I still do not know if it was intentional, but the company decided to break it to me that I would not be a member of the new girl group on my 18th birthday. Immediately after she told me this, manager unnie even asked me, smilingly, if I would be extending my contract that was set to expire in three months?

“If you extend,” she said in a calm voice, “you’ll definitely be in the next girl group. You have great potential, just not there yet.”

At once I refused. It was awful, but I had grown sick of Korea. I had missed my family so much, and I longed to go back to England.

The entire day I roamed around the streets of Seoul all by myself, while I knew, with my fullest consciousness, that Chaeyoung, my dearest Chaeyoung, would happily debut, along with Jisoo, Jennie, and Lisa. They would be celebrated for their talents, they would be showered with love, and they would at last achieve the glamor of success that every single one of us had craved to our bones—even though no one ever said that they did, even though not all of us got to enjoy it in the end.

I did not know how I ended up in that bar. But I was set free that day—the same day I became a grown-up. So I could drink, I could smoke, and I could do whatever I wanted now, with no fear of being caught and punished. And I would indulge in that blessed freedom.

My phone was buzzing like crazy. It was Chaeyoung, but I did not want to pick up her calls or read her texts. I did not want to see anything that reminded me of the four years I was imprisoned by that company. Not tonight.

The next morning I woke up next to a stranger, , and my head felt like exploding. After struggling a minute to regain my memory, I scrambled for my phone. There were five missed calls from Chaeyoung, scattered from 8 p.m. to 3 a.m., and a text message after the last call—

“I’m sorry.”

I texted her to meet me later at the coffee house that we always went to, and for some reason all I could think about was how much I wanted to make her suffer. I wanted to throw a tantrum at her, I wanted to puff smoke into her face, and I wanted to tell her how I drank to oblivion last night, and how I let a complete stranger my brains out.

“Because I’m a woman now,” I would say to her as I clench my teeth and stare into her innocent eyes. “So I can smoke, I can drink, and I can have a boyfriend me like an animal.”

“And you, unnie, can’t do anything,” I would laugh at her, and I would pity her for all the bans she must suffer. “How pathetic. Just because you want to be an idol.”

Yet, why did I still envy her? Why did I still cry?

“Even with all this, unnie…I’d still trade life with you…”

I tottered along the street, and cried like a fool.

At last when I arrived at the coffee house, I had determined to do or say none that I had imagined to do and say—because I was an adult now, and being an adult means I should let what was born with me die with me, and bother no one else with it. I walked inside, expecting Chaeyoung at the table in the corner, where we always held our little escapes.

But to my utter astonishment, I saw Jisoo seated at the corner, in front of whom was a half-full cup of iced chocolate.

“Elinor!” she looked my direction and exclaimed. Her brows were tightly knitted, and her usual cheerful expression was replaced by a look of grave concern and damning reproach.

I was still shocked, and a little frightened by Jisoo’s uncharacteristic seriousness. But Jisoo’s shout indicated I must go to her this instant if I wanted to stay alive. So I walked up to the table, and with every step my heart raced faster, as she watched my every step with her lips tightly closed.

“You’ve been crying,” said Jisoo in a soft voice as I sat down, and her expression softened with her voice.

“Oh…” I lowered my head, and looked up with a smile. “Never mind that, Jisoo unnie. I’m all right now.”

She only stared at me with her brows furrowed, and breathed slowly.

“So…” I opened my mouth gingerly, as I carefully observed her expression, “…where’s Chaeyoung unnie?”

Jisoo seemed provoked by my question. Her breath suddenly grew heavier. “She’s worried,” she uttered the words with slightly clenched teeth. “And she was going to come when she got your text, but I stopped her. I told her I should come, because I’m the oldest.”

“I see…”

She took a sip of her iced chocolate, then put it down on the table, and stared at me with a cold look. I felt a shiver down my spine, and only presumed it the effect of the ice in her drink.

After a moment of ominous silence, Jisoo leaned in slowly, her angelic orbs radiating devilish wrath. “Do you have any idea how worried Chaeyoung was last night?” she whispered coldly, her subtle fragrance mixed with the aroma of chocolate rushed into my nose.

My heart sunk as I started to realize how much Chaeyoung had to hurt for Jisoo to suddenly become this cold.

“She cried, Elinor,” murmured Jisoo, collapsing back to her seat, with an almost inaudible tremor in her voice. “I held her…and she cried.” She brushed her hair with her hand, and sighed heavily. “I felt so useless…just holding her in my arms, her, and breathing every consolation I could think of…totally useless.”

