Youngjae paced in his room, chest tight and throat constricted with stress. What was he supposed to do? He had nobody to talk to right now...and he really wanted to talk to someone. He needed to, actually, because it hurt to have to keep all his sadness plugged up inside of him. He needed somewhere to vent, but the person he usually unleashed everything upon wasn't an option anymore for Youngjae and his proud self.

He gruffly changed the course of his pacing to the hallway, heading to the bathroom and gripping the cold tile counter. He bit his lip as he angrily looked at his own reflection, disgusted with what he saw. People always told him he was beautiful, but what did it matter if he wasn't beautiful on the inside?

He pretty much hated himself now. This wasn't the first falling out he'd ever had with friends, but the fact that it was with Daehyun, someone he begrudgingly admitted to caring about, made it worse.

He didn't want to like Daehyun, not when it would just make him more irrational and he'd therefore act stupider and stupider around the older. So he'd tried to push Daehyun away, saying things that surprised even him just to get his friend to finally decide that Youngjae wasn't worth it.

Youngjae knew he wasn't worth it, especially not when he was insanely proud and thick headed. Not when he became so self-loathing and sensitive that he failed to be logical. It was almost a game to Youngjae, to see just how far he could go, how far he could push himself to say things that he never would have said before. Things that after he'd said them, he'd feel empty and scared. A “what have I done?” kind of feeling.

And it frustrates the hell out of him that Daehyun just took it. Why couldn't he see that he was being emotionally abused? Youngjae didn't understand. Why did Daehyun insist that it was fine for Youngjae to act like this? It wasn't! And Youngjae was sick to his stomach thinking about how he’d let his ego control him and said terrible things to Daehyun, a friend who always ever wanted the best for him.

He tried time and time again to push him away, believing with all his heart that doing so would be saving Daehyun from dealing with this mess. Youngjae knew he was a mess, but didn't do much about it. He just sort of figured that was who he was and he was forever doomed to repeat the cycle of put on a happy face, make friends, and then watch as the facade eventually crumbles away to reveal his prideful and depressing self.

This had happened with Himchan, but it was easy to distance himself because the older had moved away to college. It had happened with Junhong, whom he’d liked romantically and that just added fuel to the fire. He never acted like this with people he didn't care about.

So when Jung Daehyun found his way into his life, first as a friend, Youngjae was skeptical. But he told himself “I've been through this twice before. I'm more mature now, I can control myself. It’ll be fine.”

But it wasn't fine. Youngjae dropped his face to his hands and heaved a sigh. As he got closer and closer to Daehyun, the gorgeous boy with a contagious laugh that radiated sunshine and rainbows, the boy with a heart as big as his odd yet endearingly large appetite, the boy who confessed to him first only to have Youngjae turn him down, Youngjae couldn't hold his dark side back.

It always got like this when his emotions became looser, he would slip up and one bad night of arguing through his dimly lit phone screen until tears blurred his vision would ruin his relationship with whomever had been unlucky enough to associate themselves with him. Before, he'd thought he'd broken, thought he'd never be able to do it again, but when Himchan left his life he tried again. When Junhong left his life he thought that was the end of it, that he wasn't meant to have close friends, let alone a boyfriend. And then when Daehyun entered his life he had been stupid enough to try yet again, selfishly throwing his train wreck emotions onto the older and ruining his life.

Youngjae was sobbing by now, pitifully shrinking in on himself as he sat at the edge of his couch, letting himself sink into the cushions until they supported this foreignly weak body of his. He hated feeling weak, hated feeling sorry for himself when it was his fault his friends had suffered through his ing and . How dare he, when he was the cause of all this? Why couldn't he just it up and be cheery like everyone else, be the happy friend that got excited to meet up rather than nervous. Be the person to shoulder other people’s sorrows instead of burden them with his own.

He really was just a waste of space. Always failing to into other people's lives as a positive source of energy. He wanted to help people, he really did, but he just couldn't when he barely knew how to help himself.

