Jongdae

That evening, Jongdae couldn't wait to get to his room. He was grateful that after their meeting this morning, the other members had been too involved with their own excitement and surprise that they hadn't noticed the dark cloud that loomed over his head. He walked over to his window and looked out at the night, and momentarily wondered what Mykiong was doing at that moment.

Stop it, he told himself.

But it was too late. His thoughts drifted to the letter she had written him a year before. He'd read it so many times, he knew the words by heart.

Jongdae,

I don't know how to start this letter. It has been so easy writing to the other members, but you're the most difficult for me, and I've quite honestly been procrastinating and putting off writing this. How do I let you know how much life your smile has breathed life into my days? How can words explain that I feel connected to you although we've never met? Am I crazy? Do I sound sane to you?

Every time I hear your voice in one of your tracks, my muscles tense, and I can't begin to tell you how beautiful your laugh sounds to me, just like the trickling music created by a river. Thinking back on how many times I've been sad, how many time's I've been depressed, and your voice was the only thing to pull me out of an ocean of tears... How can I ever repay you? A person who's as big as a speck of dust in the distance, distinguished only by the pale glow of her flashlight, how can this type of person ever wish to become someone you could be proud of?

You probably get this kind of confession every day, being Kim Jongdae, Chen from EXO. But I cannot meet you and not let you know what you personally mean to me. If you're wondering, the letters I've written for the other members aren't nearly this personal. This is why I've put off writing your letter for weeks, although I know I'm meeting you tomorrow. Some emotions can't be so easily translated into words. Some feelings cannot be explained no matter how hard one tries. That's the cruel reality of the spoken language: millions of words, and still no description of our true feelings, hidden by a pretense of strength. Is it because we, as humans, fear emotional connection? Is it because the mere thought of our souls becoming in front of another terrifies us so much that we don't even dare to create words that allow us to expose our weaknesses, to become vulnerable?

I grew up with very delicate health. I'm fine now and haven't had problems with it for a long time, but for years I was moved across different countries to find treatment for my conditions. I tell people that the reason I learned Korean was because of a student of mine, but that's only part of the truth. Though she was the reason I perfected it, you were the basis of my passion for the language. Why, you ask? Because there's nothing more frustrating in this world than meeting the person who has basically kept you sane for years and not being able to communicate exactly what they are to you. That's why when I met my student, I already knew some Korean. I never wanted to meet you and have the barrier of language between us. This is me, exposing my weaknesses, becoming vulnerable to you.

I really owe you a lot, and I can't begin to tell you how much. You don't make music with people like me in mind, worthless screws in the running machine of the world, the ones that if lost, nobody would notice, nor care. But I notice you. I notice all of you, the way you give your very best in every performance, in every concert, every track, the passion that fills your lungs and moves your feet to the beat of the songs you help create. The way your lips curl into different smiles, each of them created specifically for the person you're looking at. You have no idea how much each one of those smiles fills me with hope.

Please, don't ever stop smiling. As long as you smile, I'll have a reason to smile too.

With love and appreciation,

Isabela Arrellano

Jongdae grabbed at his head and plopped down on his bed face-first. Did she know how much that letter had ruined him this past year? Whenever he least expected it, her words would pop into his head. It was hard to concentrate, hard to have fun, hard to even be sad or sulk. Mykiong... No, Isabela had placed a world on his shoulders, and it was weighing him down.

Until she walked through that door.

Instantly, his mind had gone blank. He couldn't process anything enough to speak. Her green eyes seemed brighter than he remembered them, dusted with specks of brownish gold and sparkling with stars plucked straight from the sky. Her hair and skin reminded him of milk chocolate with sweet caramel inside, the type that would give you a sugar high as soon as you ate it.

"Aish..." He muttered into his pillow. Now that she was once again gone, he felt a hollow in his stomach, like he hadn't eaten in days, an indescribable lack of something that he needed more of, like a drug he was addicted to.

Jongdae needed to get his act together. They would be spending every day together, and he couldn't just say nothing to her forever. Eventually, he would have to speak. Eventually, he would have to say something.

