So whenever you ask me again

How I feel

Please remember

My answer is you

-Try Again (NCT JAehyun &D.ear)

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

He sighed at the door before pressing in the code and opening it.

It was going to be a difficult night.

He was welcomed with darkness, something he should get used to by now, but he wasn’t at all. It was the 4^th day since he started being welcome so, and he still felt disoriented and strange at the lack of brightness in his apartment.

It was as if no one else lived there.

It was a fact that someone else did.

It was obvious with when one looked at the shoes kept neatly aligned by the door, the once they had to use for daily wear. Jaehyun looked longingly at them, because he could imagine him bending over them, carefully arranging them. He could see the man then turn around to pin him down in a glare and proceed to scold him for always messing up the order.

He missed that.

He took of his shoes and bent down, his eyes almost tearing up as he, for the first time, tried to arrange the shoes the way he liked them. He made an effort, even though he wasn’t good at things like these, he tried. He took off his slightly wet jacket, and hung it up by the door, knowing he hated it when there was water dripping all over the floor. He gently ran his hand over it, trying to mimic his actions, and straightened all non-existent creases.

A tear dripped down his cheeks, and he didn’t bother wiping it away.

As he entered the house, his eyes searched around the room, looking for any sign of his. Something, anything that screamed that he was there, too. That’s Jaehyun wasn’t alone.

But the house looked exactly like it had when he left that morning. The same cold place. A room filled with dead furniture. It wouldn’t talk back to him. It wouldn’t welcome him. It wouldn’t laugh at his lame old jokes, nor pat his back when he cried. It wouldn’t beam up at him, and look at him proudly every time he won a case. They would just be there, still and cold and unkind, not much unlike their owner. That’s all his home had become.

A mesh of walls, that was supposed to protect him, had been suffocating him to death.

Maybe he wanted to die.

Jaehyun sighed again, and dragged his unwilling feet to the kitchen, as he got himself a glass of water, his eyes trailed to the polaroid that he had stuck on the refrigerator door. He was welcomed to an image of them, smiling up at him.

So beautiful, so divine.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Neither could he back then, and five years later, still his eyes were stuck onto the man. He was so obviously in love. So ardently he had loved him.

Where had he gone wrong?

Another tear slipped down, and this time it was followed by many more as Jaehyun broke down and collapsed onto the floor. Sobs after sobs breaking free from his heart. He hit his chest, as if punishing himself for being so weak, but continued crying into the darkness of his house. No came to comfort him, they all just watched him break himself into something he loathed.

It had been four days since Taeyong walked out. And it had been four days since Jaehyun stopped living.

Four days since they had had their ugliest fight in the five years they have been together. They both said things they didn’t mean, at least Jaehyun knew he didn’t mean a single thing he had shouted at Taeyong that day. But as the hours tick by without his presence, Jaehyun grew more and more terrified that Taeyong had meant every word he said.

“I hate you! You are so selfish and full of yourself, you never think about how I feel! I always pick up after your mess! You know what Jaehyun, I’m tired.”

He had just stormed out after that, crying, and not turning back, not picking up his calls, or even bothering to read the many texts he had sent him.

He was scared and lonely. But mostly he was tired.

He just wanted to jump into bed and bury himself in Taeyong’s arms. He just wanted time to rest, and give him a moment where just he and Taeyong existed. He wanted Taeyong’s loving hands running through his hair as he whispered how much he loved him and how well he had done today. He wanted to kiss those lips, which he missed dearly. He missed him so much, but it seems only he had been suffering all this time.

It had been 10 days since he had proper sleep or even ate a proper meal.

It was Taeyong’s birthday in a few days, a day he had been looking forward to since the beginning of the year. He had arranged his schedule and made plans, but being a prosecutor was demanding, and he ended up greeting a few loads of cases from his colleague who had gotten injured. He had to work overtime to cover for his colleague, and he skipped meals since he couldn’t waste a single second. He had to finish all the cases if he wanted to go ahead with his plan.

He ripped out the two plane tickets from his pocket, staring at them in anger and threw them to the floor. What use are they? It was Taeyong who wanted to visit Thailand since he was a kid. And without him these tickets were a waste.

