****

Why is it so hard for you

To properly see me trying?

****

 

When did this ever started?

 

Jihoon immediately averted his eyes the moment he heard their fans chanting for Seungcheol and Jeonghan to come up on stage. He tried making himself look busy by scrolling through his phone although there was really nothing to see. He should’ve expected this. He should’ve known this is coming. After all, who would’ve been able to resist shipping those two seeing their closeness?

 

“JEONGCHEOL! JEONGCHEOL! JEONGCHEOL!”

 

Seems like no matter how much Jihoon tried his best to divert his attention or block his ears from hearing everything, undoubtedly, people sometimes have the tendency to find ways to hurt themselves as he can’t deny the ache in his heart hearing those people cheering for his two hyungs.

 

The young composer closed his eyes while his hand automatically flew in front of his chest as he felt that excruciating ache…again. He heaved a deep sigh while he muttered words just to calm himself.

 

“Not now, Jihoon. Not now…”

 

Lee Jihoon couldn’t help but to look at Seungcheol and Jeonghan doing their usual scripted fan service in front while their fans couldn’t help but to coo and cheer for them. Yes, he knew this act is all for their fans. Yes, he knew everything is scripted. He knew but then again, he was the only one who knew the truth behind all of this.

 

He was the only one who knows about Seungcheol’s affection for his Jeonghan hyung.

 

Just like he was the only one who knew about his feelings for Seungcheol.

 

How ironic it might seem to be but just like the dependable and trusted best dongsaeng that he was, it was only him who knew how much Seungcheol likes Jeonghan. It was only him that Seungcheol confided about his feelings for Jeonghan. It was only him who knew that Seungcheol likes his angel-like hyung more than what meets the eye.

 

And having these kind of feelings for his hyung who seems to only look at one person is….YES.

 

PURE. SHEER. TORTURE.

 

Sometimes, Jihoon couldn’t help the urge but to ask Seungcheol. He was the one with him for the longest years, he was the one who was always beside him, he was the one who was always supporting Seungcheol as the leader of their team, he was the one who stayed when almost everyone left but why does he need to look at a different place? Why….just why won’t he even look at him?

 

Jihoon heaved a deep sigh as he felt that ache again that was bound to fill up his chest. He knew he couldn’t let this wait any longer if he doesn’t want everyone to know about this. But just how can he escape----

 

“Jihoon, we need to get you out immediately.”

 

“Ji---Jisoo hyung?!” Jihoon was surprised seeing Joshua by his side looking as frantic as he was, “Ho---how did you---”

 

Joshua just shrugged, “There’s another time for me to tell you that but what’s more important now is to get you out of here. Wait here, I’ll tell Bumzu hyung and the others.”

 

The composer could do nothing but to just nod. He watched as Joshua went to Bumzu and their managers to probably tell them some excuse. Fortunately, looks like they believed whatever Joshua said to them and nodded. He also watched as Joshua went to Soonyoung’s side to tell him of their situation. The other Seventeen members immediately looked at him with worry painted on their faces but he just smiled at them and nodded.

 

Joshua went back to his side and nudged him, “Jihoonie-ah, kaja?”

 

Jihoon could not help but to look at Seungcheol who was still busy doing the fan service with Jeonghan, “I---I need to…I need to tell Seungcheol hyu---”

 

Jihoon could not finish his sentence as Joshua disapprovingly shook his head at him, “And what are you going to tell him, Lee Jihoon?” silence enveloped the two as Joshua smiled and comfortingly tapped his head, “Bumzu hyung and the others will be the one to tell the situation to them. For now, let’s get you out of here first.”

 

The composer just nodded his head and followed Joshua and their bodyguards as they guided them on their way out. He was almost out of the venue and out of everyone’s eyes when he looked back at Seungcheol’s direction on stage.

 

“Hyung, just one glance…just one glance, please…”

 

But just like any other times, Seungcheol was too engrossed doing the fan service with Jeonghan that a thought of another soul hoping for him to even give him a glance from afar did not even crossed his mind.

 

And just like any other times, the ache in Jihoon’s heart seems to painfully made itself known as petals of yellow daffodils filled his heart.

 

****

I get shocked to see

How much I can hurt because of you

My days are a struggle

Even my dreams are painful

****

 

“Lee Jihoon, tell me the truth. When did this ever started? When did you knew that you have Hanahaki Disease, tell me!”Joshua frustratedly combed his hair while looking at the nonchalant composer in front of him.

 

It was an understatement to say that he was shocked to see Jihoon coughed flower petals as they were on their way out of the venue. Fortunately, it was only him who witnessed the situation. The composer begged him not to tell anyone in exchange that he’ll confess the whole situation to him. Joshua agreed the reason why they were now inside the privacy of Jihoon’s studio.

 

Joshua already noticed it before. He doesn’t know why, when or how but he seems to have a keen eye to notice that something was wrong with their little, fluffy composer even before. Seems like aside from people finding ways to inflict pain on themselves even more, we also have our ways to know who has the same situation like we are.

