Date Completed: 29 May 2017

Song Recommendation:  Seo In Guk - Flower (When Irene makes her appearance, especially during her POV)

Minor Pairings: SeulDy, JoyGi

 

WARNING.There may be allusions/direct mentions of incidents related to depression, suicidal tendencies and self-harm. Suicide is supposed to be the major theme for this particular fiction but I hope in the end, you'll find HOPE instead of being in despair. Some parts of the stories are based on true events and it was difficult for me to write too. In the end, may hope and love wins over the demons that are chasing after you.

 

 

Wendy was not sure when it started to go wrong.

 

She was a straight As student, an outgoing social butterfly, a loving daughter and she was the model of what everyone should aim to be, at least according to her peers’ parents.

 

So why was she standing at the edge of a tall building right now, peeking down and actually contemplated on jumping?

 

If she jumped, no one would noticed until it was too late. It was past midnight anyway. And the voices in her head was quiet for once. It was different from the usual shouts of being not good enough, of being a mistake.

 

Of being Wendy.

 

For her parents, Wendy was not good enough. For her teachers, she was a troublemaker. For her friends, Wendy was the one who chose love over friendship and should not be trusted. For Seulgi, she was a burden, a nuisance.

 

For herself, she was nothing.

 

 

Wendy let the wind washed over her body and she shivered a little from the cold. She was never good with the cold weather; it was a bit of an irony since she had been in Canada for so long. Her school was very dark at night and she could see the stars in the sky, twinkling in their positions.

 

Some stars belonged to constellations.

 

What about the other stars? What was their purpose in the sky? Who looked at them and decided that they were nothing, that they were not worth it to be put into any constellations? They could be lonely too, watching some stars clustered together, proudly shining and being admired by humans for being a part of something beautiful.

 

Probably they did not care in the first place.

 

Or maybe they had given up on trying to be noticed.

 

 

“Your sister is cleverer than you.”

 

It was not only one time.

 

It happened over and over again, Wendy had lost count. Every time it was uttered, Wendy just gave a light smile and nodded in acknowledgement. They were right anyway. Seunghee was going to be a pharmacist and she was brilliant in music too. Wendy wanted to be a musician and no matter how good she was, she would never be able to overpower the bright sun that was Son Seunghee.

 

She never despised Seunghee, not for a single moment. She might be sad and resented her failure as her parents’ youngest daughter but she loved her elder sister more than anything else in the world. Seunghee was the one who would hold her hand in the car tightly, with her jaw tightened when their parents started to compare them to each other. Seunghee would be the one who wrapped her up in a blanket and hugged her during the nights she cried herself to sleep. Seunghee was the one who would always listen to her ramblings with a smile and answered patiently to all of her questions.

 

Seunghee loved her and it did not matter whether she was Wendy or Seungwan. And because she loved her older sister too; she did not hold her back.

 

When Seunghee told her that she was leaving the house and moved somewhere else to pursue her dreams, Wendy almost fell apart. She did not realize how much she depended on her sister until the day when Seunghee sat her down and told her with worried eyes that she was going to leave the house. Wendy’s insides were shredded but she forced a smile on her face and reassured the older that she would be fine, after all, she was no longer the small, middle school kid who would hide behind her confident and outspoken older sister.

 

It did not matter how many times her parents compared them after Seunghee left. Wendy knew that if she asked her sister to stay, she would do it in a heartbeat and would regret nothing. But because she was brave enough to let Seunghee go, her sister grew to be someone that everyone could be proud of. And she was proud of her sister too, no matter what anyone said.

 

Wendy was dispensable anyway, unlike her older sister.

 

 

“You’re not creative at all.”

 

Wendy was a musician. Sometimes she composed her own songs. She could not explain how much this hurt her, as she put in her every effort and worked hard for every single composition. She could have handled it if it came from someone else, someone insignificant and jealous of her achievement but this was said by her own mother.

 

Her mother was a musician too and when she looked at Wendy’s arrangement with her scrunched brows and uttered those words, Wendy felt a sharp pain piercing her chest but she still smiled and chuckled in front of her. She joked saying that she would have to learn more and tried harder, when her insides were screaming in defeat and the only thought in her mind was to burn every single one of her composition and stopped making music altogether.

 

But she could not do so.

 

Not when every time she saw her parents, one of them would always ask on her progress with piano. Some days, her trumpet. Another, her flute. Everyone could play guitar, so her being able to play guitar was not special at all.

 

Wendy was someone who could not bring anything new in this world.

 

 

 “You abandon your best friend because of Seulgi. What kind of disgusting person are you?”

 

When Wendy was 15, she fell in love for the first time.

 

People thought 15 was too young for love but that was not how it felt with Seulgi. Seulgi was…everything for her.