I saw Jisoo close her eyes, chest heaving, lips moving soundlessly, and I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself.

“She cried…as if she was the one being passed over.”

I felt a sharp twinge. “I’m sorry…”

Jisoo sighed again, this time softly, and lightly shook her head. “Don’t blame yourself, Elinor.” She looked up at me with a relenting smile, and put her hand in mine. “We’re all sincerely sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be, unnie,” I said as I her palm with my thumb. “We all get what we deserve—and I got what I deserved.”

I indeed deserved it.

It was about two weeks ago, a few days after our Lunar New Year break had ended. Chaeyoung had gone back to Australia for the break, while I, due to my family’s financial struggle, had to remain in Korea. So I did nothing but went to the company and practiced every day, when everyone else had gone home. I practiced there, alone, for my life, because I knew there would be an evaluation right after the holiday. Sure enough, when Jisoo, Jennie, Chaeyoung, and Lisa came back one after another, we were asked to perform “Playing with Fire” as evaluation—I had actually loved this song immensely in spite of my dislike of pop music in general. And each of us had recorded the song in full already, and we were only waiting for our voices to be edited into a finished version after the final lineup of the new girl group was confirmed.

Perhaps because, for some reason, I suffered severe anxiety when I was practicing, or perhaps simply because I had no talent after all, I failed the choreography miserably in front of all our mentors and managers at the evaluation. And a week later I heard they had removed my voice from the song. It was at that time that I had already known I would be kicked out. I thought I had made my peace with it, but a small yet erse part of me still made me hope, against all reason and evidence, until I heard the fatal truth with my own ears yesterday—and it was a relief somehow, for no part of me, no matter how foolish and rebellious, could make me hope now.

I accepted the result, for it was what I deserved.

Jisoo fished something wrapped in contact paper out of her backpack, and handed it to me. “Chaeyoung asked me to give you this.” And she gave a light smile. “Happy belated birthday.”

I smiled as I tore it open, and it was an unlabeled CD.

“It’s the final demo of ‘Playing with Fire’,” she added calmly. “You love this song, don’t you.”

“I do,” I replied, and felt a pang as I foresaw only them in it. “Of all the songs we’d recorded, this is the only one I love.”

Jisoo plugged her earphones in her phone and gave me an earbud. “Listen to it.”

I put down the CD and took the earbud as Jisoo placed the other one in her ear. She held my hand, and the tune started to flow.

It was absolutely breathtaking—the impeccable harmony of the four voices. As it played on, my eyes began to feel warm, not for myself, but for the heart-rending beauty that flowed into my ear. I closed my eyes and realized, with comfort and pain, that I had never belonged to this group, when I heard Chaeyoung in the chorus.

우리 사랑은 불장난

My love is on fire

My love is on fire

There were only three lines, but my heart was still swelling to the realm beyond redemption. It was God’s winged messenger singing to me through Chaeyoung’s voice.

I could not hold it back any longer when the last beat faded away. “It’s beautiful,” I smiled at Jisoo as tears streamed down my face. “Thank you, and Chaeyoung unnie…thank you so much.”

She smiled back at me, so bright, so lighthearted that at that instant she was lovelier than anytime in the past four years that I had known her.

“I’m sorry you had to go out for me today, Jisoo unnie,” I murmured as I dried my face. “I know you all have so much work and practice to do, with so little time for things like this.”

“Don’t think about it now,” she said gently. “This afternoon it’s just you and me.”

I was grateful from the bottom of my heart.

And so we talked as if it were our last chance.

“So, Elinor, I found out this thing the other day.” Jisoo held her iced chocolate in her hands and took a sip. “It was hilarious,” she snickered, and continued—

“A few days ago we started learning the dance to one of the songs that we’d recorded—‘As If It’s Your Last’, you know—and so I asked Chaeyoung to practice it with me after dinner that night.

“It was almost midnight, and most staff members were gone already. So we went down to the basement by ourselves and looked for a practice room. Almost all rooms were dark and empty by that time, you know, so we were just going to the usual one that we use all the time. But just before we went in, I noticed a light coming out from the room in the corner down the hallway. I was curious, so I asked Chaeyoung to go down there with me and see who was in there. But it was so funny—Chaeyoung was scared. Her brows puckered, and she pouted and shook her head like crazy!

