The bright lights paced airily around the room -- pink, blue, purple, green -- Sehun looks down. He sighs in exhaustion, hands clasping tightly around a cold cup of Wine Spritzers. It was the only drink he was allowed to have in bars if he wanted his senses intoxicated. Tonight though… he could only survive through tonight with said intoxication. Sehun downs the rest of his drink, his eyes catching sight of the man he was supposed to lie to.

Men like them were disgusting. They were old, married men just using a pretty, young thing like him for pleasure. Men like them were even more abhorrent to Sehun when they expect everything to be free or cheap. They stumble upon an advertisement online, gives Sehun a visit and enjoy. Nowhere in said advertisement had details of payment featured in it so everyone just assumed it would be a small price.

As Mr. Blue Shirt -- Sehun has long forgotten his name; it wasn’t of any importance, really -- places a hand on Sehun’s thigh while sitting next to him, Sehun grins wide. It doesn’t reach far up enough to his ears or makes his eyes disappear because Sehun just can’t. Tonight, he just can’t. It’s been like so for the past few nights, it was getting harder.

Mr. Blue Shirt compliments his smile, calls it beautiful, and Sehun laughs for real. Not because it was funny like a joke friends share but because it was out of mocking amusement. Seeing his laugh, the older man leans in and captures Sehun’s lips. It wasn’t sweet. It wasn’t even filled with arousing and pleasing want. It was disgusting. Sehun wanted to pull away and spit in repugnance but he doesn’t solely because Jongin was back.

From the corner of his eye, Sehun watches Jongin take a sip from his glass of liquor which brings Sehun back to reality; the bitter and distasteful after taste of hard liquor against his lips. Sehun closes his eyes shut, eyes b with tears. They would always do this in movies. Why would they close their eyes? They loved the other person. If Sehun were to be in their place, he wouldn’t close his eyes.

Mr. Blue Shirt broke off from the kiss with a wide grin plastered onto his face. A great contrast to Sehun who keeps an expressionless face on. Mr. Blue Shirt pulls him away from their seats and the next thing Sehun felt was his back harshly slammed against the bathroom wall. He cranes his head to the side to let Mr. Blue Shirt have the satisfaction of kissing the side of his neck and practically eat his face.

Again, from the corner of his eye, Sehun watches Jongin record the two of them, knowing how well Jongin would use the recorded video as blackmail. For money. The thought sickens him and he has to push Mr. Blue Shirt away to rush out of the toilet and out of the bar. He drops into a crouch on the side of the road right outside of the bar, curling his long body into himself. He drops his head in between his knees and sighs. He could honestly cry.

•••♢•••

    Sehun runs a hand through his hair, catching a few tangles wedged around his fingers as he stubbornly tugs through them before slowly taking his clothes out from the dryer. Sehun puts the clothes into the basket after he airs them out a few times. In the service yard on his left stood Jongin who was clad in a loose pink shirt along with a pair of white boxers. Sehun briefly wonders why he was out in the cold but continues to dismiss the thought after seeing a stick of cigarette propped in between the other’s fingers.

Sehun sees Jongin take one more drag of his cigarette and the latter comes in with a hint of a smile on his lips. Sehun looks away. If it was anything more detestable than people like Mr. Blue Shirt, it would be Jongin himself… on most days. While passing by, Jongin pats Sehun’s broad shoulders and sweetly smiles.

“You did well last night.”

Sehun’s heart flutters and before he could foolishly blush, he gathers the last of his dried clothes and rushes out of there. He looks back at the right moment to catch Jongin standing motionlessly in the middle of the utility room, seemingly perplexed.

Sehun enters his room and plops down onto his bed, sighing helplessly. Bringing a hand up to his chest, Sehun presses his palm flat against where his heart could be felt beating. Silence surrounds him and he feels his throat constricting painfully. Sehun wanted to force out a cough to clear his throat but instead, he releases out a surprising sob. Sehun frowns, feeling shocked at himself because Oh Sehun never cries. He sobs again. It takes him a few more seconds to fully accept that he genuinely feels helpless.

He fell for Jongin. Hard. He doesn’t know when. Maybe his feelings for Jongin started when they met again 4 years ago. Sehun releases a squeaky sob. He covers his face with both his hands in embarrassment.

Oh Sehun never cries.

Jongin’s parents died in an accident and Sehun’s parents happened to be the cause of it. For the next 2 years since then, Sehun spent all of his savings on Jongin and him. Jongin never really asked for it but Sehun felt guilty; he felt responsible for the death of Jongin’s parents. Their money dried up and Sehun turned into this for the remaining years till now. It wasn’t any of their ideas in the first place as the one who suggested it was Chanyeol -- their mutual friend -- but how Jongin grew to be so demanding and angry all the time in a span of 2 years was over Sehun’s head.

Outside his door, Sehun hears the hustle and rustle of Jongin getting ready for tonight. He hears the bathroom door opening. Sehun rolls onto his side and curls up into himself; into a fetal position and stutters on a breath. He whimpers, trying to be as quiet as possible with his sobs. The walls and doors of the house wasn’t exactly soundproof and Sehun knows that. He snorts on a blocked nose and closes his eyes again in disappointment. Mainly in himself. Probably Jongin too.

