On long, lazy summer days, when the store seldom bustled with the usual crowd; was the time Kim Sung Gyu chose to come for a cup of coffee. I have always paid careful attention on his schedule of caffeine fixes. When the rest of the office crowd had lunch, Kim Sung Gyu resorted to his favorite iced americano. Sometimes it was accompanied with a chicken wrap with no onions in it, sometimes he’d only have a simple pastry to go with it. It was always about what he could consume in a minimal time; as if lunching was more of an obligation to him than a necessity in his busy working life. And he didn’t eat like a normal person either. He shoved it in his mouth which could accommodate bites of two people all at once, washed it down with coffee and sprinted off back to work as if he had hardly any time to spare for even the most necessary needs. He never really knew why he was doing all the things that he naturally did in his life. He asked himself questions, always out loud as if he had two of those miniature devil and angel people of himself hovering by his shoulders. “Why am I eating?” He’d ask himself as he took a large bite of his salmon sandwich. “Why am I working?” He’d ask with his face buried in his palms, fingers threaded in his slightly messy hair, yet would always return to work before long, showing everyone his rather contradictory emotions. He didn’t know why he ate or drank or dressed or slept or even lived and he always questioned these from the rest of us quiet, innocent onlookers as if we obligately held the answers. Despite all that, Kim Sung Gyu was…okay. He was nice, friendly when he wanted to be, handsome at all times, had a nice smile when he realized it’s important that he smiled, and basically, without Kim Sung Gyu’s daily visits to the coffee store, my day was incomplete.

It’s a miracle how we became friends over the time, Kim Sung Gyu and I. In the beginning, he didn’t come off to me as someone who could actually make a decent conversation with someone. He was consistently on the edge, fidgeting as he ate or drank or just about waited for his coffee to arrive, muttering under his breath and surveying his watch every five seconds which passed. He never had anyone accompanying him back then, except for his two mobile phones, car keys and the company identity card. He always left as soon as his glass of coffee drained, which took him as long as ten minutes. For everyone else, lunch breaks were an hour. For him, however, it ended forty-five minutes earlier. For this reason, us here at the ‘Flower-Boy Coffee’ called him the ‘White rabbit’ as in Alice in wonderland. And Sung Yeol, one of our Baristas even suggested we rename the shop as Alice in wonderland which, thankfully, went through (my) deaf ears.

The two of us, Kim Sung Gyu and I, became friends over unlikely circumstances. It wasn’t so much to speak of, but for someone who seemed like he hardly had time to invest on building an acquaintanceship, I honestly felt it was an achievement for him (Back then, of course). To be perfectly honest, watching him being jittery and anxious constantly worried me. People came to coffee shops for relaxation, for a fix of disposition, a moment of calm and reconciliation. Kim Sung Gyu, however, came for a quick lunch and to continue to be on the edge (Honestly, he even sat on the edge of the chair, prepared to prance off to work) and workaholics simply frustrated me. Therefore, we set up a plan on keeping him in the shop for much longer. One day in the rainy season of the forthcoming autumn, while all the usual customers which consisted of couples, loners and college students basked in the cold, lazy afternoon, Sung Gyu came rushing into the store with the shoulders of his jacket drenched and wet hair caked onto his face. He didn’t seem to take note of how badly he was shivering so much as he worried about reporting to work as soon as possible. He took off his jacket, rearranged his wet, dark hair, hurried to the counter to order only and only a glass of Americano. Having worked with coffee related beverages for so long, I knew exactly why he went for iced Americano all the time. It was cold, it was filling, and it took very little time to both make and consume. It was a trick to save his time. Therefore, I purposefully put in the order something a little warmer and a little more filling (without telling him, of course) along with another something which I supposed would be a little treat for him. He paid the same amount that he usually did, without a clue, returned to his usual table which was the closest to the exit, and waited. He waited for five minutes, then ten; he grew impatient. It was like watching a ticking bomb nearing its explosion. He looked down at his watch, over at the counter where I pretended to be busy with a waiting customer, then over at Sung Yeol who tried to be unsuspecting though his acting was just as terrible. Another two minutes, Sung Gyu stalked over to the cashier.

“I’m sorry, but my order hasn’t arrived yet” he said.

“We’re a bit tight today” I told him from my place behind the counter, with a cordial smile. “It will arrive shortly”

He stalked back to the table, sat down, looked at his watch, then at the clock hung in the store, at the counter, and began to rap his fingers impatiently on the table. Another two minutes, he looked murderous.

“Looks like White Rabbit is going get his head off by the queen” Sung Yeol commented as Sung Gyu’s order arrived at the window. I reached out for the notepad on the cashier desk and scribbled quickly with a pen before sticking it on the tray, Sung Yeol looked up at me with a grin. “You on, Boss”

Watching Sung Gyu’s reaction was an agonizingly slow process. It was surprising, given that he was always fast doing just about anything; but I supposed he was confused more than surprised by the unexpected intrusion, nonetheless the anticipated as well as duly expected reaction came from him before long. He didn’t even call for a waiter let alone wait for one to arrive. He simply stood up, picked up the tray and stalked over to the counter. Sung Gyu’s eyes were naturally small and almond-like, narrowed in concentration as he sipped on his beverage while going through his phone, but at that moment, I could swear it was the biggest they have ever been.

“I’m going to have to make a complaint” He said, his voice thick and enraged, carefully choosing his words as he spoke, still trying to be as polite as ever. He gestured at the tray set on the counter. “This isn’t what I ordered. I’d have assumed it was a mistake, but…” he picked up the little note I had sent along with the order and held it up for me to see as if it was a piece of article which carried great offense. What it actually read was; ‘Kim Sung Gyu-Ssi. Work can wait. Have a nice warm coffee on a cold rainy day and relax. You have so much to live for!’ and my name. Of course, he didn’t seem amused by my attempt on cheering him up. He was livid. He didn’t at all seem like he was ready to entertain my fruitless effort of making his day better. For all I knew, I could have made it worst.

He put down the paper and stared down at me. “Where’s the manager? I would like to speak to the manager”

“There’s no manager. There’s the owner, and that’s me” I said with a shrug.

