They say you get seven minutes.

They say, first your pain subsides, then your body goes numb. Your eyelids feels heavy and you can’t seem to shrug off the sleepy sensation creeping onward even if you are fully aware of the fact that this shall be the last time you close your eyes; even if you try to resist. (But then if this sleep guards you away from this immense pain, then “Let’s just hope there will be a nice dream”, you hope).
A dream so beautiful you won’t regret never waking up again.
So Jiwon closed his eyes to the dream of sunshine in someone’s eyes.
They say, after you close your eyes, your body will feel as if it has been lifted up. You can’t move away and you lose all your senses. But it’s okay, they say, because it will be rid of pain and agonizing sights that you would otherwise turn your eyes away.
Jiwon closed his eyes too, because he can’t stand the sight of Hanbin helplessly shaking his lifeless body, begging Jiwon to just stay.
(Jiwon could have opened his eyes and told Hanbin “I am here baby, it’s okay”; but he was too damn weak. So he closed his eyes too, and alongside Hanbin’s yells, please let this be a dream; Jiwon wished he too can wake up again with Hanbin by his side)
They say you got seven minutes. When you close your eyes and decide to let go, you got seven minutes to regret. All your memories, all your happiness will come floating back to you; all your reasons to stay alive and all the people who made you you will come by in your dreams. And then you see their tears, and then you see all your regrets, then everything you could have said or could have done but didn’t, and never would have the chance to anyway.
You got seven-minute worth of your twenty-something long life, seven minutes of what made you feel alive, so that you will smile, you will even laugh along; then you will cry, you will cry because there are still so many thing more that could have made onto that list if you just stay alive a little bit longer, because there are still so many many many thing more you want to see, because there is still someone out there who mourns oh so much because of you, the one who you promised will never make them cry. (Then you feel like punching yourself because not only did you break that promise, but that you will never even have the chance to say “I’m sorry”)
How ironic, you may think to yourself, that your last seven minutes are to remind you why you are alive; now that you will never have the chance to.
How agonizing, that the last thing you see before dying makes you want to live so badly.
They say, if you are lucky enough, (or unfortunate, depends on your definition), you can even see the future. Not a future where you can live, nor a future where you continue onwards to heaven and become an angel or move onto the next life; but the future that continues after you die, a future where you realize life does not circle around you, that it will keep moving forward without you, a future when you realize people, even your important ones, can live without you, just maybe with a bit more, (a lot more) pain. So that, they argue, at the end of your road, you will finally realize how much you means to the people who you cherish the most. So that you can happily pass away and knowing you are loved and cherished too.
Well, you thought, they have never been dead after all. It’s not like you can expect them to understand how painful it is to watch people cry for you and beg you to come back and wake up in the night screaming your name and cry. You don’t need to know how important you are to them if you can’t return.
They say you have seven minutes before death to see all the beautiful things in life.
All Jiwon sees is Hanbin.

