BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Kihyun stares at the Christmas ornaments blankly. He came from work, bringing his sons along to enjoy their time together. But when everyone was busy chatting around him, he sighs in despair. A bit of sadness and longing.

December has never been this cold and lonely. Not since his husband whom he married seven years ago, is not with him. A temporary break. And it’s dreadful to think, Kihyun must admit it secretly, that the term of temporary is a vague term. It can be one week, one month, one year, or one lifetime.

It was the simple heated argument. It was the little jealousy, maybe a hint of boredom. It was the usual financial issue, or perhaps some ty different opinions, Kihyun stopped tracing the ‘whys’ for this ‘temporary’ break as he slowly, like a slug, tried his best to cope with the loneliness and the emptiness Hyunwoo had left his heart with.

“Papa, papa.”

Kihyun snaps out of his thought, something he hates during family time, and turns his face to his youngest son, Changkyun. “We are looking for this?” he lifts a medium-sized gold star in his right hand and stares at Kihyun questioningly.

Kihyun nods, feigning a smile, a smile he can’t even hold for a long time because everytime his eyes land to all these sparkling glistening Christmas ornaments, his mind will always come back to Hyunwoo.

***

“Silver or gold?” Hyunwoo lifted both of the stars in his hands, trying to get Kihyun’s attention. One lazy afternoon after putting his youngest to bed, Hyunwoo and Kihyun plus their curious Hyungwon dug in piles of boxes in their garage. Time of the year, time to seal off the boxes and take Christmas tree and those sparkling red-gold-silver-green ornaments out of their nest to be displayed throughout the month. Some insisted to display them even after New Year eve had passed and some crazy enough to put them on display until the next Christmas.

“Silver.” Replied Kihyun without even looking, hands were busy digging some small gifts and frames and bell—

And that’s when Hyunwoo pulled him out of his world and planted a deep, loving kiss in his lips, smiling widely in their ‘sudden kiss’, looking too proud at Kihyun’s lips that went numb and red for his somewhat rough and sudden kiss. “That’s what you get if you don’t pay attention to me.”

Yeah. Attention. Is that why Hyunwoo decide to be as far as possible? From their seven-year marriage, two kids and their wedding vows?

Kihyun partly blames himself for not noticing the weariness in his husband’s eyes that time when he was nagging and whining about their financial problem. Kihyun maybe saw a glint of repressed anger and a plea –of him to stop bringing financial issue again—but Kihyun is a planner and easily being panic if his plan doesn’t work according to what he has set. Or what he tries to set.

Or maybe because he has been so distant lately and ignoring his husband’s need –the life—that he used to engage in actively, tried every position possible and spiced things up by costumes, role-plays and toys, refusing subtly by averting his husband’s lustful eyes to their kids, their bills or television.

Kihyun sighs. Who would’ve thought that marriage can be this complicated? They were so in love, are still in love but those negativities they must face day by day somehow corrupt the vows and replace them with bitterness and anger.

Kihyun takes a good look his and Hyunwoo’s children, Hyungwon and Changkyun who are excitedly touching, rubbing and playing the ornaments, anything that they can find. Once in a while, they asked where’s Hyunwoo and Kihyun managed to divert their attention to anything. Anything but finding out that Hyunwoo had brought his clothes and personal stuff with him.

Kihyun bites his lips, anger, and sadness suddenly filled his mind, and why does this happen a week before Christmas? He laments at the thoughts before asking his children to grab lunch together.

“So what do you want to eat today?” asks Kihyun, eyes lingering to the menu in his hands.

Hyungwon and Changkyun exchange their gazes, reading each other’s mind before asking back, “Papa ... where is daddy?” Changkyun pipes up cautiously, fidgeting on his seat to find a comfortable position.

Kihyun was paralyzed for a moment before letting his smile takes over. “No baby. Daddy is away .. for a while. He will be back.”

“Work, papa?” Hyungwon chirps, demanding for further explanation.

Kihyun nods. He waves the menu in his hand, “So, foodie? Anyone hungry?”

