カタオモイ

Kataomoi

 

One-sided Love

 

 

“Just like a fallen snow in the midst of midsummer.

That’s merely an ephemeral miracle.”

 

The breeze of the night was blowing. He kept running in fear while looking back at the figure that was catching up to him. He was panting, the sound of his heartbeat was caught by his eardrums. It was a dark and cold alley, the light only came from the crowded street and though it was noisy there, his own breath as well as the footsteps behind him echoed in his ears. He saw many people throng with their yukatas in one direction, they were laughing and smiling happily so contrary to his condition. But the boy didn’t care – he had understood long before, his world rotated on its own axis; completely different with other people. He kicked a dustbin near him and it bumped the person behind him, slowing him down. He could hear him cursing before running toward him again. His step met with other people’s steps who were passing by but the other parties only took a glimpse of him before walking away as they didn’t want to meddle in someone’s business. The boy also didn’t want to ask for help either – he didn’t believe in the word humanity because he knew how many times he screamed until his voice cracked or even lost, no one would help him anyway. He couldn’t bear to run anymore, the wound in his right barefoot opened wider than before, and the blood left a trace on the ground. He was badly hurt and his body was covered by scab and bruise. Damn, a dead end. The boy gasped, he ran out of breath and he had nowhere to go.

 

“You son of a ! How dare you run away from me!” the figure of a man holding a stick made of steel was coming closer. He gripped his fists as he was ready to fight though he knew his chance to win was like zero percentage.

 

“If you apologize now, I will forget what happened today.” The boy gritted his teeth. He didn’t want to be imprisoned again, he didn’t want to live by offering his body around. He was nauseated to get money by giving his to those flirty old men or to do a for everyone who asked. He was tired to be sold by his own father. He wanted to be free, to live in a normal way.

 

“Like hell, I will!” the angry face was shown clearly on the older man’s face. He raised the stick and swung it in the boy’s direction, but he dodged it then he used that chance to kick his abdomen. The older man groaned and the boy was trying to run in the opposite direction but it was too late. His collar was gripped as he struggled a lot, but it was useless.  

 

“I should have never allowed you to wander around during noon you bastard! There’s nothing good coming from you except your body! You should be glad with your father, I have been taking care of you until now!” the man who addressed him as his father was strangling his neck, then he threw his body away and it hit the wall. He smirked as he felt pain sting his body. The father strangled his neck again, this time was tighter than before. He was suffocating.

 

“So, it is true! If the mother is a , the kid will be a as well!” the boy glanced fiercely. He spat in his face. It was true, his mother was a famous e in the red-light district. She was sold by her parents since a young age. She had a good personality and everyone liked her, her only wish was to have a normal life like the others. So, she was happy when his father ransomed her from the brothel. She thought, she would have a normal life like what she had imagined. But his father was a bastard who liked gambling and playing around, he was only after her beauty and in the end he also sold her to make more money to pay his loans. They – both he and his mother were battered by his father, but his mother always protected him. She was nice to him and she loved him so much. But in the end, her kindness also had a limit, she chose to hang herself three years ago, when he was only seven years old. After that, he was sold by his father as a substitute for the dead wife, but the boy never blamed his mother’s death because he knew that day would definitely come. He knew that his life was a misery so he chose to shut his heart, to sink it into the deepest despair, to never wish nor hope for any happiness so he wouldn’t be upset with the truth that came. He only wanted to have a normal life – nothing else.

 

“You er!” the father was hitting him continuously, but he didn’t react, he had no strength anymore to struggle. He could feel the blood flowing from his head down as his vision became blurred. The summer night sky was so clear, the constellation could be seen expanding beautifully in his eyes, but he didn’t care about the beauty this world had. His life was too tainted that he couldn’t see a simple magnificence around him.

 

A sharp of metal pierced into his left thigh, his body was trembling as the dagger went deep into his skin. It was hurt yet he didn’t make a sound, he bit his lower lip until he could taste blood in his mouth – enduring the pain his body felt. He looked up at the sky; the luminescent shards stained the ultramarine sky as he tried to control his weak breath, the tears were flowing from the edge of his eyes. So, today is the firework festival. His body went numb as the other man was still hitting him with no intention to stop and the dagger stuck in his thigh. Everything went blurred as his consciousness went fader and fader. The sound of a revolver was suddenly heard mixed with the cacophony of the firework as the other man who was hitting him fall backward and he discerned the silhouette of a tall guy holding a revolver against the street lamp.

