I was never really the type of person to let something go to waste. So the moment my roommate Seungwan had to cancel her trip to Daegu I immediately told her that I’ll buy the train ticket from her. Although knowing Seungwan, her Canadian upbringing never left her even when she moved here in Seoul, she just gave me the ticket free of charge. Lucky me for having her as my roommate but of course she had to ask me to bring something back from my trip.

“So why did you suddenly decide to go to Daegu?” Seungwan asks me as she folds one of her shirts.

“You know me, wouldn’t want to waste that ticket you paid good money for,” I replied lazily. I’m sure by now Seungwan knows me to well to even ask the question. Although her tone suggests that she wanted me to say something else.

“No other reasons?” Seungwan asks me as she wriggles her eyebrows teasingly.

“No Seungwan, stop teasing me and just help me organize the things I’ll bring.”

Seungwan seemed to understand that I really didn’t have any other reason other than my not-letting-something-go-to-waste nature kicking in.

It didn’t take long for us to organize the things I’ll bring for my trip since it was practically two days and one night trip. It didn’t require me to pack a lot. Considering that Seungwan had already planned out the places and must-dos in Daegu I didn’t bother researching further as it took so much work to research and organize. I trusted Seungwan’s planning skills after all.

Dinner time followed soon after and Seungwan and I decided to just eat out so that I could go to sleep early. We both knew that if we tried to cook we’ll both create a mess and that will take time to clean up. We decided to eat at the usual restaurant near our place.

“Good luck tomorrow Seul,” Seungwan says as she munches the food on her spoon.

“Why the sudden good luck?” I asked Seungwan confusedly. The question was all of a sudden considering that we were literally just talking about pork the last minute.

“You know, let’s all face the truth Kang Seulgi, you’re dumb,” Seungwan said teasingly and I couldn’t help myself from throwing a piece of garlic at her direction.

“Yeah right Seungwan, you’ll see,” I replied nonchalantly.

“No for real, good luck Seul. I know even if you don’t tell me.”

I felt Seungwan’s hands on mine. She was comforting me. Maybe this was the downside of having your best friend as your roommate. They know you too well that even when you try your best at lying they’ll always see past through them.

“Wan, I…. I want to try….maybe I’ll be able to face it after all this time.”

“I know Seul, it’s stupid but I understand.  For reals, good luck Seul.”

I just hope Seungwan’s good lucks will serve its purpose.

-----

I didn’t have time to say my farewells to Seungwan. It was still early and her room was still locked, she probably is still sleeping. I just left her a text telling her that I was on my way to the station already.

The best thing about leaving during the midnight is that the breeze was just right; not too cold but rather just enough to relax my senses. Even though last night Seungwan and I decided to eat out so I can get sleep, I still wasn’t able to bring myself to drift away from the harsh reality of the world even for a while.

You were still on my mind. Pestering me even I tried so hard to repress my memories of you. You still linger in the deepest part of my brain and in the farthest parts of my heart. You were the part of me that I never asked for yet somehow you managed to stick to me like a parasite. up every last bit of me until I’m too weak to even stand.

Yet still, I find myself chasing after you hoping that things will turn out differently for us. Hoping for some sort of explanation about what happened. Everyone thinks I’m stupid. Seungwan highly opposed this idea and kept telling me to stop torturing myself. But I just couldn’t stop right? It was you after all. When it comes to you I turn off every alarm in my body and break every wall that I built.

I also think I’m stupid for doing this. But I was willing to put down every last bit of pride I have if it means seeing you again.

I’m supposed to hate you right?

But why can’t I do it?

My thoughts were interrupted when the taxi driver stopped in front of the station. I quickly pulled out my earphones which was somehow the reason for all the memories of you to come back. The songs on the playlist you made for me are still the songs I listen to despite the new songs being released every day. Sometimes I wonder why I like hurting myself too much. Maybe hurting is something oddly good to feel.

The taxi ride was quick since traffic was still non-existent considering the time. I hurriedly exited the taxi after I paid the driver since he was probably waiting for a long time because I got really distracted by the sudden flood of memories. The sky was still dark but the shiny stars were barely seen. This was the city after all, what was I expecting? Hopefully, when I get to Daegu I’ll be able to see those bright stars that I’ve always wanted to see.

-------

I think I might’ve outdone myself for being so early. I wasn’t the type to actually be early but now for some reason, I was the first one for my train’s time slot. I carefully looked at the ticket again and I might have not really outdone myself since I misread the information written there. The train doesn’t arrive for another hour.

