Woohyun’s POV:

I wake up later just to find out that I am not in my room at either dorm or my parents’ house. I am in the unfamiliar white room with my mom and brother who are showing me their relieved expression. It has been 2 days since I passed out and I really need to see my little hamster so I asked my brother to go back home and bring it to me.

It is the hamster note book Sunggyu Hyung gave me on random day. And the reason was…..”I hate being called hamster you know. But When I came across the bookstore and saw this cute hamster notebook, I can’t help but just buy it. I hope it will remind you of me every time.”

It is also when I found a new habit of writing a diary on my little hamster note book.

I start to record what happened on the day I passed out.

After I had a serious talk with my CEO about upcoming contract renewal of Infinite with Woollim Entertainment, I clearly expected this would happen. Sunggyu Hyung opened the door of my room at the dorm harshly without caring to shut it back. I saw the fire burning in his brown tiny eyes which I always adore too much whenever he looks at me very fondly. Right now it was full of anger and furious.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING, NAM WOOHYUN?” I flinched at the very first time of him shouting at me after all the 7 years together, and 5 years of us dating secretly, with only infinite members, our mangers, our parents of course who are aware of this truth.

His angry voice attracted all the members’ attention as they rushed inside my room too. Dongwoo Hyung was trying to calm my boyfriend down by patting his shoulder but he just pulled his hand back off his shoulder.

“Are you mute now?”

“Can’t you just respect my decision?”

“How the you expect me to happily wish you a better life after you decided to discontinue the contract?” He shouted at me again as my tear threatened to fall down.

“Yes Namu. Think about it again. We’ve been through many hardships together until we have today. Why did you give up on us easily?” Our cold city boy of infinite said sadly, looking at me.

“I’m very tired with Idol life. I really hope you guys understand about this. I know it will affect infinite with my absence temporarily but I believe you guys will handle it very well soon.”

“Don’t make a rush decision Woohyun.” I know Dongwoo hyung might think that it was just a phase which discouraged me for just only temporary. But it was not. I had a reason to leave.

“I’ve been thinking over and over again already Dongwoo Hyung. And I’m packing my staff soon to leave. Jungyeop Hyung said he will announce my leave from infinite once I leave the dorm.”

“Oh My God.” The maknae huffed once he heard what I said earlier.  “What about Infinite V? You and Sunggyu Hyung supposed to form sub-unit group soon after we signed the contract and our comeback. Did you just give up on both of your and hyung’s dream?” Sungjong added.

“Probably.” I wanted to cry already.

“You were trying to convince me to not leave infinite a few months ago when I wanted to go. And when I decided to stay, you suddenly dropped a bombshell of your leaving our group. Are you ing kidding me?”

It was true that our dance machine used to think about leaving infinite once our contract expired. All 6 of us were trying to find all the means and asked him to think over and over again because it was not just a small decision to be made. We are family, we are brother. Leaving the family members behind like this was not an easy path to walk through. That was why before a month of our contract expiration, he informed us his new decision to continue staying as a complete infinite for another 7 years. We were really happy and had a party that night promising to walk on the path together more. But fate decided to play with me when I found out the reason why I shouldn’t continue with Infinite anymore. Everything could be changed in just a minute. So could my decision.

“I’m really sorry. But I won’t change my decision.” I kept holding firmly on my decision even it really broke my heart and my members’ especially a certain someone.

“If you really decide to walk this way, then……………………………….It will also be the end of us too.” Finally, Sunggyu Hyung said this. It was always what I wanted to hear but it broke me into pieces after hearing that too.

“I also don’t wish to be together with you again after I leave here.” Ok good. You did a great job Woohyun. Fighting.

“Hyung, he’s your boyfriend. The one you love and loves you back so much. How could you say this to him?” Our angry Sungyeollie was always scary. He was right. I shouldn’t have said this. But it was the best for infinite. For him, Sunggyu Hyung.

“Fine.” I could sense the tremble in Sunggyu Hyung’s voice but he tried to hide it. What he did next startled everyone in my room including me. He walked over to the wall where a big Infinite members’ picture frame was stick on before shrugging it off. He threw the picture on the floor forcefully as the glass broke into million shades of piece. He then walked over to my bed to where a small photo frame of our picture together placed on the nearby small table next to my bed. It was the latest taken picture I loved the most among the picture taken between me and Sunggyu Hyung. It was shot when Sunggyu kissed my cheek while both of us carrying my birthday cake this year, before the one we actually celebrated on stage at Thailand. I wanted to stop him but it was too late. Another photo frame was broken.

