The truth is, he fell in love with Himchan at first sight.

It took him until now to realize it because it was nothing like everything he thought love at first sight was supposed to be.

He knew he had a sort of crush on him from the getgo because Himchan was beautiful. Pale skin and black eyes which would lock with yours and never let go. All sharp features and dark hair, the incarnation of a raven. But then he smiled and it was like a paper mask shedding away in the wind. Himchan was warm. He was loud too, both in voice and in gestures, always talking in this slightly nasal voice, going higher and higher as he got excited or annoyed.

Yongguk didn't see it at first, it was only when the younger ones pointed out that he noticed that Himchan was also a bit whiney and annoying, especially when he got sick.

Yongguk got fooled at first too in thinking that Himchan's confidence was an unshakeable rock. It wasn't. Himchan was a mountain, a very existing presence, a rock solid shape on which you could always lean on, who could never be forgotten somewhere and yet, as time, hardships and neglects wore down on him, the sediment holding the rocks would slowly turn into pebbles and sand.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Yongguk would see an avalanche of stones rumble down the slope of Himchan's self-esteem, baring the vulnerable and strong heart underneath. Himchan was convinced he was weak, but Yongguk knew he was the strength of the group. As they lived and grew all together, Yongguk slowly learned to listen to the low rumbles of the rocks, and if he couldn't always prevent them from falling, at least he always tried to be there to soothe the pain and help Himchan to tend the wound.

It helped that Himchan wasn't like him and that he couldn't lock his pain inside himself, where no one could see it.

Yongguk could have envied this quality in him, if the man hadn't blazed his care toward him with such a powerful softness. Yongguk was wondering now if Himchan fell in love at first sight with him too. He didn't wonder before as he just took the unexpected warmth and fondness from his co-leader, because quite honestly, he had no idea how to react to it other than to accept it.

Himchan always smiled at him, always touched him, always took the reins after he gave up talking on TV shows because it was too embarrassing, but never overpowered him. Never made him feel inadequate, nor made him feel bad for being too serious. As unashamed as he was in walking in Yongguk's personal space, Himchan never felt invading, always backing off when his skinship wasn't welcomed but always ready to offer and give it when it would be.

Yongguk had always been taught that showing pain was a weakness, that you should be hiding it behind your armor because the world was cruel and would stomp on your wounds without the slightest regret. He still thought it was true, and what people were saying about Himchan's weight, teasing him, despite fully knowing that it wasn't an easy topic for him, was full proof of that. And yet Himchan kept opening the plates of his armor, pointing to the bleeding wound on his heart to his aggressor, looking them in the eyes and telling them "you hurt me". Some would laugh harder and pain him even more, but others, the important ones, usually would then offer to tend the wound and apologize.

What amazed Yongguk everyday was that Himchan had the strange power to apply this incredible ability toward other people too.

It's not like he felt , or transparent with him, no. It was more that by some miracle, the rusted joints of his armor would suddenly be oiled and Yongguk could move more easily in it, sometime even opening the hard plates so he could feel the brush of Himchan's fingers on his skin. And slowly, thanks to him, to his work and dedication to the group, Yongguk had been able to welcome the unique touches of each members of B.A.P.

He wishes it would be enough though, to have their friendship and love, but he knows now that it isn't. It helps, but it's not enough to cure his anxiety and panic attacks. They give him space, understanding, love and support. And maybe it's not enough to be a cure but it's enough to walk the path of recovery.

Himchan still comes to his place in the evening, when he wants to breathe away from the pressure and to be sure Yongguk is eating. At first he only came to check on him, to continue to do what Himchan always does: take care of others. But Yongguk realized after a few weeks that it was to walk away from the leader position for a few minutes too.

Tonight, he looks so tired, so spent, so stressed, chewing furiously on some gum that Yongguk takes pity on him and takes the bag of food from his hands and warm it up himself. Himchan doesn't even protest, looking silently over his shoulder as he serves the rice, his silence the best clue for Yongguk about the tiredness of his friend. Himchan's hand is resting on Yongguk's hip, and after he had finished serving the rice and adding the meat on another plate, he feels Himchan's chin on his shoulder. Yongguk doesn't move from his spot, not reacting to the growing closeness of Himchan's body to his. Since his panic attacks, it's not that Himchan has stopped touching him as freely as he did before, but he has been more careful about it.

