The scent of coffee permeates the air and the low chatter of other patrons were mere murmurs in the background. There are scattered college students with eyes glued to their laptops, groups of old friends who seemed to be catching up, people playing chess; it was like no time at all had passed since she last came here.

 

It’s nice to know some things never change.

 

A couple years ago, this place was practically a second home to her. Within walking distance of her apartment, decently priced coffee, and the best muffins she’s ever had, it was a wonder Momo stopped coming.

 

And yet how long had it been since she was last here?

 

She grips the warm coffee cup between her hands as she eyes the door every two minutes, waiting. Restless, she takes out her phone, and for the hundredth time, opens the message to confirm she was at the right place.

 

Mina was passing through, on her way to visit family, and had stopped to see the few of her classmates who were still around. She wanted to “catch up” she said. Momo wondered what they could have to catch up on considering they were barely able to hold a five-minute conversation the last time they spoke. Nonetheless, she sent a text back agreeing, asking when and where they should meet up.

 

Mina suggested this cafe, “for old times sake”.

 

Despite not seeing the younger girl for almost two years, Momo thought about her on almost a daily basis. She hated herself for being so stereotypical and falling for another straight girl but she couldn’t have known this random girl who showed up in her class would become so important to her. She was so certain Mina would be a life-long friend, crush or not. 

 

She considered sophomore year the peak of her college career if only because it had brought Mina into her life. It wasn’t odd to get students who weren’t in the department and looking to fulfill a required credit coming into certain classes but those who did were almost certainly overwhelmed by the sheer ridiculousness of her classmates.

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

By all accounts, Mina shouldn’t have been on Momo’s radar at all but as soon as she heard Mina introducing herself the first day, Momo knew she was ed.

 

It wasn't odd to get students who weren't in the department and looking to fulfill a required credit coming into certain classes but those who did were almost certainly overwhelmed by the sheer ridiculousness of her classmates.

 

She didn’t blame Mina for sitting quietly in a seat far away from them, earphones always in and disappearing from the classroom as soon as they were dismissed but there was something about Mina that drew Momo in. She watched the girl for the first week of class and by the end had made up her mind to befriend her.

 

 

(She could do this. She's done way scarier things. The free-fall attraction that Chungha insisted they go on? She was never so terrified in her life but she did it.

 

But this girl? This beautiful girl who sits in the front corner of the classroom, who makes Momo’s stomach drop and flip like no amusement park ride has ever done scares the living out of her. 

 

She enters the classroom, waving to her friends who call out their greetings and bypasses them to head straight for the desk next to her. She can hear the murmurings of her classmates but blocks them out as best she can.

 

The girl jumps in surprise as Momo plops her bag onto the desk beside her. She hesitantly takes out an earbud and gives an adorable yet confused look at Momo who puts on her best friendly face.

“Morning! Do you mind if I sit here? I’ve been having trouble seeing the board from my usual seat.”

It is a ridiculously flimsy excuse but it does the trick as a small smile crosses her face and she nods. Relieved, Momo slides into the seat and figures that as long as she has her attention, she should plow ahead.

 

“Mina, right? I’m Momo.”

 

She sticks her hand out and after a few moments, Mina returns the handshake with a much firmer grip than expected and replies in the sweetest and softest voice Momo has ever heard. “Yes, Mina. Thank you for remembering.”

 

Momo attempts to cover up the slight frown that crosses her face when she hears that sentence. Had she really been forgotten so often that it’s strange someone remembers her name?

 

“Of course. Also I feel like I should apologize for the horde over there,” she jerks her head back towards her classmates. “They can be a little…much.”

 

She shakes her head and shifts her gaze over to the group. “It’s alright,” Mina gnaws at her lip before giving a sheepish grin. “It IS a bit overwhelming but it seems like you all know each other very well.”

 

Momo laughs. “Its hard not to when you’re stuck around each other for the better part of nine months. If you want, I can introduce you. Although if you’d rather not, I wouldn’t blame you.”

 

Mina bites her lip, eyes flitting between Momo and the people behind her, unsure if she wants to jump right in. They seem nice enough but social anxiety always gets the best of her in large groups of people and she ends up not talking at all, feeling out of place watching everyone else interact. But with the hopeful look on Momo’s face, it was like her head starts nodding before she can really process what exactly she's agreeing to.)

 

 

That was how it all started.

 

Unknowing, they slowly began spending the majority of their time together and when they weren’t physically together, they were constantly texting. Where Mina was, it was guaranteed Momo wasn’t far behind.

