Uhm. Hey baby.

No. Wait I don't say that. That is so wrong.

God help me.

Buddha help me.

Okay so how do I write this? Haha I am finding myself funny at the moment because I realized how awkward I really am, even in writing a letter. . I do hope you bear with me until the very end.

So, uhm, let's start this off properly. Hey there. So I have no idea where to start so I'll just assume things. You're probably wondering why I'm writing this to you. Well, to be honest, I have no idea as well. I guess it's some sort of breather? Wait no. That's not it. Uhm, God how does this work? No wonder everyone keeps telling me how awkward I am. Now I know what they mean.

There's no occasion or anything but I just really want to express my thoughts and feelings so you'll have an idea of what is going on inside this 10-gallon head of mine. You do know, I am not a pretty vocal person about my feelings so at least, I have this letter for you. Hopefully, this is enough to make you understand. And I still have to figure out how to give this to you. God, I'm such an impossible case.

Anyways, I guess I'll just figure out what this is right after I finish writing this crappy letter. Okay, I think I'm making things worse.

Let's just talk about my dilemma here. So I think I'm not the right person for you. Why? I just feel like I am. I don't even deserve someone great like you because I'm not good enough for you. You deserve so much more and I think that you know that as well. I know that very well. Like because of that, I've had so many what if's in my head. They would always be there, reminding me of why I can never tell you how I feel towards you. Or why I shouldn't be with you in the first place. It's frustrating, really. Like how these thoughts always stops me from actually telling you of what I feel about you. It's hard for me that whenever you cling on to me and I would just always simply smile at you and that's it. I think you're getting really tired of me because I'm so expressionless and I don't even tell you what I feel about you nor simply show it.

Those what ifs...

What if we never really met?

Ever wonder what could have happened if we really didn't meet each other? I guess by now, if that really happened, I guess you'd be with someone better. Someone that you truly deserve. Someone that can make you truly happy. Someone who is always there for you and someone that makes you feel that you're loved and shows you enough affection because I know that is what you deserve and that is what you really need.

What if you haven't fell for someone like me?

Someone who's really stoic, someone who doesn't know how to show affection. I guess I would not be having a hard time thinking about the reasons why you did fell for someone like me.You wouldn't have a hard time coping up with my personality. I don't know why this is a what if but it sometimes, it does make me think. Why did you fall for me? Is it because of my looks? No. That's impossible. I'm not even pretty. If there is someone here who is really pretty, that would be you. You're a goddess and you know that. Your fans know about it, your friends know about it, the members know about it, I know about it. Everyone in this world knows about how pretty you are. 

Is it because I'm weird just like you? Okay, now don't deny this one since it is pretty obvious. You would always come up with the craziest scheme that would not only make me crazy but everyone as well. Everyone would always think that you already lost you sanity or something. You also come up with the most weirdest of nicknames. You would always call me names like "Stone", "Buddha", and such. Now others are also calling me that. I don't mind if it's you who calls me that because it is a privilege for me to have these names be said by your beautiful mouth. There is this one time when we were playing Uno with the members and we were just the last two who still have cards left on our hands. I lost that time and you kept on calling me a "er" and "loser" the entire day. I didn't mind though.

Because I'm just this "loser" who is a complete "er" for you.

There's also that time when we out with IOI and we went to that amusement park for shooting "Lan Cable Friends". We had free time since the staff gave us the chance to just simply have fun all by ourselves and you guys got excited so much and you were jumping with so much joy that it made me smile like an idiot, just staring at you. We hung out by that time and you dragged me all around the amusement park. I didn't feel a wee bit tired because all throughout that journey, you were holding my hand and I really like it when you're smiling, not a care in the world. That was also the time when we entered that "Haunted House" since you felt like giving me a good scare. I scoffed at you and told you that those things in there are fake and I told you it's just a complete waste of time and money. But you still insisted that we go. So we did. That was also the time I got traumatized of going into places like that because that white lady could not just leave us alone and she was just simply creepy. You laughed at me so hard at that time since you saw how pale I was and you kept on calling me a "coward" all throughout the day.

You're right though. I'm such a coward and this coward could not even tell you personally about how I feel. Instead of telling you, here I am, writing this sorry excuse of a letter.

I'm down to my last what if and this one is the heaviest of them all.

.

..

What if I didn't fall for you?

God, I don't even know why I keep thinking of this one. It keeps on replaying inside my head like some sort of broken record. There is not one day I actually forgot this one. This is the reason that started it all. It's the very reason that stops me from getting proper sleep. I'm getting paranoid about this one. To be honest, I have no idea why I even thought of this. Maybe it's because I don't deserve you? That I think I'm taking you for granted? Because all my life, I have never been there for you. But you were always there for me and I keep on making you disappointed.

Remember that time, when IOI just disbanded and we were already done with our 3-day concert, we were on our way back to our dorms when you told me how you would miss hanging out with them, practicing with them, eating and laughing with them, just simply being with them. I just looked at you at that time and simply nodded my head. I regretted that big time because I knew by that time that you needed someone to comfort you, someone to hold your hand and tell you that everything's going to be okay, someone to share that pain with you and that someone could have been me if I could just simply be brave enough to tell you what I feel and what I've been thinking. We just held each other's gaze by that time but after a few seconds, you were the one that looked away first and I didn't miss how your eyes portrayed pain and sadness in them. How I wish I could turn back ti