He stares blankly up at the ceiling, his mind peacefully empty. Rolling over to check the time on his phone, he sighs as he realizes it’s 10pm. A time where he has nothing to do, and yet is too early to call it a night.

He barely realizes what he’s doing, acting almost purely on instinct; he only realizes what he’s done when a familiar ringtone cuts across the otherwise-silent room. “Ah,” he murmurs to himself, looking at the contact who he has on speed dial.

“Hello?” a familiar voice said, the words slurring a little bit in a not-so-perfect pronunciation.

He hesitates. “Hyung, are you drunk?”

“What do you want, Siwon?” The person blatantly ignores his question, firing back with a question of his own.

“I don’t know. I have nothing to do,” he responds. “What are you doing now?”

“Nothing.”

He bites his lip. He doesn’t know what pushes at him, but there’s something, some odd instinct that he hasn’t felt for a while, rising in him. “Come over, hyung. I’ve missed you.”

“… Okay.”

Of course, he had met with his hyung on several occasions, but they hadn’t been in alone each other’s presence for over two years; all the meetings since his military discharge had been with the rest of the members.

He doesn’t know if it’s selfish of him, calling his hyung over like this. Perhaps it is.

The doorbell rings a lot quicker than he expects – was hyung in the area? – and he goes to his front door to open it immediately.

Heechul stares back at him, the slightest reddish tint across his cheeks, his gaze unfocused. “Hyung, you’re drunk,” he states flatly, raising an eyebrow at his hyung’s current appearance.

“Shut up.”

“You’re not usually the type to get drunk,” he presses in curiosity, closing the door behind his hyung as he entered the house. “Why now? Did something happen?”

“I haven’t gotten drunk since a month ago, you just happened to ask me to come over when I was,” Heechul snaps at him, his words a little more slurred. “Why today?”

He shrugs half-heartedly. “Who did you drink with a month ago? And today?”

“I drank with the members last month, I drank with Taeyeon today,” Heechul responds in a similar tone, his gaze telling him to drop the topic.

“Nothing happened when you were drunk?” He can’t stop himself from questioning, and he can’t prevent his eyes from roaming over Heechul’s clothes.

Heechul’s unfocused gaze turns into a hard stare. “Nothing happened,” he says coldly. “You, of all people, should know.” He moves closer to him, so close he can smell the alcohol lingering on his breath. “We’re not like that anymore, Siwon-ah, so you have no right to ask me.” His eyes narrow as he moves back, surveying his dongsaeng. “What was the real reason you called me?”

“I missed you.” The three words fall from his lips lamely, and he stands there frozen, running his eyes over Heechul’s facial features in an attempt to gauge his expression; as usual, he fails – he can never truly guess what the man is thinking. No one can.

“Oh.” That’s the only comment Heechul makes, shrugging disinterestedly before beginning to take a step towards the living room.

“Wait.” He doesn’t know what emotions swell in him, but he reaches forward and grabs Heechul’s wrist with a surprising intensity, causing the hyung to turn around and regard him with a raised eyebrow and curious gaze.

“Is that your only response?” he chokes out, not sure where the words are coming from. “I missed you, hyung.”

Heechul pries his fingers off his wrist with a tired smile. “Siwon-ah, it’s been six years. There’s no point in going back now…” He shrugs again. “You’re the one who ended it anyway.”

He flinches back, because in that moment he has an inkling of what are the emotions and thoughts swirling around his head; he’s vividly reminded of them six years again, their quiet little whispers and their shared laughter, Heechul’s fingers entwining with his, the way their lips touched lightly between breaks when no one else was watching.

He flinches back, because in that moment he realizes what he’s feeling is dangerously similar to what he felt back then. “I miss you,” he whispers, and the desperation is evident in his voice.

“It’s been too long, Siwon.” Heechul’s voice is surprisingly steady, and for a moment Siwon wonders if he’s the drunk one here.

He dares to take a step forward again, closer to Heechul. Heechul doesn’t move forward, but he doesn’t move back either; just standing there, watching with that unreadable expression as always. “You weren’t like this in August. It’s been less than four months. What changed?”

Heechul turns his head, refusing to meet his eyes. “Nothing changed.”

“Then why now?” he queries, and he doesn’t realize the intensity of his emotions, his desperation until he feels tears start to prickle in the corners of his eyes.

Heechul notices too, his eyes widening slightly; then he drops his head. “Nothing happened. Nothing changed.” This time, he moves closer, so his breath is hot against Siwon’s cheek.

He swallows thickly; it still affects him a lot more than he thought it would. After six years, at least; but apparently, after these six years, Kim Heechul still had the same electrifying effect on him.

“Close your eyes.” Heechul’s whisper drifts over him and he listens obediently, letting his eyes close gently. Heechul plants a soft kiss on the side of his neck and he allows the tear to slide down his cheek.

“Why are you crying?”

“I told you I missed you,” he breathes back.

He can feel Heechul’s lips, pressed against his neck, curve into a tiny smile. He wonders if Heechul has ever shared this intimacy with somebody else in the last six years, and the thought causes him to reach out and curl his arm around Heechul’s waist.

“It’s been a while,” Heechul murmurs to him, moving from his neck to his lips. “We did well keeping this a secret from the others, huh?”

They break apart for air, and he finally opens his eyes to see Heechul glancing at him. “One person knows,” he says. “He caught us before.”

Heechul’s eyes widen in surprise. “Who?”

