this is the map of my heart, the landscape
after cruelty which is, of course, a garden, which is
a tenderness, which is a room, a lover saying Hold me
tight, it’s getting cold.

—Snow and Dirty Rain by Richard Siken

Jessica learns quickly that there is little glamour in dating an idol. Not that she had wanted or expected glamour in the first place, but she hadn’t expected this either.

This being barely being able to see Stephanie, except in the tiny pockets of time she can carve out between schedules. Usually Stephanie is so tired that she’s only half awake and has fallen asleep on Jessica’s shoulder or in her chair multiple times.

This being staying up all night to wait for Stephanie only to receive an apologetic text that she’s sleeping in the company building practice ran late don’t wait up. I’m so sorry Jessi I’ll make it up to you next time! Somehow, Jessica feels like there will be many more next times.

This being finally having one lunch date together, only to have to leave through the back door because of the deluge of paparazzi. Jessica hadn’t even been able to take Stephanie’s hand then, no matter how much she wanted to. She picked out a piece of lettuce from Stephanie’s hair afterwards, and that was the most contact they had during the date.

She knows that you need to compromise in relationships, that you need to make sacrifices, that the passion that burns so strongly at the beginning will eventually fizz out. She knows all this, but she can’t help but long for those days when Stephanie only had classes and tutorials and not live stages, interviews, radio appearances, variety shows, an endless list of activities that doesn’t include Jessica.

Sometimes, she even wishes that she could return to those days of blissful ignorance when she didn’t know Stephanie’s real identity – her stage identity? – and the biggest obstacle between them was their own reticence.

She returns her eyes to her tablet screen, where the MC compliments Tiffany on her eye smile and she gives one that he, along with the audience, swoons over. Jessica likes it too, but she wishes that she could see Tiffany’s real smile – Stephanie’s smile – not on a screen but in front of her, because of her, only for her.

Jessica wishes.

Movie night is one of their traditions. It started with Up, continued through the Toy Story series, and veered into other genres. Jessica learns that it’s not a good idea to eat anything with meat while watching Silence of the Lambs, and Stephanie says she doesn’t know if she’ll ever recover her hearing after Jessica’s screams during The Grudge.

They have a nice safe rom-com – The Vow – planned for tonight. Stephanie is a fan of Channing Tatum and Jessica of Rachel McAdam. Jessica has popcorn, drinks and tissues all set up. It’ll be a great night.

That’s the plan anyway, until Stephanie shows up an hour after their agreed time, her steps heavy and her eyes half-closed. “Sorry,” she croaks, exhaustion and guilt written all over her face. “Recording took longer than I expected and I couldn’t get out of it.”

“It’s okay,” Jessica says, any impatience shoved aside to make room for concern. “Maybe we shouldn’t watch it. You look so tired.”

“No, no, I want to.” Stephanie smiles, and it’s genuine but as weary as the rest of her. “I’ve been looking forward to this. And I already bailed on our last movie night.”

“It’s not like I’m keeping a tab on our missed dates,” Jessica says, although in the back of her mind, she is. Not on purpose, not to be petty or difficult, but because she can’t help it. She can’t help remembering all the times that she looked forward to seeing Stephanie only to lose her to the cameras, to the lights, to the whims of other people who matter more than Jessica.

“Jessi,” Stephanie says softly, eyes pained, contrite, and Jessica wonders what her own face looks like. It must not be good, and she hurriedly tries to smooth out her expression. “I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

It’s what she says every time, and Jessica knows she means it, used to believe it, but. It’s easier not to set herself up for disappointment.

“You don’t have to,” Jessica says, what she says every time. “Have you eaten yet? I could make you something. Or better yet order delivery.”

“I’m fine, I ate at the show.” Stephanie brightens. “Is that popcorn?”

“Yeah, it’s the white cheddar kind you like.”

Stephanie pinches her lips. “I shouldn’t have any,” she says wistfully. “I really have to watch my weight right now.”

Jessica barely manages to stop herself from pointing out that Stephanie is already far too thin. Her cheeks have hollowed out and her collarbones are almost protruding out of her skin.

“But I think I’ll be a rebel for tonight,” Stephanie says with a grin, so infectious that Jessica can’t help but return it. “Chips too! This is going to be great.”

“Don’t forget about Channing,” Jessica adds, as Stephanie takes a seat right beside her and tucks herself against Jessica’s side.

“Channing who,” Stephanie murmurs, eyes fixed on Jessica like she’s already watching the most enthralling of movies.

Jessica swallows. “You know, Tatum. As in, I Wanna Channing All Over Your Tatum.”

Stephanie bursts into laughter. “I’d rather Jessica All Over Your Jung.”

Jessica buries her face into a cushion, feeling like she might set it on fire.

“You don’t like it?” Stephanie asks innocently, a yawn punctuating her question. “I think it has a nice ring to it.”

“Let’s watch the movie,” is all Jessica says. She spends a minute making sure it’s loaded properly on her laptop and adjusting the HDMI cable connecting it to the TV. “Steph, it’s rea—”

Stephanie has nodded off, her head lolling against the back of the couch, her arm wrapped around the cushion Jessica had been holding, her chest rising and falling rhythmically.

Jessica stares at her for a moment, taking in the bags under her eyes that even makeup can’t cover, the black strands peeking out where her roots are growing back, the bruises on her legs from when she had fallen during a performance. She grabs the blanket hanging on her recliner and tucks it carefully over Stephanie, making sure she’s fully covered. She does it extra carefully so she won’t jar Stephanie and wake her up, but Stephanie’s so deeply asleep that she doesn’t even stir when Jessica accidentally jostles her elbow.

“Next time you’re this tired, just tell me,” Jessica says quietly. “I don’t want you to give up the only chance you have to sleep just to be with me. You know how much I value sleep.”

She might as well be talking to the air; she knows Stephanie can’t hear her. The HDMI cable falls limply to the ground when she carelessly disconnects it, almost popping a part off in the process. Jessica closes the browser window with the movie and opens her psychology assignment due next week. She might as well get started on it.

Stephanie usually snores a little, so softly it’s more cute than disruptive, but she’s so tired that she’s sleeping like the dead or, well, like Jessica.

“Sweet dreams,” Jessica whispers, before turning her eyes to her assignment. Ironically, it’s about the effects of retrograde amnesia. She supposes that this is the closest thing she gets to watching The Vow and settles in for a long night.

Jessica wakes up on the couch with her laptop set on the coffee table and the blanket that she had given Stephanie draped over her. She groans and rubs her eyes, feeling cricks in places she didn’t even know existed. She needs to get a more comfortable couch.

