Jongdae slid onto the worn out cushion and removed his coat. A waiter arrived within a few moments and took his order -- a small cup of mint hot cocoa with whipped cream on top and a raspberry muffin.
 

Jongdae came often enough that the early morning staff recognize him as a regular. It was on mornings where he couldn’t fall back asleep that he got dressed and walked down the block in the darkness to the small cafe. Of all the places within a close vicinity of his apartment, the cafe opened the earliest -- 4 AM. There were always at least three employees, only one of which Jongdae recognized because he was the one who served him the most.

 

The mornings were often busy about an hour and half later, but Jongdae sat in a secluded corner where traffic wasn’t too bad. On his free days, he would bring his laptop and stay for nearly two or three hours. He could have easily remained at home and browsed the web there, but he enjoyed the ambience of the cafe.
 

The walls were plastered with a soft blue that reminded Jongdae of the sky. The ceiling was painted a very dark blue, so dark that one might mistaken it for black, and there were white specks painted on without any specific pattern to represent stars. He discovered that beneath certain angles they sparkled, or at least he thought they did.

 

Soft music played in the background, mostly piano. The machines were usually louder than the music and the voices. Still, it was better than the silence in his apartment or his own music playlist. Jongdae couldn’t understand why, but sometimes it felt nice to know he wasn’t in control of the music choice. It was one less responsibility for him.
 

In his usual spot, there was a large window to his left. He often stared outside to observe the activity happening on the other side of the glass. He understood the only thing separating him and the people outside was the glass, but sometimes it felt like an entire world. Jongdae felt safe in his seat, sipping his hot cocoa and nibbling on the muffin. Rarely did anyone outside pay him any attention. They were too occupied with checking their phones or catching a ride or crossing the street.

 

It was still dark out that morning. Jongdae had yet another restless night and after several tosses and turns, he got up and headed to the cafe. He was the only customer there so it was relatively quiet. Jongdae smiled at the waiter when he saw him approaching with the drink and snack. The waiter smiled in return and set the items down.

 

Jongdae wondered what they thought of him. Did they see him as a lonely man who had nothing better to do on early mornings? The thought made Jongdae frown at his cup. He was always alone, but at other times, more than not, did he feel lonely. He missed having someone to share his thoughts with, someone he could tap on the shoulder and ask, “What do you want for dinner tonight?”

 

He had two serious relationships within a ten year span, if high school relationships could count as serious considering most didn’t last. He wouldn’t brush off his high school sweetheart as if she didn’t matter or the time spent together was wasted in their youth, because it was not. Jongdae learned a lot including what to and what not to do.
 

It was the romance during college that proved rather challenging for Jongdae. A little over two years later and Jongdae was still recovering from their break-up. Jongdae began frequenting the cafe near his apartment while he was dating his college sweetheart, Baekhyun, but the cafe was always Jongdae’s thing, Jongdae’s special place. He wasn’t quite sure why they never went to the cafe together. It was as if Jongdae was afraid to share it. Well, he was.
 

He and his high school sweetheart made memories at a restaurant and Jongdae couldn’t bring himself to ever step inside, not that he ventured out in that direction too often. It was near his high school, but Jongdae rarely spent time back in his hometown other than his parents’ home once he began college. Even now he preferred to remain within a close vicinity of his apartment, which was why Jongdae appreciated this little cafe.

 

Was it selfish of him to never invite Baekhyun to the cafe? Somewhere deep inside Jongdae, he didn’t want to associate the cafe with his college boyfriend because what if they split and he was all Jongdae could think about when he passed by the cafe? Jongdae was trying to protect himself, but in the end, he was only full of regrets. Baekhyun would have liked the cafe, he knew it then, he knew it now.

 

Yes, Jongdae never took Baekhyun to the cafe and their relationship came to an end, but soon, Jongdae found his thoughts occasionally about his ex. Although Baekhyun was never physically in the cafe, Jongdae’s thoughts invited him inside. On mornings while he was at the cafe and Baekhyun invaded his mind, Jongdae usually got up and left, but that morning Jongdae chose to stay.

 

He carefully took a sip of his hot cocoa. Baekhyun wasn’t a fan of mint chocolate, which rather surprised Jongdae though he knew everyone had different tastes. He just never knew one who didn’t like mint chocolate.

 

Jongdae picked up the plastic fork and stabbed it into the muffin. He no longer had to ask for a fork; they knew to provide it for him whenever he ordered the muffin. Jongdae hadn’t tried a raspberry muffin before meeting Baekhyun and his first time was like a child discovering candy.

 

There was a chill outside that morning, which made Jongdae grateful for the warmth inside the cafe as well as his breakfast. It was said to rain later in the morning, but Jongdae could already see it starting to sprinkle outside. It made Jongdae frown again. He should get up and go, he told himself again. And again he decided to stay and continue eating his muffin.
 