He sat there, pitifully crying to himself as tears clogged his lashes until he was tired of it all, tired of the pain he felt and he was sure others felt because of him. So he fell asleep; that had been and always will be, he figured, the best way to escape it all until the next day when it would begin again.

He was too far gone to register the soft text tones from his phone on the coffee table.

*    *    *    *    *

Youngjae woke feeling like . His eyes were crusted from all of the dried tears, his throat was sore as hell, and the suffocating pain in his chest hadn't gone away. Reluctantly he rose from the couch to grab himself a glass of water, quickly gulping it down as he was parched from his various bouts of crying. He checked the clock on his stove, furrowing his brows when it read 10:40pm. That meant he'd only been asleep for two hours, that couldn't be right. Sighing he brought his water glass back to the couch, spotting his abandoned phone on the mahogany wood of the coffee table.

Should he even look? He was loathe to admit that he really wanted to see if Daehyun had gotten back to him, even though he had planned to ignore him for the rest of the day-- or night. Youngjae knew that wasn't fair to the older, that would honestly just be making everything worse, but he needed time to screw his head back on straight; he was no use to anybody in the state he was now. He'd just lash out again and nothing would improve.

Cursing under his breath he finally gave in, pressing his thumb to the home button and barely seeing a wall of texts before his phone opened to the home screen. A little red bubble with the number 23 in it hung above his text app and he hated the excitement that surged through him. He really, really wanted to see who it was, and if it was actually Daehyun, what he’d said.

He hopes he was furious with him, hoped he finally realized that Youngjae was a menace and that he should cut all ties with him. Yeah, that would hurt like hell, but at least Daehyun would be saving himself from this madness.

Hesitantly Youngjae’s finger hovered over the app until he shut his eyes and pressed it.

Opening his eyes another wave of excitement - or was it anxiety? - flooded through him. Yup, all 23 from Jung Daehyun, some short and some at least 5 texts’ worth of words. Knowing he'd want to respond he only let himself skim through the words, frustration prickling within him as he saw that no, Daehyun was being a stubborn and a masochist because he wanted to stay in touch with Youngjae. Was he stupid?!

Youngjae almost growled as he opened his keyboard, ready to respond with something scathing before freezing at the last text sent. It felt like someone had dunked him in ice water as he read.

screw this, Jae. I'm coming over

And it was sent more than 15 minutes ago. And Daehyun was only a 20 minute drive away. And that meant he'd be here any moment now, unless traffic was ty. And Youngjae started panicking, trying to decide whether to text him or call him back and say no! No he didn't want him to come; the only thing worse than being emotionally abused through the phone was being emotionally abused in person, right to your face. He'd spilled his guts trying to keep Daehyun away, trying to save him from having to deal with his terrible attitude but what was the older doing? Coming to Youngjae, and--

Youngjae froze when there was a knock on his door. He honestly considered just pretending he wasn't home. Yeah, that was a good idea.

So he sat in his couch in silence, not daring to move until he felt his phone vibrate in his sweaty palm.

stop pretending to not be home.

Youngjae scoffed and shot back a quick and how the do you know I’m home?

your shoes are in the hallway.

. He clenched his hands, fuming from his spot on the comfy couch that had nursed his tears away into blissful sleep two hours ago. Why couldn't Daehyun just leave and let him fall back asleep into dreamland where his depression couldn't hurt anybody? Daehyun would be doing himself a favor, just giving up now and leaving to find better, more cheerful friends.

Another much rougher knock sounded against his door. “Open the damn door, Youngjae.” He sounded pissed and the younger flinched at the anger in his voice. Well...this was good, right? It was just what he'd wanted.

He shoved himself off the couch and cracked the door open just enough for him to glare through the niche. “What do you want?” he hissed at the older who returned his glare. “Go the home, Daehyun. Obviously being here isn't doing you any good.”