He was quiet for a moment, scrutinizing me with a rather judgmental look, and sighed. “Good. Then I’d also like to meet this Won Bin person. He obviously seemed to have a problem with my personal choice and also he has purposefully wronged my order; and I’d really like to-, ah! Forget it, where is he?”

I looked up, slid off the stool I sat on behind the counter and folded my hands on my chest. For some reason, I felt triumphant although I had certainly lost in the first go. Sung Gyu looked down at me, literally down at me, almost peaking over the counter with rather disbelieving eyes, then up at my face. I gave him a challenging grin.

“I am the Won Bin person; you can talk to me” I said.

He blinked, the anger which clouded his faces moments ago completely dissipating in his eyes. He surveyed me once more, my short hair, my small built, my face, my eyes, and he quite literally looked over the counter, down at my feet.

“W-Won Bin?” He repeated disbelievingly, the quest he had earlier completely forgotten, replaced by something else; and that something else, I was quite used to, because it was the very reaction I got from other people almost every time they met me for the first time. “Why are you…Won Bin?”

I raised my brows. “Why? There’s no gender restriction in giving this name”

He blinked again. “And uh…. you’re so…small”

And that, my friends, was how Sung Gyu and I became friends; if not, best friends.

*

Flower boy coffee was located in the busy streets of Gangnam, a few blocks away from the main branch of Triple-A consultants, a popular consultants’ firm. While most of our regular customers were from the university which was also located on the other side of the street, we’re frequently visited by employees of the consultants’ firm as well. The reason why we had less customers coming from there was because they had a big, fancy café and a restaurant in the building itself, but ever since some new contractors took over the office cafeteria, quite a number of employers chose Flower boy coffee as their venue of caffeine fix and relaxation. They met here for casual encounters, coffee dates, a quick brunch or an on-the-run breakfast when the waiting lines were shorter. I had no idea what consultants did, back then. I had assumed that it was something to do about giving advice to people and so on. What I learned from Kim Sung Gyu from his long and endless accounts on his workplace was that consultants did a rather important job on providing professional advice on business management, marketing, human resources, public relations and so on. According to him, the three A’s of Triple A stands for Appease, Aspire and Achieve. While it gave a nice, motivational message to everyone else who soughed after their expert advice and support, it didn’t appeal to me so much since I never needed any kind of consultation in running my business, and I was pretty sure none of these employees had any good advice to give on brewing a decent cup of fresh coffee.

Regardless, in the months of having been friends with Kim Sung Gyu, he had given me quite useful expert advice. Not on making coffee, of course; and I had effortlessly feigned ignorance when he had suggested that I cut down on the use of onions in the wraps and lemon in tea. Nonetheless it was with his hearty advice that we came up with a loyalty card system (which obviously turned out to be for his own benefit) and an online order arrangement. As much as he came to us as exceedingly supportive (as a customer as well as a consultant at certain occasions) in our short acquaintanceship, he also managed to tone down his obsession of work and spend more time with actual, real people; and by people I meant myself and the three baristas here at the Flower-boy coffee shop.

He wasn’t very fond of the other three employers though; especially for the reason that the name of the store derived from the three of them; Sung Yeol, Sung Jong and Myung Soo. Sung Yeol and Sung Jong were...quirky. Sung Yeol with his loud and honest commentary on just about anything and his childish, hyperactive personality, and Sung Jong for his feminine attitudes and callous behavior. Myung Soo on the other hand…well, Myung Soo was something else, to be honest. You could look at him in thirty-three thousand different angles and still you wouldn’t be able understand what that blank expression in his handsome face really meant. The only benefit of him was that, except for being a well-trained barista, he was really, really handsome, and that drew most of the young female customers to the store.

But Sung Gyu despised him.

Due to the reason that I relentlessly pointed out to Sung Gyu the customers who were less work-obsessed as much as he were, Sung Gyu began to limit his coffee visits to the times when the store was closed, which was past seven in the night. I could have not allowed him inside the store under my conflict of interest and such (and also because I had no strength to entertain him after working hours) but we could never bring ourselves to, ever since his loyalty customer idea became a huge success. There was this one instance when he walked into the story during the time of a very important occasion and stopped dead in the track by the entrance and asked everyone in the store why Myung Soo was smiling. I wouldn’t blame him, though. Myung Soo never smiled. He didn’t have to, because his face was a godly creation. But his unsmiling persona concerned just about everyone who frequented the store. We all had assumed that he had dentures or bleeding gums or something. But it turned out that he was just shy and weird, and also he looked the best when he frowned.

“Oh hey!” I greeted the uninvited guest from where I was perched on the counter, where I could actually reach Sung Yeol’s eye-level to have a genuine conversation. “I didn’t invite you but welcome to the party, I guess” I shrugged.

“Party?” Sung Gyu asked, surveying the inside of the store. After the evening crowd had departed, we closed the store and kept only the lights of the counter on. Sung Yeol wrote ‘Congratulations!’ on some Styrofoam cups and placed them nicely on the order window, Sung Jong picked some left-over cupcakes and eclairs while I made us some hot cocoa. Myung Soo basically did nothing since it was him that we were throwing a party for. He sat and waited, glowing behind the cashier like a trophy.

“Well, not an actual party” I told as I struggled to slip off the counter. My feet were dangling a few inches off the ground and Sung Gyu had to literally pull me off and set me down on the floor. “Myung Soo won the national Barista competition today” I informed him and gestured at the subject in question. “We’re delighted so we threw him a party”

Sung Gyu picked up a Styrofoam cup with the letter C on it in wriggly handwriting and raised his brows. “Right” he replied. “So what was the winning criteria of the competition?”

Truth to be told, despite Myung Soo being our biggest asset in the store, his coffee making wasn’t exceptional so to speak…at least, not to the competition standard. The coffee was always a little too sweet and since he did foam art with a little too much of concentration, it often went cold and the hearts he formed were crooked; they rather suited the lonely and the heart broken. Sung Yeol was the best if we were to choose among the three of them, but we all came to a mutual agreement that, in spite of potential, Myung Soo had more prospects of winning.

