She opened her eyes and was greeted with a white ceiling. One blink. Two blink. She stared at the ceiling above her, breathing in and out. That’s when she realized something is covering and nose.

Oxygen mask. She figured.

Dragging her eyes from the plain ceiling, she slowly moved her head, moving her stiff neck along, and observed the walls. White.

She observed her surroundings and noticed that she was in a hospital room. But upon realizing that she was alone, she dragged her eyes back to the ceiling. She was too stiff and too weak to move, so she just spent around ten minutes staring at the plain white ceiling, trying to remember what happened that landed her in a hospital room. She succeded. She remembered what happened.

She remembered sitting in the passenger seat of her boyfriend’s car. She remembered them holding hands and him kissing her knuckles at every red lights. She remembered smiling to him every time he did that. She remembered them singing along to a song on the radio. She remembered laughing when he changed the lyrics to his own words that were so funny. She remembered them walking down memory lane, thinking back to the moment when they first met. She also remembered seeing headlights heading towards them while honking sound was heard. She remembered screaming Sehun’s name. She remembered him taking her hand in his, holding it tight. She remembered her head hitting the side of the car over and over again as the car rolled over so many times. She remembered the pain when the broken glasses pierced into her skin. She also remembered looking at Sehun’s bloody face when the car stopped rolling. She remembered how his eyes looked at her and only her. She remembered calling his name weakly to get a response from him, anything. She remembered him smiling weakly at her despite how lifeless he looked. She also remembered hearing him say, “I love you, Kim Haera,” for the last time before she felt herself being dragged out of the car. And she remembered passing out.

Here she is now, lying in a hospital bed in an empty hospital room, wondering about her boyfriend.

After what felt like hours of staring at the ceiling, she heard the door sliding open, and a voice called out her name, surprised, “Haera.”

The owner of the voice rushed to her side upon seeing her eyes opened, “Haera, can you hear me?”

She didn’t answer. All she did was stare into the eyes of her brother. She knew that he knew what she wanted to hear. But of course he would act like other sane people would when he sees his sister awake after six months of being unconscious. He ran out of the room and screamed for a doctor.

When the doctor and nurses were done checking on her, asking her a lot of questions that she mostly failed to answer, they left, leaving her to rest. She hasn’t spoken a word, only replying to the questions by blinking her eyes for a yes or no.

When they were completely alone in the room, Haera turned to her brother once again to see him already looking at her with worry-filled eyes. He looked sad. He looked like he was arguing with himself. He gave her a smile, finally, after a few seconds of just staring.

“Rest, Haera. I already called mom and dad. They’re on their way. I’ll explain to you when you’re healthy enough, okay? Rest, now,” he smiled, gently caressing Haera’s hair, brushing away the strands that got in her sight.

When Haera refused to sleep, still looking at him expectantly, he gulped, stuttering out, “H-he’s fine, Haera. Recovering. He’s also recovering. You need to recover as well if you want to see him.”

She felt relief flood into her system as she heard what Junmyeon had said. Recovering. He’s recovering. He’s okay.

“Now sleep, hmm?” he hummed, “Sleep and only think of good things, angel.”

So she did. She closed her eyes, letting herself sleep although she just woke up. She sleeps, knowing Sehun was safe.

But what she failed to hear was Junmyeon sighing when she was completely asleep, rubbing his face with regret, “I’m sorry, Hae. I’m sorry.”

--

After a week, she still wasn’t allowed to visit Sehun, who – according to her brother – was in another room, to see how he was doing. She had asked permission from the doctor who attended to her every day, but the only thing he gave her was an apologetic smile, telling her that she should rest and be fully recovered if she wants to visit him.

Haera was only staying in the hospital so the doctors can check up on her muscles and movements. It has been six months of her in bed, so the doctors needed to check if she still can walk and move comfortably. She was told that when she was first brought in, she had broken ribs, fractured collarbone, a broken arm and a lot of cuts all over her body. But that all healed during the six months she was sleeping.

She also have been dreaming about Sehun for the past week. He was always sitting in the seat next to her hospital bed, wearing all white, holding her hand and he was always smiling. Never once did that smile disappeared from his face but never said a thing. He was just there. But she shrugged it off. Maybe she just missed him too much. After all, it has been months since she last saw him.

