Dear Mama,

It has been 2 years when cancer took you from us but everytime I close my eyes, I still see you in that hospital. I blame myself Ma for not doing anything when the doctors put you on those machine. When they cut you for the blood transfusion… transfusion that took them a whole day to give you after cutting you. I wished I had done something to stopped them.

Ma there was a tube in your mouth so you couldn’t say anything… it is only after they cut you that I realize, you didn’t want that. You have always been scared of being cut. Ma I’m sorry for not realizing it sooner. Ma… you must have been in so much pain with everything they put on you.

Ma, when they first told us you had cancer, I cried… we all did. Through that ordeal we keep telling you its going to be okay and yet get easily impatient when you start refusing to eat. You keep saying you can’t and we keep saying it’s a matter of will. Ma, I’m sorry for not seeing how much you were fighting the pain. I’m sorry for thinking that not trying at all. Ma, you must have been so scared… but none of us listen. We refuse to hear it… we thought if we keep believing, its all going to be okay.

Ma, how scared were you? How many time must have you cried in secret? How alone you must have felt in your fight.

I was worried with my own schedule… worried about the expense… worried about so many things but I was never really worried about you. I thought God will hear your prayer even if does not hear mine… you are the most kindest to a fault person I know that sometimes I hate you for letting others bully you. I took you for granted Ma. I hate myself now…  I continue to blame myself for letting you die… I will always hate God for taking you away from me.  But I really cannot blame God… beccause I’m naturally evil and I think that’s the reason why he took you, to punish me.

Ma, I know by now you wouold be telling me not to say those things because that the kind of person you are. You have so much faith… but look where it go you. I didn’t have faith but I believe in yours. Sometimes, I still pray… hoping that when I open my eyes, I can go back to that day when they told us you had cancer. I would have done things differently.

Ma’  after the funeral, it took a while for me to get your things sorted. I went through your cabinet Ma. And I was folding your clothes, why are your clothes hand-me down or in tatters or some promotional shirt? There were only 3 or 4 blouses that are still good to wear. Ma’ I am crying again…. Why didn’t I see it? How much you shortchange yourself to make sure we live like princesses. I looked at our pile of clothes that cannot fit into the cabinet and boxes of shoes piling on top of each other almost like a tower…  Ma’ why didn’t I see it? My selfishness. Ma’ I love you and I let you die horribly… don’t forgive me because I will never forgive myself.

Ma’ the blouse I gave you still look new… the bag I gave you is still wrap in the box. Ma’ why did you now use it. The facial cream on your drawer has expired Ma’, it still look unused. You must have to use it as little as possible to use it for a longer period of time even when we can just buy you a new one. Ma’ you could have just asked us. But you never really asked for anything. You are always thinking too much before spenind money on yourself. Ma’ I would not have mind.

Ma’ while folding your clothes I cried and cried and cried. The armpit of your blouse looked like it has been sewn a couple times. Ma’ you were always trying to keep us together but I still manage to be busy with nothing instead of talking to you. I’m sorry for pushing you aside when all you really wanted was to catch up, you even try to learn how to browse the web but I was too impatient to teach you. Ma’ I’m sorry…  if only I can turn back time to that moment I would have just talk you.

Ma’ I missed you. I missed how you laugh at my joke even if its not funny. I missed how much you nag because I have a bump on my forehead that I keep ignoring. I missed how you go in a panic because you think we are sick.

Ma’ I remembered when I was young I promise to work hard to make sure you live like a queen. The dream I built is with you and papa. But I forgot… now I remember… you are the most beautiful person in this world no matter how old you get. I love you Ma… I missed you… I will always missed you. I still hope that maybe this is a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I love you Ma. I’m sorry for everything I did’nt  do.

Ma’ I’m sorry… for not hearing your worries, for not seeing your fear, for ignoring your pain… and I mostly sorry because I wasn’t there.  Ma’ you are the light that makes me dream. Now, its just darkness and I live like a fool pretending to be whole.