 

He didn’t understand what happened after that.

.

.

.

And you put a light into my sombre life.

Yet it’s igniting me.

 

The world kept on turning upside and down. There was no stagnation in life, it always moved on – blowing like the wind and flowing like the water. The boy who was on the verge of dying never knew or even imagined that his life would turn into 180֯, it changed in a way beyond his wildest imagination. He didn’t know the word of miracle was something real, that God really existed in his life. Twenty years had passed since that night. His father died at the hand of a stranger that suddenly appeared, a stranger that gave him a light in his dark life.

 

“Ya! What are you thinking of?” a man waved his hand in front of his face, but the grown-up boy didn’t respond, his mind was busy wandering around.

 

“Woonie-chan!” he was startled because of the other person flicked on his forehead.

 

“Ya! Kim Hee Chul!” Jong Woon flew a punch in Hee Chul’s direction, but he dodged it easily.

 

“You still need 1000 years to be able to punch me though,” Hee Chul laughed as he caught Jong Woon’s hand and twisted it. Then, he tried to kick him, but the older man repulsed it and he only let a “tch” voice, got annoyed.

 

There was a long silence, the leaves were rustling in the breeze. The sound of people talking echoed from down the stairs. They were sitting in front of an old shrine, watching people enjoy the festival. Another summer had come – another time had passed.

 

“What are you thinking anyway?” Hee Chul asked again, breaking the silence. His eyes lied on the figure beside him, someone who was seven years younger than him. That man had grown up so much in the past twenty years. The fragile little boy who used to be afraid of people had grown up and became a talented and well-known man that he was so proud to brag about.

 

“Nothing,” He answered, but Hee Chul knew, every time he had that kind of expression he must be thinking about the past. The past which had built a bridge that connected their lives. He was glad he could save Jong Woon, but since that time, one thing sure had been bothering him. Is it the right choice to take care of him under his family? Jong Woon wanted a normal life, yet he gave him, another not normal life. His family was famous for being one of the strongest Mafia organization and since his father decided to step out from the business, he became the new boss and Jong Woon was chosen as his right man.

 

“You should choose your own path, Jong Woon. You don’t need to follow me around.” Jong Woon didn’t answer. He was staring at the night blue sky, in which the burned flames sparkled in the form of stars.

 

“You are a famous and talented lawyer, you know that right? You don’t need to get involved with our family’s business anymore. It is not your duty.” He was still silent, Hee Chul sighed.

 

“You don’t need to repay for anything,” The older man murmured, but the words were easily being heard by the younger. Jong Woon turned his head and faced Hee Chul who was staring at the striped pattern on his yukata anxiously.

 

“I’m the one who chose this path and I’m not doing it to repay you or the old man. I know I can’t repay to the life both of you had given to me – I’m here, so I can at least help you, so I can make use the life that you offered to me.” Jong Woon knew he couldn’t repay for everything that Hee Chul and his father had given to him. Even if he gave away his life, it would not be enough. So, the only thing he could do was to stay, to stay with Hee Chul and become his shield.

 

Hee Chul gripped the edge of his yukata sleeve. You don’t need to do this all. You don’t owe me anything – it is you who gives me something in this life. Hee Chul used to be able to read Jong Woon like an open book. That man didn’t have any desire in his life, he knew that the will to help him fulfill his dream was the only thing that bound him in this world. If he took that away, the younger man didn’t have even a thing to keep him alive. Hee Chul knew, Jong Woon lived only for the sake of him. If he asked him to die, he would do it even without any hesitation. But it was not – he never wanted him to live his life like that. He used to understand everything in his simple mind – but it had been so long since that simple mind turned to be a twisted mind, so long he couldn’t even remember the last time Jong Woon showed his true expression. That man acted like there was nothing wrong, but he knew better than anyone – a never ending storm had been destroying him from inside. He was so fragile; not only before – he was still fragile.

 

“That time I was dead and you offered me a new life. I choose to live for you, it is my choice! And you can’t do anything without me, right? Who was the one bragging about changing this organization though? I will help you.” Jong Woon stood up as he ruffled the older man’s hair.

 

Hee Chul was chuckling. “I can’t believe you treat me like a kid.”

 

Jong Won smiled. He only had one goal in his life, helping Hee Chuul fulfill his dream. Hee Chul’s dream was a very simple one, but it gave him so much thorns and pain, if it weren’t him who helped him that man would lose his feet and hands before reaching his own goal. Hee Chul tended to deal with everything by himself. He didn’t like to put the others in danger so Jong Woon was always there, to reach his hands out.