“Haera,” Junmyeon called from beside her, studying her carefully. It was just the two of them again. Their parents just left to go back home and promised to come back the next morning.

“Hmm?” she hummed as a response, looking away from the television to look at her older brother.

“I – I’m sorry,” he apologized, looking down to his lap before bringing his eyes back to her.

“For what?” she asked, a frown forming in between her eyebrows, genuinely confused as to why he was apologizing.

“I can’t lie to you anymore, Hae. I’m sorry,” he apologized again. He was holding back his tears. He needed to be strong for her.

“They couldn’t save him, Haera,” he finally blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean? They couldn’t save who?”

He looked at her in the eyes, “Sehun. They couldn’t save Sehun.”

“B-but you said – it’s not funny, oppa,” she chuckled, though there was an uneasy feeling inside her.

Upon seeing Junmyeon’s serious face, Haera started shaking her head, her lips occasionally lifting up as she tried to laugh but it turned into a scoff instead, “He’s in another room. You told me he is.”

“He never made it out of the car, Haera,” he revealed, standing up to hug his sister who started crying, “The car – it – it blew up before they could go back to get him out.”

“No,” she sobbed, shaking her head in denial and then she started laughing again, trying to get out of his hold, “You’re joking. You’re always pulling a prank on me. How can I believe you?”

He held her tighter, burying his face in her hair as his own tears fell, trying to suppress the sob, “I’m sorry, Haera.”

--

Haera refused to believe her brother. She didn’t want to believe he was gone. She didn’t talk to him anymore. In fact, she didn’t talk to anyone. She also refused to eat which led her to spend another month in the hospital as she was recovering slowly due to the lack of nutrients.

She didn’t believe what Junmyeon said. Not even after checking with the reception just to find out that there was no patient named Oh Sehun admitted in the hospital. So the first thing she asked from her brother when she stepped out of the hospital was for him to bring her to Sehun. And he did.

So there she was, standing in front of his grave.

Oh Sehun

12^th April 1994 – 28^th August 2017

You will always be in our heart

It was his name that was carved on the stone. Although she liked to think that a lot of people have the same name, the birth date carved was also his. And the date when he died was on that day. The day of the accident.

Haera dropped to her knees at the same time her tears fell. Her heart felt heavy and she couldn’t breathe. Junmyeon was kneeling next to her, holding her weak body to prevent her from falling even more.

There were a lot of emotions that she was feeling at that moment. But one that stood out the most was sadness, emptiness. She felt hollow. Like something had been taken away from her. At that moment, her heart felt empty. Like someone had forcedly dug out a large part of her heart and left it like that. Empty. Her heart was not complete anymore. It didn’t feel as complete as it was when Sehun was still there, alive and healthy.

 I shouldn’t have hold onto life. I should’ve gave up. If I did, I would probably be with you right now, she thought to herself, still sobbing.  

She stayed there for another hour, just crying for the loss of her other half. The only one who understands her more than she understands herself, the one who took care of her when she couldn’t, the one who promised to love her until his last breath and even in the afterlife. And he did. He did love her until his last breath.

For his last breath was when he looked at her with a weak smile. For his last breath was when he whispered the three words that she can never hear from him again.

“I love you, Kim Haera.”

“I love you,” he whispered again after he sees her figure being dragged out of the car.

“I love you,” and again when he could finally close his eyes, letting his tears drop, relieved that his lover was nowhere in his sight and was in a safer place.

“Always,” he said for the last time before the car blew up, taking away his life, before anyone could save him.

 

Losing someone you love to death is very different from a break up between two lovers. Because when you lose someone to death, it means you never broke up. It never ended. Sehun left not because he didn’t love her anymore, he’s just gone.

And Haera never really moved on from him. She promised him that he will always be in her heart. She promised him that she will always love him no matter what happened. Haera kept her promise. Even when years later, she found someone who loved her, maybe not as much as Sehun, but enough. Even when she could finally let herself love again knowing that Sehun would want her to be happy again. Even when she got married to the man, knowing it’s not Oh Sehun. Even when she had her own kids with the man, her own family that is enough for her.

Because that’s just how much she loved Oh Sehun.

Because no matter what happened, Oh Sehun stays with her until the end. In her life, in her memories, in her heart.