“If it’s a truth that can be cast away.

we are better off with a permanent mistake.

If our voices are shrouded in cowardice,

we only need to reveal them with our own hands.”

The sun shone brightly, a shaft of golden sunlight was flashing through the mirrored walls. His eyes were so fixated to one figure that shone brightest under the sunlight, the blonde hair competed against the ray of the light and it was burning his eyes. He was trying to focus on the bundle of papers in his hands but his eyes and his mind betrayed him. It had been 10 years since the last time he felt his heartbeat dancing in a familiar but uncontrollable rhyme.

His eyes was back to focus on the papers in his hands as two people were coming to his direction. He could feel his heart beat faster than before. The guy beside him took a deep bow and did some introduction in a language he rarely heard though it was his mother language.

“This is our CEO.” He stood up and put the bundle of the papers on the table. His eyes met with the blonde haired guy’s as the shock expression in that fairy face was shown clearly. The same expression he had a few minute ago when he saw that guy entered the room he was in,

“Eun Ji Won.” He forced his lips to form a simple smile but it was so difficult, the racing of his heartbeat wildered. His trembling hand stretched out as a symbol to shake hand. The other guy was still busy examining him – of course he would, it had been 10 years since they met.

“Hyu---ah, Eun Ji Won-ssi. It is nice to see you again.” He shook Ji Won’s hand and both of them could feel the cold yet warm and nervousness they felt. That man smiled, the bright and the broad smile that always lied in his beautiful face and Ji Won missed it.

“It is nice to meet you too, Kang Sung Hoon-ssi.” He replied. Ji Won missed everything. He missed everything about Kang Sung Hoon. His small figure that didn’t change –he was still as small as before, his pale skin, his voice that got deeper, and also the closeness they once had in the past. Many things changed in his life since Kang Sung Hoon’s sudden disappearance but he didn’t look for him or try to get him back even though he exactly knew where Sung Hoon went, he let it pass as one of the thing he could learn to grow up. It was a lie if he forgot everything about him, sometimes the memories of the past unravelled the wall he had built and he would be overwhelmed by the thought of the past. And in this second, Eun Ji Won was trying his best to overcome the memories that filled every nook and cranny in his mind.

In the past they were so close, so close that they could be labelled as family. They met when both of them had been studying in Hawaii, 15 years ago. They lived together –spending most of their time playing around, diving, drinking, smoking though they were minors. They practically had grown up together under the heat of the tropical country as the changing of their feeling got hotter following the sun that always burned their skins and tore apart everything they had.

***

“Hyung!” Sung Hoon whispered into Ji Won’s ear with his half sleep voice. Ji Won didn’t care, he turned his body to cuddle Sung Hoon tighter.

“Hyung, the bell!” He protested as he tried to free his body from Ji Won’s but it was useless.

“Ignore it.” Sung Hoon fully woke up, the bell was ringing louder and it disturbed his sleep.

“It was your girlfriend, hyung. You promised to accompany her today right?” Ji Won still didn’t reply, he snuggled and Sung Hoon gave up.

“She will be mad again and I don’t want to clean up your mess.” Sung Hoon shook Ji Won’s body harder, the older guy seemed a bit annoyed and decided to wake up.

“Okay, okay I get it.” He stood up and walked toward the door.

“What time is it, Ji Won?” The brown haired girl was showing an angry face as she kept pointing the watch on her wrist.

“I’m sorry, Ainsley. I stayed up till this morning though, wait inside! I’ll be ready in minutes.” The Caucasian girl sighed as she was walking to the living room.

“No wonder you always broke up with your girlfriend within two months boy, you are so annoying.” Ji Won frowned but he didn’t deny. It had been almost one year since he dated Ainsley and it was the longest relationship he ever had. The other girls he dated so far couldn’t tolerate with his bad habit, he never was on time. But Ainsley was someone he already knew for three years, they went to same club so instead of bombing him with call she chose to go to his house. Less trouble, that was what she thought.

“Morning, Ainsley. You are such a persistent girl.” Sung Hoon washed his face with towel and Ainsley only smirked.

“Morning? This is already 1 pm, if you don’t know that. I don’t understand why lazy people like both of you can live together in the first place.” Sung Hoon laughed. He also didn’t understand, they just matched each other very well. They had the same pattern sleep, they liked the same food, they had the same hobby, although their personality was like water and fire but they never once fought, they understood each other too well.  