 

And Joshua noticed their silent composer just by merely looking at him from afar. He knew he was hurting just like him. He knew he was in the same pain like he was. He just didn’t know and he blames himself for not noticing that the composer was experiencing the same pain albeit a little more cruel than him.

 

Hanahaki Disease.

 

Hong Jisoo already read about it before. A fictional disease which originated in Japan born from unrequited love. Anyone who has it experiences the pain of not having your feelings for someone requited that it causes flowers to bloom on your chest. Lately, scientific studies proved the disease to be real although only 20% of people all around the world experiences it.  

 

Only 20% of people all around the world…

 

And it chooses Lee Jihoon.

 

And judging from the kind of flowers that Jihoon coughed, there’s no doubt that it sure is from unrequited love.

 

Yellow Daffodils.

 

“Hyung, please calm down.”

 

“How can I even calm down, huh? Don’t you know how much you got me worried earlier?!” Joshua was suddenly frozen before looking back at Jihoon, “And what---what if I didn’t notice you? What do you think will happen to you?!”

 

“I---I’ll cough?”

 

“Lee Jihoon, stop being sarcastic for now, damn it!”

 

Lee Jihoon could not help but to laugh looking at a frustrated Joshua in front of him. Sarcasm aside, it was actually refreshing to see this holy hyung lose his cool and even curse because of frustration. He knew he was only worried about him and he could not help but to be touched by that.

 

“And you even have the nerve to laugh at me?! AISH! What am I going to do with you?!” Jisoo face palmed as he sat on the studio’s mini couch feeling the frustration getting the best of him.

 

Jihoon just smiled, “Mianhae, hyung. It was just refreshing to see you like that.” he ignored the glares sent his way, “but don’t worry about me anymore. I---I can handle this. I believe I can. It’s just temporary, right? I’ll get used to this.”

 

“Get used to it? Or get used to the pain?”

 

“Hyung…”

 

“It was Seungcheol, right?”

 

The moment Jihoon averted his eyes at the older, Joshua already knew the answer.

 

“When did this ever started?”

 

The raven-haired boy sighed as he find his answers to the older, “I guess ever since before? You’re aware we were the closest during pre debut days. We also lived in the same dorm and watched everything change in a blink of an eye. I saw how disappointed he felt when he didn’t got to debut together with NUEST sunbae-nims.”

 

“The reason why you opted him to be Seventeen’s leader even though CEO-nim wanted you to be the one?”

 

Jihoon was taken aback for a moment because he was quite assured no one knew about that, “H---How did you know?”

 

Joshua calmly shrugged, “All of us knew about it even Seungcheol. You might not have noticed it but you are quite transparent, Jihoonie, once people got to know you better.”

 

The composer just hummed as a response.

 

“So, if you two were the closest, why---just why, scratch that, HOW did Seungcheol fell for Jeonghan?”

 

Jihoon just gave him a sad smile, “You knew about it. You knew about the time we started to drift apart.”

 

“The confession?” Joshua asked trying to make sure.

 

The composer nodded, “I don’t know but ever since then, I started to notice that we have been slowly drifting apart. It was like we were starting to become strangers to each other. The next thing I knew, everything already changed and seems like the past was nothing but a memory. A painful memory.”

 

“But the both of you were starting to rebuild that closeness nowadays…”

 

“Still, it was too late. Seungcheol hyung already fell for Jeonghan hyung and the next thing I know, my chest started to ache like it has never been before and poof! I started coughing yellow daffodils out of nowhere.” The younger told Joshua as if nothing was wrong.

 

Hong Jisoo could not help but to be a lot more frustrated at his stubborn dongsaeng, “Lee Jihoon, for once, let’s be serious about this. Both of us knew how fatal that Hanahaki Disease can be. For now, yes. It might be as mere as just having a bad case of cough but later on, you’ll have to do something about it.”

 

“What something are you talking about here?”

 

“You need to take the operation.”

 

The raven haired composer was stunned for a moment before a sad smile crossed his pinkish lips, “I know and I will.”

 

“That’s goo-----”

 

“But hyung, let me…let me just cherish this moments with him, huh? Let me…let me just build my courage to confess everything to him before the operation. I…I wanted to tell Seungcheol hyung about this even though I already know what might happen---what his answer might be. I…I just don’t want to start forgetting everything with words still left unsaid.”

 

Joshua was about to argue but he knew he must be the one to understand Jihoon’s situation more than anyone else. So the soft-spoken boy could not help but nod. After all, he was in the same complicated situation the composer was.

 

“Okay…but promise me, I’m the first one you would tell about once everything is already out of control, arasseo?”

 

The composer smiled, “Ne, arasseo.”

 

“Good.”

 

Lee Jihoon then teasingly smiled at Joshua causing the said guy to feel goosebumps, “Ya--YAH! Why are you looking at me like that?!”

 

“So Shua hyung, it’s your turn to tell me. When did you realize you’ve already fallen for Jeonghan hyung?”

 

“YAH, LEE JIHOON!”

