Okay. At seventeen years old, it is perfectly normal for questions about one’s own uality to eventually come up. And a good friend should ideally provide an open and accepting ears to listen and maybe give some comforting feedbacks. But at that moment, Renjun only felt the urge to jump on the table and slap his hand over Jeno’s mouth while shouting ’LALALALALA’ at the top of his lungs. Because he was not ready for this. He was so not ready for this. And the caffeine spike that’d hit him like a train right at that moment was just another factor that weighs in on why he was so so so not ready for this.

Renjun could tell that it took Jeno a lot of courage to spout out his earlier question, as he was rendered into nothing more but an anxious mess riddled with a ton of nervous ticks. Tapping his pen on his textbook, twirling his hair around his fingers, biting his lips.

And it took Renjun a whole entire dumptruck of self control to keep himself from screaming out ‘ my uality is you’ because frankly, that’ll be embarrassing as hell.

“Some… sometimes,” after a few futile attempts of swallowing the non-existent phlegm that was blocking his windpipe, Renjun managed to choke out a little white lie of his. How can it be sometimes, when everytime Jeno walks or talks or simply interacts with him, his mind would be filled with a really faint choir of chipmunks that chanted ‘I’m so gay, I’m so gay, I’m so gay.’

The edges of his textbook (page 75, he’ll remember that number for the rest of his life) was practically pulped from how much he’d rolled it around his fingers. It was no surprise for him then, when he accidentally ripped almost an eighth of the page after Jeno continued on with his questionings. The page was simply not a match to his mounting nervousness.

“And?”

‘And? AND??? What sort of answer do you expect me to give to ‘AND’?!’ Honestly, one more of his questions and Renjun will probably melt. Literally. His face and neck have heated up so much that if they were living inside a world with looney tunes physics, there would already be two pillars of smoke rising from his ears.

“What do you think?” Renjun was surprised when he saw the tip of Jeno’s pen entering his field of vision that’s been permanently trained to the pages of his textbook since the beginning of their conversation, before he gave Renjun’s fidgeting fingers a few rapid taps with it. He knew perfectly well what that means. Jeno wanted Renjun to look up, gave him his deserved attention, and ‘stop reading things off the textbook, explain it to me’ sort of thing.

He did so, eventually, with much struggle and after gathering enough encouragement from the voice in his head screaming to him that ‘ this is your chance, you stupid bimbo’. Renjun picked his gaze up from the table and he almost let out an audible whimper when he saw the nervous, giddy grin and something akin to I’m-feeling-a-bit-reckless spark on Jeno’s face.

“I… uh… I think I,-”

“WHAT’S UP NERDS?!”

There was a legitimate five seconds moment of stasis between Jaemin’s hand hitting his back so hard Renjun coughed out whatever air was left inside his lungs and someone (probably Jeno, most likely Jeno, because Renjun’s brain was most definitely still in the process of booting up from the shock he got) returning Jaemin’s greetings.

“I didn’t interrupt anything, right?” To the familiar tone of very poorly disguised teasing, usually Renjun would give Jaemin a firm serving of elbow to the ribs. Only, that afternoon, his mentality was already singed to its roots that Renjun could only respond with a few rapid shake of his head.

“Soooooo are you still up for game night or what?”

It was the second time after the start of ‘the conversation’ that Renjun’s gaze met with Jeno’s and he was hoping, he was trying to convince himself that he saw what he’d coined as a ‘don’t go yet’ look. A bit more intense than when Renjun had to wrap up their study session because Donghyuk would not stop calling him to ask where he was, but not too much that he’d willingly kick Jaemin off his back, climb across the table, and tell him, ‘yes, I’ll stay with you forever.’

“We’re still not done?” The pitch of his voice went up at the end of his question, so that there was a long whine that accompanied the shrugging of his shoulders. It was Renjun’s way of giving Jeno a very very vague hint that if he wants him to stay, he was willing.

The speed of his back hunching in disappointment when Jeno smiled at Jaemin and told him that, “naaaah, we’re done. You can have him,” was admirable. And pitiful too, at the same time.

“I did interrupt something, didn’t I.” Hey, at least Jaemin sounded a little bit guilty when he was walking beside the pouting Renjun, who just finished trying to pack his books and pencil case as slow as he could but still completed everything in under 10 seconds nevertheless.

“I almost came out to him.” Although, now that he’d stepped out from the bubble of blinding anxiety, Renjun realised that maybe it was a good thing that they were interrupted. He felt that the sort of special occasions such as ‘coming out of the damn closet’ (especially to one’s crush) should take place in a more significant location and not in a… deserted school cafeteria.

Not that normal occasions are a bad thing. His coming out story with Donghyuk was so underwhelming it’d became a running inside joke between them.