“We are not lazy, we just don’t like waking up in the morning.” Ainsley glared at Sung Hoon but in the next second they laughed together.

“What a pointless debate. Thank you anyway, if you didn’t wake him up, I would be a grandma already.” That girl had known Sung Hoon for three years and she knew, despite Ji Won childish and harsh personality there was Sung Hoon who became a steady pace in his life. Ainsley heard a few rumour about both of them back then, they were so famous for their dancing and singing skills, also for their closeness. Many people gossiped about them being gay because of the skinship they showed in public. She was so shocked at first when she saw them, but as time went by she didn’t mind it. They are from different culture. They were nice guys who easily blended with people from different environments. Ji Won was a charismatic person, probably that was the reason she fell for him and there was a quiet Sung Hoon who smiled a lot and always became the first one who backed Ji Won up. But then she realized, there was something, something that was stronger than the friendship they had. The something that both of them also didn’t know growing up in their hearts.

“What is this atmosphere?” Ji Won’s voice filled the silent air between Sung Hoon and Ainsley. They were busy with their own minds and they didn’t notice Ji Won’s arrival.

“Let’s go, Ainsley.” The girl puzzled for a few second before standing up and walked toward him.

“Hyung, your collar!” Sung Hoon said as his hands made a gesture around his neck. Ainsley looked at Ji Won’s neck and nothing was wrong. Sung Hoon came closer and fixed the wrinkle part in the right side of the collar that barely would be noticed. Many Ji Won’s ex-girlfriends were so jealous with Sung Hoon and Ainsley knew the reason, because it was only Sung Hoon who would notice if there was something off with Ji Won in only a glimpse.

“Okay, okay. We are off!” Ji Won patted Sung Hoon’s head before leaving. Ainsley watched their figures for a while. Stupid, she thought.

***

The limitlessly expanding blue sky was slowly turning into crimson. The deep and beautiful colour was shown on the surface of the sea as the reflection of the crimson sky. Her green eyes were observing the Asian guy beside him. The back that felt very lonely as it longed for something yet it didn’t know what thing it actually sought.

 “Hey, Ji Won. Let’s break up.” She murmured, the guy turned his back to face her but she chose to look at the wave as she felt the wind that blew from the land to the sea.

“You won’t find something you are seeking when you are with me,” she added but this time she faced Ji Won.

“You never love me, Ji Won.” She smiled but tears were flowing onto her cheeks. The empty feeling that she and the other girls felt was that they had Ji Won but they never held into the guy’s heart. Ji Won always treated her as if she was a queen despite his childishness, Ji Won was so gentle but she could feel that in their relationship they lacked on something and it was Ji Won’s feeling for her.

“What bull are you babbling, Ainsley?” Ji Won gripped her shoulder. She could feel his anger and confusion transferring into her body.

“Ji Won, with who you feel the happiest? Who is someone you don’t want to lose? Is there someone you want to be with? Is there someone you feel so comfortable with? Is there someone that make your heart pound in the beat that you don’t understand?” Ji Won didn’t answer.

“You are thinking about Sung Hoon, aren’t you?” Ji Won loosed the grip as one of his hand fell from her shoulder.

“This is the stupidest reason for breaking up a girl has ever said to me.”  Ainsley laughed. She leaned her back beside Ji Won.

“It has been three years since we met right? At first I thought there is nothing special between you and Sung Hoon but after being your girlfriend I see you guys from different perspective. I keep on asking myself, why are they so close, why they have their own world, why Ji Won always chooses him over me, does Ji Won ever love me, why I can’t understand Ji Won better than Sung Hoon, why does this relationship feel so empty? And as time goes by, I realized that I never have your heart, your heart only belongs to Sung Hoon but the funny thing is both of you don’t even realize that you love each other.” Ji Won’s mind went blank. If what Ainsley said was true then he could complete the puzzle he had looked so far. For the things he didn’t know growing up in his heart. But no, Sung Hoon was like his younger brother, he couldn’t love someone who was like his family.

“I don’t say this because I hate you. I just want you to be happy, that’s all.”

***

“Hyung, stop drinking already!” Sung Hoon took the beer in Ji Won’s hand as he extinguished the cigarette in Ji Won’s other hand.

“Give it to me, Hoon-ie.” Ji Won cried with his drunk voice. He kept clinging on Sung Hoon as a protest to make the younger guy gave back his beer.