 

That night, unconsciously, tears started streaming their way down on the composer’s eyes as more petals started to fill up his whole studio.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

****

If it was you, how would it be?

If these crazy days

Became yours?

****

 

“Jihoonie-ah~!”

 

The raven haired composer was startled upon hearing Seungcheol’s girly scream calling out for his name. He could not help but to think for the nth time on why…just why did he ever had to fall for this childish hyung?! WHY?!

 

Joshua waved his goodbye at him and walked towards Mingyu, Wonwoo, Seungkwan and Jeonghan’s direction no matter how much the younger begged for him to not leave him alone with Seungcheol. They were currently inside their studio waiting for the Performance Unit lead by Hoshi to teach them their new dance cheoreography.

 

“Aish, I should’ve just helped Hoshi with the cheoreo~” Jihoon muttered to himself. If only he was not sleep deprived, he would’ve helped them with the cheoreography.

 

Seungcheol giddily, almost like a child, settled himself beside Jihoon and nestled his head on the smaller’s shoulder no matter how much uncomfortable it may seem. Jihoon was trying to shrug him but to no avail so he just tried to ignored the fast beating of his heart caused by their closeness.

 

“Yah, Jihoonie-ah…”

 

Jihoon just hummed as a response.

 

“I know you must have been already tired listening to me rant about this again and again, but it’s only you that I can share this with…”

 

Looking at Seungcheol’s usual gummy smile and the bright aura surrounding him, Jihoon already had a clue on what the older wanted to tell him about. Seungcheol and his great love for Jeonghan. And Jihoon suddenly had the urge to burst out his anger to Seungcheol. He suddenly had the urge to just snap him off. To tell him off to stop hurting his feelings, to stop hurting him.

 

But just how…just how can he have the heart to wipe that smile off from his face?

 

And so like any other times, Jihoon just kept everything to himself.

 

The younger just rolled his eyes, “As if I have any choice, right? What’s about it this time?”

 

And Jihoon knew he did the right thing when he saw the wide smile from Seungcheol, “Jihoonie-ah, promise me, no matter what, you won’t regard me as being uhmmm----as being ert, huh?”

 

“You already are.”

 

“YAH! JIHOONIE!”

 

Jihoon just heaved a deep sigh, “Just get straight to the point already, hyung! Aish!”

 

Seungcheol could not help himself but to pinch the younger’s cheeks. Jihoon was just too fluffy and cute when annoyed, “Yah, why are you sooooooo cute, Jihoonie!”

 

“I’m not cute!”

 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re y that is.” Seungcheol whispered, “---and cute, fluffy and cute!”

 

“I heard that!”

 

Seuncheol just laughed at the younger’s outburst. He really could not help but wonder why Jihoon’s so mad about people telling him he’s cute when he’s the actual epitome of cuteness itself. Well, more on the savage side of cuteness though, if such a side exists.

 

“Yah, hyung. I thought you have something to tell me?”

 

The taller has his infamous wide gummy smile again upon remembering the thing he is supposed to be telling Jihoon, “Yeah, yeah! Do you know fans ship me with Jeonghan and when I say, SHIP, we even have fan fictions posted online!”

 

“YOU READ FANFICS?! Aish, this byuntae hyung~”

 

“Jihoonie!” Seungcheol almost scandalously yelled at him, “But anyways, it’s something to tell, right? I mean, they are already seeing the chemistry between us. I just thought that maybe…just maybe…it’s high time that I already confess to Jeonghan?”

 

Jihoon vehemently tried to ignore the ache that was starting to build on his chest. Seems like pain has its own ways of making itself known, like what they say in the books, as he looks at Seungcheol’s glowing and hopeful eyes. Those eyes the composer has long been wanting to notice him…to even just spare him a glance, those eyes that also seems to look at only one person.

 

The composer closed his eyes as he tries to calm the pain inside his chest, the pain that is starting to make itself known again for the nth time. Just how or what is he supposed to answer Seungcheol?

 

Cheol hyung, if you were me, what are you going to say?     

 

Jihoon could not help but to think. What if Seungcheol was the one in his situation? What if Seungcheol was the one who is feeling this pain? What if Seungcheol was the one who is in his shoes? Would he already confess to him everything or would he try to endure everything and keep it to himself like the way Jihoon is doing?

 

The younger laughed mentally at himself.

 

As if it could really happen, then everything might not be as complicated as this.

 

So just like any other times, just like what the composer knew he is supposed to be doing, Jihoon gave Seungcheol a warm smile and encouraging words that slowly pierced through his heart.

 

“If---if you feel like it, if your heart tells you then I say, go for it, hyung! You know I’ll always be supporting behind your back!”

 

The composer did not know if his mind is playing tricks on him but he thought he saw some shade of pain flicker across Seungcheol’s eyes. Jihoon thought it was just his imagination as he again saw the glowing glint in the older’s eyes as a wide smile slowly make its way on his face.

 

“KAMSAHAMNIDA, JIHOONIE! I KNOW I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU!” the older gleefully hugged Jihoon.

