Johnny comes out for a surprise visit in the middle of the week and Yuta has never been happier to see his friend. He's a little confused, but he's happy. He expects Johnny to either lash out on him fully for not responding to his texts/calls, or not to say anything at first but to proceed to make passive aggressive remarks throughout his visit. Just like every other time, Johnny doesn't meet his expectations. He looks more happy than upset and doesn't show any signs of anger. It's as if the last year didn't happen at all, like Yuta didn't dig himself an abyss and drop into it without saying a word to his friend.

Johnny answers his questions before he even gets the chance to unload them, with a simple statement. "I came to see you because I miss you." The sincerity in his tone makes Yuta's heart quiver. He thinks his entire body might actually burst into flames of affection for Johnny. 

Johnny doesn't say a word about his odd interior. He does smile when he sees the chair, the one he had gifted Yuta last year, placed next to the sofa. They seamlessly fall into a routine and Yuta can't think of a time where Johnny wasn't his roommate. They've been by each other's side since the first time they roomed together in college. Johnny's annoying habits, which now make Yuta look at him fondly, haven't changed at all. He makes disgruntled sounds every time he does the laundry, quietly cooks all three meals for both of them and nags at Yuta, after each meal, to do the dishes.

He does nothing Yuta expects him to but Johnny does side eye him every time he leaves the house at 4 O'clock in the morning and returns well after sunrise. Yuta doesn't say anything and patiently waits for Johnny's curiosity to get the best of him.

Yuta watches Johnny hold in his questions for two whole days before he breaks.

"Where do you go in the morning?" Johnny asks him while he's making dinner.

Yuta looks at him from across the kitchen counter with a sly smile. "Two days. That's your best record so far."

Johnny gives him the best cold stare he can but drops it after a minute. "Come on, tell me." dragging out the last word while giving him his best puppy dog eyes. Yuta lightly pushes the salad bowl towards Johnny and sits on the counter, his back facing the older man.

"I go to see my neighbour." he says, like Johnny doesn't need more information than that.

"Why?" Johnny's face scrunches in confusion, "Is he sick?"

Yuta huffs out a sigh, "No," he gives the older man a pointed look, "He's my friend."

"Your friend?" he says a little too loudly. Yuta looks at him with his mouth wide open.

Johnny retracts his statement, "I didn't mean for it to come out that loud but it's you so it's kind of hard to believe."

Yuta doesn't take offense to that, it's true that Johnny had to practically force himself into his life by conducting bizarre social experiments to befriend him.

"But you didn't mention anyone when you called me," Johnny rubs his chin to help recall his memory.

"Ohhhhhhh," he claps his hands together, "The guy you kissed, who also looks like a marshmallow? him?" Johnny looks at him expectantly with wide eyes.

Yuta has a lot of regrets but he doesn't regret carrying a drunk and half Johnny back to their dorm in the middle of the day or accidentally kissing him in front of everyone at a uni party, he does regret sending him a marshmallow meme to describe Jaehyun's looks instead of actually describing what the man looks like.

"Yes, that's him." Yuta mumbles.

"I want to meet him."

The deadpan-ness in his voice makes Yuta chuckle as he looks up. The look on Johnny's face and his folded arms pressed against his chest can only mean one thing.

"Oh, you're serious?" Yuta makes a face to give off the impression that he's in deep thought, a second later he looks at Johnny again and says, "No."

"Why not?" Johnny whines. "I promise I won't say anything to make him feel uncomfortable."

"Johnny, no." He gives him a look as serious as his reply and mentally prepares himself for Johnny's hissy fit.

Johnny gives him a baffled look. "Well," he grabs the bowl from the centre of the counter and starts tearing apart lettuce and dropping it in the bowl one piece at a time- his entire act tied with a feeling of annoyance and fury, "If I had known you would disregard 8 years of our friendship like this then I wouldn't have-"

"Fine," Yuta says, with a hint of exasperation in his tone, "I'll invite him over for dinner tomorrow night."

Johnny gives him a wide smile, which reminds Yuta of a tooth paste commercial he saw a while ago, in which a child is proudly showing off his white teeth after using the "right" toothpaste.

Yuta does indeed bring it up, the next day, when him and Jaehyun are having breakfast. "Would you like to have dinner with me and my friend tonight?" It's completely out of the blue. Jaehyun stares at him with a mouthful of blue berries, juice dribbling down his chin.

Yuta gets up and grabs a napkin, gently wiping off the juice on Jaehyun’s chin. "My friend, Johnny, is visiting from Seoul. I'd like for you to meet him." He makes the mistake of looking directly at Jaehyun while being so close to his face. He quickly falls back into his seat and sets the napkin aside.

"You want me to meet your friend?" Jaehyun asks.

Something about his tone makes Yuta panic. All of a sudden, he feels flustered and his throat goes dry. He tries to speak but it's as if he has lost the ability to form coherent sentences. "It doesn't mean anything," he stutters to get the words out, waving his hands in front of Jaehyun’s face to be very clear but that just tightens the knot in his stomach.  "I mean," he scratches the back of his neck," it does since he's my only friend but also-"

"Yuta-ssi," Jaehyun's calm voice makes him halt, "I would love to meet your friend."

