Again

You are my saviour

He was standing in the parking lot, half sitting on the end of the hood of his car. He watched the young kids, high school students as they streamed out of the big building. Some of the girls giggled and pointed at him, whispering to their friend while check out the red haired boy from head to toe. This kind of recognition made him remember to his school years, enjoying the attention of the girls and having fun with in these situations. But now, years later he doesn't care about them at all, he only sent them a gentle smile and he continued to look after someone in the crowd.

After five minutes he got bored of waiting and walked towards the main gate, looking for a familiar face. Suddenly a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and pulled the red haired one into a back hug. He was startled for a moment but when an all too familiar scent filled his nose he immediately relaxed into the hug. The firm chest just felt right, just felt good pressed to his back, he felt safe in those arm, felt lost in a different world with a chin resting on his shoulder, breath softly tickling his neck. That's how Hwitaek felt when Yuto was around him.

Hwitaek turned around and loosely put his arms around his boyfriend's neck. One of his hands wandered into the short black hair at the back of the other's head and slowly pulled him closer. Their lips met in a soft, slow yet passionate kiss. Yuto's hold on the smaller's waist tightened, one palm sliding up under the red's leather jacket and drew light circles on Hwitaek's spine with his thumb. They pulled away after a about a minute but neither of the boys stepped away, bodies still close. “I missed you.” Yuto was the first one to break the silence and right after speaking he leaned down for another short kiss. “I literally dropped you out for school eight hours ago. How could you miss me this much?” The shorter boy asked and started tracing patterns on the white cloth of the hoodie in front of him, feeling the toned chest underneath it.

Yuto laughed and took a hold of the other's hand, interweaving their fingers together and walking towards the car. “Look who says it. You never throw yourself on me like this, in front of everyone.” Hwi just huffed and ruffled his red hair. “Stop comparing me to yourself, Adachi.” As they walked the smaller one heard whispering from the girls he smiled at a few minutes ago. “How did he get someone like Adachi Yuto?” “How did Yuto got someone like him? The red is so hot!” “At this point I don't know which one is more accurate...” These words made Hwitaek chuckle and think. The boy himself wonders about how did they got together but he is thankful.

Once they got into the car he started the engine and started to drove home. Yuto sat beside him, the black haired boy being unusually quiet. Hwitaek tried to hold himself back to not ask questions from his boyfriend because he knows it won't end well. After about five minutes he couldn't hold back and started speaking. “Is everything okay?” When the japanese let out an irritated sigh the red haired one knew that things are going to go down. “Yes.” “Then why aren't you talking?” “Because I have nothing to say.” “Are you sure everything's fine?” “I already told you, yes.” “You can tell me anything.” “I swear, I'm fine!” With each passing sentence tension got thicker between them. Taking a shaky breath the older one bit on his lips and thought about something. There's no going back anyways, he decided and said the worst thing he could bring up in this moment. “It’s your parents again, isn't it?”

Hwitaek heard as the breath stuck in the other's lungs and the way his body stiffened granted nothing good. “Stop the car.” Yuto commanded in a low voice after moments of silence. He knew he shouldn't have done that. “Yuto, please-” “I said stop!” When his boyfriend yelled at him Hwi decided it will be better to pull down and do what the other said. When he stopped besides the sidewalk Yuto jumped out of the car and started walking away. “Don’t call me.” It was the only thing he yelled back before taking a turn and disappearing from his older boyfriend.

He knew he shouldn't have done that. He knew that he overreacted. Overreacted it again, just like he always did. He pushed his boyfriend away again. He broke his own promise to not do that again, but he did. He always did. He ran away from his problems. He tried not to, but he always did. Hiding from them, not being able to handle it alone, yet still pushing away everyone and refusing any kind of help.