 

Jihoon tried to stop the cough that was starting to build on his chest and the tears that was starting to fall from his eyes

 

****  

If you break down as much as me

Will you know?

All the pain that fills me

To the point where my heart is

About to explode

How much I want you?

****

 

Jihoon silently peeked outside his studio to see Joshua explaining to the whole group why he suddenly wanted to exchange rooms with Jeonghan. He knew it was a sudden decision on his part but it was inevitable as his cough couldn’t seem to stop. He couldn’t make it even more worse by staying another night in the same room with Seungcheol.

 

“You all know how much Jihoon doesn’t want you guys to worry about him too much especially you, Seungcheol. So please, just this once, let’s just follow what he wants, okay?”

 

He could see the frustration in Seungcheol, “But this only makes me worry about him even more! I mean, out of all of us, it was me who already saw Jihoonie on his worst state so what’s the difference this time?”

 

The difference?, Jihoon sadly smiled, I fell for you, idiot. And this stupid feelings are getting the best out of me.

 

The raven haired composer knew Joshua almost wanted to answer Seungcheol based on the tight grip of the older on his knuckles but stopped himself for his sake.

 

Joshua frustratedly closed his eyes and tried to calm his self, “Seungcheol, let’s just follow what Jihoon wants this time, please?”

 

Jihoon immediately closed the door when he saw Seungcheol looking at his way. He heard the older heaved a deep sigh as he answered.

 

“Fine, fine! But just this once, arasseo?” Seungcheol paused for a while, “And Joshua, please…please take care of him?”

 

Joshua patted their leader’s shoulder, “You can count on me.”

 

Jihoon could only do nothing but sit behind the door as tears started to flow on his eyes. He felt his chest ache again causing him to cough and fill the whole room again with petals of yellow daffodils.

 

The whole room he is supposed to be sharing with Seungcheol is now filled with petals of the bright and beautiful flower. The younger smiled sadly. How can something so beautiful hold so much pain?

 

And as if answering his question, he coughed for the nth time filling the room with even more petals.

 

****

If I was you,

I would just love me

****

 

In the middle of the night, unbeknownst to Jihoon and the rest of the group, someone sneaked in inside his and Joshua’s shared room and gave the composer a peck on the forehead before letting himself out of the room again.

 

Immediately, Jihoon coughed again but this time, instead of yellow petals, petals of white chrysanthemums fell on the floor.

 

****

My heart is endlessly down in the ground

I’m afraid of everything that surrounds me

****

 

Anyone could notice it. Even if you weren’t on the same group with them or you’re just a fan or a bystander, anyone could notice the growing tension between the four namely, Jihoon, Joshua, Seungcheol and Jeonghan. The rest of Seventeen knew something was wrong with their hyungs but they could only guess. None of them knew the real reason behind and no one would even dare to know.

 

“Is it only me or is Jihoon hyung and Shua hyung getting really close nowadays?” Boo Seungkwan suddenly asked the rest of their members while they were waiting for their turn for recording.

 

Lee Seokmin decided to in, “Yeah, we all noticed that too. I mean, they were close alright but not this close. I mean, it was like they were already glued to each other! And that was really saying something knowing Jihoon hyung’s aversion to skin shipping and closeness!”

 

Hoshi nodded his head, “Me and Jihoon are close, yes. I can’t really point this out but there’s something with his and Shua hyung’s closeness. It was like they have their own small world to themselves that anyone wasn’t allowed to cross.”

 

“All I know is that I am starting to ship 2Ji or JiJi~ hihihi!” Jeon Wonwoo giddily butted in on his full fanboy mode.

 

Mingyu rolled his eyes, “JiCheol is still the best, Wonu-ah! JiCheol is real! JiCheol is forever!”

 

The other Sevneteen members could just face palm listening to the bickering of the Meanie couple.

 

They were not aware that two souls are unconsciously listening to their conversation.

