If there was anything six-year-old Kyungsoo thought he was good at, it was his ability to finish his meals quickly, much unlike other children his age who would take so much longer than his record-time of twenty minutes. His mother watched him gobble up his dinner and wiped his mouth with a tissue for him before he was given the permission to go to his favorite place—no—his favorite person in this entire world.

 

That title was a true honour. There were many, many, many people in his world. Certainly, too many for him to even keep track sometimes. He tried to recall a few prominent ones as he dashed down the corridor, going the fastest his short chubby legs could take him. There was his mom, his dad, his grandma, his grandpa, his best friend Baekhyun, his teacher Mrs Yang, the kind elderly owner of the stationary store with a toothy smile and who always gave him lollipops whenever he went there—so many of them, but not everyone could be his favorite.

 

The doorbell was still way out of Kyungsoo’s reach so he didn’t bother attempting this time. He curled his hands into little fists and pounded the door, knowing that it was rude to cause such a commotion but going ahead with it nonetheless because he was just too excited. It was difficult to hold himself back when he was in such high spirits.

 

As expected, the door opened within a few seconds, and there he was.

 

“Hyung!” Kyungsoo squealed at the sight of his favorite person in the world (second only to his parents when they buy him chocolate), instinctively raising his arms to be carried.

 

Jongin reacted as he did everyday, with a smile that reached his eyes. He bent down to get a good hold on Kyungsoo and lifted him into the air with the little boy’s legs flailing wildly from the happiness.

 

“Here comes the little prince.”

 

Only now did Kyungsoo notice that Jongin was still in his uniform. He questioned Jongin about that, drawing back to take a better look at his attire. The older boy laughed as he brought Kyungsoo into the apartment and answered while he set him down on the couch.

 

“Hyung’s not feeling very well today, so I came back early to take a nap. You arrived before I could.” He pinched Kyungsoo’s nose after he said that, and he was still smiling, which was what convinced Kyungsoo that he didn’t have to feel too guilty about being inconsiderate.

 

“Hyung, you’re sick?” Kyungsoo furrowed his brows as he tried to remember what his mother did for him when he was sick. He always cried a lot when he was sick because it hurt so much—there was this pain he couldn’t explain lodged deeply in his body and nobody could make it go away. He thought Jongin was incredibly brave for not shedding even a single tear.

 

“Probably a cold catching on.” Jongin leaned back. His gaze was lazy but his stance was relaxed, and Kyungsoo flopped over. “It’s not too bad. I’ll be fine after taking some medicine.”

 

The little boy nodded, listening intently. “Okay.” He didn’t doubt Jongin’s words. After all, Jongin was tall and handsome and brave and smart and there was no way anything could bring him down. “Today I learned about animals.”

 

“Did you? Tell me about it.”

 

Kyungsoo wasn’t going to completely ignore the fact that Jongin wasn’t feeling his best. It was at this time that the memory of his mother pressing the back of her hand against his forehead came rushing back to him, and he replicated that in reality. He talked as he got to his feet and touched Jongin’s forehead, not knowing what exactly this gesture was for, but believing that it would somehow make his favorite hyung feel better.

 

Jongin’s eyes grew noticeably wider, evidently surprised, but became crescents as he listened to Kyungsoo tell him all about the different kinds of animals he had been exposed to in nursery class today while keeping his hand on Jongin’s forehead.

 

At last, he gave in. It was cute of Kyungsoo to do that, but it had been a few long minutes now, and the boy had not budged.

 

“Kyungsoo, what are you trying to do?”

 

The boy looked confused at Jongin’s question. He stopped jabbering about alligators and stared hard at Jongin.

 

Jongin wrapped his fingers around Kyungsoo’s tiny wrist and pulled his hand away from his face. “What are you trying to do with your hand?”

 

“I’m making you feel better.” Kyungsoo replied earnestly. His gaze was so serious that Jongin forced himself to hold back his laughter.

 

“I already do. Thank you, Kyungsoo.”

 

Having received confirmation that his job was accomplished, Kyungsoo flopped back down beside Jongin.

 

“No problem.” He beamed, and Jongin pinched his nose again.

 

For the next half an hour or so, Kyungsoo just chattered endlessly about the most random things. Jongin played along, entertained him, giving exaggerated reactions and asking questions at the appropriate moments to keep Kyungsoo talking.

 

Most people wouldn’t bother putting up with a kid when they weren’t feeling their best, and Jongin was no different, but Kyungsoo wasn’t just any kid. The boy fiddling with a power ranger figurine while talking about the chocolate cake his mother baked last week was someone he had grown very fond of.

 

It all started when Kyungsoo’s family moved into the apartment at the end of the corridor a few years ago. It had been vacant for months, and Jongin had been surprised to find people moving furniture into it as he was coming back from middle school one afternoon.

 

Kyungsoo had been only two then, so it had been four years ago, but he was a very curious toddler and approached Jongin in his cute striped jumpsuit without any reservation when he saw him coming out of the lift. One thing led to another; Kyungsoo’s mother invited Jongin over to their house for dinner, and the little boy couldn’t stay away from Jongin ever since.

 

To Kyungsoo, Jongin had always been everything. Little boys idolized big boys, and Kyungsoo practically worshipped Jongin. He would follow him around everywhere and even cried if he couldn’t see Jongin. They all assumed that Kyungsoo would grow out of it eventually, but he was six now, and still as attached to Jongin as ever.

 

Not that Jongin minded it one bit. Kyungsoo was a special friend to him too, despite their ten-years age difference. Being with Kyungsoo reminded him of everything that was good and innocent and he was at an age where much of that goodness was needed.

 

Jongin really didn’t mind spending time with Kyungsoo, and him falling asleep with Kyungsoo’s excited voice in the background had everything to do with him not feeling well. It took a while for Kyungsoo to notice that Jongin had stopped responding to him. He turned around to look at the older male, head cocked, as if trying to figure out something.

 

Finally, he clutched his power ranger figurine to his chest and buried into Jongin’s side, thinking that it would be nice to go to sleep now too.

 

Kyungsoo hated naps because it meant depriving himself of playtime, but he drifted out of consciousness fairly quickly—it was impossible not to when the warmth radiating off Jongin’s body made him feel so safe and happy.

 

That was how it was.

 

Jongin had always been his safe place, and would be for a long time to come.

 

--

 

Kyungsoo woke up with a splitting headache that eased slightly only after he dragged himself out of bed and took a lukewarm shower. He resorted to Panadol when it persisted, swallowing the pill in a hurry and gulping water to wash it down. The weather was just nice for a walk, and his headache was completely gone by the time he arrived at the convenience store he worked part-time at on weekends.

 

Minseok looked pleased to see him. Of course he would be. Kyungsoo greeted him with a fist-bump, having already changed into his attire and ready to take over Minseok’s shift. They met through the job, and although not exactly close, Kyungsoo liked him enough to consider him a friend. The small age difference between them paved the way for a comfortable friendship to bloom as well.

 

“Have a good day,” the older male whistled, grabbing a Kit-Kat from the candy section on his way out. “Put this on my tab.”

 

“Sure.” Kyungsoo answered, but didn’t get around to doing it until a few hours later because the day always passed so slowly and there was barely anything to do here.

 

He could have easily found another job elsewhere; a more intensive one that would help time to pass by more quickly, but for some reason, he liked the tranquility of working in the convenience store and not having to bustle around to cater to the needs of people who acted like kids instead of adults. Besides, this job gave him the extra allowance he needed.

 

As predicted, the day passes fairly slowly. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and he was ready to conclude that it would be just another uneventful day when the bell rang, announcing the arrival of a new customer. Kyungsoo swore under his breath, glancing up at the clock first before shifting his attention to the customer. There was 5 more minutes until he knocked off and the colleague scheduled for the next shift hadn’t showed up, which had already left him in a cranky mood, and he absolutely did not want to have to deal with anyone now.

 

Except when his gaze landed on the customer, all these thoughts shattered like porcelain landing on cement. His mind went absolutely blank and his jaw fell open, unable to believe his eyes.

 

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin looked just as surprised to see him here. He swept his gaze around the convenience store quickly as if to confirm his location, more in disbelief about where he has run into Kyungsoo than seeing the man himself.

 

“Jongin hyung.”

 

It is Jongin. Jongin broke into a wide smile, taking long strides to the counter. He rested his hands on the smooth surface, looking at Kyungsoo.

 

“When did you come back?” Kyungsoo asked. His voice wavered slightly and he hoped Jongin didn’t notice that.

 

“Just a few days ago.” Jongin’s smile turned sheepish all of a sudden. He bowed his head while touching his nape, a telltale sign of his uneasiness. “I was going to come look for you, but I was pretty busy with moving and settling down.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t want to question the validity of his statement. He didn’t want to know if it was the truth or just an excuse. Staying calm while standing opposite Jongin like that was already taking up enough of his concentration. It had been such a long time, after all.

 

Almost two years. They hadn’t seen each other in that long, and their first reunion had to be at a convenience store where both were equally caught off-guard. The complete lack of mental preparation left Kyungsoo only able to fiddle with the hem of his shirt nervously, feeling much too exposed in this bright illumination.

 

His gaze alternated between Jongin’s face and the cash register, but despite the jagged eye-contact, it was obvious that Jongin had retained his painfully good looks. He was effectively in his thirties now although he looked younger than that, and it was more of his aura and the way he carried himself that gave away his age.

 

Jongin’s stance was relaxed; hands placed atop the counter, weight on one leg. Kyungsoo nodded, only now recalling that it was his turn to respond.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

Really, what else could he have said?

 

“So, um, what time do you finish? Do you have any plans after that?”

 

Kyungsoo glanced at the clock again. “Right now, actually. But I have to wait for my colleague to take over.”

 

“You want to go grab a bite?”

 

The older male’s smile never faltered. His gaze was just as intense as Kyungsoo remembered it to be. He also remembered how badly he used to long for Jongin’s attention to be fixated on him and solely him. It only drove him to the edge now, as if time apart had driven too big a wedge between them. He felt so unaccustomed to Jongin, which was a really strange feeling because this particular person had once meant the entire world to him.

 

“Sure.” Kyungsoo took a much shorter time to respond this time.

 

“Okay then. I came in to get a drink, so I’ll go get it.” Jongin certainly wasn’t behaving as awkwardly as Kyungsoo was, and the latter knew it wasn’t just a false front. He looked genuinely happy to see him in spite of the abrupt meeting, and Kyungsoo couldn’t tear his eyes away from the older male as he strolled leisurely to the fridge.

 

Kyungsoo took in the little things that he hadn’t been able to pay attention to earlier because he was too overwhelmed by Jongin’s unannounced appearance. The older male looked good even from the back. His tall stature looked good in a black turtleneck and matching black jeans, and when he turned around with a small carton of orange juice in his grasp, Kyungsoo noticed that his hair was slicked back. It really brought out his sharp features, especially his high cheekbones.

 

He made his way back to the counter, maintaining the same leisurely speed. As per Kyungsoo’s earlier observation, age had altered Jongin’s aura and deepened his overall charisma. The last time they met, Jongin still reminded him of his much younger self, resembling a cute puppy even in his suit. But now, the only thing Kyungsoo could think of was how incredibly handsome he looked, and that he practically belonged on the cover of Vogue magazine.

 

Maybe it was just because they hadn’t meet in a while. Kyungsoo didn’t know. He could feel the blood rushing up to his face, and kept his head lowered as Jongin handed the carton over for him to check it out.

 

It was nearly 15 minutes later when Kyungsoo was finally free to leave. He pulled his cap lower to cover more of his face while walking out of the convenience store, spotting Jongin’s car instantly. The older male had left 5 minutes earlier to go get his car, and the sight of the black Ford Explorer brought a wave of comfort that he didn’t realize he needed so desperately until he felt much better from seeing it. It was the same old car he had sat in a million times. Jongin hadn’t replaced it, and Kyungsoo was grateful for that constant.

 

He felt Jongin’s eyes on him the entire time he took to enter the vehicle. From that point, he reverted to auto-pilot, stretching the seatbelt and buckling himself in like he had done so many times before Jongin moved away. The car even smelled the same, and Kyungsoo quickly discovered the scented car jar hanging from the mirror. It seemed to him that Jongin had chosen to maintain his car in the exact same manner over the last couple of years.

 

It brought back memories, definitely, and they came rushing into Kyungsoo’s head so swiftly that he felt a little lightheaded. There was that time he accidentally spilled his bubble tea and he was so sure that Jongin would get mad and yell at him, but he didn’t, he just kept his cool and cleaned it up with Kyungsoo. And then there was when Kyungsoo got grounded over his bad grades and sneaked out in the middle of the night to meet his friends anyway. They went drinking, underaged and all, and it was Jongin who had shown up to drive him home when he started throwing up and felt too miserable to manage on his own. He didn’t reprimand him then, but Kyungsoo would never forget that incident because it was one of the few times Jongin didn’t smile at him throughout.

 

So much time had passed since then. Kyungsoo got a glimpse of himself in the wing mirror and could hardly breathe. He wasn’t the same anymore, but sitting here in Jongin’s car was starting to make him feel like a kid all over again.

 

It was absurd—he was already 20. There was something to abhor about feeling this way when he was sitting beside Jongin.

 

The nature of their silence was not entirely uncomfortable, but the lack of music in the background (Jongin never liked to turn the radio on) made it feel so because they could hear the absence of words so very clearly. It was the occasional honk from an adjacent car and the sound of the car engine that made it more bearable and kept Kyungsoo rooted to reality.

 

His thoughts wandered anyway, to a past that included Jongin but felt foreign and distant. Jongin was the one who broke the silence and tore up his thoughts.

 

“How have you been?”

 

Kyungsoo had no idea where Jongin was taking them, but he didn’t feel the need to ask. He didn’t have anywhere in mind anyway.

 

“I’ve been doing okay.”

 

Anyone who wasn’t familiar with Kyungsoo would likely be put off by his brevity, or at least start to wonder about his desire to be engaged in one at all, but Jongin knew him well enough. There were times he would get nostalgic and start talking about when Kyungsoo was still a bubbly and chatty boy (really, Kyungsoo had heard enough stories of how he would talk to Jongin for hours straight), but when asked if he preferred that Kyungsoo to the one who had become much more reticent as he grew up, Jongin had answered “no” without even hesitating. He liked Kyungsoo the way he was, and would continue to no matter what kind of person he became, even if he decided to take a vow of silence.

 

Jongin’s smile was hidden in the shadows of the darkness as the car zoomed past restaurants and bars and stores. He didn’t really have a place in mind either, he just thought the answer would eventually come to him if he continued driving.

 

“You’re in university now, aren’t you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Got a girlfriend yet?”

 

Kyungsoo tensed up at that question. It lasted only a second as he forced himself to relax, hoping Jongin didn’t notice him suddenly growing stiff. There were things he couldn’t explain to himself—didn’t want to—they were all the same at this point of time.

 

“Broke up after four months.”

 

He felt Jongin’s eyes on him again.

 

“You know, I’m kinda hurt that you didn’t tell me.”

 

“It was after we stopped keeping in touch.” His answer, however truthful, definitely struck Jongin somewhere. The older male grew quiet, and the silence contemplative.

 

Mostly regret, but a little bit of guilt too. These emotions were mutually felt. It wasn’t like one party tried desperately to hold on to the other who made completely no effort to. They both tried, they really did and perhaps it just wasn’t enough. The worlds they woke up to every single morning were just too different, too distant from each other, and Kyungsoo didn’t think it was possible to pinpoint the culprit between the both of them. It just happened eventually. He missed Jongin terribly, there was no doubt about that, but he just stopped knowing how to reach out to him without feeling like someone who didn’t belong in his world.

 

It just happened. And there was no changing the fact that it did.

 

When the car finally pulled to a stop, Kyungsoo realized they were at the roadside stall they used to go to all the time.

 

--

 

“It’s a really good day for me,” was the first thing Jongin said to him as Kyungsoo pulled the stool out from beneath the table. He settled down, dumping his backpack onto the empty one beside him before leaning forward to get a little closer to Jongin. Always a little closer.

 

“You won the lottery?”

 

That idea amused Jongin. “I wish!” He exclaimed, pouring Kyungsoo some alcohol.

 

“What happened?”

 

Seeing Jongin smile like that was enough to make Kyungsoo grin from ear-to-ear too. He rested his chin on a curled fist.

 

“I got a promotion.”

 

“Really?”

 

Jongin nodded. “Yeah, really.”

 

“You know what this means?” Kyungsoo picked up his glass, raising it to his face. “Bottoms up!” He heeded his own advice without waiting for Jongin to do the same. The older male was looking at him with a gentle smile when he placed the glass back down on the table.

