Casper opened his eyes groggily. Faint morning light shone through the window, slowly banishing the darkness his room was enveloped in. With a groan he his back, away from the light, and looked at the clock on the nightstand. The green numbers glowed at him angrily, making him close his eyes. It seemed like they burned itself into his retinas as even with his eyes tightly shut, he could still see “4:37AM” clearly. Covering his head with the duvet, he tried to fall back asleep. Time dragged on but Casper still couldn’t sleep. The insides of his wrists itched, denying him rest. He rubbed them against the sheets but it only made the itching turn into a dull pain.

“What the…”

He brought his hands before his eyes and looked at his wrists. There were red lines running across them. Casper squinted in disbelief. Reaching out, he the night lamp and examined his wrists in a better light. The lines looked suspiciously like cut marks. Muttering under his breath, he ran his fingers over the marks, confirming their existence. Then his eyes widened in panic as realisation struck him.

“My soulmate… is cutting themselves?”

Casper shot out of his bed and started searching for clothes to put on but then he stopped. He didn’t know who his soulmate was. Sliding against the wardrobe, he sat on the floor. It was so frustrating, knowing that someone destined for you were hurting themselves. Casper punched the floorboards in exasperation. Then he froze. He should avoid hurting himself so that his soulmate wouldn’t be in unnecessary pain.

Slowly getting up, Casper trudged to his bedside drawer and pulled out an elastic bandage. He grabbed some clothes as well and left for the bathroom to take a shower. After finding out about his soulmate’s condition he wouldn’t be able to sleep so he might as well start his day a bit earlier.

***

After showering and carefully wrapping his wrists up, Casper went to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, chugged half of it down almost instantly and then proceeded to make dumplings for breakfast. His mind was still focused on the person destined for him though. Casper couldn’t stop worrying. What was bothering his soulmate so much that they hurt themselves? A sudden longing and want to help overcame him. He wants to know who his soulmate is. He wants to know why they’re doing this horrible thing. He wants to know them. He wants to help.

Lost in thought, Casper didn’t realise he made too many dumplings. For a moment he just stared at them in astonishment but then decided to fry some for himself and put the uncooked ones in the fridge for his band members. With a plate of dumplings in hand, he returned to his room and sat at the desk. The computer made a quiet whirring noise when Casper turned it on. It was still early so he plugged in his headphones and decided to compose something, just to take his mind off of things.

It proved to be a poor distraction, however, because he found his thoughts circulating around the mysterious person – his soulmate. It was a bittersweet feeling. On the one hand, he was happy that he finally knew for sure that somewhere in this world there is a person who is destined for him. On the other hand, this same person hurts themselves and he has no means to stop this self-abuse. There are probably millions of people who cut themselves, finding this one among all of them is like looking for a needle in a haystack, a needle that can suddenly move to a different city, country or continent. Not to mention, even if he somehow managed to reach all of these people, there was no guarantee that he’d be able to communicate with them.

With a frustrated sigh Casper turned off the computer. He put the headphones somewhere on his desk, uncaringly, and threw himself on the bed. Lying on his back, he covered his eyes with the crook of his right arm. His troubling thoughts drained him and he eventually managed to drift into an uneasy sleep.

***

The sun was already high on the sky when Casper woke up. The clock with its green numbers obnoxiously told him that it was way past 12PM. His dreams were filled with disturbing images that left him with trembling hands and covered in cold sweat.  He took another shower. After drying himself up with a towel, he looked at the marks on his wrists. They were more visible than in the morning but didn’t itch or hurt. He re-wrapped them with elastic bandage, put on some clothes and went out of his room.

Seyoung, Takuya and Shin were in the living room. They were sitting in a semi-circle on the floor, steaming pot of dumplings in front of them. As soon as they saw the rapper, they beckoned him over.

“Yo hyung, thanks for the dumplings!” shouted Shin, even though there was no need to be that loud. “Do you want some before we eat them all?” he asked, trying to feed Takuya who already had one dumpling in his mouth.