 

~~~~♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫~~~~

 

“Sunbae-nims! Annyeonghaseyo!”

 

Seventeen immediately bowed after seeing their EXO sunbae-nims in front of them. They were currently back stage waiting for MAMA to start. EXO humbly greeted back the group.

 

“Woozi-shi, annyeong!”

 

Jihoon widely smiled at Park Chanyeol who greeted him, “Hyung-nim, annyeong!”

 

“Ahhhh, I already told you to just call me hyung! This kid, tsk tsk!”

 

Jihoon shyly rubbed his nape, “Mianhae, Chanyeol hyung.”

 

The tall rapper just gave him a toothy smile (which kinda reminded him of someone), “That’s better!”

 

Suho diverted his attention to the young group, “We’ll definitely be looking forward to your performance. Let’s all do our best, arasseo? Hwaiting!”

 

“Kamsa, sunbae-nim! EXO, hwaiting! Seventeen, hwaiting!” Seungcheol cheered along with the rest of Seventeen.

 

“Anyway, we have to go ahead. We bet our coordi-noonas are already frustrated looking for us! HAHAHA! Don’t imitate us, arasseo?” Chen jokingly said to Seventeen causing the whole group to laugh.

 

Wen Junhui suddenly decided to asked, “Sunbae-nims, mianhae. But we are all wondering if you knew who is the mystery host everyone is talking about?”

 

Baekhyun suddenly gulped before answering, “Da---Dara Park sunbae-nim.”

 

Jihoon immediately glanced at Chanyeol to see his reaction but to his surprise, he can only see a blank and confused face staring at them. What----What exactly is going on?! Jihoon could not help to ask himself. He knew how much his Chanyeol hyung likes Dara sunbae-nim to the point that he was also infected with the Hanahaki Disease. He even remembers visiting the older’s studio to help him compose a song for Dara sunbae-nim.

 

So, what exactly happened?! Why does Chanyeol suddenly acts like he doesn’t even know who Dara is?

 

The composer suddenly automatically land his palm on his mouth upon realizing what  exactly happened.     

 

“We better get going. See you around, guys!” Xiumin tried to avert the topic. Seventeen humbly gave their encouragement to their sunbaes before showing them the way out.

 

The raven haired composer could not help but to be curious so he immediately ran after the group. Good thing they were only half on their way out. Jihoon immediately nudged Baekhyun’s hand, “Su---sunbae nim…”

 

“Oh, Woozi-shi?! What’s the rush about?”

 

“Tell me the truth, I am begging you.”

 

“What truth?”

 

“Did…Did Chanyeol hyung took the operation?”

 

Jihoon could see the hesitance cross Baekhyun’s face, “Don’t worry, sunbae-nim. Chanyeol hyung already told me about it. Unfortunately, I…I am also in the current situation like him.”

 

It was an understatement to say Baekhyun was taken aback, “You…You also have Hanahaki disease?” Jihoon nodded. Baekhyun contemplated for a while before nodding his head, “He initially doesn’t want to do it but it has already gotten to the point where we have no choice but to do the operation if we still wanted him to live.”

 

The older sighed, “The pain was just too much for him. You must know how it feels, Woozi-shi, if you are also infected with it.” Baekhyun sadly patted the younger’s shoulder, “Just an advice. Take the operation as soon as possible. No matter how much painful it may be, just take it. Just take it before it was already too late.” with that, Baekhyun turned his back on Jihoon.

 

The composer was left frozen replaying Baekhyun’s word again and again on his mind. Was is that much painful that the only choice you have is to give up? Was it that much painful that forgetting is the only option left?

 

Was it?

 

Jihoon was suddenly broken from his reverie of thoughts when he felt a hand nudged on his arm. His eyes suddenly widened when he turned around to see the owner of the hand.

 

“Seungcheol hyung?!”

 

****

They say you’ll be happy when you fall in love

Who said that?

Because I only know a love

That looks at you from behind

****

 

“Jihoonie-ah…”

 

The composer tried not to notice the sadness that was painted on the older’s face. Seungcheol held on his arm tightly as if he would escape once he lets go of him.

 

“Hyu---Hyung, what’s wrong?” Jihoon was aware it was the wrong question to ask. Of course, everything was wrong. But what else could he tell him?

 

“Jihoonie-ah, why…why are you distancing yourself from me again?” Seungcheol asked, “I---I thought everything was already fine between us. I thought we’ve already cleared everything but why…why are you distancing yourself again?”

 

The younger tried to avoid the question, “H--Huh? What are you talking about, hyung?! It was just that I have been too busy lately, you know, composing songs for our new album and then those other compositions I need to work on for other artists. You must be the one who knew how hectic our schedule is nowadays.”

 

“But still that’s not enough reason for you to ignore me…or distance yourself from me.” Jihoon could not help but notice the evident pain in Seungcheol’s voice.

 

“Hyung…”

 

“And besides if that’s the point, why…why do you still have time for Jisoo, then?”

 

The composer tried his best to stop the growing hope in his chest after hearing those from Seungcheol. He could not help but to hope that maybe…just maybe, Seungcheol was even a bit jealous about them. He was aware it was just his imagination working on him but he could not help but hold to that little tinge of hope if ever that may even exist.

 

But again, he got his hopes up too high only to see them all crushing down before him.

 

“I…I have no one to confide my feelings for Jeonghan. I was about to tell you that I finally got the courage to confess to Jeonghan but then suddenly you distanced yourself from me.”

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jihoon heard something crashed inside him.

 

It was like the last thread that he was holding on to stop everything from exploding finally broke and all he can do is watch everything go down.

 

“I didn’t knew you were that much naive, Seungcheol hyung.”

 

“H---Huh? Wha---what are you talking about, Jihoonie?” confusion was painted on the older’s face.

 

The composer looked directly at Seungcheol as he finally---finally lets his tears freely flow from his eyes and be evident to the older, “YAH---YAH, JIHOONIE-AH! WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY CRYING?! JIHOONIE, ARE YOU HURTING SOMEWHERE?! TELL HYUNG! WA--WAIT, I’LL CALL BUMZU HYUNG AND THE OTHERS----”

 

Jihoon tapped his chest hardly, “Hyung, it...hurts…Hyung, it hurts so much…”

 

“Yah, Jihoonie! You’re making me worried here! Why does your chest hurts?!”

 

“Seungcheol hyung, Choi Seungcheol hyung, I love you.”

 

The taller’s eyes suddenly widened at the younger’s sudden confession. Jihoon likes---scratch that, LOVES him?! Seungcheol shook his head.

 

“Ya--Yah, Jihoonie, I would expect that, of course! I am your hyung!”

 