He glared at them, and few more tears falling out.

He was tired too.

He was so ing damn tired.

He walked out of the kitchen, not bothering to look back the two tickets on the kitchen floor.

Earlier, in office, he had contemplated giving them to his assistant. But it didn’t feel right, he had put in too much thought into it to give it away. It was something he did with Taeyong in mind, and it didn’t feel right if it wasn’t Taeyong.

He paused mid-way to his room and ran back, he picked those tickets up, and ran to his office. He put them in an envelope, and waited for his hands to stop shaking. The next day, Taeyong would find that he won two tickets to Thailand, Jaehyun knew where he was staying anyway. It didn’t take a genius to guess.

He had brought them for Taeyong, it was Taeyong’s, and even if it wasn’t him who accompanied him there, at least he would get to visit his dream destination. He just needed to make a few phone calls and change some stuff.

He smiled bitterly, placing it back on the table, he’d post it tomorrow.

He climbed into bed, not bothering to get out of his suit. Who’d care if he slept in his day cloths? Or that he had his socks still on?

Who cares that he hadn’t shaved, or even washed his hair in the last so many days?

No one even knows that he had been skipping meals. Heck he didn’t even feel like eating anymore.

He couldn’t even sleep anymore.

He cannot sleep without hearing that soft snore from the spot next to him. He had become so used to it, he had maybe taken it for granted?

In the darkness of his bedroom, Jaehyun replayed their last fight. The last time he has seen the love of his life, the only person he had ever even looked at, his best friend, brother, lover; his everything.

There hadn’t been a second in his life that he hadn’t thanked god for making some as beautiful as Taeyong. The man was a vision, but it wasn’t just how he looked that had gotten Jaehyun so head over heels, it was everything about that man.

They first met during one of his first cases, he was a witness, and Jaehyun had been strictly professional with him. He had been mesmerised of course, and almost stuttered through every question, but he also had immense self-control. It wasn’t until after they met at Ten’s party that they started dating.

He couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory. Never back then had he imagined that he’d be so in love with the boy in a few months.

It had been the most wonderful days in his life- the ones he spent with Taeyong. They had had their moments of joy and sorrow. They fought like crazy dogs over the silliest issues, but then made up a second later because even the thought of staying mad at each other was painful. Taeyong had entered like a rising sun in Jaehyun dull life, and made him realise the beautiful colours of the world around him. With Taeyong, it was the little things that mattered, he remembered them, memorised them, and cherished them. And he hoped and prayed he would never lose them.

But here he was, alone in bed. His life was back to its dull old self. Like the sun had set in his world and he was cold again. He missed the colours and the brightness of the world. He remembered what they felt like. He carved the warmth, and he left lost without it.

He wanted him back. And he had tried again and again to contact him; to get him to talk to him. But He never got through, Taeyong was guarded heavily, and he was like a defenseless beggar, pleading for a glance.

The worst part is, he doesn’t even know what they fought about.

All he remembers is Taeyong suddenly snapping at him, throwing his clothes into a suitcase and just leaving. Of course, he had gotten a few words in, but he knows they only served to make the situation worse.

He sighed again, wiping a stray tear from his eye and sat up, wondering if he should give up on sleep and go prepare for the next case, but his eyes accidentally happened to come upon the calendar and he shot up in shock.

It was June 25^th.

The date had been circled in red with a few hearts drawn around it. It was their anniversary, fifth one to be exact.

He had forgotten; lost track of time. It wasn’t unusual, but then it was always Taeyong that followed the dates, he would kiss him awake with a gentle smile and wish him, then they’d make plans, last year, their anniversary fell on a public holiday, and they spent the day outside in the park, and had a romantic picnic date. They year before that Jaehyun took him for dinner at a Japanese sushi restaurant. And the year before that, they spent cooped indoor, cuddling and having a marathon movie night.

Every year had been special and different.

And this year too things were different.

Jaehyun picked up his phone and called him, the call immediately was transferred to voice mail, and he had a creeping suspicion that Taeyong either had blocked his number or had been staring at the phone waiting for him to call.