He's rumaging through a drawer, looking for seasoning, when he feels Himchan's breath against his neck, eliciting goosebumps.

"Yongguk-ah... Can I hug your back ?" he asks in a whisper.

It surprises him a bit that Himchan actually ask. Usually he would come in carefully, observing the tension or release in Yongguk's shoulders to judge the welcome of his touch.

He hums his agreement, a warmth spreading in his body and his mind like it always does when Himchan says his name like that: with a tenderness he knows he only uses for him. A sigh of relief brushes the skin of his neck and a pair of arms loosely surround his waist. Himchan's head moves a bit, resting now openly against Yongguk's nape. He feels a bit like a turtle and has to strengthen his stance as Himchan's weight completely rests along his back.

They stay in a comforting silence as Yongguk finishes putting the packaging back in the plastic bags. He's grabbing his chopsticks that were drying near the sink when Himchan's voice raises softly.

"Yongguk-ah..."

He hums back a questioning sound, a small smile forms on his lips as he feels Himchan's cheek moving against his skin.

"You love me right ?"

"Of course I love you." Yongguk doesn't even miss a beat as he replies immediately. Himchan pushes his face a bit more against his nape, his arms tightening a bit more around his waist. Yongguk feels the shaky puffs and the wetness of a tear.

He didn't hesitate because it is always obvious to him that he loves Himchan. He balanced the chopstick on the side of his bowl, so he can put his hands on Himchan's, feel them tremble. With his thumb he draws little circles on the thin skin of his friend's wrist.

"Of course I love you." he says again, more slowly, more softly, more reassuring. Himchan sniffles and Yongguk feels his tiny nod, a little whisper against his neck as their hair brushes against eachother.

The food is good, and Yongguk eats it diligently under Himchan's scrutiny. They're sitting on the couch, Himchan's arms loosely circling around Yongguk's waist and his cheek resting on his shoulder. It's only when Yongguk puts down the empty bowl that Himchan reluctantly tears himself from him. But as he's reaching for the bowl to take it away, Yongguk stops his hand.

"I'll do it." He says as he grabs it, staring Himchan down gently until his friend gives up and sighs. "Alright. It's your house."

Yongguk's lips twitch up and he brings his dish back to the kitchen, quickly washing them in the sink. It doesn't take him more than a minute and some might consider it rude to make his guest wait, but he took the habit as he never wants to face a full sink of dirty dishes ever again in his life. This is one of the reason he moved from the dorm after all, and Himchan knows it.

When he walks back in the living room, he sees that Himchan has lay down on the couch on his side, eyes unfocused. If there had been cameras or anyone else in the room, Yongguk would have grabbed his tablet and sit on one of the comfy chair present, putting some space between them.

But they're alone and Himchan is too silent tonight for Yongguk's taste. So he does grab his tablet, but he nudges his friend so he can half-lay on the couch too. They struggle a bit but soon enough Himchan's face is resting against Yongguk's chest, a timid hand resting on his clothed abs. Yongguk's left arm is circling Himchan's back, his hand resting on the soft black hair, his other hand holding up the tablet up so he can continue to work on it.

Himchan's body is warm against his, both tensed and tired, inevitably getting looser and looser as he accepts the affection that Yongguk is pouring on him right now just by holding him so close in his personal space.

"You sure that's okay ?" Himchan still asks, not moving at all, his breath hot on Yongguk's shirt.

"Yes." Yongguk answers simply and Himchan closes his eyes, finally relaxing, as Yongguk's fingers mindlessly brush and play with his hair.

Touching isn't an easy thing for him usually and Himchan knows that. Sometimes the leader would welcome physical affection, but too much in a day makes him uneasy. It has become easier now though, after his move to his own apartment and after a few months of rest from public appearances. His mind and his body feel a bit less jittery and the change in attitudes of his dongsaengs, even though how attentive they already were before, to accomodate him has made a lot of things go much more smoothly and easily.

