Feeling used, but I’m still missing you
And I can’t see the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss against my lips

Ryeowook could feel his heart shattering as his chest imploded. He was sitting on his couch, scrolling through news articles while home alone. ‘Super Junior’s Yesung seen with girlfriend’ all of them said. Where ever he looked, there was someone talking about the latest news of Jongwoon getting a serious girlfriend and how ing in love they were. What was Ryeowook to him? Apparently not much if he was finding out things about him from the media. He was such an idiot for falling in love with him.

And now all this time is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

All he wanted was to smack Jongwoon across the face and yell how much he loved him and scream and cry and do something. But he couldn’t. So he baked. Ryeowook distracted himself the same way he always did- cooking.
A sudden ring of the doorbell had Ryeowook looking away from his oven and hastily wiping away his tears. He quickly walked over to the door and peered through the peephole. Jongwoon. How could Ryeowook fade him when he had just been crying over him? With one last wipe across his cheeks, he opened the door with a bright smile.
“Hey, hyung! What brings you here?” Ryeowook asked happily.
Jongwoon smiled at him in that beautiful way he always did, “Did you hear? I finally got a girlfriend! God, I’m so in love with her. Anyway, I came over to talk to you. It seems like we don’t do that much anymore.”
They didn’t because Ryeowook couldn’t tell him the words he so desperately wanted to. But he smiled despite the prickling behind his eyelids and the tears threatening to show themselves.
“Sure, come on in!”

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her.

Ryeowook would never be anything like that girl Jongwoon was so desperately in love with. After staying there for a couple of hours and talking about how in love he was, Jongwoon had finally left. Ryeowook hated this. He hated him.
Actually, no he didn’t, but hating him would be easier than loving him. At least if he hated Jongwoon he could pretend to like him rather than pretend like he wasn’t dying every time he spoke about the love of his life. Or whenever he smiled, how the whole room just lit up and Ryeowook would be unable to stop himself from smiling to.
Okay, he needed to stop. Ryeowook just needed to remember that Jongwoon wasn’t his, and he never would be.

What about all the times
You would pick me up and we’d just drive
Around until we found a place to stay
And waste the day away
We’d do nothing but it was okay, with me

Ryeowook just wanted to know where he had gone wrong. At what point did Jongwoon start falling in love with someone that wasn’t him? And how had he missed the signs? He must have been too caught up in looking for Jongwoon showing signs of loving him instead. Ryeowook pulled out a bottle of soju from the cupboard and drank directly from the lip. With alcohol now in him, he began to reminisce about what they used to have. Although, to Jongwoon they still had it, but it wouldn’t be the same. Nothing was the same now that Ryeowook was no longer the top priority.

You say it’s not good to spend all my time
Thinking about you
So late at night
But I can’t stop once I start
It’s like an avalanche
Thoughts coming and now
I just wanna hold your hand

This was going nowhere. He needed to stop thinking. But, he couldn’t. So Ryeowook closed his eyes and remembered a time when they had almost happened. Almost.
It had been late after a practice, and it was just the two of them. Jongwoon had been giving him a ride home and had put his hand on Ryeowook’s knee. Once they had gotten to his house, Jongwoon had turned to say something and they were suddenly less than a couple of centimeters apart. He could’ve just barely leaned forward and they would have been kissing. But he didn’t, instead he was a coward and left. Now, he would never know what could have been.

Hold your breath, I’m going under
Not coming up until this night is over
Until this night is over

Ryeowook drank and drank and just wanted to forget. Why couldn’t he forget?

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

This was all for nothing. Jongwoon didn’t care about Ryeowook. He had someone else, so what did it matter if Ryeowook became an alcoholic that couldn’t face the reality of his own heartbreak? He just decided to go to sleep before he did something stupid like call Jongwoon and confess.

All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care, you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
All alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me?

Ryeowook woke up with the worst headache he’d ever had. What had he done last night?
The fuzzy memories of mourning the possibility of loving Jongwoon entered his mind. Oh, yeah. He lost the love of his life for some random girl that had taken him from him. What did he have to lose?

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

“Hey, Jongwoon? It’s Ryeowook, and I just really had to tell you something. Before I do, just promise you won’t treat me any differently because I already know what your answer will be. Okay, here goes.
I love you.”