six of twelve 

Junmyeon applies a thin film of lipstick – nothing flashy like her usual bold scarlets or the occasional purple – just pink. She looks like her father’s secretaries and though those women sometimes made her laugh sardonically, she couldn't help but emulate the getup.

Today she is to face her father, beg him if he must, for Yifan.

She had been trying to avoid the medical student after the ultimatum her parents had shoved upon her like a lightning bolt. Junmyeon cannot do anything for the hospice but after the craziness that was that wonderful week in the Philippines, Junmyeon realized one thing: she has baited herself to her own emotions, and unfortunately, these emotions had won against her. It’s an epiphany somewhat, that she is irrevocably infatuated with Wu Yifan. He is everything Junmyeon has ever wanted in a person.

And she is ing terrified. She is terrified of feelings she’s never been acquainted with. She is terrified of hurting Yifan, she is terrified of hurting herself.

And in the grand scheme of things, she is terrified of things not turning out as she hoped to be.  But her fate is inescapable, Junmyeon could almost taste the impending consequences of her carelessness. She only prays to god one thing, if he exists, that Yifan may understand her decisions, that Yifan may understand why she chose to lie to him.

Junmyeon assesses herself, grabs the keys to her barely used, silver Audi and proceeds to the Kim Industries’ headquarters.

~*~

Junmyeon’s hands are cold, and when she reaches up to knock against the double cherry oak doors leading to her father’s office, she finds herself hesitating. Calming herself, Junmyeon finally knocks but the door opens even before her knuckles make contact against the expensive wood.

“What do you need?”

CEO Kim is a powerful man and controlling more than half of the Asian economy has not given him much white hairs. Junmyeon smiles wryly at the thought. She sometimes wonders how her father can calmly sip his coffee and, sleep at night knowing that one flick of his fingers, or one of his signatures across a dotted line, can cause the Asian market to collapse.

“I want to talk to you about Green Meadows.”

The man hums, “Refresh my memory dear, I seem to have forgotten which that is.”

Junmyeon presses her lips into a thin line. This is the reality, her father being one of the richest man in the world thinks of himself entitled to act in such manner. The truth is, the rich does not care about the little things they trample upon in search for more money. They don’t care. And all those old people, those victims of childhood cancer residing in that hospice – they don’t seem like people to the likes of Junmyeon’s father. They’re just pawns needed to be eradicated in this chaotic chess board that is life.

All this may seem grand, coming from Kim Junmyeon herself. Kim Junmyeon who is the oldest daughter to the couple, who has grown up not needing to worry about money, from Kim Junmyeon who is one of two people who will eventually inherit the Kim Mixed Industries. It seems hypocritical and Junmyeon did not use to be so concerned about people, she’s been jaded for as long as she could remember.

But she’s here, willing to change, willing to be less heartless for Wu Yifan.

“It’s the hospice you intend to tear down to cover up the tax evasion cases.”

The man looks up from his laptop screen, a long finger unconsciously pushes up the frameless pair of glasses over his cynical eyes. “What would you have me do with it? I’ve already sent representatives. The deal has been closed.”

“I want you to pull back the deal.” Junmyeon says, straight to the point. There isn’t a need to dilly dally when it came to her old man. The patriarch wanted things done quick and efficient, and it should be on his favor. Junmyeon knew what questions would come next and even before she came here, she already had answers planned and familiar like the back of her hand.

“And why would you want me to do that?”

“Because you don’t gain anything by buying that hospice.” Junmyeon puts the folder she’d been holding, on her father’s mahogany desk, “I asked Kwon for your financial statements. Allow me to fix the tax evasion case. I only ask that you don’t do anything to the hospice.”

CEO Kim flips open the folder, the rustle of papers loud against the deafening silence of the soundproofed office. “Tell me honestly, what’s with you and that hospice?”

“It’s none of your business, father.”

The man a brow, eyes boring right onto Junmyeon’s face. She feels her father’s gaze and fights the urge to look away.

“You don’t want to tell me about who this Wu Yifan is?”

The statement is a rug pulled from under Junmyeon’s feet. For a moment, the words leave her winded. Closing her eyes, she breathes a deep exhale calming the onslaught of pure fright that came with her father’s words.

How did they know about Yifan?

“I wasn’t particularly informed that my only daughter has taken a liking to medical student.” The man chuckles, “Good choice. I don’t really care Junmyeon, but if you’re trying to mix business affairs and your personal choices, I’d have to interfere. You’re obviously driven by your fondness to this man. You honestly think I wouldn't notice?”