“So I told her, ‘I’m sure it’s Jendeukie. She texted me earlier saying she’ll practice till very late and asking me not to wait.’ And I chucked as I held her arm and started dragging her there. ‘Come, Chaeyoung, don’t be like that. We’ll go and scare her! It’ll be so fun!’

“Chaeyoung was still hesitant at my little prank idea. But I don’t care! I dragged her toward the room and determined to give Jendeukie a scare. The room door was closed, and only a dim light was coming through the door window. So, all of a sudden, I just pushed in! And I was expecting no other than Jendeukie and her silly scared face. But, guess what—” Jisoo put her drink down, and leaned in with a spark of excitement in her eyes. “—Jendeukie wasn’t practicing in there. Lisa was there, sitting on her lap, wrapped in her arms, and kissing her neck!”

I retched a little as I imagined it playing out vividly in my mind—a sweet grin spread across Jennie’s face, and Lisa snuggling up in Jennie’s arms and pecking her on the neck—all too cloying for me to take. Jisoo was giggling heartily as I made every effort to suppress my sickness, and, after a good while, I asked, “Then what happened?”

Jisoo was still laughing. “So funny! Jendeukie stood up immediately with such a horrified silly look, and Lisa jumped almost to the ceiling! But just after they realized it was me and Chaeyoung, they calmed down really fast.

“’You scared the heck out of us, Jisoo unnie! And you, Chaeyoung!’ Lisa exclaimed. ‘I thought it was manager unnie and I was like “Oh, God, we’re doomed!”’

“Chaeyoung—at first she didn’t want to follow through my prank, you remember, but now she had such a sly grin on her face! She gave such a dirty look at Lisa and said, ‘Well, why’d you have to make out in here in the first place?’

“Then she moved inside and closed the door when I started laughing nonstop—their faces when I barged in were just priceless!—and I pointed at Jendeukie and said, ‘Tsk tsk tsk, Jendeukie, and you told me you’re going to practice late. Shame on you, girl!’

“And Chaeyoung’s entire body was shaking so hard from snickering when she added, ‘Seriously, just get a room, Lisa!’

“Lisa’s cheeks were burning hot red as she glared at me and Chaeyoung, and she cried with a loud stamp, ‘Jennie unnie and I were just about to practice!’

“’With your tongue in her neck?’ I laughed so hard at Lisa’s stupid defense there were tears in my eyes!

“’Shut up, unnie!’ she cried even louder as she stamped her foot again, and her breath was so short and heavy it looked like she was about to burst into tears.

“Jendeukie’s cheeks were growing pinker and pinker. She rolled her eyes and started walking to the door. ‘I’ll just go home now,’ she said in a thin voice. ‘It’s getting pretty late…’

“I finally stopped laughing as I said, ‘Let’s just all go home now. Can’t practice now after this.’

“‘Yeah,’ Chaeyoung agreed with a light chuckle.

“Lisa was still very irked, and only followed us through the door after a good second of simmering.

“And then we just went back to the dorms. On our way Chaeyoung and I grilled Lisa about all their secret make-out sessions while Jendeukie was walking in front of us, feeling intensely embarrassed. It was so much fun! It turns out they canoodle a lot in that corner practice room, and they have so many other secret make-out places all around the company building! Oh, my! Now, is that ridiculous or what?” Jisoo finished her account with a sly smirk as her hand fiddled with the straw in her drink.

I was frankly not all that surprised, based on what I observed about Jennie and Lisa’s relationship. But it was certainly hilarious, and so I made all the reactions and comments Jisoo could have expected. But the story I really wanted to hear concerned the other couple.

“How are things with you and Chaeyoung unnie?”

“Oh…” Jisoo’s smile froze as she abruptly stopped fiddling with her straw and lowered her eyelids with a small, involuntary quiver in her voice. “It’s…” she heaved a sigh, “…well, kind of…strange.”

“How?”

“Well,” Jisoo ruffled her hair on the back with another sigh, “Chaeyoung is…inconstant, and not in that she cheats—I’d never believe it for the world even if she did—but it’s that…she feels like an eel at times, elusive and mysterious.

“Some days she calls me every night before sleep, and tells me, in such a tender yet sensual voice, how much she misses me, and how much she yearns for my hug. But there are also times when she ignores all my calls, and replies to my texts hours later with only one or two words.