Jaehyun fills up a glass with water and places it in front of Yuta. "Don't worry, we go with your pace. Whether this means anything or not."  Jaehyun's voice is a mix of gentle, mellow and honey. It melts away the panic but the thought still lingers; that they are something and neither of them know what that means.

He gives Jaehyun a reassuring smile which convinces him. He asked Jaehyun out on a date because he wanted to figure out how he felt about Jaehyun but them kissing confused him further. Yuta has felt profound affection, but only platonic. Before Yuta came to terms with his uality, he had managed to convince himself that every gesture of romantic interest anyone ever made towards him was out of pure platonic affection and nothing more.

He doesn't know what it's like to be sure of your feelings. Jaehyun has a lot of patience to deal with Yuta’s sorry - who can't come to a conclusive decision about anything. Yuta doesn't dwell on it much, especially not in front of Jaehyun.

T_T

 

"Can you put the chair next to the couch?" Yuta says, from the kitchen.

"You mean," Johnny lifts up the chair, "The chair?" he says, trying to imitate Batman’s deep husky voice.

Yuta gives him a look, "Please don't do that in front of Jaehyun." Johnny positions the chair next to couch.

"Okay," he says in the same tone and before Yuta can say anything, there's a knock on the door. He takes one quick look in the mirror and straightens his fringe. He places his hand on the door knob and gives Johnny another pointed look. Johnny looks at him with wide eyes and a second later raises his hands in defeat.

"Fine." He mutters.

Yuta opens the door and greets Jaehyun with a wide smile. Once Johnny and Jaehyun are introduced to each other and all of them have exchanged pleasantries, there's nothing much to talk about. Yuta commends himself, for he knew Johnny and Jaehyun would have absolutely nothing in common. He tries to spark a conversation between them about the instrument Jaehyun plays but neither of them have much to say about that.

Yuta is amazed when Johnny doesn't bring up their horrible attempt at trying to learn the basic mechanism of playing the gayageum. With Johnny being this quite, Yuta feels unsettled; the older man rarely ever follows his only request to stay put, and now that he is actually doing just that Yuta can't help but feel confused and antsy.

He watches Johnny pull out his phone while he is talking to Jaehyun, rude. He hears Johnny mumble something in English that he doesn't understand but Jaehyun definitely does.

"What?" Jaehyun says, clearly amused. Yuta doesn't know the context behind Jaehyun’s reaction but he assumes it's definitely something funny, till he looks at Johnny, who looks a five-year old kid trying to hold back his tears.

"You understand English?" Johnny says each word slowly and carefully.

"Yes, I do," Jaehyun says, laughter threatening to spill through his lips, "Did you just say I look like a marshmallow?"

Yuta almost breaks his neck when he turns to look at Johnny. The older man doesn't pay him any heed.

"Well," Johnny scratches the back of his neck, a nervous habit he has picked up from Yuta, "Because I think you look like one." It comes out more as a question than an answer.

Jaehyun laughs, Yuta watches the tension ease out of Johnny. A second later Johnny says something that brings out Jaehyun’s soft smile that he has only ever showed Yuta. After that the both of them click, just like that. They talk for what feels like hours to him but only 20 minutes to them and the entire conversation is in English so Yuta doesn't understand a word. He knew Johnny grew up in Chicago and speaks English very well but he had no idea Jaehyun was multilingual. Neither of them pay him any attention, throughout the course of their conversation, and he has never felt so left out.

He feels something rotten in his throat and something ugly coil in his stomach. What's bothering him more than both of them blatantly ignoring him is that, instead of being annoyed about not having Johnnys attention, whom he hasn't seen in months, he's more agitated about Jaehyun not paying him any attention. He dissolves himself into his couch and covers his face with his cushion.

He only knows a handful of words in English, his ears perking up when he hears something familiar. "I like birds too." He says holding onto the cushion, it comes out so innocent. He uses a child-like tone to let his friends know that he feels neglected and maybe a small part of him wants them to feel guilty for leaving him out of their entire conversation.

Johnny sees right through him but Jaehyun doesn't. He definitely likes Jaehyun more.

"What?" Nonetheless, Johnny plays along and Yuta's love for him returns.

"You guys said something about birds." He says pointing at the air between the two of them.

"We were talking about humming bird the book, Yuta-ssi." Jaehyun’s says.

"Not the actual humming bird." Johnny says imitating Jaehyun's tone.

"Oh," Yuta pulls on the ends of the cushion, "I like that book too." He says in the same child-like tone. Jaehyun takes one look at him and drops his conversation with Johnny and gives him his undivided attention for the rest of the evening. Even when they eat and Johnny says something in English, he makes sure to translate everything in Korean for Yuta. When Jaehyun leaves, Yuta feels giddy for some reason. Like if anyone touched him he would burst into thin air.