Junmyeon inhales and her voice is shaky when she speaks. “It doesn’t matter. You know I can tweak the records, you know I’m perfectly capable of washing out that tax evasion case. My relationship with Yifan is none of your concern.”

“I don’t think so. If you’re so fond of this hospice, then you can acquire it from me after you finish the courses you abandoned in London. We’ll talk then.”

“But father –“

“We shall talk when you are ready to finish your business program. We shall talk if you’re willing to take on my position until Jongin graduates. Until then, my answer is no.”

~*~

Junmyeon does not remember the last time she’d been so drunk. The world spins in semi-circles, the floor of the club is morphing into a swirling vortex. Junmyeon laughs drunkenly, someone grabs her waist and she lets whoever it is drag her into the middle of the dance floor.

She’s just laughing, allowing this stranger to touch her. She doesn’t care.

Junmyeon wants to forget, she has to forget.  

When she closes her eyes, it’s the streets of London she sees, the scenic towers of the University of Cambridge where she spent a good few months trying to learn the business concepts she hated.

She’s never going to see Yifan again and at the back of her intoxicated head, this is all her fault. She’d allowed herself to fall, she’d allowed herself to feel and now that her family is getting ready to destroy what’s left of her happiness, Junmyeon could not help but blame herself.

This would not have happened if she stepped away before it spiraled out of her control.

She’s never going to see Yifan again. He’ll eventually learn the truth and when it happens, things will naturally fall into place – Yifan will hate her.

Junmyeon chuckles, she doesn’t feel the wet trail of tears that leaks from her eyes. Her makeup’s ruined, she probably looks heinous.

She doesn’t care.

Later that evening, she’s leaning outside the club. Her vision’s swimming.

Hello?

Rustle of sheets followed by a switch being flipped open. Junmyeon listens.

Junmyeon? Yifan’s voice is deep, it sends a tingle down Junmyeon’s spine. It’s 2:41 in the morning, she wants to see him so badly. Just this once.

“Hi.”

Where are you? Are you okay?

It’s just so him to be that caring. They’re friends, somewhat, and Yifan shouldn’t have to concern himself so much over Junmyeon’s poor decisions.

But he’s Wu Yifan, and he’s a beautiful soul. And Junmyeon’s in love with that more than anything else.

“I’m okay. Can I see you?”

Are you drunk? You don’t sound fine.

“I’m faced. Is this a bad time? I’m sorry.”

Don’t be. Where are you?

“Remember that club you found me in? Déjà vu, isn’t it?”

Yifan laughs. Stay there, I’ll come over. You should have told me if you wanted to go drinking.

“I’ll wait here.”

~*~

Junmyeon’s unfocused eyes do not register Yifan until the man is standing in front of her, hands stuffed inside his pockets and glasses perched on his face. He’s so handsome, Junmyeon thinks she’ll miss his face.

The thought makes her smile as she steps forward and leans against Yifan’s broad frame. The man throws his arms around her. His hold gives Junmyeon a strong sense of security, it feels like everything is alright in her crazy world.

“Damn, you are drunk.” Yifan jokes. Junmyeon feels his fingers on her hair. She hums. “I’m wasted and you smell so good.”

“Please don’t puke on me.”

“I’m not that drunk.” Junmyeon noses against 

his chest, arms around his torso, fingers tangle together. “Are you sleepy?  Let’s go for a drive. I want to eat spicy rice cakes and maybe a burger.”

“Those will give you the world’s worst hangover. You’ll want to crawl back into your mother’s womb come morning.”

Junmyeon shrugs, “Indulge me.”

“Alright, alright. Let’s go.”

~*~

It’s 3:30 in the morning. The wind blowing from the Han river considerably sobers Junmyeon. She feels lost again. Lost and so, so helpless.

Yifan sits beside her on the damp grass. He hands her a styrofoam plate full of hot rice cakes. The gesture puts a smile on Junmyeon’s face.

“You’ve been crying.” Yifan says, taking out a square patch of makeup removers. Junmyeon has no idea why he has them in the first place. “Your makeup’s all over the place.”

“What can I say, I’m an emotional drunk.”

Yifan gently swipes the remover from under her eyes, down her cheeks. The soft caress of his fingers is too much for Junmyeon. Her heartbeat is so, so calm as she realizes the gravity of what she feels for him.

Leaving him, it’s going to destroy her but when Yifan learns the truth, his hatred will destroy her too. It’s a difficult situation. No matter which angle she approaches it, nothing is going to work in her favor.

Too much.

Junmyeon turns away, and inhales.

“I used to come here with my brother. I was eight, he was five.” Junmyeon tells him instead. “He used to dance and he practiced here. The old ladies liked him a lot because he was a cute little and they’d give him money. We’d buy bread with the money and feed the ducks.”