Stephanie is gone, and in her place is a note scribbled in the margins of a pizza store flyer. Had to run, Jessi. Sorry about last night and thank you for the blanket <3 We’ll watch the movie one day! —xoxo, Steph

Jessica traces a finger along the hugs and kisses, wishing she could wake up to physical ones and not just a hurriedly scrawled note next to a coupon for a large pizza and wings. She had kept the flyer nearby in case Stephanie had one of her pizza cravings during the movie, and well, at least it came in handy.

Her laptop, like her, has gone to sleep, and when she tries to open it, it beeps a pitiful low battery warning at her.

You and me both, buddy, she thinks. You and me both.

Taeyeon frowns. “You look tired.”

Jessica shrugs. “I didn’t sleep enough last night, but you know it’s almost impossible for me to sleep ‘enough.’”

“You’ve always looked tired lately.”

“Wow thanks, Taeng. You’re a real friend.”

Taeyeon’s frown deepens. “You’ve been skipping class – a lot more than usual. And yet you barely seem to be home either.”

“Are you my mom or something? Do you want to put a chip in me to keep track of my whereabouts?”

“Hey, I’m just concerned about you, because last time I checked we were friends.”

That makes Jessica deflate, just slightly. “We’re still friends. Best friends. I’ve just been…busy, okay?”

“Busy with Tiffany.”

“Stephanie,” Jessica corrects automatically.

“Is there a difference?” Taeyeon asks, and Jessica can’t quite find an answer. She’s supposed to be dating Stephanie, but she feels like she’s dating Tiffany, or the scraps of her she can get anyway. Tiffany belongs to the stage, to the industry more than she would ever belong to Jessica. And Stephanie… Sometimes it feels like she’s not around anymore.

“Sica? Jessica?”

“I miss Stephanie,” she whispers, almost to herself.

Taeyeon looks at her, and Jessica recognizes the expression on her face: pity. “Aren’t you seeing her again soon?”

Jessica may see her soon, but she hasn’t seen her in a while now.

“Tiffany ssi, come on, tell us the truth.” The female MC leans in with a conspiratorial smile. “You’re seeing someone right now, aren’t you?”

A smile, only strained to the practiced eye. “Why do you say that?”

“Oh, I just have an eye for these things, and you’re giving me a vibe that you’re in love. Which special young man was lucky enough to win your heart?”

A laugh, this time. “There is no such man, I swear.”

The MC makes an exaggerated sad face. “Aw, come on. You’re just holding out on us. Aren’t you allowed to date now?”

“I am,” she says carefully, “but I don’t have a boyfriend right now and I’m not looking for one.”

“Well, if you were looking, what qualities do you want? I know you get this question all the time, so give us some juicier details this time.”

“Hmm. A good sense of humour is really attractive to me. I like someone quiet and gentle, but who knows how to take care of you.”

“Are you into the strong silent type then, Tiffany ssi?”

“Something like that.”

“You said before that you like a man who can express his affections. Does that conflict with the strong silent type?”

“You don’t have to express affection through words. Sometimes, even a small thing like buying someone their favourite food or putting a blanket over them when they’re asleep, those say a lot.”

“That sounds like you’re speaking from experience. Do you have any stories to share with us?”

Another laugh. “No, I’m just speaking hypothetically here.”

“I think your fans will be rushing off to buy you food and blankets now, Tiffany ssi. I hope stores have plenty of both.”

“I hope so too,” she says, and smiles.

Jessica drinks in her smile, the softness in her eyes, the pinkness of her lips after she’s been tugging the bottom one between her teeth. She can imagine how many people are watching this show, are falling in love with the look on her face, but for now, for this moment, this is only hers. Stephanie’s smile is hers, the light in her eyes is hers, the affection in her voice is hers. Stephanie is hers.

As if, somehow, she knows that Jessica’s watching her, Stephanie looks right into the camera and turns up the wattage on her smile. It’s a pretty expression, a beautiful expression, but for some reason, it makes Jessica’s stomach twist. That’s not Stephanie’s smile, after all. That’s Tiffany’s.

Jessica’s eyes drop away from the screen as she wonders if there’s really such a difference between the two. Maybe she should get used to the fact that watching videos of Tiffany is the closest she can get to Stephanie these days. Maybe she should stop looking so hard for Stephanie, because it feels like the glimpses of her that Jessica gets are more and more fleeting.

Jessica tries her best to follow Stephanie’s activities, doing everything short of becoming one of her fansites. She checks her fan cafe every day, subscribes to all her social media accounts, watches every single one of her performances. It’s a poor substitute for being with her, for fighting for the last popcorn kernel when they watch a movie together, for singing karaoke with their heads bent over the phone app, but Jessica will take what she can get. She has to.

She supposes she should be grateful that there’s so much material for her to look at, listen to, indulge in when she misses Stephanie. At least she can watch Stephanie try (and fail) to make sangria, she can smile at the exasperated English that leaks from her at times, she can close her eyes when Stephanie tells her listeners “good night and sleep well” and pretend that she’s only talking to her. The thing is, she’s just one of millions of people doing that, millions of fans of Tiffany.

Taeyeon worries about her. It’s comforting in a way, burdening in another. Jessica sometimes wonders if Taeyeon has the right idea, dating her textbooks, married to her degree. It certainly seems like a much more peaceful, less turbulent relationship. She also wonders if Taeyeon’s studies know that she’s cheating on them with Sims.

Sooyoung is caught up in her relationship, and Jessica likes seeing her happy, teases her that she can finally do something with all the couple products she’s collected over the years. She drags Jessica, Taeyeon and Yuri to dinner with Kyungho, and it’s surprisingly nice. Jessica likes how he’s endeared when Sooyoung gives up trying to eat demurely, likes how his eyes crinkle with a smile at her jokes. She ignores the envy burning a hole through her stomach; maybe she can take some antacids for that.

Yuri takes Jessica off guard one day when she asks how things are going with Stephanie. “Good,” Jessica replies automatically, and she can tell that Yuri doesn’t believe her. “She’s just…busy, you know? I mean, I know it’s hard to believe but she’s kind of famous.” Her laugh is so frail it almost shatters in the air. “Wait, I don’t need to tell you that. You have like, all her albums.”

“I’m missing one of the versions of her second mini. They’re always sold out in stores.”

“I can ask her about that if you want. Maybe she can get you a special copy.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Yuri says dismissively. “I’m just a fan of hers. You’re her girlfriend.”