 

“Take it easy,” Jongin told him. “You’re not a very good drinker.” Following that, he emptied his glass as well.

 

It was the first time Kyungsoo had seen Jongin drink so quickly. Jongin usually took small sips because he wasn’t much of a drinker, but it was clear from his behaviour that he was in a really great mood. So was Kyungsoo. Seeing Jongin in such high spirits made him feel like he was on top of the world too.

 

“I’m really happy for you, hyung.”

 

Jongin reached out to pat Kyungsoo’s head. “No more alcohol for you, you’re still underage.”

 

“You’re ruining the mood. I’m already 16. It’s not like I haven’t done this before.” Kyungsoo tried to play it cool, but he won’t deny that his heart skipped a beat when Jongin ruffled his hair. He tried to make himself appear tougher than he really was, desperate to be on equal footing with Jongin.

 

“But you know, Kyungsoo, they’re transferring me to another city.”

 

“What?” He thought he heard wrongly. It must be the alcohol already making him feel muddled. Jongin was right. He wasn’t a good drinker.

 

But Jongin repeated himself, and with more clarity this time.

 

“They opened a new branch in another city which is why I’m being offered a management position at all. It’s pretty far away, but I don’t think I should give this up. I don’t know if I’ll ever get another opportunity like this.”

 

The firmness in Jongin’s voice revealed that the older male already had his mind all made up, which Kyungsoo thought was weird because the way he put it to him made it seem like he thought Kyungsoo was going to try to stop him. This was sudden and he didn’t know how to react. He didn’t want Jongin to leave, that was for certain, but it never occurred to him to try and stop Jongin from pursuing what he wanted.

 

“When are you going?” Kyungsoo tried to keep his voice steady. He reached for the bottle of liquor. Jongin watched him intently, but he didn’t try to stop him.

“In one month. I’ll be there for a few years.”

 

Kyungsoo nodded. “I see.” He downed his second glass of liquor, trying to convince himself that it was the alcohol making his cheeks heat up and not Jongin’s intense gaze. It was too much. “Congratulations.” He couldn’t bring himself to look into Jongin’s eyes.

 

The extreme shift in the ambience was felt by the both of them. Kyungsoo didn’t know if it was his fault, but he thought so. He forced himself to smile, but continued to struggle with maintaining eye-contact. He had never been a very good liar, and he really did wish he was one right now.

 

Desperate to steer Jongin’s focus off him, he asked, “what does your girlfriend think?”.

 

“You’re the first person I told.”

 

Their food arrived at that time, distracting Jongin long enough for Kyungsoo to look away, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. His face was burning up. His heart was pounding. His palms were growing sweaty. There was a smile on his face when he turned back to the older male.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten a chance to see her yet.” Jongin picked up his chopsticks. He dumped a few slices of grilled meat onto Kyungsoo’s rice, and this gesture, although consistent with what Jongin did all along, made Kyungsoo feel especially touched. Jongin’s nose scrunched as he laughed. “I suddenly remembered how you reacted when I told you I was going to move to campus.”

 

Despite Kyungsoo’s current turbulent emotions, he laughed at that memory. “I was only 8,” he protested. “You were my best friend.”

 

Jongin quirked an eyebrow. “Were?”

 

The words slipped out before Kyungsoo could consider their appropriateness. “You’re leaving again.” He filled his glass to the brim and lifted it to face-level carefully, trying not to spill anything. What an uncanny metaphor. Right now, his chest felt like it was going to start swelling from all the emotions he was holding back.

 

“I’ll come back to see everyone.”

 

Jongin never took his eyes off Kyungsoo. There was something about his gaze that made it so intense; he always looked at people like they were the only thing he could see, as if nothing else existed. It was something Kyungsoo knew Jongin did to everyone, but at this moment, it felt too heavy for him to bear. With Jongin’s gaze, Kyungsoo felt the pressure of an interrogation.

 

Intoxication brought out the best (or worst) in him. It wasn’t until years later did Kyungsoo realize that sixteen-year-old him getting to drink so much under Jongin’s watchful eye wasn’t merely an oversight on the older male’s part. Everything was calculated and Jongin undoubtedly sensed that something was a little off with Kyungsoo, and it wasn’t like Kyungsoo was out drinking with bad company who wouldn’t take care of him properly anyway.

 

The more Kyungsoo drank, the bolder he felt. He didn’t bother keeping track of how many glasses he downed, but knew for sure it was probably more than he could take because Jongin ended up ordering more and more bottles to share between them. The heaviness from Jongin’s gaze vanished as abruptly as it came. Kyungsoo was shoving the last few slices of grilled meat into his mouth when their eyes met for the final time that night after countless half-hearted attempts.

 

His jaws halted. The night had grown old. Jongin’s eyes appeared so brown even without the presence of radiant sunlight. The light bulbs hanging down from the makeshift ceiling of their tent stall only grew brighter by the second. Kyungsoo couldn’t catch his breath. He had nearly forgotten that he still had a mouthful of half-masticated meat. Jongin was beautiful. Everything about him was, from his dark hair, those soulful eyes, how the corners of his lips rose into a smile.

 

Suddenly, a dreadful wave of self-consciousness invaded Kyungsoo, slipping through his pores and twisting his stomach into knots. With his face burning from the alcohol and the warmth of the food, he couldn’t help but wonder how he looked in Jongin’s eyes now.

 

Was he like a kid, like the stupid sixteen year old kid he was? Kyungsoo swallowed his food. On this quiet night Jongin told him he was leaving for the second time, he felt desperation.

 

Desperation for many things.

 

His vision started to blur as he leaned forward. Kyungsoo reached out, blinking rapidly to keep Jongin’s face in plain sight. Those cheeks he remembered planting many kisses on when he was much younger and could get away with showing his fondness without worrying that it would cause any complications—they felt even softer cupped in his hands.

 

Kyungsoo was already standing up when his senses returned for the briefest of seconds. He was standing up and leaning across the table with Jongin’s face in his hands. Even in this startling situation, Jongin’s gaze was so tender.

 

Hyung, he knew he had to say.

 

“Jongin,” he called out.

 

Their faces were so close. Kyungsoo could feel the warmth of Jongin’s breath.

 

That name resonated in his head. His heart was at peace despite the proximity. This was a secret he never told anyone—that he had wanted Jongin to just be Jongin for as long as he could remember now.

 

--

 

No matter how much time had passed, some things would never change. Jongin muttered something about how nice the grilled meat smelled when a big plate of it was served, and picked up a few slices with his chopsticks to promptly deliver into Kyungsoo’s bowl like he wasn’t already 20 and fully capable of feeding himself.

 

Kyungsoo watched Jongin’s face while he was busy doing that. If he could sit in Jongin’s seat and see through his eyes right now, what would the sight greeting him be like? Would Kyungsoo look like an adult, or a baby who still needed to be taken care of?

 

He really appreciated how much attention Jongin paid to him, but it grew suffocating when there was no telling whether he would like the reason behind Jongin’s concern too.

 

Even still, the practiced ease with which Jongin took care of him made Kyungsoo feel a lot more settled. He had stopped avoiding eye-contact, and his mind, although still a blank, wasn’t because of nervousness anymore.

 

“Are you back here for good?”

 

It was just as Jongin said. Kyungsoo’s brows raised involuntarily when he took a bite of the juicy meat. Did it always taste this good? He had stopped frequenting this particular stall after Jongin left. It just felt strange to come here with anyone else.

 

Jongin probably derived amusement from how much Kyungsoo was enjoying his meat. He smiled, neat teeth showing. “Yeah, they transferred me back here.”

 

“How have you been?” Kyungsoo was immensely proud of himself. He was doing much better than expected, the earlier awkwardness having disappeared when he wasn’t paying attention.

 

The distance between them was already shortening, and Jongin made use of  the momentum to go even further.

 

“I’ve been doing okay, too.” He replied. “Made the career progress I wanted and life was just largely centered around that for a long while. I requested to be transferred back a year ago, but they only granted it now. I missed home, you know.” And, after a short pause, he added, “I missed you, too.”

 

Kyungsoo nearly choked. He wanted to remain in control of himself, but his heart clung on to those words, breaking them down until they could all be internalized and absorbed into his soul.

 

“Do you want a drink?” Jongin already had his arm raised to get the owner’s attention. He ordered beer for them, grinning at Kyungsoo.

 

The younger male didn’t have to ask to know it was to do with his age, with him now being legal to drink.

 

“Has your alcohol tolerance gotten any better? Should I stop you from drinking?” Jongin , still grinning, and Kyungsoo couldn’t resist smiling back.

 

“Much better,” he said honestly. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

 

Jongin seemed to mull over his words for a long second. “Of course,” he muttered, raking his gaze up and down Kyungsoo. “Of course you’re not.” The volume of his voice made Kyungsoo think those words were more of a soliloquy than a response.

 

The alcohol did much to loosen up the both of them. By the time someone came to clear their table, Kyungsoo’s glass was already empty, and he had learnt that Jongin had broken up with his girlfriend two years ago.

 

Jongin the rim of his glass. “Many things have changed, huh?” His gaze was glossed over for a second, but his focus returned again when he looked up at Kyungsoo. “Look at you, all grown up now.”

 

There wasn’t a reason for Kyungsoo to doubt Jongin’s words. He exhaled, and his chest immediately felt ten times lighter. Hearing Jongin say that made him feel good. Evidently, what Jongin thought of him right now mattered much more than he dared to admit.

 

If he was all grown up, then he was on the same level as Jongin, wasn’t he?

 

His happiness showed on his face, lips curling into a wide smile. They both felt the atmosphere grow lighter, more accumulated distance done away with.

 

The ice clinked against the glass as Jongin tilted his head back and downed the remaining bit. He wiped his mouth with a tissue and balled it up.

 

“I should send you home.”

 

Home.

 

A delayed thought struck Kyungsoo. The question had occurred to him, but he had one million other things to ask the older male and it had been forgotten in his haste.

 

“Where are you living now? Did you move back in with your parents?” Kyungsoo asked as they got to their feet. He hitched his backpack on one shoulder, following Jongin to his car.

 

“No. I rented an apartment.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

Kyungsoo leaned his head against the window and watched Jongin take his time adjusting the rear mirror. Seatbelts were buckled and soon they were on their way back to the apartment building they both used to live in.

 

“Did you get to say hi to my parents yet?”

 

Jongin shook his head. “No, not yet. But I’m planning to. I’ve just been busy over the last few days moving into my new apartment.”

 

The car glided smoothly along the road and their conversation flowed just as smoothly. Jongin asked him about his school, about his classes, about everything he had been missing out on. He laughed when Kyungsoo told him how he eventually decided on his current major, and he was only halfway through the story of how he started dating his ex-girlfriend when they arrived at the carpark of the building Kyungsoo had called home for almost all his life.

 

That didn’t deter them. Kyungsoo continued talking, and Jongin listening, and they continued to linger in the car just talking for almost half an hour in a place filled with too many precious memories.

 

Eventually, it was Kyungsoo who decided it was time to part from Jongin again. He would love to stay but he had classes the next day, and he knew Jongin was tired too. Yet, despite this being his decision, the reluctance to leave was still keenly felt.

 

Kyungsoo took his backpack and straightened up. He was already an adult, but goodbye was still difficult to say when it came to Jongin.

 

“Drive safely,” he told the older male, last-minute deciding against telling him to text him when he’s home.

 

“I will.” Jongin promised him.

 

“Good night.”

 

Kyungsoo inhaled deeply and tightened his grip on the door-handle, determined—

 

“Kyungsoo?”

 

The speed at which he turned around amazed even himself. He must have wanted it so desperately—to hear Jongin call his name again, to keep him from leaving just yet.

 

The look on Jongin’s face nearly made him gasp. Even in this lack of good lighting, even with half of his face drenched in darkness, Kyungsoo saw the sadness in his eyes. His heartbeat dulled.

 

“I’m sorry.”
 

Kyungsoo’s voice came out in a whisper. “What for?”

 

“For leaving,” Jongin continued steadily. “For not putting in more effort to stay in touch even though I promised you I would. For not being there with you during your significant milestones.”

 

How silly.

 

It wasn’t really anyone’s fault to begin with.

 

“You’re back now, aren’t you?” Kyungsoo asked, knowing Jongin’s confirmation would ease the guilt—the guilt they both felt.

 

Not all was lost. They still had time to change everything.

 

Indeed, he saw Jongin’s eyes slowly become the crescents he loved so much.

 

“I am,” Jongin said resolutely.

 

“Good night, hyung.”

 

“Good night, Kyungsoo.”

 

The car drove back out onto the main road only after Kyungsoo disappeared into the elevator.

 

--

 

It was an overcast day, low-hanging clouds tricking eight-year-old Kyungsoo into quickening his footsteps as he made his way home hurriedly, not wanting to get caught in a sudden downpour. He had plans to finish his homework before going over to Jongin’s place, but when he opened the door to the sight of Jongin sitting on the couch, happiness overtook his senses.

 

“Hyung!” Kyungsoo dropped his backpack as he ran straight into Jongin’s arms, throwing his own arms around the older male’s neck and squeezing him tightly.

 

It had been well over a week since they last saw each other with Jongin gone on a school camping trip.

 

“You didn’t even greet your mother, Kyungsoo.” A familiar voice prompted Kyungsoo to draw back, turning his head back to see his mother placing a plate of peeled apples on the table. There was a resigned smile on her face. “At least remove your socks first.”

 

Feeling a little embarrassed that his mother was still telling him what to do in front of Jongin when he was already a big boy now, Kyungsoo turned scarlet and crawled off Jongin. He bent over to remove his socks, balled them up, and tossed them aside carelessly.

 

“Hyung, I really missed you.”

 

It was true. As he looked up at Jongin’s face, the realization that he had really, really, really missed him more than he thought he did sank in. It made his heart feel all warm, almost to the point of him getting the giggles, and Kyungsoo thought it was a strange sensation indeed. He couldn’t explain why the longing he felt for Jongin was even more intense now when they were face to face.

 

“Did you?” Jongin looked really happy to hear that. His smile had not faded since Kyungsoo ran into the house in full-force to greet him. “I missed you too.”

 

Kyungsoo’s mother took the other end of the couch, watching her son and neighbour interact. A few long minutes passed before she spoke up again, briefly interrupting their conversation.

 

“You should tell him about it soon, Jongin.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t know what was happening. He turned to Jongin questioningly, a bewildered expression hanging on his face.

 

Jongin opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He shut it, swallowed dryly, and then tried again. “I’m moving out. Hyung’s school is too far away from here.”

 

Kyungsoo blinked. He still didn’t understand, didn’t want to yet.

 

“I’m moving somewhere nearer to school,” said Jongin crisply. His gaze was trained steadily on Kyungsoo, concentrating very intently on the little boy by his side, and he saw the exact second those big eyes started to water.

 

“Can I go with you?” Kyungsoo asked in a small whimper. He knew what this meant. Jongin was leaving him behind and going somewhere else and he would probably never get to see him again.

 

“Aw, Kyungsoo.” Jongin looked flustered, but when he pulled the boy to his chest and patted his back soothingly, Kyungsoo swore he saw a glimmer of a smile on the older male’s face. “It’s not like we won’t see each other again. I’ll come back every weekend, okay?”

 

“You’re too old to still be crying like a baby, Kyungsoo.” His mother’s words only added insult to injury. Kyungsoo stole a glance and realized that she, too, was smiling. He didn’t understand. What was so amusing about this situation? His heart was breaking, he was so terribly upset.

 

“I won’t get to see you every day.” Kyungsoo sniffled discreetly, trying to stop the tears from falling. He clutched fistsfuls of Jongin’s T-shirt, holding on with all the strength he had in him.

 

“You won’t,” Jongin agreed. “But it’s not the end of the world.”

 

“It is!” Kyungsoo protested.

 

Only now sensing Kyungsoo’s increasingly sullen mood, Jongin took to rubbing his back and whispering reassurances into his ear. Kyungsoo kept his face buried in Jongin’s shoulder, inhaling his familiar scent, refusing to let go or look up.

 

“I’ll come back to play with you, okay? I promise. Don’t cry anymore.”

 

With Jongin coaxing him like that, it didn’t take long before the tears ran dry. Kyungsoo straightened up, but he still refused to let go of Jongin’s T-shirt. He took a long, hard look at one of his favourite people in this entire world. There was just something about Jongin’s face that was extremely likeable. His countenance was pleasant, that much was undeniable, but Kyungsoo especially liked his sharp features and his kind eyes. It made him look friendly and gentle and everything Kyungsoo would associate with love and safety.

