“Jennie?”

You turned your head at the sound of your name. You stared, long enough to send shivers down my spine, long enough to make me your prisoner. Then, you smiled at me which was followed by a giggle and I thought to myself, “, I really do love her”. I lost my mind, I leaned in and held your hands as if I was holding something so fragile. Your eyes has always been so threatening, so frightening yet it’s the only thing that can calm me down.

“I love you.”

And it came straight out of my mouth just like that, with no warning; the exact same way my heart started longing for you.

You giggled again and told me, “I love you too”.

Do you, Jennie Kim?

I was taken a back, I should be happy, I really should be happy but my heart feels so tight, as if you were gripping on it and I had no energy to shake your hands off. My cheeks felt so cold as my tears started falling and you reached your hand out to cup my face. Then, you let your forehead rest on mine and all of a sudden, my lips were on yours and that’s when I knew.

Alcohol. That’s how Jennie Kim’s lips tasted and a fool is what I am for Jennie Kim.

-

“My god, I was so drunk last night”, you said as you groggily walked out of your room. Messy hair and heavy eyes. You never walk out of your room like that, you were always somehow perfect but of course you aren’t. You’re just a Jennie Kim and i’m just a Lisa Manoban.

“You were”

And you noticed the sadness, the way my voice toned down and how I couldn’t even look at you in the eyes so here you are walking your way towards me, with a bad hungover. You slid your arms around my waist as your head rested on my shoulder.

“Please don’t tell me I did something wrong.”

You made me love you more than I should.

I flicked her forehead, unwrapping myself from her arms. You’re so damn irresistible, I might actually just move to another country to find my composure.

“You..”

You anticipated, hoping it wouldn’t be followed by something bad. Your eyes were begging and you were ready to apologize.

“You said you didn’t like milk ice cream”

“What?”

“You lied”

“Huh?”

“You had to prove you weren’t a minor but you didn’t have your ID so you said that, out of nowhere.”

You bursted out laughing and the room was filled with your voice. It was good music early in the morning, one i’d love to wake up to. You teared up from laughing and dropped to the floor.

“I’m so stupid”

“You were about to cry”

“I didn’t remember a thing and I was afraid to lose you over something I didn’t mean to do”

What if I lose you over a feeling I didn’t know i’d feel?

I bended my legs just to be eye level with you. You looked at me as if I was a step away out the door and I knew I was going to be stuck with you forever. These feelings I feel for you, they’re happiness in the form of tragedy.

“You’ll only lose me once you get tired of me”

And in the most beautiful way you could, you whispered, “I won’t.”

That’s a promise, right?

-

“I’m sorry”, you cried

Just kidding. Of course it’s not a promise.

“Don’t be”

“I’m sorry, i’m so sorry”

“It’s not your fault, i’m the one who fell for you”

“Lisa, I–“

And I cried, again. When was the last time my heart ached this much? My name used to sound so beautiful when it came out of your mouth but this time, I really, really want to cover my ears. Ah, this is bad. I’m really, really in love with you.

“I’m really, really in love with you”, I pulled you in and wrapped my arms around you. If this was the last time i’d be able to see you, then I at least want to hold you in my arms. Let me grab the one thing that made me feel whole before it becomes the one thing that will tear me back to pieces.

“I don’t know when I started loving you”, out of sympathy, you wrapped your arms around me, too. I guess this is enough.

“And maybe i’ll never know when i’ll stop loving you, too”

Can you still understand me? I’m sorry my tears are getting in the way of my words but please let me have this.

“But that’s fine, you don’t need to reciprocate my feelings for you to make me happy, I don’t understand it either but I guess that’s what makes it both worthwhile and painful”

Not yet. Please don’t let me let go of you yet.

“That I only get to love you from afar”

You stood there, quietly waiting for me to stop crying, quietly waiting for me to let go of you, quietly waiting for the time you wipe my tears and apologize.

“Will you ever stop loving me?”

“I won’t.”

This time, that’s a promise.

-

I stood here, quietly waiting for the doors to open, quietly watching you walk down the aisle, quietly watching you say your vows to the person you love which of course, isn’t me.