Note: Italic = in the past. Bold = A lyrics line of the song HOME

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A room filled by darkness is lit by nothing else but a phone’s screen. Hyunseung let out soft sigh as his eyes read word after word. He forget how many times he started over but he knew it is important everyone knows his side of the story. It may be late but he felt everyone deserved an apology for his bad behaviour the past 2 years. Hyunseung’s thumb moves over to the enter button.

"Okay, here it goes…” He tries to encourage himself as he presses enter. His apology post has been post on Instagram. Within minutes he receives all kind of comments. Good and supportive ones but also a lot of hate. Hyunseung drops his phone on his bed and lays down beside it.

“Why did I let it go this far? Why was is so damn stubborn?” He questions himself. He runs his fingers over the tattoo of his father. “I sure am an idiot dad”. A deep sigh left Hyunseung’s mouth as he thinks back at where it all started.

I’m so bad, I only think about myself.

But I regret so much that I didn’t say sorry.

“What do you mean Hyunseung isn’t joining us at the fanmeeting?” Yoseob asks their leader raising his voice at the sudden news. Only 5 hours were left before the show would start. Hundreds of fans are waiting for them to perform, all six of them.

“I am sorry that this news is so sudden. The manager just told me. Hyunseung has some personal issues he has to take care of.”

“And Hyunseung couldn’t tell us that himself?” Dongwoon asks a bit annoyed. Hyunseung being not here means they have to arrange the choreo and the lines which means more practise and they don’t have much time left.

“He already left. He did leave a video message for the fans. Listen guys we just have to make this fanmeeting in something amazing. Our fans are expecting the six of us. Now that we are with just the five of us we have to show them much more love”. Doojoon says trying to be positive as he sees the disappointed expressions of the others. “It is sad we have to disappoint our fans this way.” Junhyung grabs a towel ready to go.

“Let’s go, we have lots of work to do”. They all grab their stuff ready to practise.

Meanwhile Hyunseung is at a cafe meeting someone.

“Oppa are you sure you did good to not attend the fanmeeting. I feel a little bit guilty calling you out at this time.” A girl dressed in a cute white blouse plays worried with the straw of her drink. Hyunseung lift up his cup of coffee and nods.

“I am sure. You told me you are worried about mom’s health?” He asks. The woman in front of him is none other than his sister Geurim. Her whole expression changed into a sad one.

“Mom, she is very depressed lately. As you know it almost 3 years since dad passed away. I had hoped mom would feel better by now but it seems the realisation kicked in again.” Geurim plays with her hands as her voice shivers. Hyunseung was shocked to hear this news. To him it always seemed everything was okay with his mother.

“I am so scared that something will happen to her...like it happened with dad.” 3 years ago Hyunseung’s dad passed away at a sudden heart attack. It was like his whole world broke down. He still remembers how cold his father’s pale hand felt when he held it.

“Don’t think that way. Apparently mom needs more time. I know what we can do. We organize a special day to honor dad. We will be beside her the whole day so we can comfort her. We all have to let dad go. It is the best we do this together.” He tries to smile but it was harder than he thought. It may look like he got over the death of his father but he wasn’t. After that day his whole life changed. Geurim nods a little.

“I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you for being here Oppa”. At that moment a fan who is at the same cafe snaps a picture of the duo. Not much later a news article circulates  through the whole internet saying “ B2ST’s Hyunseung suspected of going on a date instead of to his fanmeeting?” But neither did they know what was actually the reason behind it.

8 pm, time for dinner but Hyunseung didn’t had an appetite at all. He had shut down his phone something he never does. Reading all the hate comments gave him a headache. Hyunseung sits up on the bed and stretches his arms. He looks down and moves his feet on the sound of his humming. Dancing has always been his passion yet he started to leak compared to the others.

Back then I thought doing whatever I wanted was all part of being young.

“Thank you very much!” The audience cheers loudly as the BEAST members leave the stage. Hyunseung takes off his jacket as he walks into the dressing room and opens a bottle of water. He put it on his lips and sits down on a chair drinking it. Not much later the others join him.

“We sure gave them a great performance.” Doojoon says as he let himself fall down on the couch. “Did you hear all those incredible cheers. I really love to make our BEAUTIES happy.” Yoseob says with a sparkle in his eyes. BEAUTIES sure mean alot to him. Junhyung leans against a table and looks over to Hyunseung who was on his phone, like usual. Doojoon notices the glare Junhyung had and knew what is coming.

