How could you be so stupid?

Your cheeks burnt in embarrassment and humiliation as you stared down at your feet. Minseok stood in front of you, his cheeks burning too, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N.” he said, feeling guilty for hurting you. You laughed lightly, begging your tears to not fall.

“It’s fine, Minseok, I understand.” you said, laughing it off again and wiping under your eyes.

“Y/N-”

“I’m going home, okay? Get some rest.” you said, standing up, grabbing your coat and bag.

“Wait, can we-”

“See you later, Minseok.” you cut him off again, putting your coat on and making your way towards the front door.

“Y/N, please listen-”

“To what?” you snapped, turning on him instantly. “Listen to how ‘we should just stay friends’? You want me to stay so I can listen to how pathetic I’m being? So I can hear just how much you really don’t have time for a girlfriend? Do you get a kick out of hurting me or something?”

“No! I don’t! Y/N please just stay and listen to me!”

“No, Minseok, I’m leaving.” you said dismissively, turning away and leaving out the front door. 

He didn’t go after you.

*

“I just don’t understand.” your best friend said, staring at you with sympathy from across the table. 

“Me neither.” I muttered angrily, stirring your drink with a little too much aggression.

“It’s not like dating you would take up more time that it did when you were just friends.” you friend continued and you nodded, slumping back in your seat.

“Who was I kidding, honestly? How could I honestly think Xiumin would like somebody like me.”

“Hey, I’m having none of that,” he said sternly. “You are absolutely perfect and he’s an ignorant for not seeing that.”

You allowed your mouth to pull up into a weak smile, though you didn’t believe his words. He was your best friend; it was part of his job description to say things like that.

“I think I’m just gonna go home, okay? Drive safely.” you muttered, yawning loudly and stretching. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, standing up with you. “You seem tired. I can drive you home if you want.”

“No, I’m fine. I was just a bit drowsy from sitting still for so long, that’s all.”

“Okay, well, see you soon, Y/N.”

“You too.”

*

“I’m so sorry, Y/N… We caught it too late. The cancer cells have spread from your spine across to your vital organs. There is nothing we can do.”

You laughed bitterly, allowing the tears to flow down your face uninterrupted, sitting alone on your hospital bed. This wasn’t how it was all supposed to go. You were meant to be with Minseok and live out your days happily. Now what? You were the most alone you had ever been and you were dying at an alarming rate. The beeping off the heart monitor annoyed you to no end. You couldn’t sleep with the noise going right down your ear and the noises that your IV line made sometimes brought you to the brink of insanity. Is this what the rest of your life was going to be like? It was dreadful. Honestly, in that moment, you just wanted it all to end.

The next morning, when the sun had risen, you awoke to your best friend sitting at the end of your bed, staring straight at you.

“Morning.” you croaked, shifting so you were sitting properly.

“How are you feeling?”

“Rather like I’m dying, funnily enough.” 

He cocked an eyebrow and eyes you weirdly but decided not to comment. 

“So,” he started awkwardly. “Have you told him?”

You sighed, looking away from him and out the window.

“No.” you exhaled quietly and he nodded, shuffling awkwardly in his seat and playing with his fingers.

“Are you going to?”

“Why should I?” you asked, turning to face him again. He furrowed his brows at you, as if the answer was simple.

“Because you love him?”

“Like.” you corrected. “Besides, that doesn’t matter. He doesn’t like me like that. He hasn’t even tried to contact me since I left his house, crying! He doesn’t even know if I’m alive or not.”

He sighed, leaning back in his chair as you calmed down.

The nights were the worst. For some reason, all of the pain you had ever felt in your entire life seemed to barrel into you, reducing you to a sobbing, ruined mess. You were tired, your entire body was on fire and you just wanted Minseok to at least care about you enough to call you. Why hadn’t he called? Did you ruin your friendship? Did he think that you were just an annoying girl that begged for his attention now?

You didn’t want that. You didn’t want this. You wanted to be in your own bed, snuggled up with a crappy film on, not hunched over on your hospital bed, trying to keep your dinner down and wondering where Minseok was. This isn’t how you imagined your life going at all.

*

You woke up with a groan, your body still aching relentlessly. Your eyes remained shut as you frowned, hand reaching up to cover your eyes from the harsh sunlight. A headache was pressing against the front of your head and your stomach was unsettled. Immediately, tears filled your eyes. 

Was this what you had left? A short life filled with agony? Constant vomiting? You let out a dry sob, turning onto your side and curling up into a ball. Tears leaked down your face and you buried your face into your pillow to stifle your sobs. The last thing you needed was a nurse coming to investigate.