 

In retrospect, she supposed it made sense. Momo was the first one to approach her and since she was her first friend, it was only natural that they’d become close. She just didn’t think it’d happen so fast.

 

They worked well together. Mina was the one able to ground Momo whereas Momo was the one who pushed Mina’s boundaries, allowing her to step outside her comfort zone.

 

What became their place, when they weren’t at one of their apartments, was that small cafe. They spent god knows how many nights there, cramming for tests, writing papers, gossiping, people-watching etc. The baristas knew them by name and their orders by heart.

 

It was also the place where Momo realized she might be just a tiny little bit in love with Mina.

 

 

(Momo swears she’s trying her best to concentrate on the book in front of her. It’s not her fault the best distraction in the world happens to be sitting right across from her, fingers flying away on her keyboard as she works on a paper for her history class. She only remembers because Mina has been complaining about it all week until Momo finally dragged her down to their coffee shop, sat her in a booth, and told her she wasn’t allowed to leave until the paper was done.

 

Mina may be smart but she is a horrible procrastinator. After a few minutes of grumbling, she settled down and got to work right away (although Momo suspects that has more to do with the ice cream she promised her afterwards).

 

Momo doesn’t want to distract her though and keeps her eyes firmly focused on her book. She thinks this might be the eighth time she’s read this page.

 

About five minutes pass before Momo completely gives up after the twelfth time of going over the same page. She sets the book down and stretches out her back over the top of her chair when her eyes land on the wall.

 

The back corner of the cafe is a perfect place for graffiti and as expected, the wall is adorned in colorful messages scrawled onto the brick and into wood molding. There are typical ones like “2YEON 5EVR” or “ONCE RULEZ” . Most are illegible or scratched out but what looks to be a quote near the bottom in small, neat, red, handwriting catches Momo’s eye.

 

“We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe.”

 

It makes her stop. She’s not sure why but something about it resonates with her. Like she knows exactly what it’s talking about even though she’s pretty sure she’s never experienced something like that before. Momo runs her fingers lightly over it, like if she touches it, maybe she’ll understand this feeling. Almost involuntarily, her gaze goes back to Mina.

 

Her long burgundy hair falls like curtains on either side of her face which is scrunched up in concentration. She’s mouthing the words as she types, a habit Momo loves to about. She’s not wearing any makeup and is only wearing black shorts and an oversized blue hoodie but Momo thinks she’s never looked more beautiful.

 

Like Mina senses her watching, her eyes flick up to meet Momo’s and she smiles fondly before going back to her screen.

 

That smile. Momo feels like the wind has been knocked out of her and it finally clicks in her head why that quote must have caught her eye.

 

Because Mina was her reason for forgetting to breathe.)

 

 

She never says anything. Not when their friends tease them about their tendency to act like a couple, not when she frequently surprises Mina with her favorite candy or drink because she knew she had a bad day and Mina looks at her like she’s been given the world and not a simple chocolate bar. Not when Mina insists they buy matching necklaces.

 

She wishes they could stay like this forever but change is inevitable and it starts with that stupid party.

 

(Parties were a regular occurrence among their friend group, sometimes for special occasions, other times because, well, why the hell not? The latter tend to be the ragers that end with several passed out people around the house, beers and liquor bottles littering the floor, and at least two people puking their guts out in the bathroom.

 

The music was deafening as Momo weaves her way through the living room looking for Mina. She finally finds her out on the porch along with Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Dahyun, and Sana except it was more like Mina standing off the side by herself as the first two were making out in the corner and the other two looking like they weren’t far behind.

 

Momo taps Mina on the shoulder. “There you are.”

 

Mina spins around, startled, but breaking into a wide grin when she sees who it is. “Here I am! And there you are!” she giggles booping Momo on the nose.

 

Yep, she was definitely drunk. Momo could tell by the way she was leaning heavily into her and looking up at her with those damn bedroom eyes of hers.

 

“I missed you.” Mina pouts.

 

“Hey, you were the one who wandered off first.” Momo chuckles and tries to keep things light, gently squeezing her. “But I found you now so no worries.”

 

She giggles and attempts to snuggle deeper in Momo as they stand in silence. Momo closes her eyes appreciatively at the light breeze, a wonderful contrast to the sauna that was the inside of the house.

 

“Momo, am I pretty?”

 

Momo’s eyes snap open and she glances down at Mina. “What?”

