Kihyun forced himself to stand up from his comfortable position on the bed, groaning at yet another upcoming tiring day waiting for him as soon as he step out of the house.

he opens the windows of his bedroom, and lets the cold breeze pass through his bare torso, feeling it sting. He looked up to see grey skies, ready to pour out whatever anger it has for the world "nice weather isnt it?" he mumbles to himself and sighs afterwards.

he proceeds to the bathroom, making sure to took a good look at his face first—to see the remains of last night's mess that he probably would regret upon remembering—and cant help but notice how puffy his whole face is, how bloodshot red his eyes are, and how he had an obvious fake smile on his face.

"looking good, kihyun" he snickers and washes his face, letting the freezing cold water hit his warm face before stripping off and let the water run for about five seconds before hopping in, letting the water wash off unwanted thoughts and memories.

once done and clean, he draped a towel on his waist, a smaller one on his shoulders, using it on his hair to fasten up the drying process then there he saw a small note that slip pass through his sight, on the nightstand, next to his dead cellphone.

he picked the note up with his damp fingers, biting his lip out of curiosity ;

rise and shine, my sunshine. wake up early this time so that you wont be late for today like yesterday or else you'll get a scolding from our head again. remember to smile and eat well throughout the day, i love you.

with wonho's cute handwriting making him smile and place the note back at the nightstand, careful not to dampen it further.

once dressed, he got downstairs and looked at the coffee table in front of the tv and saw another note stuck to a copy of one of their favorite movie;

let's watch this again later when you come home, i'll be waiting for you! dont stress yourself too much.

he chuckles and places the note back to where it was and made his way to their kitchen to look at the timetable they made to check if he can sneak wonho out for lunch but only to see that he's busy 'til 6 pm, working on his self-composed song on their small studio at the basement.

he picks up the whiteboard marker and writes a small goodluck on the board, hoping that wonho would see. he places the marker back and looked over at the dining table to see ready made food making him smile and sit down, enjoying the food that wonho cooked for him.

"he's learning, its hard to tell wether its my cooking or his" he points out, making sure to take in every flavor, savoring the moment to show appreciation for the food wonho prepared for him early in the morning. the thought itself is enough to make kihyun feel full (in love).

after finishing, he made sure to clean the dirty dishes from last night along with his', wanting to lessen up the work for wonho—who actually doesnt clean the dishes but hey maybe he might one day as a change of heart. he got his bag and slung it over his shoulder, got the car keys and fixed his jacket that'll protect him (well he hopes so) from the cold and harsh air outside

"Wonho! I'm leaving, see you later" he shouts, his voice echoes throughout the whole house. he made sure to lock the door and tuck the keys safely on his jacket's pocket, he pulled on it's sleeves, trying to warm himself as much as possible

"time to execute the plan" he mumbles to himself as he walked to where their car was parked, sighing—they didnt have a garage so they had to park it somewhere so it wont get towed—once settled in he unlocks his phone and contacts minhyuk

"what?" minhyuk answers the phone after five rings, disturbing him from his deep slumber "geez, goodmorning too" kihyun mumbles, setting his backpack on the passengers seat "so, about wonho's birthday"

the line went silent making kihyun confused, wondering if he accidentally ended the call "hello—" minhyuk cut him off "please stop."

"stop what minhyuk?" he scrunched his eyebrows as minhyuk sighed "you love him that much huh?" kihyun frowns at his reply

"ofcourse! I have been planning for the past three weeks, I dont want the time i've put to planning go to waste. besides I know I can make wonho smile by doing this. he must feel lonely and stressed out from work" minhyuk chuckled, kihyun wasnt sure if what he heard was of a disappointed one or of an amused one, nevertheless he wants minhyuk to fix himself up so that he could help him.

"hurry up, I hate waiting so wear decent clothes and douse yourself with perfume or something" kihyun muttered and ended the call—not waiting for minhyuk's reply—started the car, and drove to the apartment he shares with jooheon.

         "so where're we going?" minhyuk enters the car "the nearest mall" kihyun replies, getting the list on his pocket and handing it to minhyuk, eyes focused on the road.

minhyuk stared at his hand, hesitant to get the list, but hey, kihyun is his best friend and he wouldnt want to see him down so he took the list and inspected it carefully "let's stop this. we both know wonho–" he whispers

"what was that?" kihyun asked, glancing over minhyuk's side but minhyuk gives him a smile "I said, these items cost a lot, Im not lending you money."

