---

She was smaller than she’d ever been before. The bookshelves towered over her; she was too weak to lift even a single story. Gentle fingertips brushed against the binding remorsefully, wondering what possibly could have gone wrong.

 

Lost.

 

She touched her temple, willing with what little strength she had left for the headaches to go away.

 

So this was what it felt like?

 

            “Don’t you dare!” So Rae squealed, trying to cover her stomach from possible attack. Soon she broke into a fit of giggles, “I- hehe- I get violent!”

 

            She grabbed desperately at the hands tickling her, “Really! Stop!” She put on a stern face and looked up into the eyes of her boyfriend. “Kim Hyunjoong, just wait until I get you back. I know your weakness!” Her heart melted at his apologetic, but also content, smile.

 

            Within moments, his strong arms were wrapped around her, rocking her. She could feel his breath tickling her neck. “You should really work on how ticklish you are. Some guy could take advantage of you.”

 

            So Rae blushed, shaking her head. “No worries, you’ll be there to protect me, right?” She glanced up, meeting his deep eyes. With no response and a bittersweet smile, he kissed her lightly on the forehead.

 

            She was on the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees. She clenched the fabric of her worn pajamas, ignoring how damp it was. Crumpled pieces of paper were strewn across the floor. Her phone was abandoned on the study desk just feet away from her.  

           

Betrayed.

 

            Near her cell phone, a dingy vase burdened with wilting roses lay knocked onto its side.

 

Why…?

 

“So Rae, will you go out with me?”

 

So Rae took everything in. The bowed head, the red face, the letter and the beautiful rose.

 

She looked to the ground, hiding her face with her hair, and murmured, “Kim Hyunjoong, what took you so long?”

 

“What?”

 

So Rae raised her head and met his gaze defiantly, “What took you so long?” At his confused expression, she let a smile slip. “Idiot.”

 

The worry plastered on his young face transformed into a ray of sunshine. She watched him tilt his head to the side and beam, “I’m so glad.”

 

            She gripped the shelf just above her, knocking off books, but with too little energy to care.

 

She stumbled back to her feet, once more bringing comfort and support from the lives bound in paper. Time was in slow motion. The refrigerator wasn’t getting any closer. She gave up on food and mechanically the tap.

 

            The sound came dull and muffled; she wandered away aimlessly.

 

Despair.

 

            She dragged herself through the doorway, hitting her right side on the frame.

 

            Was she so much better?

 

            So Rae grabbed his arm boldly.

 

            “What’s that for?”

 

His face was blushed.

 

“Oh, just showing all the girls you’re mine,” So Rae joked, snuggling up against his arm. He slipped out of her grasp. “Wha-?” She felt his arm around her shoulder suddenly pulling her closer to him.

 

“Oh, just showing all the boys you’re mine.”

 

So Rae gaped at up at him in incredulity.

 

His normally childish face was suddenly handsomer, more manly.

 

She looked away, “Use your own lines for once.”

 

He smiled tenderly down at her, “those guys had better keep their hands off.”

 

She pulled pictures from her pocket and threw them far away. She only kept one paper that caught her eye. A letter she was afraid to read…

 

She lifted the keys off the hook with as little effort as she could manage.

 

The beep of the answering machine wasn’t audible.

 

The stairway was silent except for the dull thump of her footsteps. It was noted sluggishly that it was cold. She had no coat.

 

Sadness.

 

She tugged on the door. The car was locked.

 

How could you?

 

“Oh no you don’t.”

 

So Rae pouted, “Oh, come on, you got this fancy car to not let me ride in it?”

 

A mischievous smile. “Pretty much.”

 

She rolled her eyes, “Cute, now unlock the car.”

 

“Can’t. Off limits to anyone besides my girlfriend.”

 

She put her hands on her hips, “I see. It’s not like she standing right in front of you or anything.”

 

The car started.

 

“Hyunjoong, I will drag you out of this fancy vehicle of yours-“ The door opened and closed, within moments his arms were wrapped around her waist.

 

“I don’t think you’ll need to, I’ll come on my own.”

 

So Rae huffed in disbelief and murmured playfully, “Once is once, I bet you your obedience won’t last long-“

 

“Forever.”