“Hyunseung” Junhyung said. It always started with his name followed by a commentary.

“Could you please follow the choreo correctly for once?” He asks slightly annoyed. Junhyung became really tired of Hyunseung’s lack of dancing. Lately his dancing wasn’t as perfect as first. Not only s noticed it but also their fans and that isn’t a good sign. Hyunseung hums a little, not looking away from his phone. This only annoyed Junhyung more. Dongwoon decided to take it over since he knew that if Junhyung would continue it could end bad.

“We know you like to freestyle and that is okay but lately we notice that you..uhm well, you know..” Dongwoon didn’t really know how to put it without hurting Hyunseung’s feelings. All five of them know dancing is his passion. Hyunseung quirks an eyebrow, not getting what Dongwoon is trying to say.

“What do you want to say?” He asks.

“That your dancing is .” Five heads turn to Junhyung who crosses his arms. Hyunseung finally put down his phone and get up from his chair.

“Excuse me, what did you say?” Yoseob hides a little behind Kikwang. This wasn’t going to end well, he could feel it. Junhyung couldn’t help but grin.

“You heard what i said. Lately your moves aren’t as perfect anymore, your timing is off and you even skip some moves. So it became basically like .”Junhyung says standing in front of Hyunseung now who clearly didn’t like what was told him.  

“Where did you professionality go hu?” It may come over harsh but it is what all of them thought. Only Junhyung is brave enough to say it. Hyunseung is silent for a while but then let out a chuckle.

“You can think whatever you like. I do what I want and what feels good. I am following the choreo and I put my energy in the performance just like you all are doing. Maybe you should focus more on your own mistakes instead of mine. Just let me be.” Those were Hyunseung’s final words before he left the dressing room. The other stare at the closed door. Yoseob sighs softly and mumbles. “You may put your energy in our performances but the love for it has disappeared”.

It was quiet at Hyunseung’s place. Normally he would play lots of music but he wasn’t feeling it today. He got up from his bed and went to the bathroom for a wash up. He forms a cup with his hands and let it fill with water. Then he splashes it in his face. The water drips from his face. He looks in the mirror, the dark circles under his eyes very visable. His insomnia has kicked up again, making him sleep worse and worse every day. He reaches out to touch his wet cheek while looking at himself in the mirror.

“Was it really that bad to want some privacy? I just didn’t feel comfortable anymore.” He mumbles softly and drops his head. Perhaps he was just too selfish…

“I will never forget those tears.” He balled his fists and curses.

I don’t know about other people’s pain.

I don’t know the meaning of tears.

The six boys arrive at their hotel after a tiring yet amazing fan meeting in Thailand. They get into the elevator and push in the floor they need to go.

“It is seriously amazing we can stay here in Phuket a whole day. It feels like a holiday!” Dongwoon says enthusiastic. It has been a long time the six of them had a day off. To be able to stay in such a resort in a beautiful country is sure a big surprise to them.

“The first thing I am going to do tomorrow is diving in the pool. Have you seen how cool that pool is looking.” Kikwang asks as he steps out of the elevator. They went to their rooms after deciding who would pair up with as a roommate. Junhyung would sleep with Doojoon, Kikwang with Dongwoon and Hyunseung with Yoseob. Yoseob let out a deep breath as he falls down on his bed and feels the soft fabric.

“Aah~ So comfy. I really enjoyed today. It was tiring but really special. Thai BEAUTIES are so adorable don’t you think so too Seung?” When he didn’t got a response Yoseob looks up and notices Hyunseung standing on the balcony. He got up and rushes over to him, wrapping an arm around his neck. Both they are looking at the beautiful view of the beach.

“I never knew Thailand could be this beautiful. We are lucky we can stay here. Tomorrow it will be a free day for all of us. A day where we can have fun and relax, all together.” Yoseob looks at Hyunseung and pokes his cheek what made Hyunseung smile.

“Very lucky. We should get ready. Doojoon expects us downstairs within an hour for some drinks. Go take a bath quickly.” Yoseob nods smiling and got his bathing stuff heading into the bathroom. Hyunseung chuckles softly but then his smile disappears as he sees his luggage.

“I need to get ready as well”. But what the others didn’t know is that Hyunseung got other plans.