Johnny stays silent as he cleans the living room and Yuta does the dishes. When he's finally done he joins Yuta on the couch. For a while he doesn't say anything. When Yuta can feel his curiosity hover over him, is when he breaks the silence. "Go ahead."

Johnny shifts his body towards Yuta. "So, is he your boyfriend? Are you two dating? If you're dating then why didn't you tell me that beforehand? Do you not trust me with that information? Is it because-"

He interrupts Johnny, "He's not my boyfriend and I don't know." He hides his head between his thighs and lets out a whine.

"You don't know?" Johnny gives him a puzzled look, "But I though you guys were-"

Yuta lifts his head and leans against the back of his couch, "You thought what?"

"It's just, I figured you two didn't want to be vocal about whatever is going on between you two." His voice getting lower with each word, "I didn't think that this was inclusive."

"Johnny," Yuta moves closer to him and rests his head on the man's shoulder, "Neither of us know what 'this' is."

"You don't?"

Yuta shakes his head against Johnny's shoulder. "I only went out with him so I could be sure-", he huffs out a sigh, "but I still don't know how I feel or what I feel." He wants to cry but that won't help. He hasn't felt this helpless since he took a pre-calculus class back in college. Some of the class had made sense to him but nothing about this situation makes any sense to him.

Johnny rests his head on top of Yuta's and lightly rubs his shoulder, "You'll figure it out."

It's an empty statement and both of them know that. The way his mind works, he knows he won't be able to pin point exactly how he feels for a long time and that scares him.

 

 

T_T

 

Yuta has always thought of romantic love as something too idealistic, especially for the world that he lives in. So much so, that he actually pushed out the idea of him ever being in a position where he would have to deal with his feelings in such a way. Here he is, though, sitting on his mattress in the early hours of dawn, trying to convince himself that feelings are dead and he's wasting his time.

Giving yourself completely to another person requires a lot and a lot of trust and dependence and Yuta isn't a fan of either. When Yuta was 16 he witnessed resentment push his parents apart, which resulted in them going through a very ugly divorce. Through that he discovered his worst fear; love. He watched his dad's annoyance build up towards every habit he had once found cute or charming in his mom. He saw his mother taking messages from his dad's mistress, he listened to the poorly executed confrontation with his head against his headboard. He watched their once beautiful marriage turn into his worst nightmare with impassive eyes and silent lips.

When he turned 18, everyone around him was falling in love and finding 'their' person. He observed, a much less hostile version of what happened to his parents, happen to everyone else. That's when he realized; people fall out of love just as easily they fall in love. It's never a conscious decision but it happens. Just like how people outgrow habits, they outgrow their feelings too. Either a string formed through resentment or trust issues pulls them out or they just stop loving the person altogether. Back then, he told himself that it was like the circle of life, you're born, you live and then you die. Just like that, you fall in love, realize that it's not nearly as beautiful as a John Green book and then spend the rest of life wallowing in an abyss made out of self-pity and self-hate. That's what he had concluded back then and hadn’t questioned it any further.

Now, though, he thinks; how can anyone say that this one person is their entire world and then change their mind the next day? Is it possible that after a certain period of time they just take back everything, every single word spoken out of pure devotion and every single gesture made to prove how 'real' their love is for the other? Like all of it suddenly isn't there anymore. He doesn’t want to believe that his parents were never in love, but if they were-how could they be so cruel to each other?

Are romantic relationships really that fragile? So fragile that they can't handle a fall, no matter how big or small it is? Shouldn't 'love' push them to overcome their problems?

He lets out a frustrated sigh. Why are humans so weak that they give into their selfish desires so easily? 

"Because Humans can't admit it when they up, they always end up taking the confrontation-less, easier, way out; by leaving. Uncle Freud called it human nature," Johnny shifts next to him. "Now stop thinking so loud and let me sleep."

Yuta doesn't reply, instead he stares at the small lamp in the left corner of his room placed next to his small collection of books that are stacked neatly on top of each other. It's not that bright but it's bright enough for him to make out the bold letters written on his wall. This is the only part of this house that he feels some sort of attachment towards. It had taken him two whole days to paint the words without messing up a letter.

He remembers when Jaehyun had come over for the first time, a little while ago. His reaction had been a mix of complete awe and amusement after looking at Yuta's odd set up.

"What is that?," Jaehyun points towards the wall.

Yuta looks up, "The stack of books or the black letters?"

"The black letters."

"It's a Japanese song lyric."

"You don't say," Jaehyun lets out a scoff, "What does it mean?"

"It means," Yuta's eyes flick between the writing on his wall and Jaehyun, "My future is dying right before my eyes."

Yuta doesn't remember much of how the rest of the evening had gone but something had, definitely, upset Jaehyun for he had stayed awfully quiet. Yuta hadn't wanted to push an answer out of him so he had stayed quite too. It's safe to say, it had been the longest the both of them had stayed quiet in each other's company.

He picks up his notebook from the floor and flicks through the pages. It feels light as a feather in his hand; the burden it had been carrying for so long had lessened, one poem at a time. He has written 11 pieces in less than a week. The first person he delivered the good news to was Yifan Hyung, who’d had been ecstatic. Just like Johnny, his Hyung hadn't shown the slightest trace of dismay at his year long silence, which confused him even more. 