“He didn’t have to do much” I told him and offered him a mug of hot cocoa. “He made some cappuccino, and stared at the judges afterwards. I guess they were charmed or something”

Sung Gyu snorted in response. “Charmed, my . It’s cheating”

Myung Soo, who was sitting behind the counter, examining a scone with utmost interest, took no offense in Sung Gyu’s latest finding.

“How exactly is being good-looking cheating?” I asked. “He might not make good coffee, but he’s still a barista”

“Yeah, the only reason you have him here is because he draws in all the hot-blooded female customers”

“You’re being biased” I huffed and picked out a cinnamon bun myself. “Besides, he contributes so much for the name of the store. All three of them do. Imagine, if you were a barista with that unwashed hair and droopy eyes-,”

“Yah, don’t insult my eyes or my hair” Sung Gyu retorted with a frown. “Anyway, I suppose your rather unfortunate name also contributes a great deal, Kkong-Bean-Ssi”

The perks of being friends with Kim Sung gyu came with a price. In the beginning, we all had assumed that he was a quiet, introverted workaholic and thought it would be all but an easy task to bring him out of his shell. Sung gyu did take time to be comfortable around us, and he seemed intimidated by the casual, friendly, non-workaholic crowd surrounding us. The moment he started to warm up to the company and friendliness, however, he started to speak; nagging and complaining, mostly, and the rest of the time he’d either be offending someone, or be making a snide, sarcastic remark. He became annoying, noisy; he simply became the loud and too-smart friend in the club that we couldn’t get rid of. He later kicked off his charade with calling me peanut, which he soon converted into what he thought was his biggest and greatest achievement; Kkong-Bean, my name and my size put into one. I found it offensive in the beginning, especially because I tended to get a little sensitive about my height. But then, the more he called me that, the more I found it to be endearing, perhaps even a little more than my actual name did.

I was four feet eleven, which is a little too short for a girl my age. But I was healthy and fit; my weight complimented my height, and I personally believed that it only made me adorable and stand out in a crowd. It draws back all the way to the time when my mother was still pregnant with me, this about my name. She was petite, and her mother was also tiny, so I guess it ran in my family. Back when she was about to have me, she’s done everything she could to find out the gender of the baby. They’ve done the ring-tied-on-a-hair test, they’ve had another baby stand on my mother’s protruding abdomen, they’ve even gotten a shaman to predict the gender; and they’ve all narrowed down to the fact that I was going to be a boy. Delighted and exhilarated, my mum had gone and simply promised to name me after her favorite actor at that time; though the whole purpose of finding my gender was for my grandmother to make the clothes and pillow casings for me. All things considered, it was a nice name. Only except that there was the actor of my name sake which gave everyone the idea that it was originally a name for a boy, and also that it, unfortunately, rhymed with ‘Bean’.

Anyway, going back to Sung Gyu, I suppose it’s important to point out that his love life is an alarming concern. Sung Gyu had a girlfriend. She was smart, matured, elegant; her features were graceful and delicate, and her voice was soft but stern. Both Sung Yeol and I believed that, despite her being the complete opposite of Sung Gyu in the regards of personality traits, she was pretty much his female counterpart. They went together like coffee and chocolate, sugar-glace on doughnuts, and it was kind of really cute.

And we supported them whole heartedly, we gave them our blessings. Sung Gyu received complimentary slices of cake over coffee or a bowl of dipping sauce when they came for a wrap in the lunch time. Though he hardly reacted warmly in our attempts of supporting him, I could see the sincerity in his eyes. Sung Gyu was grateful, though he never really put it into words, at least, not in the right way. He was relieved, delighted, that he had a friend or a couple of friends by his side. And all was well with them. Sometimes, Sung Gyu and his date would come together, and at certain occasions they were accompanied by a third person whom we soon learned to be Sung Gyu’s best friend. A Best friend was the last I expected for Sung Gyu to have. He acted as if he had nobody close to him except for everyone in his little bubble, all related to his workplace. As it turned out, this best friend of his, Nam Woohyun, was a corporate lawyer who worked as a partner in a firm somewhere in Namsang, and had been Sung Gyu’s best friend since high school. I wasn’t sure how I was going to digest this new piece of information. I wasn’t as nearly so affected by it when I learned that Sung gyu had gotten himself a girlfriend. But I suddenly began to feel threatened upon learning that he had had a best-friend all this time. As if he had left out a larger part of himself from me. I suddenly realized how big his world was, probably a lot larger than I imagined his bubble of life to be. Perhaps it wasn’t a bubble so much as a glass globe which kept extending the more people he knew. And I actually hated it.

To be perfectly honest myself, all this time, I thought that I was his best friend.

That aside, Sung Gyu’s best friend Nam Woohyun was a true gentleman. Not only was he exceptionally good looking; (Smart suit, neat hair, clean, tanned skin) he was also entrancingly generous, ideal and pleasant. (a lowly, silken voice, smooth words, sharp eyes and a beautiful smile) Woohyun was the real deal. And in an additional point, he had the perfect height, not a lean stick figure that both Sung Gyu and Sung Yeol made. He really was a man who couldn’t go unnoticed. While Sung Gyu looked disheveled, irritant and moody half the time, Woohyun looked dainty and proper, a golden smile always donning his face, constantly making a few heads turn. It made me wonder if there was something in the coffee which continuously attracted good looking men to the store. But not all good looking, prim and proper men turned out to be angels and saints. As it turned out, some of them hid monsters beneath their angel skin.

We didn’t suspect in the beginning, but the frequent coffee dates that Woohyun and this girl Sung Gyu was dating, Sujeong had, became awfully suspicious. Woohyun was naturally a charmer, and he treated all women in a certain way which made anyone’s hearts flutter. The way he treated Sujeong, however, was different, alarming even. Five dates in a row with a gap of three-four days between, Sung Yeol and I realized that there was definitely something more than a friendship going on between them behind Sung Gyu’s back.