Hyunwoo stares languidly at the view in front of him. This month is supposed to be a month of joy and warmth and all of what people can expect from Christmas season. He should be happy around, should bring his beloved ones along but yet he’s here, alone and sad.

Some might say what a cliché view he saw, a family who are looking at their children riding a mini-train. It might have been from this season alone, stirring all the sentimental feels and vibes and suddenly you are craving for old-Christmas movies marathon and songs. Hyunwoo looks away as the pain suddenly grips him, a realization that he is now alone.

It was not a big fight. It was not something serious but it happened at the wrong time. The wrong moment that suddenly tore everything that you had, that Hyunwoo has. Or once had. He winces at the thought of losing it all forever because that is the thing he is afraid the most.

Can he repair the damage that has been done? The painful words and the swearings? The heartbroken moments? The pride? The ego?

Hyunwoo exhales a bit too loud of his own, drawing attention from a lady who was standing beside him. She is a lady in a black sweater and white padding jacket, mid 30, long wavy hair with a beanie and she offers a smile while asking, “Are you alright?”

Hyunwoo startled from the greeting and partly cursing himself for drawing unnecessary attention from a stranger. He smiles back and scratches his nape. “I am. I’m alright, thank you.”

She nods in understanding, thinking for a while before saying, “Well, isn’t this place beautiful? I’ve been here a lot and trust me, this is already beautiful without snow and those trees and lighting.”

Hyunwoo groans internally, hoping that this woman doesn’t have any intention to flirt on him so he doesn’t have to explain himself, his life and his orientation—

“Am I being too noisy? You seem to have a lot of things going on in your mind.”

Hyunwoo’s face gets reddened and he waves his hand awkwardly, inching closer and chuckles. “ No. Yes—I mean, no not being too noisy and yes maybe I have some on my mind. Thank you for asking and .. for ... letting me know how beautiful this place is.”

She laughs and nods in acknowledgment. “Alright, sure. Mm, by the way, I’m Soyou.” She reaches out her hand with a smile. Hyunwoo stares for a while and reaches back. “Hyunwoo.”

‘Hyunwoo.” She repeats the name and smiles. “Are you here alone?”

Hyunwoo forces himself not to smile upon the question. “Ah do I sound like trying to flirt on you?” she asks, grinning widely with total amusement in her eyes.

“Kind of, yeah.”

“I’m sorry. I have this habit of being ‘too friendly’ to strangers, at least that’s what my friends told me, and sometimes brings troubles to me. But I just can’t stop, you know, I mean what’s the danger in getting friendly with people.”

Hyunwoo smiles genuinely. “If the stranger is the bad one, I guess it is. But since I’m a good one, I suppose it’s ... safe?”

Soyou laughs deliriously, showing her impeccable teeth. “Noted well.”

“I see your wedding ring.” She points out the ring that Hyunwoo wears. Hyunwoo smiles thinly at the question, throwing his gaze to the snow that covered the entire park. “Yeah.”

Soyou nods with some questions running through her mind. “May I know—“

“Where ‘s my wife?”

Soyou startled and quickly stares with an apologetic expression. “No—yes I mean, if you don’t want to talk about her it’s fine. I will—god, I will shut my mouth now.”

Hyunwoo rubs the wedding ring he wears and sighs. “It’s fine. I guess.”

“My ‘wife’ is not she but he.” Hyunwoo opens his mouth and speaks, eyes still looking adrift to the view in front of him. “Been married for seven years, 2 kids. 1 adopted and 1 born from him.”

“Oh. Carrier?” Soyou turns his face to Hyunwoo.

Hyunwoo nods. “Almost impossible. Not a strong carrier one. We’ve lost two at his earlier pregnancies. So we adopt the first child. He loves kids and so does I. So we decided to adopt first, knowing that it’s probably difficult to have kids of our own. Hyungwon was three that time but we fell in love with him at first sight so we adopted him. One year after we adopted him, my husband was pregnant and we had our own kid.”

“Okay. So .. what happened?”

