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“Those cigarettes are going to be the death of you one day, y’know?” I said to him after tossing the bag of garbage into the garbage bin.

 

He had his back leaning against the cold concrete walls while his eyes stare up at the moonlight. Smokes continue to fall out from his mouth and right before he blew the last puff, he said, “I’m already dead inside anyways.” And toss the burning bud to the ground then stepping on it.

 

I wanted to comment back but ignored him instead because I knew I was going to regret it later trying to step into his life. I was not going to get hurt again.

 

“What time are you off?” He asked getting my attention.

“I’m actually off—.”

“Great. I’ll wait outside the front for you.” He said cutting me off.

 

It caught me off guard to have him wait for me. Usually I was the one always waiting on him.

 

“That’s odd of you.” I replied.

“What is?” He asked straightforwardly.

“T-to wait for me.”

“Well, I was going to head to Hoseok’s birthday party. If you don’t want to go, then I’ll just go there—"

“Just wait for me.” I interrupted him. “It’ll take 5 minutes. I have to go sign some documents.”

“Sure thing.”

 

After closing the door behind me I lean against the wall and exhale in relief. I was happy that I’m finally getting some time off. It has been a rough and tiring year and a half landing my feet in this job and meeting him, Namjoon. There were a lot that went on, like how we meet and how things turned out for us. We were strangers who had one thing in common, unrequited love.

 

I was a rebound for all the time he was stressed or when the woman he loved tries to ignored him. He will tell me how much he enjoys the time he’s in bed with me, but I knew it was all just a lie. Honestly, if he truly feels that way, wouldn’t he had tried to ask me to be his?—But he didn’t. I’ve always been the side chick…the to-go to and, I honestly didn’t hate it one bit.

 

But speaking from the heart. After a year and half, I grew tired of waiting for him to want me. I was done chasing and wishing that he would one day sweep me off my feet.

 

I turned in my resignation letter two weeks ago and tonight was going to be the last night I’ll be spending with him. I’ve told myself that no matter how much he calls or if he shows up at my apartment door, that I was not going to pick up or answer him. I’ve decided to distant myself from him, to heal myself and to stop loving him.

 

I quickly grab my things from my locker and head out the door to the front.

 

“You said 5 minutes.”

 

I glance to my left and he was leaning against the wall smoking his cigarette.

 

“I didn’t think it was going to take more than that. Sorry to keep you waiting.” I said.

“Forget it. Let’s go.”

 

He tosses the burning bud into the street and his next movement surprised me over my limit. He came closer and grab a hold of my hand, intertwined our fingers and drag me along beside him. He was acting a lot weirdly lately, but his cold emotions were what I couldn’t figure out—if he was serious or if it was all an act.

 

We arrived at Hoseok’s place and right when I opened the passenger door, the music hit my ears clearly even when we were so far away. I watched as he walks pass me and walked straight towards the front door.

 

I was really confused. One minute he’ll do sweet things and the next minute he’ll act like I don’t exist in this world. That was him, a cold and heartless man.

 

I walked in and was greeted by Taehyung and his girlfriend. They offered a drink and I took the beer bottle off from his hand. Taehyung’s girlfriend walks over with two shots in her hand and hands one over. I took that shot down like water.

 

“Slow down, Jae. There’s plenty here for many rounds.” Taehyung teased.

“I was just feeling a little thirsty.” I replied.

“Why don’t you go over there and chill with Seokjin? He’s just been dumped by his 7^th girlfriend of the week.”

“He just hasn’t meet the right one yet.” I said.

“Well maybe you can keep him company? Will you?” He asked. “I don’t want to witness another emotional drunk talk from him.”

“Why not. I need a drinking buddy anyways.”

 

Taehyung, the only friend I have remaining. The one who introduced me to Namjoon. Taehyung is a caring friend who just wants the best for his friends. He was the one who knows me best, the one I tell my secrets too. The only one beside myself who knows how I truly feel about Namjoon. Taehyung was there those nights when I cried myself to sleep, he was there when I truly hate myself and the only one who knows about the scars on my wrists. He was truly one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life.

 

But, that changed when he met the woman of his life, that’s what he calls her, his soulmate. We hardly talk anymore, only at times and parties like this that I would get a chance to speak with him.

 

I made my way towards Seokjin just to be pulled by a hand. He dragged me into the dance floor.

 

“Chim, I’m not in the mode to dance right now.” I said.

“Oh, come on baby girl. You can’t come to a party and not dance.” He said loudly over the music.

“Jimin.”

“Hm?”

“How much did you drink?”