“Right.” Jessica drops her eyes. “Her girlfriend.”

“Sica…”

“She isn’t a bad girlfriend, you know.”

Yuri looks taken aback. “I didn’t say she was.”

“She’s just…busy. She can’t help it.” Jessica feels like she has to defend Stephanie for some reason, even though Yuri hasn’t said a word against her. Maybe Jessica isn’t trying to convince Yuri, maybe she’s trying to convince herself. “I’m sure she wants to make more time for me. For us.”

“I’m sure she does.” Yuri looks more concerned than ever. “Jessica, are you…okay? Are you getting enough sleep? Eating enough?”

“Are you offering to cook for me?”

“I will if that’s what it takes for you to gain some weight. Look at you. You need to take better care of yourself.”

Jessica can’t help but remember Nutella croissants and instant coffee, lazy breakfast in bed followed by emergency laundry day, Jessi do coffee stains come out in the wash? Do you think I need to use bleach? Wait, I don’t even think I own bleach.

“Jessica?”

She shrugs. “I just don’t have much appetite when I eat by myself these days.”

“You can always come by. Sooyoung stays at Kyungho oppa’s most of the time. I wouldn’t mind some company. The place feels so lonely with just me.”

She can tell that Yuri is trying to make it sound like she’s the one who needs some company, and it makes her swallow, her chest feeling tight, knowing how much Yuri cares. “I’ll have to take you up on that offer sometime.”

Yuri smiles. “Good. Anytime, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Yul.”

“No need to thank me. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Right,” Jessica says, and tries to simply focus on the warmth she feels and not wish that it came from another person.

When Stephanie finds her only to tell her that she can’t make it to their date next week, a part of Jessica just…crumbles. It’s not a snap, it’s not a sharp, sudden break but rather the slow, inevitable erosion of something that’s already been fraying.

“I’m sorry, Jessi, I’ll make it up to you next time.” It sounds like a script by this point, and maybe it’s unfair to Stephanie to think that, but life hasn’t exactly been fair to Jessica lately.

“Sure you will,” Jessica says with a hollow chuckle. “Like you did last time? And the time before that?”

Stephanie’s shoulders tense and her jaw clenches, her whole body seeming to become one rigid line. “You know I didn’t mean to.”

“I know you didn’t,” Jessica says tiredly. “You never mean to. I don’t hold it against you.”

“You sound like you’re holding it against me,” Stephanie says quietly.

“Fany.” Jessica doesn’t know why she used that nickname, but it only makes Stephanie’s eyes darken further. “I’m not mad at you. It’s just that…”

I miss you. I feel like I never get to see you, and when I do you’re exhausted and barely with me. I miss seeing you smile, your real smile, not your idol one. I miss arguing with you about spicy food and who ran into whom. I miss you.

The words bounce around her ribcage, making figure eights around her heart, but they can’t reach . Instead, Jessica’s exhaustion and longing wrap their claws around her heart and twist, forcing the wrong words past her lips.

“I know you’re a celebrity, I know you’re super busy and in demand, but I thought I mattered to you.”

“Of course you matter to me!” Stephanie looks pained. “I would love to spend all day and night with you if I could, but I don’t get to just—walk away from all that, okay?”

“Neither do I,” Jessica says, hurt. Does Stephanie think that she can just turn her back and leave? Like it’s that easy for her?

Stephanie bites her lip. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“Never mind,” Stephanie says. “You wouldn’t understand.”

There’s no contempt in her tone, no malice, but still, the words sting, like pinpricks of hail landing on her, spreading a lattice of frost over her skin. Being with Stephanie is usually like bathing in sunlight, leaving her warm and invigorated, but now she just feels cold and small.

“Jessi.” Stephanie looks contrite. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant you’re not…”

“Famous? Important?” Jessica says dully. “On the same level as you?”

“Of course you’re important,” Stephanie says indignantly. “You have no idea how important you are to me.”

That should make her feel warm, and it does shake off the cold spell for a moment, but. “That’s not how I feel,” she says, so quietly she can barely hear herself.

“What?”

“Never mind.” Jessica pastes on a smile. “You wouldn’t understand. I’m just having a moment us lowly normal people feel sometimes.”

Stephanie winces, like the hail had struck her too. “Jessi…”

It’s her turn to backtrack. “I-I didn’t mean that either.” She’s seized by a sudden feeling of alarm, like this is the first step down to a pit they’ll never escape. “Steph, I really didn’t. Don’t take me seriously. I mean, take what I’m saying now seriously but not the rest of it.”

Stephanie smiles then, and it’s her real smile, not the one that Tiffany bestows upon all and sundry but that Stephanie gifts to Jessica and Jessica alone. However, the expression fades before Jessica can fully take it in.

“I think neither of us is…in the best of moods right now.” Stephanie sounds like she’s choosing her words carefully, like she’s worried a wrong one will bring a storm over them. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

“We don’t even have to talk about it.”

“I think we do,” Stephanie says. “I want to know how you feel. I want to know if you’re unhappy.” turns down at that word. If I’m making you unhappy, her tone plainly says.

I’m not, Jessica wants to say, but is it really the truth? Certainly, she’s not exactly happy. It’s hard to be happy when you barely get to see your girlfriend and, when you do, you just end up fighting with her.

“I want to know that about you too,” Jessica says instead. “Just…talk to me, okay? If you can. I know you’re busy, but I like hearing from you even if it’s just a good morning or good night.”

She feels embarrassed as soon as she says it, like she’s ripping off a line from a romance novel, but Stephanie simply nods. Stephanie’s never worried about coming off as lame or cheesy; she doesn’t let things like that stand in the way of saying what she wants to say. Jessica loves that about her.

“I like hearing from you too, even if it’s just a Snapchat of you doodling in your Stats notebook instead of taking notes.”

“That’s only because I already have good notes, okay?”

“Yeah, because you copied them from Taeyeon.” Stephanie grins, teasing, playful, and for a moment everything is back to normal. She can sleep over at Stephanie’s place, or vice versa, and they could go for a late brunch at Noodle Shack and then have a study date that involves more making out than studying. They could ride bikes around the river later, try to cook dinner together in the hopes they could make something edible this time, they could be just a regular couple. For that moment, Jessica can almost let herself believe in it.

Stephanie’s expression falters. “Jessi?”

“Do you want to grab dinner together? I heard there’s a good Italian place that just opened.”

Stephanie’s face falls. “I want to, but I have a meeting with a producer.”

“Oh well, don’t worry about it.” Jessica forces some lightheartedness into her voice. “Good luck with the meeting.”

