Soonyoung had another almost.

He had the words, so ready after 5 years of just sitting there on the tip of his tongue. The moment was perfect; he and Seungcheol had just spent the past six hours together, playing a new RPG video game, ditching the controllers when they found out how bad they were, and then continued with talking non-stop about life—from Mingyu’s latest clumsy incident to how to start on a housing loan. Soonyoung was lying on his left side, on a thin mattress spread on the floor of Seungcheol’s TV room, sharing a blanket with Seungcheol. Their knees were touching under the fabric and Seungcheol’s eyes were just right there; Soonyoung could see each strands of those pretty, long eyelashes.

“Cheol—“

He just froze after that, gaze trapped in Seungcheol’s, mind between fear and desperation. Just like all these years. Whenever their fingers brushed against each other, so often Soonyoung could just lace them together; whenever Soonyoung turned around and found barely a space between him and Seungcheol’s face, which Soonyoung wanted to kiss so bad; he did nothing.

And so this time, he said nothing.

Thinking that he had missed his chance—again—Soonyoung made an ugly face and laughed it off. But then he saw Seungcheol’s once curious eyes now looking at him with a glint: a flash of recognition.

Soonyoung’s heart stopped beating right at that moment.

Despite the fear that had been residing in the bottom of his heart forever, something else took over Soonyoung. Anticipation, hope. It was hard to believe, even by Soonyoung himself: he actually wanted Seungcheol to know. And judging by the look on Seungcheol’s eyes, maybe Seungcheol did.

“Is there a hole in your stomach?”

The words that came out from Seungcheol’s lips were hard to process at first. Soonyoung’s brain finally registered the meaning when Seungcheol continued.

“You were thinking of getting another delivery.”

Aah. Right. Soonyoung should’ve figured it out. There was no way Seungcheol knew. Waves of relief and disappointment filled Soonyoung and it was confusing. Should’ve been one or the other. Yeah.

“You collect coupons,” Soonyoung said in a whine, which (subjectively) hid the turmoil inside him.

Despite arguing that he’s saving the coupons for special occasions, Seungcheol called the pizza joint and used them anyway.

 

**

 

After hearing the sound of his front door, Soonyoung turned around. He found Seungcheol walking inside and gave him a look; the latter noticed yet did nothing but taking off his coat and heading to the kitchen, fixing himself a drink, opening Soonyoung’s refrigerator and wordlessly taking out some cheese. Seungcheol only said a word after he’s settled on Soonyoung’s sofa, a glass and a plate of cheese in front of him.

“What?” Oblivious and innocent.

“I thought you’re staying at Joshua’s,” Soonyoung said in a (arguably) nonchalant tone.

Seungcheol said in between munching the cheese. “Why do I have to stay at Shua’s?”

“It’s your first weekend together in weeks. Your first date since forever.”

It’s rather satisfying to see Seungcheol shrugging it off so casually.

“We watched a movie. We had dinner,” said Seungcheol as if it was supposed to answer Soonyoung’s question. Only after Soonyoung bumped Seungcheol’s shoulders with his and joined him on the sofa that Seungcheol satisfied his curiosity.

“Being with Shua for too long...”

Seungcheol didn’t continue his words but his awkward laugh filled the blanks for Soonyoung. The answer made Soonyoung strike an imaginary winning pose inside his heart.

“We spend a whole day together and you never get tired.” Soonyoung tried not to sound smug. He’s not sure he succeeded.

“Of course.” Seungcheol’s voice was filled with amusement and a bit of confusion. His eyes looking at Soonyoung, casually judging him for doubting the obvious. “It’s you.”

Soonyoung laughed and didn’t stop grinning as they spent the whole night on Soonyoung’s sofa, drinking and eating and talking, like it had always been.

 

**

 

“Wow, you look like .”

“Tell me something new.”

Soonyoung didn’t even bother to raise his voice at Mingyu’s remark. He kept his languid manner even after Minghao came a few minutes later, took a seat next to Mingyu across him, and said with a straight face.

“You look like .”

“Mingyu already told me that. Can’t you guys be original,” Soonyoung let out an unenergetic protest and Minghao just shrugged.