 

He showed me the brightest smile he had ever given and whispered.

 

“Not enough.”

“You’re drunk.” I stated. “I’ll go get you some water.”

 

That was my excuse to get away from him before I ended up in bed with him. A sober Jimin is as sweet as peach but a drunk Jimin is not one to mess with. His hormone kicks in the moment he’s drunk, and becomes a freak. Moving fast before he gets a hold of you is the best choice. I do feel sorry for the next girl who’s fallen into his web but could care less if she enjoys .

 

I opened the fridge and take out a bottle of cold water and hand it to one of the girl heading towards Jimin’s way.

 

“Please give this to Jimin.” I motion my hand over and he winked back.

 

I finally seat myself next to Seokjin, the eldest of the group. We were the same-age friend. He was just sipping on the whisky in his hand and watching for his next prey. I stared at where he was staring off too and a smirk grew on my face.

 

“It won’t kill you if just walk up to her, y’know.”

“Jae, you don’t have no idea how much I want to walk up to her and—”

“—okay, don’t. Gosh! You and your friends are a bunch of manic.”

 

He turned around to face me and smile.

 

“You’re no better than we are.” He grinned.

 

It was the truth. When it comes to and Namjoon, we were always a mess—never having enough of one another until the sun rises then we were back to strangers again. I smiled faintly back.

 

“Did you come here with him?” He asked.

“K-kind of. He just d-ditched me when we got here.”

“He’s is such a loser. Don’t mind him.” He said. “He’s just trying to figure out his feelings.”

“What do you mean?” I was actually clueless at what he was trying to state.

“Just enjoy yourself for the night. Stop lingering around and find a new man for a change, will you Jae?”

“There’s not really a man I have in mind.”

“Jungkook is single.”

“He’s like what? 15?”

 

Seokjin just laughed at my comment.

 

“Hoseok is too nice and pure. I don’t want to ruin his reputation. Yoongi? We don’t click. You know we are always on each other throat, how can I be in a relationship with that man. We might kill each other. Jimin? He’s too cute and sweet plus I’m not into that type. You know Taehyung, I can never think of him as a man. He’s been my friend for the longest time. And last but not least, I have you—but you’re too much of a player. If you’re willing to see a girl for 3 days without breaking up, I might reconsider.”

 

He chuckled and before sipping from the glass he commented,

 

“No one will replace him, am I right?”

 

I glance across the room and found him making out on the couch with another woman that wasn’t me. I scoff, and one shot the bottle of beer in front of me.

 

“You know, all those girls he’s been with including me. We’re all like his cigarettes—he’ll have one and when he’s done, he’ll toss them away. It’s funny how I always wanted to be his last cigarette, but you know what?”

“What?” He asked.

“I rather be his light (referring to a lighter).”

“Why?” Jin raised his eyebrow.

“He’ll keep me with him at all times.”

 

Seokjin and I had about countless rounds of drinks. I glanced at my watch and it already reads, 2:15 a.m. I stood up and he knew it was time to get home.

 

“You want me to drive you back?” He asked.

“Nah—I’ll just grab myself a taxi.” I reassure him I will be safe.

“Alright, I’ll see you next time.”

 

Next time? There won’t be one.

 

“Sure.” I respond back.

 

I was making my way towards the door and stop my steps when our eyes meet. At times like this, I wished he’ll come over and tell me not to leave, to not leave him. Perhaps, if he did, maybe I’ll change my mind on not leaving him forever. But he didn’t. I broke away from the trance and walked outside. Walking away from the music, I finally broken down when the cool breeze brushes against my face. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and I didn’t grab a taxi like I promised Jin I would. My feet took control and I walked endlessly.

 

It was almost 7 in the morning and I finally reached my apartment. The sun had already rise, my body was tired as I drag myself up the stairs to the top level, where my place was. After digging for my keys, I lift my head up and there he was. I was lost in the moment, he stood there beautifully. We were supposed to end several hours ago but he’s standing before me.

 

“You did take your sweet time coming back.” He said taking the lollipop out from his mouth.

“I didn’t know you were waiting. I assume you’ll take her back to your place.”

“I was thinking of doing so but Jungkook was going to spend the night, so I told her next time.”

“That’s the first.” I said as I stick the key into the keyhole.

 

Opening the door, I went in and he follows. I don’t even know when he will stop trespassing my place, it’s like his second home.

 

I set the keys on the counter table and took my jacket off.

 

“Did you want something to drink—”

 

He cut me off when his hands pulled me into his embrace. My back against his chest and his hands wrap gently around my waist.