“We’ll have dinner another night,” Stephanie says, but Jessica notices that she doesn’t specify a date.

“Okay.”

Stephanie kisses her, but it almost feels perfunctory, like one of her thank yous or please support mes at the end of a performance. “I’ll see you soon, Jessi.”

“Okay,” Jessica says, and tries to believe it.

Stephanie does text her more after that, writes I watched the sun rise this morning! :D It was like a scene from a postcard. I wish you could have seen it with me, but then again it was so early I don’t think you could have gotten up haha. Jessica thinks that she would, or at least she would try, if Stephanie had asked her. She would have loved to sit with her and watch the sun break over the horizon, washing away the shadows of yesterday and bringing the promise of tomorrow.

In the middle of the day, Stephanie sends her a picture of her lunch, a sad-looking salad with three tiny strips of chicken and two egg whites. Your favourite ;), Stephanie writes beside an arrow pointing to a piece of cucumber. Jessica smiles, even as she moves her finger to cover the offensive melon.

At night, Jessica lies in bed and forces her eyes open as she awaits a text, even though her body is screaming for sleep. For once, she isn’t disappointed as her phone lights up with the name that has the same effect on her. Good night, Jessi! <3 I finally slipped out between takes, I hope this isn’t too late. Dream of me hehe ^^

“I will,” Jessica whispers, and finally lets sleep wash over her.

She should have known that it wouldn’t last long. Stephanie’s texts get more and more sporadic, slipping from four or five a day to one or two, and then one every other day, and then one day Jessica gets the message:

I have to travel and film a show this week where we’re not allowed phones :( I won’t be able to talk to you for a while. I’ll miss you! xoxo

Jessica knows exactly which show she’s talking about – she probably knows Stephanie’s schedule better than she does at this point – and she knows Stephanie’s telling the truth, that this isn’t an excuse, but.

They’ve gone from seeing each other every day, from leaving toothbrushes and spare clothes at each other’s apartments, to a handful of texts a week. Stephanie is her girlfriend, but Stephanie’s fansites see her more than Jessica does. The idols promoting at the same time as her see her more than Jessica does. The production crew of her drama see her more than Jessica does. All she can do is watch videos of her and wish she could project herself through the screen to her side.

It’s tiring. It’s exhausting, really, to long for someone, to want to be with them and know that they want to be with you too, but there’s filming, there’s a radio show, there’s a festival, there’s everything except a quiet night in Jessica’s apartment with a Torrented movie and a bowl of white cheddar popcorn.

Jessica knows that Stephanie loves what she does, even if she has to sacrifice so much, has to give up sleep and food and privacy and countless other things that ordinary people take for granted. She knows that this is Stephanie’s dream, has been since she was a middle schooler bingeing BoA videos. And yet, she can’t help but wish sometimes, especially late at night when it’s hard to keep base desires away, that Stephanie wasn’t an idol. That she wasn’t famous. That she was just a regular person like Jessica, someone she could hold hands with in the street and eat with in a restaurant and spend time with together without constantly glancing at her watch or over her shoulder.

Having these thoughts makes her feel ashamed, and even if she could magically make it happen, she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t take away Stephanie’s happiness so she could have more of her own. It’s just that… Well, she can’t help but wonder sometimes.

She remembers seeing one of those Classic Couple Lines on Pinterest or Tumblr once: I love not only what you are, but what I am when I’m with you. She doesn’t feel like she loves the person she is when she’s with Stephanie these days. How can she love this brittle, jaded, selfish person? How can Stephanie love this person?

If anything, the last thing that she wonders from that phrase is whether she loves Stephanie. She never had an epiphany or revelation about it. She never woke up one day thinking I love her, nor was she struck by a thunderbolt of adoration as she watched Stephanie smile or sing or sleep. It’s like she’s known since…it’s like she’s always known, and when she looks at Stephanie, or thinks about her, she simply remembers that she does.

She wonders if it’s the same for Stephanie.

Jessica has been in Stephanie’s building enough times for the doorman to recognize her on sight, and Stephanie has given him permission to let Jessica in whenever she wants and Jessica a spare key. That doesn’t mean she just waltzes into Stephanie’s apartment from time to time, but for some reason, she finds herself outside the front door, looking in like she can find Stephanie even though she knows she isn’t there.

There’s a buzzing sound, and Jessica looks in front of her blankly to realize that the door has been opened. Even though she never intended to go inside, she walks in anyway, trance-like, until she finds herself at the main desk.

“Would you like to go up?” the doorman asks her politely.

“Sure,” Jessica says, even though she sees no point in going to Stephanie’s apartment when she’s not in it.

“One of our elevators is under maintenance, so make sure you watch out for the out of notice sign.”

“I will. Thank you.”

He’s always minded his own business, never commenting on anything, never even making a judgmental expression, but she can see him look at her with something awfully like concern. However, he maintains his professionalism and says nothing except, “Have a good day.”

“Thank you,” she repeats listlessly. “You too.”

She almost presses the button for the broken elevator before she notices the stark words OUT OF NOTICE glaring at her and takes a turn to find the other one. Once the doors shut, she waits for it to rise but nothing happens. She wonders if this one is broken too and if she’s trapped here, only to realize that she never pressed a button for the floor. Her finger slips and hits 19 before she finds 22. It hasn’t been the greatest day for her.

When the elevator doors open on the 19^th floor, she almost steps out before she realizes and presses the close button. She wonders what she’s even doing here. Is she going to just sit in Stephanie’s apartment and wait for her to return? That might take hours, days even. Like Stephanie says, she’s not actually home very often, if she even considers this her home. (Once upon a time, Jessica thought that she could make a home with Stephanie, that she could make Stephanie her home. She’s not sure about that anymore. Not because she doesn’t want to, but not all doors can be opened just because you want them to.)

The doors open for the second time, and Jessica walks through them. She always takes the other elevator, so she walks in the wrong direction before she rights herself and finds her way to Stephanie’s door. It opens at that moment, and someone walks out. It isn’t Stephanie. It’s a man. He has a baseball cap pulled over his head, but Jessica can see enough of his face, although she doesn’t recognize him. It’s not one of Stephanie’s co-stars or close idol friends.

“See you later, oppa,” Stephanie says, almost chirps in a bright, happy voice. When was the last time Jessica heard that voice?

“Bye, Steph,” he says, and Jessica’s insides turn to ice. Stephanie has said on more than one occasion that Jessica is the only one who calls her Steph, and as silly as it is, Jessica has always liked that. It’s like something that’s only hers. Or at least, it was.