“Just how many cans, have you drunk, hyung? You are 22 year old already but every time you are drunk you always act like a kid.” Sung Hoon tried to get off from him but it was no use, Ji Won’s strength always became triple when he was drunk.

“Hoon­-ie.” Ji Won hugged him tighter and lost his balance to withstand their weights. They fell to the floor and the bump voice clearly was heard.

“It hurts.” Sung Hoon grinned, he opened his eyes and found Ji Won above him – staring at him. His heart was racing all of sudden, the smell of Ji Won filled his nose like a delicate fragrance mixed with the reeks of alcohol and cigarette. Ji Won didn’t say anything as the older guy lied his head on his chest, Sung Hoon smiled and patted Ji Won’s head.

“Hoon-ie.” Ji Won mumbled and Sung Hoon only gave him a ‘hmm’ answer. He raised his head up, he looked deep into Sung Hoon’s eyes. Ainsley’s words suddenly lingered in his mind your heart only belongs to Sung Hoon. Was it true? Did he really love Sung Hoon? Or was it pure only the feeling of a big brother to his younger brother?

“Hyung, what is wrong?” His eyes now were on Sung Hoon’s pink lips. He didn’t know that lips were that irresistible and the second later, he could feel his lips on Sung Hoon’s lips. His body suddenly became hot and his heart pounded crazily. It was not his first kiss but this was the first time for Ji Won to feel the sensation of a simple kiss. He was about to stick his tongue before his mind came back to its sense. Damn. He parted his lips and lied to Sung Hoon’s chest, he could hear the heartbeat in that guy as crazy as his own heartbeat.

I’m sorry. Ji Won knew their feeling reciprocated but he couldn’t bring his face to approach Sung Hoon. He was a coward after all so he pretended to be asleep though Sung Hoon would notice this. That night Ji Won awoke something he should have never touched, that night both of them realized the something they kept on searching. The fact that was buried within their hearts, the fact that they loved each other.

***

Their days came back to normal. Sung Hoon never said anything about the kiss and Ji Won never brought that topic up. Ji Won kept on avoiding Sung Hoon if the younger guy was about to ask him something. He knew it was his fault but he didn’t know how to handle this situation, they couldn’t easily become a lover because when they became lover once they broke up, they would lose everything – their friendship and their brotherhood. And that was the thing, Ji Won tried to protect.

“You are so stupid.” Ainsley curled her lips on him but Ji Won didn’t care, he knew he was a big idiot. He put his phone back to his pocket as he only glared to the name on the screen. Kang Sung Hoon.

“You ignored his call? Wow, I’m seeing something so extraordinary.” He cursed and hit her head lightly.

“You will regret once you lose him, you know that right?” The words Ainsley said to him were so fresh in his mind and now he found his house in an empty darkness as it lost the other half. He couldn’t find Sung Hoon in his room and he noticed that half of Sung Hoon’s belongings weren’t there anymore. Ji Won’s body was trembling. It was his punishment. 

***

The smell of tobacco filled his nose, the smoke of cigarette was blowing around him. He looked up at the azure sky as he put the cigarette to his mouth and inhaled it. His mind was wandering, it had been three hours since he met Kang Sung Hoon and he was this mess already. He was glad for at least he could perform well during his company presentation.

“You are here?” Sung Hoon entered the smoking room and he could smell Ji Won’s cigarette filled his beak. He used to have the same brand of cigarette like Ji Won, but since that kiss accident the taste of cigarette in his mouth wouldn’t want to leave and every time he smelled that brand his mind always reminded him of the kiss he had with Ji Won.

“You are still having that brand, hyung?” Sung Hoon asked, Ji Won didn’t answer as he was only staring at Sung Hoon. Holy crap! I automatically called him hyung. Old habit is so scary.

“I’m sorry.” He said as he lit his cigarette with his lighter.

“It’s okay….. Hoon-ie.” Sung Hoon smiled as he whirled the smoking from his mouth. It felt so different the way both of them called each other with their old nicknames. But the truth was, they realized how much they missed those simple nicknames to be called by the same voice that the owner still filled a specific part in their hearts.

“I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you wanted to be a singer or designer.” Ji Won spoke up as he flicked his cigarette.