He knew it was the latter, Taeyong wouldn’t block him. He hoped.

He called one more time, frustration climbing when this time too the call went straight to voice mail. He almost wanted to throw the phone at the wall, but he controlled his anger, and instead sent his boyfriend a text.

Happy anniversary babe.

He didn’t get a reply, nor was the text even read. He knew, but he tried. He’d always try again to get to Taeyong. He needed him back.

He was at a point where he didn’t know what to do anymore. He knew what he wanted, but he didn’t know how to get it.

Things were going downward spiral, from bad to worse. And he felt like he was the only one fighting against the rising tide. It was useless, he’ll drown if he keeps standing in it way, but he couldn’t bring himself to move away.

He couldn’t give Taeyong up.

He called again. Same result. And this time the cellphone lay broken on the floor and his master rushed around the room, throwing things around in helpless rage.

Jaehyun wept and cried and screamed.

The frame he had held in his hand had a picture of Taeyong against a backdrop of pink sakura and crystalline water. He was smiling up at the camera, looking divine and lovely. He had picked it up in his fit of rage with every intention to throw it, but instead he stood there staring at it, once again in awe, for his boyfriend was truly a gift of nature.

He closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. But all it did was bring the tears back. He felt pathetic at being to emotional, and so angry at himself that he had become so dependent on Taeyong’s presence that he couldn’t even function without him.

He sat on the bed, throwing the frame somewhere on it, and ran a hand across his face. It was already past midnight, and he was no where near sleepy.

He was tired. He wanted to just sleep it all off. Even pretend that this was all some highly detailed nightmare, be he couldn’t even get a shut eye for two minutes.

He couldn’t at all.

“Maybe I should go finish up some more cases…yeah…I should do that.” Jaehyun said to no one. It was an empty house anyway.

Just as he got up, he started feeling dizzy. The world was spinning, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He fell to the floor, panting and shivering. He tried getting up again, frowning when he tumbled back to the floor. He groaned in pain, as his forehead hit the cold floor.

“T-Tae…Taeyong…” he whispered his hand outstretched before the world went black.

When he opened his eyes again, he was greeted by the brightest room he had ever been in. It sounded busy, but all he could see was the pastel coloured ceiling, which was definitely not his house. He continued staring at it thoughtfully, realising that he was in an hospital but having no recollection of how he got there.

He was in his house last time he checked, and he was alone. Unless…unless Taeyong had comeback and found him? A part of his got excited, and a part of him ached. He wanted to see Taeyong, but he didn’t was Taeyong to see him so weak and pathetic, as if he was a wreck without him. He had his pride too.

Taeyong had left him in shambles, but he didn’t want the other to know just how much of a mess he was.

“Mr. Jaehyun? Are you awake now?” a stern but gentle voice asked him, and he shifted his gaze to the unfamiliar voice.

“Yes?” he winced at how unused his own voice sounded, as if he hadn’t used it for a while. “How did I-“ he started, not knowing what to ask the doctor first.

“I’m Dr. Kim Dongyong, it’s nice to finally see you awake Jaehyun. You have been asleep for almost two days now. You’re house keeper found you fainted on the floor, you have high fever and were had very low blood glucose, so it seems like you hadn’t been eating or sleeping well am I right? You gave everyone quite a scare.” The doctor smiled at him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to smiled back.

“The housekeeper?” not Taeyong?

“Yes.”

“We contacted your family, and your mother was here till five minutes ago, she just stepped out to call someone.”

“Okay.”

“And you can be discharged by today evening, just make sure to take your medications and eat healthy, you’ll be fine.”

He had his own room, so after the doctor did his routine check-ups and left, he was alone. The moment the man stepped out, Jaehyun stood up and walked to the window, pulled open the drapes and let the sunlight hit his face.

Oddly it feel warm at all.

Jaehyun was bitterly standing thereby the window, attached to a drip, and alone.

“Jaehyun?”

“Mom.”