"I want you to go over them, Hyung. See if they're any good," Yuta says, over the phone, as he flicks through JEJU WEEKLY.

"Of course, mail them to me." Yifan says loudly, trying to cover the noise of telephone rings and idle chatter happening behind him.

"I can't that do that, I wrote them on paper. I'll send them with Johnny, it's more convenient that way. Is that okay, Hyung?"

"Well then," Yifan sighs, Yuta can picture him dropping whatever task at hand to rub his long temples, "Come with Johnny."

"Awwwww Hyung, I had no idea you missed me." Yuta says, his tone laced with amusement.

"It's been a year Yuta, of course I miss you."

Something about the way his Hyung had spoken to him that day had made him feel guilty. His sad tone was directed towards him and Yuta had no idea how to respond to that.

He had dug himself an abyss of solitude and crawled into it with his pen and notebook, not because he wanted to be alone but because he had no idea how to talk to anyone about what he was going through. He was losing control over everything thing around him and he had no idea how to even begin explaining why and how that messed him up even more.

It was as if he had forgotten everything when he had given up on himself. During the 25 years he has lived and suffered, the one thing Yuta has always been able to rely on, and the only form of expression he has known, has been poetry, but when the words had gotten stuck in his throat and felt so heavy that he felt like he couldn't breathe, and when a pen had started feeling as heavy as a sledgehammer in his fingers he didn't know who to blame for dropping it.

No one had called him out on it either. His Hyung and Johnny, being the only people he had, had understood; saving him from carrying the burden of guilt for not being responsive to their calls or texts and, thus, omitting himself from their lives altogether.

Elimination of guilt had made him forget that they were his only friends and that they cared so deeply about him. He’d never even thought of what they must have gone through because of him. Both of them know that he didn't cut them off on purpose, but a year is a long time and after all that time they still understand him. It’s like the distance between them doesn't need to be filled with drawn out explanations and expressions of guilt over glasses full of cheap liquor. Because for them, the distance has never been there to begin with.

Johnny hadn't shown any sign of distress towards Yuta when he’d showed up. His Hyung had been just so happy that he was doing good finally. Was this what being loved felt like?

He feels something he’d describe as remorse for belittling the concept altogether for his friends, wholeheartedly, had accepted him back into their lives without showing any sign of anger or disappointment for him disassociating himself from their lives.

This; what he feels right now for his Hyung and Johnny, is different from what he feels for Jaehyun- mostly because he understands this better. Jaehyun with his eccentric furniture, soft smile and quirky humour makes his heart and mind turn bubbly. It's not the same with Johnny and Yuta doesn't know why. He doesn't know why he misses Jaehyun when he'll be seeing him in a few hours. He doesn't know why Jaehyun makes him want to break his robotic exterior and show him what kind of a person he truly is. He doesn't know why, and that hurts him more than anything.

He looks at his friend sleeping next to him. Yuta doesn't deserve the kind gestures, the unconditional love and sense of understanding. None of it, he deserves none of it.

This time he doesn't hold back his tears; he cries quietly so he doesn't wake up Johnny, regret leaving his body one tear at a time. He lightly Johnny's soft hair. "I'll be a better friend, I promise," he whispers.

Morning comes and Yuta takes Johnny to Jeju city. He spends the entire day with him, catching up on everything and anything. Yuta listens as Johnny rambles on about Yifan Hyung's poor and cheesy attempts at wooing Suho Hyung, which only seem to result in him embarrassing himself every time. When they sit down for lunch, Yuta breaks the news to Johnny that he'll be going back with him tomorrow.

"You're really leaving this place?" Johnny asks with his mouth full of food. The sight is disgusting and a little hard to look at but it still makes him smile.

"Not forever," he hands Johnny a napkin, "I've grown attached to this place, it kind of feels like home, but I promise I'll visit often enough. That is, only, if you haven't rented out my room." The word home feels so foreign on his tongue, he has never used it before to refer to a place rather than a person.

"I would never." he says with a grin. He doesn't question Yuta's promise as he had expected him to, neither does he ask him to come back and never leave again. Yuta has never felt such profound affection for his friend. He never thought silence and distance would strengthen their friendship like this. He learned the real meaning behind the words mutual trust and dependence after befriending the older man. 

He doesn't sleep that night. He patiently waits for his clock to blink 4:45 am and when it does, he picks up the paper bag he had placed next to his table hours ago, when he had returned home with Johnny, and makes his way to Jaehyun's lawn door. Just like every day, he's met with Jaehyun wearing a silk shirt and a soft smile on his face. Today he's wearing all black.

"You look nice." Yuta says while taking his shoes off and places them in the corner. When he looks up, Jaehyun's mouth is open and he's looking at him skeptically.  

"What?" Yuta asks, "Is everything okay?" he takes a few wary steps towards him.

"You've never complimented my clothes."