“I need to inherit this company though. Ten years ago, my dad was in comma, my mom begged me to continue this company.” 10 years ago, ah so it was his reason. Ji Won knew Sung Hoon too well, even with his sudden disappearance he knew Sung Hoon had his reason to do that but the reason was something that Ji Won never looked or asked for.

“I’m also surprised to see you here, hyung. This serious image doesn’t suit you at all.” Ji Won ruffled that blonde hair and the younger guy tried to stop him.

“I’m 30 years old, don’t treat me like a kid!” Sung Hoon pouted yet he laughed. He didn’t know that meeting Ji Won again would be this easy.

“Oh, you are already 30 years old? But Sung Hoon-ah, you didn’t get taller, did you?” Ji Won teased, Sung Hoon glared at him fiercely.

“I’m kidding! Stop staring at me like that!” there was a long silent, both of them were so busy reminiscing about each other in their minds, about the things that had changed and the things that had stayed same.

“Hyung, are you married?” Sung Hoon asked, his tone didn’t change but Ji Won could feel the uneasiness in that voice.

“Why you asked?” Ji Won inhaled his cigarette again. He didn’t look at Sung Hoon,

“I don’t know. I’m just curious.” Sung Hoon flicked his cigarette as he observed the ashes that fell into the holes in the floor.

“Do you think I’m that kind of man who believes in marriage?”

“Well, for a playboy like you maybe not.” Ji Won grinned but then he was laughing a long with Sung Hoon.

“How about you?” he asked Sung Hoon back and he only replied with shaking his head and showing his empty fingers.

“I will be shocked though if you get married before me.”

“What did that mean?” Ji Won shrugged as he was puffing on his cigarette. He promised to himself, long time ago, if he had a chance to meet Sung Hoon in a normal circumstance he would tell him what he truly felt. But now, to have a normal conversation with him again after 10 years. He didn’t have the courage to do it. He knew he would regret everything like he did 10 years ago but he was only a coward. He couldn’t bear it, the thought of him losing something that he already had. He was so afraid for losing his friend and his younger brother, Kang Sung Hoon. Their feeling was not as simple as love, it wasn’t only about them. Once, one of them revealed their true feeling, it would change everything. They may lose many things but they would be happy as long as they were together. But would they be together forever? That question was the thing that kept lingering in his mind. It wasn’t that simple. Their feeling was not that simple. Ji Won loosed his tie and he put out his cigarette. Let’s comeback to reality, Eun Ji Won.

“Where are you going, hyung?” Sung Hoon asked.

“To the bathroom. The meeting is gonna start, right?” Ji Won answered, he didn’t look back. Sung Hoon sighed, you are running away again, huh? It was only his lonely back he had watched back then too, the back that wanted to convey something to him but the words didn’t reach him. The back he wished to hug but he knew he couldn’t. With this, Sung Hoon was sure of one thing Ji Won still loved him.

“Hyung, why didn’t you ask the reason I left you without words?” Sung Hoon raised his volume, Ji Won who was about to open the door stopped his movement.

“You called me once right? Yet I didn’t answer you.”

“I’m never mad because it is you, you will always have your own reason.” He continued. It was my punishment.

It was your punishment hyung, for the things you tried to solve by yourself. Even until today, you keep acting like a big brother right? Sung Hoon also didn’t wish for anything as fancy as lover. He knew they loved each other and it was enough, he only wanted Ji Won to keep on looking at him like the way he looked at him before. Maybe Ji Won didn’t realize, since they kissed that night. Ji Won’s eyes were full with fear and it sickened him. That day, his mom called him and asked him to go back to Korea because of his dad, he tried to call Ji Won once but he knew Ji Won ignored him purposely. So he decided to leave, to leave this unsettling feeling under the burning country.

“Hey, hyung. Wanna have a drink at my house? I have your favourite wine.” Sung Hoon tapped his cigarette and Ji Won looked back with a smile in his face.

“Of course.” This time they knew, they didn’t need to settle anything. They couldn’t change the fact that they loved each other but the truth was that love itself was an unspoken one. They didn’t need to convey what they felt because their hearts already understood. They loved each other and it was true but how they worked out to express their love was the difference. And this time they chose to express their love like how they did 15 years ago.

The azure sky was looming over his eyes as the blonde haired guy filled his retinas. The same blue sky which he saw when he first met him. His figure was burning up but he chose to hold him, like what he did 15 years ago, he extended his hand.

“Let’s get along well.”

The End