It collides,
The world where I've lived all my life.
I wonder—
To where should I go?
To whom should I scream for help?

I search for the signs of life,
And there is only silence—
Ear-splitting.
Tremendous, the amount of fear is.
The glow of sunrise is shielded—
By the gray clouds which transfigure into cotton of sorrows—
That pour the dried white roses,
To fall obliquely against the cold, hard ground below.

This melancholic feeling is terrifying.
I'm petrified.
Frightened by the truth that I'm left—
With only darkness that's overshadowed my green globe.

And this may be it.
The future I'd have to face—
When every piece of you is blown by the wind.
Then here I am crying.
Helplessly dying; without traces of you,
Without you.

—Jane 

Silenced. 

Encouraging words were put to silent as the gate was finally opened for the melancholy to seep in. There were white roses on the casket seemingly frailed, drooping in despair as he watched the casket lower into the grave through his tear-strained eyes, and the voice in his head screamed for the umpteenth time today at the scene; for the dead body to hear his last words—the last words of goodbye and farewell. His tears were falling, steadily, silently down his immobile face and the emptiness in his heart had slowly grown, which made him feel like he was lost in the universe without anything to hold onto, to grasp. Every word, every sentence that was thrown onto him was bringing a fresh onslaught of tears thus left his words unspoken. 

"I got this!" Sehun chirps in excitement, right hand raised up to the mid air showing the other a note that he got from his best friend. He gladly shows up right in front of Kai's door just to read him the quote. It is so lovely of him to prepare things a few days before his fiancè's birthday; surely, that is without the elder knowing beforehand, and Kai is more than happy to see Sehun all smiles whenever he got good words from his best friend. 

"What is it?" Kai asks, walking closer to his lover who is standing at the kitchen entrance—brows already arched in curiosity, but the younger's vigorous nods make it obvious to him that he is happy getting all the information needed piled up on his table, and Baekhyun has never failed at providing Sehun everything he wanted. Ones that would never make his lover's smile falter. With lips stretched into a beautiful smile, he enquires again, "Was it a poem, again?" 

"Nope." This time Sehun shakes his head, lightly, but grins in contentment when Kai's chuckle echoes the kitchen wall. "It's... Uhm, mind if I read it for you?" 

"Go ahead, baby." Hands naturally move to pull Sehun closer before he encircles his waist, trapping Sehun in none other than his pair of strong arms as he waits and he lets his gaze fix on the other's face—staring at how the younger's face glow in delight and how Sehun eyes sparkles, glinting with happiness.

Oh Sehun is always looking so beautiful to him. When he speaks, his voice is the most beautiful song. His long, smoky eyelashes that bat against his undereyes nearly touching his cheeks. The eyes, yes, they are all about putting Kai under spells. They glow with the depth of universal love; trapping Kai in an enchantment. Sehun himself is so captivating, every inch of his features is angelic. Kai almost mistakes him as an angel who fell down; living on earth just to make him fall in love.

Kai is more than contented to have Sehun close, to see the love of his life happy. It will always make his days better and the sun above him will rise again tomorrow, dazzlingly brighter. His smile grows wider each time he stares into the depth of Sehun's browns orbs. They keep the love growing, blooming like flowers under his chest and the grateful feelings have never ceased from appearing. Kai watches as Sehun begins to read, gazing at him softly. 

"When my world gets silenced, your eyes scream happiness that is only meant for me," Sehun starts, so much joy laces in his voice that it makes Kai's heart to start thumping under his chest and the butterflies in his belly begin to dance again. He feels fluttered at the words Sehun is reading. 

A blush creeps up on Sehun's face and he decides to hide in the crook of Kai's neck before he continues reading again. Because for him, having his lover endearingly staring at his every act is so embarrassing, and he isn't used to having others staring at him whilst doing things he likes—not before he met Kai. 

"A happiness which I wish to behold until the end of the day," Sehun pauses, suddenly feeling like something would be stuck his throat. Out of the blue he feels sad to continue, but he does not want to make it obvious for Kai, so he continues, "Our days." 