Yuta laughs, "Well, I am your number one fan. I think I have the right to compliment you like that, no matter how provocatively you dress."

"Provocative?" Jaehyun quirks his left brow.

"Yes, don't tell me you don't know how sweat makes your shirt stick to your body like glue to paper."

Jaehyun does smile at that but hesitantly asks, "Are you okay?"

"I've never been better," he walks in and takes his usual seat, "Now, shall we?" he points towards the instrument.

Jaehyun smiles but Yuta can still feel the lingering suspicion. Nonetheless, he takes his place behind the instrument and starts playing.

When he's done with his piece, they go inside; filling the space between them with shy smiles and idle chatter. When they sit down, Yuta hands him the bag.

"This is for you." He might try to ignore it but strings of excitement are spinning in his stomach.

Jaehyun takes it from him, pulls out a box from the bag and opens it very slowly. When he takes a look on what's inside, he lets out a loud laugh. It reminds Yuta of those dystopian sci-fi books he used to read as a teenager; the ones where the main character had to suffer a great deal and for a protracted period of time in order to be rewarded with something of great importance to them in the end. Yuta thinks Jaehyun’s sweet tone and enthralling laughter are his reward for suffering for a year in complete solitude. 

"You got me shoes?" Jaehyun's expression is a mix between fondness and pure delight.

"Well, it's the one thing I figured you will need for your recital. You know, since you can't play barefoot on a stage in front of hundreds of people." Yuta ends his sentence with a wink. He feels oddly satisfied with Jaehyun’s reaction, being the source of his laughter always leaves him feeling warm.

"Thank you, I'll definitely wear them on D-day." Jaehyun closes the box and places it on the coffee table.

Yuta doesn't mean to ruin the moment but if he doesn't say it now, he might not have the guts to say it at all. "I'm leaving for Seoul today."

Whatever conversation Jaehyun is having with his feet suddenly isn't that interesting anymore, he looks at him with his eyes wide open.

"You're leaving? Fore-"

"No no no no no no," apart from abruptly cutting Jaehyun off, Yuta violently shakes his head and both his hands to assure Jaehyun that he's not leaving forever, "I'm only going for three days, I'll be back before your recital. I promise." Yuta rushes the words out.

"Oh," he looks a little dumfounded, "Can I ask why?"

"My publisher wants to see me for something." He tries his best to wave it off as nothing important but the other man still sits unsure.

"Well," Jaehyun stares at the box sitting on the coffee table. After what feels like hours, he finally looks at Yuta. "I hope you have a safe flight then." Jaehyun looks uncertain for some reason and Yuta can't help but be worried. Because of the intense humidity Jaehyun had rolled up his sleeves and Yuta reaches out and lightly Jaehyun’s bare arm, something he has never done.

"I promise," he looks into Jaehyun’s eyes with utmost sincerity, "I'll come back, okay?"

Jaehyun returns the sincerity with a soft smile. "Okay."

He would believe Jaehyun’s reply but something is different; his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. Yuta doesn't say anything.

If he notices that Jaehyun’s skin has become almost ghost-like, that his dark circles feel deeper than he has ever seen them, that his lips seem devoid of the redness they had a week ago and that his eyes are bleary from exhaustion, fighting to stay open, he doesn't say anything. He sits there gently caressing Jaehyun’s arm, trying to assure the man that his absence will only be temporary.

 

T_T

Just as Johnny had promised him, his room in their apartment is dust free and empty. Yuta has always been apathetic but ever since he came out of his chasm he feels different. The smallest gestures done out of kindness or compassion either make him teary eyed or make his heart jump. He drops his bag next to the bedroom door and runs to Johnny, finding the older man standing in the kitchen, immediately charging in and back hugging him. Johnny, like he had expected, isn't shocked or taken back.

"Thank you." He whispers into Johnnys back. Johnny responds by giving into the hug and softly playing with Yuta's fingers. They stay like that for a while.

On his second day, he pays a visit to his publisher Hyung, who he has, admittedly, missed so much. Yifan Hyung is beaming when he sees him. They exchange tight hugs and muffled I missed you's to make up for lost time. They talk all day in Yifan’s office. When the sun sets, Yuta finally hands him the pieces he has written.

He watches his Hyung go through each poem slowly. Yuta looks away, for he wants to hear his Hyung’s honest opinion through his words and not exaggerated expressions. When he's finally done reading them he speaks up.

"These are," Yifan seems at a loss for words, "exceptional." he looks at him with his goofy smile. "I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you, Hyung." He says softly.

"I just have," he lifts his finger, "one question."

Yuta gives him a look. "Yes, Hyung?"

"Well," he opens Yuta's notebook up and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. "Three of them have the same pattern, they sound almost angry and annoyed. Did someone piss you off?" Yifan hands him his notebook. Yuta scans the pieces.

"Is that your question, Hyung?" Yuta gives him a sly smile.

"Yes and no. You've always written about nature and finding beauty in it. Not that I'm saying there's something wrong with changing directions but-"

"Do you not like them?" Yuta asks.

Yifan lifts his left brow, "I wasn't done talking." Yuta motions for him to proceed.

