I had promised myself that I would lie on my deathbed on the first snowfall. Preferably alone – without the companion of others. My old friends would surely disagree, for they had been with me for far too long. Centuries, millennias – years that went and gone, disappeared all too quickly in the blink of an eye.

For many, death was a gateway to the otherworld. The journey to the unknown, though, still held fear on human. Those gentle, tender species with capable hearts. I was once human, too, once upon a very long time ago. Immortality was a dream then. It became a nightmare now upon realisation. Sometimes, it almost felt as if my soul had drifted for too long without purpose. That I had lived my life too extravagantly and regretlessly, like a ghost that wandered on the corner of this earth, waiting.

Human used to fear and worship us. This mask we wore as appearance was a permanent one. Every time I looked into the mirror, I saw but a lady in the prime of her beauty, adorned by very pretty features that resembled a celestial being, except for those bloodshot eyes. I was vain, too, once. Even as a human, I had always been pretty, but being a vampire enhanced all my best features and made me more. When I was young, when girls cared only for their outer look and their marriage prospect to the rich, I felt liberated. I felt powerful.

And now I lived in a simple hut by the riverside on the foot of the mountain somewhere in Switzerland. Alone. At peace. Finally ready. It had been years now since the Council of vampires announced their cure to immortality, granting us death at long last. It took me years before I firmly decided on the most perfect time to say farewell to the old and welcome the new. I didn’t believe that death would be the end – merely a passing to something else. Something more exciting and mysterious.

My childhood friend, Jun, was my first visit in China. Too much had changed since our era. China was now more powerful than ever. They also grew more open to the changes around humanity, such that their land was now home to many vampires, including three Noble clans from a total of seven. Jun and I were once sold to be slaves to these Nobles. We were few of the fortunate ones that made it out alive, while many others died at the brutal dealings of the vampires.

Jun was still quiet and pretty. He had always been beautiful – with pale skin and tender eyes. We were once promised to each other until slavery tore us apart. The first world war to humankind took away too much of us – mentally and physically. Lives lost, poverty-stricken, combined with the monopolizing policy the vampires imposed on us forced many of the lower-class families to sell their children to the Nobles as playthings. Some drained of their bloods, some ually abused, and others worked without ever seeing the sunlight again.

I was assigned to the Oh family from the East coast. They were powerful but passive. Over the years, only two of the purebloods stayed alive. Jun went with the Wen family – the biggest and conveniently, the most compassionate, in the whole China empire. We stayed apart during our early years and only reunited again when I was sixteen and he, fifteen. Four years of separation taught us many things we had not known before. Hardships, violence, tears, and longing to see each other again.

“If we make it out alive,” He said with water gathering on his lower lids. There was so much hesitation in his voice – unfitting for a boy who looked so young but already weary and tired. Jun held my hand tightly that night as we sneaked out from the campfire. It had been easy because there were too many people present and so few guards. Almost half of the guests were vampires, and they did not fight amongst each other, only against human. To exercise control and gain their fear and respect.

“What will you do, Jun? I doubt we would meet each other often after tonight,” I was young, and so was he. We both carried a different burden on our shoulder. But this feeling was a little different. I surprised myself by falling hard in love despite knowing that we could never be together. My first taste of love was bitter and sweet.

He kissed me hard. First kiss was a peck, almost crash my front teeth. Then he pulled away, stunned. Obviously inexperienced. But then we drew back to each other, almost like a magnet, and I leaned in for another kiss, this time slow and unsure. My first kiss was sloppy. Dry. Bitter with a taste of tea and sand and dust, among other insignificant things. My heart was beating so fast that I could swear the loud sound resonated in my ears and refused to go away no matter what. My eyes saw the vast sky, and his eyes, reflecting mine. Wars had changed us. We were no longer children.