It was raining the day Baekhyun had asked him out. At the the time, Jongdae and Baekhyun had known each other from a couple of classes they shared and at one point, they had shared a bus that left school. The details of that weren’t as vivid as before, but Jongdae remembered how someone nearly crashed into him on their bicycle. Their handle had snagged Jongdae’s bag and dragged it off his shoulder. All the items he had inside spilled out -- textbooks, loose papers, notebooks. The bicyclist muttered an unapologetic apology and took off as soon as he removed Jongdae’s bag from the bicycle handle and tossed it on the ground.

 

Jongdae was near tears as he tried gathering his textbooks before any further damage could occur. That was when Baekhyun raced out from wherever it was to help Jongdae. By the time they had everything, Jongdae was crying because all his notes and textbooks were drenched. Baekhyun, however, took Jongdae inside and they tried to dry out the textbooks. The ink on his notebooks had all smeared, painting the pages blue and black. When Jongdae had calmed down and accepted that his notes were gone forever, he thanked Baekhyun for his help. 

 

Baekhyun’s timing was terrible, but after the two were done attempting to salvage Jongdae’s textbooks later that day, Baekhyun suddenly asked Jongdae out and without much thought, Jongdae said yes. Baekhyun revealed sometime later that he had been meaning to ask Jongdae out prior to that day, but always backed out at the last second. He said if it wasn’t that day, as ill-timing as it was, Baekhyun might never have had the courage to ask Jongdae out.

 

With a soft sigh, Jongdae set down his fork and pushed the small plate off to the side. He didn’t bring his laptop because he didn’t plan to stay long that morning. He wrapped his hands around the mug of hot cocoa, relishing in the warmth it gave off. It was still dark outside. In about an hour the sun would brighten the sky with its rays.
 

Jongdae was never one for sunsets and sunrises. He couldn’t exactly grasp why people made such a big deal out of watching them. Baekhyun had dragged him up early in the morning once to go out on the balcony and watch the sunrise. He seemed excited about it so Jongdae didn’t have the heart to tell him he was tired and wanted to return to sleep. They had stood out there waiting while holding their mugs of hot cocoa. Actually, Jongdae was holding both of their drinks while Baekhyun latched himself onto Jongdae’s arm.
 

Now, Jongdae really should have gotten up and left the cafe because every little thing began triggering memories of Baekhyun and it was weighing his heart down. He missed Baekhyun terribly. He made the mistake once of checking on one of Baekhyun’s social media accounts and found out that Baekhyun was dating someone new. Jongdae knew he should move on. He convinced himself he had until he came across Baekhyun’s page and old, familiar feelings surfaced.
 

Jongdae sipped his hot cocoa. It was still warm, but not hot enough to burn his tongue. He began to drink it down in big gulps.
 

About two months after they broke up, Jongdae went to the movies alone. It was a movie the two had been planning to watch since they first heard about the production. Jongdae didn’t want to skip the movie just because he was supposed to watch it with Baekhyun, but then he and Baekhyun were no longer a thing. Normally, he would skip the food and drinks at the theater, but that day when he went alone, Jongdae decided to treat himself. He bought a large tub of popcorn and a small soda. He sat in the front row because he didn’t want to see the shadows of other people’s heads as a reminder that he was there alone.
 

His neck was hurting at the end of the movie, but it was worth it. Since then, whenever he wanted to watch a movie at the theaters and had no one to go with, he always bought popcorn and soda and sat in the front row. The only bad thing was that after each screening, he had no one to discuss the movie with. He didn’t care that he had no one to share the popcorn with -- all the more for himself -- but without anyone to laugh with about the funny scenes or talk to about the bad acting afterwards reminded him how lonely he felt.
 

Some days were easy and some were hard. Particularly the scenes where he just knows Baekhyun will have something to say about it made him miss Baekhyun the most. Once, Jongdae convinced himself he didn’t miss Baekhyun but someone to share the experience with. He went to the movies a few times with his brother but it wasn’t quite the same. He wanted to share with Baekhyun, he wanted Baekhyun and him to have memories of the same events together.

 

Jongdae tried to block out Baekhyun from his thoughts, but that’s all that occupied his mind. He rubbed his eyes and focused on the piano piece playing in the background. Then he remembered that Baekhyun played the piano and when the two had just only started dating, Baekhyun had an upcoming recital that he invited Jongdae to. To show his support, Jongdae went. The music sounded pleasant, but he thought everyone else who played did a great job too. He couldn’t appreciate classical music like Baekhyun could.

 

Jongdae looked down at his phone. He had been at the cafe for nearly 10 minutes, but it felt much longer. He reached for his mug to sip his drink, only to find it empty. He asked the waiter for a glass of water without ice. He then proceeded to finish his muffin.
 