He groaned and put the pillow on top of his head, blocking out the city sounds and creating a muffle around his ears. He would see her again tomorrow. Her ruby eyes would stare at him tomorrow. They'd blink when she didn't understand something, crinkle when she laughed, widen when she was surprised. A surge of energy not unlike the one he experienced last year when he met her passed through his muscles and, before he knew it, he was standing next to the bed. He pinched himself, but the feeling didn't go away.

"What is going on with me?" He asked out loud. He rolled his eyes, puffing his cheeks in a sigh. He needed to blow off steam. What better way to do that than with exercise? He changed into his tank and shorts, grabbed his keys, phone, and earphones and walked out the door.

Oh, he burned fuel alright. After 30 minutes of cardio, he did sets of crunches, weightlifting, sumo squats, sit-ups, pushups, pull-ups...

"Hey, man," Minseok greeted him as he struggled with a dumbbell. He placed it on the stands at either sides of his head and panted, sweat glistening on his bare skin, then removed his earphones that were blasting hard rock. "Weird seeing you around these parts. You okay?" As if Chen needed a reminder that he never went to the gym.

"Fine." Jongdae's reply was harsher than he intended. He cleared his throat. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just.. Not really tired." It was a lie. He definitely wasexhausted after a full day of work and training, but there were just too many things on his mind for sleep.

"Ah, I see," Minseok nodded and sat and bench-pressed 150 pounds like it was cotton candy. "It's been a weird day, huh?"

"What do you mean?" Jongdae pretended not to know, but his hyung made a face at him.

"You think I didn't notice you acting all uppity when we saw Mikyong and talked with her?" His hyung rolled his eyes and put down the weights, then stared pointedly at his dongsaeng. "Listen, I've known you for long enough to know when something's up. And something's definitely up."

Chen shifted his gaze from meeting Xiumin's eyes. Sometimes, he hated how well his best friend knew him. Some things, sometimes, were better left unsaid, better left in the dark. Minseok didn't seem to know that, or if he did, he didn't care.

"Did you and her do something in Chicago that we don't know about?" Minseok's tone of voice was deadly serious, and it took a brief second for Jongdae to process what he was asking. As soon as he did, a violent blush spread across his face and neck.

"God, no!" He stared horrified at him. Minseok shrugged and put his hands up in defense.

"Hey, I had to ask."

"No, you literally didn't."

"Well, what else am I supposed to think, bro?" Minseok gestured at him with his hands, frustrated. "You basically become a brick when she's around, limiting your replies to shrugs and empty stares. You literally not only rescued her when she fell off her bike, and not only did you clean her scratches, but you also bought her dinner. Like, have you stopped to think today how she might feel about you not talking to her?"

Jongdae groaned and put his face in his hands. He actually hadn't thought of how she felt, and now he felt like the world's biggest douchebag. His memory immediately went back to her letter.

Please, don't ever stop smiling. As long as you smile, I'll have a reason to smile too.

He hadn't smiled at all when she was around. He had even glared at her a few times, not on purpose, but because he was still so surprised at seeing her. He expected her to dissolve into vapor at any given second, and then he'd wake up to realize it had all been a dream.

Had he taken her reason to smile?

He then recalled the giggles she'd shared with the other members, the brief smiles, the laughter at their jokes and teasing. Jealousy was a fruit in his chest, ripe and ready to pick.

"She looked to be having fun, at least," Jongdae grumbled. Minseok clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes again.

"Aish. You obviously didn't notice her shooting worried glances your way, and then completely avoiding eye contact with you once you glared at her. The other guys, they're dense, but I know a little about people's feelings. I could tell that your attitude made her..." He thought for a second. "I wouldn't say sad, but it definitely made her mood drop."

"You know this all from watching her?" Chen raised his eyebrow, doubtful. Xiumin gave him an exasperated sigh.

"It's like I can't even talk to you," he shook his head. "Her smile was actually sad to see when you spoke English, literally the only words you spoke this morning. The poor thing was trying her best to be cheerful, but, God, her eyes looked like a deer in the headlights. If you didn't notice that, then I don't know what to tell you, man."

"Listen," Jongdae raised his brows, making a face and shaking his head. "I just wasn't in a good mood this morning, and didn't feel like talking. Is that a crime?"