Sung Gyu might not be the nicest bloke out there, and at times he really might deserve a horrible heartbreak. But he was truly very honest and sincere about this girl. His emotions were genuine, his feelings were genuine, and it all reflected in his eyes. I just really didn’t have the sentiment to let his heart break.

“Should we tell him?” Sung Yeol whispered in my ear as he slipped into the counter behind me. It was the consecutive fifth date of them here together. For professional purposes, Sung Gyu hadn’t divulged much into the personal companionship the two of us shared. Instead, he kept it as congenial as possible, making less and less interaction when they were in Sujeong’s or Woohyun’s company, so they couldn’t have had the slightest suspicion that the two of them and their misconduct were being watched by a second, third or even forth pair of eyes.

I prodded at my cuticles with my teeth anxiously. “Well, I don’t know…I feel like we’re not in the place to say anything” I replied, my eyes still not moving from the two. “I’ just hate to be the one breaking his heart”

“It won’t be you breaking his heart, Kkong” Sung Yeol responded as he too, watched them with interest. Woohyun has bought Sujeong her favorite iced caramel macchiato with plenty of cream on the top, which, by the way, Sung Gyu disclosed to us and perhaps even in his company. The truth was that Sung Gyu knew this girl like an open book. He understood her. He liked her. The turn that his relationship had taken was truly in vain. I pursed my lips as Woohyun reached out and took Sujeong’s hand in his. The strangest thing was that Sujeong was tiny too. Probably not as tiny as myself. But she was, and that made her and Woohyun look like a perfect match. “Well, he deserved to know” I told Sung Yeol. My eyes were on her, the girl. I saw her smile, dimples were forming deep in her cheeks, her graceful copper colored hair shined vigorously in the late afternoon sun. It’s strange, but it almost seemed as if this girl enjoyed Woohyun’s company a little more than she did Sung Gyu’s.

And I wouldn’t blame her either. To be honest, Woohyun had potential as a boyfriend, if that was anything to consider. I wouldn’t know, since I’ve never had one. But he was a smooth talker. The things he said and did were heart-fluttering whereas Sung Gyu was a little more of a tsundere. He was cold and distant, unless you really got him to open up, but that wasn’t something he usually did in the company of a lover. With her he was quiet, attentive, and paid more attention on detail than the entirety of her. It could get a little boring in that sense, if you were looking for something more. I figured, if Sung gyu showed the truest nature of himself to the girl he loved, things would have been a tad bit different. She would have loved him for his talkative, sarcastic persona than the quiet and attentive side of him. He was caring and loveable, but what mattered the most was how he chose to move with the right people, and I personally believed that how he acted in our company was the most admirable. We saw him through like glass. He was honest, while the Sung gyu with Sujeong was different. He was insecure and on the edge. He was the Sung gyu I knew and met before he came to know my name.

Nonetheless we decided to disclose nothing to him about his girlfriend and her secret love affair. Sung Gyu was busy with the launching of their new branch in Busan since he was a director so he was in and out of town, and he hardly ever visited us, keeping minimal contact over the phone. Woohyun and Sujeong came over, still; and when Sung Gyu was in Gangnam, he too had coffee dates with her. Watching the drama unfold from the sidelines, Sung Yeol, Sung Jong and I felt so guilty as if we were quiet bystanders eye witnessing a cruel crime taking place right under our noses and still paying it a blind eye. We talked about what we should do in case Sung Gyu did find out in the end, nonetheless we never touched the topic of actually revealing the truest nature of his relationship. Two months passed, and Sung Gyu’s busy schedule, what to do with Triple-A’s Busan launch successfully ended, making his visits to the café frequent yet again. Miraculously then, Woohyun disappeared off the radar, leaving Sujeong and Sung Gyu back in the picture together as if nothing ever happened, and we began to get concerned. One time, Sung Gyu accompanied Sujeong in the afternoon where they got their usual chicken wraps and Americanos, sat in Sung Gyu’s favorite place near the glass panel overlooking the street outside and cheerfully conversed as if they were the happiest pair in the world. Since the afternoon lunch rush had died down, we hadn’t any customers waiting for their orders, so Sung Yeol, Sung Jong and I stood behind the counter, pretending to be busy with doing mundane things like wiping the table and arranging the sweets in the display while surreptitiously watching the two of them.

“Do you think he found out?” Sung Yeol whispered as he leaned against the counter, sipping on a smoothie.

“He’d flip the universe if he did” I retorted in a semi whisper. “Maybe Woohyun decided to end things for once and for all”

“Maybe it was Sujeong-Ssi” Sung Jong added as he concentrated on setting some coffee eclairs on a tray. “You know, this guilty feeling eats you up when you’ve cheated on your boyfriend who’s been away on business. Maybe she finally realized that she did wrong”

“Maybe” I nodded, staring at Sung Gyu as he smiled brilliantly at the other. All things considered, Sung Gyu was a remarkably beautiful man. Woohyun could be the ideal boyfriend, mostly because of his actions and demeanor, but Sung Gyu had the likes of an ideal husband; hard working, talented, caring. He had a smile which could lighten the entire store when lights were out, and his eyes formed the prettiest crescent moons that it hurts when you’re watching him from the sidelines. His dark, wavy hair shined beautifully in the white light, and even if he acted less of a boyfriend, he was more of someone whom you could rely on, in my eyes. He deserved better. That’s what I felt every time I looked into the genuine emotions whirling in his eyes. He deserved someone better than a girl who didn’t see the value in his very existence.

And I wanted to tell him that. I wanted to tell him everything. At the odd occasions when the world related to Sujeong and Woohyun had flittered away, him only becoming the part of our own little universe, when he found comfort in our company and happiness in our time together, I wanted to tell him everything I felt. True, he could be weird at times. He could have started calling me the peanut, he could have started insulting Myung Soo and his terrible flavors in coffee, but we were his to insult and make fun of, and we all knew that we wouldn’t have it in any other way. Thinking back to whom he was before, jittery, stiff and worried at all times, the Sung gyu we had now was someone so precious that we didn’t want to lose. And it was this fact which built the wall between us, the opaque glass wall which didn’t let the light pass between us, just so that we could protect him from what he could have been. When we were with him, we talked about everything else but ‘That’. The matters regarding Sujeong and Woohyun were hidden deep in our hearts, the four of us at the café having come to a mutual decision that it was better for him to be left in the dark. And it was okay. Sung Gyu was happy, he was happier with Sujeong even if she had had an entirely different world hidden behind her smile. That was okay.