But waiting for the train proved more convenient for me as I felt my stomach growl. I must really be pre-occupied by a lot of thoughts for me to forget eating. Luckily there was a nearby café and I was able to at least grab a cup of coffee. I decided to stay in the café while I wait for my train to arrive. The atmosphere inside was enough to relieve the clouds that had filled my mind. Finally, I was somehow ready for the long ride to Daegu. Maybe, I am finally ready to do the things that needed to be done.

The familiar sound of that of the train became closer and closer. It was five minutes early for today. There were some people that are already at the station platform with me but not as many as I can recall from all my other train rides experiences. Maybe it was still early but mostly maybe because it wasn’t the holidays. Considering that the holidays were just over people are back to their busy lives in the city.

The loud sound of the arriving train overpowered the song playing through my earphones. I stood up from the bench I was sitting on making sure that I don’t forget to grab the paper bag of some snacks I had bought earlier, it was a long trip after all.

The familiar sound of the train doors opening sent chills to my spine. I wasn’t really sure why but maybe it was the realization that I’m actually going to do this. That I was finally boarding what could be the most important train ride of my life.

Looking for my seat was relatively easy since there were still few people. I was near the windows which was perfect since I really wanted to enjoy the scenery. I just hope that not sleeping would not take its toll on me now. Thankfully I bought coffee earlier, hopefully, that’s enough to cover me for my whole ride to Daegu.

My phone vibrated the moment I had placed my backpack on the compartment. I checked my pockets to see who had texted me and it was Seungwan. It was still early so I was a bit shocked to see that Seungwan had texted me back considering that the sun was barely out.

[Seungwan; 5:55 am] Take care Seul. I know I might’ve said that this wasn’t the best idea but I hope you do whatever makes you happy.

ps. I should’ve ripped that ticket in pieces kkkkk~

I smiled upon reading Seungwan’s text. She was always the first person telling me that I do stupid things. I follow her advice most of the time but not now. I’m glad she understands. Having your best friend as your roommate may not be as bad as I thought. Because even though she was completely aware that this wasn’t the best idea she’s still there to support me. She’s still trusting my stupid ideas because for me doing this will make me happy. I just hope that for once, my instincts don’t prove me wrong.

[xxx; 5:57 am] Thanks Wannie~ I’ll bring something back for you.

I looked out the window and saw there weren’t really that many people traveling at this point of the year. There were barely any people on the train and it was time to leave in a few minutes. I plugged in my earphones once more to wait out the remaining minutes before the train departs.

There it is again, the familiar rhythm of your favorite song. I was unknown to the fact that I was already closing my eyes, taking myself back to the moments when everything was fine. When everything wasn’t out of hand. When we were happy just singing our lungs out to songs that were way too cheesy for both our standards.

The heavens know what I would give to do those things with you again. God knows how much I missed how we used to be.

I really didn’t want to get all sentimental on the train, if anything, I really just wanted to appreciate the scenery outside. But unfortunately, I wasn’t completely aware that the train had started moving already. Although I realized that the first few minutes, maybe hours, of the train ride, would be passing by landscapes that are already printed on my brain. I decided to let the music drown away my thoughts and let the soft notes lull me to sleep.

Hopefully, I could wake up to at least appreciate the beautiful scenery behind the concrete jungle that I was accustomed to.

------

I almost jumped out of my seat the moment an upbeat song played. I was on shuffle all along so that was bound to happen anytime soon. The sun was already out when I peeked outside the windows. I blinked quite a few time letting my eyes adjust to the sunlight coming in the window. It was a great day.

I drew the curtains a little bit because even if the sun was something I loved I wouldn’t want to blind myself too.  There was still enough space for me to see the view outside. I quickly removed my earphones to let myself appreciate the train ride more. The music wasn’t helping because it was only making me sleep, I wanted to enjoy this four-hour train ride at least.

“Is this seat taken?”

I was currently reading some random flyer placed on one of the train seats when I heard a voice call out. I turned to my side to see that it was a lady wearing a mask and a cap that was covering her eyes. Somehow I doubted her intentions since there were a lot of available seats. But then again, I wouldn’t want to be assume anything bad. I didn't know the person after all.

“No, go ahead,” I replied with a smile. I wanted to seem nice at least as Seungwan always told me I look like I was going to kill someone when I had just woken up.

“Thanks,” the lady replies as she took the seat in front of me. She takes off her cap and it revealed her brown locks that were pushed inside, it cascaded down until her shoulder, “my seat was kind of broken and I looked over here and saw the empty seat by the window so thanks again,” she continues as she now takes off her mask. She’s beautiful.

I haven’t had the chance to reply verbally so I just reassured with a nod. I saw her plug in her earphones as she looked outside the windows. The sunlight reflecting on her face made her even beautiful than she is. She was almost glowing.

