Mid October 2017

“nan neol saranghae
mitji anhgessjiman
nan neol ijeoboryeo haesseo
neon naega silhgessjiman
nan neol tto kkeonae bwa
ijen naega neoreul gidaryeo”

(I Wish You Would - Yoon hyun Sang)

She sat near the window. It’s raining again as she looked at the dark sky. The song echoed around the room. She felt like she didn’t want to do anything. She sighed suddenly, realizing that few days ago she’s in Busan. Hearing the word Busan seems exhausting these days. She supposed to visit his parents but knowing that the in law was in Seoul, she decided to stay in her hotel.  

She remembered the day her boyfriend came to her hotel, hugging her so tight. He then sang a song for her, a song that he posted on his SNS a day later. They argued again in the morning, and he decided to go back to Seoul to prevent any madness. She still couldn’t forgive him. She needed space and time and hope he’d understand. Once again she sighed loudly. Why it feels so hard to be in love?

He did mistakes she knew that.  As she remembered how they broke up in the late 2013. When he bought his apartment to be occupied by them, their love nest, he said. It made her smile wryly. The time when they didn’t have to think about anything, except falling in love. The good old days. Suddenly, something popped up in her head. He made her disappointed again.

September 30th, she remembered, when this thing started. She just came back from Jakarta for her CF event. She looked fine though, because in the night he called her. He felt overjoyed because he had a concert in Taipei if she could assume. But in the morning, he put his flirty comment on someone’s ig, his on screen partner. The problem is everyone knows about him and that girl, but how about their relationship? No one knew except their close friends and colleagues.  So, she felt so disappointed. She knew that he really is a sociable guy and he didn’t mean it but could he just make it easier for her to breathe? People will talk and she hates it. Some fans would over joy, some would be disappointed. And she felt so disappointed of what he did.  

So she decided to make herself busy. She didn’t let him contact her. He loathed it so much when she cannot be reached. But she needed time to accept. Her manager helped her to not accept his calls. Until one day, in the beginning of October, she decided to visit him in his apartment. She drove her car to there with her manager. She said her manager to wait and she went up to his house. She pushed the button and someone with the white t-shirt appeared, looking thinner because of his job. She tried to give him a smile but he grabbed her wrist and put her inside the room. He hugged her tight, “You know I hate it when you’re hard to be reached, Yoona”. She hugged him back, smelling her favorite scent.

“I miss you”, he said.

She replied, “I miss you too, Jonghyun”, as she released her hug and tried so hard to endure the tears.

He motioned her on the couch.

“I came to your house, dorm, and called your manager but you are so busy”, he grabbed a glass of juice for her. Yoona took a sip, “I know I have schedules abroad”, with a forced smile. He stared at her and made his body closer. She suddenly felt nervous. He leaned his body closer but she pushed his chest softly. She didn’t feel like to kiss him actually. Instead, he ruffled her hair. She really wanted to cry if she could. But she couldn’t. She didn’t want him to see her crying.

“About those words on her instagram, I’m sorry”, he said weakly. Those words she hates the most, the cruelest words from her lover. She actually didn’t like to hear it. “I didn’t mean like that. I’m sorry”, he explained. She looked at his eyes, slowly her hands cupped his face. She put her forehead on his, closing her eyes. “I hurt you again, right?”, Yoona heard his voice clearly, but she’s just too disappointed and mad at him. And why she cannot scream her lungs out? Why he had to do that?

She felt his hands cupped hers too. “Tell me whether you’re upset or not. Just don’t be quiet, I’m begging you”, as he released hers.

“You know I am out of words. I know you were just overjoyed. But I guess we need a time to…”

“No.”, he cut her words, “No. I don’t want to break up with you”. Almost yelling. His gaze really could kill her.

“I..”

“I love you. I just didn’t mean to hurt you”, he said. BUT YOU HURT ME SO BAD! She really wanted to scream those words but she couldn’t. But she grabbed his hands and held them, kissed them after. She knew she lost right after she met him. He looked so thinner and it broke her heart.

“Give me a time to breathe. I don’t want to break up with you either. I don’t want to lose you again. But sometimes we have to give ourselves a time to reflect what we’ve done. I love you too you know that”, she smiled but he could see sadness in her eyes.

He cupped her face and kissed her passionately and sadly. She could swear that that was the saddest kiss they’ve ever shared. “I know I’ve hurt you so bad, I cannot be a good boyfriend but…”, he paused. She gave a reassured smile again that made him guiltier. “My love will never change”, he said and hugged her. She nodded while closing her eyes. They spent two hours in his apartment. As she left the house. What Lee Jonghyun didn’t know? She cried so hard while driving to her home.

She sighed again after remembering that. She really missed those days when they walked around Han River while holding hands in the late of autumn. They would spend the night in his apartment, cuddling and sleeping.

“Yoona?”

She heard someone calling her name. It’s her sister. “You’re here? Don’t have any schedule tomorrow?”, she asked. Yoona gave her a smile, “I am going to Japan the day after tomorrow”.

***

Japan

She was unpacking her bag when suddenly her phone beeped. She took her phone and read it.

“Yoona-ya gomawo. I