 

When things became too much for her, she would turn to Seulgi’s embrace and for a moment, nothing could harm her. If the voices in her head got louder, Seulgi would sing and kept them at bay. When Seulgi smiled, Wendy was mesmerised and a smile would slowly form on her face without her even realizing it. They would make sure that the last thing they did every night was to bid each other goodnight and their mornings would start with sweet morning wishes. Wendy gave Seulgi everything she could and she thought Seulgi did too. With their hands intertwined, Wendy thought she had nothing to fear.

 

It was them against the world. Even when the whole world was against Wendy, as long as she had Seulgi, she would be fine.

 

That was the thought that isolated Wendy from the rest of people she thought were her friends. One by one, they left her. Or she left them. The details were blurry, as days after days she spent with Seulgi, she broke another promise and turned down every chance she got to make things right. She only realized what she had lost when the day she arrived in class at the morning of her birthday, no one greeted her. No one bothered, even Yeri, the person she regarded as her best friend.

 

She sat at her assigned seat in daze that day. She had a fight with Seulgi the night before and even her own girlfriend did not text her a single birthday text. She tried to talk to Yeri but the girl just excused herself before walking away from Wendy and joined her, their group of friends and Wendy could only watch as they walked away together, chatting and laughing as if she did not even exist.

 

Wendy gripped her fist tightly and stared defiantly ahead. She was determined to not let anyone saw that they had gotten to her.

 

Wendy was someone who abandoned her friends because she put love over everything, so why should she be forgiven?

 

 

“Your grandpa would have been ashamed of the person you've become.”

 

Before Seunghee and Seulgi, Wendy had her grandpa.

 

When her parents hovered over her too much and suffocated her, when Seunghee was busy with school, when she had nowhere else to turn to, she would go to her grandfather’s house. Her grandfather had lived alone ever since her grandmother passed away and out of all of his grandchildren, Wendy was the only one who would visit him regularly.

 

He would greet Wendy with his toothless smile and accompanied her to watch TV while chatting heartily, happy with her granddaughter’s presence. He would take out his old bicycle and took Wendy around the neighbourhood with it. Whenever he had to go to the market, he would bring her along and proudly introduced everyone he knew to his youngest granddaughter. Wendy loved being surrounded by the elders in the market who recognized her by sight and would greet her enthusiastically. With her grandfather, she was safe and loved.

 

Her grandfather knew things were tough for Wendy at home and Wendy pretended not to know but she had overheard him telling her parents to be easy on her; not that it would ever happen. Her parents were chasing for perfection and Wendy needed to mirror this alongside Seunghee. No matter how hard it was, Wendy did not mind trying to play the role that her parents had set on her. Her parents were not her utmost importance; she was going to make her grandfather proud of her so that he would bring her to the market with a lot of aunties and uncles again one day and showed her off to them.

 

The day he passed away, Wendy lost a huge part of herself.

 

When she watched the casket being lowered to the ground, she had to remind herself over and over again that she should not jump and lay in the ground with him. She gripped her dress tightly and when Seunghee unravelled her grip and intertwined their fingers together, Wendy felt herself relaxed.

 

But the relief was temporary.

 

She would cry herself to sleep night after night without anyone knowing, as crying was seen as a weakness and in the Son’s household, weakness was not tolerated. Wendy resorted to crying when she was showering and learned the art of hiding the signs of crying early. She learned how to smile brightly and laughed even when she did not mean any of it and she knew then that no one liked an unhappy person. So she kept on smiling.

 

With Seulgi, she could let her guards down. She could talk about her fears and insecurities and because she trusted Seulgi with everything she had, she told her first love about her grandfather, the most important person in her life. She bared her soul and Seulgi accepted them all.

 

Until Seulgi could not hold it in anymore.

 

During one of their arguments, she had told Wendy that her grandpa would have been disappointed with person Wendy had become and Wendy did not know that words could feel like a punch in the gut until that day. Seulgi had apologized later but Wendy had never really forgiven her. She knew Wendy’s major weakness and she actually attacked that weak point in a moment of a spiteful argument.

 

Wendy built herself slowly after her grandfather’s death. She took years to stop crying at the thought of their memories and to learn to open up to people again. Seulgi’s words destroyed years of her effort and took her back to square one, when she had no confidence to even look at people in the eyes after her grandfather’s passing.

 

She told Seulgi that it was fine but since then, she had secretly developed a little hate for Seulgi because she knew how dangerous Seulgi was for her. The worse thing was, she still could not leave Seulgi because no matter how bad their relationship had become, she loved Seulgi still and depended on her too much.

 

Which was why when one day Seulgi met her one day with a gloomy face, Wendy knew just how much a person could be broken yet could still be breathing.

 

“I think I’m in love with someone else now.”

 

 

The wind was blowing stronger now and Wendy’s slim figure swayed slightly. She was not scared at all. She just looked at the stars, noticing those that were not in any constellations and she silently counted each one of them. She did not hear the footsteps approaching her and she noticed a little too late when someone wrapped their arms around her waist and yanked her down.

