He didn't know when he had stopped believing in love being the strongest power in the world. He didn't know if it was when his first boyfriend continued doing drugs despite everything he did to make him stop or if it was the night his second boyfriend decided that he had had enough of waiting for Ryeowook to get ready to do "it" and therefore had forced himself on the smaller man even though Ryeowook sobbed and begged him to stop. Or perhaps it was the day after that, the day he was so physically hurt that he could barely walk, when he decided he needed to get out. Out of the appartment and out of the relationship. The day he decided to hide everything away deep inside him and only show the world the adorable Kim Ryeowook with the bright smile that never seemed to go away.

He didn't believe in love. He didn't think that he would ever meet that one special person who he would be able to start a family with and that was probably what hurt the most. But how could he ever trust someone again? He had seen his first boyfriend wasting his life, seen him not caring how much love and energy Ryeowook spent trying to help him out if it. He had been by his second boyfriend, the one who had partly helped collect the pieces that were left of Ryeowook after he had spent almost all he had in him trying to help the first boyfriend, the one who left him even more shattered and broken than he had found him. He wanted a family. He really did. He wanted kids so badly. But it just seemed so utterly hopeless to him. And so utterly meaningless. Most of the time he was able to shove these thoughts to the back of his mind, but on nights like tonight, he could do nothing to stop them. He felt so devasted. The thoughts seemed to be yelling at him and he just wanted them to shut up. He tried to block his ears with his hands but it had no effect on the voices in his head telling him that there was no hope, he would never get what he wanted, nobody would ever want him, he was tainted, dirty, disgusting. He was useless and powerless.

The tears started to roll down his cheeks as the voices kept going. He wanted them to stop. He wanted them to stop so desperately. He started screaming to block them out. No matter how loud he screamed they could still be heard. As he sat on the floor forming a little ball with his body, screaming and crying, he didn't notice the 14 boys that hurried into the room. He was so caught in his head, hearing nothing but the voices in his head screaming how useless he was, how pathetic he was, how he didn't deserve anything. He didn't stop screaming even when Leeteuk gathered him in his arms and tried to get the boy to tell him what was wrong, with the other 13 standing or kneel