Oh Sehun never cries.

Sehun lays there for a long time -- probably an hour or two -- and comes out of his room after he’s sure his face doesn’t look like he just smoked weed and had someone punch his eyes in. He takes a turn into the bathroom and sees Jongin styling his hair into a messy look. Sehun gulps before putting up an angered front.

“What are you dressing up for?” Sehun grumbles. “It isn’t as if you’re the one who’s going to be put on display.”

“Shut up, Bastard,” Jongin growls.

Jongin brushes the front part of his hair once more and looks away from the mirror hung above the bathroom sink. He pulls out a stick of cigarette from its boxed casing and slips it in between his lips. Sehun watches him light it up with great fascination, oblivious with his own staring. Jongin turns to look at Sehun, their eyes unintentionally meeting. Sehun traces Jongin’s soft facial features with his eyes; his eyes to his small nose to his plump, chapped lips. Sehun’s well aware of his huge liking towards Jongin and he doesn’t want the latter to know. Just the thought of Jongin leaving makes him weak in the knees.

“Were you crying? Your eyes… they’re swollen.” Sehun instantly darts his eyes up to Jongin’s brown ones. When he doesn’t answer, Jongin swallows and says, “do you want to just rest for tonight?”

Sehun grips onto his sense of control the second he felt like grinning and saying yes. He shows Jongin the biggest frown he’s ever shown and flips the guy off, stomping back to his room. He ignores Jongin who calls out for him. As soon as his bedroom door slams close, his eyes brim with fresh, hot tears. Sehun huffs at that, having enough of himself for the day.

Oh Sehun never cries.

•••♢•••

    The deafening sound of someone, who Sehun couldn’t be bothered to remember, singing hits everyone’s eardrums in waves. Mr. Cat Eyes had a nice, soft voice but he was too drunk to use it to sing in a proper manner. Sehun questions why Jongin decided a karaoke room would be a nice change. After the end of the song, Mr. Cat Eyes plops down onto the leather seats, next to Sehun. The latter eyes everyone in the room, his face devoid of any sort of expression. Sehun turns his head to Mr. Cat Eyes when the former feels a hand enveloping his.

“My name’s Minseok. What’s yours, Beautiful?” His words garbled from the influence of heavy alcohol.

Their fingers intertwines. Sehun smiles. It’s been a long time since anyone’s initiated a small gesture like this one. They would usually go straight to kissing. Sehun eyes Jongin who was busy talking on the phone, a stick propped in between his plump lips. Turning away, Sehun smiles up at Minseok.

“I’m Sehun.”

They talk and for the first time in 2 years, Sehun initiates the kiss. He finds Minseok a little too attractive to be disgusting. Minseok has good manners too. Minseok into his cavern and Sehun tries to dominate the kiss, teeth clashing and tongue swirling. In simpler words, Sehun obviously enjoys the kiss as much as Minseok does too. Sehun rests a hand around Minseok’s neck with the other insistently tugging on the latter’s jacket material. Sehun hears a distant beep on his left. Jongin’s recording.

In the back of Sehun’s mind, a side of him persistently nags at him to pull away and apologise but the other side of him wants to just leave. He closes his eyes, tears about to fall. He breaks off from the kiss. Minseok looks up at him questioningly.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I like you. I really do.”

Jongin negatively affected his life. Everything turns into once Jongin’s been brought into the picture. It’s gotten so bad. Up to the point of not being able to like or love somebody else. Sehun wants to like Minseok; he wants to move on to someone else but Jongin… ing Jongin. It was and always will be Jongin. Everytime someone treats him a little nicer than the rest, Sehun’s heart flutters from the attention. Every single time someone wants to really talk and get to know about him, Sehun falls head-over-heels for them but he would always ignore his feelings because Jongin makes his heart flutter two times as intense just by hearing his name slip from the smoker’s lips.

Minseok doesn’t understand. Alcohol’s fault. He leans in to kiss Sehun once again and Sehun happily reciprocates. Sehun smiles against the kiss. He feels Minseok leaning more and more of his weight onto him. Minseok was getting sleepy. Sehun pulls away from the kiss when Jongin tugs the both of them away from each other. Sehun tilts his head up to look at Jongin with the same frown he displayed in the bathroom hours ago.

Jongin hovers over Minseok’s unconscious body and wordlessly pats around the latter’s pockets in search of a phone or a wallet. He slightly smiles once he pulls out a thick wallet.

“You didn’t have to kiss back, you know? Anyway, let’s go,” Jongin didn’t even look at him but Sehun knows the former was speaking to him.

Sehun impassively leans back on his seat, ignoring any more of Jongin’s words. What did he mean by that? He honestly would block the smoker’s words out if he could, maybe even the sight of him, but he can’t and he still sees Jongin turning around with an angry expression.

“What the are you doing, you Bastard? Let us ing go!” He still hears Jongin say.

Jongin grabs him by the wrist when he shows no sign of moving and pulls him out of the karaoke room. Sehun decides that enough was enough and harshly pulls his hand back from Jongin’s hold. Jongin looks back at him with a surprised expression.