“No, thanks” Casper replied, sitting near the trio. He couldn’t stop thinking about his soulmate. He considered telling his band members about it but then decided against it. It was his problem, he shouldn’t bother others.

“Is something the matter?” Takuya, always the one to pick up on his mood no matter what, asked with underlying concern.

Casper sent him a tired but genuine smile and shook his head. “I’m fine, just slept weirdly”

Everything was quiet after this, only the sounds of the trio munching happily on dumplings could be heard. Casper watched the food disappear from the pot, lost in his thoughts. He didn’t notice Seyoung sneaking up on him so he jumped in surprise when the eldest grabbed his wrist.

“Easuh thar” he said with a dumpling in his mouth. “Whashup wish four vrishtsh?”

Casper could only blink, not understanding his hyung at all. “Uhhh… come again?”

Seyoung smiled sheepishly, as if the thought that speaking with a full mouth makes people hard to understand never occurred to him. He put up his hand in a “wait a moment” sign and tried to swallow the dumpling without properly chewing on it first. Unsurprisingly, he started choking right after.

Takuya patted Seyoung’s back none too gently. “You should chew first, silly” the Japanese man chuckled and ruffled the vocalist’s hair affectionately. Seyoung mumbled something that sounded like “sorry” but Casper couldn’t be sure as the blonde man was still gripped by a coughing fit.

Then Takuya looked at Casper, his brown orbs full of intensity piercing right through his soul. “Hyung” he said. “I’m also curious. What happened to your wrists?”

“Ah, this” the rapper tried very hard to appear indifferent but a nervous chuckle slipped past his lips anyway. “I pulled a muscle when exercising”

The Japanese man squinted at him and a drop of sweat slid down Casper’s back. He thought that Takuya saw right through him. But then the visual sighed and rubbed his temples.

“You guys are so clumsy, I swear to God I feel more like your mum than a fellow member…”

“If you’re the mum then I’m the dad!” Shin jumped right into the conversation, trying to feed Takuya more dumplings and knocking him to the ground in the process. Shin managed to get the dumpling into Takuya’s mouth after a third try, hitting him on the nose and cheek the first two times.

It was then that Casper decided to retreat to his room. He left the trio behind, not paying much attention to the silently fuming Takuya, pouting Seyoung or mischievously grinning Shin. He wasn’t in the mood to be the middle man when Seyoung and Shin started quarrelling about whose turn it was to feed Takuya. Again.

But even when he turned around and started walking towards his room, he could feel a burning stare on his back. He didn’t dare look behind in fear of s figuring out he didn’t tell them the whole truth.

***

A few days have passed and Casper was glad to notice that the marks on his wrists disappeared. It meant his soulmate stopped the self-abuse. He smiled, going about his morning routine in unusually high spirits. He even hummed while preparing breakfast, getting a wide smile from Sangmin and a weird look from Yongseok.

Casper stood at the entrance to the kitchen with a plate of sandwiches in hand, watching Shin and Seyoung move the couch they just bought with Takuya sitting on top of it.

“A bit to the left!” ordered Takuya and the other two men complied. “Hmm… No. A bit to the right!”

“God, they’re so pathetic” Casper was startled by the sudden whisper behind him. Turning back, he saw it was Yongseok. The rapper glared at the maknae playfully when he stole one of his sandwiches and Yongseok just batted his eyelashes at him.

“Why do you think so?” Casper munched on his sandwich, no longer looking at the maknae but diverting all his attention to the trio in the living room. Takuya changed his mind again, the leader and the oldest member moved the couch without a word of complaint.

“I mean just look at them!” Yongseok shouted with his mouth full, bits of chewed sandwich and spittle flying in every direction. Casper brushed the residue off his shoulder with a disgusted look on his face. Yongseok apologised, swallowed and continued “Shin hyung and Seyoung hyung are hopelessly in love with Takuya hyung and would do everything to win him over. They fight often, they’re not big fights or anything but still, and Taku hyung can’t choose between them because he’s afraid of ruining team work or some . And it’s all just so pathetic because they can easily find out who is Taku hyung’s soulmate by kicking something really hard. Am I right or am I right?”