The composer shook his head as tears continue to flow from his eyes, “Seungcheol hyung, I love you. I love you so much it hurts. Hyung, please…please…help me...” Jihoon begged Seungcheol as the excruciating ache in his chest started to ache even more.

 

But Seungcheol did nothing but to be frozen. He---He’s only dreaming, right? Yeah. Maybe…maybe he was just having a dream and next thing he knew, he’ll wake up in his bed facing Jihoonie’s cute sleeping face. Yeah. That was it. He was just dreaming.

 

HE. MUST. BE. DREAMING.

 

“Hyung…”

 

Seungcheol shook his head, “An---aniyo, I am just dreaming. Tell me, I am just dreaming, Jihoonie! Tell me!”

 

But the answer that came out from the composer’s mouth was far from what he expected it to be.

 

“Was my feelings that hard for you to accept you chose not to believe it instead?”

 

Seungcheol was so confused about everything that he just chose to ran away.

 

To ran away like the usual coward he really was.

 

What Seungcheol failed to see is how Jihoon’s tears fall freely as he watch him turn his back on him and how the younger fell unconsciously to the ground with petals of yellow daffodils and a tinge of blood and thorns scattered pitifully around him.

 

****

If it was you, how would it be?

If these crazy days

Became yours?

****

 

Jihoon just gave Seungkwan a sad smile and their maknae, Dino, a gentle tap as he watched the two crying his heart out to him. The rest of the Seventeen weren’t much better as some were trying their best to stop their tears from falling.

 

“Yah, why do you all look like I’m already buried 6 feet below the ground?!” Jihoon tried to lift everyone’s mood but it seems like the opposite has happened as Dino and Seungkwan even cried louder this time.

 

Hoshi couldn’t help but to finally burst his frustration at the composer, “YAH, JIHOONIE-AH! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HIDE THIS TO ALL OF US?! DON’T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SITUATION?! YAH!”

 

Jihoon glanced at Joshua’s way asking for some help but seems like the older was still disappointed at him. He just heaved a deep sigh. This is what he was trying to avoid. This is what keeps him from telling his situation to the rest of the group. He doesn’t want them to worry about him, more likely, he doesn’t want them to pity him.

 

The composer just found himself inside this closed white painted four-walled room in the hospital after waking up. He learned from Junhui and Minghao (who luckily were the only persons who has the decency to talk to him) that they all saw him unconsciously at the ground as yellow petals along with blood and thorns surround him. Their performance at MAMA was canceled and they all immediately rushed him to the nearest hospital.

Jihoon chose to look away, “I just don’t want you all to worry about me.”

 

“YAH, JIHOON HYUNG! TELL US NOW HOW CAN WE NOT WORRY ABOUT YOU SEEING YOU IN THIS STATE, HUH?!” Mingyu yelled crying at Jihoon as Wonwoo was trying his best to stop the taller from his outburst. He could not blame him, though. It all scared the fck out of them when they saw their tsundere hyung lying helplessly on the ground.

 

Jihoon chose to be silent. He knew s are just worried about him.

 

“Hyung, this---this Hanahaki Disease, is there..is there any way to cure it?” Vernon suddenly asked.

 

Joshua chose to answer him, “There is. There is an operation to take out the flower seed from his chest. The only downside of the operation, Jihoon will forget about everything. More likely, he’ll forget how to love or even the fact that love do exist.”

 

Seokmin frustratedly combed his hair, “This is all Seungcheol hyung’s fault!”

 

Jihoon warmly smiled at their main vocal, “Aniyo, Seok. It was all my fault. It was my fault falling for him.” he directed his attention to the deep blue sky outside his window, “But I certainly have no regrets about this. I can’t even call it as a mistake. For me, even though it has only brought me nothing but pain, falling for hyung was one of the best things that happened to me.”

 

“But Jihoon you know it’s time to end this, right?”

 

The composer let his tears fall as he nod at Joshua, “I---I know, hyung.”

 

Joshua gently tapped the smaller’s head, “Remember, we are always just behind you.”

 

For the nth time, Lee Jihoon’s room was filled with sad sobs even one who simply passes by couldn’t help but to just cry along.

 

****

If you break down as much as me

Will you know?

All the pain that fills me

To the point where my heart is

About to explode

How much I want you?

****

 

The night before the operation, Jihoon asked the rest of Seventeen to let him sleep alone in his room. Almost everyone argued but it was Joshua and Hoshi who told them that he needed this. He seriously needed this.

 

He was silently looking at the lonely moon shining alone in the vast midnight sky. The raven haired boy could not help but to wonder. Will he be like the moon after the operation? Will he be like the moon on the popular folktale who chose to die every night to let the sun live? Will he be like the moon feeling like nothing at all after the operation?

 

Joshua words replayed on his mind like a broken record.   

 

“More likely, he’ll forget how to love or even the fact that love do exist”

 

Will he really be able to live without these feelings?

 

Can he really bear the thought of not standing beside Seungcheol’s side anymore?

 

Was forgetting the only option left to no longer feel this pain?

 

More questions one after another bombarded Jihoon’s head but seems like he can’t find a single answer to any of them. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to burden the rest of Seventeen anymore. He doesn’t want to see those crying and worried faces ever again.

 

The composer was cut from his reverie of thoughts when he heard some shuffling behind his door. Judging from the erratic beat of his heart, Jihoon has a clue who the person is behind that door. A sad smile painted on his face as he watched the door knob suddenly turned.

 

“WAIT, DON’T!” Jihoon suddenly yelled which caused the knob to stop from turning.

 

“Seungcheol hyung, can…can you just listen to me from out there?”

 

Silence enveloped them which Jihoon took this as a sign to continue.

 

“Seungcheol hyung, mianhae. Mianhae for making you and the rest of Seventeen worried this so much about me. Mianhae for keeping this to you and mianhae for burdening you with this stupid feelings.”

 

Jihoon let his tears fall freely, “Seungcheol hyung, I just wanted to thank you for everything. Thank you for being the best hyung anyone can ever have! Thank you for making me laugh when no one can, thank you for tolerating my moods, thank you for always, always understanding me, thank you for making everything a lot easier, thank you for letting me stand by your side always.”

 

