Part 1- 5 months after the wedding

Tonight is nothing but the usual. His body reacts the same way it did the day he got married. His husband's arm curves around his waist and they both feel the distinct discomfort.

They had no issues with each other but then again, they had no interest either. Junsun was a kind man, a person whose life could be recreated as a movie of the extraordinary.

And yet his virtue alone was not able to bridge the distance between them. It isn't long till Kihyun excuses himself from the charade, smiling politely as he seeks out his own parent.

Tonight was the annual charity ball. One he had attended since he was little. Only now, he was the husband of the host. Naturally, the guests lavish him in attention but the inevitable marital advice is soon offered. He's only been married for little less than a year but he doesn't think much of advice from aged socialites who have their fair share of boy toys hidden behind their fur coat in their closet.

You see, Kihyun doesn't fall easily for such flattery, such falseness. He knows all too well what's it like to go unseen, tucked in the corners so no one can notice you.

Junsun was different, he saw Kihyun when Kihyun didn't want to see himself. That makes the whole ordeal even more heartbreaking.

Bony fingers hold his hand as they admire the massive rock Junsun had gifted him. Just a little something in the eyes of the Yoo company head. A little too much perhaps but Kihyun wouldn't complain, he hardly said thanks.

He plans to fill the void with a treasure trove of pretty things. Diamonds and gems alike, silver with gold and platinum along each of his fingers, dangling from each ear lobe, curling around his neck like a noose.

Even without the frills, they can't take their eyes off him. Kihyun might just like it, he enjoys their show of ogling each detail displayed upon him. Their hands lifted to their mouths, words were spoken below a whisper and he enjoys their fear. Now all they can do is watch, hiding their own bitterness behind a mask of deception.

A mask that is useless against Kihyun because he's already seen behind it. He's already been shoved aside, considered an eyesore in the family. He knows who they really are and it scares them and it should.

It should shake them to their very core, eat away at their delectable frivolousness. He was going to destroy their careful balance of power, tilt it over till it crashed like a porcelain plate dropped to the floor.

And for himself, just watching them feel threatened is enough or at least he thought so.

"I'd like to make a toast, to Junsun and his husband Kihyun," He hears a deep voice call out.

Upon the stairs along side Junsun, his uncle raises his glass to toast.

All eyes gravitate solely towards him as he smiles lovingly at his husband, Junsun awkwardly returning the gesture.

"May your marriage be a long and happy one," he smiles gleefully, probably a little too drunk for his own good.

There's an incoming of flooding good wishing, Kihyun almost surrounded by a crowd.

He politely smiles, catching his mother glance from across the room and he reminds himself.

This is what he wanted.

This is why they did what hey did.

part 2- 1 month before the wedding

Most likely, any and all memories he has of his father is of hearsay. He however, remembers his home with the large gardens lined with roses bushes, the big dining hall he would use as his field to race up and down, the tiny little ball of auburn fur whose name has escaped both his and his mother's memory. In actuality, Kihyun doubts that these are genuine memories but rather just stories he's heard from his mother. She was fond of remembering, which is why she could never go forward.

Traitor, scoundrel, thief.- Kihyun's father has been called all of those and more, mostly ones so distasteful, he refuses to remember them. It was common knowledge that his father had absconded with a pretty portion of the family money. That of course, left his mother and himself with pretty much nothing. Naturally, the house and all of their possession were repossessed, seeing as his father left a fairly large debt behind.

The only saving grace they had was the charity of his father's eldest brother, the father of Junsun. Born two years a part, it was natural that Kihyun and Junsun were close.

Now, he can't help but wonder if they would have taken them in if it wasn't for the strong bond he shared with their son.

Some how, he doubts.

If only his problems ended there. Sadly, it was just the beginning of the humiliation, the disgusted faces, the harsh words.

He was a Yoo, he had their blood but was treated like a bastard child. A nuisance amongst the wealthy, a thief amongst the successful, filth upon the pristine.

His mother treated no different than an inconvenient presence.

If Kihyun believed in superstition, then he could credit the turn of events as a of luck. If he was a man of God, then would clasp his hand in prayer.

But he was none of those, so what does that leave?

A chance, Kihyun was a man of opportunity.

He didn't have to think twice before grabbing it.

He remembers it, the vivid moment when the sealed door had been unlocked. The mansion was awake activity, Junsun was to present. At two in the morning, the entire family was awake because it was Junsun who would lead the company.