Sunggyu Hyung stormed outside of my room followed by all the members who left no last words to me. I understood that they were really angry with me because I disappointed them. We were supposed to come back as soon as our contract got renewed but I just turned down our expectation. If I were them, I would be also damn angry at myself too. I no longer was able to hold back my tear anymore so I let it fall down on my cheeks. I crouched down to pick up infinite’s picture under the million broken glasses of frame and my picture with Sunggyu Hyung before start packing my staffs and left.

Good bye Infinite. Good bye the love of my life.

I parked my Bentley in front of my parents’ house. I killed off the engine and walked lifelessly inside to be greeted by my brother and my mother. I broke into tear again when both of them wrapped their warm arms around me and whispered it’s ok next to my ears.

“Mom…Hyung………Why? Why?............Why do I have last stage of liver cancer? Why………… I only have three months left from now????? Whyyyyyyy???”

 I remembered myself crying furiously like a water fall until it soaked my mom’s and hyung’s shirt. They didn’t say anything more but comforted me by patting my back. It just made me even more in pain.

“I want to live. I want to stay with Sunggyu Hyung. I love him I love Infinite but why why?” This was the last voice from me before I fell unconscious and there I am now…. In the hospital. 

***

Here I am again writing everything happened to me in my cutest hamster diary. It had been a month already since I am admitted to private hospital where my father’s best friend is the owner. I am placed at the restricted area where only my family members are allowed to enter. The reason I am sent here because of my liver cancer, also the start of my plan to leave infinite as well around 2 months ago. The doctor said I should better stay in hospital from now on so that whenever I am hurt, they can cure me on time.

The whole country now already knew about my departure from Infinite. All the fans are trying to talk to me through my Instagram account but I cannot respond back to all my lovely girlfriends because no one is supposed to know about my wear-bout right now, not when I am diagnosed with last stage of liver cancer and could die anytime in the hospital.

It is even sadder when all my members especially my Gyu Hyung haven’t contacted me since the day I left the dorm. What else can I expect from them to care about me when I am the one who abandoned them in the first place. I don’t deserve their affection and care toward a coward like me.

For a whole month, I didn’t go anywhere but stay in the hospital room all the time. My mom, dad and Boohyun Hyung always pay me a visit whenever they are free from their works. I know exactly that they are also hurt not less than myself. That’s why I keep telling myself to be strong during the last stage of my life for them, keep going until I see the comeback of infinite one last time.

Infinite already announced their comeback in around 2 months later and now they are working so hard on the new choreography. I am far more than happy to hear this news, as much as all inspirits that are eagerly waiting for that day for too long already.

“I really miss you guys.”

“Gyu Hyung? Do you miss me like I miss you every day?”

*tears drop on the paper*

***

Hello Hamster again,

I’m sorry I just have a chance to write here again because these days I receive cancer treatment a lot lately to ease my pain and delay the time of my life expectancy. It is really hurt. I need a long time to gather my strength back to start writing again.

Another month had passed like a blink of an eye. My condition gets worse from day to day both physically and emotionally. As I always stay at hospital, I do not really have much to write until today. It is a special day which my cute maknae finally called me.

He is very curious of my disappearance even social media cannot hunt my trace to know where I am or what I am doing. He said that he really wanted to call me sooner than this but they are really busy and infinite starts to have hectic schedule again after informing their comeback stage. He even apologized to me on behalf of the team that ignored me simply because they are still angry with my departure but Sungjong assured me that they will forgive and contact me soon. But Can I really wait for that day?

Being maknae as Sungjong is, he kept complaining about my Gyu Hyung’s seriousness to group rehearsal of their new songs for comeback and keeps nagging at them all the time. No wonder, He is the nagging grandpa of Infinite after all. However, I am starting to be worried sick about my Hyung right now since Sungjong told me that after I left, Sunggyu Hyung almost becomes second Myungsoo, talk less and always put on his cold expression. He becomes second Hoya that practices day and night either with group or individually. More importantly, the squishy cheeks I used to adore too much and still do now are no longer to be seen. He seems to lose too much weight based on the pictures Sungjong sent me after I begged him to secretly took his photo. I just told Sungjong that even we broke up, it’s not wrong just to know how he’s doing. I tried my best to sound normal not the sound of a soon-dying Woohyun.

I cannot stop myself from seeing Sunggyu Hyung. I decide to secretly leave hospital in the night because I might die of missing my hyung and wanting to see him in person after two months apart. I’ll come back and tell you later.

