Deep breaths. Face's dance break is almost over. It's time for the high note. My note. Here it comes...!'

My breathing is strained.

Why am I shaking so much? I can do it! I've done it so many times before!

"Teojyeo naoneun Jackpot...!"

...!! I missed the high note. 

I messed up, I hope nobody noticed.

I feel cold.

"It's okay Baekho-ya, it wasn't that bad." Minhyun reassured me on our way back to the dorms. 

, he noticed.

(They all probably did. I can't wait to see the fans mocking me in SNS again...)

We are in some god-knows-what variety show. I haven't even heard of it before.

(This is okay, it's better than nothing.)

Everything just sounds like nonsense to me, but I play along anyway. I don't remember even saying anything but they're all staring at me.

"Baekho mispronounced!" What?

Everyone is quiet. I look around. The MC was pointing at me. My whole body is numb.

What do I do?

The audience laughs. The MC laughs. The other members laugh. I laugh along with them. 

(I want to throw up.)

I messed up again. Most of the audience probably wouldn't have noticed if that MC didn't point it out...

(They'll probably just think it's cute anyway, right...?)

'Re:Birth'. It's a chance for us to redeem ourselves. 

(Who knows? It could be the last.)

We're filming the introduction video for the album. Judgement's dance is tough, but we all practiced hard. We can't possibly mess this up. I absolutely cannot possibly mess this up.

"Jeomsuneun gamhi maegijima neo piryohan geon begging me!"

Turn. Pose. Stay still. That's all I need to do. 

I stumble. 

(Damnit Dongho, why now? Everyone was doing it PERFECTLY.)

"It's a good thing it happened at the very end though, right?" I nervously asked the members. They all nod.

"That's right! They'll probably just edit it out before they release the video." Minhyun(at least, I hope it was Minhyun) said. I smiled. "Yeah, they probably will." I reply.

Minhyun is always right, after all.

...

But they didn't edit it out. 

I messed up again, and everyone will definitely notice.

(Everyone did. I definitely ed it up for the rest of Nu'est.)

"The fans will love it! Our charming clumsy tiger!" The optimism screams Minki.

(Do I even deserve to be here?)

"Hey you are the main VOCAL, not DANCER. Don't look so down, man." Definitely Aron-hyung.

(I barely even have any lines in the title track.)

"I'll probably mess it up harder if they made me sing, Baekho-ya~" Don't put yourself down for my sake, Jonghyun.

(Maybe PLEDIS doesn't think I do.)

...

Why won't Minhyun say anything?

...

I don't remember what happened next but I woke up the next morning with a wet pillow. I was probably just sweating.

(At least Minhyun will nag me about it.)

...

"My throat hurts." Is my only reply to him after his half-hour hygiene lecture, just so we won't discuss it any longer. Minhyun shuts his mouth and looks away apologetically.

Now I feel terrible. I was just lying...

(Good job, Kang Dongho. Can't you do anything right?)

"European Tour! Can you believe it?!" Minki practically jumps on everyone. Everyone is excited. I'm definitely excited.

I should take initiative.

(Redeem yourself, Kang Dongho!)

"We should go practice NOW!" I shouted. I start running towards the practice room before anyone can even react. "Last one to the practice room is a...!!" The words get stuck in my throat. It hurts, but just a little.

I try clearing my throat.

"..." No words will come out. 

(It hurts a ing lot)

The members and staff all look at me concerned.

I shouldn't make them worry too much.

"If I don't scream too much I'm sure I'll be fine.", I quickly try reassuring them with a grin. They all look unconvinced, but we all proceed to practice our routines.

...

I was definitely not fine. I get confined for surgery right before the tour. The rest of NU'EST goes to Europe without their main vocal, and I spend the holidays alone.

This is it. I completely ed up this time. Everyone, even non-L.O.Λ.E, noticed.

The tour went without a hitch though. And everyone looks like they had fun, they'll be fine without me for a while...

...

(Maybe they'll be even better off without me at all...)

...

"How come my pillows are wet again?" I ask to nobody the next day.

We go to a fanmeet for our 3rd anniversary as Nu'est. "Where is everyone?", I ask. The members and staff all just look at each other uneasily. I can see at most 100 people(actually just 70 if I squint), but the venue should be able to hold 300.

"We should be thankful for the fans that are here! Le't's give them our all!" Ah Minki, cheerful as ever.

We perform. For all the fans that came.

For all the ones that bothered to come.

I think I messed up a few steps here and there, but nobody noticed. I think even the members didn't notice.

(Nobody probably cared enough to notice.)

...

(I don't think it even matters anymore...)

I'm so bored. No shows. No schedules. No nothing. I should just check what the L.O.Λ.Es(what's left of them, at least) are up to. 

Fancafe? I already checked yesterday(not like people even bother to post there anymore). Maybe Twitter or Instagram would be better.

I excitedly search the "#baekho" tag...

...

"What was I expecting?" I told myself, all previous excitement already out of the window.

(As if anyone will bother posting about me.)

I search "#ren". A lot of posts, as expected. He's really our breadwinner.

(Our only hope.)

...

(There's nothing I can even do...)

Another day, another opportunity to do absolutely nothing.

I should just go check SNS again, maybe today...
...

(Who am I kidding?)

I search through every possible Nu'est related tag I could think of.

Scroll. Laugh. Scroll. Cringe. Scroll. Scroll...

...?

"BaekMin?" I run across this tag, surprisingly. It's really pretty hilarious, and also tragic. 

Half of it is true, after all...

If only they knew. 

If only Minhyun knew.

(He'll think I'm disgusting. The fans probably will too.)

(I can keep dreaming like these shippers though.)

I keep scrolling.

...!

I accidentally clicked 'Like'. . No worries, I'll just press it again to undo it and nobody will even notice it ever happened!

Right?

(Not like anyone is even around to notice.)

...

Maybe, just maybe, I want them to notice I messed up.

(Maybe...I wish Minhyun will notice I messed up too.)

There is suddenly a smile on my face.

Why do I feel giddy?

...

I leave the "Like" there.