Awaiting :

It ticks by,
The clock hanging on the wall;
Striking past two in the morning,
Letting the fatigue wash over me like waves,
And over the shore I'm left dying. 

It ticks by, 
The watch on my wrist,
Painting the world gray,
Splaying the world above me with a black canvas, 
And over the mountain I'm left alone crying. 

It flies past—
The hourglass on the windowsill, 
Blowing the nature with its breath, 
Slicing my skin like daggers—
But even so, I'm still here, 
Right here, left alone surviving. 
— Jane 

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?" Sehun recites, a book in hand, face stern as he looks into the mirror—practicing. "Thou art very fair, oh Queen—," A foul language then slips past his small, thin lips, at the mistake he has made for the words spoken. With anger being the substitute of disappointment a while after that, the porcelain skin boy settles for a book thrown onto the bed then he marches over the window to breathe in the fresh, morning air. 

It is never closed, the window. For it has been the spot to dwell on his own thoughts and ideas before the day finally takes his chance to let the inky, black curtain falls upstage the world, lulling every soul to slumber and it is also a place where, sometimes, he spends all day talking to a boy—one of the sons to a general in the castle. 

Being ranks apart does not make them strangers. All it comes a while after Sehun being locked in his chamber from the dusk until dawn is a stronger friendship between the two young souls. Oh Sehun, or supposedly saluted person in the Kingdom after the king—a Crown Prince Oh Sehun, has conceded to himself that he likes the boy more than just a friend. Albeit his young age, the feeling has not stopped growing ever since the first day the other boy saved him from being bitten by a bee. 

Well, well, puppy love. Natheless, the ettiquette of befriending the royal highness has never once abandoned by the other boy. 

"Whence came you, Kai?" Voice slightly louder, Sehun looks over the window and catches the sight of Kai standing five meters down his chamber with the smudge of mud all over the body and face, shielding the beauty he has longed to see that day. "You've got your body smudged by the dirts!" 

Teeth are shown, indicating a too wide grin at a resounding disgust the Crown Prince has thrown, and Kai wipes his face with his hand, though it seems to be just another disgusting thing Sehun has to look at, he manages to make him feel as if something is moving down inside him, it's tickling—the Crown Prince wants to break a smile but grimaces as to conceal the real emotion. 

"Your royal highness, we've found something in there!" Kai replies with a still smiling face, showing excitement but Sehun wants to know none of that. It is not the 'something in there' Sehun is perked for, it is the 'we' the Crown Prince wants to know more. 

"We?" There is a slight discomfort in him at the noun used by Kai, knowing the older boy must have hung out with somebody else and Sehun envies them. 

"Do you not want to know about that something? Your royal highness, why do 'we' you're questioning?" Kai frowns, but a chuckle slips past his plump lips a moment after as he finally realizes the meaning behind the question. "Dear prince, you're green with envy." 

"I'm not!" 

For the first time, Sehun shuts the window because of the jealousy and it is at his very young age—an eleven year old Oh Sehun. 

________________

"Ain't that unfair?" Spoke the Crown Prince. His voice is kept low, just barely above whisper, while solemnly he looks at him with his eyes holding a hope.

The eyes have turned glassy which it reflects the bright color of the world in the late summer afternoon for the reason that his best friend is going far into the forest for hunting and he is not ready to use up a week time without doing anything in the castle. Howbeit, he is mostly locked up in his chamber from dusk till dawn, Sehun usually gets by to see Kai under the tree at a yard at the back of the castle during afternoon and would shadow the older boy in every nook and cranny without feeling bits awkward. 

"How is that unfair?" Kai chuckles and jovially ruffles the younger boy's hair. Apparently, he knows of the look he'd thrown onto him. Perceiving the younger's acts is a lot easier to Kai since he'd known him ever since they were three and Sehun is someone who's easy to read. It may as well be only for him. 

"Would that be long?" Sehun pauses, lowering his gaze to look at his shaky hands playing with the hem of his shirt as the curiosity thrives under his chest then adds, "The hunting?"

The period is indeed questionable to which he feels anxious; not that he wants to predict for the worst to come after Kai, neither did he pray for the unfortunate to haunt the older boy in his nightmare but he needs him to stay. For the better or for worst, having Kai around is the most important thing to him or else he would not even let the light in his chamber dim—not until he falls asleep. 