The person who would take to his side, would be placed upon the throne.

Every King needed a Queen.

"Ki-Hyun,"

Junsun didn't speak, it was his mother who announced the name. Every pair of eyes in the room, turning to Kihyun.

That queen was going to be him.

present

"It's going to be me," he speaks into the wind, awakened suddenly from his nostalgia.

"Indeed it is," his mother makes her presence known.

He figured he had another half an hour or so till he presented. Somehow, they had ended up here at the beach upon the water. Choosing this place at first, seemed insignificant but he soon remembers spending his summers here with Junsun.

He always took such care of Kihyun.

Kihyun intended on returning the favor. Heart in hand, he returns back to the warmth of the lounge.

The instruments are laid out neatly upon glass table. Initially, it was supposed to happen in the bedroom but Kihyun preferred to stay in the presence of the fire place.

The chances of it being his name that Junsun presented were pretty high as far as Kihyun was concerned. His mother on the other hand, wasn't willing to lax in her control. She had saved up enough money to organize everything without the families' knowledge, great lengths Kihyun didn't understand.

But he soon would.

I sting at first, the skin covering his wrist slowly starting to burn. He sits on the couch, his mother at his side with a bowl of warm rose water. She tries the sooth the burning flesh with the pads of , rubbing the skin gently.

Kihyun pays no attention, his eyes are transfixed on the dreary sky that lies beyond the large window panel. The swirls of gray, silver and navy, swallowing the dim glow of the setting sun. Nothing like the clear blue skies that would prevail as he would splash about in the water, Junsun screeching for him not to go too far. Kihyun never really learned how to swim. For the first time, he wonders.

Did he love Junsun?

Surely he did, Junsun was his sole friend, his only sense of comfort in a house that took pity on him. He was Kihyun's protector, the one to rush to his aid with an overwhelming sense of bravado.

He blinks when he realizes his mother is staring at him. Turning to her, he would be lying if he said was surprised by the look in her eyes.

And he knew, it wasn't Junsun.

The lack of reaction or emotion response is enough for Kihyun to understand what he was feeling for Junsun was not love, not the intimate kind anyway.

That's where sinning starts.

There are no spoken words, just a nod of the head. The other presence in the room makes itself known and his mother gets up. Her gentle hands push him back and he brings his legs up to rest upon the leather couch, leaving his hand of opportunity to dangle at his side.

He knows nothing about the man behind the crisp white mask aside from his petulant need of complete and utter sterilization. So he isn't the least bit surprised when the nameless man insists on cleaning his wrist with a cotton swab for a total of ten minutes. Just enough time for Kihyun to catch a brief glance of the lettering on his irritated skin.

it's the first and last time he sees it before it's removed and replaced with the ebony ink. Each prin prick nudging kihyun towards the reality of his actions.

Junsun

The nameless man removes his mask, his thin lips curving into a smile, obviously pleased with his work.

"The redness will decrease, I left a manual with your mother for maintenance,"

It's the only words he speaks before he packs his stuff and leaves.

All that is left is for Kihyun to go home and begin his life as the queen.

Part 3- 18 months after the wedding

"I don't feel right touching you,"

Junsun had said that on their wedding night. Kihyun shared similar sentiments but tried to make light of the situation. It was a futile attempt. They sleep comfortably on their respective side of their bed.

Selfish, Kihyun felt it on an hourly basis as he went about his daily routine. Naturally, sifting finely through Junsun's schedule took precedence. He simply couldn't ignore the chances of Junsun's rightful partner turning up. Kihyun was not fond of surprises.

But yet he was fairly irked of the particular one he was about to stumble upon.

It wasn't too common to for them to share a meal, Junsun's was erratic. He obsessed over the smallest of details, leaving him restless if not in the company of his work. Kihyun had offered his company but the waters they shared were now tainted. They could barely hold a conversation for more than five minutes.

None the less, Kihyun picks up on the crease of Junsun's brow, the unsteady glances he would scatter amongst the dining hall.

Kihyun had created a fairly accurate profile of Junsun's emotion but this one seems to escape him. At first, it doesn't bother him and he barely blinks when covered in the warmth of his body.

It's as if it was a crisis of epic proportions, his body snapping awake just as he was about to shut off. He makes haste and runs through the notes that Junsun's secretary updates the system with, his eyes sifting through the black text upon the screen of his phone.