 

“It’s 7 in the morning, can we just get some sleep?”

 

I could smell the mixture of sweetness from his lollipop, the bitterness for his cigarette and the burning smell of liquor from his breath. I tried to escape but his grip got tighter.

 

“Let’s go to bed.” He whispers softly into my ear and it send vibrations throughout my body.

 

He had enough to drink it seems and obviously drunk. He turns me around to face him and for the first time ever, he smiled at me. It was the most beautiful sight in my life.

 

I was trying hard to get over him and here is was, standing in front of me with a beautiful smile on his face. It was getting hard for me to breath. I closed my eyes to calm myself and wished all of this was just a dream that if I wake up everything will disappear, his smile…him.

 

Before I realize, he already had his lips against mines. It was different this time, not the rough and eager kissing he’s done in the past. Even I was shock that he can be this passionate when it comes to kissing.

 

Not minutes after, reality hits me hard. Namjoon broke the kiss when he tasted salty tears.

 

I opened my eyes to see a sad look in his eyes.

 

“T-tell me. If I wake up later, you’ll leave, right? You’ll be gone, right? Y-you forget, right?”

 

As I start pouring out my heart and breathing heavily, he pulled me in just to bury me in this warm embrace.

 

“Hm.” He confirmed calmly. “I’ll leave. I’ll be gone. I’ll forget—”

 

His words broken me down even more.

 

“That way you’ll be able to heal.” He said. “Waiting for you multiple times today made me realize how they felt, how you felt when you’re waiting for someone not knowing if they’re going to show up as they promised. That look right before you left Hoseok’s place, it told me if I didn’t catch up with you, I’ll never see you again and I hate that feeling.”

 

He rubs my back gently to calm me down.

 

“Joon—” I said.

“Hm.”

 

“I Love You.”

 

“—let’s get some sleep.”

 

I stopped myself from saying anything further. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, I didn’t want to make it difficult for him either.

 

We end up in my bed and it wasn’t long before he drifted off to sleep. I watched him like it was going to be the last time seeing him. I tried memorizing his features, his eyes, his nose and his soft lips.

 

“I really love you.”

 

I tried adjusting myself, but he pulled me into his chest.

 

“Joon—”

“Don’t go.” He softly mumbled.

 

I chuckle at the way he was sleep talking. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep too.

 

It was around 4 p.m. when I woke up but Namjoon was nowhere to be found. I jumped out of bed and walked out the to the living room but cannot find him there either. My heart drops at the thought of him leaving for real. Right before I got a chance to grab my phone, I hear keys jingling from outside. Namjoon walked inside and an awkward silence came between us. I wasn’t sure if he remembers anything that had happen, but it almost seems like there were no memories for him. It was like nothing happened.

 

“What time did we get back?”

 

My heart sunk. He really doesn’t remember anything?

 

“I left at 2. You were already here when I got back.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” I lied.

 

For the next several days, it was like he was living at my place. He would go out during the day and when night falls, he’ll come back making my place his home. I assumed at some point that he was afraid I’ll leave but no signs were showing. Some nights we’ll have and other nights he’ll just cuddle me like tonight.

 

I couldn’t sleep due to my thoughts running thinking of reasons for his actions.

 

“Joon—”

“What is it?”

 

I thought he was asleep, but it seems like he wasn’t.

 

“You’ve called me that twice since the day after Hoseok’s party. It seems to become a habit of yours.”

 

I paused before continuing.

 

“You remembered?” I asked turning around to face him.

“Remember what?”

“That morning. You remember what happen that morning?”

“The morning when you were crying your off in front of me? Yeah.”

“And you acted like you didn’t? You seriously remembered but never mentioned it?”

“I never said I don’t remembered.”

“Then why did you ask what time we came back?”

“Because I want to see what kind of lies you will be telling.”

“You’re being stupid.” I said pulling the sheets off.

 

He was quicker and pulled me back to lay in bed with him.

 

“Where are you going?” He asked.

“To sleep somewhere else.”

“You’re being childish, y’know?”

“Better than you lying.”

“I didn’t lie. You just assume everything in your head.”

“I-I—”

“See. I’m right.” He said pulling me closer.

 

We were laying in each other’s embrace and I was listening to the beat of his heart. I wasn’t even sure what type of relationships we were in anymore. I’m not even his girlfriend nor has he express any sorts of feelings. I was clueless but didn’t mind, even if he never loves me back, I was okay.

 

“Jae—” He spoke my name softly.

“Hm.”

“I Love you, too.”

 

At that moment, I was literally his light.

 

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