"Have you not kept it in your mind?" Another chuckle emits that he has to lift his gaze looking at the other before him which he later breaks a small smile on his lips upon seeing the crescent shaped eyes belong to none other than his best friend, Kai—presents before him. The beauty those eyes hold has him mesmerized and the sincerity that surfaces in Kai's dark brown orbs has made him believe that the other will come back to be his greatest company again. 

"One week, not more or less. As slow as the clock ticking, you may also keep a count of your time if it's not going to exhaust you." A right hand is raised to brush the skin of Sehun's cheek. "To which I doubt you'd do that." 

_______________

Counting the days has been difficult, nay, impossible. But as torturous as it'd been for Sehun, eight years has passed and ever since Kai had left him on that particular summer afternoon, he'd never seen him again.

Whenever he gets to see the sun rises, casting its array of blinding lights, that is also when all the hopes he has kept close to his chest shattered, gone into a puff of smoke but he believes in him, he believes Kai would return and that he is still living somewhere in corner of the world. Kai, might as well miss him, too that he'd be back in no time. It is in the name of faith that he does not fall apart; dying. 

But again, would he return? 

The story of Kai went missing is already dead, long ago. Even the general, Kai's father, has accepted the fate that his son won't come back and had probably been buried somewhere, seven meters down the ground. To Sehun, the faith he has for him has kept him standing stronger, or if he is going to fall, succumbing over the lost of his puppy love; he would still find himself awakened to the sound of crickets singing—breaking the silence of the witching hour. All for him has long dead except for the beat of his heart that is still thumping for the sake of none other than his Kai. 

He for once, or more, wants to see the other again as a man who'd ask for his hand. 

"Wouldn't that be just a dream? That faith you've kept is faltering." Young Ho, Sehun's cousin has spoken out of the blue standing behind him. 

Sehun is standing close to the window of his chamber, facing out staring into the distance. The dusk has finally come, greeting them once again to which it presents the world the hue of warmth mixed with the sky that is slowly dyed in pomegranate pink; and the sun is prising the last of its amber limbs over the rooftop—now he is letting another petal of roses fall dead against the hard ground; for another day is going to pass and Kai has yet to be seen. He needs not to turn around as in a matter of fact, he does not want to show the other guy his solemn face. 

Young Ho, however, knows all too well—of the sadness Sehun is holding in his eyes. Everything is comprehensible and he requires not an explanation from his cousin since he understands how hard the other has been fighting over to survive every single day without him. 

"Faltering, it is." Sehun says, breaking the momentary silence before he glances over his shoulder and catches a glimpse of Young Ho stepping closer to him. A sigh then escapes his mouth when Young Ho finally stands close to him, eyes on his withering gaze. "He has gone afore I can even allow myself to tell him what the meaning of love is." 

"For how long should you be waiting? Prior to the growth of your love towards the unseeable, you should have known this awaiting will not have its ending." In fact, Young Ho is saying the truth but Sehun is persistent of everything he is doing. 

"The flowers in the garden might have all wilted as the years passed but not the faith I have held dearly close to my heart." 

________________

There are the heavenly stars above and crescent moon smiling down at him in the most fantastic way, stealing every thought from his mind which, for a second, the cotton of worries are simply forgotten but here come the image of Kai beaming at him at the back of his head. For every moment spent under the midnight blue canvas, there goes every memory of him playing underneath his honey-brown irises; creeping every pain and torture down to his bones. 

Forgotten, it will never happen. In every move, every step he takes, there is always Kai overshadowing the entirety in his life. Words have never been easy to spill every since he is gone. Sehun then stares at the diamond ring on his ring finger where his hand is raised up as he silently compares the shine of it to the glinting stars above. Incomparable, the trillion dots surely win over the single colorless crystalline. 

It is the tenth year of waiting and he is married to a crown prince of a Kingdom to which their marriage is arranged by their parents. Should he have any objection, it is kept deep within him. The King to their land, his father, certainly knows about his feelings towards the general's son but nothing can be helped and they are trying to hold out a hand for him. The King has never gone mad towards anything, anyone he is devoting himself to but the honor of the Kingdom wants the best for their only son. 