 

Hee Chul wanted to be free from the mafia network. To turn the company that had been passed from generations to a normal one. So, the future wouldn’t put their family in danger.

 

The future that Jong Woon knew he wouldn’t be there.

 

Even though he desperately wanted to.

 

Jong Woon didn’t have anything in life, the darkness from the past had eaten everything that he had even before he claimed to own it. He had nothing except the rotten and tainted sins that were crawling in his whole body and wouldn’t disappear though he sliced his skin or washed his blood until it dried – nothing would change, the stains imprinted forever.

 

His hope was only to live a normal life and Hee Chul gave it to him yet that man also gave him something he never dared to wish.

 

Happiness.

 

It all started with a murder. If it wasn’t for it, their destiny would not cross each other or was it the inevitable one? Hence, the red string that bound between them would be last though they tried to cut the strand out until they were covered with scars and blood. It was futile.

 

They were destined to meet so one of them would fall in love.

 

Only one and it was Jong Woon.

 

He thought he didn’t have a heart, but once he realized he had one – everything broke into pieces. He had a heart and he used it to love him. He loved him; so much that his heart felt nothing but pain. He loved him; so much that he was going to burst. He loved him; so much so every piece that had torn apart yearn for only one name. Kim Hee Chul.

 

“Woonie-chan!” Jong Woon woke up from his absent-mindedness as he felt something was clinging to his shirt.

 

“Hmm, Ryeo Wook?” an eight year old boy was staring at him suspiciously.

 

“Are you okay? You look pale.” Jong Woon shook his head as he bent his knees to make his height equal to the little boy.

 

“You should have slept instead of coming here, but that old man must have forced you to come.” Jong Woon chuckled while the boy was pointing his finger to Hee Chul.

 

“How can my own son is so kind to everyone, but not to his father. Comfort me, honey!” Hee Chul pretended to cry as he hugged the woman who was laughing beside him. The boy only sighed.

 

“This is for you. I heard from father you like it.” Ryeo Wook stretched out his right arm. Apple candy. He remembered one year after he was taken by Hee Chul’s family, they went to firework festival and Hee Chul bought him an apple candy. It was the first time for him to taste something like that, the sweetness that melted in his mouth made him cry while eating it.

 

“Thank you.” He patted Ryeo Wook and took the apple candy from the boy’s hand.

 

“You know Jong Woon. The festival was so amazing, there were so many food stalls, mother and I bought a lot. I also tried many games that I have only seen in manga. There was an uncle who did a performance using fire, it was so amazing!” the boy was so enthusiastic while talking to Jong Woon about his new experiences. His eyes were sparkling and it stopped his heart beat for a second – the eyes that he got from Hee Chul. Jong Woon never hated Ryeo Wook he really treasured the kid. But there was time his heart ached when he saw him. The time when Ryeo Wook really resembled to Hee Chul. The time when he remembered the existence of his one-sided love.

 

Their family was so strict so they couldn’t wander around carelessly. It would bring danger if they went out as they wanted and lately it worsened since the changing within the organization brought many pros and contras. Many people decided to leave because they didn’t find something they sought within the organization, ther were also people who obediently follow what Hee Chul said, and also people who wanted to dethrone him. But it weren’t Hee Chul if he didn’t do things as he wanted, Ryeo Wook begged to see the firework festival and of course he couldn’t refuse his only son’s wish. Hee Chul was so cold on the outside, but in front of his family, he was so gentle. The gentleness he also showed to Jong Woon, the gentleness that killed him thousands times.

 

“Is it okay to stay here until this late?” Jong Woon asked.

 

“It is okay. There are you and Dong Hae with me.” they were watching the little boy play firework with his mother as the man named Dong Hae was standing near them while shouting “Be careful, young master!”

 

“You should have brought more people though, you know right there are so many rats lately.” Hee Chul smiled and patted Jong Woon’s head.

 

“Too many people will attract more attention and I believe in you more than thousands of bodyguards.” Jong Woon gripped his hands. He tried to control his heartbeat that went wild – and his gentleness killed him once again. He loved Hee Chul; he loved that man so much that he didn’t care about anything, only his existence.