All was fine until one day, when everything that we’ve been keeping in the dark came out to light. Sung Gyu couldn’t have found everything out in a worse way than that. Though we never witnessed what had happened since it all took place outside of our little world within the coffee shop, having watched the beginning of the story unfold before us, we knew how it could have been. We knew it all. Yet we hadn’t taken note of the warning signs and kept Sung Gyu ready for the blow. We had left everything to take their destined toll and driven him right into the storm without even trying. In which sense, we were worse than anyone in this messed up love story of theirs. Sung Gyu had walked in on them, somehow, at the very moment when Woohyun had gotten down on his knees before Sujeong, asking her to marry him. And if the things weren’t bad enough already, Sujeong was pregnant, with Woohyun’s child. Had we seen this coming? No, we never did. Had we known things would take this drastic turn? We never did. All we’ve done was not telling Sung gyu anything, assuming that it was a phase in their relationship which would pass, and that little mistake had led into greater heights, eventually making us responsible of everything. Sung Gyu never blamed us. He never will. He kept his pain inside, came to coffee store late in the night and only asked if he could please have a strong black coffee, which wasn’t really his taste. Sung Gyu was smiling, but his eyes had no soul. His skin was still the healthy tan he had gotten from Busan, yet he still looked paler than he always did. Having known Sung Gyu for over six months now, we knew that something wasn’t right.

He was sitting in his usual seat when I carried the mug of cappuccino to the table. I didn’t make him black coffee, of course. He couldn’t take its intense bitterness. I made the cappuccino myself, and got Myung Soo to make the foam art just so the sight would brighten him up a bit.

But it was the biggest mistake of all.

He picked up the mug as I slipped into the chair before him, and watched him attentively as he took a careful sip of his coffee. He didn’t complain that it wasn’t the black coffee he ordered. He had come to like the taste of warm cappuccino over the days since the first time we forced him to have some. He didn’t complain when he took the next sip. In fact, he didn’t say a word when he set the mug down on the saucer and stared down at the misshaped heart on the foam. He sighed. “Look, the heart is broken”

And that’s when I knew.

I incited him until he told me everything; what he happened, what he saw, what he knew. And the effort he put into not break apart before my eyes truly broke my heart. The thought that I could have prevented this from happening all from the beginning kept gnawing on my mind, although the truth was, none of us ever imagined that it would go thus far. Sujeong returned to being the same Sujeong that she was when Sung Gyu left to Busan; Woohyun was suddenly out of the picture. And all we knew were what we saw in this small expanse of the coffee shop, which was less than an iota of the entire tale. No, we couldn’t have assumed let alone known anything based on what we already saw. It wasn’t our fault. What we could have done was minimal. And when I told him that we’ve seen them together in the coffee shop, he said nothing. When I told him that we decided not to divulge him in anything, thinking that it could have been nothing, he still didn’t say anything. No ‘It’s okay’, Not an ‘it’s not your fault’, just silence. Silence was the answer. When he left to go home that night, after refusing to have something for dinner on us, all I could do was just sit and think. I did this for two hours, sitting in the same place that he left me as Sung Yeol patiently waited until I stood up to leave. I thought of what we could have done. Had we told him before, it could have done the same damage anyway, or even less damage, since, then he wouldn’t have walked in on him proposing to her. Then he wouldn’t have gotten to know that they were expecting a child. He wouldn’t have sat in dark corners and wondered what he had done wrong for things to turn out this way. The only reason we never told him anything was not because we didn’t want to break his heart. Deep inside, we knew that it would happen in the end anyway. The only reason why we didn’t was that simple. We just didn’t want to be the ones who did it. And now that thought ate me up more than it would ever have, had we told him. One way or another, we still ended up being responsible of breaking his heart.

Sung Gyu came back to the store on the afternoon the next day, his eyes droopy, hair disheveled, tired, and certainly hung over. I didn’t tell him anything. I had nothing to ask. Just as usual, we greeted him for a good day, and I myself got him a wrap which he hadn’t ordered for lunch (solely a glass of coffee) and carried the tray to his table. I placed it on the table before him. It was accompanied by a little note, one similar to that from the first day.

‘I’m Sorry. -Won Bin-, ‘ it said.

“Kkong” He called and caught my wrist as I was leaving. I halted, turned around, and slipped into the empty chair before him when he beckoned me to do so. We were quiet for a moment as Sung gyu stared blankly at his glass in which the cubes of ice danced around when he twirled the straw. A small sound was evicted from the glass, and in the background, I could see Sung Yeol wiping a table and surreptitiously concentrating on our general direction.

“It’s not your fault” Sung Gyu said in the end, and I finally tore my eyes away from my employer to focus them on him.

“It’s not your fault, Won Bin” Sung Gyu repeated in a small voice and looked up at me. His eyes were exhausted, there were dark circles forming beneath them; the glow and the happiness he previously had from a successful launching event and time spent well had dispersed under the gloom. “It was supposed to happen in the end, anyway”

“Nonetheless, I’m sorry” I sighed, “We all are. The truth is, we saw everything, and though we thought it would pass, it was nothing; I guess we knew the truth, deep down, but we were just in denial because we didn’t want to be the ones breaking the bad news to you…” I gulped, and looked down at my hands clasped on the table. “We were trying to avoid the guilt, I guess…but that really didn’t work out that way”

“But you meant well” Sung Gyu carried on in that same, small voice. “You meant well. There’s nothing for you to feel guilty about. It was never your fault”

I nodded. Yet I still couldn’t shake off that feeling, the feeling which said that we, somehow encouraged what happened. Maybe we could have intervened in Sung Gyu’s absence. I could have. As a woman, as a friend. I could have spoken to Sujeong myself and explained to her why she shouldn’t do this to Sung Gyu, that he was a wonderful person, that he didn’t deserve it. But then again, I was never in the place to do so. At that moment, in that situation, I was only and only the person sitting behind the cashier; I had no say in Kim Sung Gyu’s personal life, not in his absence, not as much as I did now.