Silence fell over the whole dorm. Five pairs of eyes looked at the youngest member in astonishment because yes, he was right.

“For a person who talks all the time, this was surprisingly insightful” Seyoung said in wonder and Yongseok smirked triumphantly.

“Ha!” Shin shouted, pointing at the oldest member dramatically. “Pack your bags Lee Seyoung ‘cause you’re about to lose!” He turned to Takuya and his face lovingly. “I’m sorry baby, this is gonna hurt a little” Without further ado, Shin ran at the drawer at the end of the room and kicked it as hard as he could.

“Ow! Why did you have to kick it so ha-“

Everyone froze when it wasn’t Takuya who spoke but Seyoung. The newfound soulmates stared at each other in shock, Yongseok’s obnoxious laughter piercing the silence. Shin and Seyoung both screamed at the top of their lungs, horrified, and ran back to their respective rooms. Sangmin tried to pick Yongseok up from the floor, the maknae had almost purple face and could barely breathe because of laughing too hard.

Casper, however, was looking at Takuya. The Japanese man had an unreadable expression on his face. The rapper noticed Takuya’s lips moving but didn’t hear what he said. Casper wanted to go over to his friend but his muscles wouldn’t move. He wasn’t good at comforting people, besides, he didn’t even know Takuya needed comforting.

But guilt gripped his heart like a vice when suddenly Takuya stood up and vanished inside his room. Casper could swear he saw the light glittering off of what seemed to be a single tear running down the Japanese man’s cheek.

***

Casper woke up in the middle of the night. His wrists burned and he didn’t need to look to know that horizontal lines were running across them. He clenched his teeth. It weren’t his wrists that hurt the most though, it was his heart. He couldn’t bear the thought that a person so important to him continued the self-abuse. He felt helpless. Not being able to help slowly killed him inside. He was convinced his soulmate stopped cutting themselves but something must have gone horribly wrong. What though? Casper couldn’t stop thinking about it. What could be the reason for someone to think there was no other way to escape the pain but by reaching for a razor and using it in the most harmful way?

He stood up. Taking a sip from the bottle of water he left on his nightstand before he went to sleep, he made his way to the bathroom. He was surprised to see the light coming from under the door. Casper knocked.

“Uh- just a moment!” Takuya’s slightly panicked voice answered from within the bathroom. “I’ll come out in a minute!”

Casper shrugged and leaned on the wall next to the door. A few seconds later the sound of flushing the toilet could be heard and then the quiet squeak of the faucet. The whoosh of the running water made Casper feel sleepy all of a sudden. He dozed off against the wall, only snapping his eyes open when Takuya opened the bathroom door. Casper raised an eyebrow upon seeing the taller man dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and basketball shorts. Takuya coughed uncomfortably.

“I, uh, I was cold.”

Casper hummed in acknowledgement and Takuya went to his room. As soon as he vanished from his sight, the rapper felt his wrists throb and unease crawl its way back into his heart. He never noticed it before but whenever he was around Takuya he felt calm. Casper pondered over this fact a bit, before doing what he came to the bathroom for and going back to his room to try and get some sleep. For some reason he dreamt of Takuya this night, waking up rested and calm in the morning.

***

The day after Shin and Seyoung found out they are soulmates was awkward. They tried to avoid each other, which was hard because this day was spent in the practice room, revising choreographies, but at the same time they kept looking at each other when they thought the other wasn’t paying attention. Casper thought it was painful to watch, Yongseok said so out loud.

“Just kiss and get it over with already, dummies!”

But it only made things even more awkward and Casper was no longer sure whether he wanted to kill the newfound soulmates or the maknae. Or all of them. Preferably all of them.

Casper saw Takuya leave the practice room the moment Shin announced a 15-minute break. After just a few seconds of hesitating he decided that he’d rather spend this time with his best friend rather than watch Shin talk with Sangmin while pretending he wasn’t checking out Seyoung who was talking with Yongseok on the other side of the room.

