August: Day 8

“Why must you lay there at night,

allowing your mind to be clogged up

and robbed of peace.

Why do you flirt with the pain?

Why do you hold on with bleeding hands?”

 

-Pierre Jeanty

~.~.~.~

So Wendy did not resign from her job.

 

If she did that just to take some time off for herself, she’d be letting them win. Her former lover and the person she cheated with. They wouldn’t know, but Wendy would feel like that. Even kindness had an extent. The quick sounds of tap, tap, tap, was the tune that spread throughout her unit. Her brows were raised, her lips mouthing the words she had been typing.

 

So far, everything had been going well in the office — she had finished almost half of the paperwork and reports she had to submit to her boss.

 

Wendy worked as a stenographer in court. She had graduated back in Canada and came to South Korea; dreaming about being able to help her home country. For now, she had to summarize a report on a case of a child murdered in the province, and she felt sick to the core. Their prime suspects were long-time policemen, and Wendy wondered how could they commit such a cruel crime by taking the life of a child already proven to be innocent?

 

Humans are cruel, she concluded and closed her eyes , frowning at a memory that suddenly resurfaced.

 

“Humans are naturally selfish.” Wendy blinked. Her hands paused from typing about a case of theft. Nayeon sat from across her, a grimace on her face, hands fiddling with the paws of a stuffed, purple rabbit that Wendy had bought.

 

“That’s a well-known fact. What’s up?” Wendy’s voice was soft but also perturbed. She placed her laptop on the table in front of her and gave Nayeon her full attention. She crossed her legs and kept her gaze on the younger.

 

Nayeon shrugged. “We want more than we need. Want more than what we can handle. End up with repercussions.”

 

“I guess that’s a curse.”

 

Nayeon bit her lower lip, and her eyes lingered on Wendy who didn’t look away. “Unnie is different.” She replied as her brown eyes showed how honest she was. curled into a toothy grin, cheeks flushing red. Wendy’s heart fluttered, a blush creeping on her cheeks. “You’re so kind. So precious and so unrealistically beautiful.”

 

It was just above a whisper, as if Nayeon was afraid that if she said it any louder than that, it would disappear or get ignored.

 

“And mine.” She added after a second. Her head hung low, hands hugging the bunny to her chest.

 

“I love you.”

 

Wendy stayed mummed. She did not reply, which made the younger more nervous. Instead, Wendy got up from the couch and walked to where her girlfriend was sitting. Nayeon saw her eyes water, and her lips mouthed, ‘Thank You.’ She closed her own when Wendy leaned in, her heart raced and she grinned as Wendy’s hands firmly held her and kissed her on the forehead.

 

“I love you too.”

 

‘You are so much more than you think.’

 

You told me sweet words and some that encouraged me to love myself. I learned to be confident and took pride in my own. But in the end, the person who mended me turned out to be the person who broke my heart and made me worse than before.

 

Was I not enough? Did I disgust you? Did I change for the worse?

 

Please tell me.

 

I’ll change.

 

For you, I’ll change. Just to get you back.

Please.

Son Seungwan

6-27-16

 

Wendy placed the laptop back on the desk. Memories of her diary entries flashed throughout her mind, as if she just went on a trip down memory lane. Letters. They were supposed to be letters to Nayeon. Wendy wrote herself down on the pages, the pain and longing flowing out of the tip of her pen and forming words, that then became sentences, and then into something more. Letters that she never had the chance to give; having no desire to do it at all if only to not make Nayeon feel guilty.

 

She shouldn’t be.

 

So Wendy keeps it to herself.

 

 “That’s enough for today.” She gritted her teeth. Her head throbbed, and she sighed. She leaned back and stared at the living room. Silence accompanied her like it was her only visitor, the only companion that was always there. “It’s been two years.”

 

Now she understood.

 

There was a time when she was skeptical of Taeyeon. Back when she was in Canada, they video called often. After all, Taeyeon was the one who raised her before she left South Korea when she was a child. The older girl would often tell her about her girlfriend. The dates they went on, the fights, the make-ups. Wendy knew everything except the name of her unnie’s ex-girlfriend.

 

Okay, maybe not everything everything.

 

They broke up five years ago.

 

But Wendy heard that she had never moved on.

 

“I guess now, I understand even just a bit of the pain you’re carrying.”

 

~.~.~.~

 

“It’s been days.” Irene muttered and tapped her pen against the wooden desk. She had plans written down in a notebook she had bought from the same convenience store she and Wendy had gone to six days ago. She scribbled and crossed out a lot of things she knew she couldn’t practically apply. Why did she even write scenarios like tripping in front of Wendy and have her help with wrapping up the wounds? She wasn’t even sure if Wendy had medical knowledge, and falling would hurt.

 

 She thought she broke some barriers, but realized that there were still a lot more left.

 

Like how the other day, she decided to get out of her stuffy unit and explore Seoul, as Tiffany ordered her to do. She coincidentally closed her door and turned to see Wendy just locking hers. Irene spoke up and waved, “Hi,” and she didn’t know if Wendy saw her or pretended not to or just not really because she just rushed past Irene and did not even give her a second look.

 

Irene was beginning to doubt the so-called angel Seulgi and Joy kept on and on about.