“Oh.” He stops short when he sees her. “Miyoung, I think you have a visitor.”

“How many times have I told you not to—Jessi!” Stephanie’s face lights up when she sees her. “Hi!”

And despite everything, Jessica finds herself smiling back. “Hi to you too.” She glances at the man, noting that he bears a slight resemblance to Stephanie. And now that she thinks about it, Stephanie does have an older brother… “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s okay, he was just leaving,” Stephanie says. “This is Leo, my brother.” My brother. Those words bring such a wave of relief to Jessica that she feels physically lighter. “Leo, this is Jessica, my…best friend.”

Jessica tries to ignore the way her stomach drops at the introduction.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jessica,” Leo says with a warm smile and extended hand. “Stephanie has told me a lot about you.”

Jessica takes his proffered hand and shakes. “Nice to meet you too,” she says, and then when his next words sink in, “She has?”

He laughs. “Yeah, she says that the greatest thing that came out of her going to university was meeting you. Now, I don’t know what that says about her attitude toward academia, but…”

“Oppa,” Stephanie whines.

“You know she wanted to be a lawyer before,” Leo stage whispers, putting his hand to one side of his mouth like he wants to keep it a secret.

“No way,” Jessica says. “Stephanie, a lawyer?”

Stephanie puts her hands on her hips. “Hey, I would have made a great lawyer, thank you very much.”

“Are you going to eye smile your opposing counsel into submission?” Jessica says, grinning at Stephanie’s wounded pout. “Or hey, you can yell at the judge until they give in.”

“You’re so mean, Jessi, crushing my dreams like that.”

“I thought your dream was to be an idol.”

Suddenly, the light-hearted atmosphere seems to get twenty pounds heavier and ten degrees colder.

“It was,” Stephanie says, “but I had more than one dream. I still have more than one dream.”

Jessica meets her gaze, looking for—what? A whisper of said dreams? A sign that she’s one of them? All she finds is a somber intensity that makes her avert her eyes on instinct, feeling it press down on her.

Leo clears his throat. “Anyway, I have to get going. Steph, don’t forget to call Michelle when you get a chance. Jessica, it was really nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Jessica says sincerely. “I’d love to hear more stories about Stephanie, especially embarrassing ones.”

“Hey!” Stephanie’s protest goes ignored.

Leo laughs, and Jessica sees the resemblance very clearly when he does so. Both he and Stephanie seem to laugh with their whole face and not just their mouth. “Definitely. I’ll even bring baby pictures next time.”

“It was nice to see you, oppa, goodbye,” Stephanie says loudly.

“Getting rid of me so quickly, Steph? I’m hurt.” He clutches a hand to his chest, and then turns to Jessica. “Take care of my baby sister, will you Jessica?”

The look he gives her makes it clear he wasn’t fooled by the ‘best friend’ comment, and with a sideward glance at Stephanie, she can tell Stephanie knows as well.

Jessica swallows. “I will,” she promises. “I care a lot about her.”

He studies her for a moment, and then breaks into another one of those Hwang smiles. “I can tell. You know what, I’m glad that she went to your university too.” He gives Stephanie a look that Jessica can’t read and then says, “Take care” one more time before he disappears down the hallway.

Stephanie leans against her door and lets out a breath. “Well,” she says after a beat. “Do you want to come in?”

The door closes behind them with a muted thud. Stephanie puts her hand on it for a moment before she closes it.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“No thanks,” Jessica says.

Stephanie pulls out a carton of milk – a pink one, it’s strawberry milk – and pours herself a glass. She takes a slow sip, her back to Jessica, her hip leaned against the counter like she wants some additional support.

Jessica’s eyes trace over the line of her shoulders, the dip of her back, mapping out the geometry of her. She’s been wishing to have Stephanie in front of her for ages, but now that she is, she doesn’t feel any closer than she did through a screen. She still feels impossibly far away even though she’s right here, barely a few metres in front of Jessica.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” Stephanie says. She doesn’t say it unwelcomingly, but Jessica still feels chastised.

“I didn’t know I was. I just…found myself here.” It sounds ridiculous even as she says it, like she sleepwalked here. It almost feels like she did. “I didn’t even know you were home.”

“I got home not long ago. Leo drove me from the airport.” Stephanie turns around and smiles at her, soft and sweet, and Jessica’s heart starts doing a gymnastic routine. “It’s good to see you, Jessi. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Jessica’s throat closes up after those words, even though they couldn’t possibly suffice, but the way Stephanie looks at her says she understands. “Your brother seems cool.”

Stephanie makes a face. “Seems, maybe. I’ve been told I seem cool until you get to know me.”

“You? Cool?” Jessica tilts her head to the side, as if considering the thought. “Nah.”

Stephanie turns a full force pout on her. “You’re only saying that because you know me.”

“I’m pretty sure as soon as you ran into me I knew you weren’t cool.”

“You mean when you ran into me,” Stephanie corrects. They’ve had this argument maybe thirty-seven times by now. Strangely, it hasn’t gotten old. Jessica wonders if it ever will; maybe they would have gotten old by then. It’s not an unpleasant thought.

“I know what I said.”

Stephanie takes another drink of her milk, which leaves a pale pink mustache on her top lip. It’s a nice colour on her, but Jessica rather wants to wipe it off. With . Stephanie notices Jessica staring at her and smiles. “Are you sure you don’t want some milk?”

“Sure, I’ll have some,” Jessica says, not moving her eyes away.

“Let me get you another glass—”

“Steph.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t move.”

And Stephanie doesn’t. She stays exactly where she is, still and silent, as Jessica makes her way around the island and then pins Stephanie against it with her body. She makes sure that Stephanie isn’t holding her glass anymore (she’s just that considerate) before leaning in and erasing the distance between them.

“Steph,” she murmurs, almost unable to believe that she finally has Stephanie in her arms again.

“Hmm?”

Jessica doesn’t even try to think of a reply and simply kisses Stephanie, who makes a soft sound against before framing her face and pulling her close, closer, until Jessica can’t tell where Stephanie’s body ends and hers begins.

I love you, she thinks, not a revelation but a reutterance, and she doesn’t realize she’s said it out loud until Stephanie freezes against her.

“What?” Stephanie rasps, pulling away. “What did you say?”

“Uh, I want milk?” Jessica’s eyes dip down deliberately. “Do you have any?”

“Jessica!” Stephanie swats her, and this time she doesn’t even complain about it. “Oh, is that what you said?” She sounds disappointed.