Internship interview

9:00 - 9:30 Kim Haechan
9:45 - 10:15 Kim Roy
10:30 -11:00 Lee Kihyun
11:14 - 11:30 Jung Hoseok
11:45 - 12:15 Shin wonho

Sirens set off and he has no idea how he could have missed this. He got too comfortable, taken Junsun's nature for granted. Sleep evades him and the first thing he does in the morning is phone his mother.

They say the price of love is too high but the person negotiating wasn't Kihyun's mother. How, where and what pertaining to this Lee Kihyun is quickly dealt with.

His mother had only bothered to send him a single text.

Don't worry about and don't let him know.

The matter is never spoken about again.

The single act marks his downfall, not even his mother could save him from himself.

-

Day in, day out, Kihyun recycles the same emotions. The denial growing stronger with each passing day, the color of Jusun's eyes fading.

It's as if he's dying and all Kihyun does is watching.

He's too busy wrapped up in his loneliness to care, the cold of his heart choking him at random. Tiny reminders lay strewn upon the house, validating why he had done what he did. Only after a year of marriage, did Kihyun really realize his actual motive and only then does it slowly kill him.

It was never about revenge, as much as he deluded himself. He most likely wasn't aware of his true desire.

The desire to have a home of his own.

This was no home, this was no haven but rather a prison he built for Junsun and himself. No different from the life he lived before but at least then, Junsun could look him in the eye and smile. Why was he punishing Junsun for being anything other than a friend, a genuine friend? Not like these people who paint on their faces and assess his very move.

All of a sudden, Kihyun doesn't know what he's doing anymore and he's pretty sure this isn't the life he intended to lead. Then again, he probably never thought past the point of raising his status in the family. Guess, he thought it would just be alright after that.

He just assumed.

Now they were dying in a hell he created.

He could lie Junsun, to everyone but he couldn't fool himself.

Then the whispering started, voices swarming his mind till he couldn't ignore them but they spoke the truth.

He's innocent, all he ever did was be nice to you.

Why are you punishing him?

Kihyun could never answer them.

These nights, Kihyun can only sleep with the help of Ambien and some wine. They no longer dine together, Junsun doesn't bother to seek him out. Kihyun creates his personal prison, within the hell of the house, he stays locked up in his room.

There had to be questions, Junsun's mother was too aware to allow his son-in-law's absence to go unnoticed. The rich, no matter how extravagant, adhere to rules of the social. Unless you're the black sheep like Kihyun's father.

Unless you're the son of the black sheep.

Kihyun figures Junsun made up some lie, played the part of the caring husband he intended to be. If only Kihyun didn't rip that away from him.

Somedays are better, some days Kihyun can swallow his emotions and breath but on the other, he can barely identify if he's awake or asleep.

Not that it matters, he was barely alive to begin with.

He resigns himself to the bed, his body aching and in need of some activity. His mind, however, is constantly spinning circles around him, accusations and remarks never letting his eyes rest without the help of drugs. They torture him and when he hears his own voice amongst the others, he tries to find his way out, even if there apparently isn't one.

The only option being to disappear but go where? This mansion is all he knows, Junsun and his mother is the only family he's ever had. To lose them would leave him with nothing.

But then again he was nothing.

Nothing better than his father, even worst probably. Atleast he's father had the decency to leave but Kihyun played a sheep in a wolf's skin. He had taken away Junsun's true love and barely blinked an eye.

Guess this is what they mean when they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

He wasn't like his father.

He was worst.

part 4- 3 years after the wedding

There's nothing but shadow, Kihyun dipped in the ebony ink that defiled his hand. It's dense and silent, an open space for him to curl into himself and die. Even with the numbing of his body, the tears on his cheeks, he repents every sin he committed. Each time, more and more ink slips into his mouth and he's choking on the darkness. He created the hell and the only thing left was to devour it. It was his duty and his alone. Junsun should have never been dragged into this. He swallows it all, each bitter memory, each vile intention, everything goes back to where it should have been; in him. Just when he thinks he can't take anymore, there's a shift in the air, a strand of warmth against his cheek, a hushed call of his name. A sense of warmth so fierce blooms inside him, he believes that everything just might be alright. He sees the lips, plush and pink, hands reaching out, strong and rough. Kihyun want's to hold it but he's paralyzed. So all he does is call out but he chokes on his despair when realizes

He doesn't remember the name.