Yuto ruffled his hair and pulled out his earphones, plugging them into his phone and searching for some music. He needs something loud, something with deep bass, something that can calm his nerves down. Scrolling through his music he saw an all too familiar title and pressed it. “Mick Gordon - The Partisan”. When the first few notes reached his ear an intense wave of chills ran down on his body. He loves this song every since he found a gamer who played with the game called The Old Blood. This song just has something in it. The feeling of anger ans sadness just fits him so well, it's an incredible piece for him. The softer start, with some kind of calmness is how it all starts, but actually tension is building up inside. Then silence, he needs to take a breath to regain his control. Back to softer tunes, he keeps building up his feelings inside. The beat drop is when all of his feelings make an appearance. For a short time he holds it back but then breaks again. Letting all of his anger and frustration out, pushing away everyone and hurting himself with it. And in the end all that remains is just sadness. He ended up hurting others again and it makes him break more.

When the song ended Yuto was already at home, standing on their front porch. When he stepped inside the house he was greeted by silence, he is alone again. In his room the boy threw his bag to the floor and lied down on the carpet. Strangely it happened to calm him down, he almost laid more on the white floor than in his own bed. As he stared at the ceiling he felt exhaustion catching up on him and dragging him into a pitch black word. Yuto let it do whatever it wants and drifted off to sleep in the middle his small room.

He was woken up by the loud slamming of the main door. It must be his stepfather. The boy noticed the blanket on his body. His mother must have come home earlier. Glancing at the clock he realized how much he slept and his stomach grumbled in agreement. Opening the door of his bedroom he peeked out, seeing no one near. While walking to the kitchen he took a look into the living room. He saw his mother and stepfather sitting across each other, in a dangerous silence. With his freshly reheated leftover spaghetti he sat down at the dining table, eating dinner alone. Usually he retreats to his room after finding food but today he didn't felt like it. There were no fight, cigarette smoke and venom like words in the kitchen and he wanted to enjoy the peace.

Fairly soon his peace was torn appart when the sounds of a starting argument could be heard from the living room. With each passing moments the voices became louder. They were yelling about money, work, being absent from the house too long, financial problems again and even cheating. Yuto's jaw tightened with every minute and his chewing became angrier with every bite of food. Three frustrating minutes were enough for him to get up from the table and smash the plate in the sink, dishes giving out clinking sounds as they forcefully met.

In his room he sat down with headphones on and started doing some homework. After some time he started hearing sounds through the music and he turned up the volume. It only helped for a small amount of minutes before he heard crying and yeling. Adding more to the music he leaned back in his chair and tried to focus on his breathing. A loud crash made him jump out of his chair, headphones fell to the ground, music still blasting through them. With trembling steps he walked down to the corridor. In the end he stopped looking at his feet. His mother's favorite vase was there, broken into a billion pieces, flowers scattered on the ground and water all over the hardwood floor. Looking to the right he saw his stepfather, the man he hated with every fiber of his being, the man that made his mom cry countless times was sitting there, watching tv as if nothing had happened. On his left ther was his mother, the once cheerful woman who was now more broken than that porcelain vase. She was sitting in the middle of a cloud of cigarette smoke and a bottle wine besides her, crying, whole body shaking.

Yuto was not even a bit surprised. He can't tell when or how but during the years, all of those sorrowful years he got used to this. He was no longer touched by his mother's cries and pain. Of course it hurt him, it still hurts to see the woman who loves him and cares for him being in a state like this. He saw this so many times, too many times already, it made him to wear the cold faced look on him. If his mother would see the sadness of her son she would just break even more. The inability to do anything made the boy sad and angry at the same time. He can't do anything, he was never able to do anything and he won't ever be. While he stood here his mother noticed Yuto's presence and started talking to her son. “I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a bad mother. You deserve more than this. I'm so sorry. I just want to die, it would be better for everyone.” Broken sobs escaped het mouth as she cried into her palms, body trembling more than before.

These words were nothing new to the boy but they cut deep every time he heard them. Biting down on his lips he let out a shaky breath and felt tears pricking his eyes. Instead of answering he stormed back into his room, slamming the door behind himself. Yuto sat down on the floor, resting his back against his bed. Looking down on his forearms he wondered how he could hold himself back in the past years. He felt like grabbing the razor blade would be so easy, to end all of this but he never really did. Except one time when he made small scratches on the side of his left wrist, but only small ones, the scratches noticable for the one's who knew that lines were made there before. Fair enough, he got a really big scolding from Hwitaek when the boy found it out. Since that he did nothing but the thoughts never left.

