It is 2 a.m. They’re lying on their bed, fingers intertwined under the covers, lost in thoughts of each other, of one another. Even under his own roof, inside his palace of house, Seunghyun can’t find his peace just yet. Pains are buzzing like bees, stinging like fire in his chest he can’t remember how to breathe. He was all over the place and life was in the hold of his arms.

“Hyung.”

The softest touch on his cheek sends cruel waves of pleasure to the point of his toes. He loves how the honorific comes out from the younger man’s lips, how it’s a distance and home all at once. There’s no question mark behind his word, just another reassurance that it’s right.

This is the ending.

Seunghyun can’t help but trembling.

Daesung wraps his arms around Seunghyun’s waist, shamelessly, desperately trying to claim the sadness as his even as he knows that there are some part of the older male he can’t have. That Seunghyun will always be his own person. It kills him but that’s the rule they have to play to live on as human being. At least, he’s allowed to watch the melt down.

No.

He shifts his body to kiss him; soft on the forehead, merely a brush in between his eyebrows, peck on the tip of his nose, and as hard as he could on the lips. Seunghyun tensed at the contact, a sign of retreating he recognizes too much, but he must push pass the barrier or else, he’ll lose him again.

When he pries Seunghyun’s lips open, the older male’s hands come to clutch his arms, pushing away. It hurts, not only physically, knowing that he doesn’t belong in Seunghyun’s madness. Driven by his own insanity, he struggles to win. He is stronger, he wants to be strong enough for them both.

It turns to a battle, a war, as Seunghyun refuses to give up, flipping their position so he can pin Daesung’s wrists on either side of his head, hovering him until all the shadow falls upon the younger man like ocean. Anger drips out from every inch of Seunghyun’s skin, his lungs burnt out in the attempts to hold himself together. He’s been trying his best to make it through, to leave everything in the best and perfect timing.

“Why?” he spits out. Daesung dares to look at him in the eyes, another trigger to his rage. Right now, the thoughts of them are ridiculous, there’s no light in the end of the tunnel. Right now, feelings aren’t seemed to be forgiven.

“Because you’re going to break up with me,” Daesung says, syllables comes out as hammers. It breaks Seunghyun’s resolution to keep it inside of himself as he tightens the hold around the younger man’s wrists. Daesung doesn’t let out a whimper.

“I am,” Seunghyun lowers his head, mouth hanging just millimeters away from Daesung’s. “I don’t want you to come anymore.”

“ you.”

With that, Seunghyun mind go wild, disgusted. “What do you want?” he can’t speak Daesung’s name, it tastes venom.

“You can’t break up with me. You can’t break me.”

He’s scattered and forgotten, unforgiven. He is a fraction that doesn’t fit anymore, he just doesn’t belong. There are no place to hide, not even in himself because Daesung would find him, would nurse him, would tell him that things will be alright.

He needs a break, a time to run away.

“I can,” Seunghyun grits his teeth but Daesung doesn’t look scared at all. “You can’t stop me.”

“Try,” the singer mocks. “You know I will.”

Seunghyun lost his mind as he pounces on him. His teeth are ambushing Daesung’s lips as his hands moves to grip on the hips. Fire rekindles in his chest; just like smoke, lust and desire drives his action. Daesung lets out a sharp gasp, but that’s all. Seunghyun can’t see past his own determination to take control once again in his fingertips, to feel the rush of excitement of being part of something worth to live for, of knowing that he’s doing just fine.

And Daesung lets him, attacking his every inch with all the frustration that has been building up inside Seunghyun’s head, that has been flowing through his veins for the past few months. Daesung encourages him to pour it out, revealing all the suicidal thoughts. Daesung dares Seunghyun to leave scars, to make marks of destruction on him, in him, lines of all colors that might not be pretty.

Seunghyun paints with pain, with desperation of himself, disappointment upon his own action, and most importantly, regrets. The desperation to find his way out had gone past the limit, heading toward giving up. Waiting game but he wants to bid a proper goodbye. Was it so hard for Daesung to cooperate? Was it so hard for him to let Seunghyun be?

Doesn’t he love him?

“You can’t go away,” as if reading through minds, Daesung answers his question. “I love you so much.”

“Then you should let me die,” Seunghyun begs.

“I won’t,” the younger male tries to catch air as Seunghyun dives again. His lips are swollen, he can taste metal when the senseless kiss comes again, but he won’t complain. He’s been waiting for the chance to catch him, he will do better than he ever did, he will be better than he ever was.

Seunghyun pulls back when Daesung chokes out a sob, unable to hold back anytime longer.

But it’s alright because Daesung watches it, sees when all the black turns into blue, when all the vexation shape–shifts into an emotion he recognizes, one that he hadn’t seen in a while. Seunghyun leans down to apologize against his ears and that’s all that matters.

There’s art in basking after collective mess. There’s warmth in silence. The aftermath is breathtaking ruins and they embrace each other tightly.

“You can’t break me,” Daesung says. “I’ll just bend.”

“You do,” Seunghyun runs his fingers on the younger male’s hair. “I shouldn’t even try.”

“You shouldn’t,” Daesung cries out and Seunghyun holds him. “I love you so much.”

“I don’t know what’s going in my mind,” Seunghyun confesses. He doesn’t know how to get rid of the weight completely, maybe he will never be able to. But he finds courage in knowing that he’s a complete puzzle for someone else, that he is a reason for someone to live, to love.

It feels good to breathe in Seunghyun’s arms. He wants to be braver, bolder in letting out his thoughts. “I won’t let you go.”

“What if –”

“And you shouldn’t let me go, I’m tired, hyung, I really am,” Daesung breaks. “I miss you so much.”

Tears are closing around his throat and Seunghyun cries too. “I miss you too. I was too afraid to talk to you.”

“I know, I was too afraid to talk to you too, hyung.”

“Because we might break?”

“Because we might break,” Daesung nods. “I thought that it’s better to be alone for a while until everything gets better.”

“Nothing gets better,” Seunghyun admits. “Nothing is better without you.”

“Nothing,” Daesung agrees. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

“I’m sorry, Daesung, I really am.”

 

 

He wakes up in an empty bed with strong presence of Seunghyun all over the room. Fear creeps through him in a speed of light it sends him tumbling as he makes his way downstairs.

“Good morning.”

He turns around to find Seunghyun still in his pajama, holding a mug of coffee in his hand. “You’re not leaving.”

“I’m not,” Seunghyun reaches out to hold his hand. “As long as you won’t.”

“I won’t,” Daesung laughs, cries, running out of statement and promises to make. The future is unknown but love settles in the moment, taking one steps at a time. There might be more nightmares to come but also dreams to hope on, there might be obstacles in their way but happiness are also waiting around the corner.

Sun will come, rain will fall and feelings are just as complicated as it should be but they will find out together.

 

For now, that is okay.