"hey now, I know how much all of this cost and that amount doesnt even sum up to how much I love him—actually he deserves more than this"

"you cheeseball, shut up will you?" minhyuk grunts and rolls his eyes "so we'll cook these back at my apartment right?" he confirms to kihyun "yes. dont complain, we've already agreed that we're going to cook at your place" he says making the other scoff "you ing forced me you lil dip"

kihyun laughs, eyes forms to slits making minhyuk smile "its been a long time ever since ive seen you genuinely happy" he whispers, and thought kihyun didnt hear from the kihyun's own laughs but hell he did which made him uneasy so he decided to ignore and focused on finding a vacant spot to park on.

minhyuk unfastened his seatbelt and got his phone from the charging port, checking for new notifications then snaps a photo of the list "so lets split to make things easier"

kihyun ponders for a moment "yea sure, you have your phone right? I'll get the upper half you get the rest, understood?" minhyuk nods and follows kihyun on getting out of the car

once by the basket/cart area, kihyun reminds minhyuk of how he should be mindful of the price and quality of the products he'll buy and minhyuk made sure to remember every single detail—well atleast he tried.

kihyun hops happily (not literally) upon entering an aisle, not beacuse he likes doing grocery but because he's doing all of these for wonho infact, because of his enthusiastic behavior, he accidentally hit someone with the front of his cart.

he gave the man a panicked looked and right away bowed as an apology "i'm sorry, my bad" he says "ah, no thats okay" kihyun frowns and swallows the lump on his throat upon hearing the familiar voice. He lift his head up slowly to see the person he least expected to see at broad daylight

"Hi kihyun" the man says, flashing a friendly smile while holding two canned beers "hyunwoo" kihyun mumbles and scurried to escape from the awkward atmosphere but hyunwoo got a hold of his basket "in a hurry?"

kihyun glares, "obviously, now remove your dirty hands please?" hyunwoo raised an eyebrow "nice seeing you again too" he says making kihyun scoff "well it's not nice for me"

hyunwoo gives him a small smile and nods "I hope youre okay now and I hope—" before even letting hyunwoo finish whatever he has to say, kihyun pushed him slightly "I hope you rot in the police department" he whispered

"let's not be like this shall we?" hyunwoo raises an eyebrow "i'm sorry but thats inevitable" he starts to push the cart but hyunwoo stops him "your case in court regarding the—"

"listen here , I've already resolved that, It's finished, done, no more, so stop butting in someone else's life okay?" he half shouts then proceeded on finding the rest of the needed ingredients leaving hyunwoo alone.

he doesnt need anyone telling him what to do.

        "!" minhyuk shouts after breaking an egg accidentally for the nth making kihyun bite his lower lip in rage "minhyuk thats just an egg, plus the bowl is here, you ing put the eggs here! dont crack them by the sink just ing crack them—"

"but the eggshells might fall—" kihyun slams the knife down making minhyuk jolt from surprise "i'm sorry, understood" he follows up while kihyun tried to calm himself and just then his phone rang, which caught minhyuk off guard because hell it sounded much more like an alarm clock "whos that? also how many eggs–"

"shh!" kihyun shushed him and quickly took out his phone to answer it "wonho!" he enthusiastically says, while minhyuk on the other hand looked at him with one eyebrow raised, wondering the reason why wonho called him on the first place

"dinner? ah i'm sorry i cant, i have stuff to do the whole day—i'm sorry" kihyun's face fell, probably because he basically ditched wonho, well atleast thats what minhyuk thought "i love you" he says before hanging up

"whyd he call?" minhyuk asks as he (finally) successfully adds eggs to the batter for the cake they were making while kihyun continued on kneading the dough for the pizza "He wanted to eat out....now I feel bad, he must be so hungry so we should do this quickly and get it over with, because I'm hungry myself."

minhyuk hums in response "so who'll clean this afterwards?" kihyun freezes and turns to him slowly with an uneasy smile "y-you" minhyuk frowns and hits kihyun with the whisk he's using, batter all over it and on kihyun's hair "you midget, you better be—"

kihyun sighs "you know I cant, I have to bring this to—" minhyuk throws the tablecloth next to him "so start cleaning your workplace after youre done with that okay?" it sounded more of a command rather than a question and kihyun had no choice but to agree because he suddenly felt bad for using minhyuk's time and territory just to do this plan.

        "oh my god, we're done!" minhyuk says, wiping his hands, looking at the food infront of them, kihyun readying the tupperwares and necessary food protection so that the food wont be destroyed when he brings them home "finally!" he hugs minhyuk as a sign of thank you

minhyuk felt his heartbeat pick up its pace making him laugh nervously and pat kihyun's back "travel home safely, say happy birthday to wonho for me" he smiles before getting the freshly baked cookie and taking a bite on it then offers it to kihyun

"no thanks" he gathers the food "help me" then proceeds to the trunk of the car, and places the food, minhyuk following behind with the remaining food "wonho is so lucky to have you" minhyuk finishes the cookie

kihyun looks at him and gives him a small smile "and I'm lucky to have a friend like you" he closes the door of the trunk and leans on it so that he and minhyuk would be face to face "You do know that I'm always here for you, right?"

