If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you

I think I might give up everything, just ask me to

Kris misses them. It would be stupid to pretend otherwise; Kris doesn’t see why he should lie to himself. They were (still are, in his mind) his family and he loves them dearly. So yes, he misses them.

He misses Baekhyun’s mischievous smile and Chanyeol’s carefree laugh and Jongin’s passion. He misses Minseok’s strength and Sehun’s teasing and Luhan’s supportive words and Tao’s attempts to appear tough. He misses Yixing’s dimpled smile and Kyungsoo’s soothing voice and Jongdae’s never-ending kindness.

But since he’s not lying to himself, Kris knows that even though he misses all of them deeply, he misses one more than the others.

And he knows the other members would understand why he misses Junmyeon the most. Junmyeon is cheesy humor and leadership and unwavering support and soft hair and warm hugs and laughter mixed with lingering kisses. Junmyeon is, in a word, home.

When he left, Junmyeon made it clear that whatever they were before, they aren’t anymore. Kris gave up the right to think of Junmyeon as home when he broke Junmyeon’s heart. He knows this. (He can’t help but do it anyway.)

He also knows he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. Because he told the five younger EXO-K members (a midnight phone call, tear-stained, filled with choked apologies and timid reassurance) and he told the EXO-M members (face to face, weeping into each other’s shoulders, arms wrapped around each other); but with Junmyeon he waited. With Junmyeon, he lay on the bed beside him, limbs tangled together, the secret on the tip of his tongue overshadowed by promises he couldn’t keep whispered into Junmyeon’s skin and the weight of Junmyeon’s hand on his heart.

He knows he doesn’t deserve Junmyeon’s forgiveness. (But if Junmyeon sent even the smallest sign, Kris knows he would drop everything and return to his side. To his home.)

Pay attention, I hope that you listen, cause I let my guard down

Right now I'm completely defenseless

For your eyes only, I show you my heart

For when you're lonely and forget who you are

I'm missing half of me when we're apart

Now you know me, for your eyes only

For your eyes only

He calls Junmyeon sometimes, when he’s lying awake at 3 in the morning because he can’t sleep without the familiar warmth at his side. It’s been two months and he still can’t forget how it felt to lie side by side, lulled to sleep by their synchronized breathing and the beating of their hearts.

Junmyeon never picks up, and Kris knows it’s because even though his number has long been deleted from Junmyeon’s phone, he knows Kris’s number by heart anyway.

Kris leaves messages every time. They always start out with a soft, shy greeting followed by a deep breath, and then the confessions begin to spill over his lips: how much he misses him, how much he regrets leaving the way he did, how he wishes he could have another chance, how he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being madly in love with him. His words always become less and less coherent, until he’s choking out his thoughts through tears, his sobs mingling with his divulged secrets.

It’s vulnerable in a way Kris rarely lets himself be. The rational part of his brain tells him that Junmyeon isn’t listening to his messages. But the irrational, love-driven part of his brain keeps him clinging to the hope that one day, Junmyeon will hear them and understand. (And that’s why he keeps leaving them.)

I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen

And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing

Junmyeon misses him. It would be stupid to pretend otherwise; Junmyeon wants to, but he isn’t going to lie to himself. He had (and still does, dammit) Junmyeon’s heart. So yes, he misses him.

He misses Kris’s shy smiles and soft gazes and heated touches. He misses the way Kris looked at him like he personally hung the sun, the way Kris became brave around him. He misses falling asleep with Kris’s arms around him and waking up to Kris smiling that breathtaking quiet smile meant only for him.

Junmyeon made it clear when Kris left that whatever this was could no longer exist. Kris gave up the right to call Junmyeon his when Junmyeon gave him his heart and Kris left without giving it back. He knows this. (But he can’t bring himself to want it back.)

He also knows Kris doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. Kris told all the M members and all the other K members, but instead of telling him, Kris panted saccharine words into his neck and breathed achingly sweet promises onto his lips and let him live in a dream world where they could have it all forever.

He knows Kris doesn’t deserve his forgiveness. (He wonders why he wants to give it to him anyway.)