 

Hee Chul grouped with his wife and son. A portrait of a happy family that he never had but he could feel the warmness within that small family. Jong Woon dared to trade his life for the sake of the togetherness they may have forever. Jong Woon loved him, but not in a selfish and naïve way that usually were written in books. Jong Woon loved him and he would give everything to protect his happiness. Jong Woon loved him, but he never wished to be looked back. He knew, love was not as simple as “I love you and you love me back” and he knew he wasn’t worth to be loved by him. People said the happiest thing in love was when someone returned back the feeling, but – it wasn’t completely true. His feeling was black and blue, but he never complained, for him whose happiness ranked as the top priority in his life. It sounded so bull, but it was true; and pure. He loved him so he hoped for his happiness only, not for himself. Because his feeling was an unrequited one – and it wouldn’t change even though this world collapsed so he hoped for him to be happy forever thus he would be happy with his one-sided love.

 

It hurt. He didn’t lie, he didn’t exaggerate it either. It terribly hurt, but he couldn’t do anything except to be patient. In his life that was full with darkness, Hee Chul gave him a light. Sometimes he hoped how he never ascertained the light that he had put in his life. The light that slowly had been burning his body with an uncertain feeling. How he hoped he could paint a blank ink in a single light – how he hoped he could be kept in the darkness and never saw the light. Because the light was so terrifying; it taught him to hope so he broke his heart first that a slight thought of hope wouldn’t appear again. The light was poisonous; it destroyed every synapse that was connecting neurons in his brain, it stained every drop of blood that was flowing through his veins, it crushed every function his body had. The light that named itself as love.

 

 “Woonie-chan, come here!” the woman in a cerulean yukata smiled as she waved her hand at him. Jong Woon nodded his head, he was walking toward them as he observed the brown haired woman. She was nice and kind, even though their marriage was set by their families, they got along well. Jong Woon could see the sincerity and honesty in those amber marbles, he knew, that woman would give Hee Chul the happiness he couldn’t offer.

 

The noise from the crowd was still heard, people were gathering in one direction because the main event was about to be ready – a firework display. Jong Woon took a glimpse of the crowd that was clearly seen from where he was standing as he saw two familiar men amongst the crowd. Hee Chul’s ex-subordinates, the ones that reinforced with their rival’s organization. He immediately ran toward where Hee Chul and the rest were sitting and took off a pistol from his back without a second thought.

 

“What happened?” The woman who saw the change on Jong Woon’s face asked. Hee Chul’s eyes were examining the situation, then he made an eye-contact with Jong Woon, the younger man nodded.

 

“Dong Hae, bring Nee-san and Ryeo Wook to the car and inform the household about this.” Jong Woon notified and before he finished his sentence the other man gave him a quick bob of his head. The sound of a gun was heard mingling with the blaring of the fireworks, Dong Hae shielded both the woman and the child automatically. The branch of a tree fell as a sign that the bullet cut it off.

 

“Dong Hae, hurry up!” Hee Chul cried. He took the revolver from his yukata. They have been tailed. He knew, they were after him. The thing that had been taught in his passed down organization was don’t involve innocent people. And Hee Chul believed, his ex-mafiosos would still hold that ideal. He was so naïve.

 

Jong Woon saw someone in the crowd, he was ready to fire the pistol, but the man was shielded amongst innocent people. But something was off, where was the other person? And the direction of the bullet earlier was not from there. Jong Woon’s eyes were wandering as he noticed someone’s location at the bridge of the river with the gun was already directed to Hee Chul. He pulled the trigger of his pistol, but it was too late – he desperately ran to Hee Chul then he brought the other man into his hug.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked, Hee Chul nodded as they heard the sound of the bullet hit the wooden door of the shrine.

 

“You sure are taller now.” Hee Chul teased, that man really had a bad taste of joking, Jong Woon hissed – almost pushed him away before he saw another bullet came from nowhere. He brought the older man’s body and hugged him tighter as he turned around their bodies. The bullet pierced directly into his skin, the blood was coursing down and staining his shirt. He pulled the trigger of his pistol and the bullet now hit the hidden man. Hee Chul’s eyes were scanning the surrounding – aiming for the enemy and firing his revolver. Not long after that, the backup came so both of them could retreat.

 

“I will make them pay for what they did today!” Hee Chul grumbled as he was walking from the entrance of his house to the living room – he was so pissed off. Yet he realized, something was definitely odd. It looked only like they came to play around – but he knew better that those men weren’t like that.