His chest was heavy with anger and the feeling of coldness, making his breath ragged. He can't stand this anymore, this place drives him crazy. He pulled on the silky balck hair with both fists and tried his best to hold back a scream, tears streaming down on his face. Yuto got up and grabbed his school bag, spilling it's content to the ground. He pulled out random clothes from his drawers and stuffed them in the bag. While walking back and fort in the room he accidentally kicked a book. Bending down he picked it up and forcefully slammed it to the wall opposite him, pages crinkling and tearing in the process. Zipping his bag he ran down to the door and put on his shoes. Without saying goodbye he slammed the door behind himself and started walking away. He had earphones in and music blasting loudly, completely blocking out every sound. From time to time his hands flinched in his pocket as thoughts and memories crossed his mind.

Yuto just walked absent mindedly, not paying attention where is he going . He only wanted to get away from that house, the house once he called his home. His stepfather ruined everything he had. Their relationship was bad but it became even worse when he got to know that the seventeen years old Yuto is dating a four and half years older boy who is already halfway through his university studies while Yuto is only a high school student. He got punched in the face and since that the man refused to call him his son. Even his mother got yelled at for ˝raising up a ˝. And now there was the nineteen years old Yuto, still together with that guy and with a worse relationship with his stepfather when he was thirteen.

It was completely dark when he stopped in front of a familiar apartment block. It took him a moment before he realized where is he exactly. He let out a chuckle and wipped his cheeks with both hand. He typed in the code for the main door and jogged up on the stairs. Walking up to a door he knocked on it without a moment of hesitation.

Hwitaek was more than confused when he heard a knock on the door of his apartment. Opening the door he found a tall boy there, with red eyes and tear strained cheeks even though the boy was not crying at the moment. ”Yuto? I thought you didn't wanted to see me...” This seemed to break something in him and the younger let out a broken sob, bring his body closer to his boyfriend’s and rested his forehead on the older's shoulder. The red haired boy felt tears soaking through his shirt. He immediately pulled the young boy inside and closed the door, locking it with one hand and guiding Yuto inside with the other.

He ended up trapped between the wall and the younger's body. His head was still pressed against Hwi's right shoulder, nose buried in his neck. Both of his large hands were gripping on the light fabric of the red haired boy's shirt. Hwitaek put one of his arms around Yuto's waist , other hand tangled up in the silky balck hair, softly caressing his head, hoping that he would calm down. It broke his heart to see his boyfriend like this, exactly back to where they met. Two years ago he found a boy alone, walking aimlessly in the city with a bag on his back. He was clearly crying and trembling in the cold night. Hwitaek stopped next to him with his car and offered him a lift. Eventually instead going back to his home the small boy ended up staying in the university student's apartment for the night. He cried his heart out to the older boy who he just met a few hours ago.

After that night a whole month passed without even seeing each other. One night Yuto showed up again, in a similar state and with a bag. This time he stayed for a whole week and they took the opportunity to get to know the other. If someone would tell the past Hwitaek that he would pick up a random boy from the streets and comfort him and after that let him stay for a week he would laugh the person in the face. But now two years later he was there, hugging the said random boy closer, listening to his sobs. Judging by his packed bag he didn't came for only one night, rather for a week again. “Hey, do you want a hot chocolate?”

Five minutes later they were sitting on the couch, opposite each other and warm mug of hot chocolate in hand. “You were right.” When Hwitaek looked at him with a confused expression Yuto sighed. “You were right.” He said repeating himself. “My mother and stepfather are arguing again. Sorry for pushing you away. Again, for the millionth time when I have problems I push you away.” He let out a dry laugh and suddenly the sweet liquid tasted bitter in the older boy's mouth. “I hope it's okay if I stay here for a while.”