"I do" kihyun whispers and before he knew it, minhyuk was already hugging him and tears were falling down onto minhyuk's shoulders

"Kihyun, I'm so sorry" he cried harder upon hearing minhyuk's word "I truly am, but please be strong for me—him okay?" minhyuk caresses kihyun's hair as he nods "I will, thank you."

         
        kihyun places the car keys on the coffee table, the food minhyuk and him prepared on the kitchen then hurriedly goes to their workplace with a big smile plastered on his face, stumbling here and there, ready to show wonho what he and their friends prepared for him "I'm home!" he shouts.

lighter and plastic bag on his hand, he knocks on the door, sneaks in and turns the light on, getting the scented candles, replacing them with the old ones and lighting it up, placing it next to the photo of wonho before kneeling down.

"hi wonho" he gives a small smile, hoping that the man is in the same room as him "its been a month since youre gone, when will you come back?" he caresses the frame and wiped the glass with the cloth placed next to it to remove the dust.

kihyun smiles and sighs "happy birthday hoseok" he giggled "I miss you, how are you doing? is it nice there? comfy? like cotton candies?"

he sat comfortably and brought the photo closer "it should be or else i'm calling them for poor customer service" he laughs at his own remark but his expression and tears show otherwise

         blue and red flashes were crowding kihyuns eyesight, his mind cannot comprehend what was happening, why there were crying strangers in front of his house and why are people screaming and shouting at each other.

"excuse me sir?" kihyun was held back by a police officer who was showing his badge and ID straight to his face, sohn hyunwoo, it read.

"I own this house." he says, trying to sound confident but what came out was a small afraid squeak because he knows whats happening and he wasnt there to prevent it.

but kihyun pretends not to know.

he cleared his throat and now stood with authority "this is my house, whats happening?" hyunwoo stares at his face for a good solid five seconds before lighting up "ah youre the one in this photo?" he holds up a ziplock bag with their photo, taken right after wonho proposed to kihyun, to be his other half, to complete him, almost half of the photo painted with blood

he shoves him aside as he grabbed the bag and got the photo out "sir, you are not allowed—"

"shut up!" kihyun shouts, tears flowing down his cheeks down to the pavement and some to the photo, his lower lip quivering, his legs close to giving up on him. he felt like fainting.

he looked around, finding where the they'd brought wonho's body, stumbling, pushing people around, and the photo on his hand was starting to crumple from clenching his fists, heart pounding, sweat forming on his palms.

he made his way inside the house, opening every room "wonho!" he shouts, expecting to hear wonho's 'I'm here!' but no, nothing came "shin hoseok! you er where are you?!"

he almost faints once he reached their workplace upon seeing a bloody rope and a small puddle of blood on the floor, forensics everywhere, taking photos like isnt it obvious that he ing committed suicide?

"sir, you cant come–" someone approached kihyun making him angry because this is his house and that the person who died is his ing other half and these strangers keeps on restricting him "this is my house! my ing territory! the person that you found minutes ago was—no, is my ing husband—well soon to be, now stop holding me back!" kihyun now shouts in rage, clearly angry not at them but to himself.

"the body—" another one comes in and the mention of body snaps kihyun to reality and ran towards him, shaking him "WHERE IS IT?" he ing looked like a mess by now, tears falling down his eyes, sweat all over his body.

"oh uhm its at the back of the—" kihyun dashes out, no time wasting and started to search for a body bag and finally, he did.

minus the feeling of his heart dropping, stomach churning and vision slowly turning to black, he approached the body bag punching and fighting his way just to approach it and upon ping it, there he could confirm, that it is indeed the love of his life, shin hoseok, who committed suicide at a very cold evening at around 9 in the evening, a ring with the name "kihyun" engraved on it on his finger

kihyun bites his lower lip and hugged his corpse, crying "y-you see t-this hoseok?" he holds up the crumbled photo with wonho's blood "ofcourse you do, its pretty obvious that th-this is the las-st thing that you've t-thought about" he shivers, hiccuping here and there

he stares at the photo and out of habit, searches for wonho's heartbeat which made him cry even harder because he cant feel it anymore "whyd you leave me just like that hoseok?" he whispers.

kihyun kisses his cold temple and caresses the wounds on his arm and traced the rope marks on his neck "I lov–" he got cut off by the officers trying to separate him from wonho, pulling and grabbing him with all their might "what are you doing?!" he asks, frantically clinging onto wonho

"stop!" he shouts as they successfully drag him while the man, hyunwoo, handcuffs him "i'm sorry sir" he gives kihyun a sympathetic look, as if he's sorry, as if kihyun's an animal that should be caged for loving his owner too much to the point he hurt him and kihyun ing hates it.

how his nosy neighbors look, point and whisper at him as he got escorted by the bulky man to the police car, no more strength to resist "I'm so tired" he trails off "of all of this ing worthless piece of " hyunwoo slams the door close making kihyun jump a little bit "but arent we all" hyunwoo smiles from the slightly opened window and stood outside the car door.