Hyunwoo sighs and looks away. It’s just a talk and knowing he won’t probably see her anywhere again but talking his heart out is not easy. He hesitates a bit but the look and the genuine tone in Soyou’s voice gives him up. Hyunwoo bites his lips and speaks, “It’s just a fight. Like marriage fights, you know. He’s stressed and tired and so did I and we both said things we shouldn’t and suddenly here I am.”

There’s a peaceful silence before Soyou gathers her courage to ask again.

“So you both chose to be separated?”

Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything but swallowing the words first. He opens his mouth and says, “Kind of. I was so mad and took my stuff and went for a while. He cried and I guess I was just too stunned hearing him cry like and thought that I had hurt him so badly and now I didn’t know if he wants me back again or not.”

Soyou raises one of her brows, “Have you asked?”

Hyunwoo lifts his face and surprisingly surprised by the question. He’s about to say something back but chose to close his mouth and closes his eyes tiredly. “No. No—wait. I’m going to explain.” He quickly waves his hand, knowing that Soyou will bombard him with questions again. “I .. he looked hurt and maybe I just—alright. I’m just .. afraid alright. I just can’t ... knowing that I’m the one who made him cry, it hurts me a lot. Call me a coward, yes, please do, I guess it’s a matter of time until he says that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I ... I am trying to ... stall it, as long as I can without any word of ‘divorce’ or something like that.” Hyunwoo exhales. He rubs his face with both of his hands, feeling agitated and tired. 

“I steal time as much as I can before he says he doesn’t want me anymore, he’s tired of me, he doesn’t want me ... he doesn’t love me anymore ..”

Hyunwoo presses his eyes shut tightly. He feels a pang of hurt and it spread throughout his body and he doesn’t know how but he’s wiping his tears furiously. Part of him is embarrassed and part of him is relieved.

Soyou lets out an ‘ah’ sound before gently pats Hyunwoo’s shoulder. It might look wrong but she just does what her heart told her to do and she couldn’t help it. Hyunwoo nods and motions that he’s alright.

Soyou waits until Hyunwoo wipes his tears away. She glances carefully to Hyunwoo and says after Hyunwoo becomes calm again. “I’m really sorry ... for this. I didn’t want to ... ah me and my big mouth ...”

Hyunwoo nods in acknowledgment. It’s not entirely her fault because truthful, even if it’s still hurt, Hyunwoo can feel the burden was lifted a bit.

“It’s alright. Now that you have brought him and I can cry a bit. I feel better now.”

Soyou nods. She clears . “Hyunwoo-ssi, think about ... telling him what you really feel?” she hesitates for a while, “Don’t let any chance you have, even if it’s only one percent, slip away easily.”

Don’t let it slip away easily ...

Kihyun stirs the soup carefully. It’s quiet as the kids play to sleep in their room. He felt like he wanted to eat some warm soup this morning. Something unusual for him to do.

Kihyun puts his focus back on his cooking, adding some onions and tofu before closing the lid and adjusts the fire. He grabs the counter when he feels nausea coming again. He’s been having it and it comes and goes. At first, he thought it was due to stress after Hyunwoo left but it keeps coming.

Kihyun takes a deep breath and regulates his breathing and while he does that, someone rings the doorbell. Kihyun scrunches his eyebrows, he didn’t expect anyone to come today. Kihyun gets up as when the bell rings for the second time. He carefully peeks through the hole in the door to see who was ringing his bell.

Hyunwoo.

“Ki, I know you’re there. Can I come in?” says Hyunwoo gently, he looks ... anxious, shifting between his right and left leg as he stands.

Kihyun bites his lips, his legs almost give him up and he might be falling right now in the floor. The man that has been constantly on his mind is standing now behind that door.

“What do you want?” asks Kihyun with a flat tone, holding himself from crying and showing how much he misses the man behind the door.

“Ki ...” Hyunwoo trails off, and there’s rustle sound before he speaks again, “—I want to say something. Please? Open the door and let me in. This is important...”

Kihyun closes his eyes, his heart beats erratically and his head throbs in pain. He wants to open it so bad, run to him and kiss the man, his man. Surprisingly, Kihyun can stand against his will and keeping him outside. “What do you want to say again? I thought you have said everything you wanted to say ..”