“Sounds like you had a fun early childhood.”

“Sometimes, I think my early memories didn’t happen at all.” Junmyeon stares at the calm rush of water.  “I think that I’ve spurned them out of nowhere because I was lonely when I started studying abroad. Have you ever felt that? Like things had happened, but they didn’t.”

“Like detachment.” Yifan hums, “When my mother died. It was like nothing ever existed after. It took a couple of years and I don’t really remember what happened at that time. It’s like I existed and I didn’t. Those years were strange.”

Junmyeon thoughtfully chews on a piece of rice cake, feeling her drunkenness ebb away only to be replaced by harrowing loneliness. “I don’t want you to feel detachment.”

Yifan does not answer for the longest time and when does, his words completely derail Junmyeon’s steadily darkening thoughts.

“That would be impossible unless you guarantee to always be with me.” He chuckles, “I am impossibly attached to you and I’m beginning to think it would be selfish of me to ask you to feel the same.”

“What do you mean?”

The man shrugs, “I’m sort of used to your presence now, I’m used to having this girl with bright hair and brilliant mind around and I’d feel very much detached the moment she decides to walk away because I don’t interest her anymore.”

It’s almost morning. The previously dark skies beginning to brighten, dragging embers of a glorious sunrise through the horizon. For now, people is scarce, except for one or two who are doing morning jogs along the perimeter of Han River. It’s so, so quiet but Junmyeon hears her own heartbeat, the organ seemed to break its way through her ribcage.

Yifan smiles, and spreads across the grass. He pulls Junmyeon towards him and allows her to lay half her body against his. Junmyeon’s ear is pressed against his chest and unlike the borderline panic he put her through by those seemingly harmless words, Yifan’s heartbeat is so, so calm.

Junmyeon closes her eyes, fingers curling around the cloth of Yifan’s shirt.

“You’ll do fine without me.” She says, “I’m not good for you.”

“And who is?” Yifan asks, long fingers once again tangling through her red hair. “We’re all bad for each other one way or another. But then again, what’s wrong with you could potentially be good for me. It’s a matter of perspective.”

Junmyeon sighs, and angles her head up to press a short, chaste kiss on his jaw – because the need to touch, to be closer, is overwhelming – and whispers, ambiguous and at the same time clear as a spring day, “Take me away.”

“I still owe you a date.” Yifan says, “Where do you wanna go?”

“Anywhere – ” but here “let’s just get lost.”

Yifan stares at her, gaze open and knowing. He nods when he smiles and somehow, for the first time in a really long while, Junmyeon feels at ease. She would have accompanied him to the ends of the earth if it meant she could escape what is inevitably inescapable.

But in this moment, she smiles and basks in the comfort that she is with him and everything is just right.

~*~

A few days after, Junmyeon find herself in the hospice again, decked in a white dress that ended an inch above her knees and a haphazardly arranged crown made of pretty flowers on her head. Junmyeon stands beside an old woman, wrinkled and graying, but equally beautiful as she recites her vows once again.  

On the opposite side is Yifan, dressed in a white, long sleeved shirt tucked into a pair of well fitting, black slacks that accentuated his long legs. They are official witnesses to the long-standing romance of a couple who are determined to reaffirm the promises they’ve kept for more than sixty years.

Junmyeon thinks the ceremony is beautiful. This is what’s enviable about falling in love. To think about it, meeting someone who will love you at your best, who will love you at your worst, and who will stay with you through it all – it’s somehow, unimaginable and yet these old souls achieved just that, for sixty-three years and counting.

Sometimes, the universe just aligns for certain people. Nothing is easy in such an abstract idea as love but sometimes...sometimes it happens.

Junmyeon is happy for them but at the same time she is so jaded by it all. The universe aligns for certain people but she’s Kim Junmyeon and she is definitely not certain people.

When long fingers slot against her own, Junmyeon is derailed from her thoughts.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Yifan now stands beside her, squeezing her fingers as if he could sense her distress.

“You’re not supposed to be standing here.”

“I know, just wanted to be close. They’re gonna read their vows.”

Junmyeon listens with rapt attention. Nothing is incredibly poetic nor emotional about the words that slipped past the old couple’s lips but the sincerity of every word brought Junmyeon to tears.

She’s not particularly fond of wedding vows and other bold declarations. A promise doesn’t equate to anything when it gets broken. They’re like poetically phrased lies.

“I have loved you for sixty-three years and I will love you until death. May we never part whether in this life or the next.”

The old woman is in tears and Junmyeon cries with her.

Nothing in that promise seemed like a lie.