He knew he could trust Himchan to lead them, maybe more than Himchan himself, and he couldn't have left the group in better hands. Himchan has always been his right arm and more than that, the important link between him and the younger ones. He might be the official leader of B.A.P, but they all know that if he can take care of leading the music side, it's because Himchan is leading the social side.

But that means that as open as Himchan is with everyone, he doesn't allow himself to rest either. Which leads to nights like this where even Yongguk can see how much he needs to take care of himself but doesn't. It's in moment like this too that Yongguk realizes why Himchan can't stop to take care of people around him. Having someone letting their barrier down in front of you, because you made them feel safe enough, that you can carry their weight at least for a little time, it feels great. It makes you feel important and strong.

"It makes you forget about your own worries and insecurities for a while." Yongguk realizes, brushing away the bang on Himchan's forehead, savoring the caress of the hair on the top of his fingers and the skin under their tips.

Yongguk puts down the tablet, unable to focus on anything on it as his body slowly and unconsciously crawled down the couch a little, craddling Himchan's head close to his face, and entangling their legs together.

"Yongguk ?" Himchan's eyes flutter open, the rasp in his voice a bit stronger from his half-asleep state.

"Sleep here." Yongguk whispers. It's not a question, nor an order but more assertive than an offering.

Himchan rubs his face against Yongguk's chest with a small grunt.

"I can't. The kids..." He pushes himself up, trying to stand. Yongguk caresses his cheek with the tips of his fingers and Himchan freezes, looking down in the soft gaze looking up at him.
It takes a beat for the words to build in Yongguk's mouth, honest and direct but slowed down by the lace of longing.

"I miss you too, you know."

Himchan's resolve to his motherly duty vanishes as a pink blush spread on his cheeks, and he falls back on Yongguk's chest with a humph, face nesting in the crook of his neck. Yongguk smiles, closing his arms around his friend's back, and before he can even think or stop himself, lays a feather kiss on the pale and pretty ear. He feels Himchan shiver and it makes him smile, pushing his face against the dark hair, breathing him in.

He smells nice. He smells like Himchan, when the scent of the shampoo has vanished under the wind of the city. It feels good to feel the weight of his body against his like that, especially when Himchan seems to forget his fear to crush him under his "horrible weight" for a moment, and just let himself cover Yongguk.

Yongguk doesn't know to this day what they are to eachother. He can never bring himself to call Himchan his boyfriend, even in the privacy of his mind. They don't date, they don't live together anymore. But at the same time, they don't date or even look at other people in that way. He can't picture how to carve a place in his heart for a more special person when he feels like his heart is already full.

All he knows is that he loves Himchan, and that Himchan loves him. That Himchan will take care of him, and he will do his best to take care of Himchan. And that sometimes, their lips will meet, less and less hesitant each time, warmth spreading in their bodies and minds. It will be slow and comforting, or hot and quick, sometimes they will rub their clothed bodies against eachother, sometimes their skin will meet and get so close that Yongguk's mind trembles and he never wants to move away from Himchan ever again. All his senses become him, filled by the scent, the taste, the touch, the sound of Himchan and in the intimacy of their secret, Himchan would tell him he loves him. Yongguk would caress his face, pushing away the sweaty strands of hair, and whisper it back.

And yet, they don't dare to stamp a label on this. Because they're too afraid that if they take that official step it will break everything down, their career, the group, their relationship. But also that after living together for 5 years they know they have too different lifestyles, Himchan too messy, Yongguk too clean, to do it again, that having their own space helps them.
Couples are supposed to look past that, their goal is supposed to be to live together, right ? Could they really call themselves a couple, and fight the rest of the world to be recognized as such, when they can't even live under the same roof anymore and be happy like that ?

Yongguk tightens his hold on Himchan, closing his eyes. Himchan giggles, Yongguk doesn't know why but it makes him smile. He wonders if it's really caring when you get to be selfish at the same time. And when it comes to Himchan, he knows that he's a very selfish man.