“Ki..”

“You said—you didn’t want to ... hear anything from me again. You said you’re tired—“ Kihyun starts to sob, biting his lips too hard to not crying out loud but failed.

“Ki, please ...” Hyunwoo begs. He bites his lips to hold his voice calm but he is slightly panic when he heard Kihyun’s voice start to tremble. “I—I didn’t think a lot when I said that. I was ... angry, agitated and tired and I said stupid things. Ki, please? Please open the door and let me explain all to you properly?”

Hyunwoo didn’t hear anything by then but a soft sob behind the door which triggers something inside Hyunwoo that was barely hanging on a thin line collapsed and slumped on the door as the tears of frustration and guilt streaming down on his cheeks.

Hyunwoo let himself cried as his plea.

After half an hour leaning on the door, eyes red and tired, Hyunwoo speaks, “Ki?” his voice is hoarse after crying his heart out.

There’s not any sound and as Hyunwoo was on the verge of giving up and about to leave, the door creaks open with Kihyun behind it, sniffling. He lifts his eyes to Hyunwoo, red and swollen. He looks tired, just like the older, and pale.

Hyunwoo wants to speak but looking at the person he misses the most, looking exhausted and pale, he couldn’t hold himself but lunges forward and brings Kihyun in his arms. Protectively, wrapping the younger’s petite frame with his hands. He lets Kihyun once again sob in his arms, feeling the sense of gentleness and love swelled throughout him.

Carefully, he whispers in the younger’s ears, “Are you alright?”

Kihyun lingers in his arms before he nods. The abruptly pulls himself off but still gripping Hyunwoo’s chest, “Where are you? Where have you been? Why do you leave me? You don’t love me anymore? Hyung?!”

Hyunwoo feels a slight twitch in the corner of his lips but he tries so hard to hold it. The amusement he felt about the questions like Kihyun even forgets why they fought before. “I—I’m sorry Kihyunnie. Baby, listen.”

“No, you listen, hyung.” Kihyun takes a deep breath, his eyes suddenly turn softened as he traces Hyunwoo’s features. “I was .. immature for all this time. I burden you with many expectations everytime we fight, something that we knew even before we married. I was using my jealousy to cover our financial issue and I was so wrong. I can not understand why I always do that and I am ... sorry ..”

Hyunwoo stares at the brown orbs in front of him. “I’m really sorry we’re still struggling over the financial issue—“

“No! Hyung, no! Please listen. I know we can work this out and I’m sorry for bringing this subject over and over again. I know that we were alright before about financial thing. It’s just me, hyung, I promise I will not bring this issue again. We can talk about it later but it’s not going to be our main problem anymore. Okay? I—I love you too much to even think about the financial thing, you’re .. and Hyungwon and Changkyun are my everything. And I love you.” says Kihyun, eyes b with tears again but then Hyunwoo wipes them with his thumb.

“I’m sorry for leaving you and kids, I do. I chickened out and couldn’t think much and ... yeah, my ego and my pride were hurt but I realize that you and kids are what I should put first rather than my ego or pride.” Hyunwoo pauses his words for a while, taking a good look at his husband and smiles. “You’re right. We can work it out, it’s not something we can ignore but I promise you that I will never leave again. We can work it out together, you and I. I know that I have faith in that.”

“And kids,” Kihyun adds.

“And kids, of course.” Hyunwoo chuckles and leans forward to kiss Kihyun’s lips. “I love you, oh god I miss you so much.”

Kihyun smiles and nods, eyes gently stare at his husband’s face. “Please don’t leave me again...”

Hyunwoo felt a pang in his heart and pressing his lips on Kihyun’s one more time, he whispers, “I won’t leave you. Never.”

They are sitting together near the medium living Christmas tree that Hyunwoo bought one week ago, placing cards and gifts below it. Hyungwon with his stature tries to reach the top of the tree to place the star but couldn’t reach it. Not until Hyunwoo suddenly grip his hips and lifts him from the floor to help him put the star. After he puts it, he mutters, “Thanks, dad.”