Kris comes back to Korea one day, bundled up in a disguise that can’t hide who he is, not from Junmyeon, and it doesn’t feel like the of their story. Junmyeon stares at him, and Kris stares back, and Junmyeon doesn’t feel even slightly surprised that he’s here. They stare at each other, and the clouds in the sky behind Kris mirror Junmyeon’s thoughts, dark and unrelenting.

They’re both standing outside, and when it starts to rain, neither of them make any attempt to move. Cold drops tumble from the sky as they stare at each other, seeking answers that neither of them are willing to give. They stand there until Junmyeon can’t feel his own skin. (It’s fitting, he thinks, because now his skin is as numb as his heart.)

Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down

Right now I'm completely defenseless

For your eyes only, I show you my heart

For when you're lonely and forget who you are

I'm missing half of me when we're apart

Now you know me, for your eyes only

For your eyes only

He listens to every message Kris leaves him. He lies awake at 3 in the morning staring at his bedside table because he can’t (won’t) pick up the phone when it rings, but he can’t ignore it either. It’s been two months and he still can’t let himself forget how it felt to hear Kris’s voice murmur words that meant nothing and everything as they lay curled up together, tangled in each other.

Junmyeon never picks up, because even though Kris’s number has long been deleted from his phone, he knows Kris’s number by heart anyway.

Kris’s messages make him cry every time. At his soft, shy greeting, Junmyeon feels himself slipping, and when the confessions begin to spill over his lips, Junmyeon tumbles over the edge like he did all those years ago the first time Kris smiled that secret smile and gazed at him through his eyelashes. He listens to Kris ramble about how much he misses him, how much he regrets leaving the way he did, how he wishes he could have another chance, how he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being madly in love with him. Junmyeon thinks maybe he should hate Kris for doing this to him. (He doesn’t.) It’s poetic justice, Junmyeon thinks, because the messages always end in tears from Kris and tears from Junmyeon.

It’s vulnerable in a way Junmyeon hates himself for being. The rational part of his brain tells him that he should just stop listening to Kris’s messages. But the irrational, love-driven part of his brain keeps him clinging to the desperation in Kris’s voice as he pleads for Junmyeon to forgive him. (And that’s why he keeps listening.)

I can feel your heart inside of mine

(I feel it, I feel it)

I've been going out of my mind

(I feel it I feel it)

Know that I'm just wasting time

And I

Hope that you don't run from me

Junmyeon stares at the shirt laid out in front of him, stares at the “1” printed on the back, and has to turn away because painted in his mind’s eye is the “00” that should be next to it. (He wonders why his heart still thinks Kris belongs at his side when his brain is constantly begging for him to move on, pleading with him to stop being delusional.)

Kris stares at the picture he keeps in his wallet, stares at the radiant smile he fell in love with, and has to turn away because standing next to Junmyeon with carefree delight on his face is the man who broke Junmyeon’s heart. (He wonders why he wastes time wishing Junmyeon could forgive him when he can’t even forgive himself.)

For your eyes only, I show you my heart

For when you're lonely and forget who you are

I'm missing half of me when we're apart

Now you know me, for your eyes only

Their story is tragic, but maybe it was never destined to end in tragedy. And eventually, the same way he succumbed to the first fiery kiss Kris placed on his lips years ago, Junmyeon succumbs to the vulnerability in Kris’s voice as he breathes apologies into the speaker. And when he finally hears Junmyeon’s voice again for the first time in months, Kris can only clutch at his phone desperately, a feeling of overwhelming completion coursing through his veins.

They can feel the open wounds where trust and dependence once thrived. The cement that once held them together has eroded. But when Junmyeon hears the I’m so sorry, I still love you that falls from Kris’s lips, not from a voice message left with only the moon as a witness, but from Kris himself as the sun dances in the sky, the foundation strengthens. And when Kris hears the I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you fall from Junmyeon’s lips, not spat out bitterly with contempt, but slipping out with the same shyness that Junmyeon confessed to Kris with years ago, the wounds start to heal.

And they think maybe they’ll be okay.

For your eyes only, I show you my heart

For when you're lonely and forget who you are

I'm missing half of me when we're apart

Now you know me, for your eyes only

For your eyes only

For your eyes only