“Hyukjae,” he responds, “He saw us backstage, but he hasn’t told anybody, and I doubt he will.”

“Good,” Heechul whispers, leaning in to plant tiny kisses on the side of his neck again, but he wonders if he saw a momentary flash of worry in Heechul’s eyes.

Or am I just imagining things?

“Hyung, are you in a relationship right now?” he blurts out.

“I haven’t been in a serious relationship since eight years ago,” he says, “Just flings.”

He tilts his head, away from Heechul’s kisses. “Were we just a fling then?” he questions, not sure if he’s going too far from the boundaries. He knows that he should be careful; especially when it comes to Heechul, the most unpredictable person he knows.

Heechul frowns, moving back from his neck. “We were somewhere in between,” he says vaguely, with a sigh. “You know full well of what we did. We never went out on dates or did things couples do. We were there for each other when it got hard… But it was more than a fling. You’re aware of that.”

“Is there someone else on your mind now, then?” he asks again, and this time the spark of annoyance in Heechul’s eyes is clear.

“Would I be doing this if there was?” he hisses, and this time he’s more vicious and rough, his lips crashing onto Siwon’s with unexpected force, his fingers digging into the back of his shirt.

He allows his eyes to close again as his body begins to respond. “Okay,” he responds simply, and he smiles into the kiss, because it’s been six years and he realizes he’s still in love with Kim Heechul.

It’s kind of sad, though, he reflects as they part panting and Heechul collapses into his couch and he collapses right next to him. The thought occurs to him that Heechul is drunk and feels a sense of guilt rush over him; and yet, Heechul has always been the type to be sincere even when drunk. The thought comforts him a little.

He glances over at the unpredictable man, who is lying there with his eyes open, staring up at the ceiling. He’s incredible, in his own way; someone who can look so feminine and so handsome at the same time. He allows his eyes to trail down Heechul’s exposed upper body, his skin smooth and milky-white, his stomach flat and perfect as a girl group member’s, lacking of visible abdominal muscles; and yet, the roughness and fierceness with which he loved.

“What are you thinking about?” Heechul whispers quietly, but it sounds loud in the silence that they share.

“Nothing.” He turns his head slightly, smiling at the tired hyung. “Stay over for tonight and go home tomorrow.”

“Mmm.” Heechul’s eyes are already drifting shut, and within minutes his chest is rising and falling in steady rhythm.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing.

He looks over at Heechul again, with his empyrean beauty, looking so delicate and fragile, yet the faint sting on his lips and skin said otherwise. His eyes soften, and turns away, staring back up at the ceiling surrounded by the silence of his house.

Nothing, except for the fact that I might be in love with you.

He trails his fingers over his lips.

And I’m just a temporary escape for you.

He’s read many storybooks, some immersed in reality while others were more like the fantasy-type novels that teenagers enjoy reading. In some, love is successful. In others, love is hard and cruel.

If we were a story, we’d be a twisted fantasy, he muses to himself, because we’re happy by pretending to be in love. His fingers curl in on empty air. This isn’t anything like love, it’s just me being a fool in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. He glances over at Heechul, and he wishes that for just this once, he could read what was written in the man’s expressions. But he can’t. He can never. And this is just your messed-up way of trying to feel love again.

What a twisted fantasy. He laughs quietly to himself, because he knows that at the end of the day it’s still a twisted fantasy he doesn’t want to leave. It’s a story that’ll keep on going, because he would never be the one to put an end to it. If their story finally ended, it would be Heechul to call it quits this time.

And that’s a thought that genuinely scares him, because he realizes that the only time Heechul would stop using him as a twisted way of attempting to feel love again would be when he’s truly found love.

Then, he’ll be left alone.

He’s staring up at the ceiling, and it’s so void and empty and uninteresting, he doesn’t know why he’s staring at it, but perhaps because it’ll hurt less than looking at Heechul. Maybe because keeping his mind blank and idle is better than letting all these thoughts filter through his head. Because he knows that once he lets himself think, he’ll want to be selfish.

He’ll want this twisted fantasy to continue on. He’ll want to prevent Heechul’s true happiness so that he can be happy.

The tears run down his face hot and fast, and he stares up at the ceiling with the frustration exploding within him. They can’t have a true fantasy world without one person suffering.

He doesn’t know how long he spends staring up at his ceiling before he finally allows his eyes to close and let him plunge into a dreamless sleep.

What a selfish world.

When he wakes up, Heechul is gone.

He sits up, ignoring the small ache in his shoulder that came from sleeping on his couch. He’s unable to prevent the empty feeling that surrounds him as he stands up and proceeds to his room.

Was that a one-time thing, or will we continue to live in our twisted fantasy? He wonders as he slips a shirt on.

He grabs his phone that he had left on his bed before Heechul came over; he ignores the pang of disappointment when he sees zero contact from Heechul, but he instead notices a new text message from Hyukjae.

Siwon-ah, do you know where’s Heechul-hyung? Taeyeon said he left suddenly.

Sent at 11pm last night.

Nevermind, she said he called her this morning to apologize.

Sent half an hour ago.

He hesitates, sending Hyukjae a text.

Why are you asking me?

Hyukjae doesn’t respond.

He falls back on his bed, groaning a little under his breath. The text just sums up everything he had been wondering about last night; Heechul had been drunk. Drunk enough to ditch one of his best friends.

Did Heechul not mean anything last night, then?

He doesn’t know anymore.

And he’s laughing at himself, laughing at how pathetic he seems, because all he can do is wait for Heechul to come back to him.