Hyunwoo smiles and ruffles his hair. “Sure kiddo. Go help your brother to put the last angels and dad will light up the tree.”

Hyungwon’s eyes glisten in happiness and he runs to his brother to help him put the last ornament in their living room.

Kihyun brings out four glass of ginger milk and cupcakes, setting them up on the table and checks everything his husband and kids have prepared.

“Kyunnie, come here and sit with papa ~” Kihyun calls his youngest who has just put the angel ornament in the tree but then Hyungwon chirps. “Why only Kyunnie? I want to sit with papa too!” he stomps angrily but then Kihyun chuckles. “Alright. Wonnie, Kyunnie, sit with papa now. Daddy will light up the tree.”

Hyungwon and Changkyun grin from ear to ear as they climb up to snuggle with Kihyun on the couch. Kihyun hugs them both and coos, “Ah .. papa’s babies ...”

Hyunwoo holds his breath as the warmth starts to creep along his heart and spread throughout his body, watching his angels snuggling together and laughing. There’s no place on earth he'd rather be than being here and watching the miracle of Christmas happening in his life.

He clears his throat as the tears threaten to fall. “So, ready for our Christmas tree lighting?”

“Yes!!!” shouts Kihyun and his children, now leaning on their elbows, watching with eyes full of excitement and joy.

Hyunwoo takes the plug and starts counting, “ 1 ...2 ... 3!” he plugs inside the socket and suddenly their dimly lit living room was bright with lighting from the Christmas tree.

“Merry Christmas!” Hyunwoo jumps into the couch and starts the tickle fight with Kihyun and their children, letting the lighting and Christmas song play along and echoes in their apartment.

 ***

Later that night, Kihyun sits next to the tree while Hyunwoo brushes his teeth. After he’s done, Hyunwoo was surprised to see Kihyun was still sitting on the living room. “Ki? Want to sleep now?” he joins his husband, pressing his body to Kihyun who giggles from his impromptu skinship.

“Mmm ..” Kihyun smiles. “I was waiting for you.”

Hyunwoo arches his eyebrow. “Me? Why?”

Kihyun smiles and gets up to take something, that’s when Hyunwoo realizes he was wearing the silk robe. He whistles playfully. “y ..”

Kihyun chuckles. “ert.” He takes out a small red box with a green bow. Sauntering to Hyunwoo with suggestive sway and makes Hyunwoo whistle one more time. “Hello, y kitten ...”

Kihyun makes a scolding face but softens as he extends the box. “For you.”

Hyunwoo smiles as he takes the box. “Now you made me feel guilty. I haven’t wrapped your gift yet.” Hyunwoo stares at Kihyun who sits next to him. “It’s a .. a pre-Christmas gift I guess. So we’re even. Come on. Open.” Says Kihyun, waves his hand dismissively as if it’s not a big deal because what Hyunwoo will get is .. something big.

Hyunwoo starts to unwrap the gift and it doesn’t take long when Hyunwoo holds a small pack in his hand. A familiar box. He steals a glance to the younger who watches his face in amusement. “Is it – what I think it is—“ Hyunwoo trails off his words as he sees the test pack in his hand. Not a new one. A used one with two lines.

“Congratulations Hyunwoo ... you’ll become a dad again.” Whispers Kihyun softly, his eyes spark with every word he said.

Hyunwoo was out of words but pulls Kihyun to his arms and sobs a little. “I—oh—uh-baby I—this is oh my god, this is even better than the gift I have prepared for you. Kihyunnie, thank you! Thank you!” Hyunwoo laughs and cries at the same time, peppering kisses in Kihyun’s face and neck and hands and back to face again. Kihyun’s heart swells in happiness and when Hyunwoo holds him one more time, the younger whispers contentedly, “Merry Christmas, darling.”

THE END

A/N

Hi Hello Annyeong? This time I will bring the Christmas theme.

Consider this as a Christmas gift from me :D 

Leave your trail maybe? Comment or votes are appreciated a lot!

I hope you enjoy the story and MERRY CHRISTMAS all.