 

‘Maybe she was late for work.’ Her mind suggested the possible and logical reasons. ‘A short hello would have sufficed.’ She argued back and later realized she was being immature and petty.

 

She tried to recall her past experiences with her other clients who talked about their break-ups and how they mentioned about being changed for the better or for the worse. Words like, ‘He made me feel special, now I don’t know if I’ll still be special to anyone else,’ and ‘I now have a bit of distaste against women after she cheated on me,’ and so on.

 

That had enlightened her a bit.

 

Yesterday, she came to report her progress to Tiffany who also called up Joy and Seulgi. When she had finished telling her story, Seulgi had her chin, monolid eyes squinting in wonder. Joy, on the other hand, sighed in relief and gave her a pat on the back.

 

“That’s not too bad.” Joy had told her.

 

“Did she space out often?” Seulgi raised the question.

Irene nodded, face solemn. “I was careful not to do things that reminded her of her ex, but…” She hesitated. “I couldn’t help but want to know more. So I might have triggered some of her memories. I hope that’s okay with you.” The three glanced at each other and Tiffany shrugged. “Helping someone wouldn’t be effective if you don’t know a lot about each other, in short, earning her trust.”

 

“I beg to differ.” Irene stated respectfully.

 

“Sometimes we tell our deepest secrets and struggles with strangers who know little to nothing about our lives.”

 

That’s what her clients did. Spilled their problems to Irene and placed their hopes on her. There were times when Irene wondered how to handle those things but in the end, the most common advice that she gave them was, ‘In the end, it’s up to you.’

 

‘It’s up to you to let go or keep holding on.’

 

Tiffany chuckled and rested her chin on the palm of her hand, the other one held a pen and wrote on paper. “It’s true. But remember that you can’t just go tell her you’re there to help her and say, ‘Please tell me your problems, I can help.’ Sometimes it doesn’t work so easily.” Her tone did not mock Irene. Instead, it sounded like an objective statement because it was true.

 

When the meeting adjourned, Irene decided to visit her room located inside the building. She bade farewell to Joy and Seulgi before shuffling towards the hallways, greeting familiar faces of her co-workers.

 

“Joohyun!”

 

She stiffened at the sound of her real name at her workplace and she twirled to see a flash of blue . The next thing she knew, she was wrapped in a hug.

 

“I missed you, you small oldie!”

 

“Why oldie?!”

 

Solar ruffled her hair and pecked her on the cheeks. She grinned and showed pearly white and perfectly aligned teeth. Irene stared at her, annoyed. But deep inside, she knew she had missed one of her only friends just as much. Today, Solar was wearing a blue gown, with a long slit on the left side of the dress, showing pale skin.

 

Had she gone out on a date?

 

“So how’s Seungwan? How’s work? You alright?”

 

Irene shook her head as Solar bombarded her with questions. “Everything’s alright. Just figuring out things.” She waved it off which made Solar frown. “You sure?” Irene wanted to say, Nope, but she wouldn’t want to bother Solar.

 

“I’m alright, YongSun. Just peachy.”

 

Working together for three years, Solar knew Irene like the back of her hand. But instead of prying, she shrugged it off and grabbed Irene’s hand. “Right, well-” Irene squealed slightly when she felt Solar drop something on her hand.

 

“Here, a present.”

 

“What is it?”

 

Irene peeked and saw two pieces of green, rectangular paper. “Movie tickets?” Solar hummed approvingly. “I was supposed to go with Byulyi this Saturday but boom, work caught up. I even reserved the whole theatre for the two of us.” Her voice dripped with disappointment and sadness, that Irene felt bad.

 

Byulyi, or MoonByul, was Solar’s girlfriend. MoonByul had been very understanding of Solar’s work and it took Irene back and amazed her. Not everyone could understand their work, after all. But Solar’s strategies to heal a broken heart differed from her so Irene knew that the two wouldn’t doubt each other, especially knowing that Solar only took short-term contracts.

 

“Oh, so you want to go with me?” Irene asked.

 

“I just told you that work caught up.”

 

“So you want me to go with Byul?”

 

Solar raised a brow and growled. She pushed Irene playfully before laughing it off. “Of course, not! There’s no way or time I’ll ever leave you alone with her!”

Irene pursed her lips, eyes filled with mischief. “Why not?”

 

“Obviously because you’re pretty and Byul is a flirt.” She muttered.

 

Irene chuckled and reached out to pat Solar’s shoulder. “There, there. She may flirt with people, but her heart belongs to you. If that’s so, then you shouldn’t worry about anything happening. Besides, I don’t love nor would I do that to you..”

 

“You know, you should really leave this place.” Solar had said it jokingly, but it prompted Irene to ask, “Why?”

 

“Because we cannot truly help without love in our hearts. We cannot give what we do not have, after all.”

 

Solar shrugged, running her fingers through her hair. “Or maybe you do love, you’re just not aware of it. I mean, we can’t really work if we don’t have the patience or traits to help.”

 

Irene rubbed the glossy paper in her hands. “How can you love someone you don’t know at all?”

 

It didn’t even take a heartbeat when Solar answered, “Well, in our line of work, people mostly ask for us to love them. Because they think no one else can give them that so the least we could do is help them realize that there are many pe