“And, about two weeks ago—Chaeyoung had spent her birthday in Australia, you know—so two weeks ago when she came back, I planned to take her to a movie after practice, and maybe a midnight snack afterward. I’d been planning it for a few days already by then, and I’d chosen the movie theater, the streets where they sell her favorite food, etc., etc. But when I called her and told her all about it, she just declined.

“‘I’m sorry, unnie, but I should practice,’ was her reply. Over the phone her voice sounded like ice.

“So I only packed the present I got for her, and brought it to the company to give to her. And I first caught a chance during dinnertime, when I saw her walk into the dining room alone. I immediately trotted to her with the present in my hand, and she looked at me with a slight gasp.

“‘Happy belated birthday, Chaeyoungie,’ I handed it to her with a smile.

“She stared at me with such a surprised look. And following my words is a dreadful silence. She then only lowered her head, and took the present with a faint ‘Thanks, unnie.’

“I was so disappointed. We were just standing there, with a gap less than ten inches between us, yet it felt like we were ten thousand miles apart. I looked for her expression under the shadow of her hair, but simply could not find it. I felt a helpless flutter that suddenly ignited an urgent desire in my heart to scream.

“I yelled, ‘I love you, Park Chaeyoung!’

“Those words shocked me. I really had no idea why I said it. My brain was a complete mess—But I said it. I said it now. And I said it for the first time…

“And…she lifted her head, eyes wide open, looking as shocked as I was, and I saw, very distinctly, that something twinkled in her eyes. But I couldn’t tell whether it meant excitement or fear… I waited there, for something from her, and my throat grew so dry it hurt. Yet time had frozen for me, as she just stood still, and gaped at me with such a fervent but cryptic stare. She seemed to tremble, but I forgot whether it was me or her who was actually trembling. And soon her figure, her face—it all became blurred to me—for I waited! I waited as my soul left my body, as my body was pulled so hard it ripped into pieces!

“I waited until my flesh had rotted away from my bones, when she finally lowered her eyelids, and murmured, ‘Thank you,’ before hurrying away.

“I closed my eyes after she was gone, for I dared not count her leaving steps,” Jisoo murmured the last sentence, staring blankly into space.

After a second of silence, she sighed heavily, looked down at the table, and with a tremor added, “I’ve never felt insecure in a relationship before, Elinor… But with her…I am…” She looked at me with a painful twitch. “And it gives me such torment… Oh! I can’t tell you how many nights I spent tossing and turning without a wink of sleep just thinking about her, Elinor!” cried Jisoo as her cheeks flushed with anxiety, and some tiny droplets seeped into her eyes.

I held onto Jisoo’s hands with mine. “Don’t despair, unnie,” I said quietly, her hands. “I know Chaeyoung unnie’s feelings. I know her feelings as I know mine.” I paused when a sparkle suppressed the tears in Jisoo’s eyes. “Trust me,” I smiled, and looked deeply into her eyes as I continued—

“I remember one night very clearly, Jisoo unnie, about two years ago. It was 2014, in Chaeyoung’s and my dorm, sometime after one o’clock in the morning.

“Chaeyoung was lying on the couch. Her feet leaned softly against the wall, and her immaculate snowy legs blended perfectly into the unstained white paint. Rested on her abdomen was her favorite mahogany guitar, and her eyes were closed as she uncaringly plucked the strings and languidly sang along.

“It was the same song that she’d been singing every night for a week now. And by the sheer power of her voice she’d made me fall in love with that song—till this day simply humming it can soothe my nerves.

“And it was after a long, tiresome day of endless practice. I only wanted to go to bed. But, for some reason, you know, despite my drooping eyelids and sinking spirits, I stared at Chaeyoung, her legs, and her mahogany guitar, with such absorbed attention that I can’t summon even when practicing—her voice did not lull me to sleep; rather, it was so sublime, I was awed by its beauty, her beauty. Just listening to it like that, in the serene quietude after midnight, was making me tremble to the brink of tears. And when she reached the last note and lingered away, it was an indescribable feeling of consummate bliss.

“‘If only I could hear you sing all day, unnie,’ I murmured as my head rested heavily on my hand. ‘Everyone falls in love with you the moment you start singing.’

“With a weary smile she set away her guitar and sat up. ‘I don’t know why,’ she murmured, staring into space, ‘but I just feel like singing that song these days.’

“‘I love it,’ I yawned. ‘I love the song, I love your voice, I love your guitar accompaniment, and every other bit of it.’