 

“Am I pretty?”

 

The response was automatic. “Of course you are. You’re pretty and beautiful and gorgeous and so much more.”

 

Momo’s words don’t have the desired effect as the sad look doesn’t leave Mina’s face. She squeezes her again to get her attention. “Where did that come from?”

 

“Then why won’t anyone kiss meeeeeee?” Mina whines. “Look at them,” gesturing to the two other couples. “They get to kiss people. Why don’t I?”

 

Letting out a baffled laugh, Momo points out, “Because they’re both in relationships? Where is this coming from?”

 

Still pouting, Mina shakes her head. “Kissing is fun and I miss it. I wanna kiss someone tonight!” She looks back up at Momo and the older girl can practically see the light bulb switch on over Mina’s head.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Momo laughs uncomfortably. “Me? I’m sure you can find someone better.”

 

“But you’re my Momo. You’re the best Momo. Pleeeeeease?” Mina grabs the lapels of Momo’s jacket and looks up with hooded, pleading eyes.

 

This is a bad idea. Momo knows this is a bad idea and yet she can’t take her eyes off Mina’s lips, is overwhelmed by the smell of her perfume mixed with the sharp smell of liquor.

 

She finds herself powerless to deny her anything.

 

Momo kisses her.)

 

 

The next morning wasn’t awkward but it was clear Mina didn’t consider it to be anything more than a drunken impulse. With a hollow smile, Momo agrees and they never talk about it again.

 

It wasn’t the last time Mina kissed a girl. She develops a tendency for drunken makeout sessions at parties with anyone but Momo. She tries to console herself with the knowledge knowing she was Mina’s first.

 

It doesn’t work.

 

Momo begins avoiding her at the parties and soon at school when she realizes Mina looks at everyone the way she looks at Momo.

 

Shortly after, there was a slow but sure change in their relationship powered forward by Momo’s classmates. Momo may have been the one who brought Mina into their circle but as Mina grew more and more comfortable with the group, the more she gravitated away, her free time instead spent with Sana, Chaeyoung, Jeongyeon, and Nayeon.

 

 

Daily texts trickled to a halt. More than once, Momo would be packing up her things as she listened to the four of them make plans to meet up later for dinner or to study; plans that didn’t include her.

 

As far as she knew, they weren’t doing it out of malice but it didn’t lessen the sting of the idea that some of her classmates were ignoring her in favor of Mina or that it seemed like Momo was no longer worthwhile to Mina.

 

She began spending her time with Jihyo, Tzuyu, and Dahyun. Momo loved them dearly and was grateful for their company but it wasn’t the same.

 

Her heart hurt when she’d pass by the cafe, always looking even though she knew she wouldn’t find who she was searching for.

 

It hurt when her late night study sessions turned into her sitting alone in her apartment, surrounded by papers.

 

It hurt when her texts went unanswered sometimes for days at time and if she was lucky enough to get a response, it was never more than a line or two.

 

 

Two years go by and Momo graduates early, a semester ahead of Mina. The only people who attend the ceremony are her parents.

 

Despite her initial plans of wanting to leave Seoul, she was still around when spring graduation came and watched the rest of her classmates, including Mina, go through the rite of passage. Too often, she found herself attempting to suppress frequent surges of envy that they were able to experience it all together while she hadn’t had anyone to share it with.

 

A couple days after, their class had gotten together for one last hurrah at Nayeon’s house. Everyone had gotten pleasantly drunk and there weren’t any tears shed as they reassured each other they would keep in touch.

 

Momo could only scoff to herself. Even a mere semester away had shown her how many of her friendships were based on pure proximity. She could count the number of times people had reached out to her over the course of the last five months on one hand.

 

She tried her best to forget that Mina was not one of them.

 

That was the last time Momo saw her.

 

 

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So she was nervous.

 

Their contact had faded to happy birthday texts, wishes for a happy holiday, and the (very) occasional empty promise to get together soon.

 

The jingling of the cafe’s door bell jolted Momo out of her reverie and her head swung around only to be met with an unexpected surprise.

 

 

 

A/N: i'm working on the second part so i won't leave you guys hanging...i just can't promise when i'll have it done. 

life's been a little ty but i've been writing more which is good i guess?

anyways, upvotes, comments, subscriptions are always appreciated <3

 

title is from i hate u, i love u (feat. olivia o'brien)- gnash

quote is from andrea gibson.

partly inspired by chaeyoung's melody project song "alone