Just as he was about to slam the door in Daehyun’s face it was pushed open and, to Youngjae’s dismay and rising anger, the boy barged straight into his apartment.

Youngjae stared incredulously. “...hey , who's place is this?! Get out!”

“You mean just like you want me to get out of your life?” Daehyun snarled back.

“Yes, exactly like that. Glad you're smarter than I thought you were. You might just exceed my expectations if you leave right now.” Youngjae gestured to the door with a jab. “Feel free to escape anytime. The sooner the better.”

“What is your ing problem, Youngjae? Do you actually think you're so bad that I can't handle you? Really? You're acting like a child.”

“Yes and clearly you would rather hang out with people your age so all the more reason to leave.” Youngjae almost lost it when Daehyun plopped down on his spot on the couch, arms crossed.

“No.” he said matter of factly, squaring his jaw and daring the younger to say otherwise.

Oh he'd say otherwise. “Now you're being a ing child.”

“Good now maybe we can see eye to eye.”

Youngjae laughed without humor, a short bark that sliced through the incredible tension in the air. “See? This is what I mean. Why would you reduce yourself to a child just to figure me out, huh?! What's the point!” He was almost yelling at this stage. “Why degrade yourself for my sake, !” He threw his hands up. “It's not worth it, Daehyun!”

“And why do you think you have the right to say that?”

“Because I'm me! And I know whether I'm worth it or not!” The older opened his mouth to speak and Youngjae held up a finger, stopping him. “Don't even try, Jung. I told you, over and over again, nobody can help me when I get like this. It's pointless, do yourself a favor and just get the out of this mess while you can.” When Daehyun said nothing he continued, pacing again. “See, this is basically just a continuation from last night. It never ends! Don't you see that? How am I supposed to believe you're okay with this!” He waved his arms frantically, trying desperately to help Daehyun see what he saw. “You shouldn't be okay with this! Don't you have any dignity in your body?”

“I don't care.”

“Masochist.”

“I'm not, Jae!”

“Then you're insane.”

“I'd be insane to give up on you.”

“No, you'd be smart. I thought you were smart, but I guess you're not smart. How disappointing.” He turned his back to Daehyun and heard the other sigh exasperatedly. “I'm serious. You can't get me out of this once I start. Everything you say just makes it worse.” Silence. “That's why I'm sure Himchan was relieved to leave for college and cut contact with me. He did the right thing.” More silence. “A-and Junhong! But I pushed him away that time even though he tried to hang onto me. Gave him a couple of days and then poof! Nothing. I'm sure he's happier now.”

Youngjae stood facing the wall, growing impatient with Daehyun’s lack of response. Each creeping second was excruciating. He wanted Daehyun to say something, anything to kill the silence. If he decided to leave then just say so, and if he refused then go for it; Youngjae could keep this up all night.

He jumped when he heard a slam from behind him, spinning to see Daehyun on his feet, eyes burning and hands balled into fists.

“Yoo ing Youngjae! You are an , the worst kind of person I've ever come into contact with. You've ruined my life and now I hate myself because of your stupid attitude problems. Are you ing happy now? Is this what you wanted? Congratulations, you're officially the worst friend ever.”

And Youngjae was shocked to feel tears streaming from his eyes as he started at Daehyun in fear. Like a slap to the face, the younger realized, no. No this wasn't what he wanted. He wanted the best for Daehyun and secretly the best for himself too. Was that so wrong? How can you love someone if you don't love yourself first? Was he an awful person for wanting to be good to himself, when he couldn't be good to others?

And he thought he couldn't be any more shocked until he felt Daehyun’s strong arms wrap around his quivering, conflicted self. It was like all of the pieces of Youngjae’s mind that had been fighting with each other melted together at that moment, forming just one emotion in him.

Sadness.

