It had been a long time since I’d felt like this. I almost thought it was getting better and going away.

 

But here I was, with a razor blade in my hand, my wrist bleeding and stinging from the self-made wounds. It helped - for a second, until I had to press the blade on my arm again, and make a cut on my skin.

 

I had been clean for two months, and the last time I had swore I’d stop. I swore to him. But that promise was broken now, and it made me feel nothing. I didn’t feel anything anymore.

 

One more cut and I leaned my head against the cool surface of the concrete wall behind me. I could hear Yongguk breathing deeply in the room next to me as he was sleeping. I closed my eyes and let the excruciating pain in my chest take over.

 

I missed it.

 

I missed slashing my blade across my wrists. I missed seeing my blood flow out of the wounds in little teardrops that then made their way down my arm. I missed the stinge of those cuts and the calm feeling after. I missed the unbearable and crushing pain in my chest. I missed it taking over me and filling my whole being with it.

 

It was a relief, almost.

 

These things meant that I was alive, somehow, for just a little moment longer. For just a tiny moment longer and that moment diminished even more everytime I felt like this.

 

And that’s all I wanted to feel.

 

Of course the sweet kisses and the warm embraces of Yongguk were nice. The way he spoke to me in whispers late at night before we fell asleep, the way he would gaze into my eyes and my cheek. Those moments were nice, but they lenghtened the moment I was alive.

 

And I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

 

As I sat on the bathroom floor, my arm still bleeding, creating small puddles of blood on the white tiles under me, I thought how it had gotten to this again. I had felt better for a while. I even thought this was all in the past. I was naive to think that. Of course it would come back, that pain and sorrow, those whispers in my ear telling me I wasn’t worthy, telling me I was nothing. It had happened before - a long time ago. I had thought it had gone away, and then it came back with a force so grand it suffocated me.

 

But this time it was different. This time I could feel its claws around my chest so tight I couldn’t move, its whispers told me to raise my hand once more and cut so deep I wouldn’t see tomorrow. This time it was to take me away, permanently.

 

I was finished.

 

Then, like in a dream, I heard Yongguk call me by my name. I heard his footsteps circling the apartment in search of me, and it made me smile. I raised my hand and pressed the blade on top of the biggest vein in my arm.

 

The door to the bathroom opened and I heard Yongguk gasp in terror. He kneeled beside me and took my bladed hand away from the other.

 

But I had already made the cut.

 

I heard Yongguk saying the word ’no’ over and over again, as he desperately pressed on the wound where blood was gushing out of the open vein. He looked at me and asked a simple question.

 

”Why?”

 

And I smiled. I lifted my hand to his cheek, it one last time.

 

”It’s calling me so bad, Yongguk. It’s time to go.”

 

Yongguk’s face seemed panicked and I closed my eyes, and went to sleep.

 

 

—————

 

 

I woke up.

 

I woke up, and of all the places, in a hospital. My hand was wrapped up in bangades and gauze, my other hand was connected to an IV. My head felt heavy and stuffy, and my mind was hazy.

 

Still, I remembered every moment before I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

 

I teared the tube out of my hand and turned off the heart monitor so I could remove the pads on my chest. I sat up on the bed, throwing my blanket on the floor and stood up, immediately feeling dizzy as I did so. I could feel a yank on my head, as the nasal cannula was still around me, giving me oxygen that I did not want.

 

I followed the whispers to the bathroom and locked it. Except there was no lock. I turned to look at the mirror on the wall above the sink. Except there was no mirror. I searched the whole small hospital room, but couldn’t find anything. Even the window was too small for me to jump through, and I knew it wouldn’t break.

 

I took the IV stand in my hands and threw it across the room. I never gave way to it, but there it was, gnawing at me, begging to be released.

 

Fear.

 

Panicking, I rent at the gauze that was covering my wounds. I needed to let them free. I needed to see the blood again. Once I finally got it all off, I inspected the deepest cut that was meant to kill me. They had done a good job with it, but I did better.

 

I ripped the stitches off with force, and spread the wound open. It started to bleed immediately.

 

And I felt nothing.

 

A calm took over me and I sat down on the floor, watching my vein open up again and bleed steadily on my leg.

 

Then, suddenly, I thought about Yongguk.

 

Yongguk, with his curly brown hair, his beautifully coloured eyes that twinkled in the sunlight, his strong muscly arms that would open up, inviting me to his embrace.

 

And suddenly I wanted to see him.

 

I stood up, forgetting about my bleeding wound, and went to the door, opened it, and stepped outside. No one paid me any mind - they were too busy with their work. And I saw him, sitting on one of the benches on the sides of the corridors, dozing off.

 

I sat next to him, and took hold of his hand. Yongguk startled awake, and looked at me in surprise.

 

”Junhong ...” His voice was like music to my ears. I looked down at my hand and raised it up.

 

”I hurt myself, Yongguk.”

 

And then he cried.