"You know what, hand me the book and I'll recite them to you, to prove my point."

Yuta gives him a baffled look but nonetheless hands him the book. Yifan starts reciting the first poem.

Infant shells full of grace turned hollow; portraying every act they were told to follow

Their impassive eyes ache to see the beauty they were told of

What a wonder it must be to let the tranquil chaos tame them; what a wonder it must be to let its charm consume them

Yuta's own words hit him like draggers. "This one seems about parental love, am I right?" Yuta only nods. Neither of the two have much to say about this poem. Yifan takes his silence as a signal to move on.

Yifan recites the second poem, which is about platonic love. He doesn't stop to discuss it and Yuta doesn't protest either. He almost doesn't want to hear the third one out loud but, before he can say anything, Yifan has already started narrating it.

Ravenous stares craving deep delight; in someone

Parallel scales, can they bend in sight; for someone                       

No screams in scorn can change one's fate; with someone

Bold dreams of dawn can be just that; there's no one

Yuta's blatant expression in his poem makes him feel exposed. He has always projected honesty and bluntness in his poetry, something he never thought could be held against him. His Hyung gives him a sympathetic look, Yuta looks away and starts picking at his nails to distract himself.

"Did something happen?" Yifan asks, with a gentle tone. The question lingers till Yuta can't find anything to busy himself with. He shakes his head.

"Are you sure?" Yifan asks again and Yuta doesn't know what to say so he shakes his head again. But Yifan waits, he waits for him to find the words, structure a coherent sentence and speak up. For a while, both of them stay silent.

If this was Johnny he was dealing with, it would've been easier; Johnny never uses silence to push words out of him. Unlike Yifan Hyung, Johnny gives Yuta his well-deserved alone time, and space, to gather his thoughts. He knows he has to say something, anything, to get himself out of this situation.

"I just," Yifan lifts his eyes to look at him, "wanted to be clear on how different they are."

"That's it?" Yifan tilts his head.

Yuta only nods.

"Well, if that's the case then I think you're being stupid."

Yuta looks up, "What?" his tone laced with offense.

"The poetry is beautiful, it's your ideology that's stupid."

Yuta folds his hands and presses them tightly against his chest, "What do you mean?" he says through his pressed lips.

"I don't think there's much difference between platonic and romantic love."

 Yuta gives him a confused look. "Hyung, may I remind you the context of our relationship?"

 "I think they're variations of just one love. Both of them require mutual trust, respect, dependability, vulnerability, the evident need to be close and, most importantly, both of them possess the ability to break your heart. You breaking my heart will hurt just as much as Suho breaking my heart. So, no, I don't think they're different-excluding the fact that one of them requires you to be more expressive, physically. That's the only thing separating the two of them."

Yuta sits up and scoffs, before he can reply a reel starts playing in his head-from the day he first met Jaehyun to when he said goodbye to him two days ago. Each scene connected to the next, depicting his actions and feelings from a third person point of view. Why did he look at Jaehyun when he wasn't supposed to? Why did his heart yearn for Jaehyun every minute he wasn't in his company? 

Yuta slumps back into his chair and blinks several times.

All this time, he thought, him belittling even just the idea of romantic love was because he was trying to justify his ignorance and arrogance towards it. He didn't even think, for a second, that he was trying to convince himself how dumb the ideology of romantic love was altogether because he didn't want to come to terms with how he felt for Jaehyun. He fell in love with Jaehyun the first time he saw him play from his room, through his window, and he fell deeper when they shared their first kiss. His confusion, in that moment, wasn't prompted by how he felt about Jaehyun, rather it was because him falling for Jaehyun went against everything he stood for, so much so, that his subconscious couldn't handle that kind of betrayal.

 "Yuta?" Yifan calls out for him, waving his head in front of his face to bring him back to reality, "Are you okay?"

His epiphany comes out in the form of a very low "Oh." He feels weak and sick, he had been trying to fool himself for months, all for what?

He holds onto the edge of the chair as if his life depends on it. He feels like he might lose balance and fall out of it any second, even though he's sitting. The worst part about his revelation is that he isn't scared, that love doesn't scare him anymore. All he can think of right now is running to Jaehyun, his Jaehyun, and telling him how he really feels- that their date wasn't a one-time thing for him, that he wants to kiss him to sleep every night and spend every waking hour listening to his laugh, his beautiful laugh.

"Yuta, why are you crying?" Yifan grabs a tissue box from the corner of his table and hands it to him. He takes it quietly and wipes his tears dry.

"Hyung, I need to go back." Yuta says. Yifan leaves his place from across the table, walks over to Yuta and kneels down next to his chair.

"What?" he asks, gently.

"Hyung I need to - no, I have to tell him," Yuta drops the tissue box and wipes his face with his hands. "I don't want to lose him, Hyung."

Yifan smiles at him sheepishly, gets up and lightly presses his chest against Yuta's head, "I'll ask my assistant to book a ticket for the very next flight that leaves for Jeju. Would you like that?"

Yuta nods into his chest.