For the sake of Sehun's happiness, they chose Chanyeol, a tall, good-looking prince for him. Although with a pair of pointy ears and slightly big yet beautiful eyes, Sehun isn't captivated. He has to admit that his newly-married husband has a handsome feature but it is not going to make his heart melt. The heart that belongs to him is frozen and locked. 

Kai, to him, is indelible and irreplaceable. 

________________

"You never look at me." Chanyeol voices, "Not really." He eyes every inch of Sehun's features. Somehow, Sehun looks like an angel who just fell from heaven. His porcelain and creamy skin is so smooth that Chanyeol sometimes mistakes it's wet from tears but it's actually just the light of early November bouncing on his skin. 

Sehun's eyes, they are mesmerizing but something is missing. Although it manages to seize all the sparkling diamonds in the universe, there are thousands of unfathomable emotions floating behind it which the taller man unable to understand. In spite of the fact that his lips quirk with a smile, Chanyeol isn't convinced by it. 

Both of his hands are on Sehun's hips, guiding him for a dance. They are waltzing at the spacious ballroom, having a wedding reception held at the castle but Sehun's mind isn't really there. It has flown somewhere else together with the memory of Kai. 

Sehun breaks into a smile that isn't reaching his eyes. Hands on his husband's shoulders, he mutters, "You're radiated by the glorious charms that I'm afraid to look into the depth of your eyes. To what reason should I really behold the innate beauty, if the pain keeps on torturing me?" And he slightly flinches under his gaze. The stare his newly-married husband is holding gives him discomfort. 

Sehun does not want to be read. He does not want his emotions to be ogled like an open book. 

"The pain wouldn't go if you're holding it." He hears him whisper. "To God I pray for I want to be the one ceasing it." 

Those words have Sehun lifted his gaze to look at the other straight in the eyes later then he catches the honesty dancing behind the glassy gray orbs and his heart is touched yet isn't fully comforted. Kai's presence is still a priority, he needs him back. 

________________

It is in the late winter evening, Sehun finds himself running down the stairs, towards the main gate of the castle. He believes not, he dreams not to be woken up by the news Kai is finally there, found by none other than his cousin Young Ho at the far end of the dark woods in the Kingdom which Kai was living his life alone with an elderly guy who was as well found dead in the said place. 

And Sehun does not want to feel happy not when he sees him with his own eyes. 

To the pain, to the heartache he screams and his inner self is crying just when he witnesses a tall figure with a long hair past the broad shoulders, standing not too far from him at the main gate together with his cousin. Young Ho is there, standing next to the other but Sehun is unable to smile; only a frown forms on his face when he sees them. 

"Young Ho..." 

The cousin understands that he nods twice, knowing the younger needs a confirmation. "He is, whom you're waiting for." 

The pound of his heart is running wild with every step taken and he chants for his name in his head. His hands are quick to make its move up to hold the other's face. Sehun brushes Kai's skin that is covered with dirts and tuck his long hair behind the ears. It is unbelievable to be able to see him again. All he wants to say is this is just another impossible dream but those eyes, the looks in those dark brown orbs—that is longingly looking back at him are screaming his dream has finally come true. 

"It's you..." 

"Your royal highness." 

________________

"Sehun!" Thunderous, his father's voice is—breaking the deafening silence in the castle. For once, the Crown Prince trembles from having his father furiously shouting specifically at him.

The father is enraged at knowing the fact Sehun wants a divorce from Chanyeol just for the sake of Kai. Never in his life he had faced the King flared with anger when he requested something. Every eye is on him. Out of many places, Sehun chose to voice it out at the dining table, pouring the contents of his heart just to get his freedom. For years he had been locked in the castle and his father promised to set him free once he is married. Now he and Chanyeol had tied a knot but he is still being caged and trapped in his own miseries. 

Kai is back. Finally, he is able to see him again and is falling harder for him but the fate seems to be playing with his heart. The conflicts are getting more complicated and the obstacles seem to double which he thinks he could not make it if he did not man up for himself. 

"I did not raise you to be ungrateful. Of all, to have Chanyeol as your husband is what you should be thankful for!" The King is riled and never once he felt this mad at his only son. Seeing Sehun falls silent at the words spilled, the King adds, "Your role in this castle is to follow my order and none is permitted to let my only son step beyond the door!" 