 

Not all kinds of attraction could be explained. The one Kyungsoo felt towards Jongin certainly couldn’t, and it could be traced all the way back to when he was only two and felt the urge to approach the then twelve-year-old Jongin without any reservations.

 

“You really can’t bear for me to go, huh?” Jongin asked, and at that moment, the overwhelming love he felt from Kyungsoo made his lips lift into a smile.

 

It was a strange thing how Kyungsoo had practically grown up seeing Jongin’s face, yet only now finding out that his eyes curled into crescents of uneven sizes when he smiled. The difference in size was imperceptible, to the extent that Kyungsoo was amazed that he was able to notice it at all.

 

Now, it was starting to grow increasingly obvious and it was difficult to believe that he had gone so many years without realizing this about Jongin.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything, only nodded dumbly in response. It made Jongin’s smile bloom. They didn’t even notice that rain had started falling outside, mutually caught up in their own little world that a very special connection had given rise to.

 

He spent the rest of the day racking his brain for things that would make Jongin laugh just so he could see those unevenly shaped crescents, adding that to the very long list of things he absolutely adored about his favourite hyung.

 

--

 

The days were growing steadily colder and the trees losing their radiance, their leaves drying up and withering away slowly. Kyungsoo dug his hands into his pockets, glad that his long day had finally come to an end. Mondays always made him feel slightly blue.

 

He trailed after his friends, listening to their chatter without joining in. It was routine for them to go for some ramyun at their favorite restaurant 10-minutes away from campus, one Kyungsoo looked forward to because there was no other way to vitalize his otherwise hellish Mondays.

 

Nobody suspected the especially heavy thoughts on his mind this afternoon, all too used to his silence when he didn’t find the topic particularly engaging. That was how he was able to think about Jongin in peace as the trio slowly strolled down the path, making their way out of the school.

 

It was a whirlpool of thoughts. He was thinking about Jongin, but he couldn’t slow down his thoughts enough to put a finger on just what about Jongin refused to leave his mind. The unexpected run-in with the older male yesterday had ruffled his heart, leaving him unsettled and fidgety all day long.

 

A sudden gust of wind made the branches overhead sway lightly. The leaves rustled, clinging on desperately, but some danced gracefully in the breeze before falling soundlessly to the ground where they would later on be crushed beneath the sneakers of chortling students.

 

One landed on Kyungsoo’s shoulder just as his thoughts unraveled unexpectedly, untangling the knot that had left him distracted all day long.

 

He wanted to see Jongin.

 

He kept thinking about Jongin. He kept thinking about his face, his voice, his everything—he wanted to see him. That was all there was to it. When Jongin was away, Kyungsoo had eventually gotten so used to the longing that he was able to push it to the back of his mind. However, now that he knew Jongin was back and he had seen him and talked to him, all that he had been missing out on and longing for broke free of the shackles they had been forced into. They invaded his head entirely, overtaking all of his thoughts, his senses, demanding for the attention Kyungsoo had deprived them of all at once.

 

He didn’t even realize that he had stopped walking until he heard his friends calling out to him. They were looking at him questioningly, asking him if he was fine.

 

“I’m okay,” he was quick to answer and rid the confusion, “I just want to see—I just—”

 

His words only made it worse. Joonmyun and Sehun turned to each other, exchanging confusing looks, then back to him. He was just about to brush the entire matter off, thinking he had come so close to making a fool out of himself when a timely vibration he felt in his jeans pocket intervened.

 

The words on his lit phone screen didn’t register at first instant. Kyungsoo stared at it hard, not wanting to dismiss the possibility of a beautiful hallucination, and when it lasted long enough to convince him that this was for real, Jongin was calling him, he took a deep breath and answered the call.

 

“Hyung?”

 

“Hey, Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s voice over the phone sent tingles dancing across the expanse of his skin. “I was near your university so I thought I’d just drive over to see if you want to grab a meal or something. You’re still in school, aren’t you?”

 

“I am,” Kyungsoo confirmed, failing to mention that he was already on his way out to get dinner with his friends.

 

“So are you down for dinner? I’ll take you somewhere nice.”

 

Joonmyun and Sehun were still waiting for him. Kyungsoo glanced at them, but the battle was lost before it was even fought and he was agreeing to Jongin’s proposal without giving any thought to it at all.

 

Some things were predestined, and this was one of them. He didn’t know if Jongin realized that the possibility of him turning down an invitation of him was a complete zero. It didn’t matter who he was with or what he was doing. This was already decided right from the start.

 

“I’ll pick you up at the carpark beside the engineering block!”

 

“I got it, hyung.”

 

The call was disconnected with the touch of a finger. Kyungsoo’s apologetic smile was already in place.

 

“I can’t join you guys today,” he said. “Something came up.”

 

“It’s cool. See you tomorrow then?”

 

“See you.”

 

Joonmyun gave him a concerned look, and Kyungsoo had to reassure his friends that everything was just fine before they went on their respective paths. They resumed their journey to the intended restaurant, and Kyungsoo swiftly turned around to embark on a new one.

 

The engineering block car-park was no more than 10 minutes away if he maintained the speed at which he was walking. But soon Kyungsoo found himself picking up his pace, his strides widening, and to start sprinting towards where Jongin was waiting for him wasn’t a conscious decision.

 

It was a very natural gravitation. Something just kept pulling him towards Jongin, like they were magnets. Every second spent away from him was so goddamn agonizing now that he remembered what he had missed so terribly all along, got to see his handsome face and hear his soothing voice once again.

 

He was panting when he finally saw the black Ford Explorer. Sunlight was reflecting off the windscreen which made it impossible to get a clear glimpse of Jongin’s face, but Kyungsoo thought he saw him smile as he approached the vehicle.

 

It became for certain when he pulled the door open and got into the car. Jongin’s sunshine smile greeted him and there was no way Kyungsoo could deny this was what he had been needed all day long.

 

“I don’t mind waiting, you know.” Jongin said in a light tone, having heard Kyungsoo’s uneven breathing and seen his messily parted fringe.

 

Kyungsoo opened his mouth to respond but no words came out. His mind was a complete and utter blank, and he promptly shut it when it became clear that it would remain this way for as long as Jongin continued to look at him with such a tender smile.

 

There was no warning for the thought that dislodged from the depths of his heart and floated all the way to the top; the knowledge that Jongin’s eyes curled into crescents of an uneven size when he smiled widely.

 

All of a sudden, that was the only thing Kyungsoo wanted to see, and he wanted it with such desperation that it startled him.

 

“I mind.”

 

That did it.

 

Jongin’s smile widened to the extent of his eyes curling, crescents glimmering, and something warm unfurled in Kyungsoo’s chest at that familiar sight. There it was. Those uneven crescents.

 

This was undoubtedly still the Jongin that he knew—his Jongin, after all.

 

--

 

There were days Kyungsoo would just wake up feeling completely cranky and snap at the most random things, felt that he needed so much space from the people around him. Before long, the frequency of those days had increased enough for it to become a rebellious phase of sorts as arguments with his parents grew common. He even started sneaking out at night, not always to meet his friends. Sometimes he just took walks around the neighbourhood because he knew his parents would be furious if they found out and that was exactly why he was rebelling.

 

Even Jongin wasn’t spared this hostile treatment. Definitely, Kyungsoo didn’t take it out on him as much as he did on his parents, but there were times when even seeing his hyung only made him feel bothered and stifled.

 

It helped that Jongin wasn’t as naggy as his parents and rarely felt the need to discipline him (even when Kyungsoo knew his behaviour was intolerable)—Kyungsoo was still comfortable around him in spite of everything. It also helped that he didn’t get to see Jongin much since the older male had moved out of his parents’ apartment after graduating from university. Distance made the heart grow fonder, more tolerable, and Kyungsoo missed him enough to not want to let his irrational temper drive them further apart.

 

Yet, today had been an especially bad day. Disagreement arose between him and his mother over his request to extend his curfew, and the tension eventually drove their raised voices up in volume, until it was practically a full-blown argument with them screaming at each other. Kyungsoo yelled at her for being overly-controlling and meddling with his life, his mother retorted with how he was being incredibly rude and his childishness was why she didn’t trust him enough.

 

Their quarrel came to an end when his father arrived home from work. He set his briefcase on the couch and loosened his tie before he instructed Kyungsoo to apologize. His father’s face had been devoid of any overt emotions, but Kyungsoo knew from his clenched jaw and firm tone that he was angry, furious that he had to deal with this load of bull after a long hard day of work.

 

Did Kyungsoo feel bad? He did. But was it enough to make him want to comply with his father’s instructions and apologize, do what would have probably made things a lot better? No. His pride did not allow him to do that and thirteen-year-old Kyungsoo certainly had an inflated ego that would later on get him into a fair bit of trouble.

 

He stomped right into his room and slammed the door shut. The sky outside grew dark, as dark as Kyungsoo’s mood, and he didn’t budge from playing video games on the secondhand television his father had installed in his room. This was of great significance, for it was a Friday night, and it was routine for Jongin to come over to their place to have dinner together on Friday nights.

 

Kyungsoo’s mood was so incredibly surly that he could not be won over even when he heard the doorbell ring and Jongin’s low chuckle at something his mother said. Going outside meant admitting defeat, and Kyungsoo wasn’t ready to do that yet. He bet his parents were going to tell Jongin about what a stupid brat he was anyway.

 

That was why Kyungsoo jumped when he heard the knocking on his door, startled. He paused his video game and looked towards his door, nervous for a moment from not knowing what it was.

 

“Kyungsoo? It’s me.”
 

It was Jongin. His low, sappy trickle of a voice seeped through the door-gap and drifted to his ears. Kyungsoo swallowed a huge painful lump that had appeared out of nowhere in his throat. He lowered his gaze, suddenly feeling ashamed even though Jongin wasn’t there to hear the argument, see him behave like a spoilt brat.

 

“Can you let me in?”

 

Kyungsoo opened his mouth, wanting to ask him to just come on in, then remembered he had locked it in case his parents decided to come after him. The bed gave a slight creak as he slid off it and walked towards the door. His heart stuttered at the thought of coming face to face with Jongin, so he leaned against the wooden door and let that separate them for just a little longer, gathering enough time to regain his composure.

 

When the barrier between them was finally out of the way, Kyungsoo let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. It was just Jongin. It sounded stupid saying it this way, but as Jongin’s face filled his vision, he realized it was just Jongin. This person was someone he would entrust with his life without second thoughts, who had watched him grow up. He knew Jongin loved him—they were like family. It was just Jongin, and he didn’t know what had come over him just now, made him feel scared, dread.

 

“Hyung.” Kyungsoo stepped aside to let him into the room, shutting the door after him. He didn’t lock it this time. It was unlikely that his parents would disturb them.

 

The older male didn’t say anything about the lights not being . The soft moonlight streaming in through the window was enough to make visible everything he needed to anyway, and Jongin made his way to the edge of Kyungsoo’s bed where the younger male himself had been sitting on just a few seconds earlier.

 

He patted the empty space beside him, not questioning Kyungsoo’s uneasy behaviour either. Kyungsoo found himself sitting right by Jongin’s side before he could even make sense of his request. He was at a point where he felt the irrational need to go against everyone, even people who were important to him, yet Jongin didn’t even have to say a single word and he was doing exactly what he was asked to.

 

“What are you playing?” Jongin broke the tentative silence hanging between them, crushing its chances of swelling.

 

Kyungsoo sneaked a glance at him. “Call of Duty.” The light from the television illuminated Jongin’s face, masking his features in vibrant colours. He sensed Kyungsoo looking and turned in time to catch him looking away.

 

“Want to watch a movie with me?” Unlike Kyungsoo, his gaze lingered unwaveringly, as if trying to study every subtle shift of his expression, every nuance.

 

It was the self-consciousness Jongin’s eyes had ignited that made Kyungsoo nod his head. The older male stood up, and only now did Kyungsoo notice the DVD in his hand. He turned the XBOX off, put the disc into the DVD player and soon the movie filled the screen, replacing the previously violent world Kyungsoo had been trapped in.

 

“You’ll get tired sitting like that,” Jongin pointed out. He didn’t want to see Kyungsoo’s response, already crawling into his bed. There was no need to ask for permission. They were that comfortable around each other.

 

Despite Jongin’s words, Kyungsoo remained sitting upright and held out for as long as 20 minutes before he finally cracked and gave in, feeling his back ache slightly. He tore his eyes from the television and crawled into bed the same way Jongin had.

 

A respectable distance was wedged between them as they laid side by side with fat pillows propping their backs up, but even then, Kyungsoo felt so unbelievably attuned to Jongin’s presence. His ears picked up Jongin’s steady breathing, and from the corner of his eye, he could see the older male’s chest rising and dipping. Every time someone in the movie did or said something funny and made Jongin smile or laugh, Kyungsoo would be unable to resist glancing towards him.

 

He didn’t know if Jongin noticed it or not, but if the older male did, he didn’t mention it. He only looked at Kyungsoo once, right before the started, and fate would have it that Kyungsoo was also looking at him in that moment. Their eyes met; Jongin smiled, Kyungsoo’s chest tightened, then the second-hand of the clock moved and the moment was over.

 

As the credits scene came on, Jongin leaned forward to stretch. He cracked his knuckles.

 

“Was it good?”

 

Jongin’s presence was distracting, but it wasn’t the only reason why Kyungsoo couldn’t immerse himself in the movie. He saw no reason to lie about it.

 

“It was lame,” he muttered bluntly. “I didn’t like it much.”

 

To his surprise, Jongin laughed. He laughed like Kyungsoo was one of the characters in the movie and had said something funny.

 

“I realized that the plot was pretty stupid halfway through,” Jongin admitted as well, repaying Kyungsoo’s honesty with his own. “But I just wanted to watch a movie with you.”

 

His frankness made the air around them still, like the world had stopped spinning for a second. Kyungsoo lifted his gaze. There was only sincerity on Jongin’s face, and even though he didn’t doubt his words in the first place, seeing the older male’s earnest expression still made Kyungsoo feel better.

 

It felt as if someone had finally untangled the knot that had been resting in the pit of his stomach the entire day and he could breathe, he could forget things that had been weighing him down.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t reply verbally, but Jongin understood him enough to read his response. It was fascinating that sometimes it was the lack of words, the absence of a verbal explanation, that allowed them to better understand each other. So the older male didn’t press him to say anything.

 

“You want to watch another movie? I rented a few DVDs.”

 

At that, Kyungsoo lifted his shoulders into a shrug.

 

“Sure,” he agreed nonchalantly.

 

The second movie was halfway through when Kyungsoo felt something warm press against his arm. He looked and saw that it was Jongin’s arm, and couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight of their arms together for a suspiciously long time.

 

What happened to the distance between them? They must have started unknowingly leaning into each other some time into the movie, their bodies very naturally seeking for the source of warmth, seeking the other presence it felt.

 

They ended up watching three movies that night, oblivious to when the world grew quiet enough for them to hear each other’s rhythmic heartbeats. Kyungsoo sent Jongin off at the door after the older male declined his invitation to sleepover since he could just go to his parents’ house a few doors away.

 

“Be good, Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s gaze was gentle but his tone was firm when he said that, sounding like a much kinder version of his father instructing him to apologize for his rudeness a few hours ago.

 

He seemed to hesitate, then raised his hand high enough to ruffle Kyungsoo’s hair affectionately. The younger boy only looked up at him, at a complete loss for words.

 

As Kyungsoo watched Jongin’s receding back-view, watched him until he disappeared into the apartment he used to live in with his family, realized that Jongin was the only person who was capable of building bridges between them, getting through to him no matter what was going on. It didn’t surprise him one bit.

 

--

 

Reluctance.

 

Always, there was reluctance.

 

Like the night Jongin came over to his house and they watched three movies together, Kyungsoo stood at the door staring after Jongin’s back, staring long after the corridor was empty and the only thing he could hear was his heart thumping in his chest. He fought and prevailed against the temptation to dash across the corridor barefoot until he could ring the doorbell to Jongin’s apartment and be in his comforting presence again, but it seemed that his resolve had gotten rusty from the lack of use.

 

“Where are you living now?” Kyungsoo thought his question reeked of desperation, and was momentarily afraid that Jongin would be able to sense his reluctance to part as the older male drove him home after a nice dinner together.

 

“Hmm?” Jongin must have been lost in thoughts. He took way longer than normal reaction time to register Kyungsoo’s question. “Oh, somewhere near the office. It’s pretty near your university, actually. Probably within walking distance.”

 

Did the desperation or reluctance come first? Kyungsoo pondered over that. It could be that his reluctance to leave Jongin gave rise to the desperation to do anything to keep him around for just a while more, or it could also be that his desperation for Jongin made him reluctant to part from him.