Kihyun's eyes fell on the picture that was on his hand and what caught his attention was the scribbles on the back, so he started to read it, aware that it'll just bring him to tears.

—I'll come back. I always do. remember that. I love you, kihyun , so so much. you deserve the whole world, you deserve someone better than me. believe me kihyun, you're my whole world but i hope im not yours because im just a mere dust here in this world, useless. youre the light and im the wall blocking you to give light on others.

I know I gave my heart to you while yours' mine but from the beginning, I gave you every piece that I have and rejected everything you gave because I know I cant take care of it, thats why I took the risk and proposed to you. I hope you dont regret spending time with me because heck I ing loved every moment I spent with you. but I guess I took that proposal as me giving my whole world to you, my whole existence into that ring I gave.

please move on, please stay happy for me, please stay shining, please find someone who'll love you more than you love that person, someone who could make you feel like you're floating. find someone who will give you the feelings and/or emotions I failed to give.

I love you, Yoo Kihyun.—

Kihyun scrunches his face, trying not to cry because thats the best thing to do now, to be strong for him, for wonho.

He knows how wonho cries himself to sleep, his silent whispers of apologies every night, his loving kisses as if he's saying goodbye, he knows them all yet he hasnt done anything about it.

and oh god how kihyun regrets it. he ing regrets it so much.

        kihyun sighs at the recollection and takes the rings placed next to his photo—their ring. he smiles and slides one on his finger while the other held up to his face, inspecting it "I cant remember how it feels like to hug you anymore, how soft your lips are, how your mouth tastes like after a long day.

how your raw voice sounds that lures me to sleep, your fingers that never fail to find mine, your smile whenever I come home with your favorite food, how you look fresh out of the shower, how you look beneath me, panting, begging and accepting every inch of me.

maybe if I put in more effort of loving you, maybe if I made you feel more loved and important, maybe if I wasnt this ed up and sad, just ing maybe, then I wouldve saved you right? you wouldnt be right here infront of me as a ing photo, then this ring right here would have an owner.

maybe if you met someone else, you'd still be in this world, laughing, boasting how good you are, talking nonstop about your favorite movie, about how much you love your significant other and make them feel special.

maybe if you didnt meet me then you'd have a happy life. so I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being like this, for taking every ounce of happiness you have just to make me happy. I was insensitive and I think I still am.

and I hope that wherever you are right now, youre happy. I dont regret meeting you and I hope you dont too but I regret making a promise that I wont fulfill and that's spending my whole life with you, making you happy—complete.

I'm sorry.

I cant let go of you—us just yet but now I promise to be strong, for the both of us. I cant assure you that I'll find someone new because heck you were my everything hoseok, you were my whole world.

and I have to admit, when the time comes, the pain will be bearable, memories of us will be forgotten—like how you're slowly slipling out of my touch, how I forget all the small details I used to love—and I'll be letting go of the feelings we both shared.

so here's the last promise I'll ever make with you that I will ing keep; shin hoseok, I promise that I will wait for you. I will wait for you in the afterlife, second life, alternative universe, you name it. Because I believe in you, because you told me that you'll come back. so I will wait for you and welcome you with open arms, ready to embrace you, and to pepper you with kisses.

thank you, goodbye, I love you" Kihyun whisper the last words, tears uncontrollably falling down his face, he cant seem to stop hiccuping too.

he gets wonho's photo and clutches it close to his heart, hoping that wonho would hear how much his heart beats only for him and that he was afraid to forget about him.

but he knows deep inside that wonho wont come back—he cant. he knows he's gone in this world, banished, nowhere to be found.

but oh kihyun loved denying and pretending, so he pretended. he kept on pretending and pretending, denying and denying, saying, that wonho is still alive and, he'll come back home soon and that he'll give him the biggest hug.

kihyun hated it.

it hurts.

but thats how much he loves wonho.

and theres no way he'll stop hurting.

finally, when his tears came to a halt, he returned everything back to its place—the notes, the whiteboard, the photos and the ring as if they werent touched and tucked himself in bed, pretending that all of this didnt happen the next day like how he does everyday.

"goodnight shin hoseok, the love of my life, please come back."