***

No one’s POV:

Woohyun waits until the hospital is supposed to be a little deserted at night and makes his way out through the private elevator with him being disguised in normal oversized t- and simple plain jean without forgetting to cover himself with a hoodie and mask.

He knows it is too risky to stay away from hospital when he is having the incurable end-stage of liver cancer. He could have died immediately if a serious upper abdominal gets him in pain as no other specialized doctor could be able to treat him on time when no one didn’t even know about him leaving from hospital at all. He didn’t tell his mom or anyone because he knows clearly that they would never allow him to go. But he really wants to see Sunggyu at least for the last time before he dies. 

He looks at the night view of Seoul City from inside taxi which he hasn’t seen almost two months already so it makes him feel lively and fresh, a lot better than locking himself in the hospital room.

The taxi already dropped him off at his destination which he chose to be a little farther than infinite’s dorm just in case he’d run into any members. His purpose is not to make his presence visible in their eyes, but to observe them from a far especially his Hamster leader.

That is why he hides himself in a few blocks away from the high building which their dorm is located on the top floor, but it still could offer him a full view of the entrance.

Like expected, infinite members will be back to dorm at around 11pm after their dance practice or vocal training class. Managers would drop them in front of the entrance and drive to the parking lot before following them up to the dorm.

The first ones to get off are Sungyeol and Myungsoo. They are still clinging to each other as Myungsoo has his arm wrapped around Sungyeol shoulder. Woohyun finds it cute even Sungyeol is a little taller than L, they still make a perfect couple.

Dongwoo and Hoya get out from the car afterwards but something is strange between them. Dongwoo walks hurriedly inside without sparing a glance at Hoya who is trying to shake his hand like a little kid wanted something from his mother. Probably, they are having a kind of kid fight between each other again. Woohyun chuckles slightly.

Woohyun expects Sungjong to enter the entrance with the leader of the group but what he sees is Sungjong alone who looks rather tired as he walks like a zombie entering the apartment building.

He waits a little more to see if Sunggyu might have something to talk with their managers but the car already disappeared out of sight which meant Sunggyu is not coming back with the other members. “The question is where is he?”

Woohyun grows worried over the love of his life but tries to stop himself from calling to his hamster instead he sent a short quick text to the maknae.

“Jonggie ah- how are you today and the others?”

A few seconds later he gets a reply back from him.

“Very exhausted hyung. Same to others ohhh I haven’t seen Sunggyu Hyung the whole day so I don’t know. He isn’t even in the dorm now.”

Woohyun grows even more impatient after hearing Sungjong’s answer. He knows Sunggyu is far better in taking care of himself but still he couldn’t help being worried about Sunggyu’s health and safety. He might be still over practicing like Sungjong told him. He might miss his meal again. He might not sleep well even right now he moves to sleep in Woohyun’s room at the dorm leaving Myungyeol Couple in their original room. That could also give him a perfect reason to come home back late at night without bothering a light-sleeper like Sungyeol when he enters the room.

Woohyun decides to wait a little more but he feels the energy almost drifted out of his body. The night gets colder in this month so Woohyun could only rub his hands together to produce some heat to warm up his pale cold cheeks.

He literally jerks up from his position when a taxi stopped in front of the building he has been keeping an eye on the whole night. He sighs in relief when the familiar figure gets out from the taxi. The first thing comes to his mind after seeing Sunggyu is he surely lost a lot of weight recently.

Woohyun sees Sunggyu has difficulty in walking like he is too much drunk and couldn’t manage to stand properly. Woohyun’s jaw drops and his legs run out from his hiding position immediately when Sunggyu fell down on the ground and struggled to get up but failed and already passed out at the end.

“Gyu Hyung.” Woohyun crouchs down next to a drunk Sunggyu and grabs the leader’s arm helping him to get up. He places Sunggyu’s arm over his shoulder, quickly walks into the apartment building. He is thankful that it is already late at night and the security guard kind of falls asleep at the counter next to the entrance so that he could go in the elevator without any barriers.

Even Sunggyu has lost weight, Woohyun still has trouble in dragging Sunggyu until they reach their apartment door. He then enters the passcode.

He sorta wishes the members wouldn’t gather together in the living room right now because as usual, they will go to their room once they enter the dorm at night. God did stay on his side.

He doesn’t bother to turn on the light as he directly drags Sunggyu to his old room at the dorm. He opens the door and puts Sunggyu down on bed carefully and immediately turns around to leave. But a grip around his thin wrist stops him. He thought Sunggyu already passed out.