Where was Minseok? Why didn’t he care anymore? You hated this feeling, this constant dull ache in your stomach. You just wanted your friend here with you whilst you got through this alone, you didn’t need him to love you. You just didn’t want to be alone.

*

The fourth day passed slowly and your best friend could only drop in to see you quickly on his lunch break from work before he had to go back, and by the time his shift ended visiting hours were over. It was very quiet on the ward that day, even the nurses seemed subdued. The beeping of your heart beat had softened into the background now and you could focus on your own thoughts. Perhaps, though, while you were in this situation, that wasn’t a good thing.

Where was Minseok?

*

Soon enough, two weeks had passed and there had been no sign of Minseok. Your best friend was currently telling you about the rudeness of his boss and you could barely even muster the energy to smile at his exaggerated antics.

Gradually, he realised that something was bothering you, and his arms dropped down to his sides, looking at you with a sadness you had never seen in his eyes before.

“Have you told him?” was the question that you were getting sick of. You didn’t want to hear it; of course you weren’t going to tell him. He didn’t care, so why even bother? “You haven’t got long, Y/N. I know that you don’t like talking about that stuff, but you have to face it soon enough.”

“I know.”

“How long did the doctor say you’ve got now?”

“Few days.”

He sighed, coming and sitting next to you, gently picking your hand up from the bed and lacing his fingers between your unresponsive ones. 

“You’re being so rude to me right now, leaving me like this.”

“Sorry.”

“You should be. We were going to go to Lotte World this summer, remember? Now what? Who am I going to go with? So disrespectful.”

You had to give it to him, he was very good at making light of a dark situation. He didn’t let you see how bothered he was by your death looming around the corner. He kept on joking with you and treating you normally and it was invaluable to you. You didn’t want to have to deal with tears and sadness; you had enough of that from yourself.

“I’m going to miss you, you big idiot.” you muttered, making him smile softly.

“Put in a good word for me with God, won’t you?”

“Of course.”

 

“You had better get your ing over here right now.”

“What? Who is this? What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about Y/N! Her room number is 208 at the general hospital, you better be here.”

“What? Y/N? Hospital? Who are- Wait!”

 

Minseok sprinted through the hallways, counting the numbers on the door as he went. He dodged nurses, doctors and patients as he got closer and closer to the number he needed to get to. Why was she in hospital? Is that why she hadn’t been answering his calls? 

It wasn’t serious, it couldn’t be. If she was in here for anything more serious than a broken bone, then she would have called him. Definitely. Everything was fine and he was working himself up over nothing.

“208!” he exclaimed suddenly, pulling to a stop outside her door. The sudden exclamation startled nearby staff and patients but he didn’t even notice, too busy barging into your room.

His world rolled to a standstill as he froze in the doorway, taking in the sight in front of him. There you lay, completely motionless. Bruising splotched across your entire body - that was visible to him - and they were stark against your white skin. Your skin hung off your frame, your weight having melted off in such a short period of time. You looked so frail and weak that Minseok didn’t even know what to do.

So he burst into tears. 

His body stumbled across the room to your body and he collapsed into the chair next to it, gripping your hand as tightly as he could, sniffling loudly as more tears leaked down his face.

Grief. That’s the only word he could use to describe the way he was feeling at that moment. Completely, Earth-shattering grief to such an extent that he couldn’t even compose himself for a second before bursting into another round of tears.

“Wha-?” you mumbled, head rolling to one side and eyes peeling open slowly. You gazed around the room before you felt a tight grip on your hand and you turned to your left to see Minseok’s tear-stained face. “Minseok?”

He sobbed again, holding your hand to his lips and kissing it gently. Your eyes welled up and you gripped onto him with as much vigour as you could.

“Hi there.” you whispered, voice cracking.

“Hey.” he said, giving you a watery smile.

You sat in silence, just staring at each other. With him right there next to you, holding onto your hand like it was his life-line, you felt at peace. You didn’t mind that he didn’t love you the way that you wanted him to love you, because you weren’t going to be here to experience it even if he did. 

You felt… light. Like you weighed nothing at all. Was this it? Were you finally going to die, clutching onto Minseok’s hand? Like this?

“Love you.” you muttered, slumping back against the pillows. His breathing hitched, looking at you with wet, puffy eyes. 

“What?” he asked, voice hoarse.

“I love you.” you said, slightly tired. Your vision dimmed and your grip on his hand slackened, making him hold on tighter.

“I love you too,” he said loudly, making your smile faintly before your body slackened, a resounding beep echoing through the room. “Y/N? Y/N, open your eyes. Y/N! Y/N please! Don’t go, please! I love you! I love you too, don’t leave me!”

And just like that, you were gone, still holding onto Minseok’s hand.