"And... is that all?" Kai frowns, lips pressed against Sehun's forehead at the pause the younger takes, and Kai knows by the sudden silence that his lover is actually unable to continue his words. So, he tightens his embrace around his lover's body to soothe him. He acknowledges the sadness that suddenly surrounds Sehun and he wants nothing than to comfort his beloved one. 

"No matter what, even though the world has to end, our love will never ever meet its ending. You'll always be with me, I'll always, forever be loving you and that's it." 

"A happiness which I wish to behold until the end of the day," 

Although those words were such a great support to help him stand still, they were sharp like a knife; slicing through his heart—cutting it open, and he could feel it drawing blood under his chest because they reminded him of his death. As if to make him believe that he was gone and would never come back. He felt bruised and wounded inside. Despite the hugs and embraces from his family and friends, nothing could actually make him feel alive again. It was as though his heart and mind had been killed; paralyzed by the fact his lover was no longer there to soothe his cries, no longer there to heal the pain. He struggled so much to hold back his grief, but each time a friend came patting his back, a fresh tear would trickle down his already bloated face, again. 

He was trapped in sorrow, being thrown into the pit of darkness only to finally set him in isolation. Unwanted, these facts and harsh reality were unwanted. It was an unnecessary thing in life. Unable to describe this feeling, for it had taken a part of his soul away, after which came the loneliness as the substitute to his happiness. 

"Sehun, Sehun!" Kai shouts; eyes drooping in worry. His heartbeat is rocketing which gives more space for the anxiousness to creep under his skin. The fear of losing now dominates his mind as he busily searches for the sign of Sehun's presence. It is like a knife in the gut slowly twisted; a constant hammer on the head. His lover has Enochlophobia and Kai is afraid the other might get a panic attack without him by his side. He can already imagine how Sehun gets terrified, unable to properly breathe as he gets anxious in the midst of the crowd, and he would blame himself if Sehun falls sick because of him. 

The paralyzing hurt spreads through his body like icy, liquid metal. He notices how his legs tremble as he hesitantly takes each step. A regret suddenly stabs his heart and the knots in his stomach twist painfully. This is his fault. He should've been aware of his fiancè's social anxiety and they should've just stayed at home. Kai knows he was being mindless of Sehun's condition when he decided to take him to the Spring Festival. If they wouldn't have come, Sehun probably wouldn't have got lost. 

He feels like crying when Sehun is nowhere to be seen. The younger may have disappeared into the crowd and Kai's worries double at the thought. Unable to think properly, he lets his legs drag him here and there, running, searching for signs of his lover, and he lets the tears flow down his cheeks. The sweat that forms because of anxiousness stings in his eyes but he does not care. The thoughts of losing his beloved are now haunting him like a nightmare. His breathing is uneven due to running and once in a while he would stop, taking a deep breath. 

It is until  the late afternoon that he stops nearby a coffee shop to clear his mind before he begins searching again. The day is starting to darken when he hears someone behind him calling his name; the voice is croaked, but he knows he owner of the voice all too well. Only God knows how happy and relieved he is after he turns around, and sees that Sehun is just standing right in front of him. His eyes are puffy and red, probably because of crying and his red nose is making him look like a rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, and Kai cries harder at the figure walking closer to him. He seems to finally have the courage to smile again when Sehun wraps his arms around Kai's waist just to bury his face in the elder's chest. 

Kai can feel how Sehun is trembling in his embrace as he hugs him tight and the sobs which muffled by his chest are telling him that Sehun was scared, scared of getting lost in the crowd, feared of being trampled or crushed by strangers, and Kai wants nothing more than to protect him from the world. When he sees Sehun, it is as if tons of bricks have finally been lifted from his shoulders, like the heavy downpour has finally stopped from drenching his body and it is like God has listened to his pray; giving him a miracle—a miracle that he never wants to lose, not now, not ever. His fear evaporate like water under an early summer sun as soon as he has Sehun in his arms. 