 

Either way, there was only one thing he wanted.

 

“Take me to your house,” Kyungsoo requested, or if it could be considered as one when his tone was more befitting of one giving a command than asking for something.

 

Jongin heard him at first instant this time. He looked at him. “You want to come to my house?”

 

“I do,” Kyungsoo replied immediately.

 

The older male glanced at the time. “It’s getting pretty late, though. Don’t you have school tomorrow?” Even in the midst of questioning Kyungsoo, trying to test his determination, Jongin was already getting ready to make a U-turn. Their initial destination was only one street away, and Kyungsoo internally heaved a sigh of relief when the car turned around.

 

As the vehicle started on the route to Jongin’s house, the strangest paradox struck Kyungsoo— the further away he was from home, the closer he was to it. Home wasn’t just a place to him anymore, it was a person.

 

“I do,” Kyungsoo remembered to answer Jongin’s question. “But it doesn’t matter. It’s not like I have to be in bed by 10pm, hyung.” His voice, dripping with sarcasm, cracked the older male up.

 

“Hmm, you’re a big boy now, Kyungsoo.”

 

“I’m a man, hyung.”

 

“I’m not quite sure about that. I visited your parents today and heard that you broke their favourite vase just a few days ago. I’m not sure if real men break vases.”

 

“Hyung, you’re really asking for it.”

 

Their bantering went on until they arrived at the apartment Jongin lived in. Kyungsoo took in the tall, grey building with security guards at the entrance and raised his eyebrows.

 

“Looks expensive,” he remarked, already unbuckling his seatbelt.

 

“It is,” Jongin acknowledged it. He parked the car neatly and Kyungsoo let himself out of the vehicle, inhaling a generous amount of the crisp night air. Jongin joined him outside and the car’s headlights flashed once, locked. “Let’s go.”

 

The place Jongin now called home was on the sixteenth floor. Kyungsoo wasn’t expecting a mess or anything like that, he knew Jongin had always been rather organized, but he was still taken aback when Jongin keyed in the passcode and the door gave way to a spotless apartment.

 

They stepped into the living room. There was everything one would expect to see in a living room—a couch, a coffee table, a television, and Kyungsoo found himself drawn to the large glass window overlooking the city. He walked there, and was surprised once again by how small everything looked when he thought that the sixteenth floor wasn’t that high up. Flecks of fluorescent light were scattered around what he thought resembled a dark canvas, tiny people moving in the distance, going about doing their business. He could see the familiar buildings of his university from here, so Jongin was right about it being within walking distance after all.

 

“Nice view, huh?” Jongin’s voice made Kyungsoo lift his gaze from the world below them. He didn’t have to turn around to see the older male since the entire room was reflected on the window. Jongin was only standing a few feet behind him, and his eyes were trained on Kyungsoo.

 

“Real nice,” Kyungsoo agreed, referring to both the view and the apartment. There wasn’t anything out of place, then it occurred to Kyungsoo that Jongin had only been here for a few days.

 

“I’m going to go take a shower, so make yourself comfortable. There are drinks in the refrigerator and the remote control is on the couch if you get bored.”

 

Kyungsoo plopped right down on the couch, making a show of how comfortable he was in this apartment he had never been to. It made Jongin laugh, but it gave him an ease of mind and he disappeared into the bedroom.

 

When the older male reappeared, dressed down in a navy T-shirt and grey sweatpants, Kyungsoo was about to shove a handful of chips from the half-empty packet he found in the fridge down his throat. His hand halted movement, stopping right before his open mouth, as he absorbed what was standing in front of him.

 

Jongin had obviously been working out. He had always been fit, but his body was in an even greater condition than Kyungsoo remembered it to be. His muscles were taut, his biceps showing nicely as he wiped his damp hair dry with a towel.

 

“I see you found my chips,” Jongin observed aloud, his neat rows of teeth showing in his smile.

 

Kyungsoo remembered what he was doing. He delivered the chips into his mouth, chewed quickly, and swallowed.

 

“Hope you don’t mind,” he managed to croak.

 

Jongin rolled his eyes playfully. “Saying that when you’re already eating it? You sure have gotten sly, Kyungsoo.” He tossed the towel into his room, probably on his bed, and settled down comfortably on the couch beside Kyungsoo. “Do you want to watch a movie? I’ve been meaning to watch this one, but I haven’t really gotten around to doing it. Should go for it now that I have someone to watch it with.”

 

As if Kyungsoo could possibly reject Jongin’s proposal when he smelled so good, looked so at home beside him. He nodded, the older male’s smile grew wider, and the movie was on.

 

They shared the remaining bit of chips between them, but really, Jongin could have taken it all and Kyungsoo wouldn’t have minded, wouldn’t even have so much as noticed because he was too caught up in mindfulness of Jongin’s arm pressed against his, of Jongin’s sweet laughter, of Jongin’s presence. Right now, their spheres of existence were connected.

 

“Hey, Kyungsoo?” Jongin suddenly said, probably having thought of something.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You’re welcome to stay at my house if it’s more convenient for you this way. It takes you a while to travel to school from home, doesn’t it?”

 

Kyungsoo’s heart slammed against his ribcage.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be cool.”

 

“There’s a spare bedroom anyway, you can take it.”

 

Jongin was talking like it was a certainty that Kyungsoo would move in, and Kyungsoo wondered if he knew that he never had a choice, never had to think when it came to him.

 

“Alright.”

 

They continued watching the movie in silence after that, enjoying the thrilling action and great sound effects. It was when Jongin started laughing at a verbal pun the female lead made (one Kyungsoo found completely unfunny and what his younger self would have described as lame), that the memory of the night they sat in Kyungsoo’s bed and watched three movies in one go came to mind again.

 

That night, it was through Jongin’s laughter that Kyungsoo first grasped just how much Jongin meant to him. He had always known it, always thought of Jongin as important, but it was an individual lucid thought that enfolded him and allowed him to better understand. Uncannily, it was also through the same laughter despite the seven years lapse that Kyungsoo saw how goddamn important Jongin was to him for the last time.

 

He couldn’t grasp it in his hands—there was no way he could, not with the way he loved him. So much, so unbelievably and absurdly much, so irrevocably and dangerously much, that as Jongin continued laughing at something Kyungsoo couldn’t see the humour in, he knew that he never ever wanted to be apart from Jongin again.

 

Kyungsoo loved him, really did, with all of his heart.

 

His feelings had not changed, they had only grown stronger, and it was apparent that they would never stray. There was no way something that had lasted this long would simply stop and vanish. Kyungsoo loved Jongin so much, and seeing Jongin laugh like that was enough to draw out his own smile, laughter.

 

“Funny, isn’t it?” Jongin stupidly asked, thinking that Kyungsoo was laughing at the same thing as he was.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t answer.

 

By the time the movie ended, Kyungsoo’s entire body was leaning against Jongin’s—no, their bodies were leaning against each other, like there was no other way of support. Perhaps there wasn’t.

 

Be good.

 

Kyungsoo yawned lazily as Jongin flicked the remote at the television and the screen went dark. For this man with an unfathomable sense of humour, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do.

 

--

 

First-time camper Kyungsoo at age fourteen was really enjoying this experience more than he thought he would, and not just because he was here with Jongin. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the majestic fire, it was so incredibly full of life, the flames dancing and leaping, crackling, fire embers shooting towards heaven.

 

Often, people associated fire with heat and destruction, but as the light from the fire lit up Kyungsoo’s eyes, all he could think about was life and vitality.

 

“Hyung, can I ask you something?”
 

Jongin was biting into a sausage at that time. He swallowed it in a hurry before responding.

 

“Anything.”

 

Kyungsoo still didn’t look away from the flames. He didn’t have to. For a really fleeting second, he thought he saw Jongin’s face in the fire smiling radiantly at him. It was probably in his mind’s eye. At any given moment, Kyungsoo could conjure the image of a smiling Jongin.

 

“Why did you choose to do this with me?”

 

“You said you’ve never gone camping,” Jongin answered simply, not seeing that there was more to Kyungsoo’s question.

 

“No, not just that. Why do you continue to hang out with me when I’m just a kid? You don’t have a lot of fun with me, do you?” There was nothing in Kyungsoo’s tone to indicate that he was sad about this, or wanted the older male to answer in a specific way. He was only stating the truth they were clearly aware of.

 

With an of ten years, Kyungsoo didn’t understand what the currently twenty-four year old Jongin saw in him. He didn’t know why he still bothered coming over to his house and spending time with him. Sometimes he wondered if it was because Jongin felt obligated to, and a pair of steel hands would grip his throat tightly at the thought of that, so he wanted to get to the bottom of this for once and for all.

 

No matter what Jongin’s answer was, Kyungsoo was sure that he would be able to take it now. He was staring at something so beautiful and there wasn’t a better time than right now to hear something that could potentially break his heart.

 

There was no response for the longest time, but Kyungsoo still refused to look up. He perked his ears, listening intently to his surroundings, and picked up the sounds of Jongin’s movements. His footsteps came nearer and nearer from where he was initially seated opposite Kyungsoo, until all Kyungsoo had to do to touch him was reach out.

 

“I don’t know what made you think that way.” Jongin sat down beside him so they could admire the fire alongside each other. “But that’s not the way it is, Kyungsoo.”

 

“Don’t lie to me,” Kyungsoo told him.

 

“I can’t drink or party when I’m with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have fun. You always make me feel like I’m coming home, and it’s a really wonderful feeling. Probably because I watched you grow up. I don’t know.”

 

It wasn’t always that Jongin would respond with uncertainty to Kyungsoo’s questions. His hyung was so smart, he always seemed to have an answer to everything. Hearing Jongin say that he didn’t know was a change, but it was one that Kyungsoo didn’t mind.

 

Jongin thought of him as home. That confession laid a blanket of calm over his heart, smothering the insecurities he tried to suffocate himself with. He finally took his eyes away from the fire, only now learning that he had really been avoiding Jongin’s gaze, he had been afraid despite what he had been telling himself.

 

The older male was looking at him with a smile, as always.

 

It could have been a lie. Jongin had always been astute, especially sensitive to the feelings of the other people. There was no way he would ever hurt anyone if given a choice. Certainly, there was a possibility that Jongin was just saying that because he didn’t want to upset Kyungsoo.

 

If that was so, all Kyungsoo could think about while staring at Jongin’s smiling face was that he would have to be a very good liar to pull that off, the best goddamn liar in this entire world.

 

This was also the night Kyungsoo learned of a secret he would continue to carry for many years to come. As he watched the older male bustle around keeping their cooking equipment through the gap of the half-zipped tent door, a question came to mind.

 

Were his feelings for Jongin simply platonic and did his love for him go nothing beyond one for a brother?

 

The truth was, he knew the answer to that question the moment it surfaced. But Kyungsoo shut his eyes, wanting to put it off until at least daylight. He’d confront it again by daylight.

 

It was, after all, a heavy secret, one that began when Kyungsoo started to care too much about what Jongin thought of him, how Jongin’s day went, everything Jongin did and said.

 

Maybe if he thought hard enough, he would be able to pinpoint the exact moment his heart decided that Jongin wasn’t merely a brother figure in his life—but really, Kyungsoo was comfortable with believing that he had loved Jongin all along.

 

--

 

“Hyung. something really big happened today.”

 

Jongin barely looked up from his laptop, still typing away. But his head was tilted slightly towards Kyungsoo, indicating that he was listening. The younger male felt a little bad for disturbing him, but he had been doing work on his laptop the moment he arrived at the apartment Jongin had assured him he was free to call home and he just couldn’t wait anymore.

 

“Someone asked me out.”

 

That made Jongin finally look up, his eyes wide. His reading glasses had slid slightly down his nose bridge, which should make him look like an old man, yet it just made him look so incredibly y that Kyungsoo forgot what he wanted to say for a second.

 

“Someone asked you out?”

 

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo affirmed that, thankful that Jongin had reminded him of the present topic. “I don’t really know her, though. All we ever say to each other is hi and bye.”

 

“So what did you do?”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t bring this up for nothing. He wasn’t trying to brag about it. In fact, even Joonmyun and Sehun didn’t know about the confession he received this afternoon. There was only one reason he was telling Jongin about it now and it was not a heart-to-heart talk or anything like that. He wasn’t even trying to ask for advice—it made Kyungsoo feel like he was walking on a tightrope with his heart in his throat.

 

He didn’t think he had ever focused so hard on anything. Jongin’s face had always been an open book to him even if it wasn’t to the rest of the world, and as Kyungsoo tried to read his favorite book, started to pray fervently that he was wrong and that a few years without proper communication had left Jongin no longer readable to him.

 

There wasn’t anything he was looking for. Kyungsoo didn’t know what exactly it was that he wanted to see—shock, fear, jealousy, the exact same way he would react if Jongin told him that he was seeing someone right now, the exact same way he had once reacted to that sort of news in the past. Jongin was smiling from ear to ear, and no matter how much Kyungsoo tried to tell himself not to be taken in by that smile, he knew Jongin’s face displayed none of what he had been hoping to see.

 

Genuine happiness. It was evident Jongin was sincerely happy for him, anticipating his answer.

 

Kyungsoo promptly deflated, felt all the strength leaving his body without any warning. He dropped his head, eager not to appear too obviously disappointed. There was a loose thread on the hem of his shirt and he tugged at it, watching it unravel rapidly.

 

“I told her I’ll think about it.”

 

“Do you like her?”

 

“Um.” The sudden question caught Kyungsoo off guard. He wasn’t expecting Jongin to pursue the matter. “I don’t know.”

 

Lies would only end up snowballing. Kyungsoo bit down on his bottom lip. The truth was he turned her down on the spot. He could be indecisive at times, especially when it came to food, but his heart had never stuttered when it came to Jongin. His love for him was at maximum capacity. There was no space for anyone else.

 

Fortunately, the older male dropped that topic, sensing Kyungsoo’s reluctance to go on. He probably thought that Kyungsoo was still thinking it through and didn’t want to pry further when he wasn’t ready yet.

 

“You have to tell me all about it, okay? I don’t want to miss hearing these things from you again.”

 

The silence after that felt a little strange after Kyungsoo had gotten so used to hearing the sound of Jongin’s fingers drumming on his keyboard. He nodded and broke the eye contact thereafter, not wanting Jongin to see his expression.

 

Jongin turned back to his laptop, and the lack of conversation allowed Kyungsoo to start working on his project too, albeit his heart was heavy with disappointment the rest of the time he remained in that apartment.

 

(Except that he should have persisted slightly longer; perhaps the slight frown Jongin’s face twisted into, almost imperceptible, was exactly what he was looking for.)

 

--

 

The last time Kyungsoo felt his heart sink to the pit of his belly like this was when Jongin failed to come back and celebrate his birthday with him because he had some urgent last-minute matters he needed to attend to. Then fourteen-year-old Kyungsoo acted nonchalant, but he really felt like .

 

This time, as Kyungsoo watched Jongin pulled out the chair for the girl he introduced as his girlfriend, didn’t know what to feel about the fact that it was the same person making him feel this way again one year later.

He looked at her face while she greeted the adults at the dining table and introduced herself. She was decidedly pretty with big, double-lidded eyes, a sharp nose and shoulder-length wavy hair. Her smile was sweet—sickeningly sweet. It made Kyungsoo look away when her gaze finally landed on him. The prettier she was, the more he hated her.

“Hi, Kyungsoo. I’ve heard so much about you.” So-eun seemed genuinely excited to meet him, but Kyungsoo couldn’t bring himself to appreciate her feelings, much less reflect them with his own.

He didn’t react. There was a long silence and he imagined everyone exchanging looks, and Jongin probably looking at him, but it soon passed when Jongin’s father said something about the food looking so delicious that he couldn’t believe his wife had cooked it and So-eun laughing in response.

Why did he decide to come over to Jongin’s house today? Much worse, why did they invite him to stay for dinner when Jongin was bringing his girlfriend over? This, however, wasn’t a completely out-of-the-blue matter. Jongin did confide in him about having a girl he was rather interested in but Kyungsoo had brushed it off and refused to talk about it, convinced that it would eventually pass and nothing would come out of it.

Except something did come out of it, and he was sitting directly opposite the girl Jongin was talking about.

He picked up his chopsticks and started eating after everyone else, keeping his eyes trained on the food the entire time. His plan was to finish it as quickly as possible without choking to death and then getting the hell out of this stupid place where Jongin’s stupid girlfriend wouldn’t stop laughing and goddamn, she was annoying.