With that the King storms off, stomping his feet against the cold floor to which Sehun sees his small world crumble. Like an apocalypse, his universe is destroyed and the only hope left in him is already burnt into ashes. At this very moment, all that he witnesses is the dried white roses that fall, thudding against the rooftop of his dark room and the melancholy begins to condense; forming clouds of woe to his gray sky above. 

Sehun does not cry but his heart is grieving. He is frozen in his seat, eyes staring into nothingness and in a brief moment he finds himself drowning in the inky black smoke, that, for once, he thinks is the end to his every dream he has for Kai. 

________________

"He is the only one you love." 

Albeit the desire to walk out the massive door of the castle keeps on urging him to quickly run, there are bits of guilty at the pit of his stomach at having Chanyeol staring at him. There are tears pooling in the older man's eyes. His heart cracks and broken at the image. In his guilt-ridden self, Sehun finds himself craddling the latter's face, staring deep into the other's eyes. What he sees is love radiating behind those clear gray eyes and the heart-wrenching smile Chanyeol is playing on his lips has caused his heart to drop. 

He does not want to do this but there is Kai waiting outside of the castle and beyond the world they have chose to run. 

"Forgive me for everything I've put you through, forgive me for everything I've done to you." Sehun croaks and that is when a kiss is given to the one he is going to leave behind. It is not for the sake of love, he does it as a gratitude towards the one who owns the heart of an angel. A promise is built deep within him to never break Chanyeol again in the next life and prays for the best for him. 

"Goodbye, Chanyeol." 

"Farewell, my dear Sehun." 

Into the woods he has ran and there is Kai awaiting for him. He refrains himself from spilling tears as he sees Kai with his hair has been cut short and his face is no longer smudged with dirts. Under the dimly moonlight which its rays seep amidst the leaves of the giant trees around them, the other guy's smile manage to shine like the morning sunrise—and it gleams with delight that he swears Kai is the most beautiful thing to ever exist on earth. 

"Your royal highness," Kai breathes into the night and Sehun's lips curl up with the brightest smile. The longing is there, floating in the air for it was caged, locked in his reverie for years. The feeling to be able to break free from everything is wonderful and he cries in gratitude for he capable of escaping from the castle. This is the life he has been dying to own, a life together with Kai and Kai alone. Along with the breeze, Sehun moves towards the one he wants to hold. 

His hands are reaching for him that Kai gladly extends his for the other to take. This feels like they are back to eleven years ago where Sehun still had him as a best friend to whom he had thrown his every sulk and mock yet the older guy would only smile without saying anything. Things may be slightly different from their good old days but Sehun perceives this is the only beginning to their new relationship. 

The first thing they share when both are only inches apart is a kiss. It is never too rush, never too deep but it is just as soft like the feathery touch the wind has blown at early in the morning of mid October. In a very comforting way, their lips brush against each other's; slow and gentle—and the world falls away. Kai's hand rests below his ear and his thumb is caressing the Crown Prince's cheek as their breathes mingle. 

Sehun runs his fingers down Kai's spine, pulling him closer until there is no more space left between them and he can feel the beating of the other's heart against his chest. The joy that thrives from deep within them is explosive and Sehun wants anything but to break the kiss. Kai has put him under spell to the extent he feels like he is floating above the clouds and the world underneath is showered with their everlasting love. 

It is, where Sehun believes, their new beginning, their newly-built happy life. 

They have decided to live far from the Kingdom and Kai has brought Sehun somewhere beyond to where he finds himself at a magical land consists only them and the nature. Living in the woods they are not but Sehun has to say that it is a magical land full of wonder. There are myths and miracles underlying below the ground whence come all the beautiful cover crops—which small flowers in variety of colors blossomed from and the green nature around him is so magnificently mind-blowing. 

Sehun mostly has himself wrapped in the warmth of joy that spreads through the hugs and touches Kai is giving him. Whenever Kai holds him, he feels like he is a butterfly that is cocooned in their silky case, protected from the dangerous world outside the window. Although is new life is not as luxurious as living in the castle but he is beyond happy to have Kai close to him, living in this small magical land of theirs. 

Kai gets him a small house or so he calls a hut, enough to fit just the two of them but he feels contented to finally be able to live a life on his own togther with his loved one. 