“Hyunnie.....” Woohyun is tensed, unable to move a step further. He really misses how to be addressed like this by his hamster. He really misses the one who said this too.

“Are....y-you my Woohyunnie?” He wanted to thank god again since Sunggyu didn’t recognize him at all but some part of him feels hurt.

“N-no.”

“Aniya.......you are my Woohyunnie. Your..... strawberry scent is like my Woohyunnie.” Sunggyu pulls Woohyun’s hand down a bit harshly making him land his on the bed. He wanted to get up but Sunggyu already got up and wrapped his arms around his waist, face burying in the crook of his neck from behind.

“Hyun….. I miss you so much I really do.”

Sunggyu literally sobs in his talking. He was like an emotional kid when he is drunk

“Hyung….. I miss you too.” Woohyun’s tears drop down on Sunggyu’s hands around his waist and he also feels his shoulder wet because Sunggyu is also crying.

“Liar. You are a cruel and heartless jerk who left us.........left me alone in pain.” Mouth spitting the harsh words but hands tightening his grip around the younger’s waist.

“I-I’m sorry....aw” Woohyun gulps when he is pushed down on the bed suddenly with Sunggyu on top of him after he speaks.

“H-hyung.” In a split second, Woohyun’s plump lips are wrapped around by the hot thin ones. The kiss is passionate like usual as he is always melted away by his boyfriend- ex’s kiss. The kiss grows hotter and hotter giving a shiver down Woohyun’s spine but before they could go any further, the movement on his lips were already gone. Only sound of steady breath and normal heartbeat could be heard. Sunggyu already fell asleep on top of him.

Woohyun breaths out, trying to push Sunggyu gently off him and settling him to sleep in comfortable position before pulling the duvet over his body.

He stands up next to the bed, fingers caressing Sunggyu’s cheek for a brief moment. He lets the last tear fall and then leaves the apartment, going back to where he should be.

***

Sunggyu’s POV....

It was like a whole world had been crashed inside my head. I got up and almost hit my head back against the wall because it kept spinning around. I swear I will never drink much like this again. Well.........

Actually, my world has already been crashed upside down after Woohyun left. I know I am a bad boyfriend who doesn’t show his support and understanding to respect Woohyun’s decision. It also broke my heart into pieces. That’s why I avoid seeing Woohyun, first because infinite is getting busier these days, second I still need time to get used to life without Woohyun anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I never ever have intention to let him go or throw away our 5 year-relationship easily. I just need time; I think Woohyun needs it too.

I pull myself into sitting position successfully this time while rubbing my eyes slightly. Something makes me stop doing whatever I am doing right now because......the very familiar strawberry scent hits my nostril. It should have been faded away almost completely by time being but today it grows a lot stronger like Woohyun did come here very recently. No one used strawberry scent of body wash and shampoo in the dorm beside my little precious tree.  

Or he did come???

I feel like I dreamed about him being here with me last night.

But how did I end up here then?

I remembered sneaking out from company after I finished personal vocal training around at dawn and went to have a drink with my non-celebrity friend.

I also remembered calling taxi myself but I don’t exactly know how I manage to tell him a right direction to dorm and even got into my room.

My thought is then interrupted by a knock on the door before our maknae’s feminine voice is calling my name.

“Gyu Hyung get up....... we need to go to meet CEO today did you forget?”

“Arroso... give me another 15 minutes.”

“Naeeee.”

After another 20 minutes, all the members already gathered up in the living room before leaving together. The car has already arrived in front of building, only waiting for us to get down.

Security guard walks across and greets us like usual but this time he talks to me a little longer.

“Ahh... Sunggyu sshi.. Are you alright?”

“Nae?”

“Oh I saw you last night. You were so drunk and passed out. I guess someone you know brought you back to your dorm.”

What?

All the members turn to me in unison, shooting me a confused look.

Guys I am confused too....

“Did you mean someone Gyu Hyung knows?” Dongwoo tilts his head looking at the guard and me back and forth.

“Did anyone of you open the door for me?”

All 5 heads shaking in synchronization left and right repeatedly.

“Then how come he knows our dorm passcode?” Myungsoo seemed to talk to himself but I hear it very clearly.

“Wait.... I think about it again when I saw him at the elevator for even just a brief moment, I think he really looked like Woohyun sshi.”

It makes sense now. That scent is not just fabricated or just my imagination so isn't my dream.

Woohyun really came.

I don’t know what comes into me. When I get