Once Casper closed the door of the practice room behind himself, he heaved a sigh of relief. The air in the corridor was clearer, and it’s not just because it doesn’t smell like sweaty men in here.

The rapper looked around discreetly and noticed Takuya by the vending machine. In a sudden burst of playfulness, he snuck up on the Japanese man and shouted “boo!” when he was behind him. Startled, Takuya hit his hand on the keypad and exclaimed something in Japanese which, even with his limited knowledge about the language, Casper was sure was a curse. There was a dull thud as a bottle of orange juice fell down. Takuya turned to Casper slowly.

“I wanted water, not juice.”

Casper couldn’t help but laugh at his friend’s pout. He patted his in a sign to move over and, still giggling, bought Takuya a bottle of water.

“Here you go.” Casper said, handing the Japanese man the bottle. He chuckled one last time and took the orange juice that Takuya bought by mistake. They spent the break nursing their drinks in comfortable silence. When they came back to the practice room the atmosphere was less awkward than before, for which Casper was infinitely grateful, and the rest of the practice went by without a hitch.

***

To say that Casper didn’t sleep well the following week would be an understatement. Each night was worse than the previous one, the marks on his skin became more prominent, flashing angry red at him each time he looked, and the pain he felt was greater too. Casper was sick with worry. He performed badly during practice, his mind occupied with his soulmate whose identity was still a mystery. It was torture. Casper didn’t even know how to find his soulmate, it could be literally anyone in the world.

Then, when he woke up one morning, he was overcome with a sudden sense of dread. His mind was all over the place, his thoughts were like threads, threads he couldn't catch because they slipped through his fingers as soon as he touched them. Takuya. The vocalist's name resonated inside his head. He needed to see him, talk to him. Why? He had no idea. But an illogical sense of foreboding burrowed itself deep in his bones and his brain was screaming at him to move and find the Japanese man. It's probably going to pass once he saw Takuya, at least that's what he kept telling himself.

Just as he was reaching for the doorknob, a searing pain erupted from his wrists, first right and then the left one. It was a pain he never felt before, so strong his head reeled and he almost fell down. Casper didn't know how long he was trying to regain balance but as soon as he was standing upright again and there was no ringing in his ears he could faintly hear Yongseok complaining about Takuya occupying the bathroom for a long time.

As the rapper tried to pull himself together, Yongseok's annoyance turned into worry.

"Why is there so quiet over there, bro? Are you fapping or what?" Casper could hear the youngest's nervous chuckle and then insistent banging on the bathroom door. He went out of his room and headed straight to where the commotion was coming from. Gently pushing Yongseok away, he knocked on the bathroom door three times.

"Takuya? You alright in there?" he somehow expected a lack of answer but it made him worry nonetheless.

By this time the other members of the group gathered before the bathroom door, all of them uneasy. Casper felt lightheaded and the sense of dread from before returned full force. Stepping aside from the entrance to the bathroom, he readied his shoulder and ran full pelt at the door, ramming into it and tearing off its hinges. He could hear alarmed gasps from the other members but the sounds were muffled, as if he was submerged in water.

Red, red, red everywhere. Red tainted water was flowing out of the red smeared bathtub and made red rivulets on the red splattered floor. Red was the razor that has fallen from the red streaked hand. And amongst this overwhelming red there was Takuya’s face – deathly pale, eyes closed, lips almost white. His blood was also on his clothes and for some reason even in his hair. Red. Red, red, red.

Casper gritted his teeth and tried to keep his stomach calm. He tore his shirt and wrapped up the wounds on Takuya's wrists before pressing his pointer and middle finger against the man's neck. Pulse. Very weak, almost non-existent, but still there. He lifted the soaked body out of the tub. Going in the direction of the living room, he was vaguely aware of barking at his band mates to call an ambulance. He set Takuya on a couch they bought just a couple weeks ago and sat on the ground by him.

Only when the nurses were taking the Japanese man did Casper notice wet streams running from his eyes and down his cheeks. He felt a hand on his shoulder. Almost immediately he clung to the owner of the hand and started sobbing uncontrollably, red dots swimming in his vision even when he closed his eyes.