“Will you be…okay?” I asked him, knowing the answer very well myself. It was written all over his face.

A small, but genuine smile appeared on his lips, which disappeared as soon as it came. He lifted his eyes to look at me. “No” He said, and shook his head. “But I will be. I have to be…. after all, this is life”

We didn’t talk about it afterwards for the entire day. I remained seated before him, thinking it could be of any consolation though I didn’t do much, and I watched him as he sipped on his drink, his eyes in a distance, mind not in place. He had the wrap too, without asking questions, without a complaint. And so I knew that he would come around, as he should; as long as the right people stayed beside him every step of the way.

Two weeks later, Sung Gyu came to the shop as we were about to close, sat in a different place than usual, ordered nothing, but sat and waited asking questions from himself under his breath. “Why am I doing this? Why am I here?”

Concerned, I left what I was doing for Myung Soo to continue, and sat in the chair before him.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I watched him attentively, him pressing both his tightened fists on his temples as if him doing that would smother whatever the whirlwind that was raging in his mind..

He shook his head. Then his hand reached into his jacket which he still hadn’t taken off, only to produce a sleek white card with neat embossed patterns framing it. Inside, there was a photograph of Woohyun and Sujeong happily hugging each other, her head against his chest, smiling. I suppose it was a sight which ripped his frail heart apart. Pursing my lips, I opened it and scanned the content of the wedding invitation. It blatantly mentioned only his name, as if shoving it in his face that he was left on his own. I sighed and ed it back on the table. “I hate them”

Sung Gyu chuckled darkly, his palms pressed onto his face, hiding his hurt from my searching eyes. “My girlfriend is marrying my best friend. They’re inviting me to their wedding…” he sniffed and finally put down his hands. “Can you believe it? I feel like I’m in a situation comedy”

“You’re not going anywhere with your bad jokes” I told him.

“I’m not going anywhere. Especially not to the bloody wedding” Sung Gyu sighed, and looked out the glass panel as people passed by in a hustle. Somewhere in a corner, a couple huddled under a yellow umbrella and watched each other passionately, as if they didn’t dare let go of each other. In the bus stop, a lonely girl sat by herself, watching the evening playing out before her. “You don’t have to go to the wedding with a bad joke” I told him distractedly. “You can go there with a girl”

Silence ensued, and when I turned to look back at him, he stared at me as if I had grown two horns. “You’re kidding me”

I shrugged. “You know, the best revenge is showing her that you’re doing well without her. If you don’t go, it will imply defeat. You don’t want to give Woohyun that satisfaction”

“Woohyun is a slimy bastard” Sung Gyu said with a straight face. “Anything will give him that satisfaction”

“But if you stay home just moping around, he’d think he had won”

Sung Gyu sighed. “Hasn’t he won, anyway?”

“He’s won Sujeong’s heart. True” I agreed. “But that doesn’t mean you won’t win a girl’s heart either”

Sung Gyu laughed in response, condescendingly. “Yeah, right”

“That’s the truth!” I argued in return. “See, the thing about Woohyun is that he probably was so sure of what he did. He was precise of what he felt while you were…I don’t know, insecure”

He raised his brows. “And the point is?”

“That only made Woohyun the ideal person in her eyes”

“Geeze, thanks. That helped”

“You know what I mean” I sighed.

“You’re only saying this because he’s short”

“I’m not saying it because he’s short!” I reprimanded, taking offense in his retort. “What I’m telling you is, for once, you have to be sure of yourself. Maybe she didn’t feel bound enough to you. Sure, you loved her, but you didn’t show her your true emotions, Sung gyu. You didn’t show her your true self. Maybe she didn’t feel connected to you as much as she felt connected to him”

Sung Gyu pursed his lips. “I don’t see how all that has anything to do with going to the wedding” He said.

“It’s not about the wedding” I returned. “It’s about you. Besides, I’m sure you’re curious about how things will play out, and the last thing I want you to do is hover outside the venue like a ghost, all on your own”

“Why are you telling me all this anyway” Sung Gyu pushed on. “I told you, it wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to do anything out of guilt-,”

“It’s not out of guilt, Sung Gyu-Ssi” I responded defensively. “It’s because I have seen the real you” I gestured at him, at myself, at the space between us as if it all provided the answers. “This, this is you. The real you. And she couldn’t value that because it’s not what she saw or knew”

Sung Gyu raised his brows. “And you have seen the real me then?”

“I’m seeing it every day, calling me a peanut, hating Myung Soo, having petty arguments with Sung Jong, playing rivals with Sung Yeol-”

“I don’t know if that means anything” Sung Gyu sighed and pressed both his hands on his face. When he spoke again, his voice was low, muffled and distant. “And I don’t know if I should go to the wedding. To be honest, I don’t know anything…”

I pursed my lips and watched him for a fleeting moment. His dark hair was a rumpled mess, and his long, slender fingers had turned pink in the early autumn cold. In fact, he looked broken, miserable, lost in the cross roads of his derailed love life. In my eyes, he needed a closure, an end to everything. And it was something he just couldn’t achieve alone.

“Look” I said, reached over and pulled his hands off his face. “I’ll help”

“They’re getting married” Sung Gyu shook his head dejectedly. “There’s nothing we can do”

“But you can still get a closure Sung Gyu-Ssi” I pushed on, not daring to back away. Because for some reason I knew that he wasn’t planning to either; at least, not without answers. “You can get a closure, and then you can move on”

Sung Gyu finally lifted his head to survey me. “And how are we going to do that?”

“Let’s go to the wedding” I said with utmost resolve. “Together. I’ll be your date for the day, and we will get answers”

Sung Gyu rolled his eyes. “That’s a call for disaster, Kkong”

“So what?” I raised my brows challengingly. “You lost your girlfriend, you lost your best friend. What else have you got to lose?”