"I'm sorry I won't do this again. I'm so, so, sorry, baby. Please, don't be scared, I'm here to protect you. I'm sorry for making you scared. I'm here, baby. I'm here," Kai chants, unable to hold his tears anymore. So, he cries together with Sehun. 

Losing Sehun is worse than simple fear. It is beyond words to think that he'd lose Sehun in the first place. The mere imagination of Sehun walking away from his life already makes his heart clench painfully tight inside his chest and he cannot imagine how a day without the other would look like. If he was to lose the love of his life, he'd probably lose himself in the depths of the ocean; the ocean which exists, not under the creation of God, but his own tears. 

For how long he had cried, he did not know. But then he saw how everybody started to leave. Before they left, white roses were thrown onto the casket that had been put, now fully, into the grave. A silent rain was wept, keeping the mournful souls underneath soaked as their wails were heard, turning the thick air into a completely cloudy sky. Their steps were heavy as though each of them was carrying bricks on their shoulders. The sorrow and sadness, then the weight that would never be lifted, not now, never. For a moment, he wondered if one of them was a grim reaper. All he wanted to do was to beg an angel to let the love of his life to get fully breathed into the fresh air again, to get fully awakened by hearing the birds singing again, and he wanted to beg for nothing more than to be with his Sehun again. 

But his Sehun had now fallen asleep, been put into an everlasting sleep by God; in a very well-rested state. Was it fair? Was it fair for him to be left during the days when he was getting all the happiness he deserved? A fear budded at the thought. His lips trembled as the loneliness squeezed his heart with just enough pressure. It was a vice and it killed him bit by bit. Every second that ticked was so painfully slow. It made him shiver; the thought of living the memories he had, but knowing that he would never get the chance to create new ones together with the love of his life. For now, he just let the day blanket him with murk and sorrow. They were sending chills down to his solemn heart and he could feel his body freeze under the rain. The death of Sehun had now become the reason why he struggled to breathe. He had lost a reason to live, to survive. 

"Can't I just stay here?" Kai pouts whilst letting his eyes follow Sehun's every movement. The other is folding his clothes to be put inside his luggage with a small smile strectched on his lips at listening to Kai's words. He knows he is acting childish by almost begging Sehun to agree and approves his statement so he does not have to go to the company trip, but he just cannot stand a day without Sehun by his side. And how is he even going to sleep without Sehun in his arms? He's probably not going to sleep at all. 

Kai is used to sleeping with the scent of his lover overwhelming him, making the nights more beautiful than usual and his whispers of goodnight have been his secret lullabies ever since they lived under the same roof. It is beyond imagination if he has to sleep alone, without the presence of his angel, without the whisper of his goodnight, and only by imagining it has him already shivering. What's more, he has to face the real situation. Kai wants to sulk as he feels sick at the thought of sleeping alone. 

"It's a company trip, honey," Sehun tries to coax by getting closer to Kai and in one swift movement, he rests his head on the elder's shoulder just to make Kai feel better. "You should go. It's probably a good chance for you to travel to another country, to learn their culture and you can experience many things with it, Kai." 

"But I'll miss you so much," Kai pouts harder. "I won't be able to sleep—," 

Kai's words are cut off when Sehun suddenly kisses his cheek; a smooching one before he moves to peck the elder's lips. He caresses Kai's jaw with his thumbs as he stares deep into his fiancè's eyes and smiles. "I promise, to always be here, waiting for you. I love you, so much it hurts and trust me, I'm not ready see you leaving for a week either but I trust you. I believe in us and I believe that you'll always be mine, now and forever." 

"Now and forever?" It isn't a question but more like a confirmation, and Kai breaks into a soft smile when Sehun nods. The younger's eyes are screaming love and affection, and Kai can see the genuineness that swims in the sea of Sehun's eyes. It makes his heart jump in happiness at the sight and never even once he does he feel their love lessen, not even for a second. 

"Yes, now and forever." 

From when the body was laid helplessly, soullessly in the graveyard, he knew—, he knew this life would not be the same. It would never be the same again without him. Whether it is now, or forever.