“Oh god look at him,” Donghyuk shoved his phone to Renjun’s face, where it was showing a screenshotted picture of a topless Chris Pine.

Renjun gave it a thorough look, took a very audible gulp, and returned the phone back to Donghyuk.

“Same.”

It took Donghyuk quite some time before the hidden meaning of Renjun’s response registered. Honestly, it took him almost five minutes. But when it finally happened, Donghyuk let out a really loud yell before he leaped from his position on the floor, tackling Renjun on his bed while he practically cackled out his sense of relief.

“Oh shiiiiiiiit I’m sorry.”

Renjun appreciated Jaemin’s sincere apology but the rice has turned to a bowl of porridge and he did not want to talk about it anymore. At least not so soon. And thus, he threw a surefire bait that he knew Jaemin will instantly bite and chew before he regurgitate it out and do it all over again like cows do with their cud.

“So, Donghyuk and that Mark boy. Tell me everything.”

And indeed, Renjun didn’t need to open his mouth again for the rest of their walk back home. Not only that, he also gained a lot of blackmail-worthy information regarding Donghyuk’s own crush-situation. Killing two birds with one stone.

_ _ _ _ _

They were playing a round of Mario Kart with a side of tirelessly teasing a very pissed, but very happy, he couldn’t hide it however hard he tried, Donghyuk when Renjun’s phone buzzed inside his back pocket.

‘Hey.’

It was Jeno. He never only texted with a ‘hey’. He’s a long texter. He’s the type that will send a wall of text even though they were texting using a chat app that doesn’t use a pay-per-send thingy that SMS does.

Renjun was waiting for the ‘Jeno.L is typing’ to stop flashing at the bottom corner of the window so he could send him his own version of a ‘Hi’ (even though he could’ve done it right then and there, but it’s been a minute since he first read the message and he felt like it would be really awkward for him to suddenly send a Hi , one minute after he read a message).

Just when he was about to give up and put his phone down, thinking that Jeno was sending him a set of questions about the chapter that they didn’t get to discuss earlier, it once again buzzed.

‘I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable earlier.’

The fact that Jeno’s second sentence was so short, and he took so long to write it, the fact that Jeno was struggling to find the right word to say to him caused Renjun to feel a sharp pang of holy right onto his heart. A good kind of holy , of course.

‘Nooo nonono it’s okay.’

He hit send, threw his controller to Jaemin’s expecting hands and quickly rushed out of the room to get some privacy (although Renjun knew, from the snicker Jaemin was giving him, that he knew ), and quickly added,

‘I thought I was the one who made you uncomfortable.’

‘  :’)  ‘

It was only an emoticon, but it was enough to cause a really disgustingly high pitched squeal to come out of Renjun’s grinning mouth. He already over reacted so much to a crying/smiley face that when the next wall of message went into his phone, he was practically choking with his own saliva.

‘BTW, are you free tomorrow afternoon?
There’s this new cafe near the city and I was wondering if you’ll go with me and help me write a review for the place?
You know, as a second opinion.’

It was almost magical how calm Renjun sounded on his reply. How he managed to only give him a simple,

‘Yes, I’m free.’

When in reality, he was dashing around Jaemin’s kitchen like a restless road runner.

‘No game session with the gang?’

Renjun had to quickly delete his all capslock statement of ‘SCREW THE GANG’ and exchanged it with a more respectable,

‘No lolol.’

‘Great then!
See you after school :)’

He only skimmed through Jeno’s reply, making use of his years flipping through classic literature novels to decypher what the word ‘great’ and ‘see you’ meant for what was waiting for him tomorrow, before barging back into Jaemin’s room with both arms thrown up in the air.

“GUESS WHO JUST ASKED ME OUT.”

Renjun was upset when the only response he got for his big news was Donghyuk yawning and Jaemin shrugging in disinterest. “Takes him long enough.”

But that was great. Their lukewarm response meant that they did not have the right to protest when Renjun dived to their laps and thrashed around like he was a fish out of water. Or an olympic freestyle swimmer. Or a dying worm.

He was a little bit too happy to realise the implication of Jeno’s invitation. (It’s a daaaate, Donghyuk exasperatedly moaned. But Renjun was afraid of jinx-ing it by calling it the d word, that he insisted on saying that it was an invitation. Besides, he was still not really sure if Jeno was indeed hinting that he’s interested in the d, or if his 30 minutes long rant and dissection of their earlier conversation was based on nothing more but his wishful thinking.)

Coffee. He will have to drink lots and lots and lots of coffee.

_ _ _ _ _

Renjun didn’t know what caused him to end up in a situation like this. Sitting across from Jeno in this dimly lit, new and hip cafe, staring silently at the fancy swirls of what he speculated was supposed to be rosettas on his cappuccino milk froth. This was his third cup of coffee for the day.

