You stand in the center of your nearly empty bedroom. A few boxes lie scattered around filled with things you would not be taking. Most of your belongings had already been shipped to your dorm weeks ago, leaving you with only a suitcase and a small duffle bag to bring with you. The realization that you would not step foot here for four years had finally burrowed its way into your head and brought with it a swelling sadness in your chest. You shake your head, reminding yourself that this is a new start and that dwelling on the sentimentality will only hold you back. Turning to the mirror leaning against the wall, you look over yourself. Your t-shirt is slightly wrinkled, your jeans faded from too many washes, your shoes worn from countless adventures outside, but you did not care – you would be sitting on a plane for over half the day, you were choosing comfort over fashion. Your eyes trail up to your hair, untamable strands sticking out, and to the glasses that sit slightly eschewed on the bridge of your nose. You laugh silently to yourself; of course Yongguk could never see you as anything more than his little sister when you dressed like this. You are trying to smooth out the wrinkles of your shirt when there is a knock on your door and your mother enters.

“Are you ready to go, sweetie?”

You stop tugging on your shirt and turn to her, “Yeah, as ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s go.” She nods and grabs the handle of your suitcase and you follow her with your bag slung over your shoulder. You do not bother looking back.

The ride to the airport is quiet as you watch the landscape speed past. You had told the boys not to come, fearing that having them there would make your goodbye that much more difficult. However, you expected nothing less as you are met with their yells as you enter the airport. They surround you, shouting various farewells and tugging you into back-breaking hugs. You notice that Yongguk hangs back, waiting for the wild madness to die down, knowing better than to fight his way through the mass of bodies. When you are finally allowed space to breathe, Yongguk approaches you, pulling you silently into his chest. You freeze in his embrace, not entirely sure what to do. You feel his arms wrap around you and press you even closer to him. With shaking hands, you cling to the sides of his shirt and take a deep breath. The scent of pine and leather swirl around you, calming the nerves you thought you had suppressed. The hug seems to last for hours, but it is over as quickly as it happened.

Someone slaps your back and Youngjae is telling you something, but none of it makes sense to you. Your brain has frozen trying to comprehend what just happened. Daehyun grabs your shoulders and begins to shake you, “Hello, anyone there? Your flight leaves in 30 minutes! You still need to check in and go through security!” His voice breaks through your fog and you fumble to grab your bags, giving them all one final wave and rushing off to the check in counter. They keep as close as they can as you make your way through security. When you pass through, you can hear them all shout one last goodbye, earning themselves many glares, but they continue to wave until you can no longer see them. You suddenly feel empty and alone, as if six pieces of you had just been ripped away. Yet again you are left to sift through your emotions and find the hidden meaning behind Yongguk’s sudden show of affection.

—

The hushed tones of half-asleep passengers threaten to lull you back under the waves of unconsciousness as you stand at the baggage claim. It is late afternoon but your body is sure you are still at your university, which lies slumbering somewhere around 3 A.M. Your eyelids droop heavily, but thankfully your suitcase comes into sight and you tug it off the carousel and set off towards the doors.

The frosted glass doors slide open and you sluggishly stumble through, but you are suddenly jerked to full attention at the loud chorus of shouts that greet you. Waiting off to the side stands a group of six men holding signs, balloons, and even a stuffed bear. You are barely able to comprehend what is going on before the mob descends upon you and you are squished between chests. You squirm against the chaos, fighting for air. You sink to your knees and crawl between the legs of the tallest, gasping as your lungs meet open air. A familiar hand appears before your face and you hold onto it, letting the man pull you to your feet. The wild pack still cheers behind you, unaware of your escape.

“Welcome home,” Yongguk says with a bright smile.

You feel as if all the oxygen has been out of your lungs again. Yongguk still has such an effect on you, despite four years, thousands of miles apart, and a vow to relinquish all feelings for him. He has not changed much - his hair is a bit longer, now pulled back into a small ponytail, and light stubble peppers his chin, but his skin is still a radiant gold and his smile still stirs the butterflies in your stomach. You try feebly to wrangle the butterflies back into their cage.

“It’s good to be back,” you reply with a smile of your own. Yongguk nods and moves towards you, his arms beginning to rise slowly.

“___! Welcome back!” your eyes grow wide when your feet are lifted off the ground and you find yourself facing back the way you came. “Let’s go home!” Junhong cheers as he adjusts you on his shoulder and strides towards the exit.

“Be careful with her! We just got her back,” Himchan scolds from a few steps behind. He looks up at you and flashes a grin, “It’s lovely to have you home again.”

“You guys must have really missed me,” you huff as Junhong’s shoulder digs into your diaphragm, “And Junhong, how did you grow so much?” You glance up to find the others: Daehyun and Youngjae are not far behind, and Jongup trails behind them, somehow getting stuck with all the gifts tucked in his arms. Yongguk follows shortly behind, taking in the rowdy bunch before him.

You really are home.

—

Music blares in your ears as another shot of soju burns the back of your throat. Himchan planned a graduation party for you, Daehyun, and Youngjae, the latter two having returned home a few days prior. You take in the paper streamers hanging from every available surface, the rainbow assortment of balloons that float across the floor with every movement of drunken dancing, and the copious amounts of food and liquor strewn about the dining table and kitchen counters. Yongguk and Himchan’s new, larger apartment simply meant Himchan could throw grander parties.