When he awakes, the sun is out, the glow of the ember seeping through the blinds. If not for that, he wouldn't have been able to peer at his wrist so closely.

The saliva pooling in his mouth as he sighs heavily, of course he could only see Junsun's name. The one who reached out to him was most definitely not Junsun. His soul mate voice was deep and stable, his large hands the color of caramel.

He starts off subtle, gentle even as he rubs the ink down with some makeup remover, then a lemon. He's struggling to steady himself, he's fairly frail from not eating properly. From the strange looks the servants are giving him, he must look like hell. Abandoning the kitchen, he barges into the garden shed and sifts out a can of paint thinners. He grabs the hem of his shirt and dips into the substance, applying it to the black lettering. It burns but he's becoming too frantic to really care.

He isn't even thinking about meeting his soulmate, his mind stuck at a red light.

Kihyun just wants to know the name. That's all he needs. He just needs to know the name of the person that reached out to him.

"Oh my god!" a shriek so piercing, Kihyun flinches, his eyes snapping in the direction of the source.

The servant's eyes wide in horror stays transfixed on him. He sees it before he feels it, his flesh raw and pleading. The thick of the blood slipping over the curve of his wrist but he can't feel anything other than the warmth of the smeared blood. Kihyun kind of likes it, the warmth of the blood feeling something like the sensation of an embrace.

Two days later

In the pool of red, Kihyun feels warm and guarded. His body weightless amongst all he's regrets. It's as if his sin has come to his aid, to comfort him because they were partially to blame. He knows better though, denial is something he would never entertain. He hated every breath he had to take, every urge he had to push, every muscle he had to use.Being here would have been so much easier than being there.

The only saving grace Kihyun had to comfort him was his will to make things right, unlike his father. He didn't run away, he wasn't coward, no matter what anybody can say. He took care of his mother, stood his ground, bared the brunt and did what he had to.

He wasn't ashamed but he was empty and he was guilty.

Which is why he can't remain here, he can't remain silent.

When he wakes, he feels breathless like he's been working out. Slowly, the sleep fuzz fades and he panics because this is not his room. It's brief, his eyes scanning the familiar surrounding.

It was the beach house.

"Excuse me," He turns to find a petite girl at the bedside, her eyes cast on the ground as she mumbles.

He just nods but it isn't enough because she isn't looking at him," Morning,"

"Morning sir, Master requested you phoned him when you woke,"

"Uh, thank you," he says as he removes the blanket to find he's dressed in a pair of gray joggers and an over sized sweat shirt.

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything," she almost whispers and disappears.

Kihyun pays her no mind, she looks barely educated. This area was still undeveloped, which left the natural environment untouched. It's not enough, everyone needs money at some point.

His feet barely touch the ground before he feels a sense of dread wash over him. His eyes full blown in fear, he crawls back into the bed on instinct. He doesn't know what he's feeling but he hates it. The sensation makes every joint painful, his mouth dry as he continuously tries to swallow the discomfort.

It doesn't work and eventually, he tires out.

The third time he wakes, he remembers no dream. The room is dull with only the full moon offering some assistance. Amongst the chaos the chaos in his head, Kihyun remembers the vivid memories of staying up late and sneaking out. Junsun was fixated with spotting a shooting star, they would spend hours on the stairs, wrapped in heavy wool blankets.

It was all his fault.

He's numb once again, the wind ruffling his hair but falling flat against his arms. the only thing accompanies him is the phone clutched tightly in his right hand. It was surely lonely but the moon offered much more sympathy than the voices in his mind. It's as if he's only just emerged from the dark of his heart.

He searches for the stars, for his and Junsun but there aren't any on this night. It's wide and depthless, like the space inside him begging for him to fill it up with something of meaning. His treasure trove rotting within the void.

He isn't surprised. How could there be any stars there if he robbed the sky of them? Picked them one by one and drown them in the waters that flowed below them.

The wood beneath his feet cracks, each step instinctive as he climbs down the stairs. He sees the wave but hears nothing but the voices in his head.

This is the only way.

Kihyun stops the minute he steps onto the pier, his scrawny fingers struggling to remove the bandage. Blood is all he remembers, the damage is much more than he expected. He chokes but it doesn't stop there.

"I don't know your name,"

The warmth of the tears dribbles down his cheek, the salty warmth shedding him of numbness. The cold invades but it's no match for the hurt Kihyun is feeling inside. The inevitable realization that he ed things up and there's no way out, no way to make things right.