“Kyungsoo, have some meat too.” So-eun really wasn’t the sort to give up, apparently. She must have been paying attention to him for some reason, which Kyungsoo thought was likely because she knew that Jongin was fond of him and she wanted to get on his good side.

Well, that wasn’t going to happen.

“I’ll get it myself.” Kyungsoo said flatly when he saw her pick up a few slices of the braised meat with her chopsticks, wanting to deliver it to his plate.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to be shy.”

This made Kyungsoo look up at her. Her hair was tucked behind her ears and she was smiling, arm outstretched. For just a fraction of a second, he glanced over at Jongin who was beside her, and saw that he was looking at him too.

Kyungsoo suddenly felt like a trapped animal in a cage, some kind of freak show in the circus nobody could look away from. Heat rose, anger taking full advantage of the situation.

“I said I’ll get it myself! I’m not a goddamn baby. I don’t need you to do it for me.” His tone came out sounding so harsh that he felt almost sorry, but when the sight of So-eun and Jongin sitting side by side greeted him again, the remorse dissipated.

She looked shell-shocked at his sudden outburst. Her arm was still outstretched, and she retracted it slowly. Nobody was doing anything to defuse the growing tension, and it was Kyungsoo who decided it was all too much.

He didn’t want to sit here and ruin everything. He didn’t want to make Jongin think badly of him. He didn’t want to see Jongin with someone else. It was all too much. He stood up, the chairs of his legs screeching as they were dragged against the floor with such abrupt force.

“I’m done.” Kyungsoo went back to keeping his head bowed. His fists were clenched. “Thank you for the meal. I’ll leave first.”

He never looked back, didn’t want to. Breathing came easy again once he was on the other side of the door where his own house was if he just walked down the corridor. He took the lift down instead, and didn’t stop walking until he was standing along the bridge by the river.


It was a comforting place to be at. Kyungsoo found that being near water always made him feel calmer. Moreover, the quietness of the night only deepened the effect it had on him, and within seconds, he was already feeling much better than when he was sitting in direct vision of Jongin and his girlfriend.

Many thoughts passed through his head as he stood there alone with his eyes fixed on the darkness. They were too loud for him to actually hear anything, fathom what was going through him, but he knew they all had to do with Jongin. His heart was breaking— that, he would admit if anyone asked.

Ever since the night he discovered that his feelings for Jongin crossed the boundary of platonic love, he had been all torn up about it. They were, after all, ten years apart. He wasn’t even sixteen yet. There was no way Jongin would look at him the same way when he couldn’t even look into his eyes and declare himself to be a man, to be on equal footing with Jongin.

He knew he owed everyone an apology. He’d do it the following morning. Apologize and say that he was just moody. Now, all he wanted was to be alone. And alone he remained for long enough. At least over an hour had passed when he was joined by another presence on the bridge.

Kyungsoo identified it as Jongin the moment he heard his footsteps. His soul just knew. There was always a way of sensing when Jongin was around. How could he not?

He didn’t have to look beside him for confirmation, not when he felt a scarf being wrapped loosely around his neck. The breeze carried Jongin’s cologne with it, wafting to his nose. The weather was turning cold and Jongin was here to make sure he stayed warm and comfortable.

Then the older male leaned forward, resting his weight on the railings. He too was gazing into the darkness below them, not saying a word. There was no tension between them despite this glaring silence, completely unlike the atmosphere earlier. Kyungsoo

wanted to ask if their dinner had ended, but didn’t really want to be the first to speak, so he held it in and made a mental note to do it later on.

Minutes ticked by with them standing side by side without exchanging a single word or glance. Kyungsoo wasn’t surprised that Jongin knew where to find him because they used to take walks together and this was always where they would stop for a breather. This was as much of Jongin’s healing place as it was Kyungsoo’s.

When the night grew deep enough for hearts to soften effortlessly, Jongin put an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders.

“Ready to go home?”

The guilt came tumbling in all at once. It made Kyungsoo weak in the knees, hardly able to remember how to support himself anymore as he gripped the railings so hard his knuckles turned white. He could only trust that Jongin would hold on to him if his legs really gave way.

“Yeah.”

“Feel better?”

It was both a blessing and curse that Jongin understood him this well. To be able to stand in silence with someone and yet still be connected to each other was a wonderful feeling Kyungsoo believed he would never find with anyone else.

Yet, there was the irony that Jongin was oblivious to his feelings despite knowing him inside-out.

“Yeah. Did your dinner end already?”

“So-eun is probably still at my place.” Jongin glanced down at his watch. “I was worried about you.”

His words were like a punch to the guts. Kyungsoo didn’t know if he should feel pleased that Jongin was so concerned that he left his girlfriend behind to come after him or mad

at himself that all he did was remind everyone how much of a kid he really was, unable to handle his emotions like a mature person.

“I’m fine. You should head back.”

The hand on his shoulder tightened and Jongin gave him an encouraging squeeze. “Not without you.”
There was completely no sign of reproach or annoyance on Jongin’s face. He just looked tranquil as he always did. It could be that the night breeze soothed him, but Kyungsoo knew he was never mad at him.

That was the first time Kyungsoo ever felt the urge to tell Jongin about how he felt. It didn’t matter that he was only fifteen. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to reach out and hold Jongin’s face, tell him that he was in love with him. That he didn’t want to see him with anyone else, that he was so jealous it drove him mad.

But the person standing by his side wasn’t someone he thought he deserved yet. Jongin looked especially handsome tonight wearing a pink button-down shirt, denim jeans and his soft hair falling freely across his forehead. There was still a lot Kyungsoo needed to do to catch up.

So instead of telling Jongin about how he felt, all he did was nod.

He let Jongin lead him back home. The older male’s arm remained around his shoulders the entire time, and Kyungsoo took the opportunity to lean into him, his way of apologizing to Jongin for his outburst as well.

They stopped outside Kyungsoo’s door. Jongin put his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulders and the latter wasn’t too proud of the fact that he had to crane his neck to look up at Jongin. There was still a lot of catching up to do, both physically and mentally. Jongin’s expression was one of concern now.

“You know you can always talk to me about anything, right?”


Not certain things, Kyungsoo wanted to say. “I know,” he answered through gritted teeth.

The older male smiled, his nose crinkling. “Okay. Let’s go watch a movie tomorrow. Be ready by 11am.”

Usually, Kyungsoo would have just said goodbye and then parted coolly. But not today. Not when he knew who Jongin was going back to after this. Jongin’s grip loosened, his hands falling away, and the sudden absence of physical contact made Kyungsoo reach forward, his fingers closing around Jongin’s bigger hand.

“Um.”

Jongin’s fingers were longer and slightly calloused, but they were warm, and Kyungsoo really couldn’t bring himself to let go even though his ears were already red.

He racked his brains trying to think of something he could tell Jongin, ask him, anything that would prolong their time right now. Through it all, Jongin just stood there patiently and waited. It turned out to be a fruitless wait. Kyungsoo’s mind was still a blank and he dropped his gaze, focusing on their connected hands instead.

“See you tomorrow, hyung.” Then it happened.
One moment he was staring at Jongin’s pretty fingers and feeling like the biggest idiot alive, and the next he was engulfed in Jongin’s warm embrace, the side of his face pressed against the older male’s chest.

He felt fingers weaving through his hair and all he could do was close his eyes, his heartbeat erratic and his breath impossible to catch. Jongin smelled so nice. He had grown so used to the scent of this cologne, but right now, it was starting to make him feel a little lightheaded. Or maybe it was the physical contact; being in Jongin’s arms and all.


“I’ll always be here for you no matter what happens, Kyungsoo, and I mean it. Go back and get some rest. You’ll feel better when tomorrow comes.”

Kyungsoo had to force himself to let go, step away. He gripped his door handle. “Good night, hyung.”
“Good night.”

He didn’t doubt that Jongin knew something was wrong. He had never felt so blue in his life and he was certain Jongin could see that, but he wondered if the older male would still react in the same manner if he knew what exactly was bothering him.

The door shut out Jongin. Sleep didn’t come easy that night as Kyungsoo laid awake tossing and turning in bed, wondering what he had to do to catch up with Jongin, become someone good enough for him already. He wanted to be the one Jongin could lean on too.

--

Kyungsoo’s grip on his pen tightened without meaning to when he heard the familiar beeping coming from the door, the sentence he was writing halfway through lost to the thought of Jongin being just a few steps away right now.

He didn’t even try to hide how quickly his head jerked up when the door clicked open. Then came the sound of shoes being kicked off and barely a second later, Jongin’s figure appeared in the living room, looking so very mature in his office attire.

“Oh, hey, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo had texted him earlier to tell him that he was coming over to his apartment, but Jongin must have forgotten about it, because his face lit up when he saw the younger male settled in front of his coffee table with his notes scattered all over the wooden surface.

“Hyung.”

“Deadlines coming up?” Jongin loosened his tie as he swept his gaze across the mini mess Kyungsoo had created.

“You know, hyung, it’s stupid how I just won’t learn from my mistakes.” Kyungsoo released his pen midair. It hit the table with a clang that went ignored as he stretched his arms above his head. “Procrastination is a deadly disease.”

The older male chuckled, his low laughter seeping into Kyungsoo’s ears, heart, filling him up with a delicious warmth that he took his time savouring while feasting upon the sight of Jongin looking so painfully handsome.

There were 10 years between them—that was something Kyungsoo knew he could never try to deny. It was a long time. When he was younger, he was determined to work hard on catching up with Jongin, both physically and mentally. After all, it was Jongin who told him that there wasn’t anything he couldn’t achieve as long as he really put all he had into that goal. Yet, as twenty-year-old Kyungsoo watched Jongin undo the first few buttons of his dress-shirt and unshackle his belt, didn’t know how to deal with the knowledge that the man he had spent so many years chasing after was still out of his league.

He always would be.

Jongin, oblivious to the storm of emotions stirring in Kyungsoo’s chest, aggravated the situation by running his fingers through his meticulously gelled hair, disheveling it slightly. Now he looked a little more like home and less like the outside world. His hand fell to his side with Kyungsoo’s attentive eyes following his every movement, every rise and dip of his chest as he breathed, catching every single word his low voice carried, unbelievably attuned to Jongin’s very presence.

“You wouldn’t believe how much I procrastinate too even at this age.”

His words made Kyungsoo laugh dryly. He didn’t like it when Jongin drew emphasis to how much older he was, stretching the distance between them, but Jongin’s eyes were

playful and they lingered on his for long enough to make Kyungsoo’s mind go blank again.

“I’ll go take a shower. You work hard on this.” Jongin finally said after a long silence. He didn’t look at all put off by Kyungsoo’s reticence, and instead, tossed another smile towards the younger male before disappearing into his bedroom.

Productivity was nothing more than a beautiful illusion whenever Jongin was around. Kyungsoo’s mind had long stopped focusing on his work, from the exact moment Jongin returned home, and when the older male emerged from the shower, Kyungsoo knew he was not getting any more work done, at least not tonight.

He watched Jongin move around his apartment comfortably with a towel draped around his neck to soak up the water droplets dripping from his damp hair. It could be entirely because of the fact that they were both males, but Jongin seemed to have no qualms about walking around without a shirt. It didn’t surprise Kyungsoo. He knew Jongin developed the habit of going topless after puberty, and he had seen his hyung’s half- body many times, but the situation had never felt as tense as it did now.

Jongin really had been working out. Kyungsoo wondered how often he visited the gym, if exercise was what he used to fill the void inside him whenever he felt empty and missed home. His muscular body made Kyungsoo feel a little self-conscious about his own, but his mind was too preoccupied with other matters to pay too much attention to that, so Kyungsoo stared shamelessly. The wristband of Jongin’s grey sweatpants was hanging pretty low on his hips, making it even more impossible to look away, and the ease with which he carried himself spoke plainly of confidence that could only come with age and experience.

When he finally noticed Kyungsoo’s intense gaze on him, the bottle of water he had been drinking from was already empty. He crushed the plastic and dumped it into the wastebin, taking his time to address what he had discovered.

The room suddenly felt like it was too small to enclose the both of them. Kyungsoo was hit by a sudden claustrophobia with the surrounding walls seemingly starting to cave in

on them when the older male angled his body fully towards him, one hand placed on the kitchen counter.

“Do you need my help?”

Kyungsoo still couldn’t look away. It would be a lie to say that Jongin still looked like the person in his childhood memories, but he had aged really well. There were crow’s feet around his eyes from the smile that hung on his face perpetually and Kyungsoo thought they were the cutest thing ever as Jongin approached him, his lips curling into yet another smile.

Had his eyes always been so gentle? It must have been those eyes that attracted little Kyungsoo in the very first place. Someone with such gentle eyes would never be capable of hurting him, at least not intentionally.

“No, it’s fine. I can do this on my own.”

Jongin dried his hair haphazardly with the towel and dropped himself onto the couch Kyungsoo was sitting in a cross-legged position and leaning his back against. He felt it sink under the older male’s weight and stiffened. Jongin’s bare body was so close to him—all he wanted to do was reach back, sink his fingers into his tanned skin, get a physical affirmation of his presence.

But Kyungsoo held himself back well enough.

He didn’t look back even though he wanted to so badly, ached for it. “I’ll keep you company then.”

So cruel. Did Jongin even know what he was doing to him? Kyungsoo’s teeth dug harshly into his bottom lip, feeling like he was about to be driven out of his mind anytime now. He was startled from his thoughts when Jongin’s arm reached past him to grab a book that had been lying undisturbed on the corner of the table, and in order to reciprocate the older male’s good intentions, he pulled himself together enough to shift his attention back to his work again.


From then on, nothing was heard but the scritching of pen against paper and Jongin’s occasional yawns. Kyungsoo even grew comfortable with it; still hyper-aware of Jongin’s presence behind him, but no longer as mindful or bothered.

It was nearly an hour later when Kyungsoo added the full-stop to his last sentence, satisfied that he had managed to finish this assignment. He set his pen down and rubbed his eyes, sleepy. The older male was already one step ahead of him when he spun around, finally had an excuse to do so without raising any suspicion.

Jongin was asleep on the couch. He was on his back, the book he was reading lying half-open on his stomach. His face was so incredibly serene and Kyungsoo in a deep breath. His heart felt tender as he gazed down lovingly at the unguarded state the older male had allowed himself to fall into. No matter how many years had passed or what had changed about Jongin’s face, it was indisputable that he remained as beautiful as ever in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

His beauty was practically ethereal, so unreal that it drove Kyungsoo to act without first rationalizing his desire. Before he could even think about the consequences, his fingers were already cupping the side of Jongin’s face. The older male remained peacefully asleep like he didn’t mind Kyungsoo’s touch at all.

In an instant, Kyungsoo let his feelings get the better of him. He couldn’t stop his affection from consuming him whole; it ran too deep and inexorably for him to exert any form of control over it. It wasn’t like himself to do what he did next, yet Kyungsoo could, to an undeniable extent, say that he was being true to himself when he leaned down and left a kiss on Jongin’s cheek. It was every bit as soft and warm as he had remembered it to be. In fact, his memories hadn’t done it justice.

Jongin still didn’t stir. He laid perfectly still, his eyelids fluttering slightly—enough to surprise Kyungsoo, but not enough to make him believe that he had awakened Jongin with such a light kiss. Anyhow, he couldn’t bring himself to care now. His heart was out of control—thrashing wildly against his ribcages and threatening havoc.

Electricity buzzed through his veins. He felt amazing. The world seemed to be bathed in pink light and he couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t look away from the face he had just planted a kiss on. This was the person he had fallen deeply in love with, tried to forget, failed miserably. Sleeping right by his side.

What else was Kyungsoo to do?

He rested his head on his arm, Jongin’s face filling the entirety of his vision. He thought about how good Jongin had looked in his office attire. Now, how good Jongin looked when he was dressed-down and in a state not many would get to see. How could there possibly be anyone he would love more than this person?

His heart started aching with desperation again. How much he wanted Jongin could drive him out of his mind, but Kyungsoo was content with what he had right now. At least Jongin was within his reach. There was still a little bit of chasing he had to do, but he had been doing that for so long now, it was already becoming a second nature.

Jongin being by his side like right now was enough to satisfy Kyungsoo for tonight. He didn’t shut his eyes until his vision started to blur, eyes dry from too many late nights in a row.

If he could be lulled to sleep by the sound of Jongin’s steady breathing every night, he would gladly chase after him for the rest of his life. It wasn’t bad—not at all. After all, he would be so lost without Jongin.

--

Their faces were so close. Jongin could feel the warmth of Kyungsoo’s breath. He didn’t even know how they ended up in this situation—Kyungsoo had stood up and cupped his face in his hands without warning.