First there was a straight up espresso, which he downed in one gulp as he pretended that it was nothing more but a cough medicine.

Then there was a cup of long black. Jeno was using this tiny teaspoon to slurp the hot liquid and he spent almost 20 minutes alternating between swirling it around his mouth, yapping his lips, and smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Renjun kept expecting him to end his extensive ‘taste test’ with a coffee gargle, but in the end he only tinkle the teaspoon around the half empty cup while holding his nose so close to the coffee that everytime he exhaled, there were ripples going across the surface.

At the end of all that, he scribbled three words on his tiny notebook. Acidic, caramel, honey.

Renjun only ever tasted liquified burnt sawdust but he made a quick correlation to the words and chimed in, “chocolate.”

“Great observation.” He jotted down the fourth addition while wagging his index finger to Renjun.

Renjun kind of hoped that they would resume the talk they had yesterday. He had practiced on what he would say to every questions that he thought could possibly be asked by Jeno, in front of his bathroom mirror during his shower the night before and when he brushed his teeth early this morning.

But Jeno was being uncharacteristically silent that day. Even in the bus he only quietly browsed around random restaurant reviews in Yelp. The only substantial thing he said to Renjun that afternoon was for him to, “take the far corner seat. I’ll put in our order.”

He stopped Renjun when he was in the middle of taking his wallet out of his backpack, “no need for that, it’s all covered by the magazine club.”

Renjun never knew the school’s magazine club has budget for making legitimate restaurant reviews. To be fair, the teacher mentor for that club is also a coffee junkie so Renjun guessed that after she heard what Jeno’s suggestion was, she took a few slips of money out of her own pocket and sent the boy off with a pat on his back.

In the middle of their very formal food journalistic outing, Renjun kind of hoped that Jeno would subvert his expectation and turned this invitation into a date. But Renjun had started to suspect that it was never even an option in the first place.

“What do you think of the cappucino?”

No amount of mirror-prepping could prepare Renjun for this sort of coffee related questions. And at that moment, using his own freakishly tiny teaspoon, Renjun idly stirred the latte art into a blob of milky-brown foam to buy him time while he tried to find some kind of high-brow sounding bull to spout out.

“Too sweet?” He shrugged. “Too much… flair? Not enough content?”

Silence stretched for a little while until Jeno finished scribbling down the last of his notes before he agreed with Renjun’s statement, “I thought so too.”

Silence once more.

It was excruciating for Renjun to learn that this was how their dynamic ended up being when they were taken out of the academic context. Heavy air and Renjun noisily slurping the foam off the surface of his coffee. Jeno tapping the end of his plastic pen on the wooden table. Are we this hopeless, he thought, is this the end of everything.

Renjun took occasional peeks through the thin curtain of hair over his eyes and saw Jeno propping his head on one arm, tilting it on an angle and he looked as if he was gripped in a faux concentration onto his open notebook. It was the type of concentration where your eyes would glaze over every 5 milliseconds because you were too distracted by the surrounding environment. And suddenly, Renjun found himself wishing to all the beings that exist in this universe and beyond to not let them end what hasn’t even started yet, not when he knew of the possibility that he could live in a version of his life where this sight, of Jeno scribbling nonsense on his notebook with a busy coffeeshop serving as an out-of-focus background, could be fully and exclusively his .

The sound of Jeno’s pen clacking against the wooden table was entering the obnoxiously loud territory and Renjun couldn’t take it anymore. The familiar buzz of caffeine has slowly rolled into his brain like a wall of fog in a humid night, and he couldn’t spend another second only sitting there while his heart was running around in break neck speed.

He has to say something.

“I…” It only dawned on him that he didn’t really know what he was going to say when he’d opened his mouth and the first word had just escaped from his throat, causing Jeno to swivel his head slightly around so that he was facing Renjun while still having it propped up by his arm.

The way his open palm was resting against his cheek gave Jeno this really childish pouty expression and Renjun felt utterly defeated. Mentally, physically… spiritually. Everything. He decided it was the perfect time to come clean.

“I’ve got something to tell you.”

To that statement, Renjun saw a twinkle flash across Jeno’s eyes and he somehow only got even more nervous because of that.

“This past few months that we’ve spent together have been really… really nice. Even though sometimes it takes you so long to understand even the simplest of concept,” Renjun’s flow was interrupted when Jeno let out a light chuckle in the middle of the sentence. He took a quick pause and Renjun found himself stirring his untouched coffee even more vigorously, “you’re still the best student a tutor can ever ask for and so studying with you has been fun and all. But… uh… I have to tell you something.”

Jeno was no longer using his left arm to prop his head. He’d folded said arm on the table and he was leaning heavily on it. The excitement on his lips, which has crawled to the corners of his eyes and turning his face into a tamer version of the smile, was screaming for Renjun to keep on going.

“I… hate coffee.”