SEOUL, 2017, HAN RIVER

“I’m holding on, 
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on,
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go I’d be set free”

The desperate song from a famous American Rock Band could be heard faintly from a white colored Benz that parked near the Han River’s bridge. A petite figure stared the dark night view in front of her. The night lights pierced her heart, added the existing pain. Yes, pain, a pain that gradually grew bigger and bigger like a black hole of the universe. The wind breeze of the cold night clearly depicted the petite figure’s current feeling.

Empty.

Confuse.

Tired.

The petite figure decided to get off from the Benz. The figure walked weakly in barefoot. The milky white skinned feet touched the cold and hard texture of the stones that scattered messily on the riverside. The figure soundlessly streamed warm liquids from those two black-brownish orbs. Those eyes were covered by clear liquids.
Slow but sure, the figure came closer to the line between the cold liquids of Seoul’s biggest river and the sharp grey abstract-shaped materials.
“If I couldn’t have you in this life, Let’s meet again in the next life, Dear J” stated the petite figure.
The figure continued the steps until the pained sensation was changed by the cold sensation from the liquid of Han River, The sensation that added the pain for the petite. Slow but sure, the cold sensation moved to the upper parts of the figure’s body.

Cold.

Numb.

The petite figure closed her eyes. Everything went black.
A smile flashed.
A beautiful smile. Familiar one.
A smile that fluttered the petite.
The smile slowly but sure changed into a smirk that clearly showed the annoying mock.
“Just Die, stupid midget” stated the familiar sound.

It’s J's.

The woman who is loved the most by the figure.
On the other side, the J treated the figure differently.
She chooses that man.
Suddenly, a manly figure stood next to J, he grabbed the hand and intertwined their fingers. 
A man who gives her the world.
The two mocked the petite figure and everything went black.

FLASHBACK.

3 days ago.

A petite figure curled up on her warm soft bed. The chirping birds’ sounds and the sun lights pierced in through the wide window. The figure slowly opened her eyes, she blinked her eyes for some seconds.
“Hoaaammmh..” yawned the petite figure.
She stretched her arms in forceless motion. The muscles all over her body were moved, created the relieved sensation.

After she fully got her remaining stamina, she swung the thick blanket that covered her petite y body all night long. Then she climbed down from the bed. Dragging sound of sandals could be heard inside the wide bedroom.
“IT’S THE D- DAY, BRACE YOURSELF KIM TAEYEON” assured the petite figure in front of the wide mirror. The mixture of tired yet excited expression clearly was depicted by that cute face.

Kim Taeyeon. 
28 years old.
Korea’s no 1 pop singer.
The charismatic leader of a girl group named Girls’ Generation.
Introverted.
Single in public but the opposite behind the curtain.

Taeyeon walked inside her bathroom. She the shower after she lifted the t-shirt and other clothes from her body. She felt the cold waters streamed on her body. Instantly, the sleepy eyes were wide-opened. She cleaned her body with vanilla-scented soap. After she finished her activities inside the bathroom, the singer walked out and went back to her bedroom. She took a pair of casual outfit and applied light make up before she headed down to her kitchen to do the morning activities.
Like a defaulted activities, Taeyeon took a slice of bread and toasted it on a pink toaster, a new-home gift from her best buddy, Tiffany Hwang.
The owner stood in silent and smiled like a fool while waited her simple breakfast to be ready.

Ting!

The ringing sound that indicated the toasted bread was ready to eat jolted Taeyeon from her daydream.
Taeyeon took her bread and made a glass of warm chocolate milk. 
The famous singer has simple style of breakfast: A slice of toasted bread and a glass of chocolate milk. Carbs and calcium, but still the body is magically stays slender and y.
After she finished her breakfast, Taeyeon took her ringing phone and heard her best friend’s voice on the other line.

Taetae where are you? – Tiffany.
I’m at my home, why Miyoung?- Taeyeon.
Don’t go anywhere. Don’t turn your TV on. Don’t you dare to open your SNS. Don’t you dare to do those things. I will go to your place right now- Tiffany.
W-What’s up Miyoung-ah you sounded weird? Why should I do that? Are you hiding something?- Taeyeon.
NO. JUST OBEY MY ORDER, YOU MIDGET. IF YOU BREAK MY ORDER YOU WILL REGRET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE- Tiffany.
Calm down, Miyoung-ah. Ok. Ok. I’ll do what you want. Afterall I don’t wanna lose my one and only speakerbox- Taeyeon.
YAH!! YOU!!..Ok good. Don’t go anywhere, I’m going to your place now- Tiffany.

“Weird speakerbox. Haha” laughed the midget weakly.
Taeyeon decided to go to her work room. Yes although a professional singer, Taeyeon has a special room for her to store all of her documents and doing the business contract with the related agency.
She took a medium blue box. She took a photo that looked so old. Two girls were posing cutely in their casual outfit after the hard training day. The photo was Taken after Girls’ generation did their debut.

KIM TAEYEON. JESSICA JUNG.  