They say after your seven minutes, you will be guided to the afterlife. That when your final moment on earth passed by, you will find yourself in a nice dream and your partner will guide you into the next life. The final step is simple, because all you need to do is take their hands and let them lead you to your paradise.
Jiwon found himself strolling aimlessly on the bank of Han River at the end of a peaceful afternoon, as the sun was setting and the wind was blowing ever softly through his hair.
Our first meeting, Jiwon thought.
So he started running, and running, towards a place he knew he would meet the other boy who was sitting idly on the side of the river, just scribbling down lyrics that flown to his mind and doodling down the dance move he had just thought of. As he ran forward, he found himself smiling because finally, finally he got to see Hanbin again, and that is all that matters now. True to his memory, there Hanbin was, with a notebook on his arm and a wide smile on his face, looking as if he has been waiting for Jiwon all this time.
(The one inaccurate thing though, is that Hanbin seems even more beautiful than he was before, if that is possible.)
Without a word, Jiwon ran to him; took Hanbin’s hand and linked it with his own; then leaned down to touch his forehead against Hanbin’s.
Then Hanbin said something along the line of hey, I miss you and I have been waiting; but honestly, Jiwon was too distracted by the sight of him to notice.
Hanbin looked up at Jiwon and whispered into his ear, let’s go.
So Jiwon let himself be guided by the scent of fresh grass bathed in sunshine and the warmth of Hanbin’s hands.
They had small talks on the way about mundane, stupid topics like they would every other day, be it about the weather or the new restaurant that opened, or the new assignment that the company had for them, or the bad joke that Yunhyeong digged up from somewhere 30 feet underground; and for one moment, just that short walk, Jiwon found himself fifteen again, full of dreams and hope about the bright future waiting for them all, full of promises and pinky swears because “that is how men do it” and so deeply in love.
But then before Jiwon noticed, they had already arrived at the station where he and Hanbin usually part to go separate ways. Not that this time they will not be parting, just that they will not see each other again.
So Jiwon hugged Hanbin and cried and held Hanbin tight because if he let go now he would never be able to reach Hanbin again.
Then he said “I love you” and “Please forgive me” and “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you” and “Can we stay together forever like this?”, but Hanbin told him it’s time to go and slip out of his arms one more time.
Hanbin took Jiwon’s hand and ever so carefully, he caresses it and planted a light kiss there.
The other times when Hanbin kiss him, he wants to say “I love you”.
This time, his heart whispered, “I love you, it’s time to say goodbye”
He kissed Jiwon one last time, then stepped on the train.
“Kimbab-ya, please don’t die. Stay for me”
Then Jiwon woke up again.

Wiping away his tears with his sleeves, Jiwon stood up and took a cup of water to drown away the sense of emptiness filling his stomach, threatening him to crash down to the floor again. “Maybe those pills weren’t enough” Jiwon thought to himself looking at the empty bottle that was once filled with sleeping pills.
“Must be either that these cheap medicines are not working to the best of ability, or my immune systems somehow has been able to blocked out the effects. Either way, not dying”
Jiwon thought bitterly of the thoughts, how he wished he was dead, not because he wanted to, but so that Hanbin would not be. How Jiwon wished he was the one crossing the street, that he was the one inside of the surgery room, that he was the one dying instead.
(So he did attempt to, drank out all the sleeping pills in one bottle and locked all his doors; and did almost die in doing so, hoping that if he does, then Hanbin wouldn’t have; or that they would be together somehow. But then Hanbin took his hands and hugged him and held him tight and kissed him and begged him to stay and Jiwon just couldn’t stand seeing Hanbin cry anymore.
Jiwon could have thrown his life away but then Hanbin saved his life even when he lost his own, and left Jiwon here waking up a sobbing mess again. )
So Jiwon thought he would cry for one more day only; that he would spend one more day only wishing that he was the one who died, wishing that time could turn back again, wishing that Hanbin would come by his side again; that he would pretend this was just a dream and go to bed again hoping that the next morning, Hanbin will be there by his side. And for one more day only, would Jiwon close himself away and hoping that if he never accept the reality then Hanbin will return to him, and let foolish hope guide him away from life.
And then Jiwon will live, to tell everyone how beautiful Hanbin is, to held Hanbin’s, his, their teammates and family in his hands and tell them “I’m here, it’s okay” and assure them “I will stay”, then wipe away their tears, because they can’t afford to lose family twice.
And then Jiwon will live, because Hanbin couldn’t.
And then Jiwon will live, because he wants to accomplish their dreams.
And then Jiwon will live, so that he can whisper to Hanbin, if Hanbin can see his future, that he can live without Hanbin, and it just so much more painful, and even though Jiwon shall never be okay, he wants to assure Hanbin that he would stay, because Hanbin would be upset otherwise.

They say Hanbin has seven minutes to regret, but they never tell Jiwon he has a lifetime to do so.