I never saw Jun again for centuries after. I never understood what he wanted to say that night, and when I thought he had died of old age, I wept in my bed. We spent our adolescence years together, amidst the battle ground and the crying noises of our neighbours. What I had for him was something special – a feeling of acceptance, absolute helplessness, and immense longing. It was only later, when the twenty first century almost came to an end, that he got hold of my whereabouts and sent me a message that he was well and alive and would like to see me for a while.

Too many things went unspoken and absolved into silence. I never went to the meeting as he asked, and never kept in contact. I thought at least for one last time, we should see each other again. For a final farewell. For a conclusion that I never got to have.

“Sara,” Jun smiled. The weary lines had been replaced by old-age wisdom. He looked every inch noble as the family who took him in. Wen Junhui had not changed the slightest, only paler if possible, with two tiny fangs that protruded out when he opened his lips slightly. He made a fine specimen of vampires. My heart gave a tiny jolt when I saw his extended hands, and I took it in graciously. We embraced each other in that handshake, in the awkward politeness that came with time and distance. “I’ve read your letter.”

“Then you must know the reason I’m here?” I replied calmly.

“We have not seen each other for far too long, Sara,” He reminded. There was a flash of sadness that went away as quickly as it came. Perhaps he was reminiscing the past. But our pasts were never worth remembering. Too many deaths and loss during the wars that we seemed to have wasted all our tears from it. I never saw my parents again after. “I’m quite surprised to know that you want to meet up with me. I thought after that letter, you have forsaken our promises.”

‘If we make it out alive’. A simple sentence, yet the memory of it brought pain and endless ‘what if’s. I once wondered what life would be like if I had been a little braver then. Had we escaped together from the camp and started a life, perhaps we would live to old age and die next to each other. But those daydreams had vanished as time passed. “I am here to bid you my final farewell, Old Friend. One last favour I owe you before I pass away to the otherworld.”

During wars, the fact that we could even live on for another day was a miracle. Living and dying was too close of a call for both of us at that time. We dared not promise, dared not love, dared not live. We only hoped. But we learnt over time, that hope alone was never enough. One must lived with courage, even if to live, sometimes, required far greater courage than to die. Jun understood this better than anyone, that there was nothing we could have changed then. We were far too young and scared.

“I wonder,” Jun spoke in that melancholic stare and mellow voice. He did not blame me, but I couldn’t free myself completely of guilt. “Why had you come to see me, Sara? To bring nostalgia of the past? To tell me the truth we never dare face after all these years?”

“Yes and no,” With a sweet, guiltless smile, I faced him. “It’s been too long since I wonder everyday of my youth whether we would ever be together. Or if we would ever see each other again. If we’ll die or if we’ll live another day. Did you persist like I did, Jun? Did you fight hard to see another sunlight and stay sane? What did you want to tell me back then, Jun? What if we made it out alive, as you said? Would our lives be different than the ones we are living now?”

There was that sweet torture of silence that took place right after. I had said all that I could say. ‘Have you thought of me the way I thought of you?’ Even without the longing present at the moment, I could still feel, after many, many years, how my love for him had once been. All it took was a look, a glance, a smile, and I would remember. My first love brought me such agony that I spent nights praying to no avail. I knew back then, that no prayer would bring back his feelings. I stopped praying ever since.

“Of course I did. I had never been truly happy since then, but what power do I have to stand against the universe when it conspires against us?” He laughed bitterly, and I knew then and there, that he had missed me too. That was all the answer I needed, so I stood up and walked to him. He, too, watched me with his eyes, as sharp as ever. My eyes were a little wet but there was no tears falling. It was the universe that we blamed, in fear that every other answer would hurt a little more.

“I really, really liked you once. At least know that my feelings for you was true,” I smiled and gave him a friendly hug. His scent had long been forgotten. His broad shoulder covered the sadness that I had as I watched his lone figure closed the door for one last time. I prayed for his happiness once more, but a thousand years experience could hurt so. And death was sometimes, the best solution there was. We had lived for far too long, after all.