“Oh honey!” the woman rushed to engulf in a tight hug and he returned it, albeit it was slightly stiff. “What happened? We were so shocked at the news! Your father hasn’t slept a wink all day yesterday, he’s on a flight back right now. I just got off the phone with Ten, where is Taeyong baby?”

“With Ten.”

“Oh.” With that silence resumed in the room, but the older woman held onto her son’s hand tightly, understanding completely the turn of events that brought her son to this state. And while she wanted to feel hatred towards the man that caused the sunken look in her son’s eyes, she was angry much more at her son for forgetting about loving himself. She knew Taeyong was a kind person and that they’d solve their problem on their own, so she kept mum. “Do you want to go out for a walk son?”

“Okay.”

Just as they were about to leave, someone enters the room, and they stop and look in question.

“Jaehyun!” The said male couldn’t help but smile bitterly at Ten. “You look like man!” he started fumbling with words and looking slightly guilty.

“Yeah, I had a fever that all. Tell him not to worry…if he even cares anymore.” Jaehyun kept his smile and walked past him.

“Jaehyun!-” Ten started, but he held a hand up to stop him. He needed to get this out. He had made a decision too.

“And tell him I need a bit more time…I won’t just accept him back like that. Five days he ignored me, he just left without a word. I didn’t even know why we fought and he left. I’m hurt too. And I’m tired too. I love him…I love him so much. But I think we both could use this space and really think about life and ourselves and just...I just want to be alone for a while”

He knew very well that Taeyong was outside, he could see him hiding behind the door, hesitating to come in. But when he walked out the door he purposefully faced the other way, he knows if he looked at Taeyong his resolve would break. He’d take the boy in his arms and things would go back to the way they were.

And he didn’t want that.

He was horrified at what a few days without Taeyong had done to him. He would’ve maybe even died there, in his room, cold and hungry. And remained undiscovered for days, he was lucky that his housekeeper came in when she did.

He needed to sort himself out first. Find his own footing before he can focus on Taeyong. Of course, he will go back to Taeyong. He loves him, but right now, he needed to love himself a bit.

And, days later, as he watched Ten and Taeyong wave goodbye to Yuta as he drove off, he couldn’t help but feel slightly happy. Taeyong looked at Ten with a bright smile, pulling the boy towards the entrance of the airport. He must be excited about the trip. Jaehyun smiled again as he watched as Ten dropped his passport and had to go get it back and Taeyong started whining like a child as asked him to hurry up.

“Enjoy Thailand.” He whispered as he got out of his own car, and signaled his driver to go on. He had a flight to catch as well.

He entered the airport a little behind, making sure to keep Taeyong in sight while staying out of his way. He still missed him, he still loved him and wanted him back. But he still needed time to get over what had happened.

A huge misunderstanding.

Something that could’ve been avoided with a little trust and just talking about it rather than jumping to assumptions.

Taeyong had been insecure. With him coming home late, and constantly texting and calling people the past few months, he felt that Jaehyun was bored of him. And on top of that apparently Taeyong had heard about one of his friends getting cheated on by his boyfriend and he just jumped to the worst-case scenario. Which was why he had been on edge, and it hurt Jaehyun that Taeyong thought so little of him; that he didn’t trust him; that he didn’t believe him when he told him that he loved him every night.

For Jaehyun, Taeyong was the most beautiful man, the only one even worth looking at. He hoped their time apart would make Taeyong realise just how amazing he was. So, the distance would maybe help them both. He hoped. Because even after all that had happened, his answer would always be Taeyong.

He watched them, move towards a gate, much away from his own. He had purposefully booked a flight on the same day and around the same time as the boy, a bit early in fact, to maybe at least get a glimpse of him. Only he had wasted a lot of time ogling at the boy and now he had barely enough time to make it to boarding.

“This is the final call from AirUSA flight no.37638, from Seoul to New York, for Mr. Jung Jaehyun. Please report to gate no. 1 immediately for boarding. This is the final call for Mr. Jung…”

“.”

Jaehyun stole one last glance at Taeyong who looked shocked, and was frantically looking around. He turned away and ran off in the direction of gate no.1 before their eyes me. He didn’t know if Taeyong spotted him, he didn’t know how to feel since no voice called out to stop him.