"My dear prince," Kai calls, sitting next to him on a bench at the small, front yard of their hut and Sehun raises his brows at the latter with a questioning look. "My apology for not being able to present you gold and diamonds, but only this I've managed as a replacement." 

And a second after, Sehun is presented with a flower crown made from vines and there are white roses attached to it as well. The spring has come and Sehun tries harder not to cry at the meaningful gift given by Kai. With glassy eyes, he motions the other to put it on top of his head while he wears a beautiful, happy smile as Kai leaisurely puts it on him. "I need not a diamond from you. All this is more than enough for me to say thank you. I love you." 

Starting from the moment they both escaped, they live a good life without anyone minding them being happy in their small world. But just when Sehun thinks their happiness is everlasting, his father whom he does not wish to see come knocking on their door on that particularly early morning, stopping every bit of happiness from growing. 

Only God knows how petrified he is to have his father standing on their door with the people and Sehun can sense something bad is going to happen when he sees his father is armored, bringing up all the swordsmen behind—something he does not wish to come intervening their peaceful life. 

"Father..."

"Your majesty..." 

________________

Unbelievably, to Sehun, his father has come to him with a promise. A promise that they will set him free just the way he wants and takes an oath as to atone for the past mistakes, giving Sehun something he has been wishing all his life—of which, to marry the one he loves the most that is Kai. Although, he is hesitated at first but Kai has convinced him that everything is fine. They both go separated way once they have all reached the castle. 

The King has promised the Crown Prince for a wedding ceremony that will be held in a week time and Sehun is beyond happy to have his wish granted by his own father. And he and Kai's meetings are back to the previous ones, just like how Kai waits for him five meters down the chamber every morning and he is back to get himself locked in the chamber from dusk till dawn. 

They have both exchanged the words of 'I love yous' and 'miss yous' every morning and before the night arrives, and Kai has never stopped presenting him white and red roses before sleep as for the younger man greatest company and lullabies. Young Ho would be the middle man, helping the loverbirds to get their things exchanged from the smallest letter to the biggest bouquet of roses. 

It goes on and on until a week time passed and Kai is nowhere to be seen the next morning. Sehun tries for a positive thinking until he is awake by the catch of breaths from Young Ho, calling his name with a loudest voice and he is convinced that something may have happened. 

It is like he is brought back to the day when he had lost him, trapped in the darkness where all the lights were seized by the sorrows and today is never different. His legs have fallen numb against the hard ground underneath, eyes are locked to the body that is lying soullessly, helplessly on the floor of the castle. Sehun wants to believe it is just a nightmare that he soon would wake up from and get the sun rises in the sky again; casting away all the murks which are clouding up his day but this is too real. 

The pain that courses through his body is too unbearable when he finds himself staring at Kai's dead body. His body is covered by blood, arrows in his chest and his eyes fall tightly close. Sehun screams for his name, again and again until his throat feels sore. There is no more answer slipped through Kai's mouth. There is no more sign of breathing, there is no more heartbeat thumping against his chest and his pulse has stopped, leaving only a soulless body where Sehun thinks is the end of him. 

It makes his heart shatter in disarray of pieces. It has stopped all his brain cells from working and Sehun finds himself letting out a silent scream. Tears are flowing like the waterfalls, unstoppable. The reality has torn him, ing daggers deep into his soul and he is unable to breath. It has stuck in his throat—choking him. 

Their connected hearts are no longer connected. Their heartbeats are no longer rhymed for one has stopped and the other is frozen. Their breathes are no longer in sync for one is ceased, the other is struggling. The reasons are clear to him now. The promises that had been made by the King were all lies. He was comforted by the lies and false promises which have stole every of his breath and locked him in the dungeon of despair. 

The moment when he saw the general, Kai's father, takes his son's dead body away with a solemn face, Sehun promises himself one thing. A thing that he'd fulfill for the sake of Kai. 

Just like the first day he'd met him, Sehun stands by the window with a solemn gaze fixed on the moon above the sky. He feels empty as his heart is no longer occupied for the happiness has gone and there isn't one slice of joy left in him. To him, all he wants to do is to go to him and be with him in the afterlife. And the moment he throws himself out the window of the King's chamber, he has a thin smile attached on his lips. 

All he feels is peaceful and that he is relieved by the fact Kai is waiting for him at the other side of the world. 

"Wait for me, Kai. I'm coming to you."