 

“Forever?” So Rae had been avoiding that word for so long. “Forever is a long time.”

 

His grip grew comfortably tighter, “And yet it still seems like not long enough with you.”

 

            The sun was too bright for how cloudy the world was. She trudged forward, leaving her car behind.

 

It was only a few blocks away.

 

The sidewalk was uneven. It was inconsistent.

 

She walked heavily onward. No one was walking around her. No one was giving her strange looks.

 

Abandoned.

 

She reached the park.

 

How long…?

 

“Hyunjoong-“ So Rae called when she saw her boyfriend. He was with another girl.

 

So Rae quickly hid behind a tree.

 

“How long are you going to drag this out?”

 

He paced a little, “I told you...”

 

Her grip on the tree unconsciously tightened.

 

“Do you know how long I’ve waited?”

 

She couldn’t hear his reply.

 

So Rae glanced around the edge of the tree, the girl was huddled closely to him, adoring him.

 

Just how So Rae used to.

 

He saw her; his expression changed immediately.

 

He looked sorry. Full of remorse…

 

She waited for him to explain, but he had nothing to say. He just stared at her with the same bittersweet look that he’d given her just the other day.

 

There’d been a reason.

 

The tears began to form. Before they could see, she turned and walked away.

 

She breathed deeply, keeping calm.

 

The girl was shallow.

 

Her hands clenched into a fist as she continued on. The fog in her brain cleared.

 

She hadn’t visited him once since then. It was the year anniversary...

 

She came to the path and hesitated. With shaking hands, she pulled a small parcel from her pocket and read.

 

            Regret.

 

            Gathering up her courage, she moved forward again.

 

            Why didn’t you follow me then..?

 

            Weeks passed without any contact. So Rae, confused and heartbroken, did her best to move on. She’d wasted years of her life on him…

 

            She took off work, crumpled their pictures and threw them on the floor… His books and keys were hidden among the regular day-to-day belongings. On the shelves, on the hook.

 

            She was at home one day, changing the roses in her desk vase when she got a call.

 

            “Hello?”

 

            “Is this Lee So Rae?”

 

            “This is she.”

 

            “I’ve come to understand that you are in close relations with Mr. Kim Hyunjoong?”

 

            She paused, wincing at the mention of his name.

 

            “I believe you are mistaken.” She casually picked up the vase and started rearranging the flowers again.

 

            “I see. Well, thank you for your time. If you’ve changed your mind, please visit the Chun Hei police station.”

 

So Rae hesitated for a moment before replying, “Wait… why do you think he knows me?”  

 

“He had multiple items regarding a So Rae in his pockets, ma’am. A number, quite a few pictures and a letter and-”

 

“Why do you have what were in his pockets? Is he in jail? Were they confiscated?”

 

“No, ma’am, nothing like that.”

 

She tried to sound annoyed, but her grip on the vase was gradually growing tighter with worry. “Well, then, what is it?”

 

“I’m terribly sorry to be the one to tell you this,” the young man on the other end of the line paused, “but I’m afraid that he’s passed away.”

 

So Rae dropped the phone and the vase on the table, spilling the water and the flowers, and hurried out the door.

 

So Rae bowed to the gravestone respectfully, but murmured harsh words, “Stupid.”

 

She bowed again, “Idiot.”

 

            She sat on her knees, utterly defeated.

 

            Alone.

 

            “If you’re going to apologize, at least do it while you’re alive."

 

She crumpled up the letter she'd received from the police department that day.

 

The letter that she'd forgotten about until today.

 

The letter that only now she had the courage to read.

 

"Mianhae," she whispered, letting out a strangled sob.

 

He still loved me...

---

a/n

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH~ For reading this ridiculous fic of mine. I was all over the place @=@ I'm especially apologetic for the formatting~ But I'm not changing it.. because I like it. =^-^=

A bit of an open fic for me. I was set on a depressing story (depressing music, haha) and it ended up being this. I wasn't quite sure how I'd end it once I started it...

What was going through Hyunjoong's mind is up to you. I know exactly what his reasons are in mine. :)

Another important note! When writing this, I did not think of the possibility of him commiting suicide. XD I innocently thought it would be assumed he got hit by a car or something...

Yes, he's laughing at your silly minds right now.