That evening all six of them went out drinking in a little bar downstairs in the hotel. It was Doojoon’s idea to close the day of with some drinks and snacks. While everyone is enjoying the evening, Hyunseung is the only one who is quiet. He plays with the glass of whisky he is holding in his hand while looking at the others, smiling a couple of times. Hyunseung always have been a quiet person, someone who didn’t enjoy talking. That is why no one suspected anything. But lately it had a different reason why he didn’t talk that much. Hyunseung didn’t feel very comfortable around the others anymore. Since he is 4D he could say things that aren’t logic to the other. What if he says something what would disturb the conversation? It wouldn’t be the first time they would laugh at Hyunseung for saying something “dumb”. So that is why Hyunseung stayed quiet the whole evening, watching the others laughters.

The next morning Yoseob wakes up next to an empty bed. When he opens his eyes he notices Hyunseung isn’t lying in his bed. At first he thought he might be in the bathroom but when he checked it he wasn’t there either. Then Yoseob’s eyes fell on the place where Hyunseung’s suitcase used to be.

“He took his suitcase with him?” He mumbles at himself. He got dressed quickly and went over to Doojoon’s and Junhyung’s room, knocking on the door. Not much later a sleepy Doojoon opens the door.

“Seob why are you knocking on the door like a crazy man this early?” Doojoon asks as he rubs his eyes.

“Hyunseung is gone.” Doojoon raises his eyebrow out of confusion.

“Gone? He is probably already eating breakfast. You know he loves food.” Doojoon wanted to turn back to bed but Yoseob stops him.

“He took his suitcase with him…” Hearing that he knew it is something serious. Hyunseung would never take his personal belongings with him if there wasn’t a reason.

“It is odd that he took his suitcase with him. Maybe we should check it out.” Junhyung says from the back of the room and put on a shirt. Yoseob woke up the two boys that were left and together they went downstairs. There they saw Hyunseung, sitting in the hall waiting for them. As he sees the others coming down he stands up. He could feel his hands getting clammy. Yoseob runs towards him and hugs him tight.

“Hyunseung...you worried me. I thought you left.” Yoseob says, his hands digging in Hyunseung’s shirt. Hyunseung didn’t say anything. Instead he rubs Yoseob’s back in comfort. Dongwoon’s eyes catch the suitcase.

“Why are you all packed?” He asks with a raised eyebrow. Dongwoon already felt what is going on. Yoseob let Hyunseung go, now seeing the suitcase as well. He takes a step back and Hyunseung turns his head away.

“You are really leaving isn’t it?” Kikwang asks sighing a little. Junhyung shakes his head and turns away mumbling to himself. Yoseob’s eyes grow big at Kikwang’s question and shakes his head.

“No..you can’t do that. We would have an amazing day here in this resort in a beautiful country all together. You can’t just leave. Why would you even do that?!” Yoseob couldn’t control his emotions. It went from sad to anger to disappointment. Hyunseung couldn’t look at them. He felt too guilty yet he already made the decision.

“My plane will leave in 2,5 hours. I wanted to inform you all that I won’t be spending my day off here. Sorry.” Five pair of eyes look at Hyunseung in disbelief. It has been ages that they had spend time together. This was the perfect opportunity.

“We have to perform tomorrow at the New Year's Eve show. How are you going to do that? It will be too complicated to fly back and forth Korea and Thailand.” Doojoon explains, trying to convince Hyunseung to stay here with them. But Hyunseung wouldn’t change his decision. Even if he wanted to stay he couldn’t. He didn’t felt comfortable. If he would stay here he would probably be alone the whole time...just like always.

“I already arranged everything with the company and the manager. I will be back for the rehearsal, that is a promise.” Hyunseung took his suitcase and looks at his friends. He could see the sadness, the anger and the disappointment in their eyes. Especially Yoseob’s who got tears in his eyes. He balled his fists.

“How can you do this? How can you leave us like this. Yesterday we talked about the good time we will have here and now you just leave like that?!” Yoseob yells and smacks Hyunseung’s shoulder repeatedly while tears are falling over his cheeks. Hyunseung closed his eyes and let Yoseob hit him. It was what he deserves anyways. When the hitting stopped he opens his eyes again and sees that Doojoon is hugging Yoseob.

“I am sorry.” Hyunseung says softly, turns around and left the hotel. He couldn’t bare the pain anymore.

Hyunseung takes a towel to dry his face. Those eyes, those eyes full of disappointment, pain and sadness. He hated them. He wish he did things different back then. Hyunseung get out of the bathroom and heads over to the living room. All he could hear was the ticking of the clock. Hyunseung let out a soft sigh and takes a family picture in his hands.