I looked out the window as well. Plugging in my earphones to distract myself from thinking any further. I chose a more upbeat playlist this time. I didn’t want to flood my mind with you.

But no amount of music can block the memories of you from coming back. No matter how happy the lyrics were it only made me remember the times when we were happy.

All I can remember were the times that you smiled at me like I meant the world to you. The times you smiled at me like I made the skies and the stars like I can move mountains. The way your eyes that seemed to always shine whenever you look at me. 

Those were the times, right? Those were the times when we were just happy?

But maybe that’s just me?

Was it all just one big façade?

Were you even happy at all?

-----

The landscapes were starting to change. The buildings were now being slowly replaced by the green trees. When was the last time I got to see these many trees? I felt smiling upon seeing those trees but then even in the smallest things you still find ways to haunt me don’t you?

I quickly brushed off the thought. I didn’t want to think of you now. I had to stop myself.

Weirdly, I found myself facing the girl in front of me; the stranger. She wasn’t doing anything special, just leaning against the window listening to whatever song was playing from her phone. Same as me, nothing special, she’s a stranger– a beautiful stranger.

I noticed that the sound coming from my earphones stopped. I looked at my phone which was in my pockets and realized that my battery had already died. I might be really stupid to forget that I wasn’t able to fully charge my phone before I went out and now I used all my battery listening to music that did nothing but make me feel worse.  My friends were right about me being dumb.

Luckily enough that Seungwan gifted me with a power bank and I was able to bring it. I quickly grabbed the smaller bag beside me to get my power bank and charge my phone. I wouldn’t want Seungwan worrying, she usually texts or calls a lot especially now that I’m out. And especially now when she knows something’s up.

I looked out the windows again to distract myself from thinking. Thinking was never good for me, especially when I think of you. I might’ve completely spent most of the train ride just being sentimental with music playing in the background and thinking about the past. That was completely far from what I had in mind. But what the hell, I was going to do something that involves you anyway. I can’t blame myself for doing those things. Then, I remembered that this trip isn’t just supposed to be about you.

I remembered telling myself that if anything goes wrong, I wanted to forget you. I told myself this would be the last time. But more than the idea itself, I hope I could bring myself closer to really doing it. I know I’m failing so badly right now.

The looking-out-of-the-window scheme isn’t working well for me now. Seeing trees had become boring since it’s practically all I see for the past half hour. I wanted to see the green sceneries but my attention span proved me otherwise, I needed something else to do. I mentally cursed myself for not charging my phone all the way when I left. Now I’m left to do with nothing. And knowing myself, doing nothing has become the equivalent of thinking about you.

Then again, crazily enough I looked at the stranger in front of me.  The stranger who was still listening to the song playing through her earphones. Still looking outside like her neck was so accustomed to being tilted like that for a long time.

But this time, maybe I was staring for too long because she caught me. I quickly retracted my gaze and looked out the window. I was restraining myself to look at her direction again. I should stop. She’s just a stranger.

But I know myself too much. When did I ever stop even though I know it’s stupid? When was there a time that I actually followed what I told myself?

Never.

None.

Through my peripheral I was her look at me too. I saw her smile for a while.

I shouldn’t be doing this she’s a stranger. I shouldn’t think too much.

------

Another hour passed and I could already feel the weight of this trip take over me. I heard my stomach growl again. Come to think of it I haven’t really had a proper meal this day. Good thing that I remembered to buy snacks earlier.

This is good. Eating would at least take my mind off things. It has always been one of the things that made me feel relaxed.

As I was grabbing the paper bag next to me I noticed that the girl in front of me stood up. Although I wasn’t completely looking at her I saw her coming towards me. There wasn’t much space between the two seats anyway so I could clearly see what she was doing if I was to face her direction.

I felt her tap my shoulder and as I looked up I saw a smile plastered on her face, “Could you watch my things for a while, I’m just going to the bathroom.”

There wasn’t really much of a choice presented to me. I wouldn’t want to seem rude so I agreed yet again with a nod. Her smile grew bigger when she saw me nod.

I shouldn’t think about it. It was just a smile out of courtesy. Nothing more. She was just a stranger asking a favor. Nothing more.

“Thanks.”

Brushing off thoughts was something that I really never mastered. Because her smile somehow lingered in my brain. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it. I try to brush off my thoughts even further by trying to fill up my empty stomach.

Somehow it was working.

I heard footsteps approaching my seat. I looked up and saw that she was already back. She was right in front of me again.

“Thank you,” she says politely. Still with that bright smile on her face.

At times I really want to smack my head for being too damn oblivious. I nodded my head once