“Nothing, I guess” Sung Gyu sighed. In the long, quiet moment which passed afterwards, he seemed to contemplate everything; the options he had left, the choices he had to consider. In the end, I decided that he required a mug of coffee to boost the thinking process. Just as I was about to stand and provide hi, that, he caught my hand. “Kkong” He said with determination. “Let’s do it. Let’s go to the wedding”

It’s been years since I last attended a wedding. Being the only-child of a family, which had had a single offspring for generations and generations that had passed, there weren’t many people in the family who got married recently. I hadn’t many aunts, or cousins; almost none from my mother’s side and just a handful from my father’s. The last wedding ceremony I was invited to, was about five years ago, when I was fresh out of high school, waiting to attend college, and I looked pretty much like a twelve-year-old at that time that dressing up wasn’t a significant necessity. But to be attending someone’s wedding as another person’s date did require dressing up to some extent, even more so if you had the likes of a fifteen-year-old teenaged nerd and if your date was exceedingly attractive and had recently had his heart broken. My sense on fashion in regard to wedding attire apparently wasn’t enough to make the cut. Sung Jong and Sung Yeol had to intervene in the end, and I was forced into a pink lacy frill dress, heeled pumps and curlers on my hair. The reflection on my mirror reminded me of a Russian porcelain doll. Nonetheless, I hadn’t time, and my looking good wasn’t the purpose of the occasion either. The subject of the quest was standing outside my bedroom in my studio apartment with a somber face and a deflated self-worth. I had to take a move.

Sung Gyu was sitting in a kitchen chair next to a pile of cook books, looking as lost and distracted as ever, dressed in a smart suit which didn’t go with the predicament he was in at the very moment. Sung Jong and Sung Yeol left the moment Sung Gyu rang me up from down the street, leaving me behind looking like a china doll fresh out of package, and I had let Sung gyu in by telling him my pass code over the phone. He hadn’t seen me yet. He’d been in the kitchen since. And when I finally walked out of the room, wobbling on my feet, Sung Gyu looked up, his eyes transfixed on me and looking a little dazed as if I had a pair of fluttering wings on my back. Perhaps that was the only thing I was missing right now. And a wand. Also, a bit of fairy dust.

“Hi” I greeted, holding a pillar in order to regain my balance. Being short came with its perks, and my legs weren’t made for six inch heels even though they were a necessity.

“Are you okay?” Sung Gyu made it towards me and cautiously grabbed my arm, steadying me. “You needn’t to put so much effort, it’s just a wedding”

“Not just a wedding” I said, surveying him. If his already dark eyes and obvious eye bags weren’t bad enough, his dark, wavy hair was rumpled and fell carelessly over his eyes, suiting his sour mood just about right, yet it wasn’t exactly the look or disposition one must be sporting when they were about to attend the wedding of an ex-girlfriend. “I knew you’d come looking like a potato” I tutted, tugging at his hair. “Hold on, let’s fix this”

With a hair brush and a pot of hair gel which I retrieved from the dresser in my hands, I made Sung Gyu sit down on the chair before me and started doing his hair. It had a nice texture to it, soft to the touch, silken and falling easily through the partings of my fingers. I brushed it upwards, revealing his broad forehead and hairlines, and felt my heart picking up. His eye-brows were nicely set, perhaps even better than mine has ever been. Though his eyes were naturally small and had an almond like outline to them, his eye lashes were elegant and long, they fluttered gracefully every time he blinked. He was beautiful.

I cleared my throat when his eyes met mine. We were about to go and witness his girlfriend marrying his best friend, and the last thing I wanted was to start feeling giddy in the presence of him. “So, how do you usually do your hair?” I asked conversationally, all because the lack of conversation with him while all we had done all those months together was talking, was making things awkward between us.

“I don’t know” He shrugged. “I don’t care really. It looked fine”

I scoffed. “Should have seen for yourself” I said, picking up the hairbrush from the table. I brushed his hair to a side, but it kept falling into his eyes since he hadn’t taken a cut for god knows how long. Frustrated, I coated my hand with a blob of hair gel, slid my fingers through his bangs, and after minutes of struggle and effort while he rapped his fingers impatiently, I finally set it up in a classy up do, revealing his forehead and the almond-like quality of his eyes. He looked mesmerizing. I had to keep reminding myself that all we will ever be were very, very good friends.

“It’s done” I muttered, and tried not to meet his eyes. He was looking over at me nonetheless, there was a strange glimmer in them, something close to amusement, delight. I took a step back, ignoring him. But then I lost balance that Sung Gyu had to reach out and put his hands around my waist. “Told you, the shoes aren’t necessary” He said in a small, raspy voice. I tried my best to avoid his gaze, but my eyes fell into his anyway. Now it was a struggle of not getting lost in the universe that they held.

“It’s so weird when you’re tall like this” He carried on and finally retrieved his hands, finally giving me space to breath. “I’m so used to you being a peanut around me”

“But then I’ll look terrible. People wouldn’t see me. They’d step on me.” I pouted.

“They won’t. I won’t let them” He said, almost with resolve, and when he looked up at me, he smiled, his eyes crinkled into crescent moons, and-

Oh my god.

“D-don’t be ridiculous” I stammered and stepped away. I shouldn’t let him slip in through the doors to my heart. I shouldn’t let him. “Didn’t you say it was getting late? Come on!”

Sung Gyu chuckled from behind me as I waddled my way through the debacle which was my house. I knew the shoes were a bad idea. My legs were already giving away even though I’d been wearing them for as long as twenty minutes, and if I were to survive in them for another hour or so, I wouldn’t be able to walk for a week. Therefore, for good measure I picked a pair of ballet flats at the foot of the door. Sung Gyu opened the door from behind me and gave another one of his amused smiles. “Ready?”

I wasn’t sure if I actually was. But with a nod, I agreed.