“’Thanks, Elinor,’ a smile dimpled her face as she tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. She paused for a good while, and with a solemn expression stared deeply into something, as if contemplating the meaning of existence. She then added, quietly, ‘There’s something, Elinor… I can’t tell exactly why, but I always tend to like people with nice voice…you know, people who sing well.’

“’I bet you do,’ I opened my eyes and straightened by back as I foresaw a midnight confession of some sort. And I asked, ‘Who’d you say is the best singer of all the trainees at the company, then? That is, second to you, of course, since you’re obviously the best—anyone who disagrees should see an ear doctor.’

“Chaeyoung blushed with a chuckle. ‘…Who do you think?’

“’Well…’ I struggled to clear my head of the drowsiness and reflect on all the trainees that I’d heard singing. And—you guessed it, Jisoo unnie—your name was my reply after a few seconds of reflecting. Immediately after ‘Jisoo unnie’ popped out of my mouth, I realized where Chaeyoung was going with this.

“‘Yeah,’ she beamed, with a sparkle jumping out of her eyes. ‘Jisoo unnie…she does sing extraordinarily well, doesn’t she?’

“I snickered at her intoxicated expression, and said, ‘You’ve had a crush on her for nearly two years.’

“She lowered her head, and after a short pause raised it again. ‘No,’ she murmured, looking me in the eyes, her cheeks turning pink, ‘I don’t have a crush on her, Elinor—I love her.’

“Even though I was expecting some type of confession, but that still shocked me to the core. I instantly gaped at her, and my sleepiness was magically all gone. ‘…Be careful, unnie, when you use that word—’ I said, and then paused as I carefully observed her, ‘—because at this age, none of use cares about love. We want to have fun and we’re afraid of being alone. But we don’t care about love.’

“’You’re wrong!’ Chaeyoung retorted as she stood up, scowling. ‘I care about love.’

“I smirked, thinking the way she shouted the words uncommonly childish. ‘Say, then, how do you love Jisoo unnie?’ I challenged in a loud voice. ‘Does your heart tingle when you see her smile? And do you want to go to parks with her, laugh at her stupid jokes, and hug her fragrant body and kiss her roseate lips? Please, unnie, everybody wants to have fun and do those silly things. And everybody fancies their heartstrings plucked when they see someone good-looking and easygoing. None of it is even close to love. It’s all nothing more than a crush.’

“She exhaled, gaping at me and shaking her head. ‘You read too many novels, Elinor.’

“I leaned back on the couch and chuckled. ‘You still don’t agree with me.’

“’Not entirely. I agree that my love for Jisoo unnie—yes, I still call it love—perhaps started as a puerile infatuation. But since then it’s grown more than you could imagine—more than I had imagined.’ She then sat down on the couch again, her clasped hands trembled on her chest, and her countenance grew graver with a tinge of melancholy. ‘Recently I’ve been feeling an ineffable sense of hopelessness…as if I’m about to lose her… She, and Lisa and Jennie unnie—they’re pretty much guaranteed to debut in the new girl group, you know, but for us…there’s nothing to tell what will become of us. And…just thinking about it, thinking about the possibility that she debuts and I don’t…it gives me such horrifying dreams! Elinor, I’ve become her! She’s more myself than I am! I laugh with her and cry with her not because I feel for her joy and her sorrow, but because her joy is my joy, her sorrow is my sorrow! When the Lord my God created me, He didn’t breathe my soul into my body, but He split it in half, and breathed the other half into her body, Elinor. And I’m blessed to have found her, to have found myself, and I simply can’t bear seeing her ascend into the heavenly light, while I’m cast down into the dark abyss…’

“Chaeyoung could not continue anymore. Her lips were shuddering, her face twitched, and her eyes grew red with tears seeping into her lids.

“I held her in my arms immediately, patting her on the back, and assured her with my most earnest conviction that she will debut with you, Jisoo unnie. ‘Your voice is already in “Without You”, unnie, and if you don’t debut people will be furious!’ I said. And God knows how right I was. I knew she’d debut the very first moment I heard her sing…”

I stopped my rambling when I caught Jisoo’s fervent gaze into my eyes. She flushed with her hands trembling, and there was an irrepressible fire in her eyes.

“Thanks…Elinor,” murmured she with a clear tremor. “I…I need to find Chaeyoung this instant.”

Impatiently, Jisoo grabbed her phone from the table, and quickly typed something. She then gave my hand a firm squeeze with a grateful smile, snatched her backpack and the remaining iced chocolate that had melted away entirely, and hurried out of the coffee house.

Notes