“Actually, I said that I love you,” Jessica says with bravery she didn’t know she had. “So—yeah. You heard it here first.”

Stephanie does that whole face smiling thing – eyes disappearing, cheeks creasing, teeth flashing – that makes Jessica’s want to join in. “I definitely did, and well, I don’t know if you heard it here first but I love you too.”

Jessica just blinks. “Where else would I have heard it?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I’ve told you before. Haven’t I?”

Jessica mutely shakes her head.

“Oh. I guess I just thought it then. Or maybe I told you in my dreams.”

“You dream about me?”

“Of course,” Stephanie says, unabashed. “Who else would I dream about?”

Sometimes, Stephanie just…says these things. They would sound like wannabe pickup lines from someone else, or overly try-hard romantic, but from Stephanie they’re perfectly natural, perfectly genuine. They’re so—Stephanie. Jessica loves that. Jessica loves her.

But that doesn’t make everything all right. It doesn’t solve all of their problems. It doesn’t solve any of them, actually, and it just makes her heart throb with a deeper pain. One that now has a name.

“Jessi?” Stephanie asks, like she’s trying to coax her thoughts from her.

“Does your brother know?” Jessica blurts out.

Stephanie leans back slightly. “About you and me? I think he’s guessed.” Jessica can’t tell from her tone how she feels about that.

“Would you ever tell him?”

“Do you want me to?” Stephanie asks in lieu of an answer.

“Only if you want to.” Jessica bites her lip. “I don’t want to force you into anything.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that…” Stephanie sighs. “You wouldn—” She cuts herself off before she finishes the sentence, but Jessica can hear it anyway. You wouldn’t understand.

“Why are you so sure I won’t understand anything?” Jessica asks, trying to keep her voice calm.

“That’s not what I meant,” Stephanie says, and Jessica feels like they’re having their previous conversation all over again, and it’s not any better than last time. “Jessi, please. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“I don’t want to fight with you either.” How have they gone from exchanging I love yous to this? “I just want to…understand.”

“You can’t,” Stephanie whispers, her face ashen. “Please don’t ask me about this. Not today.”

“Okay,” Jessica says resignedly. “It’s always not today. I’m still waiting for tomorrow to come.”

“Jessi…”

“Never mind. Forget I said that.”

“I won’t,” Stephanie says, unyielding. “We’ve been putting off this conversation for too long. I didn’t want to talk about it through texts or on the phone. I wanted to wait until we could be face to face.”

Jessica lets out a breath. “Okay, we’re face to face now.” They were mouth to mouth just moments ago, but she feels the distance rise between them like a barrier, a wall. “Let’s talk.”

They settle on opposite ends of the loveseat, and Jessica can’t help but be reminded of the first time she came to Stephanie’s apartment, how they ended up sitting right here. It was also after a talk, but she has a feeling that this one won’t go a similar way.

“What are you thinking about?” Stephanie asks.

“The first time we sat here,” Jessica replies. “Do you remember?”

“Of course I do.” Stephanie runs a finger over a seam. “It was after you got drunk and poured your heart out to me.”

Jessica has to fight back a blush. “Well, I’m glad you caught it and it didn’t spill everywhere.”

Stephanie makes a cup with her hands, as if she’s mapping out what it’s like to catch a heart. “Of course. I’ll always keep it safe.” She gives Jessica a soft, sad smile. “You didn’t say it last time, but I still heard you. When I said that I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

“Ah,” is all Jessica can manage.

The heavy look in Stephanie’s eyes is back. “I’m making you unhappy, aren’t I?”

“Steph,” Jessica says helplessly.

“I’m sorry. I know I say it all the time, but I am. I know I always tell you that I’ll make it up to you, and I want to, but I never do, do I? I just make you sadder.” Stephanie’s voice cracks, and Jessica wishes that she could gather up the fragments and piece them back together.

“Don’t say that,” Jessica says quietly. “I know you try your best.”

“My best isn’t good enough though, is it.” It’s not a question, but a statement.

“Steph.” Jessica feels the chill return so suddenly it’s like a blizzard has taken residence in her heart, freezing her from the inside out. “What are you saying?”

“Maybe…” Stephanie hesitates. “Maybe we should take a break.”

“A break,” Jessica echoes hollowly.

“Not permanently,” Stephanie adds hastily. “Unless that’s what you want. Just…until things settle down a little.”

“Is that what you want?” Jessica asks. If this is truly what Stephanie wants, then Jessica will agree. She can’t deny Stephanie anything, and that includes this.

Stephanie doesn’t meet her eyes. “I think it would be for the best.”

“Okay. If it’s what you want.”

“I want you,” Jessica thinks she hears Stephanie whisper, but when she looks at her, Stephanie is staring at a point in the distance so she thinks she must have imagined it.

“Okay,” Jessica repeats, trying to swallow down the lump in . “I guess I’ll…leave…”

“I think that would be for the best,” Stephanie says, her voice calm and cordial, her eyes still far away. “Do you want me to call you a cab?”

“No, thank you,” Jessica says listlessly. “I can walk home.”

“Walk? You live so far. It’ll take at least an hour.”

“I’ll be okay. It’ll be a nice walk. I could use one.”

“Jessi, don’t be silly, let me call you a cab.”

“Don’t call me that,” Jessica snaps, and Stephanie flinches.

“I-I’m sorry.”

“You’re always sorry.”

“I.” Stephanie bites on her lip so hard that Jessica worries she’ll draw blood. “I still am.”

“It’s fine.” Jessica abruptly feels exhausted. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I’ll just get going now before I make your life harder in some other way. Don’t worry about the cab, I’d really like a nice long walk right now.”

“Jessica…” Stephanie seems to be struggling with something. “Have a safe trip home.”

“Thank you,” she says dully. “Take care of yourself, okay? Try to eat and sleep as well as you can. Promise me.” She holds out her hand without thinking, pinky stretched out.

Stephanie has an unreadable look in her eyes. “I promise,” she says, looping her pinky around Jessica’s and pressing their thumbs together. “And you have to too, okay? Take care. Promise me.”

“Okay,” Jessica says, and they go through the routine again. She doesn’t want just their fingers to touch, she wants to wrap herself around Stephanie like their pinkies, wants to press to Stephanie’s like their thumbs. However, she knows that Stephanie isn’t hers to touch, hers to kiss anymore. “Bye, Stephanie.”

“Jessica,” Stephanie says, and Jessica waits for her to finish her sentence until she realizes that’s all she had to say. Jessica waits for another second, two, three, until she realizes that Stephanie is done speaking and she starts making her way to the door.