Maybe the alcohol was slowly getting to him too and he couldn’t quite bring himself to look away, elsewhere, anywhere but back into Kyungsoo’s wide eyes. They were glistening, growing shinier by the second, and by the time Jongin realized that something was off, he heard what confirmed his suspicion.


“Jongin.”

Kyungsoo had never called him by his name alone.

Silence weaved through the air afterwards, giving them enough time to register what had just happened. People were staring, Jongin could feel their curious gazes burning into him. But Kyungsoo’s hands were so soft against his cheeks and it would seem too cruel to ask him to let go right now, especially when there was such an intense look of pain in the younger male’s eyes.

A strange feeling took hold of Jongin then. The ten years difference between them meant that he was and had always been the one taking care of Kyungsoo, but with the way Kyungsoo was gazing up at him, it somehow felt like Jongin been mistaken all along. It must have happened somewhere along the way, as Kyungsoo grew older and more capable of handling himself, the feasibility of a role reversal grew.

“Let’s go somewhere quieter. There’s something I need to tell you.” Kyungsoo’s breath reeked of alcohol, yet the intensity of his gaze made it clear that he knew very well what he was doing at this point. There was no need to question his decision.

Jongin had never been good at saying no to him anyway. “Okay. Let’s go.”
He let Kyungsoo lean against him as he paid the bill, and throughout the entire walk back to where his car was parked across the street. The sight of the younger male staggering unsteadily was amusing and Jongin whipped his phone out of his pocket at one point, fully intending to immortalize that scene into a video, but decided against it when Kyungsoo looked at him long enough for him to catch a glimpse of his flushed face and knitted brows.

This wasn’t the usual Kyungsoo that he knew. There was something that was bothering him and Jongin hoped they would be able to get to the bottom of it tonight, because

despite the closeness of their relationship, the younger male had grown much more reserved with his feelings.

He helped Kyungsoo into the car and buckled him into his seat. The younger male was asleep before the door even closed, and a small indulgent smile slipped through Jongin’s lips. He lingered for a second, appreciating this cute image of Kyungsoo sleeping like a baby, an image he hadn’t seen for ages and wasn’t sure if he would again anytime soon.

It worried him too, that Kyungsoo was so deep in stupor, especially because he had just requested they go somewhere quieter to talk. Jongin really wanted to know what he had to say. It seemed like something important.

He drove around aimlessly for an hour or so, an experience he found therapeutic with the windows rolled down and the night breeze streaming steadily through. There was no way he could bring Kyungsoo back home in his current state without causing any unhappiness from his parents, so Jongin decided they would just stay outside until Kyungsoo was sober enough to walk himself into his apartment.

They eventually ended up at the bridge near their apartment. Jongin parked his car neatly by the curb and got out, feeling extremely relaxed. It must have been the combination of a nice dinner with someone he was so comfortable with and the soothing night breeze.

The railing was cool to the touch and Jongin slowly wrapped his fingers around it, projecting his gaze beyond the gentle stream beneath him, getting lost in thoughts. He had been here not too long ago, the night he brought his girlfriend home for dinner and Kyungsoo got upset for a reason he had still not yet revealed.

He took the time Kyungsoo needed to come back to his senses to organize his own thoughts as well, for the first time coming face to face with problems he had put off for long enough. It was a decidedly curious feeling, knowing that Kyungsoo was asleep in the car behind him while standing alone on the bridge, just musing. Having the younger

male around didn’t distract him one bit. In fact, his presence only evoked a deeper feeling of peace.

Kyungsoo found his way to him after long enough. His hair was cutely mussed and sticking out in all directions when a loud sniffle alerted Jongin that the younger male was finally up. He turned around slowly, coming face to face with Kyungsoo who had his eyes cast to the ground. It made him look so much like a little kid that Jongin’s heart clenched tightly for a moment. This could be because he had practically watched him grow up, but there was nothing Jongin wanted to do more than protect him with everything he had.

“Are you feeling okay?” Jongin asked gently. He reached out for Kyungsoo to come closer, but the younger male didn’t reciprocate. His gaze flickered up for a moment, long enough for Jongin to see his bloodshot eyes and know that he was still intoxicated, before he was looking at his feet again.

Feeling stupid, Jongin retracted his arm. He didn’t know what had come over Kyungsoo. It had gotten difficult to read him and he hated that. He didn’t want to be oblivious to Kyungsoo’s feelings, but there was no way he could get through to him if the younger male himself didn’t voluntarily open up.

It was up to Jongin to try.

“What was it that you wanted to talk about?” He started, hoping Kyungsoo remembered that at least.

The younger male’s shoulders tensed for a moment and that was how Jongin knew he remembered, knew that he was getting one secret out of him today. He watched the internal battle play out on Kyungsoo’s face. It was adorable how easy it was to read him when he was drunk. Kyungsoo frowned and bit down on his bottom lip, and when the storm passed, his expression eased into one of neutrality.

His face snapped up, and now Jongin could see determination in his wide eyes. Kyungsoo closed the distance between them with a few steps, and just as suddenly as

he had made his move at the roadside stall, he reached forward for Jongin’s hands. He took those slightly larger hands, studied those slightly calloused fingers, and held them between his own affectionately.

The words spilled through his lips effortlessly. There was no way he could have stopped them even if he didn’t mean to give Jongin a good look of his heart.

“Can I not call you ‘hyung’ anymore?” That honorific seemed to taste sour on Kyungsoo’s tongue. His nose scrunched up slightly. “Jongin, do you know how much I like you?”

Standing exposed in the moonlight, there was no way Jongin would have denied how his heart started beating faster if Kyungsoo had asked. Jongin would not have denied the feelings that were awakened as Kyungsoo reached up for his face again.

“I want to say don’t go. Please don’t go, Jongin. I like you.” Kyungsoo didn’t give Jongin time to respond, perhaps afraid of what he would hear, when he lowered his gaze again. This time he leaned right in pressed his face into the crooked of the older male’s neck. “I said I like you. So don’t go.”

--

When did Kyungsoo’s hand grow so big? Jongin could practically see those long slender fingers in his mind’s eyes, but that pretty image quickly burst like a bubble when the only sensation he could feel was the warmth being held against his cheek.

His natural instinct was to deny—what he suspected was impossible—but Kyungsoo’s equally warm breath fanned across his face and Jongin stopped resisting. The weight of Kyungsoo’s hand on his face felt strangely good; it made him feel anchored, held down to earth, protected from drifting too far away.

Before it had even been a minute, Jongin felt something even softer pressing against his cheek. His heart did a little somersault, the reason not entirely attributed to the unexpectedness of this sudden turn of events.

Kyungsoo’s lips on his cheek. Kyungsoo’s kiss on his face.

His eyelids fluttered, eyes almost opening, coming dangerously close to putting them in an awkward situation that would force secrets to be revealed and hearts to come clean. Fortunately, he was clearheaded enough to realize the consequences that would follow, and continued to feign sleep.

The chaste kiss lasted very briefly anyway. It ended while Jongin was still trying to calm his racing heart, and there was no explanation he could offer for the tinge of disappointment that left a slightly bitter taste on the tip of his tongue in his current state of clarity.

Then the pressure of Kyungsoo’s hand was gone too and it was the hardest damn thing ever for Jongin to just continue keeping his eyes closed. His self-control served him well enough, and after a long period had elapsed, long enough for him to be coaxed into believing it was alright to just take a quick look, he opened his eyes.

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly had not been Kyungsoo’s face in such close proximity. The younger male’s face was only a few inches away, and he looked so peacefully asleep that Jongin couldn’t help smiling. So much like a child.

He couldn’t look away either. There was something about Kyungsoo’s features that enchanted him so, mesmerized him, captivated him at this very moment. Really, when did he grow up? Kyungsoo still had chubby cheeks, but Jongin remembered when they used to be so much chubbier, when Kyungsoo used to be a chubby kid who would demand to be carried by Jongin every single time they saw each other.

His eyebrows were thick and nice, his eyelashes were so long, his lips were so full—this was a man at the prime of his youth that he was looking at, not a snotty kid whose tears came so easily. The person he had always thought of as a kid was all grown up now, that he had realized before today, but now there was a tinge of childlike innocence to Kyungsoo’s sleeping face and it made Jongin feel all warm inside.

Like coming home after a very long absence.


No matter how much bigger Kyungsoo grew, when it came to times like this, he would still always be Jongin’s little child.

When Jongin got tired of simply watching Kyungsoo sleep, he eased himself out of the couch and stretched, readying his muscles for some work. Kyungsoo wasn’t comfortably positioned, not with his head on the couch and his body leaned against it. But Jongin was going to fix that. He had been looking after Kyungsoo for so many years, and that wasn’t going to change. It came very naturally to him; his love and concern for this person.

Even if it hadn’t really hit him that Kyungsoo was all grown up now, the sheer weight of the said person would have woken Jongin up completely. Lifting Kyungsoo was no longer a breeze, and it was that much more challenging when he was also trying to avoid waking the sleeping beauty.

Initially Jongin stumbled, but once he had gotten a good hold of Kyungsoo, he in a deep breath before rising to his knees. He knew that Kyungsoo was still asleep—the younger male would never have allowed him to carry him bridal-style.

The walk back to the bedroom was relatively smooth. Jongin’s arms were slightly sore when he finally set Kyungsoo down on his bed, but the ache vanished into thin air without a trace when Kyungsoo rolled over onto his side, looking very comfortable.

Jongin pulled the blanket over Kyungsoo’s body, an indulgent smile playing on his lips the entire time.

He couldn’t help thinking that even though so many things had changed in the time they had spent apart, Kyungsoo had remained his constant after all. There were some things that would never change, and he was so incredibly glad that Kyungsoo was one of them.

(He wouldn't deny that Kyungsoo’s unchanged feelings for him proved too much of a comfort for its significance to be worth nothing.)

--

Kyungsoo knew something was off before he even opened his eyes. It must have been the familiar scent that woke him up, a sweet but masculine scent he had grown very fond of. Jongin’s scent.

The unfamiliar ceiling roused him further, his fog of sleepiness dissipating quickly. This wasn’t his home. He spent a good minute or two trying to figure out the answer to that question, and that was as long as it took for his memories to start filling his mind again.

He remembered doing his assignment and giving Jongin a kiss (that still made his heart skip a beat when he thought about it), and he must have fallen asleep afterwards. He was sure as hell he didn’t walk over to Jongin’s bed himself, so it must have been the older male himself who somehow transported him over without waking him up.

That realization made him jolt out of bed, and he was on his feet and running out of the bedroom in a second. The sight of the empty living room smacked him right in the face, and his voice seemed to resonate in the emptiness as he called out for Jongin. Besides his laptop and research papers stacked neatly on the table (courtesy of the older male), there was nothing to indicate anything unusual, nothing that would have proved last night wasn’t a dream.

Not entirely convinced, he took to circling the apartment, trying to catch any traces of Jongin. He knew he had probably gone out for work, but it still made him feel a little uneasy. Perhaps it was to do with not knowing what happened last night after he fell asleep, and his uneasiness was soothed only when he saw a glaringly obvious yellow post-it note on the refrigerator.

That had not been there last night, he knew for sure only because he had stolen Jongin’s ice cream.

The tip of his fingertips brushed the edge of the paper as he took in the scrawl of words.

sandwich in the fridge for breakfast! have a good day ☺

Only now did he allow himself to calm down. There was breakfast waiting for him in the refrigerator and Jongin’s apparent concern— it appeared all was fine.

Kyungsoo’s chest bubbled with warmth as he made his way back into the bedroom, feeling so relaxed after a good sleep. This felt good. Waking up in Jongin’s bed was nice. Walking around in Jongin’s house like he lived here felt amazing. It was certainly something he could get used to, could already feel himself getting used to, wanted to get used to.

He crawled right back into the unmade spot. The sheets were still warm from his presence and Jongin’s scent was still everywhere—this was the very image of bliss that Kyungsoo had seeked his entire life.

He really meant to just sleep in a little longer and relish in this sweet sensation of being in Jongin’s bed, but his young and active imagination seemed to have other plans. The images started off simple enough—Jongin smiling sweetly while basked in sunlight, Jongin taking a bite of his fried chicken, Jongin looking so seriously at the road ahead as he drove.

So there was no plausible explanation Kyungsoo could have come up with when his hand slid down his navel and past the waistband of his shorts. Then all he could see was Jongin standing right there completely if not for a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, his skin still glistening and his hair damp from his shower. Kyungsoo couldn’t take his eyes away from his gorgeously tanned skin, his muscular arms, his defined abs.

Jongin’s low voice reached his ears, saying nothing but his name, and Kyungsoo’s fingers curled around his hardening .

Up until now, all the images his mind had supplied came from his memory, but he needed more than that. His imagination got to work fairly quickly, providing what reality couldn’t, his eyes falling shut as Jongin gripped his arms, pushed him down onto the bed, touched him.

Jongin’s lips were soft and warm and they felt so damn good against his own. Even that was nothing compared to having Jongin’s large hand wrapped around his , pumping slowly, dragging out the process seemingly to stimulate Kyungsoo even further.

Kyungsoo’s head fell back as a small moan slipped through his lips. His back arched as the pace of Jongin’s movement increased. The older male kissed his neck and his breath tickled, but the friction around his was so incredible and Kyungsoo could do nothing but moan, silently beg for more.

It wasn’t until he actually vocalized his desire that Jongin grew bolder. He shifted south, leaving a trail of kisses down Kyungsoo’s trembling body and eventually coming far enough to take his fully erect and throbbing into his mouth.

Kyungsoo’s breath stalled for a moment. Jongin’s mouth was so wet and so warm, it was driving him out of his mind. The older male bobbed his head, torturously slowly at first, and picked up pace only when a small whimper from Kyungsoo gave him the confirmation he needed.

The smaller male did his part of dragging his out as long as he could afford to without losing his mind completely. He didn’t last very long, not with his considerably inexperienced libido and the fact that his self-control was non-existent when it came to Jongin.

Kyungsoo cried out when he came, not caring that he was soiling his pants, not caring that none of this was real. It was good while it lasted. The guilt only started setting in when the image of Jongin burst into flames, at the knowledge that he had done something so shameful on the older male’s bed.

Tears very nearly came to his eyes but Kyungsoo held it all back. He laid still, knowing that he should probably clean himself up soon but still wanting to hang on to the tendrils of this already disappearing dream.

He wondered what he was to do with his feelings for Jongin; the affection, the lust, the knowledge that no one in this world would ever come close to the place Jongin had in his heart.

--

There were many little things in the world that Jongin thought were charming, and this was one of them. Listening to the raindrops drum against his umbrella, the steady pitter- pattering in tune with the sloshing of his soaked shoes, thinking the world now must look so beautiful from above with so many umbrellas of various colours lighting up the boring grey streets.

He didn’t go out of his way to avoid the puddles scattered around, and in fact became increasingly drawn to them as his shoes became completely soaked from the rain. He went out of his way to step into them, jump right into them, feeling a sense of cheap thrill rush through his veins at such a childlike act.

His car was at the workshop and he felt the sudden impulse to bask in this cozy weather, which led to him going against the direction of the subway instead of towards it. He was going nowhere, just wandering aimlessly with an umbrella over his head, watching people pass by, watching cars whizz by, and enjoying it—until the phone call from Kyungsoo.

He said he was driving his parents’ car, he said he wanted to come pick Jongin up because it was raining and he knew his car was at the workshop. Walking alone in this weather was really nice, but the thought of spending time with Kyungsoo in this weather was even nicer, so Jongin agreed without much hesitation.

The fact that Kyungsoo now had a driving license really shouldn’t have been surprising since Jongin applied for his own license when he was around Kyungsoo’s age, but it still came as a surprise anyway. It even made him feel slightly poignant, though he would never admit it, that Kyungsoo was taking firm steps out into the world on his own and no longer looking up to him for help in everything.

He waited by the roadside near the italian restaurant where they had agreed to meet, resisting the silly urge to tackle the puddles that had formed in the middle of the road. Occasionally, a car would drive right across them and Jongin would bear the brunt of it, but he didn’t mind. There was just something so incredibly comforting about standing in the rain, getting a little wet.

Having sat in the black Honda Civic many times, especially in the past when he went on outings with Kyungsoo’s family, he saw Kyungsoo approaching from far away. He folded his umbrella since the rain had eased into a nice drizzle, and it felt almost surreal to see the car coming closer and closer, with Kyungsoo seated in the driver seat.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Kyungsoo told him when he got into the car. “Did you wait long?”