And he couldn't stop himself when he began to sob uncontrollably, trembling in the sturdy embrace that prevented him from breaking apart into a million tiny bits right then and there. He buried himself into Daehyun’s chest, pressing as close to the boy he loved so much and wanted to dearly to save because he loved him so much. He cried for Daehyun, he cried for Himchan and Junhong, and he cried from himself. He cried because he was an awful person who didn't deserve this comfort, this affection. He cried for the person that could be in Daehyun’s embrace instead of him, who could love Daehyun back without pain and bitterness mixed in.

He didn't realize Daehyun had gently led them to the couch until he felt the plush cushions sink underneath him, both the furniture and Daehyun embracing him now.

It took what felt like forever until Youngjae stopped crying, feeling emptier than he ever had before. Was this awful? He couldn't tell, he didn't feel anything. Nothing besides Daehyun’s soft lips against his hair as he came down from his fit. He let himself give in to the gentle rubs on his back, the kisses on his head and the steady beat of the older’s heart.

“So that's what it took, huh, Jae?” Youngjae would've thought those words, saturated with compassion and love and with a hint of a chuckle, weren't meant for him if his name wasn't attached at the end. He looked into Daehyun’s amber eyes in confusion.

“What what took…?” His own brown orbs widened upon feeling the older’s plush lips against his forehead this time where they lingered, ghosting over the skin as Daehyun murmured.

“What it took for you to empty yourself of all that negative energy.” He pulled back. “I didn't want to say all those things to you, I promise. But I...well, sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire, I guess.” He scratched the back of his head sheepishly, a blush dusting over his bronze skin.

Youngjae felt realization wash over him, feeling guilt start to trickle in. “Daehyun…”

“Look Jae. Yes you get depressed, yes you can be irrational, but nothing would make me happier than being able to be the one to help you overcome it.”

Youngjae felt something flutter deep in the void that their argument had left him in. Something was filling the emptiness and he liked the feeling, even though it terrified him. He forced himself to look away from Daehyun, worried the warmth that was slowly spreading through his body would be replaced by his usual darkness if he allowed himself to fall any deeper into the older’s soft gaze. He tried to push away, tried one last time to save Daehyun only to slip and fall right back against Daehyun’s sturdy chest. He couldn't move. His conscience was holding him still, and he finally decided that...yeah, maybe it's time to let himself be saved for once. Maybe.

“I don't want to hurt you anymore, Daehyun.”

“Why?”

Youngjae took a deep breath, asking himself if he was allowed to say it. “...because I love you. There, I said it.” He blushed, a bit overwhelmed at finally letting himself admit out loud his feelings, and to the person he had feelings for. He covered his burning face with his palms, hiding for only a few moments before tan fingers pulled them away and intertwined their hands. He looked up shyly.

Daehyun was beaming at him, a smile so genuine that Youngjae couldn't help but break into a small smile himself. “And you've just made me happier than ever, Jae.” The older pulled the puffy-eyed boy into a tighter embrace this time and Youngjae took another deep breath, this one filled with comfort rather than dread. Soft tears, not sharp and agonized like before, rolled down Youngjae’s cheeks as he felt the suffocating cloud of pain and stress and guilt and sorrow and anger and regret dissipate into nothingness and he felt free. He released a shaky sigh and wrapped his arms around Daehyun’s neck, tangling his fingers in the boy’s shirt. He whispered “...If I let you love me, will I love myself?” Daehyun shifted and pulled back until their faces were only inches from each other’s. Youngjae could feel Daehyun’s breath tickle his lips when he whispered back a liberating “Yes.”

And Daehyun kissed him, molding their lips together with so much passion and hunger that Youngjae swore the older was his soulmate. This was how it should be. It felt so right, like Daehyun was the missing chip of his heart that he'd given up looking for, that he thought was pointless to look for.

It's not pointless.

He started to believe he was worth it.

“You’re worth it, Youngjae.”

It was okay to be saved, if it was by Daehyun.