 

She fell on top of the newcomer and a yelp of pain was heard. Wendy felt dizzy but she felt herself being pushed aside before she was pinned down again by someone. Locks of black hair curtained her face and she found herself staring into the eyes of Bae Irene, one of her seniors who graduated high school two years ago but she still visited the school regularly for her dance club as her college was near the school.

 

Why would she be in school late at night? And why would she come to the rooftop?

 

Irene was panting hard, as if she had been running and Wendy could see the sweat running down her face. Wendy had this weird urge to wipe the sweat and pushed Irene’s hair behind her pretty ears but she was too shocked to do anything. Irene should be tired but she looked more pissed off than exhausted.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

 

Irene shouted right in front of her face out of nowhere and Wendy winced. Irene’s expression changed and she moved away from Wendy and sat beside her. Now she was the one who seemed taken aback by her actions. Wendy rose and sat cross-legged on the floor. She traced the mark left on her arm due to Irene’s strong grip and she stared at the scars on her arm for a few moment before she raised her head and looked at Irene.

 

Irene was staring at her arm too, but Wendy knew that Irene was not looking at the fresh mark that was left by her. Instead, her eyes were following the lines that were left by Wendy on herself. Some were old lines and some, she knew, were red and new. Irene’s mouth fell agape and Wendy forced a tiny smile as she crossed her arms on her stomach, hiding them and creating a barrier between herself and Irene.

 

“I think the question should be…why are you here?”

 

Wendy muttered lowly but the wind carried her voice over to Irene. Irene inched closer to Wendy but she flinched away. The older girl stopped and pursed her lips.

 

“I saw you from the convenience store in front of school. I work there on Fridays and Saturdays.”

 

Wendy nodded. She did not realize walking past the convenience store. If she was to be honest, she did not notice anything at all on her way. Her mind was fixated on arriving at the school’s rooftop and she was oblivious to her surroundings. For her, everything still appeared to be in slow motion and unreal. The only one who grounded her to her surroundings right now was Irene. Without her, Wendy would probably still be loss in thoughts, thinking of every single one of her failure and eventually just fell off the roof.

 

She wondered if she would actually jump.

 

“Thanks, I guess.”

 

She spoke carelessly and the rush of anger she watched before seemed to flit to Irene’s face again.

 

“Thanks? Really? After…what you tried to do?”

 

Wendy admired how Irene tried her best to level her voice although she obviously was not calm. Wendy did not answer. Yet, she laid herself flat on the rooftop floor again and gestured for Irene to come and join her. She was not really expecting anything, but she was taken by surprise when the older girl abided and laid beside her. They were both looking at the stars and for a moment, no one spoke until Wendy broke the silence.

 

“I’m in pain, sunbae. Although I’m not sure whether I’m going to actually jump, thank you for showing me that there’s always an alternative that presents itself when I don’t think there is hope left.”

 

Again, silence filled the space between them. Wendy used the moment to trace the sky with her eyes, watching the stars and the moon blanketing the night sky. She wanted to be among them, to take one of the empty spaces between them. Suddenly, Wendy felt a warm hand enveloped her cold one and held her hand tightly, anchoring her to Earth when she felt like flying among the stars.

 

She felt more than see when Irene changed to a sitting position and looked at her. Wendy’s heart was beating fast for reasons she could not comprehend but she trained her eyes on the stars, trying to distract herself from looking into Irene’s dark eyes that shone like stars of their own, contrasting greatly with her fair skin.

 

“Wendy.”

 

Irene’s voice forced Wendy to look at her senior and stopped pretending that she didn’t notice that Irene was staring at her. When their eyes met, Wendy could not read the emotions swirling behind the older girl’s eyes but her heart seemed to sense that something huge was about to happen. The pounding was so loud, Wendy wondered why Irene had not said anything about it yet.

 

Irene caressed Wendy’s bangs lightly with her free hand before she took a deep breath.

 

“Let me help you with your pain.”

 

It felt as if time stopped for a moment as Wendy tried to process Irene’s words.

 

“What?”

 

Even in the dark, Wendy could see Irene’s blush and the older girl averted her eyes this time and stared at the sky, her hand never letting go of Wendy’s hand.

 

“Do you…want to be my girlfriend? I know this may seem weird but it’s not something out of the blue. I’ve known you for more than three years now and…although we don’t really talk, I feel like I know you well since Seulgi would always talk about you.”

 

Wendy felt constricted at the thought of Seulgi but she pushed the thought aside, trying to focus on her senior who was currently…confessing? Irene had turned to look at Wendy again.

 

“I’m not sure if you will even remember me if we don’t see each other because of Seulgi. But uh, you left quite an impression on me after our first meeting and I just seem to notice you everywhere.”

 

Flashes of a spring