She has to remind herself to put one foot in front of the other. It’s not so hard once she breaks it down like that. Left, right. Left, right. Take a slight detour around the ottoman. Left, right. Left, right. Don’t crash into that vase. Left, right. Left, right. She’s reached the door. Her hand closes around the knob, but she can’t bring herself to turn it. She realizes that she’s waiting for one final thing – she needs Stephanie to tell her to go.

“I think this is for the best,” comes Stephanie’s voice, sounding like there’s a maze of hairline fractures spreading through it, “but that doesn’t mean…”

Jessica waits, once more, for her to finish, but once more, she stops there. And Jessica decides that she’s had enough of waiting.

“Don’t tell me what’s for the best or worst. I don’t care about that, I only care about what you want. And if you decide that you can face what you want, then – you know where to find me.”

And she walks away with her head held high and her shoulders square. She prides herself on not looking back even once.

Somehow, Jessica manages to get halfway home and she’s taking a shortcut through a park before she collapses onto a bench, buries her face into her hands and breaks down in tears. It’s not loud, in fact she barely makes a sound, and she stays there on the cold bench until she empties herself of tears.

She calls for a cab after that and spends the ride staring out the window with red but dry eyes. She can’t say that she never imagined them breaking up, but this isn’t how she imagined it. One moment, they were exchanging I love yous and kissing against the kitchen counter, and in the next everything soured like milk gone bad, only leaving memories to curdle.

How did everything go awry? How did they get reduced to this?

Jessica barely remembers paying the cab driver and dragging herself up to her apartment. To her home. Home should be comforting, but every surface stares back at her with reminders of Stephanie: the couch where they watched so many movies, the kitchen where they set off the smoke alarm in multiple failed cooking attempts, the bed where they made love even if they didn’t think of it as such at the time.

Everything reminds her of Stephanie, of the home they once had together. Once upon a time, this was their home, theirs to share, to fill not only with furniture and possessions but with laughter and love. However, now Stephanie has packed her bags and Jessica is left here alone, looking at the skeleton of a home.

Her fingers tap an aimless rhythm against her kitchen table as she eyes the long-forgotten strawberry milk she found in her fridge. She must have bought it for Stephanie. It expired two weeks ago, but fortunately it hasn’t started to smell yet.

Jessica tosses out the whole thing, carton and all, and buries it under other garbage so it’s far out of sight and smell. She would hate for it to start stinking near the top of her garbage. The last thing she needs is another reminder of what loss is like.

“Hey, Kyungho oppa told me that he’s a fan of Tiffany too, you should bring her next ti—” Sooyoung’s smile fades at the sight of Jessica’s expression. “Did something happen?”

“I can’t really bring her because…” Jessica shrugs, fighting back the way her chin trembles. “Sorry. You’ll have to tell him the bad news.”

“Oh no.” Sooyoung’s eyes are wide. “Did you…split up?”

Jessica’s mouth twists. “We’re taking a break. Her words, not mine.”

“Sica, I’m sorry.”

Jessica shrugs again. She doesn’t want to talk about it; she feels like if she opens , what will come out are not words but tears.

“Yul and I are planning to go to a bar tonight. You should come.”

“No, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to mix with alcohol right now.” She hasn’t forgotten what happened the last time she got drunk while pining for Stephanie. “Maybe next time.”

Sooyoung puts her hands on Jessica’s shoulders and looks at her with somber eyes. “Look, if she doesn’t know how good she has it to be with you, then that’s her loss. She’s the one missing out.”

“Yes, because I’m so much more of a catch than the number one idol in the country,” Jessica says with a brittle laugh.

“You are,” Sooyoung says seriously. “And Tiffany – Stephanie – was never a catch to you because of that anyway. In fact, that’s it, isn’t it? That’s what’s ruining things between you two?”

“I’m tired of waiting,” is all Jessica says, closing her eyes like she can shut out the world and all the ways it’s disappointed her.

Sooyoung pulls Jessica to her, and says nothing, simply holds her. Jessica’s breathing hitches for a second, but then it calms and she deflates, letting Sooyoung’s silent comfort ground her.

Jessica can’t bring herself to leave Stephanie’s fancafe or unfollow her social media accounts. In a drama, this is the part where she would tear up her photobooks, throw away her albums, post a scathing post about her on a forum, but she could no more have done that than she could have stabbed herself or broken one of her own limbs. Stephanie feels that much a part of her.

In a drama, she would announce that she’s better off without Stephanie in her life anyway, that she doesn’t need her. In a drama, she would go to a barclubcafe and see a familiar-looking girl with long dark hair and smiling eyes only to realize that it isn’t Stephanie. Maybe she’ll leave then, maybe she’ll strike up a conversation with her, maybe…

The thing is, life isn’t like a drama. Life isn’t like a romance novel. Life is Jessica waking up in a bed that has always been comfortable, only to find it hard and cold and far too big for one. Life is Jessica seeing a jar of Nutella while grocery shopping and turning to ask Stephanie if she wants any croissants, only to realize that Stephanie isn’t by her side, that she may never be again. Life is Jessica watching a kissing scene in Stephanie’s newest drama and telling herself it’s fine it’s fake, only to shut off her laptop before there’s a replay of what she can no longer have.

Life is…life, only that it has a conspicuously Stephanie-shaped void in it now. And try as she may, Jessica can’t fill it in.

Taeyeon starts talking about a friend of her friend who’s nice and pretty and happens to be single, and she’s been at it for five minutes when Jessica finally realizes that Taeyeon’s trying to set her up.

“Why don’t you just get to the part where she’s exactly my type and I would dearly regret it if I didn’t give her a chance?”

“I don’t really know what your type is,” Taeyeon says. “You only dated guys except for Minyoung unnie and You Know Who.”

“You can say her name, Taeyeon,” Jessica says tiredly. “She’s not Voldemort.”

“I don’t know, I think she’s done an Avada Kedavra on your heart.”

Jessica stares at her. “Kim Taeyeon, you have just reached a new level of lameness.”

“Thanks, I try my best,” Taeyeon says solemnly. “I always aim to surpass myself every day.”

That gets a smile from Jessica. “If only you could surpass your height.”

“Hey, you’re not much taller than me, you know.”

“Okay, Stephanie has a hair’s width on me and she’s always holding it over me.” Jessica is getting better at talking about Stephanie. It no longer makes her feel like she’s rubbing her tongue with sandpaper. Maybe in a couple more weeks, she can just mention her name the way she would anyone else’s.