He missed Baekhyun. The words “I miss him” kept repeating itself in his mind, each time afterward louder and louder until Jongdae swore his own voice sobbed those three words. There were so many things they never got to do that Jongdae really wanted to. True, he could always experience those activities with someone new. It had occurred to him before, but he could never put a face on the other person. It was always Baekhyun’s face.
 

Jongdae has been able to imagine a faceless figure cuddling in bed with him or riding on his back, but it wasn’t enough. For that reason, Jongdae chose Baekhyun because Baekhyun had truly meant something to him. Baekhyun still does.
 

The waiter sets down Jongdae’s glass of water alongside a plastic straw. When Jongdae unwraps the straw, he realizes it’s a bendy one and he feels an extra weight on his chest. He and Baekhyun loved bendy straws like nobody’s business. Bendy straws, curly straws… any shape of straws that weren’t straight. Once for Christmas, someone pulled Baekhyun’s name for Secret Santa and ended up buying Baekhyun a pack of curly straws. His eyes lit up and he hugged it against his chest. That night when Baekhyun and Jongdae got home -- at the time, they lived together in an apartment near their school -- Baekhyun tore through the packaging, took out two large glasses and a bottle of wine, and the two enjoyed the wine with Baekhyun’s new straws.
 

Jongdae stirred his water with the straw before sticking it between his lips. Honestly, what was he doing? Drowning himself in his memories of Baekhyun while he was sitting alone at a cafe before it was even five in the morning?
 

He wondered if Baekhyun ever thought about him. He wondered how Baekhyun -- or he, for that matter -- would act if they were to come across one another. Did Baekhyun ever miss him too?
 

Jongdae had to remind himself that Baekhyun was happy with someone else. They ended their relationship two years ago. If Baekhyun could move on, Jongdae could -- and should -- too. Jongdae never really felt like dating again after the break up. They weren’t good enough; he wasn’t good enough. They weren’t Baekhyun. They weren’t even close to Baekhyun. No one could replace Baekhyun.

 

Of course, Jongdae told himself, he shouldn’t be searching for Baekhyun’s replacement. Baekhyun would always hold that special place in his heart. What Jongdae should be seeking is just someone new. Not a replacement.
 

But just… not yet. Jongdae believed there would be a time and place, but not now nor at his favorite cafe.
 

Jongdae understood that it took time for wounds to heal, and although the two had come to terms of ending their relationship, it still hurt knowing he wasn’t going to return back to the apartment to find Baekhyun humming in the shower or still lying in bed softly snoring.
 

The rain had picked up outside. A man with his hands in his coat pockets ran across the street. A woman stood under an awning and opened her umbrella before stepping out onto the sidewalk. Jongdae would wait until the rain died down before leaving. He hadn’t brought an umbrella with him and he would rather not arrive at his doorstep soaked to the bone.
 

His waiter approached him. “Did you want a cream cheese turnover? We just took them out of the oven. It’s on the house.”
 

For some reason, Jongdae couldn’t respond. He stared up at the waiter and the waiter stared down at him. No words were exchanged for several rather awkward moments until the front door opened and snapped him out of his stupor. Jongdae finally smiled. “Sure! If you don’t mind.”

 

“No, not at all! That’s why I asked,” the waiter chuckled before he disappeared. He returned shortly with a small bag.
 

Jongdae thanked him. The pastry smelled delicious and Jongdae nibbled at a corner. He wasn’t exactly hungry after the muffin, but the scent was too tempting. And it was warm. And free.

 

Jongdae noticed he was no longer the only customer seated in the cafe. A man -- the same that came in earlier -- was seated a few booths away, his back facing Jongdae.
 

Jongdae returned his focus to his turnover. It was still raining by the time he finished eating it. He was actually spacing off, not realizing he was staring in the customer’s direction. And, as it so happened, the man turned around and their eyes briefly met. The man flashed a smile and Jongdae returned it before the two broke eye contact.
 

Jongdae was suddenly hit with spontaneity. When his waiter returned, Jongdae beckoned him to lean in closer. The waiter looked unsure, but bent over anyway. Jongdae whispered, “I’ll cover whatever that young man is getting, but don’t tell him until he's about to pay.”

 

The waiter blinked in surprise. “Are you sure?”
 

Jongdae nodded firmly. Nothing could sway his mind at that moment. Well, except if the customer had ordered a ridiculous number of items, which was one reason Jongdae didn’t want him to know. Jongdae wasn’t filthy rich. He had enough to live by and to treat himself every now and then without worrying about his next meal or next month’s rent.

 

The waiter left and returned a few minutes later with the customer’s tab. The rain had stopped by then. It was perfect timing, Jongdae thought as he pulled out his credit card. When the transaction was complete, Jongdae tipped the waiter in cash and grabbed his coat.

 

He got up and left the starry night sky, the music, the warmth. He put behind the memories of his past love when he stepped out the front door. He exhaled and watched his breath float away.

 

It was a new day and it was time to finally start healing.

 

 

---

 

- 171214 (TH)