She put that photo on the table, and took a red box. There were 2 rings inside the box. Taeyeon smiled happily, she was imagining the happy moment. After she thought deeply, finally the woman has courage to propose her group member who stole her heart since the first day they met.
Taeyeon was a simply introverted girl back in Jeonju. She loves to sing. Her family is not “artist blooded family”. Her father is a dentist, Her mother is a researcher in national health service, Jiwoong her older brother is a final year resident at Seoul National University Hospital and her younger sister, Kim Hayeon is a topper at her school.
Taeyeon is different.
She hates maths.
She hates sciences.
one thing she loves the most, Girl. Yes, Taeyeon is (secretly) gay.
Living in a conservative Asian country like Korea is a hard thing for people like her to freely express her true self. The introverted girl decided to keep this this as her secret, her darkest secret.

Being a gifted- girl made her effortlessly as the valedictorian at her school. Kim Taeyeon, the second children of Kim Tae Joon, the famous Periodontist.
Her father expected her to be a cardiologist but Taeyeon brutally rejected the command.
She ran away from her house to chase her true dream, being a singer.
The introverted girl started everything from the bottom.
She was at her friend’s house Park Jiyeon when she found a pamphlet from SM Entertainment.
She joined the competition and placed as the first winner. She was successfully stole everyone’s hearts. The Audience, The Judges, The PD, The MD. Some agencies have to bury the dream to get her sign since SM gave her exclusive contract as one of their artists.
Taeyeon felt happy, a step closer to make her dream come true.
It’s a big wrong assumption if everything will be easy as soon as she started her first day as trainee.
But Taeyeon, behind her introverted personality she has a great desire to chase her dream.
Vocal training, physical training, tight torturing diet program and other busy schedules surely tired her out.
One thing that being her motivation, being her reason to keep sticking on her dream.. her happy little pill, Jessica Jung or Taeyeon loves to call as Dear J.

Jessica was the first friend she made as soon as she stepped her feet at SM.
4 years earlier senior that warmly welcomed the shy girl from area. The two instantly made a great relationship. The Gay Taeyeon, slowly but sure grew this weird happy feeling every time they worked together. Every hard activity felt so lighter as long as the midget saw her happy little pill, her mood booster, her dopamine, Jessica Jung. Jessica on the other hand treated Taeyeon nicely. The Icy girl suddenly melted her cold wall when it came to Taeyeon. The two acted more than group mate, more than friends. Common friends didn’t kiss passionately on the lips, right?.

Both of Jessica and Taeyeon were clearly aware that their relationship was different, people around them were hard to accept the idea of same-gender relationship. Jessica who spent her childhood time in the states was never caring to what people said. One thing that she knew, she loves Taeyeon and Taeyeon loves her. That’s simple.

The different thing happened to Taeyeon. The introverted girl was worrying about their future. As the implementation, the two would secretly doing romantic dates and secretly spent their time together, Only Tiffany and Sunny who knew their “forbidden relationship”.

After 10 years of debut and 9 years of secret dating, Taeyeon finally has a courage to ask her girlfriend to be her wife. The petite Kim decided to propose Jessica Jung tonight.

On 2014, the younger girlfriend decided to withdraw herself from Girls’ Generation. Her reason was simple at that time: Tired of Stardom Life and wanted to take long-term break. Although the two were not team mates anymore, the faithful Taeyeon kept her promise to stay with her dearest J. The two were experts in hiding their relationship, this year their relationship hit the 9th year. Lucky 9, that’s what Taeyeon called. The midget decided to propose her secret girlfriend in a romantic dinner. She has been secretly prepared everything for a long time. All she need was courage.

Ting tong.

The ringing doorbell woke taeyeon from her daydream. She walked to the entrance door and opened the door. She saw Tiffany’s poker face expression plastered on that pretty face.
Tiffany directly grabbed Taeyeon’s hand and dragged the petite Kim to the sofa.
“W-What’s wrong Miyoung-ah?” asked Taeyeon in worried manner.
After the two sat on the sofa, Tiffany’s expression changed into calmer one.
“Taetae, listen me” stated Tiffany in softer tone.
Taeyeon blinked at Tiffany as the response.
“You have to be strong. Jessie is going to marry the CEO Kwon” stated Tiffany.
Taeyeon felt numb and did not know what thing to do. Her world seemed falling. The sudden revelation shocked her much until she could feel nothing.

Her J, Her dear J left her. She will marry a man.
Taeyeon couldn’t feel nothing, her body was pulled by her best friend, Tiffany Hwang.
And everything went black.

A/N :
First chapter is coming. 
Haha after some times of thinking, finally I have the courage to publish this chapter. I don’t know this story is going to be angst ending or happy ending one. Let’s figure it out together. Try to listen Dear J by JYJ when you guys are reading this chapter. I don't know it will suit your emotion or not, but I listened to it when wrote this first chapter and it helped me got the idea..haha.

I dedicated this story to my ex out there. Sorry for the sudden broke up. I have a reason that I couldn’t tell to you. I’ll just let you know that I’m a bastard who broke your heart shamelessly, that’s it. I hope you will find my substitute, A better one. You deserve to get better person than me. I hope you live your life well. Sleep well, Eat well and Don’t smoke anymore, it’s not good for your lungs.
Sorry I get so carried on, readers! Hahahah… my love life is ! 

Hope you guys like this imperfect chapter.
Constructive feedback and comments will be highly appreciated.
Love,
I_Summers.