“Holding what over you?” Taeyeon asks. “You can still reach what she can, right?”

“Ha ha,” Jessica says absently, threatening to close up as she remembers the arguments they have over height, which can only be surpassed by their arguments over who ran into whom. Maybe the next time they see each other – if they see each other – they can finally settle that fight.

“Hey, Jessica,” Taeyeon says, more serious now. “It was just a suggestion. You don’t have to meet Joohyun if you don’t want to.”

“Who?” Jessica asks blankly.

Taeyeon looks exasperated but not surprised. “The girl I’ve been talking to you about.”

“The nice, pretty, coincidentally single one?”

“Yes, that one.”

“Her name is Juhyun? Like, Seo Juhyun?”

“Well, her last name isn’t Seo, but yeah I guess like Seo Juhyun,” Taeyeon says. “I’m surprised you know who she is.”

Jessica gives her a blank look. “I don’t know who she is. Isn’t that why you’re trying to sell her to me?”

Taeyeon looks like she regrets ever meeting Jessica. “I don’t mean my friend Joohyun. I mean Seo Juhyun. Seohyun. I’m surprised you know who she is. You didn’t even know who Ti—an even more famous idol was.”

“I tried to join my friend’s and I accidentally broke some rule and got kicked out.”

“No way. Really? Which friend?”

“Juhyun – I mean, Seohyun. Have you heard of her?”

“Um, maybe…”

“Well, then again you didn’t know me. I’d be hurt if you knew her but not me.”

“Seriously, you can say her name,” Jessica says. “Either of her names. You can even say it three times in a dark room in front of a mirror. I promise she won’t show up and kill you.”

Taeyeon looks confused. “Huh?”

Jessica realizes that Bloody Mary is a western myth and Taeyeon probably doesn’t know it. “Never mind,” she says. “My point is that I won’t shatter if you mention her. I’m not that pathetic, okay?”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic,” Taeyeon says, and Jessica thinks that makes one of us. “I just think you miss her.”

Jessica swallows. “Missing her doesn’t do anything.”

“You could, you know, tell her that you miss her.” At Jessica’s incredulous expression, Taeyeon quickly backtracks. “I mean, if you’re ready for it. One day. I’m sure she misses you too.”

“Her missing me doesn’t do anything either.”

After all, it wasn’t that their feelings for each other died. However, they had started to wither like flowers without sunlight, and Stephanie wanted to prune them before weeds ate through all of them. She didn’t do a good enough job, because Jessica can feel the weeds growing inside her, thorns twisting around her heart. It hurts. Love hurts, and yet she can’t bear to be free from it.

“She said you’re taking a break, right?” Taeyeon sounds like she’s grasping for straws. “That means you’re not over. You’re just…on hiatus.”

Jessica gives a tired laugh. “That’s how it starts, Taeyeon. You go on break, and then you just break. Up, I mean, break up.” Breaking apart, breaking up, breaking – it’s all the same. There are some things you can’t put back together. Stephanie had promised to keep Jessica’s heart safe, but Jessica feels like it’s already cracked beyond repair. “I don’t know if we’re going to get a comeback stage.”

“It’s not fair for her to make all the decisions,” Taeyeon says. “When she wants to take a break, you take a break. When she wants to get back together, you get back together. Why don’t you call the shots for once? Either ask her to try again, or end it. You can’t just stay in this middle ground forever.”

Jessica is silent for a moment. “I can’t ask her that, Taeyeon.”

“Why not? Besides the fact that you’re allergic to talking about your feelings?”

“First of all, you’re one to talk, and second of all… I love her.” The words come out in a small voice, but not with a small amount of truth. “I love her.”

Taeyeon gives her a look that clearly asks, does she love you back? and Jessica wonders if she really knows the answer.

Eventually, her friends start to look less pitying and concerned. Jessica doesn’t know if it’s that her façade is working or if they’ve realized how terrible their pity and concern make her feel.

It’s probably the latter, but she’d like to fool herself that it’s the former. Maybe she’s doing better at pretending that she’s okay. Maybe if she keeps pretending for long enough, she really will be okay. She can’t aim as high as happy or even content. She just has to settle for fine for now. Fine. She’ll be fine.

It feels like rubbing salt on a wound when Tiffany and Seohyun release a song together called Fine. Seohyun is a little younger than Tiffany, who dotes on her and leaves her embarrassed but fond. Jessica knows the feeling.

Their voices mesh together beautifully, and the lyrics strike Jessica in the chest, hitting a little too close to home.

When one day, one month, one year passes
Will we be living different lives?

Tiffany’s eyes are far away as she sings, her voice more emotional than ever, as if she’s singing from a special place in her heart. Jessica doesn’t think she’s imagining how even makeup can’t cover up the dark circles under her eyes, that it’s not contouring that makes her cheekbones look so sharp, her face so gaunt. It makes her ache, to see how worn down Tiffany looks, how completely exhausted and yet determined to hold on.

(And she can’t help but wonder why Tiffany – Stephanie – couldn’t have felt the same way about them. Why they weren’t worth fighting for.)

Not me
It won’t be easy for me
Still, you fill up my days
Not yet
I tell myself, like a fool
I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth
It’s not fine
Ah ah ah ah it’s not fine

Jessica’s mouth tastes metallic again, and she wonders if it’s because of the words lingering there. She wonders if she can swallow them down, or maybe, for once, if she can get them out.

Maybe she should dig into her replenished alcohol stash after all…

I miss you.

Jessica has typed and deleted the message seven times by now. Make that eight. It would seem that three words shouldn’t take so long to deliberate over, especially given that they’re not even The Three Words, but this time she has no alcohol in her and has nothing to fall back on.

For the ninth time, she writes out I miss you, and this time she doesn’t delete the text, nor does she send it. It sits there in her messages, and if her inbox were a physical one, she has a feeling that this particular letter would lay there gathering dust until it can no longer be made out.

The next day, she has a new message.

I miss you.

No exclamation marks, no emoticons, no xoxo, but even without the sender’s name, Jessica knows exactly who it’s from.

For a second, she wonders if she had sent her text after all, dispelled the cooling draft into a warm breeze, but it still lays there, dormant, in her app.

You’re the one who wanted a break.

What does missing do?

I heard you last night. You sounded amazing. Did you think of me like I thought of you?

She settles on the simplest and truest of replies:

I miss you too.

A/N: Some scenes are inspired by Jay Chou's 我不配 Not Good Enough for You music video.

The low battery “you and me both” line is taken from Goodbye Happiness by ynk, which is one of my ultimate favourite JeTi fics.