Jongin looked into the rear mirror and slicked his damp hair back. “No, not really. I was having a nice walk.”
Kyungsoo glanced at him briefly, seemingly finding the sight of Jongin checking himself out amusing as the edges of his lips curled loosely. He shifted his focus back to the road afterwards, gaze turning serious again as he concentrated on giving them a safe journey—anything to distract himself from the older male.

A short silence ensued before Jongin broke it. He had been watching Kyungsoo drive, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight of the boy he had watched grow up driving like a real man now.

“It feels really strange,” he admitted. “Look at you, already driving. Still feels like yesterday when you had to be strapped into your seat by your parents.”

Kyungsoo gave a short burst of laughter at that memory. “Don’t bring that up, hyung. It’s not the most masculine memory.”

“I don’t know what I see you as.”

It must be the rain messing with his head. His thoughts were all slippery, barely hanging onto his tongue. He noticed Kyungsoo tightening his fingers around the steering wheel from the corner of his eyes, and almost immediately regretted his recklessness.

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes I feel like you’re my child since I practically watched you grow up, but it’s not like I have raging fatherly instincts when I’m with you.” That thought amused Jongin and he smiled, pausing for a moment to collect his thoughts. “Sometimes you feel like a younger brother, but that’s not exactly it either. Maybe you're a friend, but you’re so much more than that. That’s what I meant by not knowing what I see you as.”

The rain grew heavier outside, as though suddenly realizing it wasn’t satisfied yet. Kyungsoo set the windscreen wipers on maximum speed and only dared to look at Jongin through the rear mirror.

A tentative silence, followed closely by a tentative question. “Is that a good or bad thing?”
Jongin only gave a small smile. “What do you want me to see you as?”

This was a question Kyungsoo could answer immediately if he wanted to, given how much time he had spent thinking about it. He wanted Jongin to see him as a man, of course. He wanted to be seen and treated as an equal, be someone Jongin could lean on for support. But as the traffic light turned red and their eyes met in the rear mirror, the answer Kyungsoo was so sure of was silenced by the loud roar of the falling rain.

He wasn’t so confident of what he wanted anymore, at least not until he was hearing his own answer in a voice that trembled slightly at the beginning.

“As me. Just me.”

If all Jongin could see him as was a little kid, or a little brother, then there was nothing, really, that Kyungsoo could do about it. All he could hope for, and wanted, was for

Jongin to see him for who he was. He didn’t want him to see him as anything. His existence could be invisible to everyone else, but as long as Jongin saw him for him, then that was enough.

He didn’t know if Jongin knew where exactly he was coming from, but he hoped it did. He kept his eyes firmly on the road afterwards, too shy to scrutinize Jongin’s expression. The intrusiveness of the older male’s voice, low but warm and gentle, therefore made him flinch.

“I see.”

That was it. Jongin said nothing else, and Kyungsoo did not press on further.

Yet, he had the most comforting feeling that the older male understood exactly what he was talking about.

--

The wind was howling outside, rattling the windowpanes every now and then, but the approaching thunderstorm felt distant from the two sitting in the dimly-lit apartment, sipping on beer and lost in a make-believe world far away from the harsh elements of the real one.

Alcohol always made things so much better. Kyungsoo threw his head back whenever he drank from the can, taking bold sips because he knew he was still far from his limit. Besides, on this slow night, it wasn’t really the alcohol that was intoxicating him.

His eyes very naturally landed on Jongin as he set the can on the ground, watching the older male flick his cigarette into the ashtray. It was a bad habit the older male succumbed to only when he drank, or at least that’s what he told him. Kyungsoo didn’t question him, didn’t feel the need to.

The sight of Jongin exhaling smoke with dreamy eyes was really something to behold, and he was certain this wasn’t him romanticizing anything. Jongin was beautiful, he had always been, and was especially so when the only pair of eyes on him was Kyungsoo’s.


Jongin met his gaze and a smile, small but genuine, grew on his lips.

“Best way to pass time,” he proclaimed, and took a long drag of his cigarette. Kyungsoo raised his can in response, agreeing.
When Kyungsoo thought he knew his limit, he did in the sense that he wouldn’t go overboard and drink until he out. But getting tipsy was an entirely different matter. They had been drinking for a few hours now, though Jongin had been more focused on smoking his cigarettes than drinking. Kyungsoo didn’t keep track, but the older male must have smoked at least close to one pack of cigarettes.

He had never seen Jongin smoke, and when the latter revealed that he had started this as a social habit a long time ago, way before he got transferred, a sliver of hope lit Kyungsoo up from the inside.

The fact that Jongin was now cool with smoking in front of him meant that he saw him as an adult, didn’t he? No longer as some stupid kid he couldn’t be himself completely around.

Jongin’s fidgeting incited Kyungsoo’s attempt at shifting into a more comfortable position from keeping his knees hugged against his chest. He slid closer to the older male who was sitting with his back against the couch and followed suit. Except he allowed his head to fall back as well, the back of it colliding with the softness of the cushion.

For a long moment, all he did was keep his eyes shut. He had never liked the smell of smoke, but for some reason, his brain registered it differently when jam-packed with the knowledge that it was Jongin behind this. In some way, it validated Jongin’s presence, kept Kyungsoo reminded that the older male was right by his side.

All he could think about was how much he desperately he pined for Jongin. Almost all of his favorite childhood memories included Jongin, so it was difficult to pinpoint when exactly his feelings for Jongin had morphed into romantic love. Jongin had always been

someone he could depend on, and he had treated him with so much kindness and love that Kyungsoo had grown infinitely used to, perhaps even started to take for granted.

Even when that was taken away from him in the few years Jongin spent in another city, the feelings never really went away. They just went into hibernation to protect themselves after Kyungsoo tried to forcefully purge them. Now they were all back and Kyungsoo had grown so much greedier.

In the past, he was content with just being by Jongin’s side. Now, he wanted so much more. He didn’t want to wait anymore. They had already let a few years slip right through their fingers. If he wanted Jongin to see him as a man, then he had to act like one.

Those were the things that passed through Kyungsoo’s mind, and eventually convinced him to make his boldest move yet. He opened his eyes to discover that Jongin had finished his cigarette, and was simply staring into the empty space in front of him.

Kyungsoo didn’t know what was on his mind and he hated that, so he would fill it with something else instead.

“I don’t want to call you hyung anymore.”



Jongin’s dreamy eyes were alert when he turned to look at him. “What?” He asked, thinking he heard wrong.
Kyungsoo stared back unflinchingly when normally he would be intimidated by such good looks. Really, it wasn’t fair for Jongin to be so blindingly attractive even after so many years he had spent looking at him.

“I said, I don’t want to call you hyung anymore.”

The wind was still howling and Kyungsoo’s arms erupted in goosebumps as he heard the first clap of thunder. So loud, so much like his heartbeat now.


“I want to call you Jongin. Can I do that?”

He was expecting Jongin to look completely taken aback, but the older male’s almost expressionless face confirmed his doubts.

“Because I like you so much,” he continued bravely. “I don’t want you to see me as a little brother anymore.”

Yet, he knew Jongin wouldn’t possibly be so cruel to him. He knew the older male knew.

“You knew it all along, didn’t you? You know how I feel about you. I’ve always been a bad liar.”

This was the turning point of his relationship with Jongin, no matter the outcome. Kyungsoo knew what he was in for when he decided to make such an impromptu confession, but he didn’t regret anything. This had to be done. It didn’t matter so much whether Jongin liked him back or not—he needed to get his feelings out in the open or he would suffocate.

They had grown too heavy for him to carry around, and things grew worse each time Jongin smiled at him.

There were a million things in Jongin’s gaze now that Kyungsoo couldn’t figure out

“There are ten years between us,” the older male mutters. “Are you sure you’re not mistaken about your feelings for me?”

His question gave Kyungsoo a big hint, and he identified uncertainty amongst the million things. It made his heart do a funny little dance. He definitely found it ridiculous that Jongin could question his feelings like that—if only he could tear his heart out and allow the older male a glimpse of it, so he could finally comprehend the intensity of his feelings for him.

Aware that he would never be able to offer this experience through verbal explanation, Kyungsoo straightened up and was kissing Jongin in a second. He threw his arms around the older male’s neck and a leg over his lap, straddling him.

At first, this was merely to prove his point. However Jongin’s lips proved too addictive; Kyungsoo couldn’t possibly hold himself back when he had spent almost his entire life longing for this sensation. He grabbed a fistful of Jongin’s hair with one hand and used the other to tug at his chin, pulling his lips apart so their tongues could meet in a proper kiss.

The older male didn’t reciprocate right away, but he didn’t resist either, and that gave Kyungsoo the motivation to keep going. He only pulled away to say what he had to say, just in case dummy Jongin was having a hard time understanding everything.

“If it’s just a stupid crush, then it ought to have passed by now.” Kyungsoo told him, wondering how it was possible that it wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world. He looked tenderly at Jongin’s face—the face he had loved his entire life and was sure he would for the rest of his life. “You’re still the only one I want.”

--

“I want to say don’t go. Please don’t go, Jongin. I like you.” Jongin could hardly believe what he was hearing. Kyungsoo took this opportunity to step closer, burying his face in the crook of his neck. His warm breath tickled slightly when he spoke again. “I said I like you. So don’t go.”

What was he to say? How could he say anything in the face of such a brave confession, one that must have taken Kyungsoo so much to make? The younger male was trembling, and Jongin didn’t know what he was to do with someone who was telling him that he liked him.

He liked Kyungsoo too—loved him, even, but he had never given much thought to these feelings. It always seemed like familial love, especially when he had seen him grow up, taken care of him for so many years. Besides, there was the fact that Kyungsoo was still

practically a kid. Sure, he was already in high school, but Jongin didn’t see him as an adult yet.

While these thoughts were racing through his mind, Kyungsoo made further use of Jongin’s lack of reaction to advance further. He pulled back so suddenly, and Jongin had only enough time to look at his face before the little brat was kissing him on the lips.

Perhaps it was the heat of the moment, or perhaps he hadn’t been expecting such soft lips that his rationality was completely overthrown and replaced by instincts, all too used to returning the love that he was given. He kissed Kyungsoo back, that much was undeniable, and even though it lasted only a short second before he came back to his senses, he kissed Kyungsoo back.

The realization of what he just did was too much of a shock, and in that state, Jongin found himself fully incapable of considering the feelings of anyone but himself. As such, he did the one thing he never imagined he would ever. He pushed Kyungsoo away, anything to put some distance between them.

There was no sign of remorse on Kyungsoo’s face. The younger male just stared at him defiantly, as if daring him to yell at him, tell him off. But Jongin could hardly bring himself to speak. He opened his mouth, not knowing what to do with the tingling sensation still lingering on his lips from Kyungsoo’s kiss.

In the end, all he could manage to croak out was, “What are you talking about?”

Kyungsoo sighed loudly. “Don’t act stupid, Jongin. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t like you as a brother. My feelings for you are not as simple as that.”

He took a long, hard look at Kyungsoo. The little brat, despite his confession, still looked like a kid to him. There were his chubby cheeks and his wide eyes that made him appear so innocent. His get-up consisting of a slightly oversized hoodie and jeans, too, was more than enough to remind Jongin of the years between them, the years they could never get rid of no matter how hard they tried.

“You’re only 16.” Jongin didn’t mean that as an insult but an irrevocable truth, but Kyungsoo’s face fell visibly anyway. “You’re too young. I don’t think you know what you’re talking—”

Maybe he shouldn’t have been too hasty in thinking of Kyungsoo as nothing more than a kid. The fist that greeted his cheek had all the force of a grown man, and Jongin staggered back from the second shock that night. Between the first and second waves of pain, he managed to see Kyungsoo standing in front of him with his hand still clenched into a fist and a look of pain on his face.

Jongin cupped his stinging cheek, too stunned to even make a sound. It was already starting to swell, but at least he wasn’t bleeding or anything. He should look at Kyungsoo again, but at this moment, the sight of the floor was much more welcoming than having to deal with the consequences his words had evoked.

He didn’t think he had ever seen Kyungsoo look so upset.

“I’m not some stupid kid who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, okay? Why are you running away? Why do you keep trying to run away?” The pause in Kyungsoo’s speech made Jongin finally drag his lousy eyes up, and his chest clenched. Was he really the one behind the pain manifesting so clearly on Kyungsoo’s face? “How do you feel about me? That’s all I want to know.”

How did he feel about Kyungsoo? That was something he had never really thought about, never thought he needed to. He could tell Kyungsoo right now that he only thought of him as a brother, that his feelings were nothing like his, but Jongin didn’t want to. Kyungsoo deserved an answer that had given much thought to, and that was something he wasn’t in the right mind for now.

So he mentioned the only person who came to mind. “I have a girlfriend.”
That fact, although not new to Kyungsoo, seemed to register in his mind for the first time. His gaze fell, turned distant, as if only now remembering that fact, and Jongin

could see every single emotion playing across his face. It made him regret his frankness immediately, wishing he could take it all back

He couldn’t help his eyes from being drawn to Kyungsoo’s lips. Those lips had just been against his. Now the corners were downturned, and he didn’t know if he was making wild guesses or Kyungsoo looked like he was trying his hardest not to cry.

“I got it,” was all the younger male could reply to that, his voice cracking towards the end of that short utterance.

Jongin opened his mouth, but closed it again promptly when he realized he had nothing to say. What could he do to comfort Kyungsoo when he was the cause of his current misery? All along, he had no idea that this was how the younger male felt about him.
Now things were starting to make sense—Kyungsoo’s silence whenever he mentioned his girlfriend, Kyungsoo’s mood-swing when they had dinner together with his family.

The guilt at having brought so much pain to Kyungsoo consumed him all at once. How could he possibly understand anything? He didn’t know how deep Kyungsoo’s feelings for him ran, he didn’t know just how much he had put him through.

All he really wanted was to take the younger male into his arms and apologize, but he found himself rooted to the ground, paralyzed, unable to do anything as Kyungsoo turned his back to him. He walked back to the car with his shoulders slumped, his posture suggesting that of a defeated man, like a deflated balloon, and Jongin had never hated himself so much.

Love—the sole most powerful emotion in this world, a double-edged sword Jongin had unintentionally wielded against Kyungsoo.

It wasn’t easy for him to swallow everything and return to his car, following Kyungsoo’s footsteps. He stood there for a very, very, very long time. It wasn’t so much of going back to face Kyungsoo that scared him—he couldn’t come to terms with himself, with the fact that he had not picked up on something so obvious. He had always thought he understood Kyungsoo, but tonight he found out that he didn’t know him at all.


The only thing Jongin was sure of was that he didn’t want to lose Kyungsoo. It didn’t matter what was to happen to them now, he’d figure things out and make sure they don’t fall apart. He couldn’t afford to lose Kyungsoo. He loved him.

He had already come up with a mini-script in his head when he reached the car. The last time he felt nervous stepping near his vehicle was when he first bought it, and drove it out onto the main roads with a driving license fresh out from the oven in his wallet. But he needn’t have worried.

Kyungsoo was soundly asleep in the car. He had even reclined his seat so he could lie down more comfortably, and despite the disbelief Jongin was in, he laughed. Just like this, things felt almost normal.

The drive home was silent because Kyungsoo was asleep, and Jongin was grateful for the space offered to him to just think about things. He kept replaying Kyungsoo’s confession over and over in his head. His decisiveness in that moment really made him seem so much like an adult, and it was at this time that Jongin finally admitted that his view of Kyungsoo had been biased all along—the little brat had already grown up.

He was now a man—a man who had feelings for him.

Jongin glanced at the sleeping figure beside him. It was ridiculous how soundly asleep Kyungsoo was when Jongin was in mental anguish beside him, but that confession must have been a much-needed catharsis for him, and Jongin didn’t blame him at all for leaving him alone to deal with this.

Maybe it was better this way.

He parked the car and remained in that little space with Kyungsoo for almost an hour. The uncertainty of what laid ahead of them was definitely a source of fear for Jongin, and he just wanted to spend a little more time with Kyungsoo now. The dynamics of their relationship would definitely have undergone a large change by the time the sun rises again, and he didn’t know if they were headed in a good or bad direction.

Kyungsoo didn’t stir as Jongin carried him back to his small rented apartment. It must be a combination of exhaustion and alcohol that rendered him in such a state, but Jongin wasn’t complaining because it made things so much easier for him. He was still peacefully asleep when the older male laid him down in bed and pulled the blanket over him.

Then, despite his mind telling him not to, Jongin lingered at his bedside and stared at Kyungsoo’s face. He looked much younger when he was sleep—everyone did—but now he could really see what he hadn’t been able to before.

His jawline had grown sharper, and his face definitely took on the look of a young man. He wasn’t a kid anymore. It was Jongin who had been stuck in the past all along, stubbornly seeing a kid in him when he was so much more than just that.

