9 JANUARY 2017

Juhyang

“Cause you never think the last time is going to be the last time, you think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t.” - Grey’s Anatomy

I inhale deeply, taking in the scenery. I must have been standing in front of the ocean for a long period of time as my legs start to feel numb and my hands start to shake. Or maybe its the cold winter wind making me feel more miserable than I usually am. Either way, it hurts all the same.

When I get into my car and turn on the radio, I hear your voice. And I remember it all over again. It keeps coming back to me. Six years have passed yet I can still see it clearly. The wound in my chest only gets deeper every passing second. Time doesn’t feel real to me. It doesn’t help that I see you everywhere. You seem happy. How can you live like this? How can you live so freely when your hands are covered in blood?

Taehyung

They’re watching the news while I try to busy myself doing anything else but watch you. I always knew you would make it.

19 SEPTEMBER 2010

Taehyung

As I lay my head on your lap, I get a taste of what peace feels like. I know I shouldn’t be doing this. But watching your eyes light up and hearing you talk about your dream is the closest thing to tranquility. 

“I’m going to be a journalist and I’m going to make it.” You say it with so much certainty like you know your future, it almost makes me want to be there when it happens. I have never seen anyone so confident and content. Your happiness is the most contagious thing I have ever been intoxicated with. 

Juhyang 

I don’t think anyone understands my love. For example, in economics class, we learn that utility is the satisfaction derived from an action. However, this utility or happiness you get diminishes overtime when the action is done repeatedly. Think of skipping breakfast and when you finally find some time to eat lunch and you get to eat that ramen, bliss comes flowing in you. But after a few minutes of eating, that satisfaction is going to disappear gradually as you start to become full. Same goes for love. Or how other people love anyway. Feelings start to fade away and after that, it’s all about teamwork and compromise. But not for me. I never get tired of you. I’ll love you forever.