"It wouldn't be, if you hadn't been so talkative and bright before she came into the room," Minseok raised his eyebrows in a face that meant 'Checkmate.' Jongdae narrowed his eyes at him. He hated that face.

"Ugh," he plopped down on the matted floor, defeated. "Fine. Fine, fine, fine. You're right. I was a douche this morning."

"Yes, you were."

"She's just..." He trailed off before finishing his sentence. Truthfully, he didn't know how to end his statement. She's just brilliant? She was, but that wasn't it. She's just beautiful? She was that too, but it wasn't what he wanted to say.

What he wanted to say was that he was a coal miner, and after years of stained hands and underground caves illuminated by the warm glow of battery powered bulbs, he unexpectedly found a ruby, and that the ruby was so beautiful, so bright, so stunning that it made every block of gold, every silver coin, every diamond cutout seem like absolute garbage.

What he wanted to say was that he'd never seen the ocean before, not really, and after months of desert plains and hot summer days, after years of melting ice and sticky humid nights, after decades of heat exhaustion and sand storms, he'd finally reached a turquoise green sea that he wanted to swim in forever.

What he wanted to say was that after thousands of years of desolation, after sins and suffering, after seeing vast wastelands and stepping over cracked clay floors, he had walked through a forest to find overflowing water streams, gorgeous blooming trees with ripe fruits to eat, a blue sky decorated by the fluffiest white clouds he'd ever seen, and flowers grew between his feet.

He wanted to say that he'd finally found Eden.

But he couldn't find the words.

Minseok sighed. "Be careful."

Jongdae furrowed his brow. "Careful?"

"Careful." He went back to his weights, signalling the conversation was over. Minseok always acted all cool, and while part of Jongdae wanted to ask him what he meant, exhaustion overtook him. He just didn't have the energy.

Cool water fell over the idol's body, the refreshing drops awakening his mind once again. What would happen tomorrow? He needed an action plan. He couldn't just sit and be silent, not this time. That morning was a mistake he needed to atone for. But how?

He sighed and turned closed the faucet, then grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. Jongdae's eyes found the mirror by accident, and he couldn't help but study his pale figure. After tonight's workout, he would definitely wake up sore tomorrow. He groaned at the thought and pushed his blonde hair back out of his eyes so he could start the skincare routine he hated. It was so much work, every stinking day and every stinking night, but it was a routine the care and prep team swore by and required him to follow. If it were up to him, he'd just wash his face and put on some kind of moisturizer. He wished that his skin behaved well enough he could do that.

In the past year, he'd grown to develop some sort of appreciation for his body. He used to hate even looking at himself in the mirror, because every time he did, he'd find a new flaw to capitalize on. But now, he could study himself and even find positive things to praise himself over. It may sound vain to some, but Jongdae was learning to love himself as he was, not thinking about what could be if things were just a bit different. If things could be different, they would be, he thought. I can't be perfect. I'm not a god. I just have to accept my role as a human and do the best I can.

Easier said than done. It had taken him a while, but he was finally beginning to look at himself as a human being, not an all-powerful perfect deity, and accept his flaws, whatever they may be.

He could choose to ignore his flaws, but that felt fake to him. "How can I say I accept myself when I just overlook what I don't like?" He once told Minseok. "I'm going to learn to love my flaws, because they make me me. If I didn't have them, I would have grown up to be different, so the blessings I have now, I wouldn't have if I didn't have my flaws as well as my virtues. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'll accept all of me, not just the parts that I like already."

Of course, he didn't tell his hyung about Isabela's letter. In fact, when the rest of the members discussed their letters they had received from her, he simply remained quiet. He didn't want to share something so deep, so personal. She trusted him with her feelings, and he had to do everything in his power to keep them safe from harm.

Jongdae put on a pair of grey Calvin Klein boxer briefs and headed straight to bed. Sadly, although his body was past the point of exhaustion, his mind was wide awake and going 300kmh. By the time it was 3:30a, he had grown so frustrated, he groaned and tried to suffocate himself with the pillow. Finally, at about 5:00a, his body found comfort as his mind rested, and the rest of him followed.