“Okay, what’s wrong.” Mingyu said, looking both amused and annoyed at Soonyoung’s lack of reaction.

“I’m sick.”

Soonyoung was not lying per se. He had been having this sickness for years and he felt like he could explode anytime now. Mingyu squinted and looked like he was about to try replying with some kind of witty retort, only to be cut by a voice from Soonyoung’s back.

“Probably from thinking too much.” The voice, Seungcheol’s.

Soonyoung turned his head and greeted Seungcheol like the other two did, heart skipping a beat the moment Seungcheol took a seat next to him. After all these years, Soonyoung thought. Wow.

“Thinking’s not for you,” said Seungcheol as he put up his ‘Dad face’ and shook his head. “Just go for whatever it is, like you always do.”

Soonyoung was both impressed and taken aback. As one of his closest friends since college, Seungcheol had always been able to sense the general cause for Soonyoung’s distress. But as for the details, especially when the cause was Seungcheol himself... Fortunately (or unfortunately?) Seungcheol was not that sensible.

“This one requires thinking.” Soonyoung replied languidly and Seungcheol let out an unconvinced hum, but didn’t pursue it further.

Instead, Seungcheol took out two piece of paper from his wallet. Tickets. Soonyoung recognized what they were before Seungcheol explained.

“Hao, take it.” Seungcheol offered them to Minghao with a grin. “I don’t even like opera anyway.”

“Thanks but Seokmin’s having overtime this weekend and I’m being a good boyfriend by cleaning his place and preparing to welcome him home with warm food.”

Soonyoung’s sure Minghao said the words without meaning any harm, but with Seungcheol’s current situation Soonyoung felt like it was equal to pouring salt on Seungcheol’s wound. Meanwhile Seungcheol kept his smile and seemed unbothered (hopefully). Well, Seungcheol wasn’t a child who would get angry at a friend for talking about his boyfriend when Seungcheol had just broken up with his.

As for Mingyu—handsome, talented, but stupid Mingyu—he opened his mouth, a confused look on his face as he said, “Why did you buy the tickets when you don’t even—oh. Uh... Uhm...”

Finally putting two and two together, Mingyu looked at Seungcheol sheepishly. Seungcheol chuckled and spoke casually.

“I was planning to go with Shua but, you know.” There’s still a bit of sadness in his eyes when he said his ex’s name, but overall he looked better, and Soonyoung was relieved.

The tickets ended up in Mingyu’s hands; the guy thanked Seungcheol and immediately texted his mom to invite her to the opera.

“Now that my weekend is free...” Seungcheol turned his face to look at Soonyoung and grin. “Let’s hang out.”

“I might have a plan, you know.”

Seungcheol rolled his eyes exaggeratingly at Soonyoung’s words and Soonyoung couldn’t help but smile because he looked silly.

“We’ll do anything you want.”

“Fine. I want a rematch for last time,” said Soonyoung, referring to their last game night more than a month ago.

I want us to lie down on our sides, arms over each other’s bodies, my head on your chest.

“And I want two boxes of pizza. One meat, one mushroom. Your treat.”

I want a restaurant dinner, and a walk the way home, your hand in mine.

“An offering. Compensation for taking my precious time,” said Soonyoung, to which Seungcheol responded with “SHINee’s latest CD it is,” and Soonyoung nodded approvingly.

No. Those lips. Your kiss.

Seungcheol said “Deal” with a large grin and turned his head away to chat with Mingyu and Minghao. Soonyoung was left with the feeling that he just missed another chance. His last chance.

Soonyoung refused to believe.

So he stayed silent as his friends were chatting, pushing the gears inside his head to work, trying to come up with a solution for the 8-year-old problem.

“You’ll be the first person to die from thinking too much.”

The amused voice said next to him and Soonyoung stopped his train of thoughts to see Seungcheol’s lopsided grin and affectionate gaze. He stuck out his tongue and the other laughed.

Soonyoung thought Seungcheol was right. This might actually kill him. And yet he wouldn’t stop.

He’d find a way if it killed him.