With an apologetic heart, he ran his fingers through Kyungsoo’s dark hair and smoothed it back before quietly leaving the room. It was nearly dawn. He wasn’t ready for that yet.

It took Jongin long enough to fall asleep on the couch—already a sign of their changed dynamics because he never had any reservations when it came to sleeping on the same bed as Kyungsoo—and he was lost in a flurry of dreams when the sun rose outside quietly.

When he awoke again, it was already late afternoon and Kyungsoo was sitting at his dining table eating instant noodles. Jongin eased himself into a sitting position, his shoulders aching terribly. Kyungsoo, upon sensing his awakening, looked up from his bowl and broke into a smile.

It was a smile so radiant Jongin would remember it even after many years later. Rather than the sight of it alone, it had everything to do with how it made him feel at that moment too. After tormenting himself with bad thoughts the entire night, Kyungsoo’s smile chased away the dark clouds that loomed over him.

“Morning, hyung.”

Was this really the guy from last night? The one who had called him by his name, kissed him, punched him in the face?

Kyungsoo was either a top-grade actor or selectively amnesiac. His smile was too genuine, his happiness too contagious for Jongin to believe that he was affected by what happened last night, or even remembered it. He touched his injured cheek lightly, and was thankful that it was not obviously swollen.

“You okay?” Jongin eventually asked, dipping a tentative foot into the water, testing it out.

The younger male slurped down his noodles and looked absolutely bewildered at Jongin’s question.

“My head hurts a little, but I’m okay. Really, hyung, you should have taken the bed.”

“No, I mean about—” The truth almost came spilling out but Jongin held back in time. He collected his messy thoughts and shook his head at his own stupidity. There was no knowing whether Kyungsoo had really forgotten about last night, but this definitely made things easier for them, so Jongin would play along.

He rubbed his face tiredly, took a deep breath, and as he exhaled, let the matter slide.

Kyungsoo was finishing the last bit of his meal when Jongin got close enough. The older male reached out for him hesitantly, and his movement, fortunately, went undetected by Kyungsoo who was too focused on his food. Jongin remembered feeling conflicted, but the moment his fingers were carding through Kyungsoo’s thick hair, all negative feelings dissolved.

This was still his Kyungsoo.

Maybe it was better that the younger male couldn’t remember what happened last night. Jongin would bear the weight of this alone; it was the least he could do after hurting Kyungsoo so much. Now, despite being aware of his feelings for him, Jongin couldn’t bring himself to stay away and do what was best for them.


He pretended not to notice how Kyungsoo halted his motion for a split second, and he pretended not to notice Kyungsoo staring after him as he walked into the bedroom for a shower.

It was cowardly to feign ignorance, but what else could Jongin do? He wanted to be selfish. It was so very selfish to hold on, but he would do that anyway. Maybe this selfishness made Kyungsoo the adult between them—the adult who had the courage to face his feelings and Jongin didn’t mind. Despite knowing of Kyungsoo’s feelings for him, he couldn’t stay away, couldn’t confront him and do what was the best for them.

Jongin was comfortable with everything he had in his life now and he hated to admit this, but he would rather let things go on without change even if it meant Kyungsoo would be in pain.

After all, he was already leaving. Surely, the distance between them would jolt Kyungsoo awake, and the people he would eventually meet as he progressed to university would make him realize Jongin wasn’t the one for him.

So yes, Jongin was selfish and cowardly. He closed his eyes and stepped into the spray of cool water from the showerhead.

But through it all, this only meant that Kyungsoo was someone he never wanted to lose, and this love must suffice for now—even if not in the long run, even if not worthy as repayment for the love Kyungsoo had given him so unconditionally.

-

“You’re still the only one I want.”

So there it was, the ghost from four years ago had come back to haunt him. Jongin, in a hasty attempt to keep Kyungsoo from going overboard, lifted his hands and placed them on his hips to stop him from moving and behaving dangerously.

Meanwhile, all he could do was look at Kyungsoo and try to come to terms with the fact that this brat, who told him he liked him four years ago, was telling him the same thing today, telling him that his feelings had not changed at all since then.

“I—”

“You don’t have to give me an answer right now. That’s not what I need.” Kyungsoo had never looked as confident as now and Jongin couldn’t deny that he was rather impressed. This little brat really had grown so much.

“You know what you’re risking by telling me that you like me, don’t you?” Jongin asked. He didn’t have to raise his voice, Kyungsoo was close enough to catch his whisper, up his words like dripping honey. He desperately wished he had a cigarette now.

“I know.” Kyungsoo, now that he had gotten another taste of Jongin, of what had been withheld from him for so awfully long, seemed unable to stop. He tightened his arms around Jongin’s neck and hugged him tightly. “I know it all, but I just like you too much. I love you. I can’t help myself.”

It was comfortable. Kyungsoo’s embrace was comfortable. Jongin, now free from Kyungsoo’s imprisoning gaze, was more compelled to return the younger male’s candidness with his own.

“I told you I broke up with So-eun because neither of us wanted to maintain a long-term relationship, but that was a lie. Kyungsoo, do you know that this isn’t the first time you’re telling me about your feelings?”

Kyungsoo didn’t respond. Jongin took it as a sign of his cluelessness.

“You told me on the night I told you that I was being transferred to work in another city. You punched me in the face, even. And you forgot all about it the next morning, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never.” Jongin’s hand slid upwards until he was cupping the back of Kyungsoo’s head. “I broke up with So-eun because it just didn’t feel right anymore. I kept thinking about you, you know. When I was holding her hand, when I

was hugging her, kissing her, all I could think about was you telling me how much you liked me. I felt so bad.”

He didn’t even need to think anymore, his body was moving on its own, the words coming out on their own. Out of guilt, perhaps, but Jongin was inclined to believe it was all out of love. He felt guilty and wanted to make it up to Kyungsoo because he loved him.

“I’ve been so confused since that night… And eventually I just stopped reaching out to you because I didn’t know what to think anymore. You left me in such a mess.”

The younger male loosened his grip and drew back to study Jongin.

“I don’t care about anything else. I just need you to tell me one thing. Just one thing.” Jongin nodded. “What is it?”
“Can you see me as more than just a little brother? Can you see me as someone equal to you? I know I’m younger by you by 10 years but this age difference doesn’t in any way affect my capacity to love you, you know. It doesn’t restrict how much I can love you. And I promise you, hyung,” Kyungsoo waited until Jongin’s eyes met his again before continuing. “I can love you more than anyone else ever has.”

Amidst his feelings of guilt and uncertainty, Jongin was resolute about his answer when he whispered “yes”. He could see Kyungsoo as more than just a little brother. He could believe that Kyungsoo could love him more than anyone else ever had.

He had just been denying his feelings all this while.

His eyes have never lied. And Jongin has always seen how much he meant to him in those eyes.

And then they were kissing again, this time with Jongin actually kissing him back and not feeling strange or bad about it, this time with Kyungsoo muttering “that’s enough for me” into the kiss and his tears, warm and salty, thrown into the mix.


-

Some days were good by nature, like today where there was a breeze despite the sun and the temperature was just nice and every single train Kyungsoo had to take came to a halt on the railway just as he arrived at the platform.

His footsteps were light throughout his journey from the train station to home. Leaves fell all around him as he hummed along to a song that had been stuck in his head after his annoying classmate Chanyeol felt the burning need to put it on replay, and blasted it through his portable speaker too.

Days were growing cold again, but right now, everything really was just nice and Kyungsoo his hands into his pockets, feeling the warmth of the sunshine on his face. In fact, he was enjoying himself so much that he felt almost sorry to see the familiar apartment building.

After some consideration and finding the temptation of his latest FIFA game much more alluring than staying outside alone, he bade the beautiful day goodbye and ducked into the building. The security guard saw him and they exchanged pleasantries, and then Kyungsoo was hurrying into the waiting lift, anxious to get home and avoid running into anyone else.

With thoughts of solitary filling his entire head, Kyungsoo was slightly taken aback when he saw an extra pair of shoes outside his door. They looked expensive and he didn’t recognize them at all, and thinking it could be one of his father’s business associates, unlocked the door and stepped into his apartment in the same unguarded state.

It was a bother to be polite and make small talk again, but he promised himself he wouldn’t spend more than five minutes socializing. Having drilled the preconceived notion that the guest would be someone unknown into his mind, Kyungsoo’s body failed to react when he was greeted by the sight of Jongin standing by the window.

Jongin had his head turned back, and he was already looking at him before Kyungsoo could even make sense of anything and everything.


The first thought that came to mind was two years. It had been two years since Jongin packed up and left for a better job opportunity away from here. Nearly half a year since they stopped staying in touch, something Kyungsoo thought would never happen.

Kyungsoo really didn’t know how to describe what he felt when he finally saw Jongin again after such a long absence—it was so strange, and his thoughts were too muddled for him to decide if it was a good or bad kind of strange, and Jongin looked so good and so foreign and he was upset and happy and shocked and surprised and he couldn’t think anymore.

The feeling of seeing somebody so precious after such a long time—it was one that could never be described, no words would come close to capturing the tenderness of such a feeling.

It was probably Jongin who smiled first. Then all of a sudden, all in the world was good and right again and the day outside was still so beautiful and the sky the bluest it had ever been and Kyungsoo smiled back.

There was no knowing how long they would have kept this up for—an extremely quiet moment of just standing where they were and smiling, looking at each other, if Kyungsoo’s mother had not emerged from the kitchen with a plate of freshly sliced fruits and broke them out of a mutual trance.

--

“Hyung.”

Jongin raised his head, wondering where the voice was coming from. “Hyung.”
Again, it was from Kyungsoo, wasn’t it?

It sounded like there was something he had to tell him, but he was too comfortable in the hot springs. So Jongin procrastinated until the same voice summoned him for the third time, and with great reluctance, opened his eyes—

“You should get up now. You’re meeting a client in a few hours.” Kyungsoo was kneeling by his bedside, his smile gentle and touch even more so. He swept Jongin’s fringe back lovingly and leaned down to plant a tender kiss on the older male’s cheek. “Wake up, sleepyhead. I’m going to school now. It’s pretty cold today, so remember to wear warmer clothes.”

As he looked at Kyungsoo’s receding back view, watched him walk through the bedroom door and disappear, it hit him how used he had grown to being woken up by Kyungsoo’s low, soothing voice. How much of a comfort it was, compared to being woken up by a shrill ringing, compared to waking up all alone.

They had agreed to give this a go, try things out and see where they would eventually end up. Jongin was never erse to this idea, but Kyungsoo seemed to want to take it slow. The younger male, in fact, seemed more uncertain about the new status of their relationship than he was. He seemed perpetually afraid, uncertain, as if Jongin might wake up one day and regret his decision, and decide to end it all.

He needn’t have worried. It didn’t feel strange to touch Kyungsoo, kiss him, or wake up to him. Jongin couldn’t deny that he had been expecting it would feel weird, but these fears were almost uncalled for. Things only felt so natural, and he would soon come to understand that it was so because they had loved each other all along, and it wasn’t that much of a giant leap to finally translate the love into physical affection as well.

Things were really working out fine and Jongin was so glad about that.

He stretched lazily, staying in bed with his eyes wide open so he wouldn’t be at risk of falling back asleep.

Kyungsoo was busier these days, with his academics and friends, and Jongin wouldn’t deny that he felt slightly neglected—especially when the younger male would turn down his dinner invitations occasionally, citing friends or projects as reason why.

The younger male must feel a lot more carefree and at ease to focus on himself now that he didn’t have to worry about Jongin going away anymore.

Yet, Kyungsoo had practically moved in with him now, and he didn’t mind that much since they got to see each other everyday anyway.

So yes, maybe things weren’t just working out fine—they were better than ever. And Jongin believed that after such a tumultuous journey, things could only get better.

-

There were still times Jongin felt the between them more keenly than ever, like right now as he watched Kyungsoo approach from a distance away with two ice cream cones in his hands.

It was the end of the year again and cold days had crept upon them stealthily and Kyungsoo was wearing a blue coat with a furry hood to defend himself against the increasingly harsh winter. The distance that laid between them in terms of years wasn’t felt merely in Kyungsoo’s youthful appearance, but also his insensible desire to have ice cream on such a cold day.

Yet, it was something Jongin had grown to adore, for he had found the charm in their differences. It took him long enough, but it was a realization that had come in time, and Jongin couldn’t help smiling, feeling lucky, at the sight of Kyungsoo looking so young and happy and heading towards him.

The kind of recklessness that only came with youth—he thought he had passed that phase of his life, but now Kyungsoo had brought it back to him. It was once again something he could enjoy.

The younger male only had eyes for him. He stretched his arm out for Jongin to get his ice cream cone once they were close enough, the other one having already been half- devoured.

“Where should we go now?”

Jongin very naturally pulled Kyungsoo closer to his side so their arms were brushing while they walked down the path enjoying ice cream on a cold day.

“Where do you want to go?”

Jongin’s smile was, as usual, indulgent.

The younger male thought seriously about it for a while. He had a habit of looking to his right whenever he was deep in thoughts and Jongin couldn’t resist the urge to place his hand on the small of Kyungsoo’s back, not wanting him to trip on anything while he was in the midst of his contemplation.

It was almost as if Kyungsoo didn’t even feel Jongin’s hand, or he had just grown so used to it.

“How does ice skating sound?”



In all honesty, Jongin would very much appreciate something more relaxing like watching a movie or just going for some chill drinking. It had been a long day, but it was also Friday night, so he didn’t want to deprive Kyungsoo of the fun he wanted, didn’t want to make distinct the difference in energy levels between the two of them.

Thus he nodded, going along with an idea he wasn’t too sure of, but would endure through for Kyungsoo.

“Sure,” he agreed breezily, and the happiness that lit up Kyungsoo’s face was of such importance to Jongin that he would have said yes a thousand times over and over to things he didn’t want to do.


Then a short silence ensued as they headed down the path, taking a leisurely stroll back to the carpark where their chariot laid waiting. The streets around them were thumping with the gaiety that came naturally on a Friday night, music from surrounding shops and scattered conversations between strangers fitting very naturally into the space all around them.

So carried away was Jongin with basking in this peaceful ambience that he failed to catch Kyungsoo’s words the first time round, which resulted in a distracted “what?” and the younger male’s repetition of his words.

“I said, I love you.”

Jongin didn’t know why, but hearing that confession made him stop dead in his tracks. He fixated his gaze on Kyungsoo who was three steps away from him, who had not immediately noticed his pause in movement.

Staring at the face of someone he had practically watched grow up, who was 10 years younger than him—Jongin felt a sudden wave of disbelief so strong he struggled with keeping himself afloat. This person, whom he used to be able to scoop into his arms with great ease, was looking at him and telling him that he loved him.

Once that feeling of strangeness flitted, Jongin focused solely on loosening the knot between Kyungsoo’s eyebrows. He held his hand out, hoping it would be enough to ease Kyungsoo’s confusion, and the younger male took it after a second or two.

Gloved fingers interlaced, and all that filled Jongin’s mind was that he loved Kyungsoo too.

Love was love—it didn’t matter what kind of love it was, and it was stupid that he had spent so many years trying to figure that out when it was better left a mystery.

“I love you too,” Jongin mumbled as he gave a sharp tug at their connected hands to propel Kyungsoo forward. “Even if I might not be able to keep up with your energy.”

His words must have given Kyungsoo a much needed surge of courage and cheekiness. The younger male swung his arm around and made a grab at his crotch without any prior warning, and by the time Jongin had registered what happened, Kyungsoo’s other arm was already back by his side and there was a smug smile on his face.

“You surely will,” the younger male declared with a mischievous tilt of his head and an equally suggestive smile.

What else could Jongin do? He gulped and looked away, trying to keep a straight face. But he wasn’t a very good liar, and Kyungsoo’s snickering reminded him of that.

One minute ago they were simply walking side by side peacefully, and now they were taking turns to elbow each other and laughing like nothing could possibly be wrong in the world. In that moment, both Jongin and Kyungsoo genuinely felt that way, that nothing could stray too far from goodness as long as they had each other.

Their fears, too, took turns melting away despite the low temperature. Kyungsoo’s fear that he wouldn’t be able to match up to Jongin in terms of maturity and seriousness, Jongin’s fear that he would be too old and boring for Kyungsoo.

In the small space between their palms, a piece of knowledge burned warm and steadily like a flame on a candle wick. That they loved each other, and that the differences they feared would drive them too far apart, in fact served to complete each other, filling the gaps they both possessed.

When they arrived at Jongin’s car, mutually high in spirits and cheeks flushed from laughter, it felt like the night had only just begun.