The officiant closes the ceremony after a small chaste kiss from the couple.

“You get so emotional easily.” Yifan tells he hands her a scarlet handkerchief. “what a crybaby.”

Junmyeon chuckles, “I’ve had enough of weddings but that was beautiful.”

“Makes you wish you have someone to spend the rest of your life with, huh?” Yifan says, “I share the same sentiment.”

“It seems impossible.”

“It’s possible. Have some faith in the universe.”

~*~

Everyone in the hospice is invited to the reception. Tents are set up on the front lawn and Junmyeon tries to ignore the looming headquarters of Kim Mixed Industries standing tall and mighty a few blocks away from Green Meadows. 

Junmyeon made a huge anonymous donation, just enough to throw the couple a hefty celebration. In retrospect, she realizes how convenient it is to have so much money to burn if it meant she could burn it on things that made her feel good about the millions on her immediate disposal. The smiling faces in her surrounding brings Junmyeon, joy. It’s a good feeling but like a whimsical fairytale, fleeting.

Sometime in the middle of the festivities, Yifan brings her to the middle of the yard. They dance amid the soft echoing of ‘can’t take my eyes off you’ the recording obviously ancient. Junmyeon indulges him, laughing along as he sings the lyrics to her.

“Did I make you happy today?”

Junmyeon presses her face against his chest, arms thrown around his neck. “You did.”

“I hope I’ve made my intentions clear.” Yifan’s embrace tightens. “I didn’t want you to run away but I guess you now understand that I am in love with you.”

The words steal the very breath out of Junmyeon’s lungs. Her body grows rigid.

“What?”

Yifan cradles her face. She’s probably turned chalky in pure panic.

Yifan does not back down, instead he smiles, gentle and ever patient.

“I love you, Junmyeon.”

And Junmyeon wants to tell him the same, wants to kiss him senseless. Yes, I love you too.

“You can’t.”

Junmyeon detaches himself from his hold, breath coming in short gasps as she heads for the exit. She needs air to ease the conflicting emotions swirling inside her like dust in her lungs. She is happy, the only man she has ever fallen for, feels the same but at the same time this can’t be happening.

Junmyeon would rather Yifan feel anything for her, but love. Then, it would’ve been easy to deal with his impending loathing when the truth is out.

Junmyeon’s mind – for all its brilliance – churns out unhelpful scenarios, each progressively worse from its predecessor.

“I’m noticing that you do that a lot.” Yifan’s tone is light and it belies nothing of what’s running in his mind. “Running away.”

“Yifan, I – “

“It’s okay, Junmyeon. I wasn’t expecting you to say anything.”

“But –“

When Yifan turns to face her, his smile is serene, like he’d been expecting this to happen.

“It’s the truth. I’m not forcing you to feel the same but at least give me a chance, give us a chance?”

Junmyeon wants to laugh or cry – whichever comes first – because this situation is entirely too complex for her to explain. How does she even begin to tell him that his affections will be easily reciprocated if it weren’t for the fact that she has too many extra baggage he wouldn’t necessarily appreciate? Junmyeon’s too much of a coward and she isn’t willing to fight for her happiness if it would compromise Yifan’s. Added to this general chaos is her parents. They could do whatever they wish to him now that they’ve already passed judgement. They will think that Yifan is nothing but a mere distraction, like a passing phase. And distraction isn’t good for Junmyeon, isn’t good for the business and their money.

Now this is a messy situation.

A lot could happen. Junmyeon does not even want to think about all those things, it makes bile rise up .

Maybe it’s better this way.

She inhales, and finally faces the man who holds the better part of her heart. “I want to tell you something, but not right now.”

Junmyeon wanted to confess everything, every morbid detail. But she holds back. Her confession will have to wait until the hospice is safe and away from her parents’ grasp. Maybe Yifan will understand then.

 She has little to hope for.

Yifan nods. “Okay, whatever you want Jun, whatever you want.”

Stepping forward she winds her arms around his torso. “I’m so sorry Fan. But I promise, I’ll tell you everything.” Once and for all, no more half-truths.

Little did Junmyeon know that this night would have been her last chance.

~*~

"I'll  return to London, and when I come back you can leave everything to me. I'll try to meet your expectations." 

The man's voice is flat when he says, "Good."

"I'm not done. Before everything else, I want the deal to the hospice pulled back."

"Consider it done, Junmyeon. I'm expecting you to leave in two weeks."

"Not until you pull back the deal."

"You'll go to London and I will pull the deal. "

"But -"

"You will return to London and then I will pull the deal. Do you understand?"

Junmyeon nods, good bye Yifan.