“Himchan really outdid himself this time,” you hiccup under your breath.

“___, come dance!” Junhong tugs on your wrist and you do not have the strength to deny him. He pulls you over to where Jongup is moving in a manner that seems to be dancing, but the alcohol has drastically impared his moves. You slowly begin to dance as best you can through the fog in your brain. Junhong laughs at your attempt and you playfully swat his chest.

“Hey, you don’t look any better, noodle legs,” you tease. Junhong collapses to the ground in a fit of giggles and you take it as your chance to escape.

You make your way to the kitchen for some water, kicking the balloons in front of you to clear a path. As you pass by the the television, you bump into Youngjae who is battling as swaying Daehyun in karaoke. Youngjae does not notice, too focused on telling Daehyun that he missed a word and therefore lost. Daehyun pays him no mind, instead he increases his volume and continues singing. You plug your ears with your fingers and scurry away from the siren boy.

You at last find refuge in the kitchen and it appears as if Yongguk has done the same.

“Escaping the madness?” Yongguk asks while he checks the ramen that boils on the stove.

“What gave it away?” you open the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of water.

Yongguk moves the pot from the burner and sets it on a heat pad, “You ran in here with your hands over your ears.”

“Daehyun’s singing has really improved. Although I didn’t know his volume could go even higher,” you unscrew the lid of the bottle and press it to your lips, downing half of its contents in one long gulp.

“He was in a lot of musicals while at university. Those really helped him improve. Himchan and I were able to make it to most of them,” Yongguk pulls a pair of chopsticks from a utensil holder and holds them out to you, “Want some?”

“Oh, sure, thanks,” you reach out to take the chopsticks from him, stepping closer to the pot of ramen. “I feel bad that I wasn’t able to come see him perform,” you say meekly as you poke at the noodles.

Yongguk chuckles at your pout, “It’s alright, he bought a copy of every single performance so he could show you when you came back.”

You look up at Yongguk in shock, “No way.”

Yongguk nods his head, “Yep. He already has a schedule set in place for you to watch them. It’ll probably take you a few months to get through them since he likes to replay his parts.”

You groan at the thought of being stuck with Daehyun for hours while he commentates. You angrily shove some noodles into your mouth while Yongguk laughs beside you, a plan forming in your head on how to avoid Daehyun for the next six months.

You and Yongguk finish the ramen in silence. “I’ll clean up, you can go back to the party,” he says.

Full of warmth and laden with liquor, you shuffle back to the couch and plop down with a sigh. The late hour and soju had begun to take a toll on everyone. Junhong snores quietly on the floor and Jongup rests slouched in a chair. Daehyun and Youngjae now sit on the floor playing Mario Kart, but their characters keep colliding into walls as their eyelids droop. You figure Himchan had retired to his room long ago.

The calmer atmosphere rocks you gently to sleep. You look upon your friends once more, a sudden happiness filling your heart at being back with them. You can no longer fight against the drowsiness that pulls you under and you give in, settling your head on one of the couch cushions. You are not sure how long you are asleep, but you feel a blanket being pulled over you. Your eyes crack open and you see the back of a retreating figure before the world goes black.

—

The next couple of weeks are hectic with job hunting and interviews that you barely have time to see the boys. Yongguk and Himchan work endlessly as a deadline for new song approaches, Daehyun shuttles between teaching vocal lessons and musical rehearsals, Youngjae has to travel for photoshoots, and Jongup and Junhong are squeezing in as many internship hours as possible before their final year of university. Scheduling a time that works for all of you to meet up and relax is near impossible.

You frown at Youngjae’s text.

1:12 pm: Sorry, ___. I’ll be out of town all weekend to scout locations for a new shoot I’m planning. Good luck at your interview!

A sigh escapes your chest and you toss your phone onto your bed; being an adult is no fun when you cannot even hang out with your friends whom you spent the last four years away from. You turn to face yourself in the mirror, adjusting your blouse and straightening the hem of your skirt. You reach for a pair of sleek black pumps and slip them on. Four years ago you would have never worn anything like this, especially heels. You cringe at the way you used to dress- completely mismatched clothes that were faded and ill-fitted to your shape, and always with a pair of dusty sneakers. You silently thank your freshman year roommate who dragged you out to the mall before classes started and helped you pick out new styles that were actually from the current decade.

You reminisce fondly on all the ways you had changed in those four years. You now wore contacts, you had finally learned how to manage and style your hair, and you learned the magical effects of makeup. Although you still prefered to wear comfortable clothes and forgo makeup on most days, you genuinely enjoyed dressing up now.

However, one thing did not change. Your feelings for Yongguk, which you had sworn to lock up and throw away, still lingered in the depths of your heart. When you first moved away you promised yourself to only focus on university, meeting new people, and developing your future career. It had worked; you met tons of new friends, even dated a few times, and pushed Yongguk further and further from your heart.

Coming back home and actually seeing him again picked the lock and allowed your feelings to trickle back