 

“Ya! Do you think it is weird?” he asked, but the other man didn’t answer, he was standing four steps behind him. Jong Woon bit his lower lip and blood could be seen covering his pink lips – it showed how long that man already did it, his face was full with sweats. He walked slower as he endured the pain, his vision became blurred as his consciousness diminished little by little. Hee Chul didn’t notice he got shot, that man would go berserk if he did.

 

“Nii-chan.” Hee Chul stopped his footstep. Nii-chan? It had been forever since he heard that words coming from Jong Woon. His heart skipped a bit, it rekindled so many things in his mind. He remembered the time when Jong Woon was so clingy to him, he was so much cuter back then. He thought he remembered now, that time when the younger stopped calling him ‘Nii-chan’ was the same time when he couldn’t understand what was in those eagle eyes. The time when Jong Woon hid his true feeling. Hee Chul turned around with a smiling face, but that smile faded as Jong Woon’s body fell as he ran and caught him into his hug.

 

“Ya! What’s wrong?” Hee Chul asked and he smelled the metallic scent of fresh blood coming from Jong Woon’s body. He touched the younger’s back and the shirt was saturated in blood.

 

“You are badly hurt! Holy fuc- Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” Hee Chul carried him in his arms while shouting help to his servants. Jong Woon’s body was shivering, his face was so pale, he was still biting his lower lip and Hee Chul knew, he is greatly in pain.

 

“Sorry… I’m…. sorry, Nii-… chan,” He mumbled. Hee Chul tightened his hug and he moved faster to bring Jong Woon to his room. Hee Chul gradually checked the pulse on the younger’s neck and wrist while waiting for the family doctor to come. Jong Woon’s pulse got weaker and weaker and it made his heartbeat went crazy, his whole body was so stiff. Those people weren’t after him, they were after Jong Woon. And he knew – something lethal was put on the bullet. Hee Chul threw a punch in the empty air, if something happened to Jong Woon – his mind went blank.

 

If they weren’t cruel, cold-hearted, psychopathic, insane, or even a crazy mind they wouldn’t be able to live as mafia. Jong Woon was strong and smart, his personality did really stand out, but he had one weakness – a single weakness that would make him dig his own grave, a simple weakness that would drown him into the deepest ocean. And that weakness was known as Kim Hee Chul.

 

In the world of mafia, once someone’s weakness was revealed, death would be the only thing that was going to be awaited. It didn’t matter how strong they were anymore, they would decay from the inside – the weakness ate everything and in the end, the only thing that left was a rotten body; they would die tragically.

 

Jong Woon’s weakness was Hee Chul, it was shown clearly. But in those eyes, the truth also couldn’t be hidden. The thing that was barely seen from the outside; the sparkles in his umbra eyes when he looked deep into those fierce eagle eyes, because Hee Chul’s weakness was also Jong Woon.

 

“Sorry.”

 

It all started with a murder – so they were together, and it ended with a murder – so they were parted.

 

The circle of life was always moving to and fro. The destiny that tied their bodies wouldn’t disappear even though this world came to an end. There would be always forever in the memory that was left behind, and if one body died – the feeling would be continuing to live, always. So it would fill the emptiness that left, so it would accompany the other party that lived, the feeling that would always stay so the other wouldn’t get lonely – but overwhelmed.

 

He was so frightened by the thought of being alone. He was so afraid to lose someone he held so dearly. He was scared with the hope that was rotten in his heart. He didn’t care what he had to lose, whatever he would face in the future, but losing him was something he couldn’t bear.

 

He couldn’t do anything to stop the destiny to move even when he tried to anchor it with his body staining in blood – he couldn’t. The destiny was the only reason they met and would be the only reason too, they separated.

 

They were destined to meet so one of them would fall in love.

 

They were destined to meet – so both of them would fall in love.

.

.

.

 

And I will continue to love you from six feet under.

 

You have changed; you said no, but I can tell.

You are suffering –from the feeling you call one-sided love.

I realized long before; in your eyes you portrayed me beautifully.

I pretend not to know; you may hate me or think that I hate you.

 

No. I don’t hate you but you can hate me.

I know you are broken apart; I am silently watching you suffer.

 

I give you nothing so you can live your life.

We wouldn’t have lived the way we live today;

If I had given you something.

 

I know; you are hurt.

So am I.

 

You are hurt bearing your one-sided love.

And I am hurt – dying to convey that it is not one-sided.

 

I don’t give you anything.

It is you who gives me something.

 

I love you.

 

Always.

 

It is so obvious, why are you so oblivious?

 

 

The End