“It wasn’t smart to tell it during a live broadcast but I had to. They should know how it made me feel. No one talks about me like that.” Hyunseung runs his thumb over the picture. “Even if I had to hurt my friends.”

I can’t lose, cuz losing is my loss.

But now I regret only thinking about my pride.

All of the BEAST members are sitting together with some drinks, smiling and talking. Today they exist for 6 years and they celebrate it with their fans through a live broadcast. During their broadcast they are talking about all different kind of subjects. Hyunseung was quiet. It wasn't that different since he was often quiet during a live broadcast.

“What is our most memorable moment from these six years. That is a hard one.” Doojoon says as he reads the question with a smile. Hyunseung opens his mouth.

“That day my photo was taken at a cafe. I have a private life too”.  He says bluntly. The other five look at him surprised not really knowing what to say about it. A little bit awkward they continue the broadcast.    

When the broadcast ends Kikwang nods him.

“Yah what was that about? Out of all memories you choose than one?”

“We know they hurt your feelings with that Hyunseung but couldn’t you say something else. Now you left us all speechless and awkward.” Doojoon says as he finishes his milkshake.

“They didn’t know what was going on. They should have never talked about something they don’t know about. “ Hyunseung says and crosses his arms a little as he thinks back at the day he was in a cafe with his sister talking about his mom and passed away dad. Junhyung sighs.

“It is alright. Just think about the things you say the next time. This isn’t the way and will only bring more negativity to you but also us.” Hyunseung hums softly as he understood. They all stood up. The day started all happy and excited but it has end in a sad mood. Hyunseung could feel the distant growing bigger between him and the others.

Since it was dark in kitchen Hyunseung the lights. He leans against the dinner table. He felt so incredibly guilty for everything he did to s. He was always such a happy, touchy guy but ever since his dad passed away he changed...But the last year, 2016, it got worse. He wasn’t feeling anything anymore. Not even taking a simple group photo.

Back then I thought being immature was all part of being young.

BEAST is invited to perform during the New Year’s Eve show in Thailand. The whole day they have been practising the whole day. It was a big show with lots of different idols.It sure was an honor for them to attend this. It was very crowded. Fans were cheering them on. All six of them were enjoying their performance till the fullest. After they were done performing they watched other artists performing. Hyunseung watched everything in silent with the others next to him. From time to time he looked at them. Doojoon laughs while hugging Dongwoon. Junhyung moves his head to the music like he always does. Kikwang and Yoseob on the other hand are moving their arms playfully on the beat of the music.

12 o’clock is almost there. All artists are standing on the stage ready to count down.

“5,4,3,2,1...Happy New Year!!” Confetti is shoot in the air, loud music is playing and everyone is dancing and singing along. Yoseob, Kikwang, Junhyung, Dongwoon and Doojoon get together, wrapping their arms around each other. They pose for a group picture. They Doojoon sees Hyunseung standing at the side. He gestures him to join. The manager sees Doojoon gesturing and tells Hyunseung to join. But Hyunseung shakes his head and takes a step back. He didn’t want to join...he didn’t felt like it. Doojoon’s expression saddens. He tried to give the camera an honest smile but it was hard.

“Hyunseung...what has happened to us.” He mumbles as he looks at the male standing all by himself.

The crane opens and a glass gets filled with water. Hyunseung put the glass against his lips and gulps it down. He looks at the empty glass and rubs his neck while he walks over to the couch. There he let himself fall onto his back and stares at the ceiling. The last time he went out drinking with one of them is when the ending started. Hyunseung wanted Doojoon to be the first person to know he would be leaving BEAST.

Why did I realize this now?

Losing you is losing everything.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Doojoon asks Hyunseung as the waiter walks away after they ordered their drinks. Hyunseung nods and gets nervous. He had been thinking about this for a very long time. He had his reasons may it good ones or bad ones. Doojoon notices Hyunseung’s behaviour changed at it wasn’t a good change. This morning during practise Hyunseung wasn’t feeling good. He needed lots of breaks and wasn’t focussed enough. After practise while everyone was gone Hyunseung came over to Doojoon and asked him if he had time to went out for a drink. Doojoon was surprised by this sudden offer since Hyunseung often would asks other friends to join him. But now seeing Hyunseung all nervous Doojoon knew something bad must come. The waiter gives them their drinks and Hyunseung takes a big sip to get some courage.