“Seungcheol hyung, you no longer have to worry about this dongsaeng anymore, arasseo? After the operation, everything will be back to normal the way it should’ve been in the first place before this pathetic feelings got in the way.”

 

Jihoon clutched his chest as he felt the pain starting to build again. He wiped his tears as he continued, “I…I hope all the best for you and Jeonghan hyung. I already heard from the others. Congratulations for finally getting Jeonghan hyung! You know I only wanted the best for you, ne?”

 

Petals of yellow daffodils started to occupy the room as Jihoon could almost taste something rustic oozing from his mouth. He realized it was blood then remembered the others telling him that there are blood and thorns scattered around him along with the petals that withered almost immediately.

 

Silence enveloped the two as petals, thorns, blood and painful tears continue to occupy Jihoon’s room almost causing the younger to faint.

 

The composer closed his eyes as he asked the question he wanted to ask Seungcheol ever since that day.

 

****

I know you already answered me

I know the meaning of an answerless answer.

But I pretend not to know and I’m lingering

****

 

“Was…was my feelings really burden you that much you chose not to believe in it instead?”

 

When Jihoon heard nothing but silence, he knew. He just knew he should’ve not asked it if he already knew the older’s answer in the first place.

 

He heard more shuffling outside the door and footsteps away from the room.

 

Jihoon sadly smiled as he whispered, “Annyeong, Seungcheol hyung, annyeong…”

 

****

Do you know how I’m doing these days?

I can’t even fall asleep

I can’t even swallow anything

****  

 

“Choi Seungcheol, you are one big pathetic human being!” Yoon Jeonghan frustratedly yelled at Seungcheol while trying to stop the older from drowning his self in soju. They were currently at their dorm drinking theirselves to death, “Tell me, why am I even friends with you again?! AISH! YAH, stop that!”

 

Seungcheol drunkly swatted away Jeonghan’s hand and drank straight from the bottle of soju he was holding, “I beg you, Jeonghannie. I beg you. Please just let me. Let me just drown this time. Let me just forget everything even just for this once.”

 

Jeonghan shook his head, “Including Jihoon?”

 

The older wiped his tears the moment it started to fall from his eyes, “Mostly Jihoonie.”

 

The now short haired young man disapprovingly looked at Seungcheol, “I really can’t understand what’s going on with that head of yours, Cheol. You asked me to pretend to be sweet with you so you can catch Jihoon’s attention and most probably, make him jealous so you can finally confess your undying love for him la la la~ and when you finally learned that he’s in love with you, you just cowardly ran away?! Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

 

“I KNOW! I KNOW I AM DUMB, STUPID AND PATHETIC ALL ROLLED INTO ONE! I already know about that, Yoon Jeonghan! No need to slap it to my face even more!”

 

“Good riddance, you know! So what’s all this drama about huh!?”

 

The main rapper just focused his eyes on his drink, “I don’t feel like I am worthy enough for him.”

 

“WHAT THE-----WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” Jeonghan almost stopped himself from punching the daylights out of Seungcheol.

 

Seungcheol drank his soju in one gulp, “After everything that has happened, after all my stupidity in trying to get his attention, after bringing him into this situation, do you really think I am still worthy for Jihoon? Do you really think I can live with the fact that I was the one who caused this so much pain to Jihoonie?!”

 

Seungcheol was startled when he suddenly found his back lying on the floor with blood oozing freely on the side of his mouth. Yoon Jeonghan wasn’t able to control himself this time and punched the older with all his might.

 

“Jeo----Jeonghan…”

 

“You think you’re not worthy for Jihoon, then why don’t you make yourself worthy for him instead of wasting your time self-pitying over here?! Don’t you even realize that after all the stupidity, after everything you’ve done, Jihoon still loves you?! If you still hadn’t realized it, then that punch is to wake you up, idiot! Instead of feeling guilty, why don’t you turn that into something that will drive you to make yourself worthy enough to stand by Jihoon’s side?! It’s time to wake up, Choi Seungcheol! Wake up before everything is too late!” Jeonghan finally exploded his outburst to Seungcheol.

 

The latter was immediately confused, “What----What do you mean?!”

 

Jeonghan sighed, “Joshua told me about it. After the operation, after the seeds of Hanahaki Disease which grew inside Jihoon’s heart was finally put out, he’ll forget everything. Everything including the fact that he loves you or that love even exists.”

 

Seungcheol was suudenly frozen as he suddenly felt his world shattered into pieces. He let his tears fall as he turned his attention to Jeonghan, “That----that’s why he said something to me about forgetting. Damn! Why haven’t I noticed it before?!” Seungcheol punched the cold floor, “Jeonghan, when---when is Jihoon’s operation?”

 

“Huh? If I’m not mistaken, it’s scheduled…”Jeonghan’s eyes widened as he looked at the words written on his wristwatch, “…to---today at around 4:00PM.”

 

Seungcheol’s eyes suddenly widened as he got back up on his feet and ran to the door as fast as he can.

 

“Jihoonie, please wait for hyung….I’m begging you, wait for hyung.”

 

****

Do you know that I’m becoming more ruined

As I look at you?

I feel like dying

Even though there’s no way,

You’ll come to me

Even though I know you’re looking

somewhere else

****

 

The rest of Seventeen held Jihoon’s hand while they watch the team of doctors and nurses move his operating bed inside the intensive care unit. Jihoon answered them weakly with a smile.

 

“Jihoon, after this, everything will finally be okay, arasseo?”

 

Jihoon nodded at Joshua, “Ne, hyung.”

 

“Hyung, I promise, I’ll treat you with lots of cola once the operation was done!” Seungkwan in earning a nudge from both Hoshi and Seokmin.

 

“Jihoonie’s not allowed to drink cola after the operation, idiot!”

 

“YAH!”

 

JIhoon could just laugh at s, “I’ll keep your word on that, Seungkwannie.”

 

Seungkwan widely beamed at him, “I promise, hyung!”

 

“Sorry but it’s already time for the patient to go inside. We’ll inform all of you immediately once the operation was done.” the head doctor told the group as the nurses moved Jihoon inside the ICU and closed the doors.

 

It was in the middle of the operation when Jihoon thought he heard Seungcheol screaming out for his name begging him to stop the operation but he knew his mind was just playing tricks on him.

 

And so he closed his eyes and let his tears fall from his eyes.

 