Just like Sung Gyu had claimed earlier, going to his girlfriend’s and best friend’s wedding with a fake date was a resilient call for disaster. The warning signals sprouted out all the way from the beginning. While in the car I realized that I wouldn’t last in those shoes for long without the prospect of passing out in the crowd that I resorted to wearing the ballet flats instead, which made me look like an abducted child-bride next to Sung Gyu. We got lost on the way to the reception hall since he had distractedly (perhaps purposefully, even) driven on the wrong way, and by the time we arrived at the wedding, the ceremonial bit had already passed. And making the matters worse, Sung Gyu’s resolve had completely diminished in a matter of minutes and was refusing to make another a step towards the reception hall. Just as I had predicted, he was standing outside the entrance, staring down at the velvet plaque which announced their wedding reception, hands folded on his chest and endlessly questioning under his breath “Why am I doing this? What am I doing here?”

I had to take the matter into my own hands and encourage Sung Gyu to man up and face the reality without crumbling into pieces and letting him take the trophy without a fight. That’s what I told him, as he stood in front of a flower wreath, looking down at the greetings hanging on its sides as if they personally offended him. Once I was done with my account of making things clear to him, he turned to face me with a frown in his eyes. “I think I will cry if I see them” He told me, his voice coated in genuine desolation. “There’s so much more to this than you know, Won Bin-ah”

I pursed my lips and tugged at his tie which had crooked to a side during his mental breakdown. “If you don’t go in and make things clear for everyone that you’re doing well without her, you’d be the loser in their eyes. Do you want that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think I’d mind that”

“You’re insane” I said in response. “This is as easy as a cupcake, Sung Gyu-Ssi, all you have to do is sit there in a table with me, have a free meal, give your well wishes to the couple, and then we leave”

“Easy for you to say” He muttered under his breath. “I don’t think I’d give my well wishes. I honestly don’t want to give them well wishes. That’s suicide”

“You wouldn’t know unless you try” I pressed on. “Come on, we came all the way here. Let’s do this at least for the cake”

And for the cake we went in and made ourselves comfortable in a table in the back which was just a few feet away from the exit. Sung Gyu got himself a champagne from a passing waiter, then another, and another, as if getting drunk on a minimal amount of alcohol would help him relax his disarrayed mind; and we both watched despondently as the married couple walked through the plethora of crowd, holding hands and smiling brightly. I was usually a lively, positive person in wedding receptions because I always felt genuinely happy for the married couples even though I had been alone all my life; but today, for some reason, Sung Gyu’s sour mood had rubbed off on me. Seeing how delighted and madly-in-love the newlyweds were, I began to feel a little left out in the crowd. Here I was, in a wedding ceremony with a heart broken man with whom I had no prospects of happiness together. The universe was indeed against us.

And Sujeong looked breathtaking, if that was any befitting to my disposition. She was a beautiful bride. If her deep dimples and smiling eyes didn’t make her look so remarkably exquisite, the way her hair was done in an elegant chignon, and how the train of her pearly bridal dress flowed gracefully behind her with every step she made, gave her the brilliance of a true angel on earth. She was beautiful, charming, pleasant for the eyes. No wonder she robbed Sung Gyu of his heart…and threw it on to the backburner for the heart of another. Honestly that didn’t make me feel any better. If anything, Sung Gyu was sighing endlessly behind me.

Woohyun too, looked better than ever before. He had always been on the handsome side. His features were unworldly, sculpture-like. His tanned skin had a lovely shine and when he smiled, his eye formed crescent moons, somewhat different from those Sung Gyu had, beautiful nevertheless. To be honest, I wouldn’t blame Sujeong. Just looking at his brilliant smile made my head feel lighter; as if it was spontaneous. And it was much better than having Sung Gyu’s sour mood spreading onto you like a virus.

Regardless, I had expected Sung Gyu to start acting up when the couple would come to our table. In fact, he already was, whispering in my ear, informing me that they were getting closer in a small, painful voice that it would have broken my heart if it weren’t for the moment. Sung Gyu’s face was crumpled, just staring at Sujeong though it was evident that he was trying to keep a straight face. When they were just two feet away from our table, however, Sung Gyu was back to himself, like his mood had switched in a mere instance. He smiled at the both of them generously, and shook Woohyun’s hand as if he was genuinely happy for him. I was confused. Wasn’t he about to flitter into pieces just a moment ago?

“And this is Seo Won Bin” Sung Gyu was soon introducing me in a voice which sounded anything but affected. “Won Bin, this is Woohyun and…” A soft sigh passed from him. “Sujeong, my-,”

I turned to him and threw a look of alarm. He was just about to say something sensitive, unnerving. I suppose it came to him just as naturally ‘My girlfriend’. He must have said that to people thousand million times. He cleared his throat and looked away. I quickly ed my hand and shook Woohyun’s defiantly. “Nice to meet you. And congratulations”

“So, you’re Won Bin” Said Woohyun with an undeterred smile. He met Sung Gyu’s eyes, giving him a knowing look. “I have heard a lot about you” he said.

About me? I looked at Sung Gyu and saw something flash across his eyes for a fleeting moment. Had he really talked about me with Woohyun? They’ve been best friends, and Sung Gyu’s been a part of the flower boy Coffee family for at least four months now. It’s possible that he had shared a word or two about me. Then Woohyun should have…

No, he didn’t know me. It was evident that he was seeing me for the first time.

“Congratulations, Woohyun-ah…Sujeongie” Sung Gyu muttered finally, once he had gained his courage to do so. I could sense his voice cracking, wavering. And when I tried to take his hand in mine in a friendly gesture, his fingers curled into a tight fist. Sung Gyu gave them a forced smile. “I’m happy for you” His fisted hand then raised and dipped into his pocket. “And if anything…” he said, and pulled his hand out, soon producing a white suede jewelry box with a golden lining. My eyes widened, and for a moment, I was holding my breath. His voice echoed loudly in my mind. ‘There’s so much to this than you know, Won Bin-ah’

“…I guess this belongs to you” Sung Gyu said softly, and as both Woohyun and I watched him, pretty much frozen to the spot, Sung Gyu lifted Sujeong’s hand and placed the box in her lace-covered palm. He smiled, yet his eyes were b with tears. He couldn’t hold up any longer. He took one step back, then another. And soon fled out of the hall, hasty and as fast as his long legs could take him. All I could do at that time was longingly stare at his retreating back, my heart breaking incessantly inside me.