He would never find his soul mate, he could never reply to the voice that called out to him nor would he feel the warmth of the hands that reached out to him. He had stolen his star too.

How does one person things up so bad? A bitter laugh escapes and he thinks about how they compared him to his father. No, his father's sins paled in comparison to his own. At least his father didn't ruin himself, much like the way Kihyun did. He probably died a happy drunk man with a std in some hole.- happy being the key word here.

Kihyun, however, had managed to kill himself in a much more pathetic manner and he wasn't even dead.

He continues to walk, his hand shaking as he struggles to maintain a grip on the phone. Before he reaches the edge, he dials the number.

It rings twice before the call is picked up and Kihyun shuffles to a stop. He seemingly can't multitask, so he stops midway and stars into the night as the tears flow.

"Kihyun, are you okay?" Guilt, Junsun practically oozes it.

He did that, he pushed him away.

Kihyun tries to speak but only a sobs escape, his eyes blinking the tears away.

"Ki-"

"I stole your star," he croaks before Junsun can get any further.

"What?"

"Your shooting star," Kihyun struggles," The one you were always looking for. I stole it."

"Ki," Junsun hadn't called him that since he presented," please calm down."

"Junsun, " He manages between sobs.

"Ki,"

"I don't know his name, Junsun. I can't remember his name,"

"Who's name?"

"No, you don't understand. I FORGOT HIS NAME," he screeches into the phone," and now it's all over."

"No no, nothing is over Kihyun," Junsun tries hard to remain level-headed but he didn't like where this was going," Whatever happened, we can fix it."

That was such a Junsun thing to say, like when he broke the vase in the study or when he scratched his uncle Elvis Presley record. Junsun would always say that he would fix it. Kihyun never understood how but the damaged goods were barely addressed. Some time later, he found out it was Junsun who took the blame and of course his parents did nothing. All Kihyun could think was how Junsun was the nicest person.

"You don't deserve this," Kihyun swallows thickly, trying to regain his voice," I'm irreparable, you can't fix me. Junsun, forgive me, you know you were my only friend, the only one that saw. So please, forgive me,"

"Kihyun, this isn't funny. Forgive you for what?"

"I hid your star far away from here. I wrote the details down, it's on the top shelf of my wardrobe. You'll find it beneath a red velvet box. You can't fix me but you can fix yourself,"

"Kihyun, for the love of God-"

"I lied Junsun, I'm not your soulmate but you already know that. It was fake, the name on my wrist is no more than an ink from a machine." silence follows and Kihyun continues," You owe me nothing but please take of my mother, I know you don't have to. I know I ruined-"

"Kihyun!," Junsun's tone is something he's never heard before," Stop, we can discuss this. I'm furious Ki but you're scaring me. Please, just come home and we'll talk."

"Lee Kihyun," Kihyun smiles bitterly,"That intern, he was the one. I know you felt it. I bribed him, Jun,"

"...we'll discuss it, just-"

"Discuss what? what a heartless money hungry I am?"

" Your none of that. I'm sorry I pulled away but Ki, I know you. I've known you my whole life, this isn't you,"

Kihyun sighs heavily, a weak smile on his face,"Why don't you hate me?"

"Cause you're my family Ki," Junsun almost pleads," Please, listen.'

Junsun's sincerity unleashes another wave of overwhelming emotion, his throat restricting as he cries and cries. Junsun's heavy breathing keeping him company in his misery.

"But I can't remember his name," He repeats,"I can't remember his name."

"We'll find him," Junsun reasons breathless,"there has to be a way."

Kihyun wants to believe. He looks to the sky, wondering what his soulmate is doing. It's late in the evening, maybe he's leaving work or just returning home, maybe she's out drinking with some friends or working late or not working at all. He wonders if they're also alone.

" There are no stars out. I wonder if it's because I'm out here alone," maybe they only came out for Junsun.

Kihyun hopes his soulmate has a friend like Junsun, who can show the night sky littered with gems more precious than any stone Kihyun could ever afford.

Most importantly, he hopes his soulmate has a home to rest their head.

He forgot himself, he forgot his soul mate's name and between the vast oceans and empty skies, he's been forgotten as well.

He just needs to dispose of his soulless body.

The phone becomes part of the background, the tiny voice of Junsun chattering away.

He has spent some of his happiest moments at this beach, maybe, just maybe the ocean will remember him for who he had once been.