~~~~♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫~~~~

 

“Seu---Seungcheol hyung…”

 

The rest of Seventeen didn’t know how to react or what to say upon seeing Seungcheol cry and beg outside the ICU to stop Jihoon’s operation. But even they all knew, it was already too late.

 

He was already too late.

 

Seungcheol felt all the energy drained out of him as the light on top of the ICU doors changed from red to green signaling that the operation has already ended. With all the energy left of him, he tried his best to stand up and ignored the help from s. Crying and sobbing like a child, he found his way out of the hospital and walked mindlessly.

 

It was over. Everything was over.

 

Seungcheol suddenly bumped into someone but didn’t mind it as he make his way to the hospital grandiose garden and cried his heart out. How can he be too late?! Why is the timing always so wrong for him?!

 

Suddenly, Seungcheol felt an unbearable pain in his chest. He immediately clutched it as he coughs almost violently. Seungcheol’s eyes could only widen at the familiar sight that welcomed him.

 

Petals of white chrysanthemums were all scattered on the floor.

 

The blond-haired could only laugh ironically at his situation. Now what?! Is this fate playing tricks on him?!

 

Seungcheol was so busy laughing and crying at his situation he failed to see someone kneeled right in front of him and took his hands. It was only then that he looked up only for his eyes to widen to see that the person in front of him is none other than Sandara Park.

 

“Su--sunbae-nim…”

 

“Don’t worry yourself too much, young one. Just like we were, you are destined to be together. Believe that. Do not ever let go and hold on. For the red thread of fate cannot be broken no matter how hard the circumstances might be…”as she finished her sentence, Dara just left the younger one frozen.

 

Red Thread of Fate, huh?

 

Seungcheol suddenly felt the determination and ounce of hope starting to build up on him. Yes, he won’t ever let go. He’ll be the one to fight for Jihoon and him this time. He’ll fight for their happy ending this time.

 

I won’t let go, Jihoon. I’ll never let go of you. Ever.

 

****

I don’t think I can let go of you.

****

 

-FIN-