***

Yongnam has to admit it, he isn't as surprised as he seems to be to see a fully dressed Himchan getting out of his brother's room in the morning. He was already half-asleep when he heard him come in last evening and he was deep in the Sandman's magic before he could even consider getting up to greet him. Although it wasn't common for Himchan to spend the night here, especially when he was at home too, Yongnam had known Yongguk's member for a long time and knew how close they were.

Himchan greets him awkwardly and Yongnam replies with a handwave and a yawn, as they go on their opposite way, Himchan toward the living room, Yongnam toward the bathroom. A minute later, his bladder relieved, he drags his feet to the kitchen to find something to eat. Himchan is already getting cereal, milk and bowls on the counter. He stops though when he hears Yongguk's brother's footsteps and gives him a pointed look.

"Be sure he eats something."

Yongnam nods, watching as the man looks back on the food in front of him for a second, then grabs his bag and goes to the entrance to put on his shoes. Himchan opens the door, then look over his shoulder toward him.

"See you..." he says awkwardly. Yongnam waves his hand again and watches as Himchan closes the door behind him as he leaves.

He's eating his cereal on the couch when Yongguk finally appears, not even five minutes after Himchan has left the flat. As he comes to sit next to him, Yongnam serves him a bowl and put it in his hands.

"Your mom's orders."

Yongguk takes the bowl with a mumbled "He's not my mom", and dips the spoon in the mass of cereal floating on the milk, wetting and softening them. He's not very hungry but he takes a half-spoon of cereal, so none of them would be betraying Himchan's orders. Yongnam turns on the tv, putting on the morning news, but muting the sound. None of them can really bear the voices of the MCs so early in the day.

"Are you okay ?" Yongnam finally asks, breaking the silence.

Yongguk looks at him with a bit of surprise. "I am. Why ?"

His brother shrugs. "Well since Himchan spent the night, I'm guessing you needed some company. I mean, outside of me." He looks at his twin, searching his face. "B.A.P are not the only ones who worry about you."

Yongguk's heart warms at the confession and he pushes his brother's face gently with the palm of his hand. "Thank you. But I'm okay. I told him to stay because he was the one who was feeling down."

Yongnam raises an eyebrow. "Himchan ? Down ? That's possible ?"

"More than people think, yeah." Yongguk says, a little brush of sadness painting his smile.

The silence falls on them again and Yongnam decides not to push. Yongguk and him don't have much secret from eachother, they're twins and they're close. He doesn't really get Yongguk's fondness for his babbling and loud friend but he doesn't dislike him either. He knows something strong is bonding them, something deep that wouldn't be easy to break or wear away.

Yongguk wasn't always as reserved as he was when they sued TS Entertainement, and when he had finally seen his brother again after three years of forbidden communication, Yongnam had been scared. He had feared that under the cracked shell of his brother, everything would be so dark and pained that he wasn't sure if he could help him. Yet, he had seen such a fierce determination from Yongguk to go through the whole thing, for his own sake but even more for s. That's how he discovered that they weren't just co-workers for him, no. They held him up, revered and respected him. Loved and still love him.

He knows now, now that they put B.A.P back on tracks, with new arrangements and freedom, that he could count on all of them, and Himchan in particular, to be there and take care of his brother. It was weird, and hard to accept at first, that Yongguk wasn't just his and Natasha's sibling. That he comes now with five other people as an extension of himself.

But it is nice and reassuring too, to see him less lonely. Happier. Loved. And loving.

Not that Yongguk isn't filled with so much love that he tries to save the world all by himself. But it is easier to give to strangers. You don't let them in close enough for them to potentially crush you.

Yongnam smiles to himself. He's glad that Yongguk isn't alone in his quest. He's also very comforted seeing him close enough to someone to open his room to them.

The brothers keep eating in a comfortable silence. Yongguk may never tell Yongnam how close, how far he opened his heart to Himchan, keeping this precious light just for himself a little longer. But they both know he's here to stay, as long as Yongguk will need him, as long as he will need Yongguk.