The red haired boy sighed and put his mug on the coffee table. Reaching out he took the mug from Yuto and pulled the boy into a hug. He buried his face into the younger's shoulder and placed soft kisses on his neck. Yuto immediately wrapped his hands around the other's waist and pulled him into his lap. “Idiot.” Hwitaek mumbled between two butterfly kisses. “Excuse you? What?” The japanese raised his eyebrows and slightly pulled away to look his lover in the eye. The older boy cupped his cheeks and caressed it with his right thumb. “When was it a problem when you stayed here? Babe you are so dumb.” He sighed dramatically and leaned closer, pressing a soft kiss on Yuto's lips. “First you call me an idiot and then dumb. You don't love me anymore.” The boy cutely pouted and slightly squeezed the older boy's hips. “You just want another kiss, don't you?” The pouting boy just pouted even more and leaned closer. Hwitaek leaned forward again and kissed the boy for a longer time. Their lips moved in sync, they were like fitting puzzle pieces.

“I’m sorry for hurting you again. I don't deserve you.” Yuto sobbed and tears started rolling down on his cheeks. “No no no. I know how you feel. I'm here for you it’s okay, it's okay.” Hwi tried to calm down his boyfriend again by hugging him close and softly rocking their bodies. After a while Yuto pulled away and looked the older one deeply in the eye. He took his time with appreciating the other's features. His skin tone, the high cheek bones, the straight nose bridge, the shape of his beautiful, deep brown eyes, the shape of those ever so soft, pink lips. The way these features change when he smiles and how his eyes disappeared when he laughs. He could never erase these pictures from his mind, he cherished each one of them. “You are so beautiful.” Yuto moves forward and kissed Hwitaek. “You are my strength.” He dives in for another kiss. “You are the only one who makes me go forward.” Another kiss. “I love you so much.” Leaning down he kissed his boyfriend again. The older one was touched by the words he received. He tangled his fingers with the raven black locks and pulled the boy closer. After the long kiss he slightly pulled away. “I love you so much more.”

A hour later they were lying in the bed, under the covers. Yuto was already asleep, his hair messy and sticking out in random directions. His lips were bruised, one hickey blooming on the left side of his neck and one decorating his left collar bone. Hwitaek was elbowing on his left side, staring at his sleeping boyfriend. It was his turn to examine the features of the other one. His bronze toned skin glowed in the dim moonlight, the way how all of his sharp facial features seem so soft when he sleeps. The red haired boy swept out some hair of Yuto's forehead. In the end of the day, the popular, cold faced, baseball and football player japanese student is just a big ball of fluff. He chuckled to himself and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on the top of the black hai and whispered softly. “I love you.”

With that he turned his back to Yuto and and started dozing off. When he was half asleep he felt the bed sinking behind him and a strong arm wrapped around his waist. The other boy pulled Hwi back to his own chest and placed a kiss on his neck, right on the spot where he left a purplish bruise. “Staring at me is better than sleeping?” The low, raspy voice made him feel warm and a wave of chills ran down on his body. He let out a small chuckle and pressed his back against the toned chest behind him. “You are definitely better than anything.” The boy smiled to himself when the younger buried his face into the juncture of his neck. “Babe, shut up.” Yuto tightened his hold on the a snuggled even closer, the rising and falling of his chest evening out.

Hwitaek placed his hand on top of his lover's and drew small circles on the back of his large hand. The warmth radiating from the toned body from behind and the securing arm around his waist was enough to help him drift into sleep. Cuddling with his big, foreigner and squishy teddy bear was his favorite in the whole world. Despite all the scars inside the younger and all the times Yuto ended up hurting both of them he wouldn't change anything and wouldn't trade his boyfriend for anything. His imperfect, bruised up personality matched his personality from years ago. He was just as miserable as Yuto, living in the exact same situation. Except Hwi was all alone, he had to escape and survive by himself. But now he has Yuto, the person he admires the most and cherishes every small kiss and touch. Before giving up to the feeling of tiredness he interweaved their fingers and lightly squeezed the warm hand. “I really, really love you, Adachi Yuto.” He whispered quietly and felt as Yuto's hold ever so slightly tightened on his fingers . All he felt was his boyfriend and all of his thoughts were filled by him, that's how he keeps going day by day. He wakes up and goes to bed with him, his favorite way to live by. With the last grasp of consciousness he heard a deep, husky voice. “I love you even more, Lee Hwitaek.”

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