“I will be straight forward since I think that is the best”. Hyunseung took a deep breath. “I am leaving BEAST.” Doojoon almost choke in his drink as he hears what Hyunseung said.

“W-what..? L-Leaving?” Doojoon couldn’t believe what he just heard. After 6 years being together, doing what they love, would now be broken. Hyunseung looks into his glass.

“I am sorry Doojoon. I really am. I just can’t do it anymore.” Hyunseung sighs.

“It is the best for us all believe me. Many don’t want me in BEAST anymore anyway. I will give the haters what they want.” Doojoon slams the table.

“No you won’t! Come on Hyunseung. You are strong. You don’t have to do this because those hate-” Hyunseung put his hand in the air and makes Doojoon stop talking.

“I want this myself. The music, it isn’t what I prefer anymore. I changed a lot. I feel that I don’t fit here anymore and I bet you guys feel the same way.” Doojoon sighs and nods a little. He did feel the distant getting bigger and bigger as well.

“If I am honest, I could feel that this was about to happen. Something in me had the feeling you wouldn’t be with us that long anymore.” They both smile a little.

“I wish you the best Doojoon.” Hyunseung nods and hold out his hand. Doojoon shakes it.

“I wish you the best too Hyunseung.” That evening they had a nice one. Days later Hyunseung told the rest of the members the news. Not much later Cube released an official statement that Hyunseung would leave BEAST.

I admit that I wasn’t good enough but please come back.

Hyunseung let himself fall onto the couch and stares at the ceiling. He felt so lonely. He had been going through a hard time with all the hate firing at him. Of course he expected it but not that heavy. Some anti fans even wished him death. It may seems as if he didn't care but he did. He read everything that was said. The time he left BEAST,  Hyunseung thought the hate would get less but no. He was happy that there were still fans that got his back. Without them he would be nothing. Hyunseung wish Cube would give him more. More chances to prove he made the right choice, to prove he isn't a bad person but they won't let him out of the basement. He knew he hard hurt many people. Not only the fans but also his friends, family and his ex-members. He knew that writing a song like HOME would be the best option to show everyone how he felt. Along with his apology he hopes things would start to get brighter.

The bell rings. Hyunseung sits up. He didn't expected any guests. He walks over to the door and opens the door. His eye widen as he sees who are standing in front of him.

“Hello Hyunseung.” Doojoon gives him a gentleman smile. Behind him were all the others. Hyunseung saw a glimpse of Yoseob’s blonde hair. He couldn't believe they were actually here.

“Y-you guys...what are you doing here?” Junhyung smiles and enters, tapping Hyunseung’s shoulder.

“We were wondering you you are doing.”

“We read your apology and listen to your song.” Dongwoon says and the rest follow inside. Hyunseung closes the door and looks at them one at the time.

“ Guys. I am really sorry for putting you through so much . It was never my intention. I was...too selfish in some way. I should have known better.” Hyunseung drops his head feeling extremely guilty. Suddenly he felt two arms around his waist. Hyunseung looks back and sees Yoseob behind him.

“Seung. We had a long time to think. We understand your decisions. We were only shocked and hurt by the fact you never explained why. We were left in pain, confusion and disappointment.” Hyunseung sighs softly. He knew that what he did was wrong and he regret it now.

“All you had to do was apologize and explain and that is what you did. We were waiting for it.” Kikwang says eye smiling.

“I am sorry I was late” Hyunseung drops his head. He could see

Doojoon and Dongwoon smiling through his eyelashes.  

Junhyung was next who smirks a little.

“You will always be a part of us Hyunseung even if you aren't with us.”

Hyunseung his eyes fill with tears. It was so touching. They came here to show him they are still one. He quickly wipes away his tears. Yoseob chuckles and hugs Hyunseung tighter. “We will always be beside you.” Yoseob smiles. The others get closer. “ Group hug!” Kikwang cheers and wraps his arms around Hyunseung and Yoseob. The rest follow.

“I love you so much you guys. ” All of them are smiling. The room is filled with happiness instead of darkness. They came back to him. Hyunseung felt complete again.

Just like back then, I’ll hold you tight and make you smile.
Although it’s too late and I’m a bit anxious.
You have to come back, I’m your home

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Admin note: I hope you enjoyed the story. For me it was hard to write since Hyunseung and BEAST mean a lot to me and i was really affected by all this. Please leave a comment to share your opinion! Thanks for reading! 

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