 

T_T

Yuta shows up at Jaehyun's door step six hours later. With a bouquet of fresh cloves in his hand, he vividly remembers them being Jaehyun's favourite, and a freshly shaven face. He isn't wearing his usual attire, opting, instead, for a casual yet appealing look of blue jeans and a plaid top. He knocks on the door and a rush of adrenaline causes him to feel jittery. He hears footsteps from behind the door and this- this is it. He's going to do this. A man, who definitely isn't Jaehyun, answers the door. Yuta notes that his fluffy cheeks and pale skin resemble Jaehyun's. Before the man can say anything, Yuta speaks.

"You're Lay Hyung-nim, right?"

He gives him a questioning look, "Yes," he says slowly, "How do you know my name?"

Yuta’s smile grows wider, "Jaehyun talks about you a lot, I'm his friend Nakamoto Yuta." He bows lightly. With the mention of Jaehyun’s name Lays skin grows paler and his lips form a straight line.

"Oh." he says with a flat tone.

Yuta straightens his top with his empty hand. "Could you call him out? I have to talk to him." he says. Lay looks at him tentatively, backing away from the entrance a little as he blinks a few times before saying anything.

"Jaehyun passed away yesterday."

The second the words hit Yuta’s ears his entire body goes cold and his mouth goes dry, he feels queasy and light headed. He grabs onto the railing and tightens his grip to steady himself.

"What?", he says through his numb lips.

The look of shock and confusion on his face is enough for Lay to know that Yuta was unaware.

"He was ill,-" he almost chokes on his words, "-for a long time, but we thought he would have enough time to perform at least once before he left but-" Yuta watches the man's tears cut him off mid-sentence. All the while, he's still trying to think of something to say. Instead, he takes a step back, his grip still tight on the railing. He stands there, trying to catch his breath as if he’s just run a marathon.

He enters a strong daze and, somehow, walks back home but doesn't go in. He sits on his front steps and stares at the sky, begging for the Deity to help him comprehend reality or punch him into wakefulness, to tell him that this is just an awful, awful, dream. He stays like that for a while, with a numb mind and cold sweat pouring down his spine. Only gets up when he finds the strength to.

He lays down on his sofa, his grip still tight on the bouquet of cloves he had picked up earlier today when he was happy and ready to tell the entire world that he's in love. His eyes fall on a picture of him and Jaehyun that's sitting on his coffee table. He remembers the day they had taken the picture so vividly; Jaehyun had been persistent about his hair looking bad while taking the picture but Yuta had insisted they take one for memory's sake. After several pouts and puppy eyes, Jaehyun had agreed and they had taken the picture. Yuta feels a sudden rush of anger.

He sits up and picks up the frame holding their picture.

"How dare you?" He looks at the picture with wet eyes, "How dare you make me fall in love with you and then just leave? You made me believe that there was something good in this God forsaken world?" His tone filled with rage. "You made me think that I could actually have something good, that after 25 years of living as a stoic being I could finally feel love. That everything I made myself learn for 9 years was all a lie."

He wants to throw the frame across the room along with the bouquet of cloves but he doesn't. He places it on the coffee table as gently as he can, given his current emotional state, and places the cloves next to it. He feels trapped; in his own body and in this world.

He feels so stupid for falling in love with Jaehyun's soft smile, his delicate hands and the way they moved so gracefully between the strings. Jaehyun made Yuta forget his reality before he could think twice. Everything Yuta has ever done, every memory he had, turned into dust the second Jaehyun looked at him for the first time.

"You made me love you and didn't even give me the chance to tell you that." The rage in his voice no longer there. Yuta has never felt so hollow before, to him it's like he’s just lost a part of himself. He sits there, on his sofa, with wet eyes and a sinking feeling. He hates himself, in this moment, he hates himself more than anything. If only it hadn't taken him so long to figure out that the knot in his stomach wasn't caused by anxiety, that it wasn't even in his stomach- it was in his heart, his heart felt heavy every time he was around Jaehyun not because he was nervous but because he loves - loved him. And he didn't even get the chance to tell him that. His entire body feels heavy with guilt and regret. His obsessive need to disregard any sense of attachment he feels or has ever felt for anyone had led him to the grave of the only person he has ever truly loved.

He sits there, on his sofa, supporting a heart heavy with guilt, a pair of wet eyes and a longing to hear Jaehyun's enthralling and gentle voice again.

 

T_T

 

 

Yuta is sitting in a crowd of boxes when he hears a gentle knock on the door. When he opens the door he's met with Lay Hyung holding a thick envelope in his hand. His dark circles look a bit better today but Yuta doesn't comment on them.

"Hi." he doesn't extend his hand or even look at him. Everything about him, from his dark circles to his inability to disguise his nervousness, reminds him of Jaehyun. He looks away. Both of them clearly finding the pattern of each other's shoes more interesting.

"I came to give you this," Lay looks up and hands him a padded envelop. "He wrote letters for everyone before he," he coughs lightly, "Before he left."