As he got settled in his seat, he wondered if he would’ve stopped if Taeyong had tried to stop him.

“Dear passengers, please switch off your electronic devices or turn the flight mode on, for take-off.”

Jaehyun’s phone pinged just as the announcement ended

.

Have a nice trip Hyunnie. Take lots of rest and get better okay!? <3

Can we talk when you get back?

I miss you.

That white jacket is mine right? It looks good on you. 😉

Jaehyun chuckled, typing in a quick response before switching his phone off and leaning back with a huge grin on his face.

Maybe the distance had paid off after all.

Two Months later.

“Babe! Have you seen my blue tie?”

“No!”

“Wha—nevermind I found it…Tae my…”

“Your keys are on the table Jaehyun!” Taeyong shouted exasperated, yet his face held a gentle smile. He turned around when he heard Jaehyun rush into the kitchen, running his hands through his hair to tidy it. “Aigoo, you big baby. Just sit down and eat, will you?”

“But my-“

“Sit!” Taeyong pulled the hurried man into his chair and quickly placed the freshly made pancakes with lots of maple syrup, and a glass of orange juice. And as the man stuffed his face, Taeyong picked up where he had left off and styled his hair up a bit, he even re-did the messy tie and in the end pecked his cheeks.

Jaehyun mumbled a ‘thanks’ with his mouth full which earned him a playful slap on the back. And he smiled back cheekily.

And just before he left for office, he turned back and pressed a long kiss on his lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And he was gone, and Taeyong already missed him.

It had taken time, but they eventually crawled back to each other. As soon as he landed back in Seoul, Taeyong called up Jaehyun, and they met up. They talked things out, and laughed at how silly it all sounded now. They took things slow, meeting up for coffee, getting dinner together, and it wasn’t a whole month later that Taeyong moved back in and things went back to normal.

He still felt guilty though, even though Jaehyun brushed it off like it was nothing. It was all his fault.

He hadn’t realised it back then, but he was just so scared of Jaehyun not loving him anymore that he had shut him off. He too had been miserable, but not as bad as Jaehyun. He hadn’t been eating or sleeping much. He couldn’t even dance without making mistakes, and dancing was the one escape he had always had. He was frustrated and would constantly snap at people, and Ten was at the verge of kicking him out of his house, and it wasn't until he found out about Jaehyun that he snapped out of his childishness. But it was too late. He remembered panicking and running out of the hospital in shock, he didn't eat for days, and honestly he would've continued hating himself if Ten hadn't punched him in the face and forced him to go to Thailand with him. 

But none of that compared to how much Jaehyun suffered.

He had thanked the housekeeping lady every time he saw her, he even raised her pay. She saved Jaehyun, and he was extremely lucky that she found her before he really did lose him.

He didn't even want to imagine not having Jaehyun to return home to. Besides, he really needed to thank him for the trip to Thailand. He had found out, through Jaehyun's best friend Johnny, who had been the one to actually reveal that the whole 'lucky draw winner' thing was Jaehyun's plan and that it was a birthday gift he had been working on for ages. It worsened his guilt, and he had cried himself to sleep that night.

But all was better now. They were fine.

Taeyong removed his apron, neatly folded it and hung it on the bar beside the sink. He wiped the counter, and cleaned the place up a bit before getting ready for his own job.

He was a choreographer, and he’s not boasting when he says he’s good, because he is pretty good. He loved dancing since he was a kid, and even though it took a lot of convincing, his parents supported his interests and he was now living his dream.

He was still dancing and had a prince charming.

What more could he want?

Jaehyun had once asked him, if he ever had to chose between dancing and him, what he would choose. Back then Taeyong had hesitated, genuinely perplexed at the question, and though he had playfully answered ‘you’, deep in his heart he hoped he’d never have to make that choice.

That one week of conflict, and the separation that followed was enough to make realise that without Jaehyun, even dancing had lost its charm. So today, if Jaehyun asked him that question again, Taeyong would confidently look him in the eyes and tell him that he’d pick him over and over again.