Yuta takes the envelop from him without saying a word. Lay looks at the stack of boxes sitting near the entrance. "You're moving?" he looks at him with empty eyes and they look so much like him that Yuta has to turn away. He can't cry, not right now. He blinks away his tears and mumbles out a vague reply. "Yeah, I have to go back to Seoul. Work stuff."

"Well, I wish you the best of luck," he says while scratching the back of his neck. Yuta is about to close the door when he speaks up again. "He talked about you a lot." his flat tone now screaming of profound sadness. "I don't know what he wrote in your letter but you definitely were a huge part of his life, I'm very grateful that he had someone like you during his last months. You made him very happy. He's not here to say this, so thank you. Thank you for your kindness and compassion towards him."

"I'm glad I got to know someone like him." he replies with an unsteady voice.

Yuta opens the envelop with shaky hands, and a fierce heartbeat, an hour after Lay has left. There's a CD and a letter in it. He takes out the letter first.

"Hi,

 

I haven't slept since you left so excuse my bad writing. I wanted to give this to you after my recital but I guess that's not going to happen, ha. I'm sorry for not being honest and not telling you about my illness. I just wanted to spend whatever time I had left with someone who didn't look at me with eyes screaming of sympathy. That was selfish of me and I'm very sorry.

 

I'll miss you, a lot, and I hope, or at least I want to believe, that you'll miss me as well. I have a lot of things to thank you for but I don't have enough time or energy to write them down.

 

I just want you to know that if the universe had been kinder to me and had granted me one last wish, I’d wish I had met you 3 years ago, not 3 months ago. I’d wish I had the privilege of knowing you better. I’d wish that I had the courage and the time to tell you this to your face; that although three months is a short period of time but you managed to captivate my heart along with my entire being.

 

I love you." 

 

The letter slips out of his grip as he covers his face with his palms and cries into them. His entire body shakes with every emotion he has been trying to hold back for the past week. He only tries to stop when the lump in his throat hinders his breathing. He chokes on his tears and breaks into a fit of coughs. His vision grows bleary but, without wiping his tears, he picks up the letter from the floor, Jaehyun’s words still echoing in his mind. Yuta feels an ache in his heart. He loved him, Jaehyun loved him.

 

"I love your honest inviting eyes, your wicked remarks, your healing smile, your beautiful heart, I love you and I wish I could hold your hand as I told you every single word of affection I've been holding back for the past month. I love you with my entire being, Nakamoto Yuta. 

 

Meeting you, was the best coincidence the universe has ever blessed me with, knowing you and loving you is the best privilege the universe has ever granted me."

 

Yuta huffs out a shaky breath, trying to calm himself.

 

"I might sound a little full of myself when I say this but I think, or I want to believe, that you loved me too. That every time you looked at me, when you thought I wasn't looking, was out of pure affection and nothing else. I think, or I want to believe, that our first and only kiss left both of us with a feeling of longing. Don't forget me, even if you didn't love me the way I love you. Just promise that you won't forget me."

 

Yuta covers his mouth with his hand. "You bastard." He wipes at his tears.

 

"If I had another chance at life, without question, I would give myself to you, Nakamoto Yuta.

Your friend always,

Jung Jaehyun."

It takes a while for Yuta to calm himself down. His senses return to reality when his eyes land on the crowd of boxes his living room is housing, reminding him that he still has boxes to label and tape and that his flight is set to leave in 8 hours and that he can't stay here a minute longer. He gets up and carefully places the letter next to the vase of cloves. He pulls out the CD from the envelop. Though the writing on it is messy, he still understands it.

"For you, so you never forget me." he reads out loud. The CD has every piece Jaehyun had played for him in the last 3 months. He plays it while he tends to his chores.

The CD is still playing when he finishes packing. He lays down on his sofa, physically and mentally drained. The guilt that had enabled him to move for days has finally let him alone. He finds contentment in just knowing that Jaehyun loved him. With his mind still replaying a montage of Jaehyun, his soothing music playing in the background, Yuta thinks that this is all he needs to carry on in life.

Yuta shows up at Jaehyun's lawn door at exactly 4:45 am. He pushes the handle, it's still open. He takes off his shoes carefully and walks in, his feet carrying him to his spot.

The gayageum is still there. Yuta walks towards it and places a bouquet of cloves on the strings. His eyes move to the chair Jaehyun used to sit on. He sits on it and skims through the strings lightly, the air is still humid but Yuta doesn't find it difficult to breathe in it anymore. For a moment, everything is still but the silence is not disturbing anymore. He doesn't feel the urgent need to crowd his mind because Jaehyun is there. Jaehyun is in the silence that has become so prominent in his life lately. With noise always accompanying him everywhere, Yuta never realized how much peace and comfort the quiet has to offer. He stares at the strings for a while, then gently places a finger one of them.

 "I love you, Jung Jaehyun." he whispers to the strings, "I will always love you."

This is what it should've been like from the beginning of time, when the first wave crashed into grains of sand and birthed a never ending chaos. When Jaehyun looked at him through his bangs and shared a smile with him. This is what it should've been like.

 

T_T